Worst Diver In The Premiership

Diving is a hot topic almost every week in the Premiership, none more so though when Cristiano Ronaldo was booked by Rob Styles after tumbling over Niemi's challenge at Old Trafford on Monday Night. There is no doubt in my mind that Ronaldo's reputation counted against him when Styles made his decision and if that is the case then perhaps there was some form of justice.

Diving is an increasingly technical art form. Who can forget Robert Pires a couple of years ago against Pompey when he managed to get penalty by kicking an opposition defender. Fast forward to today and there are number of players who are normally at the centre of any simulation scandal in today's game.

We have Steven Gerrard, though who maybe a brilliant footballer, can also be a prat of the highest order at times. Although he rarely dives on the floor without contact, he often will get a referee to give a free kick just by looking at him and imploring that he was indeed fouled. He also appears to have a way with words as proved when his spiel managed to convince Mark Clattenburg to send off Tony Hibbert when he was initially going to just book him.

Joe Cole at Chelski always seems to pretend that he has been shot in the back when ever he receives the slightest bit of contact. Either that, or he rolls around like a pregnant woman who has just had a nasty fall.

However, these boys came nowhere near to winning last week's vote which has seen Didier Drogba crowned as the worst diver in the Premiership.

As shown above, Didier is not the only person who makes meals of challenges, but the thing that gets on people's tits is that he is built like a brick shithouse yet screams like a girl if anyone makes the slightest bit of contact. If he was a little fucker then it would probably seem a bit more realistic but when you are arguably the biggest bully in the Premiership then it is hard to take.

The way the horse faced one tumbles to the ground at times is a disgrace and its as if a sniper is at pitch side. To be fair to Drogfather, he has admitted in a TV interview that he is in fact a cheat

"Sometimes I dive, sometimes I stand."

Drogba quickly backtracked on this statement, saying that it got confused in translation, but I think we all know he was telling the truth. Here is an example of the Ivorian's scandalous behaviour as shown last year against Liverpool.



Didier Drogba...you are officially the worst diver in the Premiership.

Sunil

The British Are Brainless.....

Maybe Malouda is actually onto something here, he seems to have unravelled all the problems in English football and English culture in one sensational rant.

Lets analyse what he has said,

"During the actual games [in England] it is as though everybody's brains are switched off,"

Sorry Malouda i think you have got it all wrong, you see you have put brains and english footballers in the same sentence. I seriously doubt that off the pitch Joe Cole and John Terry divulge in intelligent conversation about War and Peace or Crime and Punishment, their brains are constantly turned off.

"People play by instinct, spontaneously, in the way they did when they first discovered football. Training sessions here are terrifying. They are just like matches, and you go flat out."

Many of them have just discovered what real football is, the criteria for being a successful English footballer these days involves being 6 foot tall, as strong and as quick as possible, they then introduce the football to you at the age of 26.

"The people at Chelsea don't control what the players eat,"

Probably the most obvious thing he could have said, I have always wondered why Lampard is as fat as he is, I thought the shoving the pizza in the oven celebration was enough, but giving a man like Fat Frank free license to eat what he wants is simply a recipe for disaster.

And Finally, Malouda attacks the our wonderful English culture.

"I have only just had a phone line put in," he admitted. "Things are not as simple over here as they are in France. You can't just go into a shop and 'bingo' they come round the next day to install your equipment. In a way, I've enjoyed getting myself out of the shit by myself as I have often had to do in my life.

"The traffic in London goes at a snail's pace at times, so sometimes I end up taking the Tube."

To be honest he isn't really lying here is he, took me ages to get my broadband set up in my room and the traffic is an absolute nightmare. As for getting out of shit, I'm not too sure about that, sounds very messy, reminds me of 2 girls and 1 cup(sorry).

Premiership Ups & Downs...

After last week's Roast Watch shenanigans, its back to the bread and butter of the Premiership weekend. Here are the latest Ups & Downs

Going Up

Liverpool

Liverpool produced a superlative performance to destroy Bolton at Anfield as they again showed that they are not out of the title race. Stevie G may have been garbage for England but his club form at the moment speaks for itself and he was at the centre of all of Liverpool's good work on Sunday. What must also not be forgotten is that Liverpool's excellent form has taken place despite the absence of Pennant, Alonso and Agger, who are all arguably first teamers even in Rafa's rotational rota. This has been Liverpool's best start for many years and Rafa's rotation means that his team normally finish strongly after Xmas and even Harry "playing for a new contract"Kewell looks sharp. His rotation policy can only really be judged at the end of the season, but its looking good so far and 21 goals in 5 games is simply awesome. All he needs to do now is keep his mouth shut to make sure he doesn't get booted out as the Reds look to mount a serious title challenge.

