Premiership Ups and Downs

Going Up

Liverpool & Torres

Liverpool recorded only their second home win of the season and remain undefeated after a superb cameo appearance from Fernando Torres. For a team apparently in crisis, they were only 3 points off the top of the Premiership on Saturday, what will happen if they actually start playing well again. In Torres they have a truly world class player who can produce a moment of magic at any given moment. Rafa did not rotate the team after the 8-0 thrashing midweek, but it is simply impossible for him to leave a player of Fernando’s quality on the bench. If Liverpool can keep him fit, and get back some of the other injured stars, we might start saying it their year again, Liverpool are once again turning corners.

Man Utd & Ronaldo

Cristiano Ronaldo now has 26 goals in 51 games, which is a very impressive return for a winger who literally has everything, even a taste for a good prostitute. He may often bottle the big games, and have permanent residence in Ashley Cole’s pocket but he is having another great season, and has 10 goals already. Man Utd sit firmly on top of the Premiership again, and even without Rooney you can see them staying there or there abouts for the rest of the season.

Tottenham & Berbatov

Tottenham actually won another game, who would have thought it. Even at 3-0 nil I was still thinking of ways that they could throw away another lead, but somehow they didn’t. I think even Berbatov had time to smile, he’s like a sulking school child at the moment, who clearly does not want to be there, but I’m sure finally getting out of the relegation zone should cheer him up. His all round performance was a masterclass in wonderful football, and even though he has reiterated his desire to stay, I’m not buying it. Tottenham have to be pleased, there standards have dropped like mine would after 10 pints, so forget a top 4 finish, they can celebrate finally being out of the bottom 4.

Tim Cahill

Was out injured for a long time, and has come back and continued to bang in the goals, one of the best goal scoring midfielders around at the moment.

Agbonlahor

I honestly thought he would be more useful in the Great Britain 4x100 relay team, but I have to say he is starting to look like a decent player, and if you score the winner in your local derby, you’ve clearly had a good day.

Going Down

Derby

Should I even bother mentioning them anymore, they are perpetually going down, like a porn star in her prime. Conceding 5 goals at home to West Ham, who are missing their best strikers is simply awful.

Bentley

I know footballers are not the brightest sparks in the world, but surely spelling your own name is probably the easiest thing you will ever do, so how did he not notice that they had spelt it wrong?

John Motson

Apparently Cahill’s goals was a typical goal for him according to Motty, how many overhead kicks does one player score in his life for it to be typical. Time to hang up the mic Motty.

Wigan

I’m not going to praise Jenas for his 2 goals, but Id rather berate Wigan for allowing the invisible man of football to score and almost get a hat trick, similar to getting knocked out by a man with no arms.

Bolton

They cant even give away tickets.

Premiership Ups & Downs...

Going Up

Chelsea & Avram

So finally Chelsea are finally playing the champagne football that Roman craves so much. It really looks like Chelsea are back in the hunt, and the performances of Drogba and Frank Lampard were something to be admired. He might be slightly rubenesque and probably England's most hated footballer, but no one can deny his defence splitting pass for Drogba was quite possibly the pass of the season. Chelsea showed why they are still unbeatable at home, and against a side that had been threatening to break into the top 4, you really cant underestimate how impressive this result really is, even Shevchenko got a goal, says a lot really doesn't it. Let's not get carried away though, many may be already proclaiming Avram as a saviour, but I'm sure at the end of season Chelsea fans would sacrifice the champagne football and those 6 goals for the 6 trophies Mourinho brought to the bridge.

Man Utd, Tevez & Rooney

So Man Utd notched up another win, scoring 4 goals for the 4th time in a row. When I heard Tevez was joining Man Utd I instantly thought him and Rooney were too similar to play with each other. Both players are short, stocky and have faces that wouldn't require a costume at a Halloween party, but no one can deny that the partnership has blossomed very nicely. These two may never hit the highs on and off the pitch that Yorke and Cole hit, but they are developing an understanding very similar to what the "footballing brothers" had in the late 90s. Tevez's first goal was testament to that. Tevez latched onto a very clever Rooney back heel and cooly slotted in the corner, it was simply sublime and I'm sure Alex Ferguson is hailing his Frankenstein-esque striking partner creation.

Arsenal & Hleb

At the beginning of the season I genuinely didn't think the Gooners had the squad to challenge for the title, but looking at how they have developed you have to say they look like they will be real challengers. Wenger is clearly a genius when it comes to nurturing kids, and this bunch could be even better than the last crop. The passing game is sublime and no team in world football does it better. At times they cut through the Liverpool defence like a bullet through water, and I think the world needs to give special praise to the man who resembles a anorexic Willem Defoe and that man is Alexander Hleb. This season he has transformed himself from a player who lacked simple skills like ball control, to someone who has an innate ability to spot that special match winning pass. Yes many will heap praise on the often superb Fabregas, but Hleb demonstrated on Sunday that he knows how to deliver the killer pass, even though he had 2 other opportunities to make a less effective pass, but he waited and waited and with great vision sneaked in a a clever dinked pass which Fabregas finished nicely, its balls like that, that win Championships.

Kenwynne Jones

Like a dose of Viagra, he the only reason why Sunderland may stay up this season.

Going Down



Liverpool F.C.

