The Seven Commandments of English Football Journalism

I found this gem on the football365 forum, I hope to abide by all the rules outlined here, i particularly agree with number 2.

1. George Best was aptly named, and anyone who questions this should have their testicles removed via their nostrils. Arguments to the effect that his reputation was mostly based on a single matchwinning performance in a European Cup Final (putting him on a par with Filippo Inzaghi) shall be ignored. Don't mention that he won only two other medals in his career. Please use terms such as "lovable", "cheeky" and "extravagant" instead of "violent p*ss-artist."

2. Patronise African teams wherever possible. They don't have bad defenders, they are "defensively naive". A European team can be "efficient"; if they were African the word would be "plucky". African wingers might have "flair" they could certainly never be "cultured". Have you ever heard of a black playmaker?

3. Don't criticise Paul Scholes. Ever. About anything. If you perceive some shortcoming about his game or personality, you are mistaken. Revisit the situation and you'll promptly discover your error. That time he clattered viciously into the back of an opponent, with the ball ten yards away? It wasn't a dirty tackle - that's something Robbie Savage would do - it's just that, ah "Oh Scholesy, he has never really learned to tackle". If anything, you should feel sorry for him. Fifteen years as professional player and he still hasn't mastered the art of not kicking the sh*t out of other players. Poor lad.

4. The correct term to be applied to those managers who the dogs on the street know are on the take is "wheeler-dealer".

5. Don't forget that penalty Shoot-Outs are a "lottery", when in fact they clearly aren't, since they involve the most basic skill in the sport, namely kicking the ball into the goal, and from twelve f**king yards away, and anyone with a modicum of talent can manage that more often than not (I have regularly proved that the reverse is also true). Ignore the seeringly obvious fact that a stronger team will beat a weaker team on penalties more often than not, just as they would in a match lasting 90 minutes, since good players score and save penalties more often than bad ones. Perpetuate the idea that teams who are eliminated on penalty kicks are unlucky, in spite of the fact that both sides invariably spend most of extra time rolling the ball across the back four because they're terrified to make any attacks.

6. Remember The English national team is a sleeping giant: a genuinely world class outfit which constantly and mysteriously underachieves at every major tournament. Disregard that over the last ten years they have outperformed Netherlands and Spain, big football nations who don't spend half as much time p*ssing and moaning. Ignore their spectacularly efficient ability to qualify for major competitions (especially if a foreigner is in charge). Skew all statistics so that only quarter-finals of said competitions are relevant to discussions. And then draw no attention the seeringly obvious fact that the reason why they don't do any better is that English teams are tactically staid and crap at retaining possession of a football for longer than it takes "Stevie G" to belt a grandstanding 70-yard pass to someone who doesn't really want it.

7. Zidane is great despite doing shag-all during the first five years of his career (and then winning only a moderate amount of stuff in teams packed with the best players in the world). Conversely, anything Cristiano Ronaldo has done in the first five years of his career can be disregarded because he's an effeminate diver.

by "and rasiak gives chase" from the Football365 forum.

Something For The Ladies.....

For all the girls out there that take an interest, but aren’t going to try and be sporty spice about it – my monthly round up all the Premiership shenanigans is for you. I’ll be keeping you up to date with what you really need to know, whose name to drop and what not to say around the office cooler on Monday morning.

It’s coming around again

We all know that long after the football season is over and the trophies have been won, the banter goes on and the speculation begins. The absence of any sun these last two months has meant that most of the papers, websites, men, have gone into a transfer-induced frenzy. There is however, no need to panic - we will not be memorizing all the new players. I think we can probably condense all those column inches, all those dead trees, into 3 main stories. These are the stories that you need to know if you are going to have any hope of properly getting into this season. I must also forewarn you, that my own allegiance may have had some bearing on the stories chosen, but really, I couldn’t care less.

Story one: Thierry Henry has left Arsenal to go to Barcelona.

This is important because Arsenal are beginning to look like a team with nowhere to go but down, but probably more so because it still burns all those Gooners out there. Consequently, fellow team mate Ljungberg has also jumped ship to join ‘I can’t believe they got away with it’ West Ham. The team is haemorrhaging. Will they be able to compete without their apathetic star? No!

Story two: Liverpool have signed Torres from Atletico Madrid.

This is big news because he is a record signing for them and because apparently he’s quite good. Earn brownie points in all conversations by musing over his ability to adapt to the Premiership quickly and whether he’s the missing piece of the jigsaw for Liverpool.

Story three: We have a tie for this one. Either choose the Tevez transfer saga – i.e. will he be playing for Man U or West Ham? (Nonchalantly mention the irony it was his goal against Man U on the last day of season that kept West Ham up for maximum impact) No doubt this story’ll still be rumbling on come the 11^th August. Personally, I find the details far too tedious and the man far too ugly to give any more thought. So you should choose Spurs signing Darren Bent from Charlton. Spurs are a team on the up and Bent is home grown talent. It’s win-win.

