Premiership Ups & Downs...

Going Up

Portsmouth

Harry Redknapp is doing an incredible job at Pompey at the moment, particularly bearing in mind that they have already played the top 4. Any man that can get Benjani to score goals on a regular basis is clearly a miracle worker. Perhaps they should put Harry in charge of the UN and see if he can restore world peace.

Long range shots

There were at least four to five screamers which ripped into the back of the net on Saturday. As much as many pundits may laud great team play etc there is nothing a spectator loves more than seeing a player just smash the ball past the despairing dive of a goalkeeper. More of the same please.

Linesmen

The men in the middle always take a battering and so its about time we give them credit when credits due. Whilst Gallas' equaliser was clearly over the line how many times have we seen the officials bottle that kind of decision. No doubt that a dodgy decision from Rob Styles next week will redress the balance though. Twat.

Fat Frank

I don't think that anyone can deny that the Fat One has played a major part in Chelski's excellent recent form as his goalscoring streak continued at the JJB. Still not sure about his celebration though, looks like he is doing some sort of judo chop or something. (I think he is shoving a pizza in the oven. - Ed)

Going Down

Liverpool and Dirk Kuyt

Liverpool stumbled to a goal-less draw against a determined Blackburn Rovers at Ewood Park on Saturday. Despite another relatively poor performance, the Reds should have won the game in the second half had it not been for some terrible finishing from the hapless Dirk Kuyt. The Dutchman couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo at the moment and his terrible form shows no sign of abaiting. For me, Kuyt is a good example of the flood of players around at the moment who I personally wouldn't call a proper footballer. As a striker, he doesn't have great movement, he doesn't link up play and he can't finish. It seems all he can do is run around a lot. Well, if thats all Rafa wants from his strikers then he might as well stick Paula Radcliffe up front because she would easily cover the same amount of ground and just like Kuyt, would probably piss herself whenever she was in a matchwinning position.

I am not exactly sure why Peter Crouch can't get a game at the moment. The only thing I can think of is that he perhaps slept with Rafa's wife or something, because behind Torres he is Liverpool's most effective striker and has shown proven ability to score in the Premiership. Liverpool may be unbeaten but as many people have pointed out, you are better of winning one game and then losing one rather than drawing two in a row. After all, you could go a whole season unbeaten and still get relegated.

Newcastle United's defence

The Geordies backline was ripped wide open like a prisoner picking up a bar of a soap. Have Newcastle ever had a good defence? Certainly not since I have been alive I don't think

Derby

Pretty self explanatory really

Fabregas's goal celebrations

Don't get me wrong, Cesc is having an incredible season for Arsenal this season, but why oh why does he look like he is going to burst into tears everyime he scores for the Gooners? There are a lot more terrible things going on in the world to get upset about such as poverty, war and the destruction of environment. I don't think that scoring goals for a football team should really be added to that list just yet.

Chris Hutchings

As predicted on this website many months ago (don't all rush to congratulate me), the crafty cockney has been given the boot at Wigan after less than half a season in charge. Just goes to show that an assistant manager should never get promoted to take charge of first team affairs (take note Brian Barwick).

Sunil

Guest Article…………Why does the nation hate Fat Frank?

Here is our first guest article at On The Bench. We would like to thank Saran Satefanen for his musings and comments and invite you to join in. If you have anything you want to say or comment about then email us at on-the-bench@hotmail.co.uk . In the meantime, I will leave you to read Saran’s article on the Fat One.......

Why does the nation hate Fat Frank?












Is he actually fat? If you saw ‘Fat Joe’ on a football pitch, you could tell immediately that this guy doesn’t belong on a football pitch! He belongs in a Weight Watchers Fat Camp! Is it because of FrankTV? Is it because he cheats on his wife and kisses his wedding ring to celebrate a goal? I bet no one really knows! The fact of the matter is, if you ask anyone why you hate Fat Frank they will tell you it’s because ‘He’s a fat cu*t!’

Fat Frank, as he is affectionately known is considered as one of the most over hyped midfielders in world football. But is it actually hype or has he got something to deliver? Fat Frank has consistently scored on average over 15 goals a season from midfield. How many midfielders in world football produce that? Barely any. People argue that Fat Frank has got Makelele doing the dirty work for him so it allows him to get forward and do the easy stuff, but when the worst tackler in the world football a.k.a Paul Scholes was banging them in you never heard anyone mention the work of Roy Keane behind the scenes.

