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***Roast Watch*** Joey Barton Strikes Again

Monday 31 December 2007

Joey, Joey Joey, when are you going to sort your life out? As if thumping and assaulting people wasn't bad enough, you have now decided to try and hassle women instead. You stupid idiot.

Thank you to the Sun for keeping us abreast (ahem) of Joey's latest shameful antics

Boozy Barton boob rub shame

Low blow ... Barton gets a bit too close

Low blow ... Barton gets a bit too close

SOCCER badboy Joey Barton is shamed again after being filmed burying his face in a busty brunette’s BOOBS.

Barton — in jail over an alleged assault last week — upset American beauty Catherine Payne with his lewd antics in a club.

Miffed Catherine rebuffed his boozy attempts to get her on the dancefloor.

Breast pal ... Catherine with friend and Nicky Butt

Breast pal ... Catherine with friend and Nicky Butt

In the mobile phone footage, Barton is seen repeatedly shoving his face into Catherine’s cleavage because she is wearing a plunging black dress.

As she moves away, Barton, swigging from a bottle, puts his arm around her and attempts to kiss her — but gets knocked back again.

Lewd antics ... Barton

Lewd antics ... Barton

As Catherine walks away he tries to rub his head in her boobs again, almost falling over in the process.

She shoves him off but he yanks her hair THREE TIMES as she turns away.

The incident, at the Loft Nightclub in Keswick, was captured by a witness on his phone camera.

Barton, 25, and Newcastle United pals, including Nicky Butt, were in the Lake District for a team-building exercise, staying at a hotel where Catherine ran a beauty salon.

The witness said: “I saw Barton hassling the girl. She tried to politely brush him off but in the end had to walk away. He was bang out of order.

The incident came just weeks before Barton was arrested last Thursday after a 5.30am bust-up in Liverpool.

He has been charged with common assault and affray. Barton is remanded in custody until Thursday.

Last night he was offered advice by ex-England soccer star Stan Collymore — famed for thumping TV’s Ulrika Jonsson and sex with strangers.

Urging Barton NOT to end up like him, Collymore, 36, said: “If you want to see how things can go wrong, read my story and read it carefully.”

Sunil

1 comments

Shut Your Mouth!

Here is a simply hilarious video taken from the Sheffield United Vs Crystal Palace game on Saturday.

When you have to shut your own fans up by pulling a hat over their head you know you have problems. To be fair to the guy in front, not being able to see his Sheffield United team play may be a blessing in disguise. The look on the kid's face is priceless when he has just realised what has happened



Sunil

3

Premiership Ups & Downs...

Sunday 30 December 2007

Well, the last weekend of Premiership action of 2007 didn't disappoint..here are the latest Ups & Downs...

Also a mention though to Phil O'Donnell, the Motherwell midfielder who passed away during a game on Saturday afternoon, a truly tragic event. A reminder to all of us that there are more important things than football.

Going Up

Goals, Goals, Goals

Well, after the Xmas festivities, we could perhaps have forgiven the players if they were slightly hungover this weekend. However, this theory was thrown complete out the window as the Premiership served up a veritable orgy of goalmouth action (and not a roasting in sight). There were goals galore which delighted the hordes who had braved it in the terrible weather.

So what is the reason for this sudden goal rush? Well, I have noticed that this upsurge has rather spookily co-incided with the disappearance of Alan Hansen from our screens on Match of the Day. Normally, defenders would be scared shitless of making errors in games, knowing that the Scotsman would hand out the roasting live on National Television later on that evening. However, Hansen has now been replaced by Alan Shearer for the time being. In comparison, Shearer has nowhere near the class of Hansen as a pundit. The Geordie permanently sits on the fence and loves to state the obvious. However, as a former striker he loves goals more than Hansen and the players obviously have realised they will get more praise for goalscoring exploits when Shearer is on MOTD. Whatever the actual reason though, I'm not complaining. Long may it continue.

Berbatov

The Bulgarian showed his class as his 4 goal salvo sealed victory Spurs in a simply ridiculous game against Reading at White Hart Lane. A mixture of the frustrating and audacious, Spurs simply must hold onto this man during the transfer window if they are to continue their slow ascent up their table.

Terrace Humour

I went to see my team play a game on Saturday afternoon and at half time a home supporter asked his girlfriend to marry her in front of the whole crowd. She accepted.

The fans response?

"You don't know what you're doing!"

Simply priceless

Eduardo

Prince scored his first Premiership goals of the campaign as Arsenal resorted to Wimbledon style tactics to overcome Everton after an insipid first half display. Who says that Arsenal don't have a plan B eh? The best finisher in the Premiership?

Kenwyne Jones

Powerhouse display from the big man to help secure a crucial three points for the Black Cats.

Bentley

Is there a more talented English football player in the Premiership right now?

Going Down

Ronaldo and Man Utd

The cheeky winker perhaps received some karma for his recent diving exploits as his horrendous penalty miss proved costly in a sloppy display from the Champions. They were undone by two set pieces to throw the title race back wide open. Rio proved he is not the only person who can hand out the roasting as he got merked by his own brother Anton, who had come on as a substitute.

Fabregas

Not to be outdone by Emmanuel Eboue in terms of being an annoying little shit the little Spaniard reached new depths as his over-reaction against Mikel Arteta resulted in the mercurial playmaker being sent off. Arteta's arm was undoubtedly in Fabregas' face but the way he went down as if he had been caught by a sniper was borderline scandalous. What makes it more unforgivable is the fact that the two are meant to be bum chums, with Xabi Alonso completing the trinity. Can you honestly believe that someone would get their mate sent off like that? It's almost as bad as cock blocking your own mate and then sneaking off with the girl at the end of the night. It remains to be seen whether the two midfielders will kiss and make up in the future.


Liverpool

If Liverpool harbour any ambitions of winning the Premiership they need to...(insert footballing cliche). It's getting a bit boring talking about the abilities that Liverpool lack, the same problems we discuss every season. This was probably a must win game, and how Liverpool did not win this game only god will know. They were totally totally dominant, and if not for the simply outstanding Richard Dunne and the often awful Kuyt it could have been a rout. Many will question Rafa again, why were his tactics so negative early on? What took Liverpool so long to get going? Are they really scared like Hicks suggested? Who knows, but there needs to be a turnaround soon, or it will most definitely be over for another season.

The Chelski linesman

Perhaps Roman handed out a cheeky bribe to the linesman as he inexplicably kept his flag down as Kalou slammed home after being a mere 5 yards offside. How else could the striker have possibly scored otherwise? The result was harsh on Newcastle as the Chelksi home bandwagon rolls on.

Robbie Keane

As much as I love the Irishman as a footballer I think its time to pass on the penalty taking duties.

Reading

Scoring 4 goals and still losing is not an achievement to be be proud of really.