So there you have it. Simply remember these 3 stories and you’ll be well versed for the evenings of entertainment with Lineker, Lawro and Hansen.

Catch you in a month girlies.

Charlotte

Sometimes You Don't Need Words....

Hilarious......!!!

Community Shield Match Report - Man Utd Edge It On Penalties...

Man Utd won the Community Shield thanks to some uncharacteristically good goalkeeping from the man we all like to call “Blunder” Sar. The whispers coming out of Old Trafford suggest that it’s only a matter of time before Ben Foster is the No.1 goal keeper at Man Utd. But with Foster sidelined with a cruciate injury and Van Der Sar producing a fine penalty saving performance yesterday, its clear Man Utd may be stuck with bean pole goalkeeper for a few more months to come.

You have to wonder whether the mind games have begun already. Prior to kick off Mourinho announced, that they would be without their 2 most important players, Drogba and Terry for an unknown period of time. Of course this gives a lot of hope to the rest of the premiership; but what are the chances of us seeing Drogba start the Birmingham game on Sunday? I think the chances are very high. Mourinho is clearly revelling in the underdog role at the moment.

Chelsea started the match with no recognised striker, with Joe Cole, SWP and Malouda leading the line. As you would expect they struggled to break down the United defence, with the long ball tactic strangely ineffective, especially considering the combined height of Cole and SWP as approx 6ft 2”. Man Utd dominated early proceedings, with Evra looking particularly dangerous on the left wing. After some clever interplay between Evra and Ronaldo, Evra produced a brilliant cut back which found the ageing Giggs who produced a clinical finish to give Man Utd a much deserved lead. Thankfully Giggs decided not to whip off his top and race around the pitch as he did 1999, reminding everyone that he has the equivalent of the Amazon forest on his chest.

As we all know Chelsea are the most resilient team in world football, and promptly equalised after some brilliant Drogba-esque play from new signing Malouda. After a long ball from the hugely impressive Ashley Cole, Malouda latched onto it and bullied the life out of Rio Ferdinand, in a manner similar to a blow up doll on a stag night. He then produced a superb finish with the outside of his left foot that any striker would be proud of.

"Oi Rio, you got murked!!!!"

Man Utd then continued the apply the pressure with Ronaldo producing some fine footwork, which culminated in him being denied by a brilliant save from Petr Cech.

The introduction of Pizzarro gave Chelsea more of an attacking impetuous, but penalties were as inevitable as a wet English summer. I’m still wondering why Cech continues to wear that headgear? Its probably like contracting an STD, you soon realise that not wearing a condom isn’t really a good idea. He proceeded to take it off for the penalty shootout and didn’t come close to saving any of the penalties, makes you wonder whether the helmet is the source of his incredible saving abilities.

Van Der Sar produced three decent, but rather bread and butter saves to deny Chelsea; with Lampard missing yet another penalty, which was probably his most noticeable contribution on the day. So Man Utd take the psychological advantage into the league season, and Mourinho is as deluded as ever claiming that Man Utd were not the better side (shades of Anfield 2005 and 2006 spring to mind). Let’s not forget Chelsea are the only side to lift the trophy and go on to win the league that season in the last 9 years, so maybe it’s a blessing in disguise for Mr Mourinho.

Man of the match

Ashley Cole, he was instrumental in nullifying the Ronaldo threat again. I think Ronaldo’s family have probably migrated firmly into Ashley Cole’s Pocket.

H.G. Wells “Invisible Man” Award

Goes to Frank Lampard who was totally and utterly abject. I can’t think of one noticeable contribution he made throughout the whole match. He probably makes more of an impact on a weighing scale than he does on a football pitch these days.

Community Shield Preview - Sunday 5th August. 3pm Kick Off.

Last year's Premiership champions take on the 2007 F.A. Cup winner, in what should be an entertaining appetiser to the upcoming season. Many may regard the shield as a minor trophy; im sure we all remember Roy Keane's grimace when he lifted the trophy in 2003. Winning it could be likened to getting your first grope in the school yard, its nice but ultimately you're looking for something more fulfilling. Regardless of this fact, you can't underplay the rivalry between these two great managers. Even through the bottle of wine they may share, success will always outweigh the unorthodox friendship they have. Man Utd will want to gain revenge for their F.A. Cup defeat, and Chelsea will want to remind the world that their dominance of English football is far from over.

The Community Shield is always a great chance to mull over new signings, and get far too optimistic about the season ahead. Who can forget Shevchenko's classy equaliser in last season's Community Shield(which was the winner according to the London Paper, truly shocking journalism), which made many a Chelsea fan feel like 30 million pounds was money well spent. This year we probably wont be seeing Anderson and Hargreaves, but I'm looking forward to seeing how Nani, Malouda and Sidwell fit into their respective teams.

