Love Island vs Euro 16..Part One?!?!

So after a couple of eventful weeks we have had our fair amount of thrills and spills, unfair dismissals, dodgy decisions and wild celebrations. That’s right people, I’m not talking about Euro 2016 but in fact the greatest show currently on TV at the moment….LOVE ISLAND 2016!

Apparently I am not the only mug at the moment watching this brilliant collection of freakshows so in their honour I have created a Euro/Love Island XI (formation yet to be decided)

It also gives me the chance to get a bit of partial nudity on the blog for you enjoyment, but as always in the interest of fairness I will be including both the girls and guys.

Enjoy!

Terry vs Cristiano Ronaldo

 

Let’s start off with an easy one. A tattooed prima donna with a greasy hair, Terry recently threw a hissy fit after his girlfriend cut up a bit of his toast in the legendary “toast-gate" scandal as well as having the temerity to wear one of his t-shirts into bed.  How dare she?  As for Monsieur Ronaldo, he may not have as many tattoos but the greasy haired one still has the same pathetic attitude, crying like a baby when things aren’t going his way, refusing to deal with the Iceland draw in a respectful manner before having a nightmare of his own against Austria the other night. The only question is, who has the bigger six -pack? The correct answer is that NO ONE CARES.

Zara (Miss GB-but don’t tell anyone) vs Roy Hodgson

  

The now departed former Miss GB has been collectively getting on everyone’s tits for some time let’s face it, both housemates and views included. Fair to say she’s been severely lacking in banter and personality for pretty much the duration.  The best thing she did quite frankly was cop off with the scaffolder from Birmingham, at least it made things a bit more entertaining. The best fit I could find was Roy Hodgson who after a rather conservative start in the first game decided to throw caution to the wind against Wales. Thankfully he didn’t jump into bed with Chris Coleman and instead he showed he could be a bit of a crazy creature and threw on two attacking substitutes in Vardy and Sturridge. Keep it coming Roy (just not in that way).

Tom vs Robbie Savage

An annoying Welshman with a ridiculous hairstyle and a propensity to be a bit aggressive and lose it every now and then.  Let’s face it, we all know Tom is beating Sophie senseless off camera and Robbie Savage is probably doing the same to Martin Keown.

Nathan vs Slaven Bilic

The loveable rogue of the group, Nathan has stuck his colours firmly to the mast with Cara with an unwavering devotion.  A bit like Slaven and his love for Dimitri Payet. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this!

Kady vs Jamie Vardy

Young, brash, direct but ultimately pretty hard to ignore, Kady has been turning a few heads in Love Island. Ultimately though you always think she is maybe just five seconds away from saying something overtly inappropriate or acting in an immature way. I’m struggling with this one a bit so I going to go for Jamie Vardy purely for his legendary if slightly bizarre slogan of “Chat Shit, Get Banged” .Though if Kady said that, she would probably be getting a few offers of a different sort in return

Malin vs Glenn Hoddle

Malin, you heavenly mixture of Sri Lankan and Swedish goodness. Always there with a kind word and looking to diffuse every possible tense situation, what would we do without you.  Your calming presence is one of your best attributes. A bit like Glenn Hoddle with his reassured and astute comments, bringing a sense of control when Ian Wright and Slaven decide to start shouting and screaming in the ITV studio.  

Right, the eagle-eyed amongst you will have noticed that I have not actually completed a full XI. The reason is that this seemed a good idea at the time but its taking a longer time than expected and I need to go and sink a few cold ones before the big game tonight. However, I may continue this next time but like Love Island I like to leave things on a cliff hanger so stay tuned!

Sunil

Bales 1 - 2 Woy's Boys

Absolute scenes in Lens as England secured their first win of Euro 2016 against Wales and to put their fate in their own hands before their game against Slovakia on Monday. Few would argue that the victory was undeserved, although victory seemed a long way away after Gareth Bale slammed home an early free kick from distance. Hodgson’s decision to introduce Vardy and Sturridge after the break paid dividends though, as Vardy’s close range finish was followed by a late late winner from Liverpool’s main marksman.

Before the game even started their were slightly unusual scenes in the tunnel as a rather frenetic Joe Hart screamed “LETS MOVE THE FUCKING BALL”. Where he wanted the ball moved from and to was a bit of a mystery but I am sure it made sense in his mind,though in my personal opinion it would further accentuate my view that with his personality I think he’s a bit of a dick. Does he ever have anything sensible to say. Perhaps he should keep his mouth shut and focus on his goalkeeping in future.

