Premiership Ups and Downs.....

Rather later than planned, here are the ups and downs from the Premiership this week

Going Up...

Robin Van Persie

So the glass man has entered the records books at Arsenal with a ton of goals to his name, both of which were sublime finishes. Its a shame that his injury record is so poor or else he would be in a position where he could play for one of the best teams in Europe (muhaha). Also, did anyone notice the rather bizarre commentary on MOTD for his near post finish. Rather than shout out "What a goal", the suspect (might have been Motty) screamed out "Great Refereeing!". Utterly bizarre.

Ramires

This guy might look like an Ethiopian who is constantly scurrying around for his latest meal but after his howler at Old Trafford he managed to redeem himself. His 2 lung busting efforts from midfield mean that the end is surely nigh for Monsieur Lampard

Stoke

Love them or hate them, they get results and they well worthy of a point against United. Nice to see Crouchy causing problems again (and this time, not in relation to his incessant cheating on his girlfriend).

Going Down

Steve Bruce

When Roy Keane left a few years ago, Sunderland and had an overly expensive assembled squad of Man United has beens (Bardsley, Richardson, D.Yorke), falling attendances, no trophies and a pretty turgid style of football. Fast forward 3 years and we are there again with Old Potato Head Steve Bruce (sub W.Brown, O Shea and Gibson for the above). How on earth this guy can be a manager I have no idea. All you hear is excuses, excuses and more excuses. More importantly, this guy seems to be getting bigger by the week in size and I think if he puts any more weight on he could be in danger of popping out of his suit like a deflated balloon. Surely the sack beckons sooner rather than later?

Richard Dunne

Will someone please tell this man that he is meant to put the ball in the OTHER net.

Spectators of WBA Vs Fulham

I went home last weekend to watch this debacle. Possibily one of the worst games I have ever seen (and believe you me, I have seen some shit over the years). WBA were crap and Fulham were not much better. How they managed to get 2 minutes of highlights on MOTD I have no idea. It was bit like walking in and finding your parents having sex. Upsetting, unnecessary and something which should be erased from the memory as soon as possible.

Frank Lampard

Franky better start filming some more "Super!" adverts because I think his football career could now be over. Spurned by both England and and now Chelski, the writing is pretty much on the wall

Sunil

Chicharito? Suck My Golden Balls

I was sitting in my new flat a couple of weeks ago watching the entertaining Benfica Vs Man United game when the name of Javier Hernandez was uttered by the commentator. "That's pretty cool" said my flatmate Micky when an image of the Mexican one came onto the screen. "It's like he's got his rapper's name on the back of his shirt." (Micky is a rapper/MC who goes by the name of Micky Worthless)

I immediately stated my disgust at this, not at what he said, but at the notion that a player could have his nickname emblazoned on his shirt. My response? "I'm sorry but this is just ridiculous, what the hell would have happened if David Beckham had trotted out at Old Trafford with the name Golden Balls adorned on the coveted Red Jersey? Or even worse, 'G.Balls'". Utterly ludicrous I am sure you would agree.

The funny thing is that 'Chicharito' has even more letters than Hernandez anyway (I hope my maths is right) so its hardly saving letters or time to pronounce his name. I was even wracking my brain to think if anyone else had got away witch such a ludicrous request. Why not just open the floodgates? We could have defender Fitz Hall with "One Size" on his back, a little midget could have "SWP". Did Dion Dublin ever have "Donkey D*ck" written on shirt? Where would the madness stop? I mean, should we expect Joey Barton to have the word "C*NT" written on his jersey? Actually, on second thoughts, perhaps this nickname concept isn't such a bad idea after all....

An Apology

An apology for the lack of updates recently...this hasn't been because I couldn't be arsed. I was away on my travels in Thailand and came back to find my computer had died. Not good. I will be back up and running when tonight's match is done and dusted. In the Wo meantime, I will leave you with the above picture which I took when conducting some informal scouting for my local team (ahem). Wowser

Premiership Ups and Downs.....

As the Americans would say, Gameweek 1 is over. F*CK YEAH! Let’s see who's feeling higher than Pete Doherty and those who are lower than a snake’s belly.