Pompey

As said a couple of weeks ago, watch out for the Pompey slide. They cannot score at home and will soon be without half their team. Don't be surprised to see them slip into the relegation dogfight after Xmas.

Derby

A missed penalty at 1-0 for Derby was punished almost instantaneously by a Rovers equalizer within a matter of seconds. Derby went from near ecstasy to total agony . A bit like banging a bird then realising that she is in fact a man. Like Begbie in Trainspotting, Derby never really recovered and the inspirational Bentley sealed the comeback to leave the Rams firmly rooted to the bottom of the League.

Sunil

2

***Twat Watch***

Saturday 29 December 2007


Upon reviewing the constant foolish off the field behaviour of our favourite football players, I felt the need to introduce a new column to On The Bench, some way to highlight the idiocies of some of our idols.

There is a common saying, that you can take the boy out of the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the boy. Joey Barton is simply the epitome of this, and he continues to ruin all his talent by being involved in more off the field shenanigans. When he is not beating up his teamates, or moaning about passionate fans, Joey Barton can be found on the streets of Liverpool getting into fights with random locals. Here is a link to his latest misdemeanor.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/7162323.stm

What a twat, some may call that a harsh judgement, others may see it as perfectly apt. But seriously what excuse does a professional footballer, who is supposed to be a shining light to youngsters around the country, have for being out clubbing and getting into yet another brawl, and this isn't a one off incident. Thankfully Joey will be learning a very harsh less over the new year as he spends his days moping in a nice warm jail cell. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. I know Joey is an avid reader of On The Bench, but unfortunately he is behind bars and I doubt he has wi-fi access, but happy new year Joey.

3

Championship Corner

Thursday 27 December 2007

As the Premiership looks set to enter into two race race its time to look at the Championship, where things are a looking a lot more interesting at the turn of the year as the season enters its halfway point. Lets start by looking at the top....


I often joke with my friends that WBA are the "Arsenal of the Championship" but this is often met by howls of derision. Whilst my claim may be slightly exaggerated it can't be denied that the Baggies are one of the most entertaining teams in the country right now. The sale of Kamara, Koumas and Davies (have any of them really bettered themselves...?) ripped the spine out of Tony Mowbray's team but he has done an excellent rebuilding job to send the Baggies top at Xmas. Liverpool fans may think they have the "best midfield in the world" but I think that West Brom may have the best midfield in the Championship. Gera, Greening, Brunt, Koren, Texeira and Morrison are formidable and ally that to the evergreen Phillips upfront with a helping hand from Ishmael "roasting" Miller then the future is looking bright for the Baggies. They are the top scorers in the country at the moment and their whopping goal difference is testimony to the football they play.

Joint top with the Baggies are the the Glory Hornet Boys. If WBA are the Rolls Royce of the division then Watford are the Morris Minor, but at the end of the day, they still get you from A to B like the Rolls Royce does, though perhaps in less style. Watford are horrible to watch, make no bones about it but they grind out results and in King, Ellington and McAnuff they do possess a very real goal threat. It remains to be seen if they have the squad depth to maintain a title challenge but it is likely they will be up there come the end of the season, providing they sort out their home form.

Contiuning the car analogy, and third place Stoke City are like a Monster truck, they will just stomp all over you. A friend who went to the Stoke City Vs West Brom games said that it was more like a WWE wrestling match with Stoke City turning each game into a playground fight. However, the table doesn't lie and it cannot be denied that that their style of football is effective. In Ricardo Fuller they have one of the Leagues most fearsome strikers as recently shown in his single handed demolition of the Baggies. If Pulis can strengthen his squad in the transfer window then you can sure they will be around those top two promotion spots come May.

Bristol City and Charlton have stuttered in recent weeks but they remain just a few points adrift. Gary Johnson has done an exceptional job at Bristol City having seen his team promoted from League One only last season. Alan Pardew is one of the most experienced managers around at getting teams out of this division and his nouse could prove crucial at the end of the season for Charlton

A word also for pre-season favourites Sheffield United. Bryan Robson looks set to prove once again that he is a shite manager as he takes a team which nearly survived from the Premiership, added to the squad and yet somehow managed to turn them into an average mediocre side. The former Man Utd legend is a bit like a lame horse when it comes to management, he just needs to be put out of his misery.

Turning to the other end of the table and Colchester United look doomed. They had to sell Iwelumo, Cureton and Varney in the summer, their whole strikeforce basically. That's a bit like having your legs removed and still hoping that you can drive a car(although I believe that actually IS possible these days). Either way, you get the point I am trying to make. Colchester are up shit creek without a paddle, but so was that Darwin bloke who came back from the dead so perhaps they can still survive. BOOM BOOM.

QPR have hired an Italian manager who cannot speak English to try and help them stave of relegation after the previous Englishman had a nightmare (sound familiar England fans...?). I think that they could put the Super Mario Brothers in charge and they would still have more chance of surviving to be honest.

Preston sacked Paul Simpson in an attempt to revive their fortunes. However, they will soon realise that changing manager when you have a shit team will make no difference whatsoever. It's a bit like Lewis Hamilton starting to drive for Toyota and expecting him win the title. I don't think so.

Sunil

0

Premiership Ups & Downs....

Sunday 23 December 2007

After a week of roasting in Manchester it was back to the bread and butter of the Premiership this weekend. Here are the latest ups and downs as Arsenal and Man Utd look set to enter into a two horse race for the Premiership

Going Up



Fernando Torres

Whilst Liverpool's title challenge has faltered in recent week it is clear and obvious to everyone that El Nino is on fire at the moment and is probably the best striker in the Premiership. In recent years, even the likes of Bergkamp, Henry and Drogba have taken their time to bed in to the speed and pace of the Premiership and then you have players like Sheva who look completely like a fish out of water. Torres however, has settled in immediately and looks already as though his price tag was completely justified.

It may be a cliche, but Torres appears to have everything in his locker. Poise, balance, a great turn of pace, two great feet and decent ability in the air. Basically he has everything that his hapless partner Dirk Kuyt doesn't have.

Arsenal & Man Utd

Sometimes it takes alot more luck than skill, to win a Premiership title, and both these teams got their fair share of it over the weekend.

Derby

Two goals in one away game? Surely not. Next thing you know referees will be giving penalties to the away team at Old Trafford and Chelsea players will accept every decision made by the men in black...I wouldn't hold your breath though.

Hilario

He may well be a figure of fun but his fine one handed save from Santa Cruz made sure that Chelsea held onto three points in this tricky tie at Ewood. Apart from that he was pretty shite though so unless Cech makes an immediate return expect Chelski's goals against record to take a bit of a pounding in the next few weeks.

Bentley

Another eye catching display from the midfielder who surely must now get a chance for England on the right hand side. He appears to have learnt a lot from Wenger's foreign legion with great technique and vision which is such a rare commodity in England players these days.