Liverpool could have beaten Arsenal on Sunday, but that would not have told the entire story. From tactics to simple technical ability, Liverpool have been woeful in recent weeks and nothing much changed on Sunday apart from Steven Gerrard looking a lot more like the marauding footballer we remember, maybe talk of his demise was premature. Here are some of the problems Liverpool are facing that could ultimately end their season.

1- Tactics

Playing Voronin and Kuyt on the wings was simply baffling, both of them seem to have a potency in front of goal similar to a corpse penis, but I'm sure playing them on the wing did not help that. With genuine width on the bench, why oh why did Liverpool start with 2 players who simply don't know how to beat a man. Why didn't Crouch start this match? Last season he tormented the Arsenal back line with his height and scored a superb hat-trick. You are not going to trouble Gallas and Toure with pace, so you need an extra dimension and Crouch is that man. How Rafa could not understand this simply defies belief.

2 - The Players

Some of the players simply are not good enough to take Liverpool to the next level. Riise can't defend, cross or beat a man, and having a good shot is not good enough reason to keep him in the team, you wouldn't keep a girlfriend just because she had huge breasts and absolutely nothing else. Hyppia is a legend, but he's had it, put a fork in him because his time at Liverpool is done. Kuyt and Voronin are not strikers; strikers score goals and these 2 simply don't do that on a regular basis. I don't want to see my strikers crossing from the wings, because who are they supposed to be crossing to?

3 - Alonso & Agger

Words can't express how much Liverpool miss these two. When Alonso was on the pitch, his passing and ball retention was unrivaled, he was simply bossing the midfield and allowing Stevie to do what he loves. When he went off it all changed and Arbeloa's attempt to do the Alonso role was simply embarrassing. Arsenal then rediscovered the edge in midfield and ultimately equalised. What would Liverpool give to have Agger back? A player who knows how to come forward and carry a football from defence rather than simply hoof it upfield at any given opportunity.

I can't see a quick solution to any of these problems, and with Torres, Alonso and Agger all out for lengthy periods, it could be a very very cold winter for Liverpool football club.

Man City & Sven

Chelsea nicely brought them back down to Earth, the honeymoon is over guys. A top 4 team does not get hammered 6-0 in this era of the Premiership.

Derby County

Can we just relegate them now please?

Tottenham Hotspur & Ramos

Another match and another lead thrown away. Ramos has a big job on his hands, and at the moment I can't see Spurs winning a single match, could they seriously be contenders for relegation? Surely they have too much class, but that's what we said when West Ham went down a few years back. Good luck Ramos, you are going to need it.

Match Of The Day

Did anyone else notice the shoddy editing the BBC used during the highlights show on Sunday. There was an incident with Hyppia and Adebayor, where Hyppia was adjudged to have elbowed Adebayor in the stomach, but they then showed Wenger's reaction which related to an earlier incident involving Eboue and Carragher. You could only notice it if you had watched the match live, it was subtly done but it still suggests that the BBC are being very sneaky using creative editing to mislead the viewer and create a different perspective on football matches. I'm not even going to mention the return of the simply awful Jaqcui Oatley.

Premiership Ups and Downs

Going Up






Liverpool, Carragher, Kuyt & Rafa

Words cannot describe how lucky Liverpool were on the weekend, and no one can deny the importance of this victory. A loss would have left Liverpool six points behind Arsenal, with them having a game in hand. With the Gooners visiting Anfield next weekend, a loss there would mean their title challenge was over before it even began. Carragher's challenge on Lescott in the final minute, was not only a penalty but was something that most WWE fans would call a finishing manoeuvre, and how Clattenburg missed it was criminal. Kuyt's attempt at a challenge was disgraceful, and in some countries could have probably lead to life imprisonment, and he was very very lucky to avoid a red card. It looked as though he was auditioning for a part in Rush Hour 4. Although we all know that Kuyt really should be used as a body double for Sloth from The Goonies











Clattenburg did seem to change his decision after influence from Stevie G, but i think the most worrying thing is that he needed to be reminded what the rules were. If the last man denies a clear goalscoring opportunity = red card, not yellow. Fact. Rafa Benitez set himself up for an almighty fall and mauling from the press. Taking off Stevie was seen by many as a sign of insanity. I still maintain that it was, because Sissoko was awful and he should have made way. But the introduction of the three substitutes won the Liverpool the match, with Lucas clearly playing with his brain rather than getting too excited in the derby game. Stevie was probably trying a bit too hard, is this a sign of future tension between Captain and Manager?

Man Utd & Rooney

They might as well call Villa Park, Old Trafford Part 2. Man Utd seem unable to lose here, no matter what happens. When Gabby opened the scoring, I actually thought Villa had a chance to finally avoid defeat at home to Man Utd, something they haven't done for 10 consecutive matches. I was wrong though, Zat Knight duly gifted them an equaliser , letting in Wayne Rooney at the back post after forgetting he was on a football pitch. They then conceded a second soon after, when the superb Wayne Rooney was afforded more space than Apollo 13, and duly placed the gift in the corner. Nigel Mediocre was then rightfully sent off for 2 stupid tackles, and then Scott Carson followed him, after he brought down Tevez in the box. Stuart Taylor was the only reason Man Utd didn't put 7 or 8 past Villa, and one thing you have to say is, Man Utd really are Champions.