People generally also argue that he goes missing in the big games. Games at Anfield come to mind: Champions League Semi Finals. Then again he has scored big goals on the International scene. He scored the opener against France at the European Championships 2004; he also scored against Portugal in the same tournament to equalise in extra time. He also scored some big goals to help Chelski win back to back Premiership titles. A brace at the Reebok springs to mind to help Chelski bring the title back to Stamford Bridge for the first time since 1955 Yes Fat Frank had a disgraceful World Cup, but isn’t that true about the whole England team in general. Making Lumpard the scapegoat for England’s generally inept showing in the World Cup is plain wrong. Ronaldinho had a poor World Cup also but you don’t hear people saying that he’s terrible.
















This season Chelski lost to Aston Villa; Fat Frankie was not playing. Was he missed? I think he was. Chelski missed that bite from midfield, the long range scorcher that’s required when you just can’t pass through the team. However, it may be argued that his time is up. These big game performances came in the years of 2004 and 2005. Where are they now? When that Russian Billionaire burst his way into West London, Fat Frank knew his place was under threat. The signings of Juan Veron, Scott Parker, Claude Makelele and Joe Cole meant he was not guaranteed a place in the starting line up. It was when the pressure of performing was on that he really would stop himself from eating that extra pie. It pushed him to becoming one of the world’s best so much so that Mathias Sammer hailed the Romford Fatty as “the best player in the world”. As he established himself as of Jose Moaninho’s ‘untouchables’ he seems to have helped himself to some more pies and is quite literally living on his own hype. When is the last significant moment he produced in a big game? Can’t remember!

Once a player selected regularly for England starting XI and one of Jose Moron’s ‘untouchables’ he now is under immense pressure from both country and club! The recent booing exploits of the England faithful and the recent change of managerial post at Chelski leaves Fat Frank in unknown territory. Will he silence his critics with the goals that made him Runner Up to World Footballer of the Year or will he wither away? It remains to be seen! One thing that’s for definite is that he will get you a goal albeit a deflected one!

Saran Satefanen

Ramming It Home....

Liverpool 6 Derby 0

Liverpool leaped to the top of the Premiership table for the first time in 5 years with an emphatic destruction of a truly woeful Derby side. Liverpool rammed home 6 goals, and regardless of how bad the opposition were, you can’t deny that there is genuine quality in this Liverpool side. Scoring 10 goals in two games without your two best players is a good return. Derby were hopeless, and the sight of two Derby defenders tackling themselves for Liverpool’s second was truly comical, and with defending like that you have to wonder how long it will be before Derby are relegated. I think the word “ram” is such an apt nickname, because they will be getting shafted all season.

Man Utd 1 Sunderland 0

Man Utd really are not playing like Champions, they limped to an unimpressive 1-0 win against Sunderland. Roy Keane went back to his old club and received a great welcome, Sunderland continue to slide, but when you have signed 10 Man Utd rejects/old boys you are bound to struggle, but they defended brilliantly and Craig Gordon is a great acquistion. The impotency upfront for Man Utd was clear to see, and the introduction of Saha was the impetous they needed and he duly scored the winner. Anderson looked well out of his depth, and Nani failed to excite me again. I think their minds were still thinking about the prostitutes they were entertaining a few days earlier. Tevez still looks unfit, but when Ronaldo and Rooney return, and Saha gains full fitness, Man Utd will be a force again.

Arsenal 3 Portsmouth 1

Fabregas shockingly scored another league goal, and his 4^th goal this season. For a guy who has struggled to score in the league it’s clear that he’s maturing as a footballer, can he keep it up? Arsenal strolled to a relatively easy win which started with Adebayor slotting home a penalty after Van Persie was felled in the box. Even though they went down to 10 men, they still looked comfortable and even after Kanu’s bizarre goal made it 3-1, it was clear that the result was never in doubt. I’m not sure if Arsenal have enough to maintain a title challenge, a few injuries and they could really struggle.

Blackburn 1 Manchester City 0

Sven’s honeymoon period appears to be over as Rovers eased to a 1-0 win courtesy of Benni McCarthy’s close range strike. Blackburn are still unbeaten and are playing with the sort of consistency and quality that many people expected of Tottenham this season. Surely it won’t be long before Mark Hughes steps into Fergie’s boots? Or perhaps he may even be a target for Tottenham once Martin not so Jolly departs… watch this space.

Aston Villa 2 Chelski 0

Villa’s hoodoo over Jose Mourinho continued as Chelsea left the Midlands pointless. The Special One even resorted to getting his hairstyle changed before the game in an attempt to change his fortunes at Villa Park. Unfortunately for Jose, it made no difference and now he has just ended up looking like an idiot. A word of advice Jose, if it aint broke, don’t fix it. Chelski toiled at Villa without any real cutting edge, though it could have all been different if the referee had spotted Laursen’s attempted GBH on SWP in the first half. Without Fat Frank, Chelski were unable the resort to their tactic of getting Drogba to flick the ball on for the Fat one to hit a deflected winner. Ashley Young gave Belleti a torrid time as Villa grabbed what was probably a deserved three points, certainly in terms of clear cut chances.

