ON THE BENCH

Things I Miss About Football..

2012-01-30T23:06:00.001Z

It seems that a lot of people are not talking about football these days. Whether it be racism, gayism (ok not sure if that's an actual word) or other outrageous incidents not even related to the beautiful game. Here are a few things which I think should be brought back/or removed to help bring the English game back to the glory days of the 90s.

1) The Pink Paper - This is one for people who are over the age of 25 mainly and what used to be the highlight of my Saturday night. Before the advent of the internet and Sky TV the quickest way to get the match report (apart from CEEFAX) was this evening paper which would publish your local teams report almost 2 hours after full time. Incroyable! The paper would also provide a fixture list and the results so far as well as the tables at the end of the day. All for about 30p. What more could you want? You can shove BBC live text commentary up your a*se!

2) Confetti - I may be wrong on this one but in my experience not many English fans still tear up bits of paper at the top of the stand and chuck them into the air as the players emerge from the kick off. A wonderful opening match ritual

3) Scrap hand shakes for good - Before players would emerge from the tunnel and charge towards their half of the pitch before the obligatory chants from the crowd to get the game going. Now thanks to the powers that be we have to watch the players all massaging each others hands in what is quite simply a pointless exercise. Why have player handshakes when a they might be elbowing, stamping or racially abusing each other later on? Answers on a postcard please

4) Keep injury time a secret - Before recent times we never knew how much injury time there was at a game heading into the final minutes. Why did I prefer this you may ask? Anyone who experienced hanging on 1 minute from the end to a single goal lead would simply be sh*tting themselves at this point as they had no idea how long was left. Thousands of people would be whistling/screaming for the ref to blow up creating an almighty crescendo. This made the feeling when the whistle went even more glorious. Now you can simply sit in comfort thinking "only one minute to go...". BORING

5) Teams just going all out to win - This is an obvious one but the cost of losing is so great financially that teams now just daren't go all out to win and instead many are force to try not to lose. In the old days, everyone just used to go for it, even if it meant taking a pasting.

Can anyone else think of anything that they really miss about football....?

Sunil

Bonkers Barton Has Crossed The Line

2012-01-21T23:45:00.001Z

Did you know that the name Joey Barton is an anagram of the word "Wanker"? I know, it took me a while to figure it out as well. Anyway, I think its fair to say that I have long considered that this odius character should have been banished from the footballing world and his latest actions have done nothing to alter my opinion.

The moustached midfielder has recently come out using his Twitter account (or should that be Tw@tter?) to lay into recently sacked Neil Warnock. Firstly, I would like to re-iterate that I don't really like Warnock either, mainly because of his undoubted role in the Battle of Brammall Lane. (link here for those are are unaware of this).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZDsjY3uFdE

Another interesting fact for you is that Colin Wanker is an anagram of Neil Warnock, hence people who disliking him being affectionately calling him "Colin"

Anyway, enough of this idotic wordplay (this isn't Countdown after all) and back down to my latest rant which is that Joey Barton has completely overstepped the line and I have massive sympathy with my old pal Colin for a change.

Having watched footballers over years, I have noticed that there appears to be a sort of unspoken rule in football that a manager will never pick on one player in public. This happens 99.9% of the time in football , lets be honest. Whether the manager then gives the player a bollocking behind closed doors is another matter, but they almost always support their public no matter how blatant the offence is.

This is why over the years we have had to put up with Wenger proclaiming he "didn't see it", Fergie blaming everyone from the groundsman to the referee and the likes of Dalglish supporting a player even when he commits a criminal offence in front of thousands. The one thing these managers will never be seen to be doing is lambasting their player in public. This is something which has always been kept "in house." Managers almost definitely never air their dirty laundry in public.

With regards to Barton, he was picked up in the summer by Warnock when pretty much no one else would touch him with a barge pole and has been well supported by his manager ever since. For those who don't remember, Barton is a convicted criminal and generally an all round bad egg.

A prime example of Warnock's support was a couple of weeks ago when Barton received a dubious red card and was backed by his manager to the hilt.

Which makes it more staggering to hear Barton's response to the Warnock's sacking . Whilst his comments were not direct its pretty obvious that he was just basically slagging off Neil Warnock's managerial prowess and then had the irony to tell him to "look in the mirror". Ha! That's a bit like Jordan criticising Jodie Marsh for not wearing enough clothes!

There was absolutely no need for Barton to launch into this tirade and even if he did not rate Warnock's managment style the least he could have done was keep scthum to show some respect for the fact that Warnock both signed and has always backed him.

Neil Warnock has taken QPR from the Championship to the Premier League and had them outside the relegation zone when he was fired. In the meantime, what has Barton contributed to football in in its entireity, let alone at QPR? Apart from give utterly useless opinions on Twitter, average performances week after week and generally just annoying all those around him?

Meanwhile, Warnock has shown a bit of grace and stated that he wont be getting involved in any arguments or discussions over this issue despite the fact he probably thinks deep down that Barton is a complete and utter C*nt ,which I think will leave everyone in no doubt as to who the real villain in this piece really is.

Sunil

Things Currently Annoying Me In Football....

2012-01-09T20:25:00.000Z

Its been a while since I have posted anything remotely interesting so here is brief summary with all things that are annoying me in football these days

Roberto Mancini

I have a lot of respect for Roberto for the following reasons;

1) He was a brilliant striker
2) He brought madcap Mario Balotelli to England
3) No matter what the weather or situation he looks so suave in that scarf and coat you just cant help but admire his style (in a non homosexual way : but if you look at him that way thats no problem)

However, his recent whinge that he would struggle to fill his subs bench for the Man Utd game was simply laughable. The guy has spent over £350m on his squad for crying out loud. He even has the luxury of signing players like Owen Hargreaves even though he has no intention of playing him. What does he want us to do, have a quick whip round the office to help him out? Simply ridiculous

Add to this his criticism of Wayne Rooney's card waving and it seems like Mancini is slightly losing the plot. Cast your mind back to the Man City Vs Liverpool game Roberto. Pot, kettle and black (or should that be N*grita?)

Here is a link to Mancini's moan about his squad depth

http://www.mirrorfootball.co.uk/news/Manchester-City-may-be-unable-fill-subs-bench-against-Manchester-United-as-so-many-players-are-out-article849586.html

One Footed Players

I am pretty sure that everyone will agree that football players are overpaid in a massive fashion. However, one thing that infuriates me is that approximately 99% of players are incredibly rubbish on their other foot. I mean, these guys have all week to train and none of them can be bothered to put in the extra 10% to practice with their crap leg. I get fed up of seeing the likes of Stewart Downing or even my beloved Chris Brunt running halfway across the pitch because they cannot shift the ball sideways with their other foot or make a 5 yard pass with their right foot. Here's some advice. Get practicising on the other foot and you may start becoming a better player! Perhaps Downing might actually hit the target on the pitch rather than in real life (muhahaha-not condoning any sort of physical assault whatsoever)

The Return of Old Players

First it was Thierry, then it was Scholesy? When will the madness of these managers stop? Are they going to bring back Eric Cantona and Tony Adams next? How about Steve Ogrizovic? Henry recently had a statue built of him at Highbury and that will probably be just as mobile as Mr Henry's own performances in the next few weeks. Farcical

Ray Wilkins

I will personally pay for a taxi for this man to the QPR job if it means getting him off my TV Screen. MY WORD!

Commentators blaming Johnny Foreigner

Why oh why when we see a player diving or waving an imaginary card is it immediately stated that "people didn't do that in England before foreigners came over." This lazy commentary has been bleated for years. If people actually watched football in the 1970s and players such as Francis Lee, then people would realise that sort of behaviour has been going on long before the arrival of Johnny Foreigner. Let's just accept that all players do it. Do some You-Tubing of Joe Cole , Steven Gerrard and various other English folks to get the picture.

Sunil

Lazy Punditry Just Needs to Stop...

2011-12-27T16:00:00.001Z

After another Christmas of not doing especially a fat lot, I decided to take my usual place on the sofa and tune into a Boxing Day feast of football which comprised of the usual dose of Soccer Saturday followed by Match of the Day.

Whilst this for me is pretty much a perfect Saturday and nothing can quite beat the sound of Chris Kamara shouting "Unbelievable Jeff" or Paul Merson screeching "He's hit the Beans on Toast!!", one thing which has persistently frustrated an annoyed me about these programs is the ridiculous amount of bias that the pundits and presenters show towards the "Bigger Teams" and also the "London Teams" in particular. In my view, the punditry at times is incredibly "lazy".

By lazy, I mean the fact that for example , in the pre-match chit chat for Soccer Saturday which is a whopping 3 hours, the ex-professionals' debate on the games is incredibly lop sided in terms of how much time they assign to each team. For example, a Man Utd vs WBA game will be treated to say 20 mins of chit chat with 18 mins dedicated to Man Utd with discussions of Wayne Rooney's hair cut to Gigg's antics and then a mere aside saying that WBA will be hopeful of a point or such like. Is this really fair? Where is the detail and analyis of the other team involved in the equation? And don't even get me started on their insistence of calling the big teams players names by their first name or even their nickname. I even heard Kamara refer to Gerrard as "Stevie G" on Saturday afternoon. Unbelievable(!)

Are these pundits too lazy to actually do any research into every team in the Premiership? Or are they only bothered about the old pals act they have going on with their former clubs? These guys have the whole week to study games and facts and yet it appears only Monsieur Stelling takes anything in and he really is an exception to the rule.

An example of this sheer arrogance and know it all behaviour of this was on Saturday's MOTD after the Wigan Vs Man Utd game. With the game fairly well poised Connor Sammon received a harsh red card and then the game was pretty much a non event. After the game, Lawro said that the result was unlikely to have changed despite the sending off which was probably a fair comment. However, he then added to this by saying that Wigan were never likely to win because they had lost every game in the Premiership to Man Utd prior to that. I am not a Wigan fan but if that comment had been made about my team I would have been fuming! Is the guy a bookie or a pundit? I am all for opinions but assuming Wigan would lose just because of previous games was a ridiculous thing to say. This was a team which had taken good points of Chelski and Liverpool in recent games. Prior to yesterday, WBA had lost every boxing day in the Premiership. Did that mean that because of that Lawro expected the Baggies to forfeit the game and hand the 3 points to City? Because it's just as well we didn't isn't it?

These clowns will also spend 5 hours spunking themselves silly over a decent goal from say a Rooney or a RVP yet almost completely dismissing a perhaps even better goal from a player who is from a smaller or lesser known team (for example, see Morrison for WBA vs Blackburn on Youtube..how many of you were aware of that goal?)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpVRHXMP2Ak

It cannot be denied that Sky can be just as bad, and you can almost guarantee that a a 4-4 draw between Bolton and Norwich would not be Game of the Day if Tottenham managed to beat Blackburn 3-1 in a fairly drab game.

This nonsense has been going on for many years now, with every time a top 4 team fails to win , it too often being blamed an "off day" without any credit given to the opposition. I would expect this sort of behaviour off managers and players alike but certainly not the neutrals in the studio who are receiving a large wedge of our license fee money to pay for their too often useless opinions.

Sunil

LFC are the biggest losers...not Suarez

2011-12-21T19:12:00.003Z

Liverpool FC. A team often associated with great past glories, one of the best match day atmospheres and some of the finest players to have ever graced the British game. However, their actions in response to the suspension handed to Luis Suarez have in my opinion been nothing short of extraordinary.

I am sure you have all had your chance to digest the days events and to sum up my feelings regarding the ban, I consider that it was a fair punishment, all things considered. Whether or not Luis Suarez is actually a racist is a completely different matter but his decision to use words which could cause offence based on colour/ethnicity was deserving of such a punishment in my view.

The main reason that I am blogging is that I cannot believe the reaction of LFC and more pertinently, the statement they released on their website. Was this statement put together by Gustavo Poyet? Or a 15 year old? Or both?

The statement states that Suarez cannot be a racist because of his background and his actions in the past in helping ethnic minorities in the community. Firstly, the FA did not call Suarez racist, they actually just said that he used inappropriate wording about colour. That aside, suggesting that someone cannot be racist simply because he is of a mixed origin is nothing short of farcical. I, for example, am of Indian descent. But if I walked into the office and addressed a black colleague by saying "What's up N***er!" would I really be able to hide behind my ancestry to suggest that this sort of wording was acceptable? Of course I wouldn't. The logic shown by LFC in this instance is utterly ridiculous.

Furthermore, LFC have stated that the case was based on only Evra's word? Did LFC actually realised that Suarez himself said that he had a used a word towards Evra which he said that his own players also used towards him. So it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realise that something was definitely said by the Uruguyan.

Then to make things worse, they then make reference to Evra's previous "racist incidents", using it as a stick to beat him with. Talk about classless. (I have noted that it has been indicated that Evra made a comment about Suarez's South American roots but this article is not commenting on that, more the reaction from LFC).

Of course the club intend to appeal the ban which they believe was too harsh. Now whilst comparing other situations across other professions can be difficult, a while back a certain Rodney Marsh made a certain comment about the Tsunami and was subsequently sacked immediately. I am not suggesting that Suarez should be sacked but to suggest that the ban was unfair or out of proportion is difficult to agree on.

I am quite simply shocked that LFC have refused to condemn any of Suarez's actions in this whole episode. The very fact that he used a word which reference Evra's colour is a pretty damning indictment on his part, whether it was meant to cause racial offence or not. If a Chinese guy pissed me off I would just call him a rude word perhaps but if I was to call him a little ch*nk then I could hardly blame anyone for concluding that I was being racially offensive. Suarez has only himself to blame in my opinion but the embarassment caused by LFC's response means that he has not come out of this debacle with the least amount of respect out of all parties involved. That dubious accolade belongs to Liverpool Football Club.

Sunil

P.S As I have written this article, it has transpired that the team and manager are supporting Suarez by wearing T-shirts in the warm up with his face on the front. Absolutely unbelievable!

No Sympathy for Steve Kean...

2011-12-20T18:48:00.004Z

If there is one thing we love in football, its a villain. Someone to hurl abuse at in such a fashion that it would not be out of fashion at a Pantomime at the Hippodrome in Birmingham. However, in pantomime we all know that anyone booing or hissing is merely in jest and by the end of the evening the actors and actresses all are smiling away as they accept the standing ovation which their performance (just about) deserves.

However, the world of football is not as forgiving as your punters down the local theatre. The abuse which was handed to Steve Kean at the end of the West Brom game was pretty vile but lets be honest, after the last minute goal by Peter Odemwingie, it was handed to him by about 10 people, as the vast majority of fans were already streaming towards the exit gates.

I have been a football fan for around 20 years and I am going to be honest and say that I have handed out my fair share of stick to both players and managers alike, but never to the level that Mr Kean is currently receiving. In fact, my approach has softened slightly over recent years as I have come to the opinion that just because all the professionals earn more than me, it does not necessarily merit me to be able to spew words of a vicious nature to the men.

Which would perhaps lead me to suggest that I have some sympathy for Mr Kean's current predicament. But the truth is, I don't. My sympathy completely lies with the Blackburn fans.

When Fat Sam was booted out by the Indians a year ago, there was definitely a dodgy whiff in the air (no curry jokes please). That these newcomers would get rid of an established (if perhaps disliked) manager and replace him with a man with no Premiership managerial experience seemed a little odd to say the least and at best, it was completely irresponsible. In fact, I was of the opinion that perhaps Kean had walked in on the Venkys having a threesome with one of their chickens and was going to use evidence this as blackmail. That seemed a the only logical experience at the time.

Fast forward a year later, and Kean's results in the Premiership have been nothing short of atrocious. A quite simply awful 7 wins from 37 games , 2 of which were against my beloved Baggies (how embarrassing). In fact, Blackburn's survival last year was mainly based on the ineptitude of the teams around them to put a run of results together, rather than the Rovers being able to put together any decent results themselves.

In terms of taking the job, no one could really blame Kean. Almost all football professionals in his job would have done the same thing. And lets be honest, the guy talks a good game. He keeps insisting his team will turn the corner, were unlucky, got shafted by the ref or will call upon their "team spirit" to dig them out the hole they are in. How about this Steve, why don't you get them actually playing football together and doing the basics right? That is what your job is to organise! He was rather smartly been observed as football's equivalent of Comical Ali. "Everything is under control....there are no enemies here.!!". Ho hum

Even as a non Blackburn fan this can be hard to take sometimes, and God knows what it must be like for the Rovers fans to put up with. His appearances in public remind me of a recent programme which chronicled the collapse of RBS bank. For those with a only a passing interest, I will educate you if I may.

Around 6 months before the collapse, the board of members and its head, Fred "The Shred" Goodwin held a meeting with shareholders. By this time, everyone in the country knew that the bank was pretty much f*cked. However, the members refused to acknowledge this and instead of resigning, decided to declare that they were "fighters" and would help the bank out the mess. They even denied that the bank was in any sort of trouble. This was complete nonsense of course. They merely did not want to resign in the hope that they would not lose out financially which I think is what Steve Kean is doing.

It has gotten to the point that his arrogance to remain in the post is actually hurting the club more than if he stays. When it gets to the stage where a man is not willing to fall on his own sword for the benefit of others its hard to maintain any sympathy. Let me cast your mind back a year or so ago when Gordon Strachan resigned and sacrificed any pay off from Middlesborough. I believe in fact, that even our beloved Schteve McLaren did the same when he left Nottingham Forest. At least these Ginger Ninjas have a smidgen of self respect left and will probably pick up work in the future. Unlike Mr Kean who will probably end up working selling Chicken Burgers in a later life. And so, all that's left for me to say is......KEAN OUT! (come on, if everyone else is saying it then why not me?)

Sunil

Things I Miss About Football....

2011-10-12T20:27:00.003+01:00

Part 2....Players Celebrating Goals (OTT)

It has been said by many a man that scoring a goal is better than sex. Whether this is actually true I personally am not too sure, but I think that the feeling of scoring a goal is pretty much unparalleled in world sport. And for years, everyone knew that footballers felt this way. In recent years, and I am talking mainly about the 90s, a player smashing the ball into the net would result in the team indulging in a veritable orgy of fist pumping, kissing, and general madness. This would often result in the team then conceding a goal straight from kick off as they wallowed in this moment, before realising that there was still a game going on.

However, it seems to me that players these days seem to be taking things a bit calmer when they score goals, often to the point where I wonder if the players had actually missed the chance rather than having dispatched it in the onion bag. Too often putting the ball into the net has been replaced with players celebrating with a modest handshake, a tap on the shoulder or waving to their mum in the crowd. And the ones that really grate are players that cannot even muster smile. SHAME ON YOU

For me this is unacceptable. Players these days seem to be hammered by the fans for not caring, for doing it for "the money". What better way would there be for players to deal a retort to this by actually celebrating in an over the top manner when they score? I long for the days when players such as Filipo Inzaghi would score a one yard tap in with his backside in a mid-table game and then wheel away to the half way line as he if he had just scored the winner in the World Cup Final. Over the top? Yes. Entertaining? Most certainly

There is an argument that players are more careful because they might get booked by the referee which is a fair point but I get totally pi$$ed off when I see players such as the fake Ronaldo celebrating a goal by strutting or pouting. Even the passionate Wayne Rooney seems to fall into this trap from time to time. The guy slammed in a hat trick against Arsenal this year then celebrated by just hugging a team mate. Some may this was respectful to the Arsenal fans but I could not give a monkeys! I would rather he went to the Arsenal fans on his knees and cupped his ears, perhaps in the style of Adebayor for Manchester City.

Anyway, here are a couple of videos to remind players of how goals should be celebrated. These are a couple of all my time favourites. You try telling these players that scoring isn't the best feeling in the world

Sunil

Things I Miss About Football....

2011-10-04T18:57:00.004+01:00

Part 1...Fat Footballers

If I was to ask you to name the fattest footballer currently plying their trade in the Premiership then what would your answer be? A difficult question to answer isn't it. Perhaps Yakubu? And even then he is hardly a Rik Waller lookalike. Fat Frank? Lets be honest here, this is really just a moniker and probably arose because over 10 yards he is slower than most people's grannies, rather then anything to do with his actual physique.

Anyway, the point is that most of the Premiership's footballers are now lean, mean ,footballing machines. Perhaps influenced by the influx of foreign managers,most teams these days have a pretty strict dietary regime with stringent regulations on what they can consume.

I personally find all this rather boring and long for the days when nearly every teams would have a fat footballer within their ranks, and more often than not,the fat playmaker/goal poacher. People who fit into this category include players such as Jan Molby, Mick Quinn, John Barnes, Fat Le Tissier (I mean Matt). One could even argue that the greatest player of all time was perhaps a little bit on the portly side, the special Maradona.

Why do I miss the involvement of these players? Perhaps because a lot of these players were actually pretty talented. The fact that they were so fat and still got regular playing action through their skills alone. Let's take a look at modern footballer, someone like Theo Walcott for an example. A very quick athlete but with all the footballing nouse of a dead pigeon. Then take for example, Matt Le Tissier, a player who could stand around on his fat arse for 89 minutes and then promptly waltz past 5 players and slam one into the top corner. I think I know which one I would rather see

These players are also take me back to a time when they fans believed that the footballers on the same level as they were and were playing for "us". What more could you want then to see Mick Quinn bury a 6 yard finish and then see him down the pub after the game putting away 5 pints of lager? These days the first thing footballers probably do is take sh*t after the game and get Gillian McKeith to inspect it.

Returning to Mick Quinn , the legendary Geordie got paid to put the ball in the back of the onion bag, which he did on a regular basis. It is often said that a good striker will always “finish his dinner”. However, Quinn perhaps took this a bit too literally, as after finishing his dinner, he would then proceed to finish everyone else’s for them.

Midfielders such as Molby and Gazza often had to use their excellent vision and ability to spray a long pass to make up for the fact that if they ran with the ball for more than 20m they would run of out of breath. But did this take away any enjoyment from watching them play? Not a jot in my opinion. In fact, players like this probably had more skill in their little toe then a lot of modern Premiership footballers have in their whole body.

So overall, what I would say is this. A lot of footballers these days appear to be athletes as opposed to footballers. Whereas the beauty really comes when players are the other way round. In other words..... BRING BACK THE FATTIES!!

Sunil

Premiership Ups and Downs.....

2011-09-28T19:21:00.004+01:00

Rather later than planned, here are the ups and downs from the Premiership this week

Going Up...