Arsenal

The Gooners gained an impressive victory against a resurgent Aston Villa to stretch their lead at the top of the Premiership. The first half was a masterclass in football and you wouldn't known have known that Fabregas was missing as they handed out a pure footballing lesson. This was despite falling behind to a Gardner goal early on. Aston Villa's record against Arsenal is almost as bad as against Manchester United. The last time they beat the Gooners was when Dion "Long Schlong" Dublin (or so I have heard) bagged a hat-trick. I think that when Gardner scored even the players and fans alike knew that they would capitulate as they did against Manchester United a few weeks back. And so they did as some superb one touch football resulted in goals for Flamini and Adebayor before the break. Adebayor has ditched the celebratory jig and instead indulged with some hand clapping gayness with Eboue after his bullet header put Arsenal in front. Not sure if he picked the moves up at a playground or something but I wasn't particularly impressed.

Villa turned the screw in the 2nd half and Carew was unlucky to hit the post but overall it was probably a deserved win for the Wengerboys as they maintained their unbeaten start. Hleb was again the outstanding performer. The only person who I think can dribble better than him is probably Michael Jordan in his heyday. Hleb has been superb this season, and whilst his prettier partner has been getting all the glory, i think Hleb has been the real star of the show.

Ronaldo

The cheeky winker was in dynamic form as Man Utd comfortably overcame Fulham at Old Trafford. The only blemish was a booking for diving late on but even that looked a little harsh. Probably the best player on his day in today's Premier League.

Bentley

A few weeks ago we weren't sure whether his was Betnely or Bentley but there is no doubt that the midfielder is having an outstanding season as his two piledrivers heaped yet more pressure on Big Sam and reaffirmed Blackburn as top 6 contenders this season. Not sure if that ginger cheerleader was there on Saturday but if he was I am sure he was going positively mental. However, there are rumours he may be kicked out after he tried to get the crowd to spell out the name of player Zurab Khizanishvilli. Think about it...." Give me a Z........."

Chelsea

Another win for Avram's revamped Chelsea boys, he might look like a frog, but he is by no means an awful coach. There's no denying that come January the ANC will cripple them, but at the moment they are right in the hunt. But I'm guessing, Roman will spend another 200 billion in January to keep the Chelsea machine going.

Going Down

Nicolas Anelka, El Hadji Diouf and Disclipinary Action

Nicolas Anelka had a nightmare of Ronny Rosenthal proportions as his howler effectively handed the points to Liverpool on Sunday. Anelka got his bearings hopelessly wrong as he missed a completely open goal and minutes later Torres sealed the game with a superb finish after a brilliant through ball from Stevie G. Anelka afforded himself a wry smile after his effort, but with misses like that I don't think he will be going anywhere in the transfer window.

Diouf aka "The Camel" was back to his disgraceful best as he tried to break Arbeloa's leg in a shocking tackle which only resulted in a yellow card. The Senegalese Spitter then had the cheek to moan about the decision. That's a bit like complaining after winning £100 million on the lottery that it was not enough money for you. The cheek. However, because the referee gave a yellow the decision must stand and no further punishment taken. I am not sure why this rule was implemented but it annoys the fuck out of me. Surely he must be punished for such a terrible decision and handed a 3 match ban? Why is that decisions can be rescinded but extra punishments not enforced? I am pretty sure that when Roy Keane said in his autobiography that he intended to "do" Alf Inge Haaland, he was retrospectively punished despite already having been given a red card. What was different there? We now have the possible ridiculous scenario that Robbie Keane may be handed a 3 match ban for a mis-timed tackle but Diouf is allowed to get away scot-free for a potential career ending tackle. As Chazz Michael Michaels would say on Blades of Glory....totally MIND BOTTLING.

Titus Bramble

There was huge controversy this week as a teacher in Sudan was imprisoned for letting her schoolchildren name their teddy bear Titus Bramble. Members of the Sudanese population marched onto the streets demanding that she be handed the death penalty for such a heinous crime which insulted all teddy bears around the country. This situation has been resolved amicably but one thing that hasn't changed is that Titus Bramble is still shit. This season has been slightly light on Bramble howlers but he was back to his brilliant best as his first minute balls up handed Man City an early goal at the JJB. Hopefully there will be a few more before Xmas as a Titus Bramble Bloopers DVD would make a great stocking filler.

Guy With The Laser Pen At Stamford Bridge

Some idiot tried to shine a laser in the Drogfather's face at Stamford Bridge on Saturday. Let's face it, the horse faced clown doesn't need any incentive to dive on the floor writhing in agony so save your pen for the Powerpoint presentation on Monday morning you prat. On a serious note though, there is no excuse for this kind of thing in football.