The new, improved, apparently calmer and less confrontational Mourinho, has already been up to his old antics by appyling some early pressure on his closest rivals. He has cleverly placed the "big spender" tags on Liverpool and Man Utd, alleviating the pressure on his team this season, regardless of the amount he has spent in the last few seasons. Chelsea's spending this season has resembled a trip to Oxfam; picking up Sidwell, Pizzaro, Ben Haim and eventually Alex for less than a pound. A far cry from the days when they were spending £200 million(the equivalent of Liberia's G.D.P) in the close season.

So the pressure is well and truly on Man Utd, they are the champions and they have spent enough money to feed a small country 5 times over. Ferguson is a man who thrives on pressure, after 20 years in the game, surely he's far to experienced to crack?

My Prediction.

Chelsea to win 2-1.

Breaking News .....Tevez Handicapped

Looks like Man Utd's new signing Tevez wont be playing much football next season, as he appears to be in a wheelchair. Some brilliant, yet unintentional reporting from sky sports, the use of the word handicapped is genius.

We’ve signed who?.......oh no………

Each season there are signings which have fans up in arms, in outrage or in complete and utter despair. Here is a rundown of the dodgiest transfers of the summer so far

Titus Bramble (free)

Many may say that Titus Bramble is the footballing equivalent of McCauley Culkin, in that he showed tremendous promise as a youngster but has never fulfilled his potential. I just prefer to say that he is rubbish. Bramble has been a laughing stock of football for some time now, with Newcastle fans booing him when he was playing and cheering when he was substituted. His arrival at the JJB will strike fear into the hearts and minds of Wigan fans and players alike. Bramble makes errors regularly, and when he does, they tend to be big, very big.

Souness’ decision to partner him with Jean Alain Boumsong probably did little to inspire his confidence but Hutchings choice to make him the lynchpin in a defence fighting for relegation is probably the worst decision since George Bush and Tony Blair decided to invade Iraq. One thing is for sure, there will be goals-a-plenty at the JJB this season. In conclusion, as someone famously once said “in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes and Titus Bramble having a nightmare”

Here is a video full of comedy moments from our favourite comedian.

Michael Chopra (£5m)

Roy Keane has certainly not been messing around in the transfer market this summer, as Sunderland have flexed their financial muscle. Although they finished as champions last year, Sunderland lacked a 20 a goal season man and after pulling out of a move for David Nugent, the Irishman has plumped for Michael Chopra to lead the front line. Chopra had an excellent season last year for Cardiff, but the gulf in class between Premiership and Championship is huge and it is hard to see Keane justifying such a significant outlay. Chopra was bombed out of Newcastle with no other Premiership team willing to take a chance on him and he is going to have to make an early impression to convince the Sunderland faithful that he can provide the goals to stave off relegation.

Craig Bellamy (7.5m)

The season before he signed for Liverpool, Craig Bellamy had an outstanding year at Blackburn and the transfer fee was circa £6m. During last year’s campaign, Bellamy was outshone by Crouch and his ineptitude prompted Rafa to buy Dirk Kuyt. After lasts season’s disappointment he has been shipped out to West Ham for a larger transfer fee of £7.5m. Confused? You are not the only one, although it appears to be a shrewd bit of business by the fat Spaniard.

Bellamy was poor last season, make no bones about it. His on the season failings were coupled with rumours circling about his off the field antics, you don’t need to tell me about the reasoning behind his Nou Camp celebration. The hunchback has a bad reputation within the game and rumours of a return to St James Park even prompted Alan Shearer to spit his dummy out. Now THAT takes some doing. This is a big season for Bellamy to prove his doubters wrong and with Tevez set to depart; the Hammers need a new goalscoring hero. It will also be interesting to see how Alan Curbishley goes about man-managing a player with more rabbit than Watership down…perhaps he should use some golf clubs……

Kieran Richardson (undisclosed)

Just one word. WHY? Although another thing, am I the only person who thinks he looks like little Micah Sanders of Heroes…difference is, Micah actually has a talent.

No Sunshine, No Football, Just Transfers...

Fernando Torres - 21m

I think many people are aware of the striker jinx that’s has befouled many a man who has entered those Shankly gates. From Anelka to Cisse(who turned from a talented striker to a player who would keep his head down, run and usually end up in the Anfield car park, without the football) to Morientes(who made me wonder whether Liverpool had signed his slower, fatter twin brother). Many have come with big reputations and left with nothing but a scouse accent and their proverbial tail between their legs.