Robin Van Persie

So the glass man has entered the records books at Arsenal with a ton of goals to his name, both of which were sublime finishes. Its a shame that his injury record is so poor or else he would be in a position where he could play for one of the best teams in Europe (muhaha). Also, did anyone notice the rather bizarre commentary on MOTD for his near post finish. Rather than shout out "What a goal", the suspect (might have been Motty) screamed out "Great Refereeing!". Utterly bizarre.

Ramires

This guy might look like an Ethiopian who is constantly scurrying around for his latest meal but after his howler at Old Trafford he managed to redeem himself. His 2 lung busting efforts from midfield mean that the end is surely nigh for Monsieur Lampard

Stoke

Love them or hate them, they get results and they well worthy of a point against United. Nice to see Crouchy causing problems again (and this time, not in relation to his incessant cheating on his girlfriend).

Going Down

Steve Bruce

When Roy Keane left a few years ago, Sunderland and had an overly expensive assembled squad of Man United has beens (Bardsley, Richardson, D.Yorke), falling attendances, no trophies and a pretty turgid style of football. Fast forward 3 years and we are there again with Old Potato Head Steve Bruce (sub W.Brown, O Shea and Gibson for the above). How on earth this guy can be a manager I have no idea. All you hear is excuses, excuses and more excuses. More importantly, this guy seems to be getting bigger by the week in size and I think if he puts any more weight on he could be in danger of popping out of his suit like a deflated balloon. Surely the sack beckons sooner rather than later?

Richard Dunne

Will someone please tell this man that he is meant to put the ball in the OTHER net.

Spectators of WBA Vs Fulham

I went home last weekend to watch this debacle. Possibily one of the worst games I have ever seen (and believe you me, I have seen some shit over the years). WBA were crap and Fulham were not much better. How they managed to get 2 minutes of highlights on MOTD I have no idea. It was bit like walking in and finding your parents having sex. Upsetting, unnecessary and something which should be erased from the memory as soon as possible.

Frank Lampard

Franky better start filming some more "Super!" adverts because I think his football career could now be over. Spurned by both England and and now Chelski, the writing is pretty much on the wall

Sunil

Chicharito? Suck My Golden Balls

2011-09-27T20:52:00.008+01:00

I was sitting in my new flat a couple of weeks ago watching the entertaining Benfica Vs Man United game when the name of Javier Hernandez was uttered by the commentator. "That's pretty cool" said my flatmate Micky when an image of the Mexican one came onto the screen. "It's like he's got his rapper's name on the back of his shirt." (Micky is a rapper/MC who goes by the name of Micky Worthless)

I immediately stated my disgust at this, not at what he said, but at the notion that a player could have his nickname emblazoned on his shirt. My response? "I'm sorry but this is just ridiculous, what the hell would have happened if David Beckham had trotted out at Old Trafford with the name Golden Balls adorned on the coveted Red Jersey? Or even worse, 'G.Balls'". Utterly ludicrous I am sure you would agree.

The funny thing is that 'Chicharito' has even more letters than Hernandez anyway (I hope my maths is right) so its hardly saving letters or time to pronounce his name. I was even wracking my brain to think if anyone else had got away witch such a ludicrous request. Why not just open the floodgates? We could have defender Fitz Hall with "One Size" on his back, a little midget could have "SWP". Did Dion Dublin ever have "Donkey D*ck" written on shirt? Where would the madness stop? I mean, should we expect Joey Barton to have the word "C*NT" written on his jersey? Actually, on second thoughts, perhaps this nickname concept isn't such a bad idea after all....

An Apology

2011-09-26T20:13:00.003+01:00

An apology for the lack of updates recently...this hasn't been because I couldn't be arsed. I was away on my travels in Thailand and came back to find my computer had died. Not good. I will be back up and running when tonight's match is done and dusted. In the Wo meantime, I will leave you with the above picture which I took when conducting some informal scouting for my local team (ahem). Wowser

Premiership Ups and Downs.....

2011-08-15T22:52:00.009+01:00

As the Americans would say, Gameweek 1 is over. F*CK YEAH! Let’s see who's feeling higher than Pete Doherty and those who are lower than a snake’s belly.

Going Up

Sergio Aguero & David Silva

I am sure I am not the only person who is going to be commenting on the spunktastic debut from Sergio Aguero but it was truly wonderful to watch. I mean, let’s keep it in perspective, he did enter against a tiring Swansea side, but even then his impact was terrific to watch and showed he could have the potential to perform as well as he does on Pro Evo ( sorry I mean for Atletico Madrid). It’s fair to say he could be making the sort of difference to City that Torres did to Liverpool in his first season and he could look right at home in the Premiership. However, the main joy of the game was the brilliant orchestrator David Silva. I personally think as football has progressed , especially in the Premiership, then has been a diminishing influence of the little playmaker. However, Silva is a throwback to the good old days and it’s great to see someone who relies solely on vision, touch and awareness to flourish, rather than just physical prowess. Add to this his understanding with Aguero and is it possible that we could be seeing the birth of a partnership to equal that of Dwight Yorke and Andy Cole. I suggest we stay tuned to the tabloids to see if they can score just as well as Dwight and Andy did off the pitch.

Man United

How many other teams could have one shot on target and still win 2-1 when they looked to be heading for a draw? We might as well just hand the title to them now

Michael Vorm

He may have let in 4 goals but he had an outstanding debut. Makes you wonder what Arsene Wenger is up to if even Swansea can find a decent keeper. Apparently Wenger was sent a DVD of outstanding keepers at budget prices. His retort “I didn’t see it.”

Bolton Wanderers

Partypoopers of the highest order. And with the start these guys have, its probably just as well they have points on the board early doors

Fernandos Torres

Could the forgotten one be inching back to his best? Quite possibly, but whilst playing in a team which leaves him chronically short on service we are unlikely to ever see him hit the heights of those glory days at Anfield, which is a shame.

Going Down

David de Gea

Another game, another cock up. Ashley Young helped him get away with it but expect this guy to be getting a lot of the rough stuff in his debut season.

Mario Balotelli

This guy is pi$$ed off even when he is playing and scoring. Lord knows how this loose cannon will react now that City won’t be needing him and the Aguero love in will begin. Wouldn’t surprise me to see him start some riots of his own in the near future. Watch this space.

QPR

Blackpool won 4-0 on the first day of last season and still got relegated. So it doesn’t bode well for the Super Hoops who got a mauling in front of their own fans on Saturday. Perhaps my tip of Neil Warnock getting the sack could happen sooner rather than later.

Gary Neville

Could Sky Sports now have their own version of Garth Crooks? Quite possibly. I suggest you mute the TV when this guy is on

Wayne Routledge

Apparently this clown has played for over 7 Premiership Teams, took part in over 100 games and still not scored a Premiership goal. Imagine a Porn Star who had starred in over 100 movies but not got his leg over. Please, someone tell this guy he is in the wrong business.

Joey Barton & Gervinho

Panto season starts early at St James Park. An embarrassment of the highest order. Not probably seen the famous Bowyer/Dyer debacle...talking of which...

Kieron Dyer

The glass man returns with a vengeance. He has my every sympathy but I think its about time he did the honourable thing and pack it in. This guy has had probably less game time then Winston Bogarde did at Chelsea. And that's saying something.

Sunil

The Great Sack Race

2011-08-11T22:36:00.006+01:00

Whilst predicting who will be in the running for the title is about as easy as looting a JD Sports in Hackney, a perhaps far more difficult task is looking at who are the contenders for the chop. So let’s take a look at the managers facing a “squeaky bum time”.

Harry Redknapp

I’m gonna start off with a potential left field choice in good old ‘arry from the Lane. This is might seem a slightly ludicrous prediction but stay with me on this one. Spurs are in the god forbidden Europa League this season and probably need a good run in order to bring in extra revenue and potentially win a cup to keep Mr Levy happy. Ally this with a desperate need to get in the Champions League again to keep the likes of VDV, Modric and Bale happy and the squad at the Lane could soon be very stretched and the failure to sign a top quality centre half and striker could soon seem them plummeting down the league quicker than a lead balloon. Add to this Redknapp’s obsession of whoring himself for the England job at every opportunity and it’s not hard to see that things could take a turn for the worst quicker than expected. Harry has previously admitted that he tends to go to clubs who are struggling in form and has never been to anywhere where they are already doing well. This analysis would place him directly at the door of the England job and he would have no qualm in jumping ship, as shown by his times at Pompey and Southampton. In all honestly, I personally want to see him sacked just so Jamie doesn’t spend an hour fellating him whilst in the Sky Studio (not literally of course)

Roberto Mancini

Mancini is an interesting character to say the least. An absolute legend of a player, his attitude to management is somewhat surprisingly pragmatic. If you were to give Mancini unlimited money to buy the best ingredients the he would end up concocting a Hamburger and Fries and not a Michelin Star Meal. Let’s be honest, City are pretty horrible to watch and rely on nicking the odd goal to win games or grinding down the opposition. With Tevez likely to depart the onus could fall on Mario Balotelli to lead the line. That’s a bit like letting your 7 year old kid drive your Mercedes Benz. That’s right, you wouldn’t. Whilst City have the squad to maintain a good Champs League run unless they are in the running for the title early doors then Scarfed one could be in trouble. His negativity last season did not matter as City were only aiming for 4^th but to challenge for the title a more expansive approach will be needed. The FA Cup may have bought him time but when there is big money at stake then nothing can be put past those gazillionaire owners who are more trigger happy then Tony Montana with a machine gun.

Neil Warnock

An anagram of Neil Warnock is Colin W*nker. This has nothing to do with him getting the sack but it does always make me laugh. Colin took QPR to the title last year with plenty left to spare but this season will be a different kettle of fish. With millionaire owners refusing to give him more than about 2 quid to spend, the omens are not good. The mercurial Abel Taraadbt (hope I spelt that right) may be his saviour but Colin, although now a bit more mellowed ,still has an abrasive edge which may not go down well with his owners when the going gets tough. Nothing less than survival will be expected this year and if the R’s are in trouble around Xmas don’t be surprised to see Colin get his P45 as the owners look for a more glamorous name to splash the cash and take them to safety. I also would like to see him sacked because I think he’s a kn*b, but that’s by the by.

Alex Ferguson

Just kidding

(and a lot of you are probably thinking Arsene Wenger but even though I think he should go I would be astonished if the board fired him)

Mick McCarthy

I am sure most of you will agree that Mick is an affable chap. He also has a weird nose but I will forgive him for that. Wolves survived by the skin of their teeth last year thanks largely to an incredible record against teams in the top echelons of the table. With that unlikely to be repeated this year, the dirty Dingles will have to improve their form against the weaker sides which is far easier said than done. The signing of Roger Johnson could be key but the board will be hoping for more than last day survival this year and expect the pressure to be cranked up to the extreme this season. Mick’s saviour may be that there are probably 3 worse teams than Wolves in the league but if they are near the danger zone come Christmas then expect Mick’s nose to be put even more out of joint (not sure if that’s actually possible).

So there you go, there are my tips for the sack race. Please feel free to send me any winnings when the predictions come in.

Sunil

Football? Bah Humbug

2011-08-03T21:22:00.003+01:00

Football is back. I should be excited. But I’m not. And that’s unusual. The impending football season for me is like the unwanted return of the Genital Herpes which you thought you had shaken off, only to return when you least expect it. This really shouldn’t be how I feel.

The Championship is a few days away and is swiftly followed by the return of the Premiership season. Cue adverts from Sky showing that we cannot live without football. But for me that simply isn’t true. After the end of the season I was actually grateful. The season finale and in particular Survival Sunday was a heart wrenching, nerve wracking spectacle which few other sports could ever match. A great note to finish on and then to take a good couple of months break before getting all excited about the next season...

....which like a flash has already arrived. But am I bothered? Not really. The two month break has descended into a two month orgy of football rumours/non football rumour which means it’s like the season has never ended. I understand that journalists must be having a difficult time of it to be honest. Like school teachers in the 6 week holiday, they have pretty much the square root of f*ck all to do. However, this for me is no excuse to just churn out non stories or link players with clubs a million times over without substance. The Tevez, Fabregas affairs are typical of this. Every time I see an article with either of these players in I just want to take the paper and wipe my arse with it. Am I the only person who thinks it would be way better if the papers just reported things when something was actually going to happen? E.g “Fab signs for Barca for £50 million on a 5 year deal.” Now there would be an article worth reading. Instead, all we get is “Fab - should he stay or go?” etc etc. Do I really give a f*ck? Just tell me when the transfer happens and then I will be interested you morons.

The internet and media have changed massively in the last few years and throw Twitter into the mix and you have a high potential for a cocktail of massive bullsh*t and conjecture. Can we really believe anything anyone says these days? Let’s take Daniel Sturridge for example. He has been linked with about nearly all 92 teams in the football league by my estimate (slight exaggeration perhaps). I mean, this is clearly a farce, newspapers are clearly taking a wild stab in the dark in order to try and claim that they got the exclusive right. Is this really what journalism is about? I am sure a few of you will be saying I should just avoid all football news but for it’s nearly impossible these days and at most times its unavoidable.

The lack of a break has not been helped by Europe. Stoke and Fulham are playing some farmers in Iceland whilst still arranging pre season friendlies. What the hell? Why bother even having a break at the end of the season these days? For me, it’s just too much. In former years, the lack of any real action in the mid season break (not sexual) would mean that I could not wait for the new season to start, with new signings abound. I do not even feel as though the old season has finished. It’s still lingering, much like an old fart. Obviously, in a couple of months I will be back in the football groove and all will be fine and dandy. I just wish that the last couple of months could have been a more football-less affair. A bit like a game at the Brittania Stadium.

Sunil

Back in August 2011

2011-04-11T21:16:00.000+01:00

We will be returning next season....for all you football lovers out there

Ups & Downs...

2008-03-10T22:11:00.006Z

A few weeks ago, I posted an article saying that I was disillusioned with football and that I had lost all faith in it. Well fast forward a few weeks and its safe to say that I am back in love with The Beautiful Game. And of course, this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my team has a great chance of winning the FA Cup ;-) . Here are the latest Premiership and FA Cup Ups & Downs.

Going Up

Barnsley
Although many people could argue that Barnsley's win over Liverpool was slightly fortunate, I don't think that anybody who witness Saturday's performance could argue that they ran out worthy winners against Chelski. Well, unless they are Alex Ferguson and Carlos Queiroz, but we will come back to that later.

Using a simple tactic of whacking the ball up to Odejayi of Barnsley, Avram Grant was hopelessly outwitted by his Barnsley counterpart Simon Davey as the Championship side turned over last season's winners. I am not entirely sure why Odejayi is not playing basketball rather than football but his massive presence made sure that Terry and Riccy C had one of their worst experiences in recent years as they were bullied off the ball left, right and centre.

Barnsley created plenty of chances and there was some heroic defending in the final stages. If the CIA needs any new bodyguards then perhaps they should employ the whole Barnsley team because these guys would have thrown themselves in front of a speeding bullet if they had to.

I don't think anyone can argue that these guys deserve to win the Cup after knocking out two of the big 4 in such spectacular fashion.

Portsmouth
Going to Old Trafford is never easy and Pompey had to ride their luck in sometimes ridiculous circumstances before securing a win which suggests that their name might just be on the cup this year.

How on earth Distin cleared that ball of the line I am not entirely sure and the winner was created in rather comical fashion as Rooney and Anderson were left as the last 2 defenders in an attempt to stop Baros breaking clear. Sulley Muntari showed that his balls were as big as the power of his shot as he lashed the ball past Rio Ferdinand to hand Pompey victory. I can think of many places that Rio would rather have been then standing in the line of fire of Muntari, with the obvious contender him being on Facebook organising one of his legendary Roast Parties. He may as well have been actually as Muntari ripped the ball past him to silence Old Trafford.

West Brom
The final scoreline of 5-1 was a touch flattering but don't write of the Baggies for the Cup this year. Though their defence is suspect to stay the least, they have awesome goalpower as demonstrates at the Memorial Ground. Ishmael Miller was the pick of the players for the Baggies with an excellent hat-trick. West Brom will be hoping for a better trip to Wembley than last time where they lost to Derby in the play off final. How the fuck they lost that day is one of life's greatest mysteries along with who shot JFK and how on earth Michael Jackson's kids are white. Answers on a postcard please.

Torres and Gerrard
I think that these two might have some kind of Dwight and Andy thing going on because the way they combined against Newcastle was simply irresistable. Many people say that Liverpool used to be a one man team but now they are definitely a two man team as the Torres-Gerrard axis tore Newcastle to shreds. The Reds are in fine fettle at the moment as they continue to steam forward with their traditional excellent form after Christmas. Who knows, perhaps its something to do with that much criticised rotation policy...?

Going Down

Alex Ferguson and Carlos Querioz
I have generally hidden my disgust at all things Manchester United in recent seasons, whether it be the ridiculous timekeeping, the amount of filthy winners they used to get back in the day or Ferguson's constant whinging and moaning. However, my feelings have died down in recent years as a result of Fergie mellowing out and United being one of the best footballing sides in the country. That and the fact I have a load of their players in my Dream Team.

Anyway, Ferguson and Querioz brought back memories of the good old days with their quite ridiculous criticism of the referee Martin Atkinson during Saturday's defeat against Portsmouth. As far as I could see, the ref only got two things wrong on Saturday. One was not awarding Ronaldo a penno after being body checked by Distin. The only other error I could see that he made was possibly not sending off Wayne Rooney after he launched himself at Nico Kranjcar (who was to have the last laugh). For a hysteric Querioz to say that the referee should himself have been sent off was simply hilarious, but for him to say that Pompey's Diarra's tackling was akin to Taylor's leg breaker on Eduardo was simply disgraceful. Lets get some perspective here, Eduardo nearly lost his foot whilst Ronaldo was simply pushed over a few times and the only thing he would have got damaged was his haircut. (talking of which, what exactly does he put in there? Fergie's spunk?).

All in all it was hilarious to see Man Utd blow a catlaogue of chances and then end up with Rio Ferdinand getting merked by Sulley Muntari in the dying minutes.

Middlesborough
When your own manager admits that you froze on the big occasion at home against a team in the lower half of the Championship then you know that you have balls like cashew buts. Boro were outlclassed in every department as they were embarrassed in front of their own support and live on National Television. The last time I saw a performance that bad was when I watched John Travolta in Battlestar Galactica (just for the record, I didn't actually see that film , but you get the gist).

Wigan's Pitch
Allowing a town to play rugby and football on the same pitch? In this day and age? The same for both sides it may be but this pitch could be the deciding factor in Wigan staying up as it really is a leveller of prodigious proportions.

West Ham and Alan Curbishley
Losing 4-0 in three successive games is pretty shambolic no matter who the opposition as the Hammers remain firmly lodged in mid-table. Alan Curbishley looks set to continue his not so envious record of having a terrible 2nd half of the season whichever his club may be at. Perhaps they should get 2 managers, one for each half of the season. Worse still was the sight of Dean Ashton looking like Mido up front. i.e fat, slow and rubbish

Avram Grant
For Avram Grant read Ronaldo and Thierry Henry i.e big game bottler. The Israeli looks like a dead man walking at the moment (literally) and surely the writing is on the wall. His team looked disinterested, lacking fight (unless Terry is rucking with Ten Cate) and surprisingly short on quality as Luke Steele didn't have to make save of note during the whole game. I think its fair to say that we won't be seeing this miserable fucker on our screens next year. Jose must be loving it at the moment.

Mark Bright
Is this guy Garth Crooks in disguise? Get this clown off the TV. Another waste of licence money methinks.

Phil Bardsley

A truly disgusting tackle to prove that 90% of footballers are as thick as shit after everything that has happened in recent weeks. How he didn't break Fernandes' leg is a mystery really.

Sunil

An extract from Torres' autobiography.....

2008-03-07T10:14:00.002Z

Even as a Liverpool fan I thought this was kinda funny, this was stolen mercilessly from the bbc message boards. Enjoy

"Flying into Manchester airport for the signing was one of the most exciting days of my career. The limo transferring me took a while longer to reach the ground than I expected but once there I was greeted by a sea of red. The chanting and atmosphere were brilliant and it all passed by in a blur.

Once inside the ground I was greeted by the manager, the first time we had met face to face. He was a lot heavier than I expected but spoke to me in good Spanish which made me feel most welcome. We went straight into a conference room for the official signing.

After I had put pen to paper the manager turned to me and said "Welcome to the biggest club in the World".

I said thank you and asked "When will I meet Wayne and Cristiano"?

There followed about ten minutes of confusion from which it transpired that there are two clubs in the North West of England known as the "Reds" and my idiot agent had got them mixed up.

However I had signed so had to get on with it. Benitez was known as the "Gaffer". I asked Stevie G (the only other player at the club who could control the ball) why this was.

He explained that in English "gaffe" is an embarassing mistake. Apparently even the owners called Rafa "gaffer".

All I can do now is play really well and hope that Real, Barca or possibly Barnsley come and save me from my nightmare.

Some days after training I drive from Liverpool to Manchester and sit outside Old Trafford and dream of what might have been. I can sit there for hours.

Then Stevie will nudge me and say "Come on Nando, we have to go back".

We drive silently back to the gaffer.

Taken from "How did I get here?" by Fernando Torres.

Who's Worse....Alan Smith or Emmanuel Eboue?

2008-03-04T21:08:00.007Z

I write this article as I watch Emmanuel Eboue miss a golden chance to put Arsenal ahead in the San Siro. By the time I get to the end of this article we will find out if this miss was to ultimately prove crucial.

Watching the terrible miss made me realise what a shambolic player this guy is. He can't cross, he can't tackle and he sure as hell can't shoot. And aside from that he is one of the most despicable characters in the game, with his play acting tactics, his filthy tackles and his insistence of trying to get opposition players booked by waving an imaginary card. I am sat here thinking, he surely in total is one of the most horrible footballers in the modern game?

But then I thought, hold on what about a certain Yorkshire cunt-head called Alan Smith, currently plying his trade at Newcastle. To be fair to Smithers, he did show some early promise at Leeds United under David O' Leary and many people seemed to revel in his "never say die attitude". However, I personally thought that Alan Smith was a filthy bastard, always flying late into tackles and winding up the opposition for no apparent reason other than to try and get them embroiled in a fight.

Smith cried when Leeds got relegated from the Premiership but those tears were quickly wiped away I am sure when he joined the team Leeds hate more than anyone, Manchester United. His Judas stature in Leeds folklore was secure.