Going Down

Lycra

Perhaps after all the hype from last week's Grand Slam Sunday footballers think that they ought to begin looking like the wrestlers from the other side of the the Atlantic. It seems as though lycra tops underneath the jersey are the latest fashion accessories for footballer. Don't be surprised to see Rooney and Tevez soon featuring in an advert for the latest skin tight leggings. Come on lads, ditch the gloves and lycra and lets not forget this is a man's game.

Robbie Keane

On Saturday morning on Football Focus, the wee Irishman was showing doing his bit for footballers (not by roasting someone) by going to a local children's ward to had out Xmas presents to unfortunate children. To Keane's horror about 99% of the children were Arsenal fans, but being the good sport he is he didn't take exception and made sure all the kids for their presents. Thankfully for Arsenal fans his kindness extended to Saturday afternoon as his penalty miss howler was followed almost instantaneously by Arsenal taking the lead at the other end. Keane's previous penalty record was pretty exceptional and it just shows was pressure can do to you as the Irishman shows that perhaps he has balls like cashew nuts after all.

Stephen Pienaar

Robbie Keane wasn't the only player handing out premature Xmas gifts as the Everton midfielder's moment of madness allowed the Cheeky Winker to steal the points at Old Trafford and move them to within one point of Arsenal. What quite Pienaar was thinking I don't know as he showed all the intelligence of an amoeba to bring down Giggs just as Everton looked as they were going to close out the game.

Newcastle

Big Sam can say what hes like but this was another embarrassing result for Newcastle as they let in 2 goals against a team who had only scored 1 away goal all season. Newcastle's defence shows no sign of improving and the Magpies already have that mid-table mediocrity look about them.

Dean Whitehead and Sunderland

I know that things can be tough at the bottom but crashing into the home mascot is no way to take out your frustration. However, the Reading lion had the last laugh as the home side snatched a winner in the last minute thanks to a dodgy last minute goal. Roy Keane spent £35m in the summer but is still facing relegation scrap which will prove a huge test of his managerial talents

Goal line technology, the BBC and Sky

After all the fuss around goal line technology, the BBC and Sky's super duper video imaging software could not come to an agreement as to whether the goal line decisions over the weekend had crossed the line or not. If two TV companies with bags of time, money and technology cant figure it out, then what hope for the poor linesman? Whats the point of goal line technology if it doesn't even work?

Sunil

43

***Roast Watch*** Micah Richards Mobile Phone Special

Well, well well, its looks like the red half of Manchester aren't the only ones who have recently been involved a roasting scandal. After the shennanigans of Manchester United players at the "roast party" , news has leaked that Micah Richards has recently been involved of some roasting of his own. The Manchester City defender has made the headlines as him and his pal filmed themselves on a mobile phone having sex with a woman in a disabled toilet. His friend has not been officially named but I have to confess that I am almost a 100% sure that it is striker Ishmael Miller, who is currently on loan at West Bromwich Albion. Miller has spent the last few weeks sidelined by injury so its good to see that he was making excellent use of his spare time.

Micah writes his own column on the BBC Football website, which in all honesty is pretty fucking boring. Perhaps if he made the readers aware of what he actually got up to in his spare time then he might generate a bit more interest. It looks as though perhaps him and Miller are trying to become the new Dwight and Andy, who were renowned for their teamwork off the pitch back in the late 90s.

Here is the article courtesy of the News of the World.

England ace in sex roast shame

New shocking video reveals two players in vile orgy


ENGLAND ace Micah Richards has been caught ‘roasting' a young girl fan in a sick sex video passed to the News of the World.

The Manchester City star and a Premier League pal filmed themselves on a mobile phone during the depraved hotel toilet romp in the latest scandal to rock English soccer.

Richards is today exposed as a vile animal captured on video "roasting" a teenage fan in a toilet with a pal.

The star player and his Premier League friend, grinning broadly with debauched pleasure, have sex with the girl at the same time while filming themselves on a mobile phone.

The sickening video of Manchester City defender Richards was handed to the News of the World in the week that soccer's reputation hit rock bottom after allegations of rape and roasting at rival club Man United's Christmas party.

The film of Richards' roasting—a sick act which involves one man having sex with a woman from behind while she gives a second oral sex—was passed on to friends' mobiles by the swaggering pair.

In the clip, the 19-year-old player, one of England's brightest young stars, smiles directly at the camera over the girl's back.

Dressed in a white T-shirt, jeans and a leather jacket, he shakes his head around as his pal films him with his trousers down behind the girl.

Richards is wearing distinctive jewellery including a silver ring, earrings and necklace.

Then the other smiling soccer player, who is naked from the waist up, moves the phone lens onto his own private parts in the most sickening footage —and also films the girl giving him oral sex, reflected in a large mirror in what appears to be a hotel's disabled toilet.

The girl—a brunette naked from the waist down—moans with pleasure as the players shout: "Does that feel good?" Wearing just a black wool jumper and expensive black earrings, she doesn't stop pleasuring the men—even when a mobile phone rings.

Both players then burst into laughter and one of them says: "Who's ringing you at this time?" Towards the end of the 87 seconds of footage one of the men mumbles something to the other, causing him to shout "F*** that!"

Then as the sleazy session ends, one of the players says something that forces the girl to yell an indignant "Hey!"

Sources who have seen the video reveal the man with Richards—who played for his team against Aston Villa yesterday—is another Premier League player.

The footage is believed to have been shot in Manchester city centre in the last five weeks, near the time England embarrassingly failed to qualify for the European Championships with their defeat to Croatia at Wembley.

One pal told us: "Micah and his mate have been boasting about what they got up to with the girl, they think it is hilarious. You can tell they are both loving it.

"Most of my friends have now got it on their phones. But you can't help thinking they are treating the girl like a piece of meat.

"Even when one of their phones rings they don't stop, they just have a laugh and carry on. They don't really care to be honest, it's just another girl."

Another pal said Richards— said to be seeking an improved £14 million contract at City—is regularly seen in Manchester bars with his roasting accomplice.

He said: "They are so tight it is unbelievable, they do everything together. They have got a lot of money and they know it.

"They dress in flash jewellery and rap star clothes. To be honest they wind a lot of people up but the girls seem to love it."

Richards might care more when he realises how the scandal will put his budding England career at risk under new coach Fabio Capello—a renowned disciplinarian who demands the best behaviour from his players.

Italian Capello has warned that he will subject all England players to a month of intense scrutiny before deciding whether they are deserving of a place in his first squad.

He said: "A place in the national squad has to be deserved, and it will be based on behaviour, play on the field and attitude."

Richards was the youngest defender ever to be called up for England and is now a team regular alongside captain John Terry.