Fulham 3 Tottenham 3

Diomansy Kamara’s shinned bicycle kick pushed Martin Jol one step closer to the sack as Tottenham once again pushed the self destruct button. I think Martin Jol should be called Santa Claus from now on, not just because of his rotund figure but also because he just loves handing out gifts. His decision to remove Robbie Keane proved pivotal, as the Irishman was running the game and the substitution handed Fulham the initiative. This was followed by the introduction of Michael Dawson as Jol pretty much said “we are trying our best to let you back into the game…so please oblige”. Fulham didn’t disappoint as they gained a point from a game in which Spurs completely dominated. Jol will have a lot of sympathy from the shambles of the Ramos affair but many will question whether he has the tactical ability to take Spurs to the next level, something which will almost certainly cost him his job.

Middlesborough 2 Birmingham 0

Goals from Wheater and Downing handed Boro an impressive win. Shame that there was no-one in the ground to witness it. A very poor attendance was the most notable thing during this game as well as Steve Bruce’s terrible attire. Stick to the tracksuit Steve.

Newcastle 1 Wigan 0

Michael Owen rediscovered his goal scoring touch as the Geordies snatched a last gasp win against a plucky ten man Wigan. Before everyone gets excited though, remember that Owen was up against Titus Bramble, not exactly the sternest test he is likely to face. I personally won’t be convinced until Michael gets 15-20 games under his belt.

Bolton 1 Everton 2

The Yak scored on his debut but it was Joleon Lescott who turned out to be the hero as he headed a last ditch winner at the Reebok. Everton have been excellent so far and look as though they could really be a force to be reckoned with this season, providing that they can keep their squad injury free. Another defeat for wee Sammy will do little to keep the vultures circling but the fact that Derby are already relegated may suggest that he may get some more time to stamp his authority on the Trotters.

Reading 0 West Ham 3

The Hammers gained revenge for last years six goal spanking as Bellamy and Etherington ran riot. Bellamy has shown that he can be a class player but it remains to be seen whether he can do it week in, week out. When things are going well, Bellamy will be fine. But if things aren’t going well, the hunchback is not the sort of person you want in your side when you are trying to scrap your way out of trouble. Not unless he is handed a golf club of course.

England, Neighbours & The Karma Sutra....

England were again defeated by the Germans in a poor performance, rather typical of McClaren’s era. Out passed by an German team lacking probably every first team forward they have, no Ballack, Klose, Podolski, Frings, Schweinsteiger, and Lahm playing as a holding midfielder. The Germans have no penetration and lack the strength in depth that England have. Imagine trying to have sex with your girlfriend knowing that you had lost three inches off your manhood, you wouldn’t go in with much confidence would you? But even so, the likes of Kuranyi were still able to cut open an England side with some surprisingly slick passing which I think the England team could learn from. To rehash an old phrase “parcelforce” aka David Beckham was delivering some great trademark parcels, but with small strikers up top and the non existent Alan Smith (words fail me) there wasn’t the cutting edge needed. It was clear that Becks needed a rest, so why didn’t McClaren bring on SWP and see what he could do on the right, as he’s been doing so well for Chelsea. This is clearly the easy option and most intellectual option, but these easy and intellectual are two things McClown seems to have no idea about. SWP gets shunted to the left, and produces a fine display even though he was another player pushed into a position that he didn’t want to be in, let alone Dyer who was placed upfront for some ridiculously strange reason. I think from now one I might have to call him Steve “Karma Sutra” McClaren as he seems to love putting things in the craziest positions possible.

So what have we learned? Well not a great more than what we know already. Firstly, Michael Owen, please do us all a favour and retire from the beautiful game. Tell me, what exactly do you contribute to England these days? I will admit, the service you had was fairly poor but I think your best days are behind you. Can you hold the ball up? No. Can you bring others into play? No. Do you make unselfish runs to help your team-mates? No. Ah, so all you do is play on the last shoulder….but that’s no good. Unless Mickey scores he doesn’t contribute whatsoever to the team. Can any team, let alone England afford that luxury? I don’t think so. Look at Kuranyi today, perhaps not always a goal threat but his all round play was superb and he kept England’s back line on their toes at all time. I think that Owen should just go and setup a market selling a DVD of “that goal” vs Argentina and “that” hat-trick vs Germany. That is pretty much all he has done and ever will do for England in the future. He could have scored tonight but proceeded to miss an open goal. I think he could do with taking some shooting lessons of Ron Jeremy.

Moving to the other end of the pitch and Paul Robinson had an absolute nightmare. I reckon his namesake off Neighbours would have done a better job today, and he’s a cripple. Robinson should just be named Dracula, cos he is just so scared of crosses its untrue and he couldn’t catch a cold to save his life. I think its time for Calamity to make a long awaited comeback.