Chelsea and Drogba

After Drogba's comments about leaving last week, what better way to repay your fans but with a goal to keep them on track. Chelsea fans will have to be content with the fact that this is Drogba's last season in blue colours, but I think the Ivorian will give his all to bring silverware back to the Bridge.

Arsenal Comedy & Theo

Arsenal beat their managerless bogey team, after Bolton produced a resolute defensive display not reminiscent of recent form. For 60 minutes Bolton looked like the team who often frustrated the Gooners, but Arsenal just refuse to drop points at home with Kolo getting the first and Theo finally having some much needed composure to set up Rosicky for the 2nd. With games against Liverpool and Man Utd coming up, getting the three points here was essential. I think the highlight of the game was Emmanuel Adebayor's attempt to round the keeper, in which he fell over and crumbled like a stacked Jenga game. Hilarious.

Benjani

As much as I hate the stupid celebration, who would have thought he would be top of the goalscoring charts at this stage of the season?

Kenwynne Jones

This guy is a man mountain, with attributes similar to Drogba's, he is an absolute animal and if Sunderland hope to stay up then they need this man to stay on form.

Man City & Elano

Are Man City actually the real deal? One things for sure, Elano is the best player in the Premiership at the moment.

Green

Why hasn't he been given a chance for England?

Tugay

There was nothing gay about the Turk's delightful (see what I did there?) 35 yarder on Saturday as he helped Rovers to a 4-2 win over Reading. Shame that only his family were there to watch it as Rovers continue to struggle to attract the fans.

Steve Coppell

Its refreshing to see when a manager admits he was wrong instead of blaming the referee, the fans, the pitch or the players. Everyone in football appreciates honesty and the Reading's boss frank post match interview are a delight to watch. I am not sure he will ever admit that signing Michael Duberry was a mistake though.

Going Down









Phil Neville

Phil Neville could have been in the "Going Up" section, because he seemed to prove himself a worthy replacement for Paul Robinson to be England's number one goal keeper. I think what he did is the worst form of cheating. He denies a perfectly good goal by using his hand, and duly gets sent off. Could you imagine the uproar if Kuyt had missed the penalty? I think in this situation a penalty goal should be awarded, similar to what we see in Rugby. This will deter imbeciles like Phil Neville from performing these kinds of "heroics". Many may say that he was sent off, and so was duly punished, but in the 92nd minute of the game this means nothing, and he would have felt vindicated had Kuyt not converted the spot kick. I think a ten game ban is in order. Disgraceful.

Craig Gordon

Quite possibly the unluckiest own goal you will ever see, from a superb goalkeeper.

Derby & Fulham

Will Derby ever score an away goal? If Fulham cant score at home to a team that's conceded 15 goals in 3 games, what hope do they have of staying up this season.

Mark Clattenburg & Referees

Probably the only referee that I respected, but after his performance in the Merseyside derby, its difficult to see any light at the end of the tunnel for the men in black. It's becoming more and more problematic, as we see more and more senior players influencing the referees decisions. If the referees haven't got the balls to stand up to these players, then what hope is there for the beautiful game?

Rafa

Rafa is both a winner and loser this week. Rafa's comment that he thought that Lescott had dived was probably the funniest thing I have heard this month. I should congratulate him for saying it with a straight face really. It's nearly as funny as his goatee. But not quite.

Premiership Ups & Downs....

Going Up

Chelsea & Avram












Some may call Avram another Israeli illegally occupying something, but no one can deny that he has had a good week. Cheslea finally scored a Premiership goal, with Kalou netting the winner in an evenly fought game. I'm sure Avram is feeling pleased with himself right now, with important wins against Valencia & Bolton leaving Chelsea in a much better position than when he first took over. Avram is by no means the man that Mourinho is, but these wins and the return of Frank Lampard can only mean better results amd an increased cafeteria bill.

Arsenal & Van Persie

Last season Arsenal would have probably passed their way into the changing room, rather than get the ball into the net for the winner. This season however things have changed, even afer a brave fightback from Sunderland we all knew Arsenal would get the goal they needed to win the game, regardless of Theo Walcott's Akinbiyi impression. Van Persie is looking back to his best, and they just cant seem to stop the man whose right foot might as well be strapped up and replaced with something more useful, but it cant be denied that he truly is going to be a world class player

Man Utd, Ronaldo & Anderson

Ronaldo's black eye did not stop him from tearing apart Wigan, and helping Man Utd to the top of the table for a brief time. They are starting to play well, and im sure the performance of the protitute roasting Anderson, will give Fergie some hope for the future. His passing was sublime at times, and he seems to be gaining in confidence. Tevez looked dangerous and Rooney is scoring again and with Ronaldo they have a player who can create alot out of nothing.

Elano and Sven

Simply the best player in the league on current form and probably the buy of the season. His finishing is different class, and with freekicks as acccurate as a Peter North cum shot, I'm sure Man City fans can expect to see alot more class from this man. And perhaps people are now realising that Sven is actually a decent manager and the reason he had no success with England is just cos they are shit. His club record speaks for itself.

Michael Owen & Alan Shearer

Back from injury AGAIN, another goal, more Owen hype, more people thinking Owen is the second coming and even more sexual enjoyment for Mr Shearer; who seems to love felating Owen at any moment he can. Get a room guys.

Robbie Keane

Quite possibly the greatest MOTD interview I have ever seen. What a guy. 2 decent goals too.