Tottenham

Are Spurs too good to go down? Well, until they sort out their desperate defence they could be in for a relegation scrap like West Ham were last season. Their is no doubting their attacking quality but they have more holes at the back than a golf course and they need to score 4 goals a game just to get a point these days. I am not entirely sure why the perpetually injured King was not suitably replaced at the beginning of the season instead of the board spunking £17m on goal machine Darren Bent (ahem), but it is a decision which must be rebalanced in the Transfer Window or else Tottenham will be in in the lower reaches for the remainder of the season.

Ramos will succeed at Spurs, but this season is a total write off. Robbie Keane is a great player, but am I the only one that thinks that he scores meaningless goals? I know that sounds stupid, but he seems to always score a brace and then Tottenham go on to lose or draw the match. His sending off was harsh to say the least. Turn the table upside down and Tottenham might just scrape that top four finish.

Big Sam

Its almost the end of the road for Big Sam, put your house on it.

Aston Villa

Bottlers. I don’t think I need to write more. They have also drawn Man Utd in the Cup at home, and as we all know its Christmas everytime United go to Villa Park. Expect Man Utd to dump Villa out of the Cup for like the 6^th time in 10 years.

Derby

When you concede a last minute winner in a such a huge 6 pointer you know its all over. I suppose they are lucky its not technically a 6 pointer in terms of points lost or else they would be even worse off

***Roast Watch*** A Webcam Special

Another week goes by and another footballing scandal is splashed against the tabloids. I am wondering if we should just re-name this website www.roasting.com rather than On The Bench.

The latest player to be caught with his pants down is Aston Villa speedster Ashley Young. The former Watford winger has decided to perform his own webcam strip show to a young lady he had recently met. A bit like Dirty Den a few years ago I suppose

http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/0212_ashley_young_web_cam_sex.shtml

I won't go over the specifics too much but the most hilarious part of the story is that Young pretended during this sorry episode that his name was Lewis, who he named after his bum chum Lewis Hamilton. I wonder how Mr Hamilton will feel about that

Young is also apparently in a serious relationship (at the time of writing anyway) which makes the thing even more amusing.

When will these guys ever learn......

Sunil

***Roast Watch***

Just when you thought the roasting was over, another story pops up and shocks us all once again. This time it involves a team from our lovely hosts for Euro 2008 called FC Thun. FC Thun first appeared in the spotlight when they famously qualified for the group stages of the Champions League in 2005. This time their claim to fame is far less glamorous and quite simply wrong.

Here is the story in full.

Six players from Swiss first division football side FC Thun face legal charges over allegations of having sexual relations with a 15-year-old girl.

In total, 14 people face charges, authorities in the canton of Bern said. The other eight are either former Thun players, or other people linked to either some of the players, or the girl herself.

"The majority of the people concerned have acknowledged committing acts of a sexual nature with the young girl," the authorities said in a statement.

The charges come after Swiss police last week arrested 21 men over the affair, which has caused uproar in the national media.

Sex with someone under 16 years of age is punishable under Swiss law when the other person or persons involved are more than three years older.

Fourteen men with a 15 yr old, that's just wrong, so so wrong. Apparently a few of the players were unsure as to whether to have relations with the girl due to her age, but the senior players soon removed any doubt by apparently saying

"If they are old enough to bleed they are old enough to breed."

and "if they are old enough to crawl they are in the right position"

Obviously that was a joke, but it is hard to imagine exactly what was going through these people's minds. I have seen less shocking things on fictional programme's such as Footballers' Wives. Examples include a baby being suffocated by a dog sitting on it, a mother bleaching her asian baby's skin to make it white, and roastings in the resort of "La Panga" but this FC Thun episode appears to surpass all of these.

I mean , fourteen people to one girl, what was going on there? Is that in case someone pulled out with injury? Was there really any need for a substitutes appearance from the squad players? Imagine if you had 14 players all trying to take a penalty at once..surely everyone would just get in the way of each other? If you are gonna do something as wrong as bang a 15 year old girl, then don't ask all your mates to come and join in. Thats just plain stupid, but thats what you would expect of footballers I suppose and I think its fair to say that the FC Thun players must have less intelligence than an amoeba.

Stay tuned for more Roast Watch coming soon........

The Real Reason Why Blackburn Lost 4-0 Last Night..

Blackburn got hammered by Aston Villa las night, and i think many Blackburn fans may be looking for reasons for this capitulation, but I think i have found it. They must have been distracted by the male cheerleader they had on the sidelines. He goes by the name of Norman Cookson, what a joker.

