Window of Opportunity?

So 31 January 2008 is nigh and so nears the end a month of frenzied transfer activity. I for one have not been the biggest fan of the transfer window ever since its inception and I think that its introduction has only gone to strengthen the biggest teams in the country at the expense of those with less stature.

The likes of Manchester United and Chelsea are able to spend heavily in the summer, building up their squads, knowing that their any major injuries or suspensions will be catered for and their will be no need to take any emergency action.

However, teams such as Bolton and Reading cannot compete in terms of spending power and so are unable to carry such huge squads on the off chance that they undergo such a crisis, which can prove extremely costly. An excellent example of this occurred a couple of years ago when Watford’s top striker, Marlon King, was injured a couple of games into the Premiership season and after the summer window had shut. As a result, Watford were unable to sign anyone to replace him and the rest is history, as they were relegated without a whimper.

Fans are deprived of months of transfer gossip and the palpable buzz that arrives when you are on the verge of a signing which could potentially change your team’s fortunes. Meanwhile, the media are forced to scratch around for other news to fill their column inches.

Transfer restrictions may also increase the chance of the “tapping up” of players, an issue that was brought to light during the Ashley Cole saga a couple of years ago.

The window is also impractical when players fall out of favour with the club they are contracted to. Footballers may not be playing but are not able to move on for many months and are so getting paid wages for effectively doing nothing, something which hits all clubs in the pockets, including the fans.

Clubs who fall into financial difficulty may also have their hands tied. A common solution would be to sell their most valuable assets for a quick cash injection, but now this cannot happen. In some extreme cases, clubs may not field their best players in case they get injured before the transfer window, thus damaging the team’s chances of pulling through the financial crisis. This will only serve to punish the team on the pitch and the supporters who pay to watch them.

Could you imagine if you only had one month to get rid of your current girlfriend and find another one? Or if you decided to leave your job but were told that you could only do so after another six months? You would be irrative, your motivation would dip and you wouldn’t be at your most productive. And also consider if you had only one month to find the job you really want. It would hardly be ideal to say the least.

Window of opportunity? I don’t think so.

Sunil

Keegan Appoints Wise...Photocall

Despite rumours to the contrary, Keegan was today photographed welcoming Dennis Wise. As you can see below it looks like a match made in heaven

Sunil

Cult Heroes......Tino Asprilla

The recent return of Kevin Keegan has brought back lots of memories for those of us old enough to remember his last stint with the Toon Army. For some it’s the crazy outbursts, or the loss of a big lead in the league. At a time when my own team, Arsenal, was falling to new lows at the end of the Graham era, it was all an interesting distraction. However, for me the enduring memory is of the footballing wizard that was Faustino (Tino) Asprilla (that’s Aspriya, no Asprilia!).

Now I’ll admit that I have an ulterior motive for this, and that is because I’m a Colombian, and to us Colombians, having Asprilla play in the premiership was a moment of great pride. Never before had one of our countrymen pulled on the shirt of a major English team.

Of course Tino came with a reputation already, considering he had played for Parma (where he is said to have declared he was a builder to get a visa), back when they were a decent team. He was also a member of the infamous USA 94 national team, which failed miserably after being given the ultimate jinx, being Pele’s dark horses. Amid rumours of drug cartels and betting rings disrupting the dressing room and a dismal defeat to the USA, (I sat in my parents’ bedroom at 2am watching that match and it was truly heartbreaking). It was said that Tino was one of many players who threatened to walk out before the game, and eventually did afterwards.

But to us Colombians he would remain a hero despite that because he also gave us the immense pleasure of being instrumental in a 5-0 demolishing of Argentina in their own backyard, something that we would never have dreamed of. In those days, we didn’t have much access to South American football, and still don’t really, so there were copies of the match on VHS that did the rounds amongst family so we could all see for ourselves.