Random mention

Alfonso Alves of Herenveeren who scoored 7 goals in one game, regardless of how good you think the Dutch league is, thats an unbelievable feat.

Going Down

Dean Ashton
















Another England Call up, another injury to rule him out. When will this man get the chance he deserves?

Paul Robinson
Utter turd, the man drops his balls more than a post adolescent boys school, but why does McClaren still have faith in him? He is awful and he's fat too.

Liverpool, Hyypia & Steven Gerrard

Don't let the highlights fool you, Gerrard was anonymous against Tottenham and he somehow could not dominate a midfield consisting of Jenas and Zakora, thats like struggling to win a pissing distance challenge against some girls. Hyypia needs to be wheeled into a old people's home, he would probably have more pace in a wheelchair. I'm concerned that he can't even use his best asset(his height) to his advantage anymore. Claims by Ryan Babel, that they do not practice attacking formations in training, seems to suggest that Rafa is more concerned with making liverpool a defensive unit, thus stifling the money he has spent on new attacking talent.

Tottenham

I seriously think they do need to speak to David Blunkett about how to hold on to a lead.

Referees

Another week passes and another bunch of refereeing decisions cost someone some points. Steve Sidwell massages the ball in the box, no penalty. Didi Hamann rapes someone from behind in the box, no penalty. Makes Rob Styles penalty decision at Anfield this season even more baffling.

Derby

Going, going...Im willing to put my life savings on them not winning one away game this season.

England & Gareth Barry

Frank Lampard is Back....: -(

Dida

Thank god UEFA have grown some balls and decided to sanction Dida for being a complete and utter cheating moron.

Premiership Ups and Downs....

Going Up

Man City, Elano and Petrov

Im starting to believe that Man City are the real deal this season, they have a solid defence, and a brilliant midfield. If they had a few decent strikers they could actually challenge for some of the top spots. Sven's skills on Football Manager have clearly paid off, and with Elano and Petrov they have two of the best signings I have seen in a long time. If these two keep playing they way they are then expect big things from Man City, it makes you wonder how these two great talents went under the radar of some of the bigger clubs in the league, I think maybe a few more managers need to get a copy of Football Manager before the season kicks off.

Arsenal

Another game, another win. Last season the Gooners would have lost this kind of game, this season they are a different outfit with a confidence developed through losing their best player. If you look at teams that have lost their main striker in recent times, they have gone on to be more successful. Liverpool lost Owen and went on to win the Champions League and the FA Cup and Man Utd lost Ruud to then go on and win the league. So losing your best players is sometimes a blessing in disguise, especially when your best player has an attitude that could ruin team spirit. and we all know Thierry was clearly a threatening presence.

Man Utd

Lets face it, the champions have been very poor this season, but they still find themselves near the top of the table. If Birmingham were aware of where the goal was, they would have buried Man Utd long before the half time whistle blew, but unfortunately they were lacking in quality, and allowed Ronaldo to sneak in to snatch an unlikely 1-0 win, but clearly it wasn’t that unlikely as they have won many of their previous outings by that scoreline. Their strikers are still misfiring, Rooney looks off the pace, Saha is their top scorer even though he has only played 5 minutes of football, but all in all you have to say that things look good for Man Utd, because when the star players start performing, not only will they be winning games, but they will be winning them in style.

Portsmouth, Benjani & The Beautiful Game

Its not often that you see an eleven goal thriller in a football match, its more likely to occur in a “high scoring" England rugby match considering how poor they are right now. This game was a great advertisement for the Premiership, but you have to wonder about the mental state of the managers after seeing their defence concede 11 goals combined. I think the most bizarre moment of the game was seeing the often impotent Benjani scoring a very impressive hat-trick, he has always been a player who seems afraid of scoring, he simply doesn’t know where the goal is, but this season he has been in great form.

Liverpool & Benayoun

Liverpool finally picked up a less than deserved win against Wigan, but playing badly and winning is something that Man Utd have trademarked in recent years, and if Liverpool can master it then maybe they have a chance to win the title this season. Benayoun rescued the 3 points with a superb solo effort, and looks like a player who is playing his way into a starting spot with two brilliant goals within a week. The importance of this win can not be underestimated especially with games against Tottenham, Everton, Arsenal and Blackburn coming up. If anyone can correctly guess Rafas next three starting line ups I will give them a special prize.

Arteta

Not much to say apart from this man is pure brilliance, if he was in a top four side we would be calling him one of the best in the world. Criminally underrated.

Going Down

Chelsea & The Empire

Chelsea look like they could be in big big trouble, they were fortunate not to lose their much coveted home record and losing their captain to a broken cheekbone could spell the end of their title hopes this season. They are already 7 points off the pace and its only October. Avram has a tough job on his hands to motivate a team who he clearly doesn’t have the backing of. The ghost of Mourinho will continue to haunt this team. But with Abramovich still pumping money into the club, the dynasty isn’t finished just yet.

Linesmen

Has the need for video replays been any stronger? If the decisions at Upton Park and the JJB been correct the weekend results would have been much different, how long can the Premiership survive with linesmen making so many mistakes.

Steven Gerrard

Stevie G started the season in terrific form and was unbelievable against Chelsea, but ever since the debacle with his broken toe he has been more Igor Biscan than the Gerrard we know and love. Many say his last great performance was against West Ham in the FA cup, is the man we once called the best midfielder in the world on the wane? Being outshone by Jason Koumas is not a good sign of things to come.