Is Torres the “20 goal a season” man Anfield has been waiting for? Torres has never scored more than 20 goals in a season, but you will be surprised to know that a certain Michael Owen never scored more than 20 league goals in a season for Liverpool. Many people highlight the need for a player who can score 20 goals in a league season, but how many strikers in the last 5 years have scored more than 20 goals? Henry, Shearer, Drogba, Johnson and Van Nistelrooy are the ones I can think of, and scoring that many goals doesn’t guarantee you a league title.

What price would you put on a player who can create as many as he scores? Torres has the ability to create chances for others and score them himself, which is why I think he will be successful next season. But as we all know Rafa likes to rotate his team more frequently than planet earth, so that could stifle El Nino's strike rate next season.

Eduardo Silva – 8 -16m? (Nobody really knows)

Many of my Arsenal supporting friends had to go into counseling when the news broke that Henry was being sold to Barcelona. But after al the tears had been wiped away, Wenger signed his replacement, the relatively unknown Brazilian/Croation Eduardo Da Silva.

Da silva has been in impressive form, scoring freely at international level(England fans will fondly remember) and netting 34 goals in 32 games for Dinamo Zagreb last season. That is not a record to be sniffed at, but scoring in the Croation league could be likened to England losing on penalties or Frank Lampard scoring a deflected goal, its pretty much guaranteed. His international record suggests he can make the step up to the premiership level, could he be the man to provide a Viagra dose to an impotent strike force? Only time will tell.

Darren Bent – 16.5mil

16.5 million sounds like a lot of money, especially as Thierry Henry went for half a million less, what does that mean? Is Bent a better play than Thierry? Probably not, but hes young, strong , quick and definitely knows where the goal is. I think the big question is, has Martin Jol got what it takes to utilise his strikers effectively?

How many times did we see Martin “I know how to throw away a lead” Jol make poor decisions in team selection? Could Jol’s decision to maintain his little and large comedy strike force be detriment to Bent’s chances? Bent knows he has to impress to have any chance of featuring in Steve MacClaren’s circus act and I think he will.

Voronin – Free

Many people have laughed at the prospect of Voronin actually being a decent signing, maybe it was his not so impressive strike rate? Or his porn star pony tail? Whatever the
reason you cant write off a player who impressed in the world cup more so than his 30 million pound, slower and older counterpart, and has shown undoubted class in pre season.

When the season ends I think Voronin will be a cult hero amongst the Liverpool faithful, lets hope its for reasons other than his now infamous ponytail. “We have the best Ukrainian in the league” is what you might hear from the Kop next season.

Malouda – 13.5 mil

Is Malouda the new Cygan? Both were bestowed with the honour of French player of the year and then moved to the premiership with that title. Cygan was later found to have the turning circle and pace of a tree, but Malouda has all the attributes to succeed unlike the cult legend that is Pascal Cygan.

He is strong quick and skilful, and has been likened to having a Drogba on the wing, but without all the theatrics and the atrocious perm. His experience in world cup and champions league means he knows what it takes to succeed at the highest level, I think he will be a success at Chelsea, which is probably a bad sign for the rest of the Premiership.

Nani, Anderson and Hargreaves – 50+ mil

Man Utd made their intentions clear for next season by splashing the cash on 2 of the world’s brightest talents and the ever reliable Owen Hargreaves. Nani has undoubted skill and is one for the future but I think his featherweight frame might be a problem, every time he does his back flip celebration you always feel like the wind is about to carry him out of the stadium, so how is he going to handle those windy days in Bolton? I personally don’t think he is ready for the physical nature of the Premiership, imagine Amir Khan stepping into the ring with Mike Tyson in his prime, now you have an idea of what Nani is up against.

I think Hargreaves will be the most important signing they have made so far, when Man Utd played Milan last season at the San Siro, it was like watching a sun burnt child in a park, they clearly had no protection. Man Utd have lacked a real ball winner in the middle for the last couple of seasons since the departure of Keane, and I think Hargreaves is the man to fill that role. Ridiculed for years by England fans, but how many of those fans actually watched the Bundesliga or saw his Champions league performances? Or were they blinded by the tactical ineptness of Mr Eriksson?

Anderson has been dubbed the new Ronaldinho a title which is becoming the Brazilian version of the new Maradonna. Many have been given the label and failed to live up to the hype. Who remembers Kerlon and his famous “seal dribble”? Where is he now? Anderson definitely resembles Ronaldinho, and was also developed in the Brazilian club Gremio, his skill is incredible and often breathtaking at times. He is young, and I will put my neck out and say he has the potential to be one of the best players in the world.

Welcome

Welcome to On-The-Bench, the brand spanking new blog designed for all you football nuts out there. If you want articles looking at the light-hearted side of the game then this is the place to be. We want to share with you the tears of Gazza in Italia 90, the passion of Ruud van Nistelrooy and the sheer ineptitude of the legend that is Djimi Traore. So be sure to visit us daily for all the latest news.