Smith's tenure at Man Utd started off pretty well but soon descended into mediocrity as Fergie, realising that Smudger was a shit striker, attempted to deploy him as a midfielder, with equally disastrous results. Fergie's attempts to turn him into the next Roy Keane turned out to be as effective as turning Hurley from Lost into a supermodel.

Smith broke his leg against Liverpool and during this spell on the sidelines he scored as many goals as if he would have been playing. None.

In the summer, Smith moved to Newcastle for a whopping £6m, despite only 7 goals in 61 games for Man United, a truly terrible record for a striker. That's almost a worse scoring record than me (almost).

However, Smith has tried to excel himself in his ineptitude by scoring no goals for Newcastle so far. It is actually true that if you stuck a monkey up front then they couldn't have a worse record. In fact, why not just play with 10 men. Add to this the fact that he is still a thug and the only thing Smith can be proud of is that he once banged Gemma Atkinson, though having heard her sex-ploits, she probably has a pussy like a wizard's sleeve (or clown's pocket, take your pick).

Rumour has it that Smith also has an IQ of 88, a score so low I didn't know it existed.

So who would you rather not have in your team, Smith or Eboue? As the guy from Blind Date would say, the choice is yours

Sunil

P.S As I write this Adebayor has just secured a 2-0 win meaning that Eboue's howler was not punished.

P.P.S Even as a closet Gooner, I wish people would stop going on about this "team spirit". That term is something only used when teams win isn't it, where does it go when team's lose eh? So shut the hell up about it.

2 Angry Men......

2008-03-04T10:26:00.006Z

I agree with you all that what Gallas did was petulant and a poor show, but I didn't deny that. My point was that Cahill was a pussy if he was crying when he celebrated his goal, and would normally get the piss ripped put of him. Instead its alright cause he showed some emotion.

Im sorry but losing a family member to 6 years in prison >>>>>>>>> losing 2 points in the premiership. Those are the facts, if he is a pussy for crying over this what the hell does that make William Gallas?

Gallas had spent the week consoling Bacary Sagna who's brother had died unexpectedly. He had then seen one of his teammates get his leg broken in two. Following all of that he had then seen his team draw the game due to a potentially dodgy decision in the last seconds of a tense game. Its not meant to be a sob story, but what I'm getting it is...hey, the guy showed some emotion when there was a lot going on. Shit happens.

This seems a little ridiculous, im sure Bacary has family that can console him, I think you are taking the idea of captain abit too far here, his leadership is on the pitch. I seriously doubt that Bacary needs a father figure like Gallas to look after him, im guessing he went back home to be with his family. I know Arsenal fans like to laud the family like atmosphere but i think thats taking it a bit too far. Next you will be telling me that they all have Sunday lunch together and babysit each others kids. Yes there was alot going on but seriously it wasn't the worse thing to ever happen on a football pitch, but that was probably one of the worst reactions.

But saying all that whilst I understand his reasons I do still he should have sucked it and been more of a captain. But I do think some of the reaction to it has been as OTT as his own.

I agree.

As to the whole Eduardo thing, I'm not quite sure why people think Arsenal fans are acting as if he died. I personally am sad for one of our players being injured, and wish him well. If others are taking that too far and 'grieving' then it seems to me to be a minority. But I don't see why that should really bother other fans. If a player on your team got his leg cracked like you'd all think that's a bitch, good luck to him getting back, and maybe even sing his name at a game. Haven't we been saying recently how crap supporters are for not connecting with players and vice versa?

You are not sure why? Seriously? I think sane Arsenal fans like you Jockstrap, need to realise that are alot of myopic and deluded fans too. The grieving and hypocrisy has been around for all to see, he has received over 25000 get well messages, is that not a bit excessive. Cisse broke both his legs, can you even recall what kind of reaction there was? It was a shame and all us Liverpool fans moved on even though we are labeled with the "minutes silence" mourning mentality. This Eduardo incident is just another bad injury, which he will recover from. This is not another David Busst, So why does it seems like it?

Maybe its because of all the death threat bollocks, but I think that's been blown well out of proportion. Most of it seems to be sad internet warriors blowing off steam, and croatian fans who had a decent chance at the Euro's before this.

I seriously doubt this, yes Croation fans are pissed, but you will find that its precious Arsenal fans who have created the monster that is the anti Taylor sentiment, all starting from the great example Wenger set.....

As to Wenger pissing people off...I could care less. We constantly listen to Alex Ferguson spouting shit and its just the way it is. Besides the reason you hear more than when we're not competing is because the media is more interested in the team and has papers to sell. I don't many managers actually arrange press conferences to give their views on the footballing world.

Ferguson does not spout nearly as much shit as Wenger does, he is the master of bullshit. Yes he retracted his statement about Taylor, but why do you think he did so? It wasn't because he genuinely regretted what he said, it was because his media advisors told him to retract it or face another FA charge. He stinks of hypocrisy, literally reeks of it. The challenges by Flamini, Eduardo himself and Gallas against Man Utd in the cup were just as disgraceful as most challenges I have seen this season. What were Wenger's comments about these? Has he ever once come out to apologise for the behaviour of players such as the incredulous Eboue? Let he has the cheek to call for Taylor to be banned, if so then Eboue should be beheaded.

Oh well...that's my rant over. Personally I think the team is in the middle of probably choking, but I don't think its the team's mentality that's the problem, but not having a strong enough squad. Also Man U are just a much much better team than us at the moment. For the money we've spent (rightly or wrongly) we're not doing to bad for ourselves, and if we don't win it, which I've always doubted we will, then we've had a good season and a much better one than was predicted by everyone. And if we do win it y'all can kiss my arse!! :-)

This sounds like another "small club punching above its weight" excuse that I've been hearing for years and years. If you win it, its because you have had 5 years to nurture a group of young players forsaking any success within that time, now they are maturing. Arsenal are the only club who can afford to do that, it wasnt long ago when I heard Arsenal fans calling for Wengers head, but only now they have realised he was building something. So don't make excuses, about your squad not being strong enough because that simply isn't true. If you win it I will give respect where respect is due, but I for one hope that it doesn't happen, because I simply could not bare a summer of newly bought Arsenal shirts floating around my house. Rant Over, as you can tell I am not the biggest Arsenal fan.

Cult Heroes.....Djimi Traore

2008-03-03T20:18:00.006Z

I was chatting to my friend Saran the other day when a conversation cropped up about this month's Goal of the Month competition. It was in reference to Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink's screamer against Wolves in the FA Cup, where he rolled back the years with a sublime dummy. "That guy is a legend" we both agreed.

That got me thinking of how many other legendary Jimmy's there were. Jimmy Bullard, a constant figure of fun, Jim Rosenthal, the brilliant ITV presenter and of course Jim "here is what you could have won " Bowen, former presenter of Bullseye.

Below is a video of the hilarious Bullard

Anyway, as much as a legend that Jimmy Bullard is, there is truly one Jimmy that can hold Cult Hero status, and that man is , you guessed it, Jimmy with a D, Djimi Traore.

Traore is one of life's great conundrums. A bit like Brigitte Nielsen, you sometimes wonder what on earth they were put on this planet for, but ultimately you can't take your eyes of them. Djimi was signed by Monsieur Houllier during his time on Merseyside for a mere £500,000.

Djimi didn't really flourish during this time and found his first team chances fairly limited and when he did play he hardly inspired any sort of confidence, defending with all the nouse of a 18 year old smacked off his tits on heroine.

Things got that bad that Everton nearly signed him during Houllier's last season in charge, but thankfully for Liverpool fans, this move didn't materialise. The lowest point in Traore's ill fated career was in the FA Cup Clash against Burnley where he somehow managed to perform the Zidane drag back in spectacular fashion. Unfortunately for him, it was in his own 6 yard box and the hilarious own goal sent Liverpool tumbling out the cup. The words Bambi on Ice don't come even close in trying to describe the debacle.

However, like all Cult Heroes, Djimi showed that he had the cojones when it mattered and months later performed heroically in the Champions League Victory against Milan in Istanbul. His goal-line clearance from Sheva just made you know at the time that it was destined to be Liverpool's night. So Traore has now gone down in history as possibly the worst ever player ever to win a Champions League Medal. However, my friend Saran has confirmed that his honour falls to David May, which I don't think many people can really argue with.

His ineptiude is probably best summed by this chant spawned by the Kop to the tune of The Jacksons and "Blame It On The Boogie"

Dont blame it on Hamann
Dont blame it on Biscan
Dont blame it on Finnan.
Blame it on Traore!
He just cant,he just cant, he just cant control his feet!

Here is a clip of Djimi's only Liverpool goal, just to show that he can actually play a bit.

Djimi Traore....WE SALUTE YOU!

Sunil

My Weekend Football Rants......

2008-03-03T14:22:00.006Z

Have Arsenal blown it?

After the most ludicrously crass and irritating Eduardo(RIP) saga, Gallas' wetting his pampers with his childish petulant strop and Man Utd literally breathing down Arsenals necks, you have to start wondering whether Arsenal's "kids" can hold their nerve and win the title. From my observations they were very fortunate to win the match against Villa and the animosity between Adebayor and Bentdner is clear for everyone to see. Wenger believes that they don't need to get along to coexist in the side, and he probably has a point, but we all know how well a strike partnership can work when you are more than just friends, just ask Dwight and Andy. Man Utd have as much experience in the position as Jenna Jameson has doing doggy style, so this probably makes them the favourites, and lets not forget Chelsea who are a footballing cyborg motoring through all their games with no remorse and care for the women and children of this world. Its going to be tighter than a.............. I think ill just stop there with the dirty analogies.

Hypocrisy?

Where will it end? Some Villa fans were removed from the Emirates for singing songs aimed at Eduardo. Personally I think its awful, but can we have some consistency from Arsenal fans who have rung me up to complain about all this over the weekend. Was it not Arsenal fans singing songs about Auschwitz in recent games? Or haven't missed the point that the apparent murder of one footballer on the pitch is worse than the deaths of 6 million Jews? Lets have some perspective please.

Is there anything more hilarious than the whole Newcastle debacle?

As we cleverly and expertly predicted(not exactly rocket science), Newcastle are an absolute and utter shambles of a team at the moment under the leadership of teh great King Kev. Keegan is not necessarily to blame, he has inherited a mangled squad, which is a Frankenstein-esque creation of Mike Ashley and Big Sam. The defence is non existent, just how much space was Matt Derbyshire afforded for his last minute winner? What more needs to be said about Michael "I want to win trophies" Owen? His career has taken a spectacular nose dive and it couldn't have happened to a nicer man. Hopefully he can reignite his career as the best striker in the championship. Newcastle probably need to win 3 more games to be safe, and reach that magical 40 points mark, it probably will happen, but the hilarity of seeing them even in contention of relegation after seeing some people i know drop their life savings on Newcastle to be the top team outside of the top 4 is simply priceless. Just to top it off, the Pedersen and Bai altercation was probably the pinnacle of my weekend TV viewing, simply hilarious. Who needs only fools and horses when you can just sit in St James park on a Saturday afternoon.

So, what was with the emotional Tim Cahill you might ask?

well, Tim Cahill's brother was jailed for 6 years for partially blinding someone, which was the reason for the handcuffs celebration and crying when he scored. Misguided? maybe. But surely footballers are human, they have emotions too, so lets give the guy a break. Some of the typical overreacting to the incident has been a little bit OTT.

Who will get 4th spot?

Everton look good, this is a fact that cant be denied. The Yak is in sparkling form at the moment and they have a decent squad too. Villa look decent also and were unlucky not to win at the Emirates on the weekend, whilst Liverpool are just starting to pick up some form after a truly awful premiership season. Lets get one thing straight, Everton will not be playing champions league football next year, and if they did they would simply embarrass the nation like they did last time. The people that believe they will make that 4th spot are the ones who would love to see Liverpool out of the competition they always seem to do well in. All my mathematical modelling calculations have led to the same outcome, which has Liverpool in 4th and Everton in 5th, lol. Well I hope I'm right and these comments don't come back to haunt me. If you have time on your hands head over to the BBC game predictor thing, yo will probably come out with the same outcome.

Frank Lampard.

Why do all the west ham fans love Joe Cole but hate Frank Lampard? Well I think its quite simple really. One is a very talented and humble footballer whilst the other is an overweight lump of uselessness, yes I know im being harsh, but hey thats my prerogative. Nothing gave me more glee than to see him get sent off for his stupid petulant reaction to Boa Morte, although seeing mouth to Boa Morte that "You're a C*nt" was quite hilarious.

Has Avram grown some balls or has Ten Cate completely taken over now at Chelsea?

Leaving out 2 of the world's best players takes some guile, I don't think many teams in world football could afford to drop Essien and Drobga. Maybe he is saving them for the champions league, using a rotation system that only one man in the Premiership seems to get vilified for. Hmmmmm

When will they ban Makalele for life?

His tackle on Faubert was simply horrifying, life threatening, riot inducing and may even have been the cause of the black death. He could have sent him to the morgue to lay in rest with Eduardo. Will justice prevail?

Van Persie or Van Porcelain?

Apparently this man isn't actually dead and could feature against Milan, can anyone confirm this? If he is fit, how long until he's broken again?

How well has Al Fayed done?

He has almost turned Fulham into the Man united of the south. Good work man, now enjoy the championship.

My Thoughts On Teddy Sheringham.

Great payer who had a great career, and was fortunate enough to be banging 20 yr olds when he was in his 40s, probably the best headerer(sic?) of the ball in recent times, simply superb. Unfortunately I take back all my praise for him because he is an utter bellend, and anyone who has met him in real life like I have, will agree with me.

Will Fergie ever stop Felating Benzema?

We know what you are up to Sir Alex, please stop it, its not amusing and hes only 20 years old.

David Beckhams Condoms.....

2008-03-03T13:54:00.004Z

Is there anything that this man won't brand? Seriously, where do we draw the line? He has branded some Chinese condoms with some hilarious tag lines and photos to go with them.

Bedroom eye? What the hell is that? Why have they chosen such a ridiculous picture to put on the packaging? What the hell is the world coming too? "Now with less lead and toxins", I don't know about you, but I don't want any lead and toxins near my private parts.

Nothing much to say here really, I think the picture tells the whole story. Can the marketing manager of this condom brand please give me a call, we need to have a serious conversation.

David Moyes, says what we have all been thinking....

2008-02-27T13:33:00.006Z

David Moyes has been accused of racism by the Nigerian football association for making claims against the real age of Yakubu. African footballers suffer greatly when it comes to whether they are the age they say they are, Ghana and Nigeria always seem to do well in competitions with age restrictions. It really makes you wonder why that hasn't always translated to future senior success, but if a bunch of 25 years olds are playing in an under 17s world cup then there really isn't a chance for everyone else is there. In senior football you then have a bunch of 40 year olds playing youngsters so now the tables have turned.

Freddy Adu is a good example, apparently he is 18 years of age now, but my mother claims that she went to school with him, so make what you want of that, just kidding. God knows how old Roger Milla was when he played in the 1994 world cup, apparently he was 42 but he may have been much older, and who knows how old Okocha is right now. My Nigerian friends always tell me its a fact that their ages are fabricated, especially as some of them may have attended school with older siblings. For example look at Kanu, he claims to be 32, and this is him as a 20 year old. Hmmmm

Yakubu claims to be the only a few months older than me, as some of you may know, I look very fresh faced, if Yakubu looks 25 then i probably look 12.

Freddy Adu is 18 allegedly, well I hope he is or the dirty thoughts he is having about Jojo in this picture would be oh so wrong.

At the end of the day who really cares, they are all great players anyway.

Here is the David Moyes story in full

Nigeria fury over Moyes comments

The Nigeria Football Association (NFA) has written to the English FA asking for Everton manager David Moyes to be sanctioned.

Moyes questioned the true age of his striker Yakubu Ayegbeni and of Nigerian players in general.

"He's only 25, albeit a Nigerian 25, and so if that is his age he's still got a good few years ahead of him," Moyes told the Guardian newspaper.

NFA spokesman Ademola Olajire says the comments have embarrassed the country.

"His statement is insulting to the Nigerian nation and unbecoming of a Premier League manager," Olajire told BBC Sport.

"We don't take kindly to snide remarks about our players, or our nation and we have sent a strongly-worded complaint to the English FA.

"Seriously, we will go at any length to ensure he is brought to book to explain his comments."

Moyes was speaking after Everton's Uefa Cup win over SK Brann on Thursday.

He was praising Yakubu, who scored a hat-trick.

Spur's Fan Gatecrashes Team Photo

2008-02-26T20:02:00.004Z

After all the news surrounding Eduardo's snapped banjo it has gone un-noticed amongst many people the hilarious incident after Sunday's Cup Final where a Spurs fan managed to gatecrash the celebrations after the extra time win for Ramos' side.

It is not quite sure how the man managed to escape the clutches of security but fair play to the Spurs team for helping to join in the fun by spraying him from head to toe in champagne. Here he is below enjoying his 15 minutes of fame

The image brought back memories of when Karl Power, a Manchester United fan, managed to sneak into the team photo for a Manchester United Champions League Game. The same man also managed to merk the England cricket team by posing as one of their players when a new batsman was called in, though to be fair if he had actually made it all the way there is no chance that he could have done any worse than any of their actual players.

To add to this, there are vicious rumours circulating that an a miserable Israeli man with a face like a slapped arse has managed to convince the public and Roman Abramovich that he is the manager of Chelski football club. However, apparently this has been denied vehemently by Peter Kenyon who say that everything is completely under control. Kenyon also confirmed that Ashley Cole is currently having the time of his life and that he couldn't be feeling better at the moment

Sunil

WTF!!!, moment of the weekend....

2008-02-26T13:53:00.003Z

There are moment in football that just make you chuckle sometimes, I have never really hidden my disgust for all things Real Madrid, so this incident on the weekend against Getafe has bought a wry smile to my face. The perennially injured Robben thought he had scored, but sadly it was disallowed for some odd reason, Getafe then duly played on and scored the winner leaving everyone totally bemused. Absolutely brilliant, the gap is only 2 points now. Come on Barca.

**Tw*t Watch**

2008-02-25T14:45:00.004Z

I think we are all aware of how stupid Stephen ireland is, he is famed for pretending his grandmother had died to get out of an international game and posting on an internet website under a stupid username expressing his hatred for the beautiful game. Can we forget his strip show celebration or his simply ridiculous hair transformation. But now he has taken his insanity a step too far, with his purchase of a 90 grand range rover with pink trim. Enjoy some pictures of Ireland in all his twattish glory.

De- Motivational posters of the weekend....

2008-02-25T12:01:00.004Z

Tottenham players get a bit too excited....

2008-02-25T11:52:00.006Z

Well, only a few hours after completing the biggest triumph fro Tottenham football club in years, some of the lads decided to take a trip to Faces nightclub, where Ledley got a bit too hammered, to hilarious effect, just look at the pictures below. What the hell will Juande be thinking? Unfortunately no stories of any roasting have appeared yet, but give it time and im sure something will turn up. Danni Lloyd was there so surely something must have gone down, possibly her.

Premiership Ups and Downs

2008-02-25T11:18:00.008Z

Going Up

Man Utd

They can smell blood, only 3 points behind the leaders now, and bare in mind that before the game against the shambolic Newcastle they could have potentially been 8 points behind. With Rooney and Ronaldo in scintillating form it will be difficult for any man to back against them, the strength they have in depth at the moment is kinda scary, and even the man of glass got a goal, things must be looking up. The sight of Gallas having a strop will simply just add more fuel to the Man Utd title charge. Well done William.

Spurs, Woodgate and King

Its been a long 9 year wait for Tottenham fans, but now they can celebrate a “major” trophy, the sight of spurs players crying may lead many to chuckle, but fair play to spurs for turning around a simply atrocious season. They are no assured of a European place which was probably a distant thought a few months ago. Woodgate and King are 2 simply superb defenders, its just a shame that they spend more time on the treatment table than they do on the pitch. I genuinely think that next season with Ramos at the helm and some decent mid fielders apart from the awful Zokora then spurs will have a chance at a top 4 finish.

Liverpool and Torres

After all the pre season discussion about Torres and whether he could hack the premiership, its quite clear now that all the doubters were clearly wrong. After Torres hattrick at the weekend, he now has 15 goals in the league and 21 in all competitions, that is a wonderful return for a debut season, its just a shame the rest of the team are simply not good enough at the moment. Liverpool were very fortunate to collect the 3 points but regardless of how bad Liverpool have performed this season, they are still favourites for that last champions league spot, and we all know what Rafa can do in the champions league, he is simply the master of the big occasion. Could this season actually be turned around? maybe.

Theo Walcott

Although his 2 goals were overshadowed by all the events against Birmingham, he took his chances well. They were his only 2 goals in the premier league this season, which isn't a great return. Fortunately for Theo he wont have to endure another hype fest because I don’t think anyone actually noticed or cared that he had scored by the end of the game.

Roy Keane

His comment about the Sunderland players being overawed by the “superstars” at Portsmouth and hunting them down for autographs was simply hilarious, it wasn’t like they were playing Man Utd or Chelsea was it.

Going Down

Arsenal football Club

Edurado's injury was an absolute shocker and we all hope that he recovers as soon as possible, I don’t think there was intent or malice in the challenge and it was clearly an unfortunate accident. I was actually wondering if Eduardo was killed serving in Afghanistan, the outpouring of grief has been over the top, will there be a minutes silence in the next match? did anyone see those guys holding up an Eduardo shirt at the end of the match? Lets get some perspective here please.

But it was the reaction of Arsene Wenger which was was simply disgraceful, calling for a player to get a life ban because of a bad tackle is simply ludicrous, look at this tackle by henry below, clearly a more intentful tackle than Taylor's but luckily he didn’t break any legs, but should he be banned for life for it?

I bet Wenger probably didn’t see it. His myopic views and hypocrisy show no bounds, how many times has condemned the petulant and human annoyance that is Eboue? Was it ok for Gallas to kick Nani off the ball? Does he condone infighting from his young stars? Can a man complain when he has created the biggest bunch of diving cheats the premier league has seen? I could list them all for you but I wont, because I think we are all aware of who they may be. Arsenal had all of the play and were unlucky to drop points, but in reality the game should have been wrapped up well before the injury time penalty. Why didn’t Adebayor pass to Bendtner, when he was clearly open? I think we all know why. Wenger needs to take a long look at himself and keep his mouth shut from now on, but i don't think he will.