His behaviour will be particularly heartbreaking for his proud dad Lincoln who came to Britain from the West Indies 40 years ago as a seven-year-old. Despite bringing Micah up in the tough Chapeltown area of Leeds, he was sure his son would make a success of his life.

Earlier this year Lincoln said: "There are two roads you can go down, bad or good. I was never concerned about Micah, it was not in his nature."

The player even sees himself as a role model, saying: "To anyone from my area, I always give the advice that if you really want something, just concentrate on it and try to fulfil your dreams."

But our sordid footage reveals the Aston Martin-driving Micah has been drawn into the depraved lifestyle that is tarnishing our national game—and which erupted onto front pages all last week.

Budding Manchester United star Jonny Evans was arrested on Tuesday after a 26-year-old nurse claimed she had been raped at the team's party in the swish Great John Street Hotel. He denies the accusation.

Then it was claimed another girl was roasted at the bash by around five or six revellers—including three Man United players. Girls mingling with players in the hotel complained of being groped "like pieces of meat" by boozed-up stars.

Manchester United boss Alex Ferguson is now attempting to call time on the behaviour of his overpaid stars.

He has banned any repeat of last week's party where more than 100 carefully selected pretty girls were invited, but wives and girlfriends were banned.

Organisers are understood to have trawled the social networking site Facebook to find attractive young women to attend the party. But at the last minute it was feared there were not enough girls and calls were made to local lap dancing clubs to make up the numbers.

All United's players were at the party apart from Ronaldo, who was at an awards ceremony.

Roasting was first highlighted in 2003 when a 17-year-old girl claimed she was gang-raped by four men— including two Premiership stars—at the Grosvenor House Hotel in London.

The two stars were interviewed by detectives but the case was dropped because of lack of evidence.

And in January 2004, three Leicester City players were questioned about the alleged assault and rape of three prostitutes at Spain's luxury La Manga hotel complex. Paul Dickov, 32, Keith Gillespie, 30, and Frank Sinclair, 34, spent six days in jail before they were all cleared by a Spanish court.

0

Random musings from the past week...

Saturday 22 December 2007

1- Is Capello the right man for the job, yes he has the credentials and all the awards McCalren could only dream of, but can even a man of his incredible abilities rescue English Football? He is definitely one of the best candidates out there and will certainly improve the England team 1000 fold, but seriously how difficult is that after having one of the worse managers in the history of football and not even Capello will be able to teach the team to pass. Capello will certainly need to learn a few select English phrases such as : -

"Frank put the pizzas down"
"Catch it Paul, Catch It"
"Seriously, Why cant you clowns pass a football"
"Stevie, this is not Hollywood"

2 - After Seeing yesterdays performances by Momo Sissoko and Voronin, I think we can officially close the cult fan clubs they had when the arrived. Don't let the door hit you on the way out lads.

3 - Who are worse the English Football Team or the English Cricket Team?

4 - Have Spurs really turned the corner, or will they get perpetually owned by Arsenal when they get raped in the London derby on Saturday(how inevitable is this) and then knocked out of their only real chance of silverware when they take on Arsenal's "kids" at the emirates.

5- This Arsenal's "kids" nonsense, its bollocks really isn't it? Every team has young players, who play in the Carling cup.

6 - Was anyone else happy to see Crouch's simply hilarious attempt at trying to end Mikel's career? I would never have expected that from him.

7 - Shevchenko scored!! Does this mean he has finally found his level?

8 - How did Leon win the X-Factor?

9 - What the hell were the Man Utd players thinking? So basically they organised a bash, invited as many random girls as they probably could, and provided them with enough alcohol to ensure that they forget the evenings festivities. Whose idea was it? Well, apparently Rio was behind the whole debacle which has left Sir Alex absolutely fuming, maybe he was angry because he wasn't invited. Sounded like an an absolute roast fest.

10 - How predictable was seeing the ultimate whinger Lawrie Sanchez leave Fulham? How did he expect to do well after spending all of his money on decent championship players?

6

**Roast Watch** Festive Special

Friday 21 December 2007

Well, well well, at a time when many people will be pondering what methods to use to roast their turkeys this Christmas, footballers continue their all year round roasting campaign with even more shocking news coming out of the Man Utd camp.


THE girl “roasted” by Manchester United players at their Christmas party bragged drunkenly afterwards: They said I was great in bed.

The pretty reveller, aged around 19, had just had sex with five or six men, including three United players.

Their jeers and her moans were overheard by a sickened party guest. She said yesterday:

I was upstairs in the hotel gossiping with a friend when I heard cheering and clapping noises coming from one of the rooms.

We could hear the voices of around five or six men - together with the groaning noises of a girl who was clearly having sex.

The men were shrieking like hyenas and shouting, ‘Get in there’. My mate and I sat shocked as it was so vile.

After a few minutes the men filed out of the room laughing, and rushed downstairs for more booze.

I recognised three of them as members of the Manchester United squad - one of them a well-known name.

Posh ... hotel where Man U players were involved in roasting

Posh ... hotel where Man U players were involved in roasting

The girl then came staggering out boasting she had just had sex with all the men.

She was clearly very drunk and very pretty, and probably about 19 years old.

I asked if she was OK and she said, ‘Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I be? They said I was a great shag’ and then she hobbled down the corridor.

She looked as if she was in a bit of pain. After that me and my mate left. I was shocked by the idea there had been an orgy at the party. It felt so sleazy.

Details of the sordid session at Manchester’s plush Great John Street Hotel on Monday night emerged following claims by a 26-year-old that she was raped at the bash.

Disgusted

The girl told police that Northern Ireland international Jonny Evans attacked her after she went upstairs with him following a dance.

Evans, 19, has denied the accusation, telling pals: “I didn’t do it.”

Cops have heard about grubby antics including beauties being passed around “like pieces of meat”.

Many revellers visited a casino and a pub before heading to the hotel.

Nearly 100 girls were there including models, ex-soap stars and well-known faces from Manchester’s party circuit. But there were no wives or girlfriends.

Last night the alleged rape victim remained in the Greater Manchester area as police continued to gather evidence and statements from her.

Red Devils ... club badge

Meanwhile United stars tried to put the party scandal behind them as they visited sick children.

Skipper Neville along with Scholes and Hargreaves cheered up kids at Booth Hall Children’s Hospital in Blackley, Manchester.

They handed out presents including one to little Huber Tanny, six.

Giggs and Rooney joined boxer Ricky “The Hitman” Hatton to raise money for charity at Royal Manchester Children’s Hospital.

Ricky, a keen fan of rivals Manchester City, wore a blue Santa hat while Wayne wore a red one as they gave a present to Josh Hodgin, 11.

The Old Trafford players make hospital visits every Christmas.