I remember when the news broke that Tino was to sign for the Toon, and seeing the pictures of him in the car park, in the middle of a blizzard. Looking back, it epitomised the culture clash between English football and the wider net being cast to bring in talent from abroad. How they laughed at the foreigner bundled up and still looking frozen to the bone. But that all changed when he made his debut at Middlesborough. He came on as a sub and completely changed the game, and instantly showed himself to be one of the more skilful players in the country. He absolutely terrorised the ‘boro defence, with his seemingly rubber legs going one way and the ball another.

Unfortunately, despite his impressive start, he was part of the team that eventually failed to win the league, and was blamed in some quarters for this. It was felt that he broke up a successful partnership in Beardsley and Ferdinand, and was unnecessary tinkering by Keegan. Like many players who seem to have such amazing skill, he could never really find the consistency to be a regular threat.

Probably his defining moment was the hat-trick he scored in a seminal game that Newcastle won 3-2 against the mighty Barcelona. Tino and Ginola took Barca apart, and as Colombians we shared the Toon Army’s joy. Around that time I lost count of the number of Newcastle tops that I saw around the Colombian community and that game still resonates. Not long ago an uncle of mine used one of his calls from prison to ask me to help him settle a bet regarding the match because someone wouldn’t believe Tino had scored a hat-trick (no prison jokes please!).

Sadly, Tino never quite hit those highs again and it became clear that part of his inconsistency was due to being somewhat nuts and very moody. As an acne ridden teenager, I had the pleasure of meeting him at the Colombian restaurant my parents owned, and he was not in the slightest bit interested in giving any of his time to the bunch of Colombian kids who idolised him.

Around the same time his temper increasingly became a problem and he was sent off for Colombia after getting in a fight with the Paraguayan keeper Chilavert in the middle of a match. The first Colombian to get dismissed for such a crime.

He was eventually shipped off to Brazil and wound down his career at various South American clubs, never coming close to matching his previous highs. Although, infamously, he came very close to signing with lowly Doncaster a few years ago after dealing with their moneybags chairmen, even being paraded before a match. But Tino being Tino, he didn’t turn up for the contract signing and was never heard off again.

There were rumours back home that he spent all his time drinking and indulging in the high life of women and cocaine, and when you’re taken from the slums of Colombia and become a mega-rich footballer, respected throughout the world maybe its not a great surprise. Something of course that we see now, with youngsters making much more money than they could ever have dreamed of. Tino eventually did time for running amok in Colombia waving his gun in the air in a wild frenzy, although thankfully the nutter didn’t shoot anyone! He also raised eyebrows when he posed nude for the cover of a magazine.

Anyway, cheers for sharing my journey back in time, and to the crazy owner of Newcastle for re-hiring Keegan and prompting this. Tino, you were a great, but also clearly mad as a hatter, and we salute you for it!

Luis Hernandez

You're Not Singing Anymore

Having carefully observed numerous Premiership and Championship games in recent weeks, it’s clear that the general consensus is that the atmosphere at grounds is gradually diminishing. This is a topic that has been brought sharply into focus after Alex Ferguson accused a crowd of nearly 75,000 fans of producing a ‘funeral-like’ atmosphere as his side beat lowly Birmingham 1-0 at Old Trafford.

I believe that the thrill and excitement of match days has been on the wane for some time and is a trend which is becoming increasingly difficult to reverse.

After the Hillsborough tragedy, the advent of all-seater stadiums was a necessity for crowd safety but this has come at a price. As much as the brand new all-seater stadiums look fantastic and have huge capacities, there is no doubt that they can help create a vacuum-like atmosphere and they can struggle to keep any meaningful noise within their confines. Those who have visited the new Wembley will testify to this.

However, I believe that the main contributing factor has been the rapid rise of footballers’ wages allied to the television boom. When football was first born, it was a game for the “man on the street”. Fans would go to a game to spend their hard earned wages to watch people who were probably getting paid just as much money as them but had a talent and flair for football. The archetypal spectator could relate to these players, they would give them their full backing and would have their mutual respect.

However, fast forward to the modern day and times have changed considerably. Ticket prices are spiralling upwards and many top players earn more money in one week then many spectators earn in two to three years. Fans simply cannot relate to this. Now, when they attend a match, they expect entertainment, perfection and justification for the huge sums that these players are earning. This can lead to fans being anxious, critical and hoping that going to watch their team wasn’t a complete waste of time and money.