EDIT

The amazing and intelligent arsenal fans have also started a petition to get Taylor banned for life, words really do fail me.

http://www.petitiononline.com/mataylor/petition.html

Gallas

The man needs a separate paragraph for his totally hilarious tantrum, what the hell was he thinking? Fair enough you are upset and want to cry, but why not save it for the dressing room? Don’t you realise that Ferguson and co will be watching? It will only give them more confidence seeing their rivals look like they are crumbling. Quite possibly the worst excuse of captaincy I have seen in my lifetime. Grow some balls or change your nappy.

Avram Grant

Clearly a big match bottler, his team selection look inventive at first, but was ultimately just plain wrong. Why put Lampard in, when Ballack was playing so well? Why put Anelka on the wing where he is clearly ineffective? He was totally outfought and out thought by Ramos.

Juande Ramos

Im sorry but his English was just plain poor, does anyone else know what he was saying apart from being velly velly happy?

Newcastle

They are now in serious danger of going down, they are the laughing stock of the premiership. I predicted that bringing King Kev back with this awful squad was a total recipe for disaster, and i'm sure there are a lot of us who would love to see them relegated as a punishment for their stupidity. Any team that concedes 11 goals in 2 games to any other side in the premiership needs to take a serious look at themselves, I doubt even Derby have suffered like that this season.

Michael Owen

No he is not back, he is finished, he is shite, and im not buying the “he doesn’t get the service” excuse, no point getting service if you simply cannot run anymore. Awful, even more hilarious because we all saw what happened when he arrived, it was like a cup parade, there were screams of champions league football and top 4 positions. hopefully now the Newcastle fans will finally shut up, although i doubt it, so expect another outpouring of delusion when they sign another over the hill overrated ex superstar.

Carton Cole

Some of the worst finishing I have seen from a striker in the modern era, well dome son.

Dean Ashton

If Carlton Cole is keeping you out of the team, then you have some real problems, what the hell happened to England's great big hope? Now hes just big.

Champions League Questions....

2008-02-21T11:12:00.009Z

Why couldnt Rafa motivate his team for Barnsley as well as he did for Inter?

Is C. Ronaldo the biggest of all the big game bottlers or can he blame the lasers?

Why was Arsenal's most loyal player kissing the Barcelona badge?

And why did he give the silencer after he scored his goal?

Will Adebeyor rue the day he missed the easiest header of all time?

Is Eduardo still the best finisher in the world?

Why have Man Utd got so much undeserved luck in world football?

Has anyone else noticed that Tevez looks like the incredible hulk, Juninho looks like Adam Goldberg from Entourage and Materazzi looks like John Turtorro?

Is Aiden McGeady actually that good or just another overhyped youngster?

Is Pato actually the second coming of Christ or just another overhyped teenager?

Is Benzema basically now a Man Utd player?

Is there a worse away destination than Turkey?

Did Avram completely bottle his team selection, and maybe thats why he got death threats?

Who wants to kill Avram? Mourinho?

Are Liverpool and Milan Devaluing football by concentrating on the Champions League?

Will we actually see an all English final or will Arsenal, Chelsea and Man Utd bottle it again?

Is Messi now the best player in the world?

Can Kuyt now be forgiven for all his awfulness throughout the season?

When will Rooney learn to finish chances? He's messing up my dream team.

Why was Shevchenko hitching a ride in the Milan team bus?

Did anyone else think Shevchenko was dead?

Will Rafa winning the CL save his job or just paper over the cracks?

Can you find me a more detestable human being than Eboue?

Answers on a postcard...

FA Cup Ups & Downs...

2008-02-18T21:15:00.013Z

Well after nearly losing faith in football this weekend's action has helped bring me back from the doldrums. Here are the latest ups and downs....

Going Up

Barnsley

Although Liverpool are a shambles at the moment you can't deny the achievement of coming from behind at Anfield to knock out Premiership opposition. After being denied a stone wall penalty in front of the Kop, Brian Howard promptly got off his backside, bundled his way past Alonso and slotted home to send the Barnsley fans into raptures. I am pretty sure that there were fans crying in the ground and who can blame them. Alonso was clearly brewing at the final whistle as Howard had to bully him into swapping shirts as the Spaniard realised that it was the guy who merked him who wanted his jersey. It was also a journalist's dream as the inevitable "Howard's Way" and "Howard's End" headines surfaced.

There was a touch of fate about it as Barnsley fielded an online goalie making his debut who had the game of his life to keep the score to 1-0 and 1-1 respectively.

Showboating

People can say what the fuck they like but I personally thought that Nani's showboating was brilliant against Arsenal. In a game which recently has shown signs of going down the pan, moments of talent and skill should be savoured and not revered. As they say, if you can't stand the heat then get out of the kitchen and Arsenal's reaction to the Portugese player's antics was pretty scandalous. Perhaps if they had put as much effort into the game itself then they may have actually got something out of it. More of the same please.

Hasselbaink

The fat Eddie Murphy may be carrying more girth these days but his superb dummy carved open the Wolves defence to rip home a scorcher from the edge of the area

West Brom

Goals galore from the Championship side as they romped home at the Ricoh. A favourable draw has left them strong favourites to visit Wembley for the 2nd time in a year. Let's see if they can live up to the hype eh?

Set pieces

Hilarious play from Sheffield United which shows that players actually do something in training. Unfortunately for Beattie, he was only able to hit the post.

Fat Frank

Despite his tally including about 99 deflections, you can't deny that scoring 100 goals for Chelski is some achievement.

Going Down

Liverpool and Rafa Benitez

There are a few laughing stocks in football at the moment, the main suspects being Ashley Cole, Newcastle and Garth Crooks punditry. However, these are generally temporary headline makers. One team which likes being laughed at every week is Liverpool. Whether it be Rafa's bizarre new conferences, the fact that Rafa wants DIC or the Hicks Gillete combo. I think that the only time they havent been laughed at is when they spanked the might Derby at Anfield (seems a long time ago now doesnt it?)

Perhaps Liverpool thought they had turned the corner after Kuyt toe poked home his first goal in a million years but it wasn't to be. Rafa's removal of Babel (their most effective player) proved another bizarre decision, especially as the game was not over and they ultmately paid the price. To be fair, there was some incredible last ditch defending from the Tykes but that is still no excuse. The absence of Torres from the bench was also costly.

People may say that they have a big game against Inter in the week but IMO Rafa made a major boo boo by not playing his strongest side. This FA CUP is wide open and would be a more realistic opportunity to win a trophy but Rafa's obsession with the Champions League has left him red faced. Even if they win the Champs League I think he is a goner and his decision not to replace his departed assistant has left him fighting a solo battle against the critics.

Thankfully Rafa has realised the problems and has told his players "we created chances, now lets focus on the next game". Inspiring words indeed from the fat Spaniard.

Arsenal

Utter shambles from the Gooners as they were outclassed, out fought and outplayed. After getting owned by Berbatov the other week, it was Rooney's turn to screw on William Gallas as his all action display may have him worried for the upcoming friendly.

Eboue was back to his worst with a shocking tackle on Evra and Adebayor also made a twat of himself after a ridiculous dive to try and win a penalty. Traore and Hoyte got a roasting off Nani and Wenger has perhaps learned that his second string XI are not as good as he thought.

Sunil

I just want to add a few things to the going down section, I think Phil Thompson should be there for his reaction on Soccer Saturday after Barnsley scored, absolutely priceless.

Here is the video of Le' Tiss going mental and Tommo having a mare. Just how awesome is Jeff Stelling? The hype in this video is just ridiculous.

Also the so called best midfielder in the premiership Fabregas who was totally invisible against Man Utd and hasn't been at the races for a long time now, I have said it before and ill say it again, I think he is a half season player. Have a few gifs for added ownage, all in all I think you will say Arsenal were a disgrace.

Also why does Fletcher only play well against the big teams and how good can Anderson really turn out to be?

There's Only One Ronaldo....

2008-02-17T22:01:00.007Z

Everyone had a player that truly drew them towards football, someone who was so magical and exciting that you truly thought you were experiencing something sexual in a footballing context. I know that sounds slightly dramatic but for me and for many other people around the world that man was Ronaldo Luis Nazário de Lima also known as El Fenómeno. I warn you this article is a somewhat homoerotic tribute to a player that I consider the most talented of all time.

Back in my days there was no Youtube or video downloading like we have in abundance now, so you had to absorb the hype from what you read in the newspapers and any games you could catch on TV, if you were lucky enough to have Sky. I remember first seeing Ronaldo at the 1994 world cup when he was 17 year old, quietly sitting on the bench with no one knowing who he was, but at that time it was simply impossible for a teenager to outshine the genius of Romario and Bebeto. The commentator said Brazil had a wonderkid, a player who could potentially rival the likes of Pele and Maradonna as the greatest talent the game has ever seen, what a way to put some early pressure on a youngster.

Fast forward 2 years, and I was watching the Olympics in 1996 and I watched an absolutely sublime 19 year old simply destroy the opposition, scoring every type of goal imaginable, the young Brazilians eventually fell to a superb Nigerian team led by Kanu and Okocha(god knows how old they really were back then, 30?), but Ronaldo stood out as a player with more potential then any other player I had seen in my lifetime, something similar to when you watched the first Harry Potter movie and saw a young Emma Watson, you knew that a few years down the line she would develop into something we can all lust over. Is that wrong? Maybe, but i don't really care.

At PSV, Ronaldo scored 55 goals in 57 appearances but it was at Barcelona where Ronaldo was at his best, scoring and incredible 47 goals in 49 games and is the last person to score over 30 goals in La Liga, you don't get stats much better than that, unless you're measuring Halle Berry from top to bottom. Ronaldo was only at Barca for one season but in that season we witnessed the greatest exhibition of footballing talent you will probably ever see, and what makes it even more remarkable was the fact at that he was 20 years old. I sometimes chuckle when I see commentators wanking over a lucky Cristiano freekick, Wayne Rooney's excessive aggression or a Messi slalom run, yes they are all great talents but if you want the blueprint of the ultimate wonderkid rewind back to 90s and look at what Ronaldo was doing, he was producing magic that even the worlds greatest players of that time could only dream of.

One of Ronaldo’s lowest moments was in the 1998 world cup final, but you tell me what would happen if a 21 year old player with more hype than a J.lo Sex tape, had an epileptic fit before the biggest match of his life, it doesn't matter how good you are or how big your balls are, you are destined to fail. Ronaldo then moved onto Inter scoring 49 in 69 league goals, and his performance in the UEFA cup final against Lazio was so good that Mancini had to warn him that anymore showboating would lead to a broken leg, to which he adhered to and then ran trough on goal and calmly rounded the goalkeeper in the coolest fashion you can imagine. Just check out the video below.

Who knows what heights Ronaldo could have reached if he didn't suffer those 2 knee injuries whilst at inter, maybe he would be considered the greatest player of all time. Many people blame muscle building drugs for his knee problems, but we will probably never know the whole truth. After more than 2 years out of the game, Ronaldo proved why he is simply a big game player by returning at the 2002 world cup and scoring 8 goals and most notably 2 in the final, and then he moved into Real Madrid scoring over a 100 goals for them, and most notably a superb hattrick at Old Trafford in the champions league.

Its kinda sad that football has changed so much that many people are not aware of this man's talents and what he has done for football, you search for Ronaldo in Google and it asks if you were talking about Cristiano. Ronaldo's weight problems will mean the youngsters and misinformed will never know what kind of player he was, watching him at the 2006 world cup was kinda embarrassing, but even a Fat Ronaldo is better than most, and he still scored 3 goals to become the world cup greatest ever goalscorer, not even i could begrudge him this after his stepover snatched the record against my beloved Ghana. Many people will cite Zidane as the best player of this generation, but for me Ronaldo was a different animal, the only player in our lifetime who was truly unplayable, the man who along with Garrincha invented all the tricks that we see the likes of Ronaldinho and Robinho doing week in week out, and the only player who truly had every attribute that a footballer should have, incredible speed, power, pace, skill and vision, if a machine could make the perfect footballer Ronaldo would come out. Ronaldo is your favourite striker's favourite striker and even Batistuta said that Ronaldo is football. Lets hope we get to see this man on the biggest stage again, if not then thanks for the memories. It's all good, we have Youtube to remember you by.

Football Is Sh*t

2008-02-13T20:29:00.005Z

I know what you are thinking. What an absurd headline for a blog which is trying to get people to read about the beautiful game. But I am going to be honest and say something which I thought would never say, and that I am losing interest in football. There are a number of reasons for this and I will try and run through these as best as possible, although they are in no particular order

1) Garth Crooks - I don't think I need to add anything to that one

2) Empty stadiums and small clubs - It frustrates me watching Premiership matches involving the likes of Wigan, Fulham and Portsmouth. These are teams not steeped in great football tradition and who are only where they are because of huge overseas investment. Their stadiums are shit, they can barely fill their ground and let's be honest would anybody really care if they got relegated? Let's get the bigger teams such as Leicester, Nottingham Forest and Leeds back in the Premiership, at least you would see some full houses and a bit of passionate support

3) Entertainment - I had to watch Leicester vs Plymouth the other day and nearly committed suicide. The so called entertainment nearly pushed me to jumping out the window. Watching the lower leagues has really made me realise the dire state of football in this country. No touch, no technique, just teams made of strong runners who can hoof the ball 50 yards. I am sick of managers saying "we worked hard". Thats the least I would fooking expect of people getting paid such stupid amounts of money. I am sure things werent this bad a few years ago and play off games such as Charlton 4 4 Sunderland seem a long long way now. Many people say that the Championship is so exciting cos the teams are so closely matched an nobody is running away with it. I prefer to look at it from the point of view that they are all equally as shit as each other.

Things in the Premiership are no better to be hones these days, as more teams are concerned with not losing than trying to win at all costs.

4) "Footballers" - I put this in inverted commas to highlight players such as Alan Smith and Dirk Kuyt. These are players who have no place on a football pitch and should be in crufts posing as a Golden Retriever or appearing on "One Man and his Dog - the relaunch". All they can do is run around yet they are getting paid £30-40k to do so. Would it really make a difference if I was playing up front? I mean , I couldn't possibly get any less goals could I?

5) Atmosphere at grounds - This is shite these days lets be honest, hardcore fans have been priced out the game to be replaced by the Prawn Sandwich brigade, matches are more of a big entertainment spectacle and the more family orientated idea has taken the sting out of things. Swearing and standing up is now met with bemusement rather than a wry smile and many grounds resemble a morgue.

6) Sky hype - The hype on Sky used to be funny but now its just annoying and there is no doubt that its kick off times are pissing many people off and destroying the tradition of the 3pm kick offs. I barely even watch Match of the Day anymore because the best games will be on Sunday and I don't want to stay in on Saturday night watching extended highlights of Fulham Vs Bolton in front of 5,000 fans and listening to Alan Shearer talk complete and utter crap

7) Boring cup competitions - No one gives a shit about the FA Cup anymore, the UEFA cup is a shambles and the Champions League is not even full of just Champions. All it does it stretch the gap between the big 4 and the rest of the league and hit fans in the pockets

8) Even Soccer AM has lost its razzmatazz these days

Can someone please tell me that I am wrong......

Sunil

Carry On Adebayor.......

2008-02-13T13:53:00.001Z

Hilarious

Randoms questions from a disillusioned man....

2008-02-12T20:23:00.000Z

I'm slightly disillusioned with the beautiful game at the moment, but here are some questions I have that need answers, anyone willing to help?

Are Arsenal actually going to make every sane persons nightmare come true and win the premiership or will they throw it away and spare us from another 30 years of gloating? Remember that unbeaten season?

Is Adebayor the best around at the moment or is he just having another Kevin Phillips-esque good season and be found out next season?

Is Eduardo still the world’s greatest finisher ever, even though he has one foot and has only scored 4 premiership goals this season?

Do Liverpool really want DIC and was Rafa’s response to the news of the world the funniest interview ever? Should he be afraid of a bit of DIC?

Is Cheryl Tweedy now regretting the day she rejected me?

Was the Chelsea Liverpool game the most boring exhibition of anything, since your mum forced you to sit and watch songs of praise all those years ago?

When will Crisitano Ronaldo realise that to hold onto the title of world’s best player you need to perform in the big games too, just look at Thierry Henry?

How did Egypt win the African nations again with some brilliant albeit completely unknown players?

Is Manucho seriously the new world’s greatest striker ever, if not then how long before Man United fans start telling us that he is?

When will the English public realise that its going to take a hell of a lot more than just a good manager, with his draconian rule to turn England into a world footballing power? It needs a complete change or philosophy, something that Capello can’t do in 5 years.

Why did Ferguson bottle it after the Man City game and not come out to congratulate the City fans on impeccably observing the minute’s silence?

What will Joey Barton have to do to be permanently removed from public circulation? Rape or murder on a football pitch?

Is Avram Grant the biggest big game bottler manager around right now?

How funny would it be to see a side like Fulham travel to China for a relegation decider, and get sent down in front of a billion screaming fans who haven’t got a clue what’s going on?

Why wasn’t I consulted about this 39^th game?

Is there really anyone stupid enough to believe that Liverpool fans have pledged 60 million pounds towards their takeover?

Now that spurs are no longer the laughing stock of the premiership, will they crack the top 4 next season?

Is the situation at Newcastle the most predictable thing in the world ever and who will be sad if that joke of an establishment gets relegated to the championship? Deluded clowns.

Answers on a post card please.

Vote for Us, Vote for Us...

2008-02-08T12:21:00.000Z

At Soccerlens they are holding the annual blog awards and thanks to our hard work we have been nominated for the prestigious award of "Best Blog You've Never Heard Of", forget the Oscars of the Grammys, this is what its all about, so please take time out of your busy schedules and vote for us at the link below.

http://soccerlens.com/the-best-blog-youve-never-heard-of-soccerlens-2007-awards/5636/

Thanks

Capello's New Regime

2008-02-05T13:30:00.000Z

Only a few minutes into Capello's reign as England manager and I think we are now all fully aware that he is 10 times the manager McClown was and ever will be, although I will miss the ginger joker, as he was always a source of good material and news. Oh well, he did try and offer Capello some advice which I thought was quite strange, telling him to pick Terry as captain to get the best out of him. Would you listen to contraceptive advice from an AIDS victim?

Anyway, Capello has proceeded to lay down the law to the England squad straight off the bat, Beckham was dropped, although I thought the decision was harsh its easy to understand why a player who thinks kicking a ball in Africa, Sao Paulo and the Arsenal training ground makes him match fit surely isn't worthy of a place in the squad ahead of players who have been playing regularly. Becks will have his 100th cap, but not just yet, he does deserve it though. Michael Owen has been annoying me incesantly this season, after putting in simply turd performances for the whole of the season, with each goal he has scored for Newcastle worth apporximately soemwhere in the region of 1.8million he then proceeds to open his mouth and say he ready for England and is back to his best, what the hell is this man smoking? One goal against Boro does not make you a goal machine.

Greeting the players with a noticeboard which had the following information for them.

Lateness will not be tolerated, room service is banned and mobiles can only be used in bedrooms.

Ashley Cole wont be too upset then.

Players must eat together in smart dress and must wear team blazers when in public and at matches.

This could be a bit of a problem when Lampard returns to the team, I think we are all aware of his excessive eating.

Players will be called by their surnames.

Sounds like something out of a school dormitory.

No WAGS, relatives or agents are allowed to visit.

Rio should be pleased then, means that he will be allowed to organise one of his legendary "roast parties"

Switzerland will be no pushover, lets see if tomorrows headlines will be "Crap-pello" or "Just Fab-ulous". I will be there watching from the stands to see how it all unfolds.

Window of Opportunity?

2008-01-30T21:51:00.000Z

So 31 January 2008 is nigh and so nears the end a month of frenzied transfer activity. I for one have not been the biggest fan of the transfer window ever since its inception and I think that its introduction has only gone to strengthen the biggest teams in the country at the expense of those with less stature.

The likes of Manchester United and Chelsea are able to spend heavily in the summer, building up their squads, knowing that their any major injuries or suspensions will be catered for and their will be no need to take any emergency action.

However, teams such as Bolton and Reading cannot compete in terms of spending power and so are unable to carry such huge squads on the off chance that they undergo such a crisis, which can prove extremely costly. An excellent example of this occurred a couple of years ago when Watford’s top striker, Marlon King, was injured a couple of games into the Premiership season and after the summer window had shut. As a result, Watford were unable to sign anyone to replace him and the rest is history, as they were relegated without a whimper.

Fans are deprived of months of transfer gossip and the palpable buzz that arrives when you are on the verge of a signing which could potentially change your team’s fortunes. Meanwhile, the media are forced to scratch around for other news to fill their column inches.

Transfer restrictions may also increase the chance of the “tapping up” of players, an issue that was brought to light during the Ashley Cole saga a couple of years ago.

The window is also impractical when players fall out of favour with the club they are contracted to. Footballers may not be playing but are not able to move on for many months and are so getting paid wages for effectively doing nothing, something which hits all clubs in the pockets, including the fans.

Clubs who fall into financial difficulty may also have their hands tied. A common solution would be to sell their most valuable assets for a quick cash injection, but now this cannot happen. In some extreme cases, clubs may not field their best players in case they get injured before the transfer window, thus damaging the team’s chances of pulling through the financial crisis. This will only serve to punish the team on the pitch and the supporters who pay to watch them.

Could you imagine if you only had one month to get rid of your current girlfriend and find another one? Or if you decided to leave your job but were told that you could only do so after another six months? You would be irrative, your motivation would dip and you wouldn’t be at your most productive. And also consider if you had only one month to find the job you really want. It would hardly be ideal to say the least.

Window of opportunity? I don’t think so.

Sunil

Keegan Appoints Wise...Photocall

2008-01-29T12:53:00.000Z

Despite rumours to the contrary, Keegan was today photographed welcoming Dennis Wise. As you can see below it looks like a match made in heaven

Sunil

Cult Heroes......Tino Asprilla

2008-01-28T21:37:00.000Z

The recent return of Kevin Keegan has brought back lots of memories for those of us old enough to remember his last stint with the Toon Army. For some it’s the crazy outbursts, or the loss of a big lead in the league. At a time when my own team, Arsenal, was falling to new lows at the end of the Graham era, it was all an interesting distraction. However, for me the enduring memory is of the footballing wizard that was Faustino (Tino) Asprilla (that’s Aspriya, no Asprilia!).