I'm confused by all this, why were some of the girls disgusted? You were invited to a party with no wives or girlfriends allowed, what were you honestly expecting, a civillised tea party? I love the way the Man Utd players think giving presents to children will vindicate them of any wrong doing. The girl said she heard people saying "get in there", what odds on her also hearing the immortal words "you got merked!!!!" Yes, we know you were there Rio.


2

I Love Dirk Kuyt....

Thursday 20 December 2007

After the unfortunate events of Grand Slam Sunday, I then received this email from a mate of mine who supports Man Utd, have a read for yourself, it was aptly titled "I Love Dirk Kuyt".

"He epitomises everything about why your pathetic club won't win the title. Oh how I laughed every time he miscontrolled the ball....but don't worry, you've got Alonso coming back! Shudder!

Pathetic, utterly pathetic Kofi. Your big man bravado has yet again blown up in your face as your insignificant little club is out the title race before Xmas yet again - now it feels like Xmas..
.
I just love heading for our annual 3 points at Anfield where Fergie proves he's the master to Benitez's totally inept tactics...Oh we beat Marseilles to finish second in the easiest group in the Champions league, we're the greatest side on earth. F*cking laughable.

Now please, please take your Stevie "I go missing in every game against Man United" Gerrard and Fernando "I'm learning the Liverpool way about choking against Man United" Torres and f*ck off back to fight for third. You have an insignificant club who's only aspirations are to fluke yet another cup victory on penalties. Leave winning titles to the big boys.

Oh, and you Chelsea, you are not out of it yet, but that defeat makes it very, very tough. I know you're missing players, but you're gonna be missing a whole lot more in Jan...."




22

Premership Ups & Downs

Tuesday 18 December 2007

Going Up

Man United

The Champions ground out a terrific win at Anfield to pretty much end the title challenge of their fiercest rivals. In truth, they were rarely tested by Rafa’s men and their defence was superbly marshalled by Rio Ferdinand. Rio has merked Liverpool in recent seasons with last gasp winners but his performance on Sunday was a master class in defending. He and Vidic would have thrown themselves in front of a speeding bullet if they had to protect their lead on Sunday. Meanwhile, Anderson aka Predator again showed he has the potential to be world class player with a fearless display in the middle of the park. Man Utd must be considered the favourites for the title now and 7 points out of 9 against their three main rivals could be crucial come the end of the season

Arsenal

The Gooners maintained their title challenge with a deserved win over Chelski at the Emirates. Whilst this wasn’t their greatest performance of this campaign, the 3 points could prove massive at the end of the season. Seeing them charge forward in the last 10 minutes was a joy to behold and they probably deserved a bigger scoreline.

Watching Arsenal beat your team is like watching your best mate sleep with your wife. You don’t want to look, but you can’t help but admire it.

Yakubu


One of the most under-rated players around, his excellent form is helping Everton on their charge towards a European spot. Compare him to someone like Dirk Kuyt and you wonder if Benitez has maybe bought the wrong striker.

Man City

The best home record in the Premiership, what else can you say about that.

Tottenham

A first away win of the season for Spurs means that they pull away from the Premiership drop zone. They even managed to keep a clean sheet. I think the last time that happened, Elvis was still alive.

Going Down

John Terry and Emmanuel Eboue

Karma is a bitch isn’t it boys?

Liverpool

Liverpool once again flattered to deceive in the big game as they were shown to be short on creativity and that spark to get them back into the game. From a neutral/Closet Gooner’s point of view Liverpool’s attacking game plan seemed to rely on whacking the ball 50 yard forward to the head of Torres and hoping to feed on the scraps. Whilst they may not be a totally long ball team they can be a bit direct, with there being few occasions where they generally cut through Man Utds defence or got in behind them. Riise and Arbeloa barely crossed the halfway line in comparison to Evra and Wes Brown. Benitez has shown in Europe that he has the tactical nous to nullify opposition teams, but in the blood and thunder of the Premiership, his cautious approach could prove to be his downfall. I can remember only one occasion where Stevie G ended up the opposition penalty area and Torres was non existent, mainly because he was having 60 yard balls pinged at his head from the most ridiculous angles. Until Liverpool develop a more expansive game plan for the Premiership, then it is hard to see them challenging for the title.

Portsmouth

Pompey’s poor home form continued as they again drew a blank against Tottenham. That’s a bit like being in a room with Jenna Jameson, Jenna Haze and Tera Patrick and still failing to score. Pompey will have half their team disappear in January because of the African Nations so don’t be surprised to see them slide down the table in the next few weeks.

Roy Keane’s missus

Having seen the Irishman raging after Sunderland were denied a last gasp winner I would love to have been a fly on the wall at his home over the weekend. I hope he had calmed down a bit or else I seriously fear for his wife’s life.

Derby

When your new manager admits you are going down after only a week in charge you know it’s all over.

Blackburn


Conceding five goals in one game is bad enough, but to do it against the might of Wigan was a pretty shambolic effort. I think the last time Marcus Bent scored was when he banged Danielle Lloyd so to let him score three times in 90 minutes is criminal. Special mention though to Santa Cruz (lovely Xmas pun there) who managed to score a hat trick and still finish on the losing side.

Garth Crooks

Can someone please remove this man from TV? NOW. Having currently moved flat I am deprived of the brilliant Jeff Stelling and have to put up with the inane ramblings of the former Spurs midfielder on BBC 1 on Saturday.

The guy is simply a complete and utter idiot. He never seems to answer the question which he has been asked and tries to make every response sound like a General Election speech or something. His analysis of games is piss poor to say the least and every time I see him I just want to put my fist through the TV screen and throttle him. It’s almost as bad as listening to Jacqui Oatley.

Shevchenko, Cashley Cole and Fat Frank

Poor old Andrei reminds me of a porn star who is still working at the age of 90 years old. You know that one day he had talent and skill but quite simply he is past his best and out of his depth. It’s hard to believe that this big lump was once one of Europe’s best strikers. He is now only a good player on Pro Evo and Championship Manager respectively.

Cashley is going down this week as the greedy bastard gave a lovely V-sign towards the fans who used to line his pockets. He has also been shown that Gael Clichy is probably a better player than him and that Arsenal came off better in the Gallas/Cole exchange. An embarrassing day all round for Cheryl’s squeeze. I just wish I could squeeze that little fucker to death.

As for Fat Frank, despite his huge size, he once again managed to disappear completely from view in a big game. I am pretty sure that when he tried to take a free kick he was actually aiming for a deflection…what a twat.

Ronaldo
Just for being a diving cunt

Lawrie Sanchez

His attempts to turn Fulham into Northern Ireland have failed spectacularly and Fulham are looking like they could be going down this season. His list of excuses is getting embarrassing now. I wouldn’t be surprised if next week he blames the tea lady for his team’s inept performance. Does he ever have anything sensible to say?

