Cult Heroes....Part 4

Many footballers ,as well as being incredibly thick and having a limited vocabulary which means that they can only talk in cliches, are also blessed with good looks. Beckham, Redknapp (not Harry) and Ginola are a few names that spring to mind. However, the same cannot be said of our next cult hero, Sasa Curcic, former Bolton and Aston Villa legend. Let's face it, he wasn't exactly at the front of the queue when looks were handed out. In fact, I am not entirely sure that he made it to the queue, and was probably held up in a traffic jam. Poor bastard.

The Serbian superstar arrived in the Premiership in 1995 and was an instant hit with the Bolton fans, with his dazzling midfield runs and eye for goal. In fact, he scored one of the most memorable goals of all time with a fine individual effort at Stamford Bridge which announced his arrival in the Premiership. Unfortunately, for him and Bolton, his fine form waned over the course of the season, and Bolton were promptly relegated.

Aston Villa manager Brian Little subsequently spared Curcic from the lower leagues and snapped him up for the sum of £4m. Curcic's spell was nothing short of a disaster and he failed to get anywhere near the heights he reached at Bolton. Even his bum chum Savo Milosevic couldn't help him but lets face it, that would be a bit like going to a drug rehab clinic and finding that Linday Lohan was your supervisor (not that I would be complaining).

Curcic admitted he went off the rails at Villa Park and was taking as many drugs as Pete Doherty. However, unlike Pete Doherty, who managed to rip Kate Moss, Curcic's mug prevented him from attaining such beauties. So, following his transfer to Crystal Palace, he had a nose job, presumably to also help him snort cocaine a bit easier.


Curcic then moved on for a very brief spell in the MLS, where he proclaimed to be the new Dennis Rodman (yes, I am confused as well). I can only presume he has a dong like a baby's arm. It certainly can't be the fact that he married himself as Rodman did, because Curcic was so ugly and a divorce would quickly be on the cards. Imagine what the kids would have been like.

The Serbian retired in 2000 and did so with the following magical quote.


"I would not sign for another club, not even if I was offered 15 million dollars. However, it would be different if they were to instead offer me 15 different women from all around the world. I would tell the club chairman: 'Please let me make these women happy - I will satisfy them like they have never been satisfied before'."

For that alone he is a legend.

Curcic then bizarrely went on to win the equivalent of Celebrity Big Brother in his home country, so fair play to him.

Sasa Curcic...........WE SALUTE YOU!!!!!

Sunil

Cult Heroes……Part 3

If you were to compile an all time Worst Players XI, then Francis Benali would probably be one of the first names on the teamsheet, although Kieran Richardson might give him a run for his money on his current form. So what makes Francis a Cult Hero?

Well in today’s money grabbing, mercenary football world where players change teams faster than Callum Best changes his women, Benali had that one thing which most football fans love above anything else. Loyalty

Apart from the odd loan spell, Benali spent his almost whole career at Southampton racking up over 350 appearances for the Saints. Granted, the reason he stayed so long at the Saints is because he was too shit to sign for everyone else, but that would be missing the point as Benali is the sort of player for whom the term “stalwart” fitted perfectly.

Benali couldn’t defend, could barely tackle, had no pace and couldn’t cross to save his life. Added to that his spectacular ability to score own goals and its still a mystery how he managed to become a Saints regular but I am sure he wasn’t complaining.

Benali’s inability to tackle would normally end in disaster and he regularly got on the wrong side of officials, receiving an incredible 11 red cards. His tackling was worse than that of the ginger ninja Paul Scholes. However, seeing as his position was a defender this presented a bit of a concern as it would generally be considered to be an essential part of his role. I suppose it’s a bit like applying to be a porn star and then telling the director you only have a one inch cock. You really should just be doing something else.

Benali was a shrewd man though, and in the days where footballers actually had a job after their career he joined a business venture in helping to run an Indian restaurant. It’s a shame that Benali wasn’t capable of the devastating runs that his curries were producing.

He notched just one goal during his long and not so distinguished career. A truly shocking figure but still more than that other legend, Rob Jones. Benali was also a member of the football’s dodgy moustache club which meant he looked a touch like the bastard child of Tom Selleck and Freddie Mercury. Thankfully, he had the intelligence later in his career to shave it off.

Francis Benali…………WE SALUTE YOU!!!