The television explosion has also meant that a full compliment of 3pm fixtures rarely occurs. Awkward kick off times has resulted in fans refusing to travel to games and instead choosing to follow their team in the comfort of their own living room.

The perceived lack of loyalty shown by players has also been a contributory factor. A fine example would be Portsmouth’s recent acquisition Lassana Diarra, who on signing for the South Coast side, admitted that if a bigger side were to come calling he would be on his way in rapid time. That’s a bit like saying to your new girlfriend that you will stay with her for now but if Jessica Alba came knocking at your door, you would be gone in a flash. It’s not the sort of thing you would say to garner any sort of support or rapport is it?

Unfortunately, this current trend looks set to continue in the beautiful game.

Sunil

The Return Of The Brazillians From Africa....

Readers of my previous blog dedicated to the 2006 World Cup will be well aware of my African heritage. This week the African Cup of Nations kicked off in my country of origin Ghana, with the Black Stars going up against the world power of Guinea in the showpiece opener. They call Ghana the Brazil Of Africa, and for good reason, yes they may have Junior Agogo of Nottingham Forest and Arsenal failure Quincy, but when they all step on that pitch it is a sight to behold, with a passing game only rivalled by the ever so annoying Gooners(yes I am clearly over hyping them, but aren’t we all guilty of getting a bit too excited).

If you have ever travelled to a country Africa, you will know all about the special saying “This is Africa”. It’s a saying used to describe all the comedy things that happen in Africa, which could only happen in Africa, astonishing things that happen, that you accept as common behaviour. When the tournament kicked off it was quite clear that we would be hearing that saying a lot of times. I said to myself “Please don’t embarrass yourself Ghana, the world is watching”, but from the moment the whistle blew in the opening match I was already hanging my head in shame.

The pitch for the “showpiece” was an absolute disgrace, as if they told the grounds men to make sure the ball cant roll more than 2 metres, with the grass so long you could only see half the ball and none of the players boots, I bet the sponsors were outraged. The match more than made up for the debacle, with the Black stars kicking off with a superb win over Guinea thanks to an absolute roaster from Sulley Muntari which he claimed was a goal which healed sickness. It takes a team with supreme skill and heart to play slick 1 touch football when knee deep in grass.

The Nigerians our bitter rivals lost out to the tournament favourites the Ivory Coast thanks to surprisingly skillful goal from the often erratic Solomom Kalou, to be honest I will put this goal down to good fortune rather than anything, with the Nigerian defence spreading quicker than the legs of a Dutch prostitute, I seriously wonder what the real average age of the Super eagles actually is? Kanu is now 52, Martins is 36 and Yakubu is nearer 35 than 25. Despite the lights failing during the national anthems, Kanoute was still able to put Mali into a good position scoring the only goal in a 1-0 win over Benin. The Champions Egypt punished Cameroon 4-2, with a sublime display of attacking football and the Angolans were held to a draw by the South Africans after a brilliant goal from New Man Utd star Manucho. How long before Man U fans tell us he is the second coming and future world player of the year? All in all it’s been an exciting start to the tournament on the pitch, regardless of the teething problems off it.

Now on to the television coverage, beware of every cliché in the book from so called “knowledgeable” such as “typical naive African defending”, “look at that robust midfield”, “The goalkeepers are so eccentric”, “look at that power, pace, power, pace, strength” and lets not forget ”the north Africans play a European style of football”. Sometimes I wonder why the commentators don’t comment on the size of the African players’ penises, might as well throw in as many urban myths(or truths) as you possible can. Also be sure to avoid the BBC’s coverage at all costs, they have done some simple maths to decide which pundits to give their “expert” analysis. I think it something like this, Africa + Football + Black people = Garth Crooks, who knows absolutely nothing about the African game or football in general, but he’s clearly the most qualified for the job(sigh). Switch over the Eurosport to watch Stan “Overweight” Collymore providing a very informative assessment of what’s really going on and what players to watch out for, I have been pleasantly surprised.