Sunil

5

Kofi's Perspective on Grand Slam Sunday...

Sunday 16 December 2007


So yesterday was grand slam Sunday, a day filled with so many expectations for so many people, but after being told that Leon had won the X-Factor, I knew all wasn’t right with the worlds equilibrium. My day started quite positively, I woke up slightly hungover from the night before, but I did recall memories of having a few wagers with my Man Utd supporting mate, all in all I was quite confident of a Liverpool victory. I get to the pub, get a nice seat and watch the simply ridiculous hype on Skysports. For some reason they had a boardroom full of ex footballers giving their defunct opinions on how the day’s events would pan out. Why do these "experts" get paid? Their professional insight on the premiership usually extends to telling us that any team that wants to win the title will have to finish above Man Utd. Oh really?


Anyway back to the game, so I was patiently waiting for the team sheet, furiously hoping that Crouch would start and the workman Kuyt would simply drop off the face of the earth and not just onto the bench, but sadly I was disappointed. I was still very optimistic about the game though, was my optimism unfounded? So we get to kick off, and as the first 45 minutes fly by I notice a pattern reminiscent of many other games against Man Utd. We create a few clear cut chances, dominate possession but somehow by some divine right we simply cannot put the ball in the net. So the question was how long until we get sucker punched? Low and behold on the stroke of half time Tevez nips in to score. How predictable was that? We simply didn’t turn up creatively, and it was quite clear that it wasn’t going to be our day. Kuyt was as awful as ever, we were playing with 10 men whilst he was on the pitch, god knows why Rafa has so much faith in him. Gerrard persisted on playing the quarter back role for most of the match, surely he wasn’t scared of Anderson? Torres literally disappeared from the pitch in the second half. Rio put in the performance of his life, and when you defend like that you have a chance wherever you go. They truly are champions, and I think that’s what frustrates us Liverpool fans the most.

So as I watched the last 45 minutes wind down, I sat there thinking will I ever see a Premiership title in my lifetime? Every year we are full of so much hope, but now it seems like there is a dark cloud over Anfield, something that simply wont allow us to do as well as we should be doing in the league. Something tells me that if we were playing a champions league semi final, then we would have won this game and that saddens me. Why can’t we get motivated in the premiership?

After drowning my sorrows with a couple of shots of whiskey I sat down to watch the Arsenal Chelsea game, which involved four of the most despicable human beings to grace the Premiership. Many of them getting what some might say they deserved. I think on reflection it probably should have been a draw, but without Drogba in the side Chelsea lacked the cutting edge required, and they desperately need to spend some cash in January. You seriously have to question the business acumen of Chelsea F.C, how the hell did AC Milan get 30 million pounds for Shevchenko, I will say it again, 30 million pounds!!!!?????? God knows what that can buy these days, but for some reason it can’t get you a striker who can run or score. Strange. Also, Chelsea got rid of Gallas(one of the best defenders in the league) for 5 million and Ashley Cole(One of the biggest …… in the league), and in the end it has come back to haunt them, seriously Kenyon what the hell are you doing?

When John Terry went off injured after a vintage Eboue tackle, you knew Chelsea were in trouble, and Ben Haim is not a suitable replacement. Sidwell, Ben Haim and Pizzaro? Simply awful Business, even for free and not squad depth that Chelsea need. Chelsea have been unlucky with injuries, but with the ANC around the corner, things will only get worse.

How apt was it to see the most detestable characters in football scrapping with each other? John Terry vs Fabregas/Eboue and Ashley Cole vs Fabregas. John Terry clearly tried to injure Fabregas which makes him a twat, but can you blame him? I am not the sort of person to wish injury on a player, but many will say that seeing Eboue go off injured was divine retribution for his double sending off last week. Fabregas is a brilliant player, but is a tedious annoyance, how long before someone punches him clean in the face, his hypocritical play acting was a disgrace and what more needs to be said about Ashley Cole? How classy of him to salute the fans who used to adore him with a cuntomary(spelt incorrectly on purpose) 2 finger gesture.

Overall I went home learning a few things about the top 4, that Liverpool will probably have to wait another year, Man Utd have the luck and steel of champions, and are the team to beat, Chelsea’s 1st team is awesome and would have beaten Arsenal, but with a few injuries they are lacking and Arsenal are going to be there until the very end, but its not a 2 horse race just yet.

2

Men In Tights, Theatrics, Grand Slams And Wrestlemania.......

Friday 14 December 2007

I remember my school days, I was and sadly still am sometimes a big wrestling fan. From the Royal Rumble to Summerslam, I was constantly enthralled by seeing some of the biggest names in sports entertainment, touch, rub and caress each other(eewwww) . It was always Wrestlemania which I had a soft spot for, it usually fell on or near my birthday and the hype surrounding it was ridiculous. The build up for Wrestlemania would often begin a year in advance, just as the curtain had fallen on the last one. From the video montages, to the trash talking to the crazy insane fans speculating what might happen, Wrestlemania was one of those events that you felt you simply couldn't miss, purely because of the out of control marketing campaign and I have to say I literally lapped it up.

So how does this relate to football you might ask? Well, on Sunday we have another one of those grand slam events, with a hype machine almost as ridiculous as what you see in wrestling week in week out. Apparently the fixture list is generated in a totally random way, but I'm not so sure, how is it possible that the big four play each other on the same day for the second season in a row? Either way Super Duper Annihilation Judgment Grand slam Sunday will be as important as ever, the games probably wont live up to expectations, but the ramifications for the title race are clear for all to see. A win for Liverpool and Chlesea is probably a win for the premiership, whilst a win for Arsenal or Man Utd could see the the premiership leaning towards a 2 horse race.

We wont see any men in tights on Sunday or the most electrifying move in sports entertainment, but expect all the razzmatazz of a Rock vs Stone Cold extravaganza, with all the similar theatrics provided by the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo or Joe Cole. Make the most of it people , because you probably wont witness another one soon(note the sarcasm). Who would have thought that Wrestling had so many similarities to a footballing weekend involving the top four.

0

Another Liverpool Player Gets Robbed..

Wednesday 12 December 2007


http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/merseyside/7140110.stm

Steven Gerrard became the 6th Liverpool player to be burgled, as he led his team to a triumphant away win in Marseilles. I have a few queries though, where the hell was his security? After seeing many of your teammates get robbed, why didn't you think to invest in some serious protection? If all my mates got STD's by having unprotected sex, I would then use all my pocket money to purchase as many condoms as I could hold, to avoid getting burnt. Steven Gerrard is on £120,000 a week, he should have the SAS patrolling his house. Hasn't 50 cent got FBI agents for protection?