Tottenham

They still have a game in hand, but being joint bottom in October is simply shocking.

Premiership Ups and Downs.......

Going Up......

The Gooners

The Gooners handed Derby another beating to extend their lead at the top of the Premiership. The Wengerboys (no, not that terrible Dutch pop group) were imperious as Derby were completely outclassed. Things were so comfortable that Arsenal were able to rest Van Persie and hand a start to Da Silva, who looks like the bastard child of Prince.

Fabregas continued his goalscoring streak and Adebayor bagged a hat-trick against the hapless Rams. Many people have said that the Togo international has benefited the most since the departure of Mr Va Va Voom. Whilst that may be true in a footballing sense I don’t think that anyone can deny that Adebayor’s celebrations just aren’t the same without him doing that slightly homosexual jig of delight. Surely there must be another person who can step into Henry’s shoes?

Mark Viduka

Mark Viduka bagged a brace as Newcastle took three points against the Hammers. There were rumours that Allarderci wanted to sign Heskey just to partner him with Owen but why bother when you already have Viduka? If Emile Heskey was a prototype then Viduka is the final product. All he needs to do is stop sharing the same diet plan as Fat Frank and he will be fine.

Portsmouth

Pompey gained a great win at Ewood and having faced Liverpool, Arsenal, and Man Utd already, their points total is not to be sniffed out. Fifty year old Kanu got the winner against a tired looking Blackburn to continue their good start to the season.

Going Down......

Avram Grant

Nothing that Mr Grant could do to stop Manchester United winning on Sunday but it remains unclear as to how long he will actually be able to manage Chelsea for. Could it be another case of Israel illegally occupying a territory? Doubt surrounds Grants position and surely he will not be lasting long in the Chelski hot seat.

Also, as you can see from the picture above, our boy Avram looks like a character out of Wind in the Willows, which is a very dubious honour.

Andy Johnson

The aptly named Johnson had another nightmare as his goal drought continued. After his midweek penalty missing antics, Johnson was substituted after another goal-less display. He is going through a bigger dry spell than me at the moment and you get the feeling he just needs any type of goal to get him going, even if it’s the dirtiest goal you can imagine. I could probably do with doing the same and bagging myself some dirty minger just to get my confidence up. After that I am sure both me and AJ will be back to their prolific best.

Antti Niemi

I wrote this article shortly after watching the film “The Departed”. The basic plotline in the film is about two undercover cops trying to suss if each other is rat. Well after watching Fulham take on Man City at the Cottage I think that Lawrie Sanchez should be checking to see if Niemi was working undercover for Man City. Niemi was at fault for all three of Man City’s goals, and its fair to say that there was a whiff of Bruce Grobelaar about his performance.

Rafa

Rafa Benitez reminds me of a thick student who is unable to complete his exams and has to keep repeating the year. He will just never learn. Rafas rotation policy could cost Liverpool the title but will he realise before it’s too late?

El Nino again found himself on the bench as Rafa decided to deploy a side with no pace up front. Liverpool toiled against a well organised Brum and had to make do with a point. Who knows the reasoning behind Benitez’s tactics but how many other top teams would you see leave their best striker on the bench? Rooney, Adebayor, Drogba? Course not. El Nino is a sprightly young chap, surely has can play almost every Premiership game? Torres is the man who has shown that he is the person to give Liverpool that extra dimension up front. As Alan Hansen would say, what are all defenders scared of? Pace

What would Birmingham rather defend against? Sloth from the Goonies (that’s Kuyt) and a pony tailed Porn Star? Or El Nino? Exactly

More importantly, does Rafa not know that I have Torres in my Fantasy Football Team and he is seriously damaging my chances of winning. Do us a favour Rafa, and bring back El Nino. And please get rid of that ridiculous goatee. It was funny at first but now it’s just pissing me off.

Grant Leadbitter & Stewart Downing

After slotting home an excellent opener for the Black Cats, Leadbitter went to try and do the trade mark slide on his knees only to get it hopelessly wrong. He then pretended to give the silencer to the home support. Get your celebration right next time you prat. I was glad when Lee Cattermole tried his best to pole axe him later on.

Stewart Downing slammed home an excellent goal before then committing a heinous crime by doing the Emile Heskey DJ celebration. Are things really that bad that footballer’s have to nick each others celebrations these days? Come on guys, let’s have some originality.

Sunil

Premiership Ups and Downs

Going Up……

Arsenal, Fabregas & Adebayor

Arsenal leapt to the top of the Premiership with another win against poor Spurs. Fabregas has suddenly turned into a goalscoring machine, is this the season that he finally realises his undeniable talent? Arsenal are back to the top of the table for the first time in 3 years, its early days but I feel that Arsenal have a team spirit unrivalled by any other team, and this could make them title challengers. Adebayor has been ridiculed for years as a poor man’s Kanu, has been given nicknames such as Adebaypoor or Adebaycantscore, but no one can deny that his second goal on Saturday was one that even the great Thierry Henry himself would be proud of, absolutely brilliant. Regardless of the fact that Martin Jol continued his best Santa Claus routine, Arsenal took their chances and with some relatively easy fixtures coming up, it looks like Arsenal will be on top like a Dutch prostitute for a few more months to come.