The game followed a pattern as many had expected with England dominant with the ball although they had the cutting edge of a butter knife with Mr Sterling the main culprit with a poor miss from close range.  His general performance was pretty atrocious let’s face it, and he was looking more like a £5 signing than £50m.

However, things took a turn for the worst for England when a Rooney foul presented Bale with a chance from distance at a free kick. I think I am not alone in thinking that he wouldn’t score from that far out but he managed to make Joe Hart blush who could only palm his dipping effort into the back of the net.

After this, England huffed and puffed without really creating much at all. In fact the main entertainment at this point was the horseplay between Messrs Savage and Keown in the commentary box. 

“That was a clear foul.” Says Savage

“That was a blatant dive” says Keown

However Keown then surpassed his own ridiculousness by stating that Bale was the best player in Europe. However, when Guy Mowbray correctly pointed out a certain Ronaldo at Real Madrid, Keown said “well I think he will surpass him eventually”. So that means he isn’t the best player then Martin…..

At half time, the wolves were at Woy’s door and he reacted by bringing on Vardy and Sturridge to help pep up England’s sorry attack with the lacklustre Kane and Sterling the two players to be withdrawn

Vardy brought England level with a classic predator’s finish before Wales repelled wave after wave of England attack. It has to be said that Hennessey did not really have to do much work due to the brilliant defence in front of him but Welsh hearts were broken when Sturridge scooped home from close range to send England fans into bedlam.

So what have we learnt from today’s game. The main points I suppose are that Sterling and Kane have been monumentally shit in both games, Woy actually has a pair of cojones and Vardy and Sturridge probably should be starting against Slovakia. As for Wales, although they defended valiantly for large spells, they were generally pretty poor today though in all likelihood they will still qualify.

On a personal note the result means it’s more likely that I will NOT be seeing England for the games I have tickets for.  On the plus side this means that I am less likely to be tear gassed or have my head smashed in by some Russian ultras which can only be a good thing!

Finally, I am sure many of you were watching the game at work/had skived off to watch the game. Personally being unemployed and slightly hungover I was couch bound but this little clip shows me everything that I missed out on

https://www.instagram.com/p/BGuTkIAFAkB/?taken-by=thesportbible

Sunil

Porn St*rs, Scratch and Sniff and Balls from Outer Space

Happy Monday everyone. After this weekend’s events, there are a few questions which need answering, so let’s take a look

        1)   Why is Harry Kane taking corners?

Whilst I toyed with the idea of Roy Hodgson having a personal vendetta against me due to me having a Harry Kane to score anytime wager against Russia, I think it’s fair to say that the whole of the country is completely perplexed as to why Tottenham’s main marksman is on corner taking duties

A quick perusal of the stats for the season shows that Kane has not had one assist from a corner throughout the whole season. In fact, he doesn’t even take them for Spurs, it’s mainly Christian Eriksen.

Apparently, it’s because he can “strike the ball well” which to me translates to “he can kick a ball”. Not sure why Messrs Alli, Rooney, Lallana would not be able to do exactly the same and give England the chance of having the opportunity to be in the box to actually stick it in the net.

For me it's a bit like being a famous porn star and instead of being asked to be the main star to instead step behind the camera and direct the movie. Hardly the smartest idea in the world. Come on Woy, sort it out!

2      2)   What was Joachim Low smelling?

There is a lot about to admire about the Germans, be it there ability to always get a result, their mental strength or also Joachim Low's wonderful head of hair. However, on thing I am not sure about is his personal hygiene. What exactly was going on here?  Some bizarre real life version of Scratch and Sniff?

Not content with one effort, the German manager went for another. Thankfully for everyone else, he did not go on to complete an unwanted hat trick!

Closer inspection reveals that Low actually does have previous on this.  Just ask Cristiano Ronaldo!

3) Where did Modric's ball come from?

Luka Modric spanked in a wonderful goal on the weekend with the ball appearing to drop from miles in the sky before being laced beautifully into the bottom corner. A few people have asked where the ball had dropped from, with some quoted as saying it had dropped in from outer space.  