1 comments

**Roast Watch** Mobile Phone Special

Another day another story involving too many footballers and too little women, this time involving some unnamed Irish footballers, involved in "roasting" a brunette in their football kits whilst other footballers looked on.


http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/0912_soccer_stars_orgy.shtml

Any ideas on who the footballers are?

My money is on John O'shea and Robbie Keane.

19

Premiership Ups & Downs...

Monday 10 December 2007

Going Up


Derby

An away goal, wooohooo, pop the champagne.

Man Utd & Chelsea

You cant really celebrate beating Derby & Sunderland at home because these games are simply formalities, but Man Utd and Chelsea fans must have been indulging in a few thousand celebratory wanks after seeing Arsenal and Liverpool slip up. Lets be honest, these two teams are the big 2 of recent years in terms of success, and its Arsenal and Liverpool who will need to apply the pressure. Their current form looks ominous. Lets hope that Super Duper Grand Slam Annihilation Judgment Day Sunday (courtesy of Skysports TM) throws a few more spanners in the works to make the title race the most exciting ever.

Portsmouth

They have the best away record in the league, and are right in amongst the top spots. Unfortunately Africa will rob them of most of their good players in January, but for now they can celebrate having a dodgy but brilliant manager and a great team, with so much power and pace its scary. Just look at how Muntari bundled Reo-Joker off the ball on Saturday, the word “owned” comes to mind.

Yakubu & Everton

A great hattrick, which was marred only by the awful female commentator Jacqui Oatley on match of the day. Jesus wept. The most prolific striker in the premiership over the last four years apart from that French dude, feed him and he will eat all your groceries, but give him some good service and he will score loads of goals. Everton are on a superb run of form, bar the Clattenburg show in the Merseyside derby. They will probably be the closest team to any of the top 4 come the end of the season.

Giggs

100 goals = Legend

Tottenham Hotspur

Finally a win against a decent side, although it was slightly fortunate. Maybe now spurs can go on that charge and snatch that 4th spot. lol


Going Down


Liverpool, Voronin, Riise and Momo

A team harbouring dreams of lifting the premiership title does not necessarily have to win every game, or go unbeaten for a whole season , but what you must do is win games against the lesser teams away from home. You have to wonder what goes through the mind of Benitez sometimes, after your best spell of the season, you then decide to play a formation similar to something out of a horror show.

Yes Reading were very fortunate, and Liverpool probably should have taken the points, but there are some seriously bad smells in the Liverpool team which need to be eradicated if things are to progress how they should.

Voronin – To quote a Jay-Z line “Had a spark when you started, but now you’re just garbage” When you get past the porn star cult status, and amazing ponytail you don’t really have a great player, even for free he doesn’t seem worth the money, but to be fair to him he was playing on the wing, totally out of position.

Sissoko – Where has this premiership player disappeared to? At one point he was a superb wrecking ball of a player, now he is simply awful and lacks the most simplest of skills in football. Momo’s greatest achievement this season will be passing to a Liverpool player twice in a row, if he does that he will surely be up there for sports personality of the year next season. Awful.

Riise – Cant cross, cant defend, has no pace, has no positional sense, but he can hit a ball 200 miles per hour, not a great gimmick anymore seeing as he hasn’t scored a goal this season.

Combine these 3 with Rafa’s crazy tactics and you have a recipe for disaster, putting Crouch on the left wing is like asking Rhydian from X-factor to perform 50-Cents’s new single, it was a complete and utter horror show. I personally think Rafa has every right to rotate, but only with the correct players, players with a degree of quality. With Rafa substituting Gerrard with 20 minutes to go you have to wonder where his priorities lie, will a European knock out spell the end of Rafa or a resurgence in the league?

Arsenal

The invincibles became the invisibles at the Riverside, we always wondered whether their squad could handle injuries to key players, and clearly they struggle without Hleb and Fabregas. Their midfield on Sunday was as creative as splashing paint on a canvas and calling it art. Without their injured midfielders arsenal may struggle over the busy Christmas period. They certainly need one of Hleb or Fabregas to return for the Chelsea game or they could be in big big trouble.

Eboue

An odious, treacherous, scumbag, disgraceful, cheating, child murdering ……(insert as many negative expletives as possible) type of player.

Ronaldo

As talented as he is, he still feels the need to dive like an absolute twat, you have to feel that the referee last week is now fully vindicated for giving him a yellow card. Funnily enough you didn’t see Fergie come out telling the world that Ronaldo conned the referee, of course you didn’t.

2

The Fa Cock-Up

Thursday 6 December 2007

I hope you are all loving my Sun style headline, I think its great. Anyway, last week we saw the draw for the FA. Cup 3rd round, and predictably enough Man Utd were drawn away to Aston Villa again, and are ultimately out of the cup, because like I said before its always Christmas for the champions at Villa Park. So I did some detective work and came across a video on YouPorn, sorry I meant YouTube, which seems to suggest that Villa drawing Man Utd was due to an absolute cock up with the draw.

Here is the video, notice Sammy Nelson attempting to cover the number of the second ball after apparently reading the number wrong on an earlier ball which meant Villa got Man Utd. This looks like the worse cover up since Enron tried to convince the world that they were a well run company.

0

Ref Justice, Broken Fetlock and Mr Potato Head.........

Well....how about that then, that feeling in my gut that the Toon would get a point wasn’t just the previous night’s Chinese.

The game itself wasn’t the most entertaining...although I did miss the opening 25 minutes due to being at a Christmas dinner. AdebayCAN SCORE, opened it up with a beautiful goal, but after that, the lack of Arsenal chances was quite out of character...that’ll be the lack of creativity I predicted then.

Newcastle for their part played as I expected, like their manager’s job depended on it. Maybe that statement they made was sincere. However, as with the honeymoon period that follows a new manager being in put place, I think they’ll be back to their usual ways within a couple of games.

Overall though, Newcastle deserved their point, and I don’t think Arsenal fans will be overly disappointed with a point in the arse end of nowhere on a cold December night. It’ll be interesting to see how they get on now against Boro on Sunday, the same players will be missing and whilst Boro have been pants this year, this will be a chance to raise their game and prove their not a bunch of wasters.

A mention for Mike Dean as well, what an absolute waste of space that man is. Twice in the final 5 minutes, Adebayor was threatening to break away from whatever rubbish defender was tracking him, and was twice bundled over quite clearly. Yet the useless wanker didn’t give a thing....joker.

Elsewhere on planet football, the Toffees got a late winner against the new Russian champions, and secured qualification to the last 32 of the UEFA Cup....but does anyone really care though. Maybe only if you had Arteta in your fantasy team and had to watch him miss a penalty.
On-the-Bench’s newly crowned worst diver (or should that be best?), Didier Drogba’s could be ruled out until February with a knee injury. Good news for the rest of the chasing pack, because as much as I hate the ugly cunt, he seems to bring a lot to the team. I’m sure Phillipe Senderos will be having much sweeter dreams knowing that there’s no chance he’ll have to face him next week. It’ll be interesting to see who replaces him up front, because the Chavs always seem a little light up front beyond the big man, Kalou and Shevchenko don’t quite pose the same threat, and is Pizarro even still alive?