Manchester United & Wayne Rooney

Attacking a pensioner is never a good thing, but I’m sure the win against Everton, helped Fergie recover from the shin injuries he incurred. A few weeks ago many people were suggesting that the Champions were out of the title race. Fast forward a few weeks, and guess what? Man Utd were back on top of the table, after a Vidic header fortunately grabbed 3 points at Goodison Park, albeit for only a few hours but they are well and truly back in the hunt. With Wayne Rooney back from injury (with his wolverine-esque healing powers), Ronaldo back from suspension and Saha(Man Utd’s most important player) back off the treatment table, I think Man Utd will now go on to sustain a very serious title challenge. The clash with Chelsea next week will tell us a lot about what shape they are in.

West Ham, “Can’t Control” & Dean Ashton

West ham jumped up to 5^th in the table with a 3-0 win over Middlesbrough. West Ham were relatively poor in the first half, but a rousing team talk from Curbishley and the introduction of Carlton Cole aka “Can’t Control” was decisive as he set up 2 of the goals. It was good to see he had not lost his ineptness in front of goal, when he missed a sitter, but his influence on the game was clear to see. Dean Ashton finally got his goal, after an entire year ruled out through injury, its good to see England’s future great striker back on the scoresheet. Scarily enough, West Ham will lie within the Champions League places if they win their game in hand, a far cry from the relegation zone which they often frequented last season.

Sunderland & Kenwynne Jones

Sunderland grabbed a much needed 2-1 win against Reading, with Kenwynne Jones proving he is worth every penny they spent on him with a superb display. He caused all sorts of problems, and with him in the team maybe Sunderland can better the worst ever Premiership points total they achieved when they were last in the Premiership.

Reina

Quite simply the best penalty saver in world football right now.

Going Down…..

Tuncay

As impressive as Wet Ham were, if Tuncay knew where the goal was he might have had a hat-trick, someone get this man a map of the football pitch.

Heskey

Poor poor Emile, after impressing for England and basically cementing his place in the England squad as Michael Owen’s slave, he then breaks his foot and is ruled out for 6 weeks or more. He will probably miss the next few qualifiers, and I’m sure Rooney will be back to gobble up his place. Sadly we may never see Emile “ The Handful” Heskey in an England squad again.

Spurs, Jol and Darren Bent

Where do I start? Now, as good as Arsenal have been this season, no one can deny that Spurs really should have won this game or got a draw at least. I’m finding it very difficult to understand how one team can have so many chances and simply not score. Berbatov, Keane and Bent both had opportunities to put the game to bed, but simply couldn’t do it. Bent cost 16.5 million, but his attempt at a left foot finish reminded me of someone trying to hit a football with a golf club. Lets be honest here, to lose a North London derby at home is bad enough, but to lose it in such a manner is unforgivable. Martin Jol’s position as manager this season will last as long as Sunil’s first sexual experience. Fact. We all know that Martin Jol doesn’t know how to hold on to a lead, maybe he needs some advice from David Blunkett.

Liverpool, Rafa & Peter Crouch

Rafa Rafa Rafa, what were you thinking? How could you go to Fratton Park and rest 5 of your best players? Yes they were on international duty, and may be tired, but the team Liverpool put out against Portsmouth simply didn’t have the pace and quality to win that game. Fratton Park is one of the hardest places to go in the Premiership, so resting Mascherano, Kuyt, Babel, Gerrard and Torres is plain suicide. This squad is good, but not that good and if Portsmouth knew how to finish, Liverpool would have lost this game. Peter Crouch had a nightmare performance and looks like a man in disarray, but I’m guessing losing your place in the national side to Emile Heskey can be a big blow to a man’s confidence. Makes me wanna rehash my “elephant man stealing your girlfriend” analogy, ok maybe I wont. Peter Crouch is an excellent player, but at this rate I think he will struggle to play much football this season.

Bolton

Another game another defeat, the loss of Big Sam has completely destroyed any quality this team had. Like Samson and his hair, they have lost the source of their power. That’s what happens when you go from big(Allardyce) to small(Lee), ask any girl out there. Sorry Sammy but relegation is a very big possibility.

Reading

Are they still hung-over from their celebrations from doing so well last season?

Chelsea

1 point in 2 games simply is not good enough for the usually consistent Chelsea. You have to say that they were unlucky with the offside decision that would have awarded them the win, but I’m sure they are grateful for the penalty decision at Anfield and how Mikel was not penalised for bulldozing through Pedersen in the penalty area I really don’t know. Chelsea will eventually come good, but I fear for what will happen when the African Nations cup takes away many of their best players.

Shevchenko

He is like a bastard child, that no one likes. The look on Mourinho’s face when he missed that opportunity was golden and made it quite clear that Shevchenko is quite possibly the most unpopular player at any club right now. What a fall from grace for a man who was one of the best players in the world, who now has no pace and looks like he is pulling a truck when he runs. He would probably be the last person picked at my Sunday afternoon kick about.

Ramming It Home....

Liverpool 6 Derby 0

Liverpool leaped to the top of the Premiership table for the first time in 5 years with an emphatic destruction of a truly woeful Derby side. Liverpool rammed home 6 goals, and regardless of how bad the opposition were, you can’t deny that there is genuine quality in this Liverpool side. Scoring 10 goals in two games without your two best players is a good return. Derby were hopeless, and the sight of two Derby defenders tackling themselves for Liverpool’s second was truly comical, and with defending like that you have to wonder how long it will be before Derby are relegated. I think the word “ram” is such an apt nickname, because they will be getting shafted all season.