Now I’ll admit that I have an ulterior motive for this, and that is because I’m a Colombian, and to us Colombians, having Asprilla play in the premiership was a moment of great pride. Never before had one of our countrymen pulled on the shirt of a major English team.

Of course Tino came with a reputation already, considering he had played for Parma (where he is said to have declared he was a builder to get a visa), back when they were a decent team. He was also a member of the infamous USA 94 national team, which failed miserably after being given the ultimate jinx, being Pele’s dark horses. Amid rumours of drug cartels and betting rings disrupting the dressing room and a dismal defeat to the USA, (I sat in my parents’ bedroom at 2am watching that match and it was truly heartbreaking). It was said that Tino was one of many players who threatened to walk out before the game, and eventually did afterwards.

But to us Colombians he would remain a hero despite that because he also gave us the immense pleasure of being instrumental in a 5-0 demolishing of Argentina in their own backyard, something that we would never have dreamed of. In those days, we didn’t have much access to South American football, and still don’t really, so there were copies of the match on VHS that did the rounds amongst family so we could all see for ourselves.

I remember when the news broke that Tino was to sign for the Toon, and seeing the pictures of him in the car park, in the middle of a blizzard. Looking back, it epitomised the culture clash between English football and the wider net being cast to bring in talent from abroad. How they laughed at the foreigner bundled up and still looking frozen to the bone. But that all changed when he made his debut at Middlesborough. He came on as a sub and completely changed the game, and instantly showed himself to be one of the more skilful players in the country. He absolutely terrorised the ‘boro defence, with his seemingly rubber legs going one way and the ball another.

Unfortunately, despite his impressive start, he was part of the team that eventually failed to win the league, and was blamed in some quarters for this. It was felt that he broke up a successful partnership in Beardsley and Ferdinand, and was unnecessary tinkering by Keegan. Like many players who seem to have such amazing skill, he could never really find the consistency to be a regular threat.

Probably his defining moment was the hat-trick he scored in a seminal game that Newcastle won 3-2 against the mighty Barcelona. Tino and Ginola took Barca apart, and as Colombians we shared the Toon Army’s joy. Around that time I lost count of the number of Newcastle tops that I saw around the Colombian community and that game still resonates. Not long ago an uncle of mine used one of his calls from prison to ask me to help him settle a bet regarding the match because someone wouldn’t believe Tino had scored a hat-trick (no prison jokes please!).

Sadly, Tino never quite hit those highs again and it became clear that part of his inconsistency was due to being somewhat nuts and very moody. As an acne ridden teenager, I had the pleasure of meeting him at the Colombian restaurant my parents owned, and he was not in the slightest bit interested in giving any of his time to the bunch of Colombian kids who idolised him.

Around the same time his temper increasingly became a problem and he was sent off for Colombia after getting in a fight with the Paraguayan keeper Chilavert in the middle of a match. The first Colombian to get dismissed for such a crime.

He was eventually shipped off to Brazil and wound down his career at various South American clubs, never coming close to matching his previous highs. Although, infamously, he came very close to signing with lowly Doncaster a few years ago after dealing with their moneybags chairmen, even being paraded before a match. But Tino being Tino, he didn’t turn up for the contract signing and was never heard off again.

There were rumours back home that he spent all his time drinking and indulging in the high life of women and cocaine, and when you’re taken from the slums of Colombia and become a mega-rich footballer, respected throughout the world maybe its not a great surprise. Something of course that we see now, with youngsters making much more money than they could ever have dreamed of. Tino eventually did time for running amok in Colombia waving his gun in the air in a wild frenzy, although thankfully the nutter didn’t shoot anyone! He also raised eyebrows when he posed nude for the cover of a magazine.

Anyway, cheers for sharing my journey back in time, and to the crazy owner of Newcastle for re-hiring Keegan and prompting this. Tino, you were a great, but also clearly mad as a hatter, and we salute you for it!

Luis Hernandez

You're Not Singing Anymore

2008-01-24T22:31:00.000Z

Having carefully observed numerous Premiership and Championship games in recent weeks, it’s clear that the general consensus is that the atmosphere at grounds is gradually diminishing. This is a topic that has been brought sharply into focus after Alex Ferguson accused a crowd of nearly 75,000 fans of producing a ‘funeral-like’ atmosphere as his side beat lowly Birmingham 1-0 at Old Trafford.

I believe that the thrill and excitement of match days has been on the wane for some time and is a trend which is becoming increasingly difficult to reverse.

After the Hillsborough tragedy, the advent of all-seater stadiums was a necessity for crowd safety but this has come at a price. As much as the brand new all-seater stadiums look fantastic and have huge capacities, there is no doubt that they can help create a vacuum-like atmosphere and they can struggle to keep any meaningful noise within their confines. Those who have visited the new Wembley will testify to this.

However, I believe that the main contributing factor has been the rapid rise of footballers’ wages allied to the television boom. When football was first born, it was a game for the “man on the street”. Fans would go to a game to spend their hard earned wages to watch people who were probably getting paid just as much money as them but had a talent and flair for football. The archetypal spectator could relate to these players, they would give them their full backing and would have their mutual respect.

However, fast forward to the modern day and times have changed considerably. Ticket prices are spiralling upwards and many top players earn more money in one week then many spectators earn in two to three years. Fans simply cannot relate to this. Now, when they attend a match, they expect entertainment, perfection and justification for the huge sums that these players are earning. This can lead to fans being anxious, critical and hoping that going to watch their team wasn’t a complete waste of time and money.

The television explosion has also meant that a full compliment of 3pm fixtures rarely occurs. Awkward kick off times has resulted in fans refusing to travel to games and instead choosing to follow their team in the comfort of their own living room.

The perceived lack of loyalty shown by players has also been a contributory factor. A fine example would be Portsmouth’s recent acquisition Lassana Diarra, who on signing for the South Coast side, admitted that if a bigger side were to come calling he would be on his way in rapid time. That’s a bit like saying to your new girlfriend that you will stay with her for now but if Jessica Alba came knocking at your door, you would be gone in a flash. It’s not the sort of thing you would say to garner any sort of support or rapport is it?

Unfortunately, this current trend looks set to continue in the beautiful game.

Sunil

The Return Of The Brazillians From Africa....

2008-01-23T23:31:00.001Z

Readers of my previous blog dedicated to the 2006 World Cup will be well aware of my African heritage. This week the African Cup of Nations kicked off in my country of origin Ghana, with the Black Stars going up against the world power of Guinea in the showpiece opener. They call Ghana the Brazil Of Africa, and for good reason, yes they may have Junior Agogo of Nottingham Forest and Arsenal failure Quincy, but when they all step on that pitch it is a sight to behold, with a passing game only rivalled by the ever so annoying Gooners(yes I am clearly over hyping them, but aren’t we all guilty of getting a bit too excited).

If you have ever travelled to a country Africa, you will know all about the special saying “This is Africa”. It’s a saying used to describe all the comedy things that happen in Africa, which could only happen in Africa, astonishing things that happen, that you accept as common behaviour. When the tournament kicked off it was quite clear that we would be hearing that saying a lot of times. I said to myself “Please don’t embarrass yourself Ghana, the world is watching”, but from the moment the whistle blew in the opening match I was already hanging my head in shame.

The pitch for the “showpiece” was an absolute disgrace, as if they told the grounds men to make sure the ball cant roll more than 2 metres, with the grass so long you could only see half the ball and none of the players boots, I bet the sponsors were outraged. The match more than made up for the debacle, with the Black stars kicking off with a superb win over Guinea thanks to an absolute roaster from Sulley Muntari which he claimed was a goal which healed sickness. It takes a team with supreme skill and heart to play slick 1 touch football when knee deep in grass.

The Nigerians our bitter rivals lost out to the tournament favourites the Ivory Coast thanks to surprisingly skillful goal from the often erratic Solomom Kalou, to be honest I will put this goal down to good fortune rather than anything, with the Nigerian defence spreading quicker than the legs of a Dutch prostitute, I seriously wonder what the real average age of the Super eagles actually is? Kanu is now 52, Martins is 36 and Yakubu is nearer 35 than 25. Despite the lights failing during the national anthems, Kanoute was still able to put Mali into a good position scoring the only goal in a 1-0 win over Benin. The Champions Egypt punished Cameroon 4-2, with a sublime display of attacking football and the Angolans were held to a draw by the South Africans after a brilliant goal from New Man Utd star Manucho. How long before Man U fans tell us he is the second coming and future world player of the year? All in all it’s been an exciting start to the tournament on the pitch, regardless of the teething problems off it.

Now on to the television coverage, beware of every cliché in the book from so called “knowledgeable” such as “typical naive African defending”, “look at that robust midfield”, “The goalkeepers are so eccentric”, “look at that power, pace, power, pace, strength” and lets not forget ”the north Africans play a European style of football”. Sometimes I wonder why the commentators don’t comment on the size of the African players’ penises, might as well throw in as many urban myths(or truths) as you possible can. Also be sure to avoid the BBC’s coverage at all costs, they have done some simple maths to decide which pundits to give their “expert” analysis. I think it something like this, Africa + Football + Black people = Garth Crooks, who knows absolutely nothing about the African game or football in general, but he’s clearly the most qualified for the job(sigh). Switch over the Eurosport to watch Stan “Overweight” Collymore providing a very informative assessment of what’s really going on and what players to watch out for, I have been pleasantly surprised.

Regardless of the terrible pitches, awful commentary clichés, insane goalkeeping and terrible punditry, this years African nations will be the best ever in my book, yes I may be biased, but never has their been so many high profile African players represented in the biggest and best leagues in the world, so if you want to watch free flowing, attacking and often dangerous and amusing football, forget the Emirates, just switch over to Eurosport, you wont be disappointed.

Kevin Nolan Loves You

2008-01-22T22:31:00.000Z

Perhaps I am bit naive here, but I for one have actually had no idea what Kevin Nolan's goal celebration was about until it was very recently brought to my attention. I originally thought that it was some sort of homage to metal rockers but it actually turns out that the hand gesture means "I love you" in sign language. Who or what exactly he loves, I have no idea, but I am pretty sure that its not playing football for Bolton that gets his juices flowing. So there you go, an extra bit of useless information for you next time you go to a pub quiz.

Sunil

Premiership Ups & Downs...

2008-01-21T22:32:00.001Z

Going UpJoleon Lescott

He may look like a Klingon who was involved in a nasty car accident but the defender has been in outstanding form this season and continued his fine scoring form to help Everton put the pressure on Liverpool for that coveted fourth spot.

Joe Hart

Get this kid in the England squad. Now. Another great display from the former Shrewsbury shot stopper to help secure a lucky point for Manchester City.

Touchline Antics

Alex Ferguson's "fist of fury" was one of the highlights of the weekend after his United side finally overcame Reading at the Madejksi. I am not enturely sure who this signal was aimed but hopefully it wasn't at the family enclosure or else he may be in a bit of trouble with the FA.

Not to be outdone, Mark Hughes and Gareth Southgate almost came to blows at Ewood Park after Hughes cheekily threw the ball at a prone Jeremie Aliadiere. The former players were nose to nose at one point(due to Southgates enormous hooter). However, Sparky was scared to death after looking at Southgate's ugly mug and thankfully saw the light and stepped away from the scene.

Good to see things are back on the up after the departure of the Special One. I don't think that Avram will be getting involved in any of these misdemeanours though, do you?

Robbie Keane

Despite having possibly the worst celebration in football, credit to the Irishman for notching his 100th goal for Tottenham Hotspur. If he carries on at this rate, the mid-table beckons. Still laughable how Spurs were touted as Champions League Challengers at the beginning of the season really.

Benjani

Another guy with a terrible celebration but a great hat-trick never-the-less. He looks slightly like the Candyman and Derby will be having nightmares about this season full stop.

Adebayor

This guy is carrying the Arsenal front line at the moment. Although anyone could score against Fulham you can only beat whats in front of you.

Going Down

Newcastle United

After the Kevin Keegan hype machine reached match day most Geordie fans probably wished they had stayed at home after this shocking goal-less drawer against the Trotters. The irony is, if Big Sam had got this result, there probably would have been a pitch invasion, but because Keegan is in charge, the Geordie fans were still doing cartwheels after the game. Tossers

Titus Bramble

Titus may have been dreaming of an England call up after his scorcher against Liverpool but any such hopes were dashed after his howler helped tee up Andy Johnson to set Everton on the way to victory. Maybe there was a bit too much love there with the whole A-team thing going on as Bramble merked himself on a dogs dinner of a pitch at the JJB.

The guys on MOTD felt so bad for Bramble that they concocted a video showing how Titus actually did some half decent defending during the game. I nearly puked at the sentimental montage. Back to the drawing board for On the Bench's favourite figure of fun.

Fulham

With only 2 relegation spots to fill, Fulham are making a strong claim to go down. They have less up top than Keira Knightley and have a defence like a sieve. In other words, they have Delhi Belly, problems at both ends. I personally wouldnt give a monkeys if they go down, they are only up there cos of the money and their space could easily be filled by a proper team(not sure what that actually means but you get the logic)

Liverpool

I am pretty sure that Kofi will be close to tears right now so I will keep this brief. I didn't watch the game but when you get merked by Marlon Harewood, one of the worst strikers in the Premiership merely two weeks after getting ripped by Titus Bramble, then you know you are in trouble.

Rafa Benitez used all his tactical nous to leave matchwinners Babel and Crouch on the bench and instead persisted with Kewell and Kuyt. Rafa only decided to bring on the two subs until relatively late in the game and managed to rescue a point for his beleagured side who are now a massive 14 points off the top of the league. Only Newcastle have saved Liverpool from being the biggest laughing stock in British football right now (that wasn't that brief after all was it)

Sunil

The King Is Back.........

2008-01-21T11:21:00.000Z

Many man many years ago I was a young man who thought he had found love, her name was Lisa. She showed me so many great times, taught me so many great things and made me see women in a different light. It was one of the best times of my life and everything seemed to go right, until eventually we just drifted apart. She brought me so close to love, but ultimately it just didn’t work out. A couple of weeks ago she rang me again, and we met up for a drink. Unfortunately she wasn’t what I expected; she wasn’t as pretty as I remembered, not as sexy and ultimately not as fun. I had got better looking and more ambitious and as the evening drew on, the memory of her beauty had quickly faded. I wish I had never met up with her, now my memories are ruined. They always said never go back, and it was an experience which fully endorsed that attitude.

Why am I babbling on about past loves you might ask? Well, a couple of weeks ago a good friend of mine mentioned Kevin Keegan returning to Newcastle, I immediately scoffed at the idea. It would be as farcical as Roy Evans being seen at Melwood or Souness being given another managerial position. Rumours then circled claiming it would be a “Dream Team”(I use the words dream and team hesitantly) of Keegan and Shearer, surely lunacy for a club with aspirations of being a top 6 side? Well, Newcastle are never ones to disappoint and in timely fashion Kevin Keegan was announced as the manager of Newcastle United. I’ts simply a crazy appointment, which could either be a masterstroke or a complete and utter circus act. Keegan has not watched football for 3 years, how is that even possible? Surely even he must have rejoiced in seeing McClaren’s circus act outshine any of his past failings as England manager? But what can you honestly expect from a club who signed the perennially injured Michael Owen for 17 million pounds and filled half a stadium to welcome him, as if he were some second coming of Christ, who would guarantee the premiership title. Some may call it passion; I just like to label it as pure stupidity.

Keegan is a bottler, a man who has a history of crumbling like a wet digestive when any pressure is applied. He threw away a 12 point lead to Manchester United during his first spell in charge at Newcastle in that classic premiership season and almost won the title, but unfortunately he was undone by some classic Fergie mind games which cost him dear and he never recovered from this. Who can forget the classic “I would love it” rant that served as an utterly embarrassing outburst which still haunts him to this very day. I bet Fergie still has a right old chuckle in his slippers when replaying this moment on youtube. The premiership is a completely different animal these days. If you go in unprotected too many times you will ultimately get burnt, its something that applies to our sex lives and also to football. That all out attacking type of play won’t cut it anymore, and if King Kev thinks it will, expect Newcastle to continue to get hammered by 4 or 5 by the top sides. Keegan will need to sort out the defence because the stench of Titus Bramble still lingers in the air of St James Park.

Keegan’s relationship with some of his current players is also a bit frosty. Michael Owen claimed in his book that Keegan scarred his career and was responsible for one of the darkest times of his life. That’s not exactly a great way to start a new relationship. Keegan has attempted to rectify this by misplacing his balls and making Owen captain against Bolton, great way to massage his ego Kev, but there really is no point having a captain who will miss half the season through injury and then hand in a transfer request because he secretly has wet dreams of playing for a top 4 side, but I’m guessing anything is better than the incredulous Alan Smith. The Bolton match was an exhibition of total and utter dross but was inevitably overshadowed by the return of the man who rejuvenated the Geordies in the 90s. Did I really expect excitement from 2 teams that Big Sam built?

Mike Ashely is a shrewd business man, he knows the fans will not turn on King Kev, where as any other appointment would not please the fans. Yes, the King may be back, but I’m sorry the mediocrity isn’t going anywhere. Unfortunately the myopic fans will see through this because their messiah has returned. Like my memory of Lisa, Newcastle fans may regret seeing their King come back and ruin the memories they once had.

Here is the video of that classic rant.

Roast Watch - Cristiano's Back!

2008-01-17T19:18:00.001Z

Well well well, just when you thought Cristiano had been the only Man Utd player innocent of any wrong doings in the christmas party scandal, he pops up with his own tale of Roastary(yes I just made that word up). Not to be outdone, Cristiano decided to organise a party of his own shortly after accepting his 3rd place finish at the Fifa World Player of the Year awards. Don't worry Cristiano you might have been voted the 3rd best player in the world but you are most certainly the number one roaster right now.

PROSTITUTE loving soccer ace Cristiano Ronaldo has been up to his old tricks again—jetting off for a sleazy orgy with TWO Rome vice girls.

The Manchester United winker looked like Mr Clean when he SKIPPED the team's notorious Christmas party that ended in roasting and rape allegations.

He escaped the huge rollicking and massive £1million fine delivered to the rest of the side by furious boss Alex Ferguson.

But the Portuguese winger made up for lost time when he slipped away to Italy after United's FA Cup victory over Aston Villa on Sunday —and made a beeline for a seedy dive in Rome's red light district.

A source at the strip joint told us: "Ronaldo and a pal arranged for two girls to go to his hotel after leaving the club.

Shock

"They PAID for sex with the girls then SWAPPED over so they could bed BOTH of them."

It's a shock return to form for Ronaldo. Just four months ago he hired five hookers for a sex bash with Portuguese team-mate Nani, 20, and Brazilian colleague Anderson, 19, at his home outside Manchester.

And in 2005 he was falsely accused of rape by a prostitute after having sex in his suite at London's Sanderson Hotel.

Although we don't have photos of Ronaldo's most recent prostitutes, who took part in the previous orgy.

Ronaldo's latest antics are certain to land him in double trouble—first with boss Sir Alex, already livid about his club's reputation being dragged through the mud, and second with his stunning new girlfriend TV presenter Carolina Patrocinio, 20 (pictured right).

Ronaldo's new girlfriend TV presenter Carolina Patrocinio

The star's night of disgrace began with his visit to Rome's notorious Divafutura Channel club. Inside the dimly-lit basement punters are hustled to buy hostesses £120 bottles of champagne as brazen performers-who charge £35 for private lapdances—strip on a podium.

A bottle of lager costs £16— small beer to £100,000-a-week Ronaldo, 22. The star breezed in, ordered bubbly and spent about an hour boozing with a pal before choosing two hostesses to visit him at the nearby five-star Hilton.

Another guest, who saw him arrive back at the hotel, said: "He came in a cab on his own but his pal followed later with two girls.

"One was Spanish-looking, very curvy and with long dark hair. I'd estimate the girls were up there about two hours so they must have had some fun.

"I saw Ronaldo the next day and he had a big grin on his face."

When our investigators visited the Divafutura club they were shown to a table overlooking the stage and two scantily-clad Romanian girls immediately joined them.

A busty girl was midway through a striptease on the platform, ogled by a handful of businessmen. Our man said: "One of the hostesses was a pretty blonde called Nikki in a tiny black pelmet skirt and boob tube.

"The other, called Nicole, wore black fishnet stockings and basque.

"They ordered glasses of champagne at £22 a go and draped themselves over us. They made it clear from the start they were willing to have sex, wrapping legs around us and urging us to touch them."

Nicole whispered: "Do you have a hotel? We can go there and have sex. We can have a party with my friend and your friend. If you want we can swap over. I will charge £200."

She added: "We have lots of famous people who come here. Ronaldo the football player was here a few days ago—but I didn't like him. He was a bit, how you say, stuck-up."

Our reporters declined the girls' offer and left. It's a pity Cristiano didn't do the same.

Keegan Signs Shaun Wright Phillips

2008-01-17T14:35:00.000Z

Details have emerged that the King Kevin has wasted no time in dipping into the transfer market as he has snapped up wee Shaun Wright Phillips from Chelski. More details to follow. The picture below confirms the deal is set to go ahead after the two were spotted in a car park exchanging pleasantries.

One down, One to go! - Ross' Response

2008-01-16T13:05:00.000Z

As we all Liverpool supporters here, we naturally want the best for the team.

Start with the facts, we have not won the premiership since its conception. Are we close, no. if we leave Rafa alone he can build a team. Last season he needed a striker to bury those o so many chances we were creating. The answer to that problem, Torres. The next acquisition for an unstable midfield, mash, another world class player. He knows what he needs for the team, given the backing he has a habit of getting it right recently, before u so say anything, Voronin was free!

Rafa is far from perfect but he needs time, Rome was not built in a day. He has been there 4 yrs resulting in,1 champions league title, another appearance in the final and a few other trophies.

He tinkers too much. Its frustrating as hell, especially when you consider the squad at our disposal. It has a negative effect on the players. But some might say, if you can't stand the heat, get out the kitchen. Torres was rotated like hell when he first turned up, but he turned it around and now he is the first on the team sheet, If you prove Rafa wrong he loves it.

As for the guy who left after 11 yrs, he went for a job without consulting Rafa, big disrespect.

If Rafa went I think you could say goodbye within 1 yr to the whole Spanish contingent, Mash and even Stevie, he wants to win things and at his age he can't wait another3 yrs for another manager to get it right.

The problem lies with the owners. They have no idea how to run a football club and how the media operates, they play straight into their hands. The way the club is financed is a joke.