Oh dear, I think for this reason alone we can rule Blackburn out of a top 6 finish this season.

Some Things Go Beyond Funny......

Here is an absolutely hilarious video of Paul Merson losing a tooth on Soccer Saturday, god only knows how something like that can happen to a human being. lol

Fast forward to 1min 30 seconds. Classic

***Roast Watch***

It has been at least fully 2 weeks since the last Roast Watch and its good to see that John Terry is well and truly at the heart of the latest sordid scandal to hit football.

The full article can be found here

http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/2511_sex_shame.shtml

The antics took place at the Wardour Club in the build up to England's dismal display against Croatia where they got a roasting off a different kind on the football pitch.

To be honest, the article covers pretty much all the sordid details so I will leave you to peruse it at your own leisure!
Sunil

A Blast From The Past.....Why England Will Win Euro 2008.

I saw this and thought it was hilarious, yes we are not all Mystic Meg, but this article is way off.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/2641675.stm

By Dan Warren BBC Sport Online January is a bleak, depressing month, brightened only by the occasional snowball fight and the fact there are no wasps. But if you are an English football fan, there is at least some reason to continue living. The recent steady flow of talented young stars has turned into an veritable torrent, with a new teenage hero seemingly unearthed every week. A brace by 19-year-old Michael Tonge against Liverpool on Wednesday, while 20-year-old Neil Mellor was scoring at the other end, added two more names to this term's astounding production line of promise. And future England manager Alan Shearer must be rubbing his sensible hands together in glee at the pot of gold maturing before his very eyes. Your say: Pick the best of the bunch? Goalkeepers Chris Kirkland, 21 now, will be the world's finest goalkeeper by 2008, especially after another five years of shot-stopping practice at the back of Liverpool's attack-shy team. Leeds' Paul Robinson, 23, is unlikely to be far behind his Liverpool rival and the two of them are likely to vie, Shilton-Clemence style, for the number one jersey for many years. Defence History has shown that every successful England international team has contained brothers, and Rio and Anton Ferdinand will form the bedrock of Shearer's defence. Rio will be the team's veteran at 29, but Anton will possess the same assured approach and, let us hope, the same "funky" goalscoring celebrations. Blackburn's Martin Taylor will be there to mop up when the siblings' rivalry causes them to lose concentration. Ashley Cole and Shaun Wright-Phillips will be devastating wing-backs, whose surging runs will leave Italians crying into their capuccinos and Germans blubbing in their bratwursts. Midfield This is where England excel, with the maverick talents of Joe Cole and David Dunn backed by the steel and vision of Steven Gerrard. With Dunn (28 in 2008) and Cole (26 in 2008) possessing maturity and talent, all England need is for Gerrard (27) to end his current run of form which is, unfortunately, rubbish. All three will be at their peak, and the onlooking David Beckham, who will probably retire from football at 30 to pursue a rock career, will smile in the stands as his successors shine. Forwards Rooney is but part of England's talent avalanche England will have so much talent up front it will be embarrassing, and other teams may concede games before kick-off to avoid the humiliation on the pitch. The original odd couple will spearhead the attack - Wayne Rooney and Michael Owen. Off the field, the pair will fight like dogs, but on the field they will combine to create flowing football poetry which will reduce even the most toughened defenders to mere shells of men. And to keep them alert, the likes of Liverpool's Neil Mellor, Aston Villa's Darius Vassell, Leeds' James Milner and West Ham's Jermaine Defoe will all be in the prime of their careers. A warning No doubt England's rivals will be gnashing teeth at the land of milk and honey awaiting fans of the Three Lions. But a look back one decade offers hope to those who thrive on England's failure. When footballers go bad: Under-21 stars of 1993 Neil Ardley Billy Kenny Eddie Newton Scott Minto Richard Hall Andy Awford The England Under-21s side of 1993 does not exactly read like a list of world beaters. For every Steve McManaman - himself an international disappointment - there is a Billy Kenny, a Neil Cox and a Nicky "Swindon Town" Summerbee. Perhaps the end to what is rapidly approaching 40 years of hurt is not quite as close as it appears.

Premiership Ups & Downs....

Going Up

Stevie G and Liverpool

Booing an opposition player relentlessly is almost certain to end in tears which it did for the Geordie fans on Saturday. After Stevie's shocker against Croatia he responded in the best possible way with a mercurial performance to silence the home fans. He scored a 30 yard cracker and had a hand in the other 2 goals as Liverpool ripped Newcastle open time and time again to maintain the Reds unbeaten start to the season. Doubts remain as Rafa continues to exchange pleasantries with the Liverpool owners but it can't really be denied that his team are still in the title hunt at the moment.