The England manager search rumbles on, with Brian Barwick (or Mr Potato Head as he was compared to in one of those crap free London newspapers), trying desperately to find someone willing to take the job. The reports today are that his ‘short’list is Maureen, Cappello, Klinsmann (surely it would be suicide to appoint a German, personally I don’t give a flying fuck, but the xenophobia in the papers would be alarming...we’ve seen it before!), Lippi and O’Neill. Not a bad bunch really, but who seriously thinks he’ll get any of them. Barwick just doesn’t seem to have the personality to convince some of those greats to give up their life, and private life, for a cause they won’t exactly bleed for. We all know money talks, but imagine having that fuckwit as your potential boss. I’ve been getting major déjà vu about this whole process, this is how it all played out two years ago, and ended with McClown being appointed....my prediction, he dicks around for a few weeks, gets rejected by all the big guns (again), like a fat girl trying to get a prom date, and winds up with Fat Sam once the Toon has reverted to type.

Luis Hernandez

4

Guest Article...Fat Sam, Bill Clinton and The Village People

Wednesday 5 December 2007


Big up to Luis Hernandez for today’s article, which he managed to complete whilst at work. Great to see he has his priorities in order.

“Some random thoughts for a cold Wednesday morning.

The big match in the Premier League tonight sees the mess that is the Toon Army take on the current Leaders. You ask anyone at the moment, and it’s an expected easy three points for the Ashburton Grove crew, and you can see why.

Newcastle are just in disarray at the moment. Big Sam is apparently dealing with player revolt after making Geremi captain, and because of his crap tactics. Of course the players in question have released a statement saying it’s not true and they back the manager, but its as convincing a statement as Bill Clinton’s Lewinsky one “...we did not have sexual relations with that Walrus Headed Cunt!” Yeah right boys, we believe you. What amazes me about the Toon at the moment is their defensive frailty. I don’t get how a team that gets shot of Titus ‘the Shambles’ Bramble, doesn’t automatically get better, it beggars belief, but they’ve managed it. And this from a manager who had Bolton as a pretty tight defensive outfit. What is in the water in the North East? Maybe that now that the big man has ‘decent’ players at his disposal he’s decided to try and play football and is now being found out for the hoof-ball merchant he is.

I’m not convinced though that it’ll be nice and easy for the Gunners. They’re decimated by injuries at the moment, and almost exclusively in midfield. For a while Wenger was collecting central midfielders like an Arab King putting together a harem in the old days, but its paying off. Missing will be Cesc, Diaby and Hleb (after Carew’s cynical chop on Saturday...but that’s ok he’s playing for a battling team so it’s just professional). That’s a lot of creative talent missing, but then again how much do you need to really cut Newcastle open like a festive turkey? Probably not much. I’d imagine the least creative Brazilian in the world, Gilberto, will come in, but he adds a solid base, so will hopefully give that scrotum bag Joey Barton a good kicking. I’d like to see Theo have a run out too, should scare the shit out of that defence.

For me the thing that will determine the game is if the mutinous Toon players decide to play well to show their support for their manager. We all know the effect that having your backs against the wall can do to galvanise people...like accidentally finding yourself in a nightclub for a Village People gig. I’ll follow the herd and predict and Arsenal win, but I don’t think it’ll be easy, and I can see the Northern bastards nicking a point.

Elsewhere, Celtic scraped through to the next stage of the Champions League, although how pissed must the Shakhtar Donetsk team and fans be today, it would have been a real story if they had made it through, and instead they bottled it big time...although not an unfamiliar story at the moment is it?


John Terry has said that Maureen should be made England manager. If ever there was a more odious man in football than ‘butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth...but you better not give one of us a fucking red card ref of I’ll hunt you down’ John Terry, then I’m open to suggestions. Considering the free reign that Chelsea players had to be complete chavs in various London nightclubs under Jose, I’m not sure he should be given the opportunity to do it again considering the spotlight on the national team, but then again he is a decent manager. It seems to me that he’s playing Brian Barwick like the kind of cheap slag John ‘I love my wife I do’ Terry probably hunts for; he’s giving her some attention in the hope that some fittie will see all this and swoop in to rescue him from the fat girl. We shall see I guess.

One final mention for West Brom too. Could have gone top on Saturday after Watford bottled a massive lead over the last month, and then they go and get spanked last night by the mighty Coventry....at home! What is going on......”

Luis Hernandez

Remember, if you would like to write an article for us then just email it to www.on-the-bench@hotmail.co.uk

0

Worst Diver In The Premiership

Tuesday 4 December 2007


Diving is a hot topic almost every week in the Premiership, none more so though when Cristiano Ronaldo was booked by Rob Styles after tumbling over Niemi's challenge at Old Trafford on Monday Night. There is no doubt in my mind that Ronaldo's reputation counted against him when Styles made his decision and if that is the case then perhaps there was some form of justice.

Diving is an increasingly technical art form. Who can forget Robert Pires a couple of years ago against Pompey when he managed to get penalty by kicking an opposition defender. Fast forward to today and there are number of players who are normally at the centre of any simulation scandal in today's game.

We have Steven Gerrard, though who maybe a brilliant footballer, can also be a prat of the highest order at times. Although he rarely dives on the floor without contact, he often will get a referee to give a free kick just by looking at him and imploring that he was indeed fouled. He also appears to have a way with words as proved when his spiel managed to convince Mark Clattenburg to send off Tony Hibbert when he was initially going to just book him.

Joe Cole at Chelski always seems to pretend that he has been shot in the back when ever he receives the slightest bit of contact. Either that, or he rolls around like a pregnant woman who has just had a nasty fall.

However, these boys came nowhere near to winning last week's vote which has seen Didier Drogba crowned as the worst diver in the Premiership.

As shown above, Didier is not the only person who makes meals of challenges, but the thing that gets on people's tits is that he is built like a brick shithouse yet screams like a girl if anyone makes the slightest bit of contact. If he was a little fucker then it would probably seem a bit more realistic but when you are arguably the biggest bully in the Premiership then it is hard to take.

The way the horse faced one tumbles to the ground at times is a disgrace and its as if a sniper is at pitch side. To be fair to Drogfather, he has admitted in a TV interview that he is in fact a cheat

"Sometimes I dive, sometimes I stand."

Drogba quickly backtracked on this statement, saying that it got confused in translation, but I think we all know he was telling the truth. Here is an example of the Ivorian's scandalous behaviour as shown last year against Liverpool.



Didier Drogba...you are officially the worst diver in the Premiership.

Sunil