Who is the alternative: Jose, great personality, but seriously boring football, Guus, he won't leave the Russian mafia. No other big names out there, Lippi, Cuper etc,they just don't cut the mustard. Certainly no other manager from the prem.

It hurts to say this, but look at Arsenal, a club not transformed over night, but over a period of time. From boring 1 nil, to, at times, some of the most exciting football on the planet. All because the manager had a vision and he was backed to the hill.

Lets buck the trend and back our team, god only knows its hard, but when we see Stevie lifting that trophy, my lord, that will be the sweetest feeling ever.

Just have faith

Ross

One down, One to go!

2008-01-15T11:20:00.001Z

Big Sam is gone, Benitez to go! I sat in the living room of 'ranting Isaac' at the start of the season. Before i continue, let me give you the websters definition of the word season: "A period of the year marked by special events or activities in some field". With that in mind, the first day of a football season is a time marked with overwhelming positivity and optimissim by football fans across the land. We are all equal on the start of that day.

With those positive words ringing in my ears, I then uttered to 'ranting Isaac', Kofi, Namdi and anyone else who cared to listen to me: "£10 Benitez will not be manager of Liverpool by the start of next season!"

Those words were met with a scorching glance from 'ranting Isaac', and a dismissive snigger from Kofi. I now truly believe that with all things football, my "football 'pundit' boys" tune out when I pipe up! Those uttered words, has made me a leper!

However...we are in January and the departure of Benitez seems as certain as Britney spears' next beaver outing/public cry for help! It is that certain that i'd be surprised if the bookies are even taking bets on it!

Why so, I hear some of you say? Lets examine some facts: He tinkers far too much and often to the detriment of the team; He has become increasingly single-minded in his approach, which in moderation is good for a manager, however it has started to isolate him from his coaching staff and resulted in the departure of Pako Ayesteran, a severance of an 11 year working relationship!

Don't get me wrong, Benitez has a proven pedigree and there is no doubting his credentials. He lead Valencia to a league and UEFA Cup double, overcoming the likes of Real Madrid and Barcelona in 2003/04 season. It is some achievement especially as it was Valencia's second La Liga title in three years under Benitez.

Conversely though, there is no doubt that Liverpool is working progress and we are not gonna get it right straight away, no matter the manager. But we can all agree that Benitez does not help himself with his decisions.

Benitez has had money, but he has bought badly with it. For a man who loves to rotate, he hasn't invested in a quality squad. Only Reina, Torres, and Alonso can be regarded as quality signings by Rafa. So my opinion is why give him more to throw away?

The Americans haven't helped either, they do not have the deep pockets as the pomp and glamour of their arrival indicated. How embarrassing now that after prematurely going public on our radical stadium plans, they are now struggling to refinance the loan and its spiralling costs and can't even spare the cash to secure Mascherano's services! Either they're tight fisted or the dollar to pound exchange is encroaching their nether regions and without bringing the KY! (I bet they use both sides of the toilet paper as well!)

Benitez is regularly linked with his home town club Real, yet he consistently reaffirms his love of the club and desire to stay. Lets face it Rafa, you want to stay because deep down you know, like in Valencia, you wouldn't have full control in Real Madrid, even though it is his home club. How d'you like those apples!

I expect an apology boys and a re-initiation into our football circle when the inevitable happens.

Your boy Diamond D

Return of the Goal Poacher?

2008-01-14T12:58:00.000Z

The emergence of Eduardo in recent weeks as one the Premiership’s best finishers has left me to consider whether the traditional goal poacher has returned with a vengeance, or whether he is just an example of a dying breed.

There are many examples of the goal poacher over the years. Players such as Gary Lineker, Ian Wright, Tony Cottee, Michael Owen, Alan Shearer, Robbie Fowler and Filipo Inzaghi. These were strikers who would probably sell their arm to get a goal. If the only way they could get a ball over the line was to get an erection and bone it over the whitewash then this is what they would have done. Fans adored them and opposition players hated them. They would capitalise on defensive errors and lapses in concentration and punish the opposition ruthlessly. They would be a bit like those good looking guys who would used to just go out walk up to a girl in a club, look her in the eye and be taking her home in a taxi 5 minutes later. However, things are different these days. When you meet a girl in a club, you have to run game on her, tease her, play with her and put in significant amount of hard work before sealing the deal. Just being good looking isn’t enough.

Anyway, back to the footballers. The one thing that these strikers had in common is that they would largely do sod all else during the game and were often conspicuous by their absence. They would probably let their strike partners do all the hard work and then just come in and take the glory e.g. Emile Heskey was Michael Owen’s bitch at Liverpool (and probably still is).

These types of striker were priceless though and could be relied upon to knock in 20-30 goals a season. However, looking around the game now, it is clear to see that this is a dying art form. Don’t get me wrong, there are still plenty of goal-scorers around but they are a complete different type of breed. They are a more complete footballer, more agile, stronger and capable of scoring more spectacular goals. No longer are footballers just allowed to stand around for 89 minutes and then just bundle in a last minute winner from 6 yards.

Defences are stronger, their concentration levels are better, players are more athletic and more organised and the traditional goal getter is in danger of being as extinct as a dodo. Let’s look at the top strikers in the Premiership. Berbatov, Torres and Drogba. These guys are top athletes, with exceptional technique and strength. They worry defences for a whole game never giving them a minutes rest. They help set up their team-mates as well as all having the ability to slalom past 2-3 men and arc one in the top corner. Could you ever imagine someone like Tony Cottee or Mick Quinn doing this? Of course not, these guys couldn’t even beat an egg, let alone an opposition player.

However, the emergence of Eduardo over recent weeks has given renewed hope that there is still room in the game for the traditional marksman. I have watched a number of Arsenal games in recent weeks and Eduardo’s finishing has been exceptional. He does what all strikers should do, and that’s finish his dinner. However, apart from this in his game he doesn’t have much else in his locker. His hold up play isn’t great, he isn’t the best passer, he doesn’t have a great deal of pace and isn’t particularly strong. But you can always rely on him to stick it in the onion bag when it matters most. In fact, most of his attributes are completely different to that of the guy he replaced, Thierry Henry (who is still struggling to find his va va voom at Barca).

Perennially injured Michael Owen has struggled to regain his goal scoring touch and is finding goals much harder to come by then when he was at Liverpool. Compare him to players such as Berbatov who has Owen’s finishing ability plus other attributes to boot. Strikers at international level are now required to be complete players, and just having the ability to finish is no longer sufficient to make you a feared player on the world stage.

Ruud van Nistelrooy has had to change his game at Madrid to keep up his incredible scoring record. I remember one season at Manchester United where he scored about 40 goals and only one was from outside the 18 yard area. Now though, Ruud boy has added to his game in all areas in an attempt to be a more complete centre forward.

So is the emergence of Eduardo a sign of things to come or is he merely a Prince shaped anomaly on the football landscape? Only time will tell….

Sunil

Isaac's Random Rants....Short Wright-Phillips & Fat Sam

2008-01-09T21:32:00.000Z

**Pictures are to scale**

Gary Coleman Out Jumps Joleon Lescott!!!

For my first rant on the blog, I thought I would start with an amusing tale of how a midget out jumped a fully grown man. Watching the Carling cup semi final between Chelsea and Everton, I could not believe my eyes, when I saw Everton throw away the match and in the last seconds of the game let half man, half Gary Coleman leap above Lescott to force an injury time winner.

Allow me to digress briefly and give you a little insight into the man that is Shawn Wright-Phillips. On a night out in London, I had an encounter with Mr Wright-Phillips in a popular London club called Embassy. Whilst in the Gents, doing what one does, I found myself standing next to a very small man at the urinal. To my shock, this small fellow happened to be Mr Wright Phillips. As he looked up to me and directly at my genitalia(giving you an insight into how tall he really is), we did the customary black man hello, which for those who do not know is simply a nod of the head. He then proceeded to say “I can’t stay here for much longer, some of us have work in the morning.” You can imagine the look on my face as I thought to myself, “I wish I could piss on your head, you short bastard.”

Now looking back at the Chelsea, Everton game you can understand my sheer disbelief at how Lescott allowed Wright-Phillips to not only out jump him, but to also intimidate him enough, so that he conceded an own goal, it wasn't exactly Drogba was it?

All I ask is that Lescott, never ever ever ever play for England again, because he is a coward. I don’t care if Wright Phillips has go go gadget legs, he is still half the man his father is, literally.

Here is a video of the embarrassing incident.

I've F*cked Up Al, Let's Leap Again........

The sacking of Sam Allardyce, has brought a timely reminder of how cruel the game of football can be, but who really cares, because his style of football at St James' Park was absolute shite. The departure of big Sam as manager of Newcastle has left me some what nostalgic. To this end I find myself reminded of another great Sam. Who? I hear you ask. Well, Sam Allardyce’s journey at Newcastle is similar to that of Sam Beckett. For those who are not old enough to remember, Sam Beckett was the lead character in the hit TV show Quantum leap. Sam Beckett would leap between parallel universes, each time hoping that the next leap would in fact be the leap home, meaning he would never have to leap again.

Now, Sam Allardyce made a quantum leap of his own, from Bolton to Newcastle, but unlike Sam Beckett, big Sam has been told to, f*ck off home!

This was one leap too far Sam, so imagine what would have happened if big Sam had been given the England job. Liken this to Sam Beckett leaping into a universe where he was a porn star with a 2 inch penis, and quite simply not qualified for the job at hand. The England job would have been something bigger than quantum, Sam's intergalactic black whole, huge space, heaven like leap. Thankfully we didn't have to experience this, so lets all congratulate the wonderful and insanely fickle folks at Newcastle for showing us something that we all knew. Sadly, somewhere in a parallel universe he is England manager, but there is no Al to get him the f*ck out of there.

Thank your lucky stars English nation, for not rolling snake eyes, with a very dodgy Dyce.

Till next time, Isaac out.

P.s for those who are wondering what happened to Sam Beckett, the answer is he is currently managing Chelsea football club.

Calm Down, Calm Down...Carragher In Fan Fight Fury

2008-01-08T13:48:00.000Z

Jamie Carragher was today at the centre of a probe (not anal I presume) after he allegedly challenged Luton fans for a fight after the shambolic performance against the Hatters on Sunday evening.

Carragher is no stranger to such charades, who could forgot that classic moment against Arsenal when he picked up a coin which was aimed at him and threw it right back into the crowd. It later emerged that the fan in question had merely offered Carragher a penny for his thoughts.

Full details have yet to be confirmed as to how the latest incident came about, but it is rumoured that a few Luton fans, dressed up in Scouse wigs and moustaches were giving poor Jamie a bit of stick during his warm down and telling him to “calm down”.

Now, whilst I can understand his annoyance, and the exact details cannot be confirmed it does appear to be a case of another footballer acting like a prima donna. It appears that Carragher was trying to pick a fight with a bunch of fans who probably take a couple of years to earn what he does in a week for about 3-4 hours “work”. Why could he just not ignore them, be the bigger man and walk away. Is this really the way professional sportsman should act?

How often did you see Shane Warne jump in the crowd and with a Jimmy Fly Super Snuka Splash after being taunted for being fat? No, what he instead did was bowl out the whole England team to silence them. In other words, he got on with his job and let his talent do the talking.

It’s about time these idiots starting acting with a little dignity. Abuse isn’t nice, don’t get me wrong, but reacting in such a way is only going to further damage the reputation of top flight footballers, especially when confidence in them is at its lowest ebb for many a year.

Sort it out lads.

Sunil

F.A. Cup Ups & Downs.....

2008-01-07T12:17:00.000Z

Going Up
The lower league teams and the Magic of the cup....

Well well well, who would have thought it. Many may say that the premiership teams have not taken the cup seriously this season, but regardless of this fact, it is undeniable that the minnows have outperformed the overpayed prima donnas. The list of premiership casualties is as long as ever with Everton, Birmingham, Bolton & Blackburn all crashing out horribly, with Newcastle, Derby, Fulham and Liverpool surviving literally by the skin of their teeth. Also special mention has to go to Burnley who gave the premier league leaders arsenal a real scare, and if they had realised they had to put the ball in between the posts and not over them, then maybe just maybe they could have pulled off a shock result.

Luton

Probably the only time you would celebrate a draw more than you would a win. Many would begrudge Liverpool for not donating their share of the proceeds from the game, but seriously why should they? Fair play to Luton though, they got the result they deserved, and it was interesting to see a group of players who had not been paid for 9 weeks compete and literally outplay a team with players who earn millions a year. The money they will get from the replay will be some reward, but sadly this club may still cease to exist before the replay is even played.

Man Utd, Villa Park & Rooney

Man Utd cruised through to the next round thanks to a superb cameo appearance from the boy who makes you wonder, rather than the boy wonder Wayne Rooney at United's second home, Villa park. Will Villa ever have their way against the boys from Manchester? Which man would let someone come into his home and rape and pillage his belongings? Well the boys from Villa park lay down and take it everytime when Ferguson comes to town. Grow some balls guys.

Chelsea

They may no longer be the richest club in the world, but atleast they defeated the newly crowned richest club in the world.

Fat Sam
Almost, almost out of a job, but somehow he his hanging on.

Parkin

When he was coming on for Stoke against Newcastle, I said to myself, what the hell is this monster coming on, he is easily the fattest footballer I have ever seen. No need to ask who ate all the pies, it was clearly him and he ate all the deserts too. But he came on and completely changed the game, and almost won it for Stoke at the end. Feed him Feed him so he doesn't get hungry.

Going Down

Liverpool & Dirk Kuyt

Words cannot describe how bad Dirk Kuyt was at the weekend, he simply is not a footballer and thats the conclusion i have come to. Throw a ball for a dog and you will get a similar performance. Awful. The entire Liverpool team were not much better, with a display so bad it reminded me of the days when Houllier was turning corners. Absolutely disgraceful.

Lower League Finishing

Yes, they may be footballers of lower quality, but surely they must all be aware of where the goal is. Some of the finishing that i observed over the weekend, was some of the worst i have ever seen. Most notably at Burnley, Luton and Stoke, they should all be hanged for crimes against football. They probably couldn't finish a sentence or even a wank. Terrible.

The Premiership

They get paid so much more than their lower league compatriots, but that difference in pay did not represent a difference in class on the pitch. Unfortunately Derby's performance in the premiership suggests that their is this disparity for good reason.

The "A" Team

2008-01-04T10:35:00.000Z

I know there are many people out there clamouring for me to unload a fully loaded clip of dispair on my beloved Liverpool FC but at this moment i still cant bring myself to unravel the embarrassment of seeing Titus deliver the knockout blow to yet another title campaign. I'd rather talk about some other more interesting aspects of the somewhat painful but still beautiful game.

So upon looking at various football matches across the country, we have witnessed these funny celebrations in which the player creates an "A" with his hand. I think the first person i saw do it was Andy Johnson, so naturally i thought he was doing it to symbolise his name. No mystery there then. Next week a few more players started doing it, from Marcus Bent to another players whose name i just cant bring myself to say anymore. So I'm thinking what the hell is this all about then, does this "A" represent a girl they all roasted, and they decided to pay homage to her? Or did it represent the grade they got for passing their GCSEs at the 15th time of asking?

After doing a bit of super duper journalism and interviews, I found the answer. To my horror the "A" actually represents something good for the world of football. It represents a charity started by Andy Johnson and "One Size" Fitz Hall which is trying to restore the good name of footballers that has been tainted by so many, most notably Joey Barton in recent times. The charity aims to help underprivileged children by showing them that there are role models who don't glamourise guns and drugs, and they can achieve anything they want if they put their minds to it. I think this is a really great idea, and all my respect goes out to all the footballers involved in the project. The website is http://astar-global.com/index.htm be sure to check it out and support it.

Who would have thought that footballers would have been smart enough to think up a marketing campaign for the charity. I could imagine them discussing it, and saying when they scored they would do the celebration, with Titus Bramble nodding his head in agreement, and then everyone stopping and laughing at him knowing he would probably never score another goal in his career. well, looks like the jokes on them and me.

West Brom - Arsenal of the Championship

2008-01-01T12:36:00.000Z

Just to show that there the Chamionship is not just full of kick and rush football, here are a couple of videos showcasing the talents of the Championship's top fliers, West Bromwich Albion.

The Scunthorpe game was like a Goal of the Month competition held in one game

West Brom vs Scunthorpe

West Brom vs Charlton

Roast Watch Joey Barton Strikes Again

2007-12-31T15:52:00.000Z

Joey, Joey Joey, when are you going to sort your life out? As if thumping and assaulting people wasn't bad enough, you have now decided to try and hassle women instead. You stupid idiot.

Thank you to the Sun for keeping us abreast (ahem) of Joey's latest shameful antics

Boozy Barton boob rub shame

Low blow ... Barton gets a bit too close

SOCCER badboy Joey Barton is shamed again after being filmed burying his face in a busty brunette’s BOOBS.

Barton — in jail over an alleged assault last week — upset American beauty Catherine Payne with his lewd antics in a club.

Miffed Catherine rebuffed his boozy attempts to get her on the dancefloor.

Breast pal ... Catherine with friend and Nicky Butt

In the mobile phone footage, Barton is seen repeatedly shoving his face into Catherine’s cleavage because she is wearing a plunging black dress.

As she moves away, Barton, swigging from a bottle, puts his arm around her and attempts to kiss her — but gets knocked back again.

Lewd antics ... Barton

As Catherine walks away he tries to rub his head in her boobs again, almost falling over in the process.

She shoves him off but he yanks her hair THREE TIMES as she turns away.

The incident, at the Loft Nightclub in Keswick, was captured by a witness on his phone camera.

Barton, 25, and Newcastle United pals, including Nicky Butt, were in the Lake District for a team-building exercise, staying at a hotel where Catherine ran a beauty salon.

The witness said: “I saw Barton hassling the girl. She tried to politely brush him off but in the end had to walk away. He was bang out of order.

The incident came just weeks before Barton was arrested last Thursday after a 5.30am bust-up in Liverpool.

He has been charged with common assault and affray. Barton is remanded in custody until Thursday.

Last night he was offered advice by ex-England soccer star Stan Collymore — famed for thumping TV’s Ulrika Jonsson and sex with strangers.

Urging Barton NOT to end up like him, Collymore, 36, said: “If you want to see how things can go wrong, read my story and read it carefully.”

Sunil

Shut Your Mouth!

2007-12-31T15:44:00.001Z

Here is a simply hilarious video taken from the Sheffield United Vs Crystal Palace game on Saturday.

When you have to shut your own fans up by pulling a hat over their head you know you have problems. To be fair to the guy in front, not being able to see his Sheffield United team play may be a blessing in disguise. The look on the kid's face is priceless when he has just realised what has happened

Sunil

Premiership Ups & Downs...

2007-12-30T13:28:00.000Z

Well, the last weekend of Premiership action of 2007 didn't disappoint..here are the latest Ups & Downs...

Also a mention though to Phil O'Donnell, the Motherwell midfielder who passed away during a game on Saturday afternoon, a truly tragic event. A reminder to all of us that there are more important things than football.

Going Up

Goals, Goals, Goals

Well, after the Xmas festivities, we could perhaps have forgiven the players if they were slightly hungover this weekend. However, this theory was thrown complete out the window as the Premiership served up a veritable orgy of goalmouth action (and not a roasting in sight). There were goals galore which delighted the hordes who had braved it in the terrible weather.

So what is the reason for this sudden goal rush? Well, I have noticed that this upsurge has rather spookily co-incided with the disappearance of Alan Hansen from our screens on Match of the Day. Normally, defenders would be scared shitless of making errors in games, knowing that the Scotsman would hand out the roasting live on National Television later on that evening. However, Hansen has now been replaced by Alan Shearer for the time being. In comparison, Shearer has nowhere near the class of Hansen as a pundit. The Geordie permanently sits on the fence and loves to state the obvious. However, as a former striker he loves goals more than Hansen and the players obviously have realised they will get more praise for goalscoring exploits when Shearer is on MOTD. Whatever the actual reason though, I'm not complaining. Long may it continue.

Berbatov

The Bulgarian showed his class as his 4 goal salvo sealed victory Spurs in a simply ridiculous game against Reading at White Hart Lane. A mixture of the frustrating and audacious, Spurs simply must hold onto this man during the transfer window if they are to continue their slow ascent up their table.

Terrace Humour

I went to see my team play a game on Saturday afternoon and at half time a home supporter asked his girlfriend to marry her in front of the whole crowd. She accepted.

The fans response?

"You don't know what you're doing!"

Simply priceless

Eduardo

Prince scored his first Premiership goals of the campaign as Arsenal resorted to Wimbledon style tactics to overcome Everton after an insipid first half display. Who says that Arsenal don't have a plan B eh? The best finisher in the Premiership?

Kenwyne Jones

Powerhouse display from the big man to help secure a crucial three points for the Black Cats.

Bentley

Is there a more talented English football player in the Premiership right now?

Going Down

Ronaldo and Man Utd

The cheeky winker perhaps received some karma for his recent diving exploits as his horrendous penalty miss proved costly in a sloppy display from the Champions. They were undone by two set pieces to throw the title race back wide open. Rio proved he is not the only person who can hand out the roasting as he got merked by his own brother Anton, who had come on as a substitute.

Fabregas

Not to be outdone by Emmanuel Eboue in terms of being an annoying little shit the little Spaniard reached new depths as his over-reaction against Mikel Arteta resulted in the mercurial playmaker being sent off. Arteta's arm was undoubtedly in Fabregas' face but the way he went down as if he had been caught by a sniper was borderline scandalous. What makes it more unforgivable is the fact that the two are meant to be bum chums, with Xabi Alonso completing the trinity. Can you honestly believe that someone would get their mate sent off like that? It's almost as bad as cock blocking your own mate and then sneaking off with the girl at the end of the night. It remains to be seen whether the two midfielders will kiss and make up in the future.

Liverpool

If Liverpool harbour any ambitions of winning the Premiership they need to...(insert footballing cliche). It's getting a bit boring talking about the abilities that Liverpool lack, the same problems we discuss every season. This was probably a must win game, and how Liverpool did not win this game only god will know. They were totally totally dominant, and if not for the simply outstanding Richard Dunne and the often awful Kuyt it could have been a rout. Many will question Rafa again, why were his tactics so negative early on? What took Liverpool so long to get going? Are they really scared like Hicks suggested? Who knows, but there needs to be a turnaround soon, or it will most definitely be over for another season.