Arteta, Cahill and Everton

Mikel Arteta and Tim Cahill provided a midfield masterclass as Everton put seven goals past a sorry Sunderland at Goodison Park on Saturday. Although Arteta didn't get himself on the scoresheet he was a constant menace to the Sunderland rearguard and Tim Cahill continued his excellent goalscoring form. Everton have responded in fine fashion since they were mugged by Mark Clattenburg in the Merseyside derby and are consistently one of the better teams to watch in the Premiership these days. They have added a touch of class to their high tempo game and will undoubtedly be in the mix come the end of the season

Sven and Manchester City

You can't deny how much Sven is loving life at the moment. Seven straight wins at home, as well as the country beginning to think he actually did a good job managing England. The last time he was this happy was probably when he was banging Ulrika Jonson a few years ago. Stephen Ireland slammed home a stunning volley to snatch a last gasp win as City remain in the top 4, something which was unthinkable at the start of the season. Thankfully for those in the City of Manchester stadium, Ireland's celebration was more family orientated this time and he decided not to show off his meat and two veg. Well done Stephen.

Arsenal

Arsenal are like the ultimate cock-tease. They keep you hanging on and on, thinking that you may get some result for all your effort and endeavour, only to wait till the very death before killing you off and sending you home holding your balls. For so long it looked like they would be held by Wigan on Saturday only for Gallas to merk Titus Bramble at the near post and effectively settle the game. Whilst his dodgy haircut may leave a lot to be desired, it can't be denied that he took his goal brilliantly, almost like a centre forward in fact.

Robert Green

Even as an Englishman he must be feeling smug after again proving what a good keeper he is after Scott Carson' debacle in midweek. His last minute saved Defoe from probably being bundled by the West Ham faithful

Niko Kranjcar

After scoring with a tame effort in mid-week the Croatian showed what he is actually capable of as he ripped a free kick from fully 30 yards out against Birmingham on Saturday to help condemn a managerless Blues to a home defeat.

Going Down

Sunderland and Paul McShane

Sunderland were annilhated on Saturday as Everton put them to the sword. As if having one of the worst haircuts and being ginger wasn't bad enough for Paul McShane, his antics on Saturday would hardly have endeared himself to the Sunderland faithful. He looked like bambi on ice for most of the game, as Everton's tactic of lumping the ball 50 yards long in his direction proved his undoing. I would not like to have seen Roy Keane's reaction to his performance after the game. Hopefully, he gave him the hairdryer treatment, although with any sense he may have sent him to the hairdresser's instead. People used to say that Jason Lee's pineapple cut used to effect his performance, and I wonder if McShane's mop is causing him the same trouble. The Mackems have a huge game against Derby next week. If they don't win that then the alarm bells will be ringing loud and clear for Roy Keane

Stephen Cunt (yes very clever I know)

The Reading winger tried his best impression of Jackie Chan as his kung fu kick on Fernandes provided one of the most distasteful moments of the season so far. How he got away with this I am not entirely sure as the referee saw the incident but decided only to book him.

John Terry

The England captain is a disgrace, what really gives him the right to throw a football at referee? His reaction to Essien's sending off was further evidence that Terry needs to be knocked down a few pegs. Once again the England captain sets a great example for the kids.

Man United and Fergie

Man United stumbled at the Reebok as Bolton's strong arm tactics did the job. Kevin Davies and Evra were at each others throats all game much to the distaste of Fergie. I sometimes sympathise with managers but its hard to stomach when Fergie blames referees, especially after the amount of times that Man United have been awarded phantom penalties in injury time at Old Trafford. United looked fairly toothless without Rooney and Ronaldo and will be hoping that these three dropped points wont prove costly at the end of the season.

Richard Kingson

The Birmingham goalie had a nightmare of Scott Carson-esque proportions as his howler helped Harry's League of Nations grab another three points to maintain their charge towards Europe.

Boro and Southgate

They often say that a team mirror their manager. Well, there can't be a better example of this than at Middlesborough where they are extremely ugly and can't score to save their life. Southgate hasn't found a way to replace the goals of Viduka and the Yak and things are looking pretty desperate for the Euro 96 villain. His team can't keep clean sheets either, and Woodgate was given a roasting by Agbonlahor on Saturday as Boro slumped to a 3-0 defeat in front of their home supporters.

Lawrie Sanchez

Comparing England's failure to qualify for Euro 2008 to Fulham's inability to hold onto a lead makes him an absolute complete and utter loser.