That's right folks, after a year away from the limelight, I am back in your face like an unwanted comeback from Steps with my expert analysis on all things Euro 2012. I will admit that like the dancing popsters, it is very unlikely that I will be hitting the heights of the glory days but I promise that at least I haven't become as fat as the the blonde one. A big shout out to the thousands of you who have been clamouring for my comeback (well one person actually), and I will try my hardest not to disappoint. Alas, there will be no Roastwatch specials for you to feast your eyes upon but I will probably throw in the odd picture of a WAG or hottie to keep your interests heightened.
Those of you who know me fairly well will know that my lack of updates during possibly the most exciting Premier League of recent times was down to a combination of a massive lack of interest in all things football at the time and also the fact I don't have Sky TV/refuse to watch MOTD when WBA lose. Alas, no such excuses this time as everything is on the old terrestrial. However, I will confess that I have not seen all the games in these Euros due to work commitments so forgive me if my analysis is complete and utter bullcrap.
Here is my take on the football fest so far....
Disappointment of the Tournament
This without a doubt has to be The Dutch who have been sent packing without even scoring a measly point. A serious lack of firepower is what has cost them as well as some Keystone Kops defending. Their display kind of reminds of Cheryl Cole (or just Cheryl as she is apparently now known). They look good, have all the attributes, promise plenty, have a lifetime of hype behind them but ultimately when they hit the main stage, their performances have been atrocious. I would still stick it to them though (just Cheryl of course).
Worst Pundit of the Tournament
This category is a tie between Messrs Shearer and Carragher. Whilst Dixon, Hansen, Martinez and even Mr Roy Keane provide insightful, technical and expert analysis on each game Mr Shearer can only help but trot out cliché after cliché such as "You have to take your chances..it's a game of 2 halves." Is this guy a white version of Garth Crooks? A complete non entity of a pundit. As for Carragher the reason he is in this category is not because I disagree with his analysis but purely and simply because I cannot understand a single bloody word coming out his mouth. I wish that Roy would stick one one him. And lets face it, he probably would enjoy it
The "You Should Retire Award"
Shay Given - Anyone else think that Harry Redknapp's wife might have performed better in goal?
Most Annoying Team of the Tournament
Whilst people w*nk themselves stupid over Spain's Tic-Tac football (or whatever its called) perhaps someone should remind them that the aim of the game is to actually put the ball in the net? Watching them play with no striker was infuriating to say the least and it was a bit like watching a slightly more annoying version of Arsenal. Watching Spain play is like playing table football. You know when you play with just those 3 guys at the top of the pitch who cant actually reach the penalty area because they are stuck there? Possession may be 9/10ths of the law but I would like to tell my hombres that the other 1/10th involves TRYING TO SCORE A GOAL.
Goal of the Tournament
There have been some humdingers so far with Robin Van Persie, Zlatan and Super Mario crashing in some fine efforts. However, for the sheer orgasmic footballing story it would have to be that Polish guy crashing in an equalizer against the Russians. Word is, when he was younger he witnessed his parents murdered in cold blood and so this truly was a fairytale for the Polish captain. I could probably fabricate some shit joke to go with this but not even I would stoop lower than a snake's belly in this instance.
Team of the Tournament
In terms of results, this could potentially be England but in terms of all out swagger it would have to those pesky Germans. Playing easy on the eye football combined with a terrific work rate, they have to be tournament favourites, and in Mario Gomes they possess a true matchwinner. Uwe Rosler would be proud
A few other observations
1) Each time a goal is scored the tannoy booms out Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes. Whilst I cannot help but hum along, am I the only person who thinks that the Chase the Sun by Planet Funk would be a much better song? Or have I just been watching too much darts??!? (link below)
Planet Funk - Chase the Sun
2) Does everyone remember when South Africa scored in the World Cup and they did that really awesome celebration to open the tournament/ (SA Celebration).? Where the bloody hell is the imagination these days? All this hugging and fist pumping is very nice but its hardly original is it? Where are the choreographed dance routines? The Dentist's Chair? Come on guys, sort it out
3) What the f*ck is going on with Rooney's hair? When I flicked on the Ukraine game I though Frankie Howard had been brought back from the dead. Madness.
4) I have to say that one of the major pluses of having the game in Polkraine is that if there is not much action happening on the pitch then the camera swiftly pans to the lovely ladies in the crowd, and my word (this one is for you Ray Wilkins), some of those Poles and Ukranians have unbelievable tekkers. Keep up the good work
5) Can someone please explain to me what those officials in the penalty box are actually doing? They never make decisions such as penalties/goal-line issues which affect the game and what the bloody hell are they holding in their hands? Telescopes? Magic Wands? Or is just something used for S & M purposes. Either way, whatever they are meant to be doing, they are clearly pointless so please can you remove them from the football brain like the tumour that they are. A thank you.