Man Utd 1 Sunderland 0

Man Utd really are not playing like Champions, they limped to an unimpressive 1-0 win against Sunderland. Roy Keane went back to his old club and received a great welcome, Sunderland continue to slide, but when you have signed 10 Man Utd rejects/old boys you are bound to struggle, but they defended brilliantly and Craig Gordon is a great acquistion. The impotency upfront for Man Utd was clear to see, and the introduction of Saha was the impetous they needed and he duly scored the winner. Anderson looked well out of his depth, and Nani failed to excite me again. I think their minds were still thinking about the prostitutes they were entertaining a few days earlier. Tevez still looks unfit, but when Ronaldo and Rooney return, and Saha gains full fitness, Man Utd will be a force again.

Arsenal 3 Portsmouth 1

Fabregas shockingly scored another league goal, and his 4^th goal this season. For a guy who has struggled to score in the league it’s clear that he’s maturing as a footballer, can he keep it up? Arsenal strolled to a relatively easy win which started with Adebayor slotting home a penalty after Van Persie was felled in the box. Even though they went down to 10 men, they still looked comfortable and even after Kanu’s bizarre goal made it 3-1, it was clear that the result was never in doubt. I’m not sure if Arsenal have enough to maintain a title challenge, a few injuries and they could really struggle.

Blackburn 1 Manchester City 0

Sven’s honeymoon period appears to be over as Rovers eased to a 1-0 win courtesy of Benni McCarthy’s close range strike. Blackburn are still unbeaten and are playing with the sort of consistency and quality that many people expected of Tottenham this season. Surely it won’t be long before Mark Hughes steps into Fergie’s boots? Or perhaps he may even be a target for Tottenham once Martin not so Jolly departs… watch this space.

Aston Villa 2 Chelski 0

Villa’s hoodoo over Jose Mourinho continued as Chelsea left the Midlands pointless. The Special One even resorted to getting his hairstyle changed before the game in an attempt to change his fortunes at Villa Park. Unfortunately for Jose, it made no difference and now he has just ended up looking like an idiot. A word of advice Jose, if it aint broke, don’t fix it. Chelski toiled at Villa without any real cutting edge, though it could have all been different if the referee had spotted Laursen’s attempted GBH on SWP in the first half. Without Fat Frank, Chelski were unable the resort to their tactic of getting Drogba to flick the ball on for the Fat one to hit a deflected winner. Ashley Young gave Belleti a torrid time as Villa grabbed what was probably a deserved three points, certainly in terms of clear cut chances.

Fulham 3 Tottenham 3

Diomansy Kamara’s shinned bicycle kick pushed Martin Jol one step closer to the sack as Tottenham once again pushed the self destruct button. I think Martin Jol should be called Santa Claus from now on, not just because of his rotund figure but also because he just loves handing out gifts. His decision to remove Robbie Keane proved pivotal, as the Irishman was running the game and the substitution handed Fulham the initiative. This was followed by the introduction of Michael Dawson as Jol pretty much said “we are trying our best to let you back into the game…so please oblige”. Fulham didn’t disappoint as they gained a point from a game in which Spurs completely dominated. Jol will have a lot of sympathy from the shambles of the Ramos affair but many will question whether he has the tactical ability to take Spurs to the next level, something which will almost certainly cost him his job.

Middlesborough 2 Birmingham 0

Goals from Wheater and Downing handed Boro an impressive win. Shame that there was no-one in the ground to witness it. A very poor attendance was the most notable thing during this game as well as Steve Bruce’s terrible attire. Stick to the tracksuit Steve.

Newcastle 1 Wigan 0

Michael Owen rediscovered his goal scoring touch as the Geordies snatched a last gasp win against a plucky ten man Wigan. Before everyone gets excited though, remember that Owen was up against Titus Bramble, not exactly the sternest test he is likely to face. I personally won’t be convinced until Michael gets 15-20 games under his belt.

Bolton 1 Everton 2

The Yak scored on his debut but it was Joleon Lescott who turned out to be the hero as he headed a last ditch winner at the Reebok. Everton have been excellent so far and look as though they could really be a force to be reckoned with this season, providing that they can keep their squad injury free. Another defeat for wee Sammy will do little to keep the vultures circling but the fact that Derby are already relegated may suggest that he may get some more time to stamp his authority on the Trotters.

Reading 0 West Ham 3

The Hammers gained revenge for last years six goal spanking as Bellamy and Etherington ran riot. Bellamy has shown that he can be a class player but it remains to be seen whether he can do it week in, week out. When things are going well, Bellamy will be fine. But if things aren’t going well, the hunchback is not the sort of person you want in your side when you are trying to scrap your way out of trouble. Not unless he is handed a golf club of course.

The Big Kick Off.......

Sunderland 1 Spurs 0

After all the preseason hype, Spurs reminded us all why they really have not got what it takes to break into the top four. A truly awful performance from Spurs opened up the 2007/2008 premiership season, with Michael Chopra grabbing the winner with a classy finish, after some spirited defending from Roy Keane’s Sunderland. Chopra had only managed one goal in the Premiership previously during his time at Newcastle, and Martin Jol was clearly livid that his second was the reason that Spurs lost a game they really should have won.