Regardless of the terrible pitches, awful commentary clichés, insane goalkeeping and terrible punditry, this years African nations will be the best ever in my book, yes I may be biased, but never has their been so many high profile African players represented in the biggest and best leagues in the world, so if you want to watch free flowing, attacking and often dangerous and amusing football, forget the Emirates, just switch over to Eurosport, you wont be disappointed.

Kevin Nolan Loves You

Perhaps I am bit naive here, but I for one have actually had no idea what Kevin Nolan's goal celebration was about until it was very recently brought to my attention. I originally thought that it was some sort of homage to metal rockers but it actually turns out that the hand gesture means "I love you" in sign language. Who or what exactly he loves, I have no idea, but I am pretty sure that its not playing football for Bolton that gets his juices flowing. So there you go, an extra bit of useless information for you next time you go to a pub quiz.

Sunil

Premiership Ups & Downs...

Going UpJoleon Lescott

He may look like a Klingon who was involved in a nasty car accident but the defender has been in outstanding form this season and continued his fine scoring form to help Everton put the pressure on Liverpool for that coveted fourth spot.

Joe Hart

Get this kid in the England squad. Now. Another great display from the former Shrewsbury shot stopper to help secure a lucky point for Manchester City.

Touchline Antics

Alex Ferguson's "fist of fury" was one of the highlights of the weekend after his United side finally overcame Reading at the Madejksi. I am not enturely sure who this signal was aimed but hopefully it wasn't at the family enclosure or else he may be in a bit of trouble with the FA.

Not to be outdone, Mark Hughes and Gareth Southgate almost came to blows at Ewood Park after Hughes cheekily threw the ball at a prone Jeremie Aliadiere. The former players were nose to nose at one point(due to Southgates enormous hooter). However, Sparky was scared to death after looking at Southgate's ugly mug and thankfully saw the light and stepped away from the scene.

Good to see things are back on the up after the departure of the Special One. I don't think that Avram will be getting involved in any of these misdemeanours though, do you?

Robbie Keane

Despite having possibly the worst celebration in football, credit to the Irishman for notching his 100th goal for Tottenham Hotspur. If he carries on at this rate, the mid-table beckons. Still laughable how Spurs were touted as Champions League Challengers at the beginning of the season really.

Benjani

Another guy with a terrible celebration but a great hat-trick never-the-less. He looks slightly like the Candyman and Derby will be having nightmares about this season full stop.

Adebayor

This guy is carrying the Arsenal front line at the moment. Although anyone could score against Fulham you can only beat whats in front of you.

Going Down


Newcastle United

After the Kevin Keegan hype machine reached match day most Geordie fans probably wished they had stayed at home after this shocking goal-less drawer against the Trotters. The irony is, if Big Sam had got this result, there probably would have been a pitch invasion, but because Keegan is in charge, the Geordie fans were still doing cartwheels after the game. Tossers

Titus Bramble

Titus may have been dreaming of an England call up after his scorcher against Liverpool but any such hopes were dashed after his howler helped tee up Andy Johnson to set Everton on the way to victory. Maybe there was a bit too much love there with the whole A-team thing going on as Bramble merked himself on a dogs dinner of a pitch at the JJB.

The guys on MOTD felt so bad for Bramble that they concocted a video showing how Titus actually did some half decent defending during the game. I nearly puked at the sentimental montage. Back to the drawing board for On the Bench's favourite figure of fun.

Fulham

With only 2 relegation spots to fill, Fulham are making a strong claim to go down. They have less up top than Keira Knightley and have a defence like a sieve. In other words, they have Delhi Belly, problems at both ends. I personally wouldnt give a monkeys if they go down, they are only up there cos of the money and their space could easily be filled by a proper team(not sure what that actually means but you get the logic)

Liverpool

I am pretty sure that Kofi will be close to tears right now so I will keep this brief. I didn't watch the game but when you get merked by Marlon Harewood, one of the worst strikers in the Premiership merely two weeks after getting ripped by Titus Bramble, then you know you are in trouble.