Can please someone tell me what on earth Alan Smith is doing playing for England. He is not a goalscorer and is just a thug. I would rather have Emile Heskey up there and that’s not even a joke. In fact, I reckon any Championship striker couldn’t do much worse that Smith. His selection defies any sort of logic and belief.

One other thing, how does Dyer always get in the England squad but Pennant and Bentley are constantly overlooked despite their excellent club form? Answers on a post-card please.

As if the game wasn’t bad enough, we had to put up with some outrageously bad punditry off the BBC. Shearer was at his comical best, saying that Stevie G and Lampard could play together even though he admitted that they had never done so before. Well done Alan, you would make a great manager. Why won’t anyone step in and say what the nation is thinking? Stevie G should be in centre midfield, with a holding midfielder alongside him (Hargreaves/Carrick). Is it really that bloody hard to figure out? Its not like we are dealing a with a puzzle like the Rubiks cube here, its just plain common sense. Its as if there is some players union not to say Lampard should not be playing for England. Let me put it this way, you ask every single manager in world football who they would rather have in their team. Fat or Stevie? I rest my case.

The Wheels Are Falling Off......

Portsmouth 1-1 Man United

Well well well. Two games in and everything is going wrong for United. Shrek is out for two months, the cheeky winker is out for three games and they only have two points out of six. They are already four points behind Chelsea despite having played two relatively easy fixtures. Man United dominated last night with the worst tackler in world football, Mr Paul Scholes, outstanding but Pompey rode their luck and a point was about right.

Fergie could not have envisaged that United would have had such difficulties in front of goal this year, with Rooney and Saha injured and Tevez not 100% match fit, things look bleak for the champions. They also lost the brilliant Ronaldo, after he decided to rub his forehead against Richard Hughes(the use of the word headbutt is frankly laughable). I’m sure the majority of the nation revelled in seeing winker sent off, and seeing the champions crumble under the mounting pressure is good for the premiership. Next up; the fast improving Man City, a derby that will be as competitive as ever, and could seriously dent Man Utd’s title chances.

Man City 1 – Derby 0

A moment of brilliance from Michael Johnson lit up this rather pedestrian affair. Sven keeps up his 100% record and Derby have shown all the qualities to suggest that they have no chance of surviving this year. When pundits are saying that you are “fit, organised and work hard it basically means that you have no quality, no flair, no skill and couldn’t score in a brothel.

The only good thing about the game was seeing Kasper Schmeichel slowly beginning to emulate his dad. The star jump, the dominance of his area and the screaming at defenders for no reason were there for all to see. All that is missing now is a red nose and him calling someone a “f*cking black bastard”. Like father, like son and all that.

Wigan 1- 0 Middlesborough

Antoine Sibierksi scored the winner in a dull, desperate affair which probably made Sky Viewers wonder why they paid their monthly subscription. Only 14,000 bothered turning up to watch this garbage, which surely just confirms that both these teams are going down faster than Divine Brown on Hugh Grant. Except that he actually got some enjoyment out of it.

Birmingham 2-2 Sunderland

A late equaliser from Blues old boy Stern John could be crucial to the Black Cats at the end of the season and Steve “Potato Head” Bruce will be left disappointed that his side couldn’t hold on after Garry O’ Connor had put Birmingham in front. Though they may be a bit upset with the equalizer as their keeper was clearly made to tap out in a crippler cross face fashion, leaving John with an open goal in which to silence the home crowd.

Fulham 2-Bolton 1

A howler from Tony Warner allowed Helguson to put Bolton in front but goals from Healey and Smertin handed the Cottagers (does that mean they are all gay?) the points. Bolton could be in real trouble this year and Sammy Lee looked like a drowned rat in the dugout. Fulham will probably finish higher than the Trotters but does anyone really care?

Reading 1- Chelsea 2

A typical Chelsea performance really at the Madejski. They looked distinctly average in the first half but a few substitutions and a half time roasting from Jose Mourinho (I bet John Terry feels like he missed out) appeared to do the trick. Fat Frank found his shooting boots (no deflections required) but please stop with that terrible celebration. Why are you kissing your wedding ring? Everyone knows you got caught with you pants down in a hotel with some piece of filth, so stop pretending that you are some sort of perfect husband. The Drog-Father gave Chelsea that extra cutting edge and they really look as though they want to wrestle the title back from Man United this year.

So much so, that they have resorted to try and trick the opposition. Reading players were probably thinking “oh, it’s just a steward, in his bright yellow jacket…..just leave him be….oh sh*t…he’s actually playing...get to him!!” What other explanation can there be for a team using the same dress code as those people working at airports?

Sunil