The Chelski linesman

Perhaps Roman handed out a cheeky bribe to the linesman as he inexplicably kept his flag down as Kalou slammed home after being a mere 5 yards offside. How else could the striker have possibly scored otherwise? The result was harsh on Newcastle as the Chelksi home bandwagon rolls on.

Robbie Keane

As much as I love the Irishman as a footballer I think its time to pass on the penalty taking duties.

Reading

Scoring 4 goals and still losing is not an achievement to be be proud of really.

Pompey

As said a couple of weeks ago, watch out for the Pompey slide. They cannot score at home and will soon be without half their team. Don't be surprised to see them slip into the relegation dogfight after Xmas.

Derby

A missed penalty at 1-0 for Derby was punished almost instantaneously by a Rovers equalizer within a matter of seconds. Derby went from near ecstasy to total agony . A bit like banging a bird then realising that she is in fact a man. Like Begbie in Trainspotting, Derby never really recovered and the inspirational Bentley sealed the comeback to leave the Rams firmly rooted to the bottom of the League.

Sunil

Twat Watch

2007-12-29T18:20:00.000Z

Upon reviewing the constant foolish off the field behaviour of our favourite football players, I felt the need to introduce a new column to On The Bench, some way to highlight the idiocies of some of our idols.

There is a common saying, that you can take the boy out of the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the boy. Joey Barton is simply the epitome of this, and he continues to ruin all his talent by being involved in more off the field shenanigans. When he is not beating up his teamates, or moaning about passionate fans, Joey Barton can be found on the streets of Liverpool getting into fights with random locals. Here is a link to his latest misdemeanor.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/7162323.stm

What a twat, some may call that a harsh judgement, others may see it as perfectly apt. But seriously what excuse does a professional footballer, who is supposed to be a shining light to youngsters around the country, have for being out clubbing and getting into yet another brawl, and this isn't a one off incident. Thankfully Joey will be learning a very harsh less over the new year as he spends his days moping in a nice warm jail cell. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. I know Joey is an avid reader of On The Bench, but unfortunately he is behind bars and I doubt he has wi-fi access, but happy new year Joey.

Championship Corner

2007-12-27T13:30:00.000Z

As the Premiership looks set to enter into two race race its time to look at the Championship, where things are a looking a lot more interesting at the turn of the year as the season enters its halfway point. Lets start by looking at the top....

I often joke with my friends that WBA are the "Arsenal of the Championship" but this is often met by howls of derision. Whilst my claim may be slightly exaggerated it can't be denied that the Baggies are one of the most entertaining teams in the country right now. The sale of Kamara, Koumas and Davies (have any of them really bettered themselves...?) ripped the spine out of Tony Mowbray's team but he has done an excellent rebuilding job to send the Baggies top at Xmas. Liverpool fans may think they have the "best midfield in the world" but I think that West Brom may have the best midfield in the Championship. Gera, Greening, Brunt, Koren, Texeira and Morrison are formidable and ally that to the evergreen Phillips upfront with a helping hand from Ishmael "roasting" Miller then the future is looking bright for the Baggies. They are the top scorers in the country at the moment and their whopping goal difference is testimony to the football they play.

Joint top with the Baggies are the the Glory Hornet Boys. If WBA are the Rolls Royce of the division then Watford are the Morris Minor, but at the end of the day, they still get you from A to B like the Rolls Royce does, though perhaps in less style. Watford are horrible to watch, make no bones about it but they grind out results and in King, Ellington and McAnuff they do possess a very real goal threat. It remains to be seen if they have the squad depth to maintain a title challenge but it is likely they will be up there come the end of the season, providing they sort out their home form.

Contiuning the car analogy, and third place Stoke City are like a Monster truck, they will just stomp all over you. A friend who went to the Stoke City Vs West Brom games said that it was more like a WWE wrestling match with Stoke City turning each game into a playground fight. However, the table doesn't lie and it cannot be denied that that their style of football is effective. In Ricardo Fuller they have one of the Leagues most fearsome strikers as recently shown in his single handed demolition of the Baggies. If Pulis can strengthen his squad in the transfer window then you can sure they will be around those top two promotion spots come May.

Bristol City and Charlton have stuttered in recent weeks but they remain just a few points adrift. Gary Johnson has done an exceptional job at Bristol City having seen his team promoted from League One only last season. Alan Pardew is one of the most experienced managers around at getting teams out of this division and his nouse could prove crucial at the end of the season for Charlton

A word also for pre-season favourites Sheffield United. Bryan Robson looks set to prove once again that he is a shite manager as he takes a team which nearly survived from the Premiership, added to the squad and yet somehow managed to turn them into an average mediocre side. The former Man Utd legend is a bit like a lame horse when it comes to management, he just needs to be put out of his misery.

Turning to the other end of the table and Colchester United look doomed. They had to sell Iwelumo, Cureton and Varney in the summer, their whole strikeforce basically. That's a bit like having your legs removed and still hoping that you can drive a car(although I believe that actually IS possible these days). Either way, you get the point I am trying to make. Colchester are up shit creek without a paddle, but so was that Darwin bloke who came back from the dead so perhaps they can still survive. BOOM BOOM.

QPR have hired an Italian manager who cannot speak English to try and help them stave of relegation after the previous Englishman had a nightmare (sound familiar England fans...?). I think that they could put the Super Mario Brothers in charge and they would still have more chance of surviving to be honest.

Preston sacked Paul Simpson in an attempt to revive their fortunes. However, they will soon realise that changing manager when you have a shit team will make no difference whatsoever. It's a bit like Lewis Hamilton starting to drive for Toyota and expecting him win the title. I don't think so.

Sunil

Premiership Ups & Downs....

2007-12-23T18:23:00.000Z

After a week of roasting in Manchester it was back to the bread and butter of the Premiership this weekend. Here are the latest ups and downs as Arsenal and Man Utd look set to enter into a two horse race for the Premiership

Going Up

Fernando Torres

Whilst Liverpool's title challenge has faltered in recent week it is clear and obvious to everyone that El Nino is on fire at the moment and is probably the best striker in the Premiership. In recent years, even the likes of Bergkamp, Henry and Drogba have taken their time to bed in to the speed and pace of the Premiership and then you have players like Sheva who look completely like a fish out of water. Torres however, has settled in immediately and looks already as though his price tag was completely justified.

It may be a cliche, but Torres appears to have everything in his locker. Poise, balance, a great turn of pace, two great feet and decent ability in the air. Basically he has everything that his hapless partner Dirk Kuyt doesn't have.

Arsenal & Man Utd

Sometimes it takes alot more luck than skill, to win a Premiership title, and both these teams got their fair share of it over the weekend.

Derby

Two goals in one away game? Surely not. Next thing you know referees will be giving penalties to the away team at Old Trafford and Chelsea players will accept every decision made by the men in black...I wouldn't hold your breath though.

Hilario

He may well be a figure of fun but his fine one handed save from Santa Cruz made sure that Chelsea held onto three points in this tricky tie at Ewood. Apart from that he was pretty shite though so unless Cech makes an immediate return expect Chelski's goals against record to take a bit of a pounding in the next few weeks.

Bentley

Another eye catching display from the midfielder who surely must now get a chance for England on the right hand side. He appears to have learnt a lot from Wenger's foreign legion with great technique and vision which is such a rare commodity in England players these days.

Going Down

Lycra

Perhaps after all the hype from last week's Grand Slam Sunday footballers think that they ought to begin looking like the wrestlers from the other side of the the Atlantic. It seems as though lycra tops underneath the jersey are the latest fashion accessories for footballer. Don't be surprised to see Rooney and Tevez soon featuring in an advert for the latest skin tight leggings. Come on lads, ditch the gloves and lycra and lets not forget this is a man's game.

Robbie Keane

On Saturday morning on Football Focus, the wee Irishman was showing doing his bit for footballers (not by roasting someone) by going to a local children's ward to had out Xmas presents to unfortunate children. To Keane's horror about 99% of the children were Arsenal fans, but being the good sport he is he didn't take exception and made sure all the kids for their presents. Thankfully for Arsenal fans his kindness extended to Saturday afternoon as his penalty miss howler was followed almost instantaneously by Arsenal taking the lead at the other end. Keane's previous penalty record was pretty exceptional and it just shows was pressure can do to you as the Irishman shows that perhaps he has balls like cashew nuts after all.

Stephen Pienaar

Robbie Keane wasn't the only player handing out premature Xmas gifts as the Everton midfielder's moment of madness allowed the Cheeky Winker to steal the points at Old Trafford and move them to within one point of Arsenal. What quite Pienaar was thinking I don't know as he showed all the intelligence of an amoeba to bring down Giggs just as Everton looked as they were going to close out the game.

Newcastle

Big Sam can say what hes like but this was another embarrassing result for Newcastle as they let in 2 goals against a team who had only scored 1 away goal all season. Newcastle's defence shows no sign of improving and the Magpies already have that mid-table mediocrity look about them.

Dean Whitehead and Sunderland

I know that things can be tough at the bottom but crashing into the home mascot is no way to take out your frustration. However, the Reading lion had the last laugh as the home side snatched a winner in the last minute thanks to a dodgy last minute goal. Roy Keane spent £35m in the summer but is still facing relegation scrap which will prove a huge test of his managerial talents

Goal line technology, the BBC and Sky

After all the fuss around goal line technology, the BBC and Sky's super duper video imaging software could not come to an agreement as to whether the goal line decisions over the weekend had crossed the line or not. If two TV companies with bags of time, money and technology cant figure it out, then what hope for the poor linesman? Whats the point of goal line technology if it doesn't even work?

Sunil

Roast Watch Micah Richards Mobile Phone Special

2007-12-23T13:12:00.000Z

Well, well well, its looks like the red half of Manchester aren't the only ones who have recently been involved a roasting scandal. After the shennanigans of Manchester United players at the "roast party" , news has leaked that Micah Richards has recently been involved of some roasting of his own. The Manchester City defender has made the headlines as him and his pal filmed themselves on a mobile phone having sex with a woman in a disabled toilet. His friend has not been officially named but I have to confess that I am almost a 100% sure that it is striker Ishmael Miller, who is currently on loan at West Bromwich Albion. Miller has spent the last few weeks sidelined by injury so its good to see that he was making excellent use of his spare time.

Micah writes his own column on the BBC Football website, which in all honesty is pretty fucking boring. Perhaps if he made the readers aware of what he actually got up to in his spare time then he might generate a bit more interest. It looks as though perhaps him and Miller are trying to become the new Dwight and Andy, who were renowned for their teamwork off the pitch back in the late 90s.

Here is the article courtesy of the News of the World.

England ace in sex roast shame

New shocking video reveals two players in vile orgy

By Keith Gladdis

ENGLAND ace Micah Richards has been caught ‘roasting' a young girl fan in a sick sex video passed to the News of the World.

The Manchester City star and a Premier League pal filmed themselves on a mobile phone during the depraved hotel toilet romp in the latest scandal to rock English soccer.

Richards is today exposed as a vile animal captured on video "roasting" a teenage fan in a toilet with a pal.

The star player and his Premier League friend, grinning broadly with debauched pleasure, have sex with the girl at the same time while filming themselves on a mobile phone.

The sickening video of Manchester City defender Richards was handed to the News of the World in the week that soccer's reputation hit rock bottom after allegations of rape and roasting at rival club Man United's Christmas party.

The film of Richards' roasting—a sick act which involves one man having sex with a woman from behind while she gives a second oral sex—was passed on to friends' mobiles by the swaggering pair.

In the clip, the 19-year-old player, one of England's brightest young stars, smiles directly at the camera over the girl's back.

Dressed in a white T-shirt, jeans and a leather jacket, he shakes his head around as his pal films him with his trousers down behind the girl.

Richards is wearing distinctive jewellery including a silver ring, earrings and necklace.

Then the other smiling soccer player, who is naked from the waist up, moves the phone lens onto his own private parts in the most sickening footage —and also films the girl giving him oral sex, reflected in a large mirror in what appears to be a hotel's disabled toilet.

The girl—a brunette naked from the waist down—moans with pleasure as the players shout: "Does that feel good?" Wearing just a black wool jumper and expensive black earrings, she doesn't stop pleasuring the men—even when a mobile phone rings.

Both players then burst into laughter and one of them says: "Who's ringing you at this time?" Towards the end of the 87 seconds of footage one of the men mumbles something to the other, causing him to shout "F*** that!"

Then as the sleazy session ends, one of the players says something that forces the girl to yell an indignant "Hey!"

Sources who have seen the video reveal the man with Richards—who played for his team against Aston Villa yesterday—is another Premier League player.

The footage is believed to have been shot in Manchester city centre in the last five weeks, near the time England embarrassingly failed to qualify for the European Championships with their defeat to Croatia at Wembley.

One pal told us: "Micah and his mate have been boasting about what they got up to with the girl, they think it is hilarious. You can tell they are both loving it.

"Most of my friends have now got it on their phones. But you can't help thinking they are treating the girl like a piece of meat.

"Even when one of their phones rings they don't stop, they just have a laugh and carry on. They don't really care to be honest, it's just another girl."

Another pal said Richards— said to be seeking an improved £14 million contract at City—is regularly seen in Manchester bars with his roasting accomplice.

He said: "They are so tight it is unbelievable, they do everything together. They have got a lot of money and they know it.

"They dress in flash jewellery and rap star clothes. To be honest they wind a lot of people up but the girls seem to love it."

Richards might care more when he realises how the scandal will put his budding England career at risk under new coach Fabio Capello—a renowned disciplinarian who demands the best behaviour from his players.

Italian Capello has warned that he will subject all England players to a month of intense scrutiny before deciding whether they are deserving of a place in his first squad.

He said: "A place in the national squad has to be deserved, and it will be based on behaviour, play on the field and attitude."

Richards was the youngest defender ever to be called up for England and is now a team regular alongside captain John Terry.

His behaviour will be particularly heartbreaking for his proud dad Lincoln who came to Britain from the West Indies 40 years ago as a seven-year-old. Despite bringing Micah up in the tough Chapeltown area of Leeds, he was sure his son would make a success of his life.

Earlier this year Lincoln said: "There are two roads you can go down, bad or good. I was never concerned about Micah, it was not in his nature."

The player even sees himself as a role model, saying: "To anyone from my area, I always give the advice that if you really want something, just concentrate on it and try to fulfil your dreams."

But our sordid footage reveals the Aston Martin-driving Micah has been drawn into the depraved lifestyle that is tarnishing our national game—and which erupted onto front pages all last week.

Budding Manchester United star Jonny Evans was arrested on Tuesday after a 26-year-old nurse claimed she had been raped at the team's party in the swish Great John Street Hotel. He denies the accusation.

Then it was claimed another girl was roasted at the bash by around five or six revellers—including three Man United players. Girls mingling with players in the hotel complained of being groped "like pieces of meat" by boozed-up stars.

Manchester United boss Alex Ferguson is now attempting to call time on the behaviour of his overpaid stars.

He has banned any repeat of last week's party where more than 100 carefully selected pretty girls were invited, but wives and girlfriends were banned.

Organisers are understood to have trawled the social networking site Facebook to find attractive young women to attend the party. But at the last minute it was feared there were not enough girls and calls were made to local lap dancing clubs to make up the numbers.

All United's players were at the party apart from Ronaldo, who was at an awards ceremony.

Roasting was first highlighted in 2003 when a 17-year-old girl claimed she was gang-raped by four men— including two Premiership stars—at the Grosvenor House Hotel in London.

The two stars were interviewed by detectives but the case was dropped because of lack of evidence.

And in January 2004, three Leicester City players were questioned about the alleged assault and rape of three prostitutes at Spain's luxury La Manga hotel complex. Paul Dickov, 32, Keith Gillespie, 30, and Frank Sinclair, 34, spent six days in jail before they were all cleared by a Spanish court.

Random musings from the past week...

2007-12-22T17:07:00.001Z

1- Is Capello the right man for the job, yes he has the credentials and all the awards McCalren could only dream of, but can even a man of his incredible abilities rescue English Football? He is definitely one of the best candidates out there and will certainly improve the England team 1000 fold, but seriously how difficult is that after having one of the worse managers in the history of football and not even Capello will be able to teach the team to pass. Capello will certainly need to learn a few select English phrases such as : -

"Frank put the pizzas down"
"Catch it Paul, Catch It"
"Seriously, Why cant you clowns pass a football"
"Stevie, this is not Hollywood"

2 - After Seeing yesterdays performances by Momo Sissoko and Voronin, I think we can officially close the cult fan clubs they had when the arrived. Don't let the door hit you on the way out lads.

3 - Who are worse the English Football Team or the English Cricket Team?

4 - Have Spurs really turned the corner, or will they get perpetually owned by Arsenal when they get raped in the London derby on Saturday(how inevitable is this) and then knocked out of their only real chance of silverware when they take on Arsenal's "kids" at the emirates.

5- This Arsenal's "kids" nonsense, its bollocks really isn't it? Every team has young players, who play in the Carling cup.

6 - Was anyone else happy to see Crouch's simply hilarious attempt at trying to end Mikel's career? I would never have expected that from him.

7 - Shevchenko scored!! Does this mean he has finally found his level?

8 - How did Leon win the X-Factor?

9 - What the hell were the Man Utd players thinking? So basically they organised a bash, invited as many random girls as they probably could, and provided them with enough alcohol to ensure that they forget the evenings festivities. Whose idea was it? Well, apparently Rio was behind the whole debacle which has left Sir Alex absolutely fuming, maybe he was angry because he wasn't invited. Sounded like an an absolute roast fest.

10 - How predictable was seeing the ultimate whinger Lawrie Sanchez leave Fulham? How did he expect to do well after spending all of his money on decent championship players?

Roast Watch Festive Special

2007-12-21T10:44:00.000Z

Well, well well, at a time when many people will be pondering what methods to use to roast their turkeys this Christmas, footballers continue their all year round roasting campaign with even more shocking news coming out of the Man Utd camp.

THE girl “roasted” by Manchester United players at their Christmas party bragged drunkenly afterwards: They said I was great in bed.

The pretty reveller, aged around 19, had just had sex with five or six men, including three United players.

Their jeers and her moans were overheard by a sickened party guest. She said yesterday:

I was upstairs in the hotel gossiping with a friend when I heard cheering and clapping noises coming from one of the rooms.

We could hear the voices of around five or six men - together with the groaning noises of a girl who was clearly having sex.

The men were shrieking like hyenas and shouting, ‘Get in there’. My mate and I sat shocked as it was so vile.

After a few minutes the men filed out of the room laughing, and rushed downstairs for more booze.

I recognised three of them as members of the Manchester United squad - one of them a well-known name.

Posh ... hotel where Man U players were involved in roasting

The girl then came staggering out boasting she had just had sex with all the men.

She was clearly very drunk and very pretty, and probably about 19 years old.

I asked if she was OK and she said, ‘Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I be? They said I was a great shag’ and then she hobbled down the corridor.

She looked as if she was in a bit of pain. After that me and my mate left. I was shocked by the idea there had been an orgy at the party. It felt so sleazy.

Details of the sordid session at Manchester’s plush Great John Street Hotel on Monday night emerged following claims by a 26-year-old that she was raped at the bash.

Disgusted

The girl told police that Northern Ireland international Jonny Evans attacked her after she went upstairs with him following a dance.

Evans, 19, has denied the accusation, telling pals: “I didn’t do it.”

Cops have heard about grubby antics including beauties being passed around “like pieces of meat”.

Many revellers visited a casino and a pub before heading to the hotel.

Nearly 100 girls were there including models, ex-soap stars and well-known faces from Manchester’s party circuit. But there were no wives or girlfriends.

Last night the alleged rape victim remained in the Greater Manchester area as police continued to gather evidence and statements from her.

Meanwhile United stars tried to put the party scandal behind them as they visited sick children.

Skipper Neville along with Scholes and Hargreaves cheered up kids at Booth Hall Children’s Hospital in Blackley, Manchester.

They handed out presents including one to little Huber Tanny, six.

Giggs and Rooney joined boxer Ricky “The Hitman” Hatton to raise money for charity at Royal Manchester Children’s Hospital.

Ricky, a keen fan of rivals Manchester City, wore a blue Santa hat while Wayne wore a red one as they gave a present to Josh Hodgin, 11.

The Old Trafford players make hospital visits every Christmas.

I'm confused by all this, why were some of the girls disgusted? You were invited to a party with no wives or girlfriends allowed, what were you honestly expecting, a civillised tea party? I love the way the Man Utd players think giving presents to children will vindicate them of any wrong doing. The girl said she heard people saying "get in there", what odds on her also hearing the immortal words "you got merked!!!!" Yes, we know you were there Rio.

I Love Dirk Kuyt....

2007-12-20T11:33:00.000Z

After the unfortunate events of Grand Slam Sunday, I then received this email from a mate of mine who supports Man Utd, have a read for yourself, it was aptly titled "I Love Dirk Kuyt".

"He epitomises everything about why your pathetic club won't win the title. Oh how I laughed every time he miscontrolled the ball....but don't worry, you've got Alonso coming back! Shudder!

Pathetic, utterly pathetic Kofi. Your big man bravado has yet again blown up in your face as your insignificant little club is out the title race before Xmas yet again - now it feels like Xmas..
.

I just love heading for our annual 3 points at Anfield where Fergie proves he's the master to Benitez's totally inept tactics...Oh we beat Marseilles to finish second in the easiest group in the Champions league, we're the greatest side on earth. F*cking laughable.

Now please, please take your Stevie "I go missing in every game against Man United" Gerrard and Fernando "I'm learning the Liverpool way about choking against Man United" Torres and f*ck off back to fight for third. You have an insignificant club who's only aspirations are to fluke yet another cup victory on penalties. Leave winning titles to the big boys.

Oh, and you Chelsea, you are not out of it yet, but that defeat makes it very, very tough. I know you're missing players, but you're gonna be missing a whole lot more in Jan...."

Premership Ups & Downs

2007-12-18T12:29:00.000Z

Going Up

Man United

The Champions ground out a terrific win at Anfield to pretty much end the title challenge of their fiercest rivals. In truth, they were rarely tested by Rafa’s men and their defence was superbly marshalled by Rio Ferdinand. Rio has merked Liverpool in recent seasons with last gasp winners but his performance on Sunday was a master class in defending. He and Vidic would have thrown themselves in front of a speeding bullet if they had to protect their lead on Sunday. Meanwhile, Anderson aka Predator again showed he has the potential to be world class player with a fearless display in the middle of the park. Man Utd must be considered the favourites for the title now and 7 points out of 9 against their three main rivals could be crucial come the end of the season

Arsenal

The Gooners maintained their title challenge with a deserved win over Chelski at the Emirates. Whilst this wasn’t their greatest performance of this campaign, the 3 points could prove massive at the end of the season. Seeing them charge forward in the last 10 minutes was a joy to behold and they probably deserved a bigger scoreline.