Rafa Benitez used all his tactical nous to leave matchwinners Babel and Crouch on the bench and instead persisted with Kewell and Kuyt. Rafa only decided to bring on the two subs until relatively late in the game and managed to rescue a point for his beleagured side who are now a massive 14 points off the top of the league. Only Newcastle have saved Liverpool from being the biggest laughing stock in British football right now (that wasn't that brief after all was it)

Sunil

The King Is Back.........

Many man many years ago I was a young man who thought he had found love, her name was Lisa. She showed me so many great times, taught me so many great things and made me see women in a different light. It was one of the best times of my life and everything seemed to go right, until eventually we just drifted apart. She brought me so close to love, but ultimately it just didn’t work out. A couple of weeks ago she rang me again, and we met up for a drink. Unfortunately she wasn’t what I expected; she wasn’t as pretty as I remembered, not as sexy and ultimately not as fun. I had got better looking and more ambitious and as the evening drew on, the memory of her beauty had quickly faded. I wish I had never met up with her, now my memories are ruined. They always said never go back, and it was an experience which fully endorsed that attitude.

Why am I babbling on about past loves you might ask? Well, a couple of weeks ago a good friend of mine mentioned Kevin Keegan returning to Newcastle, I immediately scoffed at the idea. It would be as farcical as Roy Evans being seen at Melwood or Souness being given another managerial position. Rumours then circled claiming it would be a “Dream Team”(I use the words dream and team hesitantly) of Keegan and Shearer, surely lunacy for a club with aspirations of being a top 6 side? Well, Newcastle are never ones to disappoint and in timely fashion Kevin Keegan was announced as the manager of Newcastle United. I’ts simply a crazy appointment, which could either be a masterstroke or a complete and utter circus act. Keegan has not watched football for 3 years, how is that even possible? Surely even he must have rejoiced in seeing McClaren’s circus act outshine any of his past failings as England manager? But what can you honestly expect from a club who signed the perennially injured Michael Owen for 17 million pounds and filled half a stadium to welcome him, as if he were some second coming of Christ, who would guarantee the premiership title. Some may call it passion; I just like to label it as pure stupidity.

Keegan is a bottler, a man who has a history of crumbling like a wet digestive when any pressure is applied. He threw away a 12 point lead to Manchester United during his first spell in charge at Newcastle in that classic premiership season and almost won the title, but unfortunately he was undone by some classic Fergie mind games which cost him dear and he never recovered from this. Who can forget the classic “I would love it” rant that served as an utterly embarrassing outburst which still haunts him to this very day. I bet Fergie still has a right old chuckle in his slippers when replaying this moment on youtube. The premiership is a completely different animal these days. If you go in unprotected too many times you will ultimately get burnt, its something that applies to our sex lives and also to football. That all out attacking type of play won’t cut it anymore, and if King Kev thinks it will, expect Newcastle to continue to get hammered by 4 or 5 by the top sides. Keegan will need to sort out the defence because the stench of Titus Bramble still lingers in the air of St James Park.

Keegan’s relationship with some of his current players is also a bit frosty. Michael Owen claimed in his book that Keegan scarred his career and was responsible for one of the darkest times of his life. That’s not exactly a great way to start a new relationship. Keegan has attempted to rectify this by misplacing his balls and making Owen captain against Bolton, great way to massage his ego Kev, but there really is no point having a captain who will miss half the season through injury and then hand in a transfer request because he secretly has wet dreams of playing for a top 4 side, but I’m guessing anything is better than the incredulous Alan Smith. The Bolton match was an exhibition of total and utter dross but was inevitably overshadowed by the return of the man who rejuvenated the Geordies in the 90s. Did I really expect excitement from 2 teams that Big Sam built?

Mike Ashely is a shrewd business man, he knows the fans will not turn on King Kev, where as any other appointment would not please the fans. Yes, the King may be back, but I’m sorry the mediocrity isn’t going anywhere. Unfortunately the myopic fans will see through this because their messiah has returned. Like my memory of Lisa, Newcastle fans may regret seeing their King come back and ruin the memories they once had.