With all the great striking talent they have, their midfield resembles a mish mash of Latvian part timers, with the increasingly useless Jenas providing the creative impetuous (its hard not to laugh when writing that, how dare I use the word creative). Can someone tell me what Jenas actually does on a football pitch? I know what the grounds men, physios and mascots all do, but I’m still struggling to figure out what his purpose is. Without some major improvements to their midfield, I think Spurs will continue to underachieve. They do have some key players to return from injury, so all is not lost, but what baffles me is how can you have a lack of quality midfielders, when you have spent more money than anyone else barring Chelsea in the last few years.

Aston Villa 1 Liverpool 2

Liverpool used their famous get out of jail free card, namely Steven Gerrard to get the 3 points at Villa Park. The performance was reminiscent of last season, with Liverpool squandering plenty of chances to put the game out of reach after going ahead through a Laursen own goal. The Torres and Kuyt partnership looks good, and the chemistry between these two men could one day be as good as Elton John and David Furnish. Regardless of the new signings, Steven Gerrard is still the man for the big occasions, scoring a wonderful free kick after a dubious decision from the referee. With Gerrard now playing firmly in the centre, and new signings Babel and Torres looking impressive, I think Liverpool’s title challenge may last longer than an adolescent sexual experience. Villa still have a lot of work to do with Reo-Mediocre living up to his new nick name. With the money they have, I think they need to invest more to compliment the brilliant talents they have upfront.

West Ham 0 Man City 2

Sven is back in business. He may be a chequebook manager, and signing players based on DVDs and Youtube may not be ideal, but Sven has never been a man to do things conventionally. The new look Man City look rather impressive, and the new signings seem to have adapted to the Premiership very quickly. In Elano, I think they have one of the singings of the season, his all round play was superb and he made Upson look like a traffic cone when he ghosted past him to set up Bianchi for the 1^st goal. Sven probably scored more times last year than the whole Man city frontline, but with the Acquisitions of Boijinov, Bianchi and Geovanni, I don’t think goals will be a problem this season.

West Ham didn’t look great, with the back line being opened up more times than a Dutch prostitute. They didn’t have enough upfront, and I feel they will need to push Ashton into the starting line up as soon as possible if they are to move on from the ineptness of last season.

Bolton 1 Newcastle 3

Big Sam puts his former team to the sword with an impressive performance from Newcastle. Removing Bramble from the Newcastle backline is the equivalent of going on Extreme makeover, suddenly things are a lot better looking. With Martins upfront they have a striker ready to take the Premiership by storm this season. His unorthodox bicycle kick was something special, and I think Martins and Viduka will turn out to be one of the most underrated and effective strike forces in the Premiership. Even without the infinitely injured Michel Owen, Newcastle will probably be the most improved side this season.

Arsenal 2 Fulham 1

Different season; same story. Arsenal go behind thanks to an error from their crazy goalkeeper, they then control the game, create hundreds of chances, and fail to score. They were fortunate enough to get a questionable penalty to level things up, and also something as rare as a giant panda, something that you may never see again. A brilliant performance from Alexander Hleb, which he topped off with a goal in the 89^th minute to snatch three points at the death. If Arsenal are to progress they will have to start taking their chances, or they can expect to have another season wondering what would have happened if Thierry was still around.

Man Utd 0 Reading 0

The Alamo springs to mind when I watched this match. Reading literally had 11 men behind the ball for 90 minutes, and I think 75% possession is a reflection of that. As Coppell said, if they had played 4-4-2 they would have got destroyed, so the tactics were spot on. Not a great start for the champions, with Wayne Rooney going off injured with a fractured foot again. When a man of Michael Duberry’s size stomps down on you, there is only going to be one outcome. Unlucky for Rooney, but Man Utd have bought an ideal replacement in Carlos Tevez, but if he isn’t ready for Portsmouth, then expect the clinical John O’Shea upfront again, how comical was that. Nani did not impress on his debut, with his touch sometimes as delicate as a WWF wrestling move. Ronaldo will find life much harder this season, and with Giggs and Scholes ageing maybe the title defence won’t be the forgone conclusion we were all expecting.

Chelsea 3 Birmingham 2

Chelsea broke Liverpool’s unbeaten top flight home record with a hard fought win 3-2 win against newcomers Birmingham. New signings Malouda and Pizarro continue to impress, both scoring on their debuts. If not for some frankly shocking goalkeeping from Doyle, the result may have been different. Makes you wonder whether there was some Bruce Grobelaar match fixing going on, especially considering the importance of the match. Kapo is another new signing that impressed me, scoring a brilliant goal to level the game at 2-2, but it was the half man, half machine hybrid of Michael Essien who grabbed the winner for Chelsea, and another one to forget for Colin Doyle. 64 home games without defeat is an unbelievable record, makes you wonder, will they ever lose another home game?

Everton 2 Wigan 1, Middlesbrough 1 Blackburn 2 & Derby 2 Portsmouth 2

Everton beat the relegation favourites Wigan with an effective performance. Matt Derbyshire scores the winner for Blackburn against the truly terrible Middlesbrough, and attempts to recreate a classic Steven Gerrard celebration, and fails miserably. Santa Cruz was also on the score sheet, coming of the bench to score on his debut. Derby secured a late draw against Harry Redknapp’s League of Nations, thanks to a diving header from Andy Todd.