Sunil

Cult Heroes….Part 2

There are a number of famous people, including celebrities, who may have long and established careers, but are generally only remember for one faux pas, incident, or genuine life changing moment. Take for example, Bill Clinton. The former American President is generally regarded as one of the most forward thinking and productive leaders, but what is he generally going to be remembered for. His work in Ireland? The Middle-East? Of course not, he is going to be remembered for the fact that he stuck a cigar in Monica Lewinksky’s fanjita. Also take Hugh Grant, who as well as being known for playing the exactly same role in every film he does (bumbling, charming Brit), will always be known for the fact that he got caught getting sucked off by Divine Brown in Sunset Boulevard. You can even take all time legend, Zinedine Zidane. What will he remembered for? That’s right, committing GBH in a World Cup Final. Well, to that long illustrious list you can add Tony Yeboah. And by that, I don’t mean he also got caught with Ms Brown,

Tony Yeboah is famous for pretty much about two to three games in his whole career. Any true football fan will know exactly what I am talking about. If you don’t know what I am talking about then you can piss off to another website (ok, that may be a bit harsh).

In the 1995/1996 season, Tony Yeboah unleashed a magnificent volley to score one of THE greatest goals the Premiership has ever seen. He latched onto a Rod Wallace knockdown to send the ball hurtling past David James at rate of knots from fully 35 yards. It was one of the those goals where if he tried it a 100 times, then 99 times it would end up in Row Z. Added to the fact that this was against Liverpool and this goal has forever endeared Yeboah to the Leeds faithful (and who can forget that celebration).

As if that wasn’t enough, the week after, Yeboah scored arguably a better goal against Wimbledon at Selhurst Park. Collecting the ball 40 yards from goal, some excellent close control created some space for him to send a stunning half volley screaming right into the top corner. Cue more wild celebrations from the Ghanaian. The shot was unofficially timed at a rip-roaring 96mph. That’s a massive 26mph faster than the average cheetah and around six times faster than a turkey at full pace. I shit you not. It was once said that Yeboah had the hardest shot in the world, and this was hilariously put to the test when he decided to exhibit his powerful penalty taking abilities against an unwitting goal keeper. As the penalty was taken, the goalkeeper tried to dodge the ball, but it swerved, smashed into him and broke the goalkeeper’s ribs.

To be fair to Yeboah, his goal record of 33 goals in 62 appearances was not to be sniffed at, and he did score a couple more memorable goals, notably against Manchester United. His Leeds career ended acrimoniously, with a fall out with George Graham signalling his departure(Bung taking prick). Perhaps George got pissed off that Tony wouldn’t track back to help out his defence. However, there is no doubt that Tony will always remain in Premiership folklore.

Tony Yeboah………WE SALUTE YOU!!

(As a child I visited this man’s house in Ghana, he held me as a child and blessed me with the ability to smash volleys as hard as possible, it’s a shame I haven’t quite mastered the accuracy bit. Thank you, Tony. – Ed)

Cult Heroes.....Part 1

Mick Quinn

Cult Heroes is about those players who have retained legendary status over the years, albeit for their dodgy haircut, their terrible footballing ability or the fact you wonder how on earth they managed to become a professional in the beautiful game.

Thankfully, Mick Quinn, our first Cult Hero, ticks most of those boxes. The former scouser Centre Forward is a throwback to the days when being a footballer was about being just that, being able to kick a ball. He was from a generation from long before the new era where being a primed athlete was equally as important. Mick Quinn got paid to put the ball in the back of the onion bag, which he did on a regular basis. It is often said that a good striker will always “finish his dinner”. However, Quinn perhaps took this a bit too literally, as after finishing his dinner, he would then proceed to finish everyone else’s for them. Hence him looking like Bob Carolgees’ long lost twin. For those of the younger generation, Bob Carolgees was the rather portly sidekick of Cilla Black on early nineties show Surprise Surprise. Below is a picture of Bob Carolgees with his favourite dog (no jokes about Cilla please)

Quinn’s goal scoring record was impressive, as he rattled in 54 goals in 121 apps at Portsmouth before he moved to Newcastle where he scored 59 goals in 115 matches. A brief spell at Coventry resulted in 25 goals in 64 matches. It was often said that Mick Quinn was the “fastest player over a yard”, (perhaps that should be “fattest”). In 2003, he released his own autobiography “Who ate all the pies?” in reference to his not so strapping physique. When scoring a hat-trick in games, many players like to keep the ball as a souvenir, but it may have been possible that Quinn instead decided to eat his. In fact, the closest a player like Mick Quinn would get to a football team these days would be as a man selling burgers outside the football stadium, although there are strong rumours that Mark Viduka has modelled his game on Quinn, right down to his diet.

Mick Quinn…………WE SALUTE YOU!!!!!!!

Sunil