Here is the video of that classic rant.

***Roast Watch - Cristiano's Back!***

Well well well, just when you thought Cristiano had been the only Man Utd player innocent of any wrong doings in the christmas party scandal, he pops up with his own tale of Roastary(yes I just made that word up). Not to be outdone, Cristiano decided to organise a party of his own shortly after accepting his 3rd place finish at the Fifa World Player of the Year awards. Don't worry Cristiano you might have been voted the 3rd best player in the world but you are most certainly the number one roaster right now.

PROSTITUTE loving soccer ace Cristiano Ronaldo has been up to his old tricks again—jetting off for a sleazy orgy with TWO Rome vice girls.

The Manchester United winker looked like Mr Clean when he SKIPPED the team's notorious Christmas party that ended in roasting and rape allegations.

He escaped the huge rollicking and massive £1million fine delivered to the rest of the side by furious boss Alex Ferguson.

But the Portuguese winger made up for lost time when he slipped away to Italy after United's FA Cup victory over Aston Villa on Sunday —and made a beeline for a seedy dive in Rome's red light district.

A source at the strip joint told us: "Ronaldo and a pal arranged for two girls to go to his hotel after leaving the club.

Shock

"They PAID for sex with the girls then SWAPPED over so they could bed BOTH of them."

It's a shock return to form for Ronaldo. Just four months ago he hired five hookers for a sex bash with Portuguese team-mate Nani, 20, and Brazilian colleague Anderson, 19, at his home outside Manchester.

And in 2005 he was falsely accused of rape by a prostitute after having sex in his suite at London's Sanderson Hotel.

Although we don't have photos of Ronaldo's most recent prostitutes, who took part in the previous orgy.

Ronaldo's latest antics are certain to land him in double trouble—first with boss Sir Alex, already livid about his club's reputation being dragged through the mud, and second with his stunning new girlfriend TV presenter Carolina Patrocinio, 20 (pictured right).

Ronaldo's new girlfriend TV presenter Carolina Patrocinio

The star's night of disgrace began with his visit to Rome's notorious Divafutura Channel club. Inside the dimly-lit basement punters are hustled to buy hostesses £120 bottles of champagne as brazen performers-who charge £35 for private lapdances—strip on a podium.

A bottle of lager costs £16— small beer to £100,000-a-week Ronaldo, 22. The star breezed in, ordered bubbly and spent about an hour boozing with a pal before choosing two hostesses to visit him at the nearby five-star Hilton.

Another guest, who saw him arrive back at the hotel, said: "He came in a cab on his own but his pal followed later with two girls.

"One was Spanish-looking, very curvy and with long dark hair. I'd estimate the girls were up there about two hours so they must have had some fun.

"I saw Ronaldo the next day and he had a big grin on his face."

When our investigators visited the Divafutura club they were shown to a table overlooking the stage and two scantily-clad Romanian girls immediately joined them.

A busty girl was midway through a striptease on the platform, ogled by a handful of businessmen. Our man said: "One of the hostesses was a pretty blonde called Nikki in a tiny black pelmet skirt and boob tube.

"The other, called Nicole, wore black fishnet stockings and basque.

"They ordered glasses of champagne at £22 a go and draped themselves over us. They made it clear from the start they were willing to have sex, wrapping legs around us and urging us to touch them."

Nicole whispered: "Do you have a hotel? We can go there and have sex. We can have a party with my friend and your friend. If you want we can swap over. I will charge £200."

She added: "We have lots of famous people who come here. Ronaldo the football player was here a few days ago—but I didn't like him. He was a bit, how you say, stuck-up."

Our reporters declined the girls' offer and left. It's a pity Cristiano didn't do the same.

Keegan Signs Shaun Wright Phillips

Details have emerged that the King Kevin has wasted no time in dipping into the transfer market as he has snapped up wee Shaun Wright Phillips from Chelski. More details to follow. The picture below confirms the deal is set to go ahead after the two were spotted in a car park exchanging pleasantries.