Watching Arsenal beat your team is like watching your best mate sleep with your wife. You don’t want to look, but you can’t help but admire it.

Yakubu

One of the most under-rated players around, his excellent form is helping Everton on their charge towards a European spot. Compare him to someone like Dirk Kuyt and you wonder if Benitez has maybe bought the wrong striker.

Man City

The best home record in the Premiership, what else can you say about that.

Tottenham

A first away win of the season for Spurs means that they pull away from the Premiership drop zone. They even managed to keep a clean sheet. I think the last time that happened, Elvis was still alive.

Going Down

John Terry and Emmanuel Eboue

Karma is a bitch isn’t it boys?

Liverpool

Liverpool once again flattered to deceive in the big game as they were shown to be short on creativity and that spark to get them back into the game. From a neutral/Closet Gooner’s point of view Liverpool’s attacking game plan seemed to rely on whacking the ball 50 yard forward to the head of Torres and hoping to feed on the scraps. Whilst they may not be a totally long ball team they can be a bit direct, with there being few occasions where they generally cut through Man Utds defence or got in behind them. Riise and Arbeloa barely crossed the halfway line in comparison to Evra and Wes Brown. Benitez has shown in Europe that he has the tactical nous to nullify opposition teams, but in the blood and thunder of the Premiership, his cautious approach could prove to be his downfall. I can remember only one occasion where Stevie G ended up the opposition penalty area and Torres was non existent, mainly because he was having 60 yard balls pinged at his head from the most ridiculous angles. Until Liverpool develop a more expansive game plan for the Premiership, then it is hard to see them challenging for the title.

Portsmouth

Pompey’s poor home form continued as they again drew a blank against Tottenham. That’s a bit like being in a room with Jenna Jameson, Jenna Haze and Tera Patrick and still failing to score. Pompey will have half their team disappear in January because of the African Nations so don’t be surprised to see them slide down the table in the next few weeks.

Roy Keane’s missus

Having seen the Irishman raging after Sunderland were denied a last gasp winner I would love to have been a fly on the wall at his home over the weekend. I hope he had calmed down a bit or else I seriously fear for his wife’s life.

Derby

When your new manager admits you are going down after only a week in charge you know it’s all over.

Blackburn

Conceding five goals in one game is bad enough, but to do it against the might of Wigan was a pretty shambolic effort. I think the last time Marcus Bent scored was when he banged Danielle Lloyd so to let him score three times in 90 minutes is criminal. Special mention though to Santa Cruz (lovely Xmas pun there) who managed to score a hat trick and still finish on the losing side.

Garth Crooks

Can someone please remove this man from TV? NOW. Having currently moved flat I am deprived of the brilliant Jeff Stelling and have to put up with the inane ramblings of the former Spurs midfielder on BBC 1 on Saturday.

The guy is simply a complete and utter idiot. He never seems to answer the question which he has been asked and tries to make every response sound like a General Election speech or something. His analysis of games is piss poor to say the least and every time I see him I just want to put my fist through the TV screen and throttle him. It’s almost as bad as listening to Jacqui Oatley.

Shevchenko, Cashley Cole and Fat Frank

Poor old Andrei reminds me of a porn star who is still working at the age of 90 years old. You know that one day he had talent and skill but quite simply he is past his best and out of his depth. It’s hard to believe that this big lump was once one of Europe’s best strikers. He is now only a good player on Pro Evo and Championship Manager respectively.

Cashley is going down this week as the greedy bastard gave a lovely V-sign towards the fans who used to line his pockets. He has also been shown that Gael Clichy is probably a better player than him and that Arsenal came off better in the Gallas/Cole exchange. An embarrassing day all round for Cheryl’s squeeze. I just wish I could squeeze that little fucker to death.

As for Fat Frank, despite his huge size, he once again managed to disappear completely from view in a big game. I am pretty sure that when he tried to take a free kick he was actually aiming for a deflection…what a twat.

Ronaldo
Just for being a diving cunt

Lawrie Sanchez

His attempts to turn Fulham into Northern Ireland have failed spectacularly and Fulham are looking like they could be going down this season. His list of excuses is getting embarrassing now. I wouldn’t be surprised if next week he blames the tea lady for his team’s inept performance. Does he ever have anything sensible to say?

Sunil

Kofi's Perspective on Grand Slam Sunday...

2007-12-16T19:08:00.000Z

So yesterday was grand slam Sunday, a day filled with so many expectations for so many people, but after being told that Leon had won the X-Factor, I knew all wasn’t right with the worlds equilibrium. My day started quite positively, I woke up slightly hungover from the night before, but I did recall memories of having a few wagers with my Man Utd supporting mate, all in all I was quite confident of a Liverpool victory. I get to the pub, get a nice seat and watch the simply ridiculous hype on Skysports. For some reason they had a boardroom full of ex footballers giving their defunct opinions on how the day’s events would pan out. Why do these "experts" get paid? Their professional insight on the premiership usually extends to telling us that any team that wants to win the title will have to finish above Man Utd. Oh really?

Anyway back to the game, so I was patiently waiting for the team sheet, furiously hoping that Crouch would start and the workman Kuyt would simply drop off the face of the earth and not just onto the bench, but sadly I was disappointed. I was still very optimistic about the game though, was my optimism unfounded? So we get to kick off, and as the first 45 minutes fly by I notice a pattern reminiscent of many other games against Man Utd. We create a few clear cut chances, dominate possession but somehow by some divine right we simply cannot put the ball in the net. So the question was how long until we get sucker punched? Low and behold on the stroke of half time Tevez nips in to score. How predictable was that? We simply didn’t turn up creatively, and it was quite clear that it wasn’t going to be our day. Kuyt was as awful as ever, we were playing with 10 men whilst he was on the pitch, god knows why Rafa has so much faith in him. Gerrard persisted on playing the quarter back role for most of the match, surely he wasn’t scared of Anderson? Torres literally disappeared from the pitch in the second half. Rio put in the performance of his life, and when you defend like that you have a chance wherever you go. They truly are champions, and I think that’s what frustrates us Liverpool fans the most.

So as I watched the last 45 minutes wind down, I sat there thinking will I ever see a Premiership title in my lifetime? Every year we are full of so much hope, but now it seems like there is a dark cloud over Anfield, something that simply wont allow us to do as well as we should be doing in the league. Something tells me that if we were playing a champions league semi final, then we would have won this game and that saddens me. Why can’t we get motivated in the premiership?

After drowning my sorrows with a couple of shots of whiskey I sat down to watch the Arsenal Chelsea game, which involved four of the most despicable human beings to grace the Premiership. Many of them getting what some might say they deserved. I think on reflection it probably should have been a draw, but without Drogba in the side Chelsea lacked the cutting edge required, and they desperately need to spend some cash in January. You seriously have to question the business acumen of Chelsea F.C, how the hell did AC Milan get 30 million pounds for Shevchenko, I will say it again, 30 million pounds!!!!?????? God knows what that can buy these days, but for some reason it can’t get you a striker who can run or score. Strange. Also, Chelsea got rid of Gallas(one of the best defenders in the league) for 5 million and Ashley Cole(One of the biggest …… in the league), and in the end it has come back to haunt them, seriously Kenyon what the hell are you doing?

When John Terry went off injured after a vintage Eboue tackle, you knew Chelsea were in trouble, and Ben Haim is not a suitable replacement. Sidwell, Ben Haim and Pizzaro? Simply awful Business, even for free and not squad depth that Chelsea need. Chelsea have been unlucky with injuries, but with the ANC around the corner, things will only get worse.

How apt was it to see the most detestable characters in football scrapping with each other? John Terry vs Fabregas/Eboue and Ashley Cole vs Fabregas. John Terry clearly tried to injure Fabregas which makes him a twat, but can you blame him? I am not the sort of person to wish injury on a player, but many will say that seeing Eboue go off injured was divine retribution for his double sending off last week. Fabregas is a brilliant player, but is a tedious annoyance, how long before someone punches him clean in the face, his hypocritical play acting was a disgrace and what more needs to be said about Ashley Cole? How classy of him to salute the fans who used to adore him with a cuntomary(spelt incorrectly on purpose) 2 finger gesture.

Overall I went home learning a few things about the top 4, that Liverpool will probably have to wait another year, Man Utd have the luck and steel of champions, and are the team to beat, Chelsea’s 1^st team is awesome and would have beaten Arsenal, but with a few injuries they are lacking and Arsenal are going to be there until the very end, but its not a 2 horse race just yet.

Men In Tights, Theatrics, Grand Slams And Wrestlemania.......

2007-12-14T21:19:00.000Z

I remember my school days, I was and sadly still am sometimes a big wrestling fan. From the Royal Rumble to Summerslam, I was constantly enthralled by seeing some of the biggest names in sports entertainment, touch, rub and caress each other(eewwww) . It was always Wrestlemania which I had a soft spot for, it usually fell on or near my birthday and the hype surrounding it was ridiculous. The build up for Wrestlemania would often begin a year in advance, just as the curtain had fallen on the last one. From the video montages, to the trash talking to the crazy insane fans speculating what might happen, Wrestlemania was one of those events that you felt you simply couldn't miss, purely because of the out of control marketing campaign and I have to say I literally lapped it up.

So how does this relate to football you might ask? Well, on Sunday we have another one of those grand slam events, with a hype machine almost as ridiculous as what you see in wrestling week in week out. Apparently the fixture list is generated in a totally random way, but I'm not so sure, how is it possible that the big four play each other on the same day for the second season in a row? Either way Super Duper Annihilation Judgment Grand slam Sunday will be as important as ever, the games probably wont live up to expectations, but the ramifications for the title race are clear for all to see. A win for Liverpool and Chlesea is probably a win for the premiership, whilst a win for Arsenal or Man Utd could see the the premiership leaning towards a 2 horse race.

We wont see any men in tights on Sunday or the most electrifying move in sports entertainment, but expect all the razzmatazz of a Rock vs Stone Cold extravaganza, with all the similar theatrics provided by the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo or Joe Cole. Make the most of it people , because you probably wont witness another one soon(note the sarcasm). Who would have thought that Wrestling had so many similarities to a footballing weekend involving the top four.

Another Liverpool Player Gets Robbed..

2007-12-12T23:28:00.000Z

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/merseyside/7140110.stm

Steven Gerrard became the 6th Liverpool player to be burgled, as he led his team to a triumphant away win in Marseilles. I have a few queries though, where the hell was his security? After seeing many of your teammates get robbed, why didn't you think to invest in some serious protection? If all my mates got STD's by having unprotected sex, I would then use all my pocket money to purchase as many condoms as I could hold, to avoid getting burnt. Steven Gerrard is on £120,000 a week, he should have the SAS patrolling his house. Hasn't 50 cent got FBI agents for protection?

Roast Watch Mobile Phone Special

2007-12-12T20:02:00.000Z

Another day another story involving too many footballers and too little women, this time involving some unnamed Irish footballers, involved in "roasting" a brunette in their football kits whilst other footballers looked on.

http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/0912_soccer_stars_orgy.shtml

Any ideas on who the footballers are?

My money is on John O'shea and Robbie Keane.

Premiership Ups & Downs...

2007-12-10T12:51:00.002Z

Going Up

Derby

An away goal, wooohooo, pop the champagne.

Man Utd & Chelsea

You cant really celebrate beating Derby & Sunderland at home because these games are simply formalities, but Man Utd and Chelsea fans must have been indulging in a few thousand celebratory wanks after seeing Arsenal and Liverpool slip up. Lets be honest, these two teams are the big 2 of recent years in terms of success, and its Arsenal and Liverpool who will need to apply the pressure. Their current form looks ominous. Lets hope that Super Duper Grand Slam Annihilation Judgment Day Sunday (courtesy of Skysports TM) throws a few more spanners in the works to make the title race the most exciting ever.

Portsmouth

They have the best away record in the league, and are right in amongst the top spots. Unfortunately Africa will rob them of most of their good players in January, but for now they can celebrate having a dodgy but brilliant manager and a great team, with so much power and pace its scary. Just look at how Muntari bundled Reo-Joker off the ball on Saturday, the word “owned” comes to mind.

Yakubu & Everton

A great hattrick, which was marred only by the awful female commentator Jacqui Oatley on match of the day. Jesus wept. The most prolific striker in the premiership over the last four years apart from that French dude, feed him and he will eat all your groceries, but give him some good service and he will score loads of goals. Everton are on a superb run of form, bar the Clattenburg show in the Merseyside derby. They will probably be the closest team to any of the top 4 come the end of the season.

Giggs

100 goals = Legend

Tottenham Hotspur

Finally a win against a decent side, although it was slightly fortunate. Maybe now spurs can go on that charge and snatch that 4th spot. lol

Going Down

Liverpool, Voronin, Riise and Momo

A team harbouring dreams of lifting the premiership title does not necessarily have to win every game, or go unbeaten for a whole season , but what you must do is win games against the lesser teams away from home. You have to wonder what goes through the mind of Benitez sometimes, after your best spell of the season, you then decide to play a formation similar to something out of a horror show.

Yes Reading were very fortunate, and Liverpool probably should have taken the points, but there are some seriously bad smells in the Liverpool team which need to be eradicated if things are to progress how they should.

Voronin – To quote a Jay-Z line “Had a spark when you started, but now you’re just garbage” When you get past the porn star cult status, and amazing ponytail you don’t really have a great player, even for free he doesn’t seem worth the money, but to be fair to him he was playing on the wing, totally out of position.

Sissoko – Where has this premiership player disappeared to? At one point he was a superb wrecking ball of a player, now he is simply awful and lacks the most simplest of skills in football. Momo’s greatest achievement this season will be passing to a Liverpool player twice in a row, if he does that he will surely be up there for sports personality of the year next season. Awful.

Riise – Cant cross, cant defend, has no pace, has no positional sense, but he can hit a ball 200 miles per hour, not a great gimmick anymore seeing as he hasn’t scored a goal this season.

Combine these 3 with Rafa’s crazy tactics and you have a recipe for disaster, putting Crouch on the left wing is like asking Rhydian from X-factor to perform 50-Cents’s new single, it was a complete and utter horror show. I personally think Rafa has every right to rotate, but only with the correct players, players with a degree of quality. With Rafa substituting Gerrard with 20 minutes to go you have to wonder where his priorities lie, will a European knock out spell the end of Rafa or a resurgence in the league?

Arsenal

The invincibles became the invisibles at the Riverside, we always wondered whether their squad could handle injuries to key players, and clearly they struggle without Hleb and Fabregas. Their midfield on Sunday was as creative as splashing paint on a canvas and calling it art. Without their injured midfielders arsenal may struggle over the busy Christmas period. They certainly need one of Hleb or Fabregas to return for the Chelsea game or they could be in big big trouble.

Eboue

An odious, treacherous, scumbag, disgraceful, cheating, child murdering ……(insert as many negative expletives as possible) type of player.

Ronaldo

As talented as he is, he still feels the need to dive like an absolute twat, you have to feel that the referee last week is now fully vindicated for giving him a yellow card. Funnily enough you didn’t see Fergie come out telling the world that Ronaldo conned the referee, of course you didn’t.

The Fa Cock-Up

2007-12-06T15:29:00.000Z

I hope you are all loving my Sun style headline, I think its great. Anyway, last week we saw the draw for the FA. Cup 3rd round, and predictably enough Man Utd were drawn away to Aston Villa again, and are ultimately out of the cup, because like I said before its always Christmas for the champions at Villa Park. So I did some detective work and came across a video on YouPorn, sorry I meant YouTube, which seems to suggest that Villa drawing Man Utd was due to an absolute cock up with the draw.

Here is the video, notice Sammy Nelson attempting to cover the number of the second ball after apparently reading the number wrong on an earlier ball which meant Villa got Man Utd. This looks like the worse cover up since Enron tried to convince the world that they were a well run company.

Ref Justice, Broken Fetlock and Mr Potato Head.........

2007-12-06T12:58:00.000Z

Well....how about that then, that feeling in my gut that the Toon would get a point wasn’t just the previous night’s Chinese.

The game itself wasn’t the most entertaining...although I did miss the opening 25 minutes due to being at a Christmas dinner. AdebayCAN SCORE, opened it up with a beautiful goal, but after that, the lack of Arsenal chances was quite out of character...that’ll be the lack of creativity I predicted then.

Newcastle for their part played as I expected, like their manager’s job depended on it. Maybe that statement they made was sincere. However, as with the honeymoon period that follows a new manager being in put place, I think they’ll be back to their usual ways within a couple of games.

Overall though, Newcastle deserved their point, and I don’t think Arsenal fans will be overly disappointed with a point in the arse end of nowhere on a cold December night. It’ll be interesting to see how they get on now against Boro on Sunday, the same players will be missing and whilst Boro have been pants this year, this will be a chance to raise their game and prove their not a bunch of wasters.

A mention for Mike Dean as well, what an absolute waste of space that man is. Twice in the final 5 minutes, Adebayor was threatening to break away from whatever rubbish defender was tracking him, and was twice bundled over quite clearly. Yet the useless wanker didn’t give a thing....joker.

Elsewhere on planet football, the Toffees got a late winner against the new Russian champions, and secured qualification to the last 32 of the UEFA Cup....but does anyone really care though. Maybe only if you had Arteta in your fantasy team and had to watch him miss a penalty.

On-the-Bench’s newly crowned worst diver (or should that be best?), Didier Drogba’s could be ruled out until February with a knee injury. Good news for the rest of the chasing pack, because as much as I hate the ugly cunt, he seems to bring a lot to the team. I’m sure Phillipe Senderos will be having much sweeter dreams knowing that there’s no chance he’ll have to face him next week. It’ll be interesting to see who replaces him up front, because the Chavs always seem a little light up front beyond the big man, Kalou and Shevchenko don’t quite pose the same threat, and is Pizarro even still alive?

The England manager search rumbles on, with Brian Barwick (or Mr Potato Head as he was compared to in one of those crap free London newspapers), trying desperately to find someone willing to take the job. The reports today are that his ‘short’list is Maureen, Cappello, Klinsmann (surely it would be suicide to appoint a German, personally I don’t give a flying fuck, but the xenophobia in the papers would be alarming...we’ve seen it before!), Lippi and O’Neill. Not a bad bunch really, but who seriously thinks he’ll get any of them. Barwick just doesn’t seem to have the personality to convince some of those greats to give up their life, and private life, for a cause they won’t exactly bleed for. We all know money talks, but imagine having that fuckwit as your potential boss. I’ve been getting major déjà vu about this whole process, this is how it all played out two years ago, and ended with McClown being appointed....my prediction, he dicks around for a few weeks, gets rejected by all the big guns (again), like a fat girl trying to get a prom date, and winds up with Fat Sam once the Toon has reverted to type.

Luis Hernandez

ON THE BENCH

Things I Miss About Football..

Bonkers Barton Has Crossed The Line

Things Currently Annoying Me In Football....

Lazy Punditry Just Needs to Stop...

LFC are the biggest losers...not Suarez

No Sympathy for Steve Kean...

Things I Miss About Football....

Things I Miss About Football....

Premiership Ups and Downs.....

Chicharito? Suck My Golden Balls

An Apology

Premiership Ups and Downs.....

The Great Sack Race

Football? Bah Humbug

Back in August 2011

Ups & Downs...

An extract from Torres' autobiography.....

Who's Worse....Alan Smith or Emmanuel Eboue?

2 Angry Men......

Cult Heroes.....Djimi Traore

My Weekend Football Rants......

David Beckhams Condoms.....

David Moyes, says what we have all been thinking....

Spur's Fan Gatecrashes Team Photo

WTF!!!, moment of the weekend....

**Tw*t Watch**

De- Motivational posters of the weekend....

Tottenham players get a bit too excited....

Premiership Ups and Downs

Champions League Questions....

FA Cup Ups & Downs...

There's Only One Ronaldo....

Football Is Sh*t

Carry On Adebayor.......

Randoms questions from a disillusioned man....

Vote for Us, Vote for Us...

Capello's New Regime

Window of Opportunity?

Keegan Appoints Wise...Photocall

Cult Heroes......Tino Asprilla

You're Not Singing Anymore

The Return Of The Brazillians From Africa....

Kevin Nolan Loves You

Premiership Ups & Downs...

The King Is Back.........

***Roast Watch - Cristiano's Back!***

PROSTITUTE loving soccer ace Cristiano Ronaldo has been up to his old tricks again—jetting off for a sleazy orgy with TWO Rome vice girls.

Keegan Signs Shaun Wright Phillips

One down, One to go! - Ross' Response

One down, One to go!

Return of the Goal Poacher?

Isaac's Random Rants....Short Wright-Phillips & Fat Sam

Calm Down, Calm Down...Carragher In Fan Fight Fury

F.A. Cup Ups & Downs.....

The "A" Team

West Brom - Arsenal of the Championship

***Roast Watch*** Joey Barton Strikes Again

Boozy Barton boob rub shame

Shut Your Mouth!

Premiership Ups & Downs...

***Twat Watch***

Championship Corner

Premiership Ups & Downs....

***Roast Watch*** Micah Richards Mobile Phone Special

England ace in sex roast shame

New shocking video reveals two players in vile orgy

ENGLAND ace Micah Richards has been caught ‘roasting' a young girl fan in a sick sex video passed to the News of the World.

Random musings from the past week...

**Roast Watch** Festive Special

Disgusted

I Love Dirk Kuyt....

Premership Ups & Downs

Kofi's Perspective on Grand Slam Sunday...

Men In Tights, Theatrics, Grand Slams And Wrestlemania.......

Another Liverpool Player Gets Robbed..

**Roast Watch** Mobile Phone Special

Premiership Ups & Downs...

The Fa Cock-Up

Ref Justice, Broken Fetlock and Mr Potato Head.........

Roast Watch - Cristiano's Back!

Roast Watch Joey Barton Strikes Again

Twat Watch

Roast Watch Micah Richards Mobile Phone Special

Roast Watch Festive Special

Roast Watch Mobile Phone Special