However, the correct answer is that the ball had finally returned from this famous penalty miss from Chris Waddle in Italia 90. If you watch the videos straight after each other then you will see it all makes sense...honest

Sunil

Willy Wonka, Eddie Izzard and Magnificent Beards

As the self-described greatest football blog ever made, I appreciate that I should probably be providing some incisive analysis about the games being played on the pitch but I am going to ease in and instead first just elaborate my thoughts on the disastrous opening ceremony.

Things seemed to start off reasonably well, although Clive Tydesley probably wished that commentating on this sort of nonsense was not part of his job description, sounding like a thoroughly pissed off Terry Wogan at the Eurovision Song Contest (except without the late Irishman’s delicious irony).  You could almost hear him grimace as he commented on people dressed as giant lips….“they are famous for their kisses you know”. Poor bastard.

The music seemed reasonably on point with the Can Can and “La Vie en Rose” being blasted out on high and nothing seemed too worrying at this point. Then after a few more minutes I thought that I had dropped an E and been transported to the set of Charlie and the Charlie Factory, such was the madness that was going on in front my eyes.

Then, even more bizarrely, the organisers decided to wheel out a certain David Guetta who was prancing around and twiddling his knobs (watch it you filthy animals) as if he was closing out a set in Ibiza. I wasn't sure if he had arrived their unannounced as he looked completely out of place

Now, I appreciate the guy's enthusiasm but playing Black Eyed Peas and Akon?!? Really? Who on earth thought that would be a good idea?  I just wish he had gone the whole hog and blasted out “Sexy Bitch”, at least then we might have had some bikini clad women run out onto the pitch to help improve proceedings

Meanwhile, fresh his embarrassing performance on Question Time, Eddie Izzard was providing his football expertise within the ITV studios. Wait a minute..what’s that you say..it was Slaven Bilic?  Are you sure…? OK maybe that's just me then

Anyway, it's time for the bit you have all been waiting for. The match report!  Except that I can't be bothered any more to write a lot on this subject so I will stick to a brief summary instead

1) Payet really is the sh*t, if he continues to play like this he could be the standout performer for France. What a hit son

2) Giroud really does have a magnificent beard doesn't he?  (and also earnt me £11.50 so merci beaucoup Olivier!)

3) France probably won't win it if they keep defending like they have done tonight

Right, I'm off to catch up on Love Island. Just kidding obviously. Except I'm not

And last but not least..........Come on IN-GER-LAND!!!

Sunil

Guess who's back....back again

The eagle eyed amongst you would have noted that two years ago after the greatest ever World Cup had been concluded, I said that I would be posting during the Euros due to the likelihood of my life having not been sorted out.  Thankfully, that is actually is what has happened. Whilst I should be spending my next few months looking for gainful employment, planning a wedding and organising some home improvements (what a sorry state of affairs my life has become),  I have decided to abandon all of the aforementioned and decided to spend every day for the few next weeks watching every single game of the tournament, as well as trying to keep on top of the social media frenzy, just for your pleasure! It's a hard job but someone has to do it.

It's actually hard to believe we first posted on this blog around 10 years ago and so much has happened in everyone's lives and in the footballing world since that time.  On a personal note I have managed to scramble onto the property ladder, travel half the world, sleep with 37.5 women, appeared on a TV documentary and written for a magazine whilst in the footballing world, Sepp Blatter has been finally been felled, Steven Gerrard made the costliest slip in Premier League History and Arsenal have finally won a league title! (ok, one of those on the list was a lie)

Anyway, as you can expect, the format is not going to change for this tournament. We'll have scathing comments on each game, WAGs galore, commentary capers as well as all the fantastic and funny observations from Twitter, Instagram and such like.  I would like to believe that the legendary Roastwatch would be making a re-appearance but I think it's fair to say that in today's world it will be harder for any professional footballers to be getting up to such shenanigans so I wouldn't hold out too much for any Vardy Party action.

On a final sobering note, I will be actually attending Euro 2016 in person as I have been fortunate enough to nab tickets for the Quarter Final and Semi Final in Paris and Marseilles.  Thankfully for me, France is currently the safest country on the planet so I actually can't wait to get over there and get involved.

(As there is an extreme likelihood I could be making my way back in a coffin, I would like to take this opportunity to ask you all for a small donation in order to help pay for my likely funeral expenses)

Roll on Friday!

Sunil