Going Up

Sergio Aguero & David Silva

I am sure I am not the only person who is going to be commenting on the spunktastic debut from Sergio Aguero but it was truly wonderful to watch. I mean, let’s keep it in perspective, he did enter against a tiring Swansea side, but even then his impact was terrific to watch and showed he could have the potential to perform as well as he does on Pro Evo ( sorry I mean for Atletico Madrid). It’s fair to say he could be making the sort of difference to City that Torres did to Liverpool in his first season and he could look right at home in the Premiership. However, the main joy of the game was the brilliant orchestrator David Silva. I personally think as football has progressed , especially in the Premiership, then has been a diminishing influence of the little playmaker. However, Silva is a throwback to the good old days and it’s great to see someone who relies solely on vision, touch and awareness to flourish, rather than just physical prowess. Add to this his understanding with Aguero and is it possible that we could be seeing the birth of a partnership to equal that of Dwight Yorke and Andy Cole. I suggest we stay tuned to the tabloids to see if they can score just as well as Dwight and Andy did off the pitch.

Man United

How many other teams could have one shot on target and still win 2-1 when they looked to be heading for a draw? We might as well just hand the title to them now

Michael Vorm

He may have let in 4 goals but he had an outstanding debut. Makes you wonder what Arsene Wenger is up to if even Swansea can find a decent keeper. Apparently Wenger was sent a DVD of outstanding keepers at budget prices. His retort “I didn’t see it.”

Bolton Wanderers

Partypoopers of the highest order. And with the start these guys have, its probably just as well they have points on the board early doors

Fernandos Torres

Could the forgotten one be inching back to his best? Quite possibly, but whilst playing in a team which leaves him chronically short on service we are unlikely to ever see him hit the heights of those glory days at Anfield, which is a shame.

Going Down

David de Gea

Another game, another cock up. Ashley Young helped him get away with it but expect this guy to be getting a lot of the rough stuff in his debut season.

Mario Balotelli

This guy is pi$$ed off even when he is playing and scoring. Lord knows how this loose cannon will react now that City won’t be needing him and the Aguero love in will begin. Wouldn’t surprise me to see him start some riots of his own in the near future. Watch this space.

QPR

Blackpool won 4-0 on the first day of last season and still got relegated. So it doesn’t bode well for the Super Hoops who got a mauling in front of their own fans on Saturday. Perhaps my tip of Neil Warnock getting the sack could happen sooner rather than later.

Gary Neville

Could Sky Sports now have their own version of Garth Crooks? Quite possibly. I suggest you mute the TV when this guy is on

Wayne Routledge

Apparently this clown has played for over 7 Premiership Teams, took part in over 100 games and still not scored a Premiership goal. Imagine a Porn Star who had starred in over 100 movies but not got his leg over. Please, someone tell this guy he is in the wrong business.

Joey Barton & Gervinho

Panto season starts early at St James Park. An embarrassment of the highest order. Not probably seen the famous Bowyer/Dyer debacle...talking of which...

Kieron Dyer

The glass man returns with a vengeance. He has my every sympathy but I think its about time he did the honourable thing and pack it in. This guy has had probably less game time then Winston Bogarde did at Chelsea. And that's saying something.

Sunil

The Great Sack Race

Whilst predicting who will be in the running for the title is about as easy as looting a JD Sports in Hackney, a perhaps far more difficult task is looking at who are the contenders for the chop. So let’s take a look at the managers facing a “squeaky bum time”.

Harry Redknapp

I’m gonna start off with a potential left field choice in good old ‘arry from the Lane. This is might seem a slightly ludicrous prediction but stay with me on this one. Spurs are in the god forbidden Europa League this season and probably need a good run in order to bring in extra revenue and potentially win a cup to keep Mr Levy happy. Ally this with a desperate need to get in the Champions League again to keep the likes of VDV, Modric and Bale happy and the squad at the Lane could soon be very stretched and the failure to sign a top quality centre half and striker could soon seem them plummeting down the league quicker than a lead balloon. Add to this Redknapp’s obsession of whoring himself for the England job at every opportunity and it’s not hard to see that things could take a turn for the worst quicker than expected. Harry has previously admitted that he tends to go to clubs who are struggling in form and has never been to anywhere where they are already doing well. This analysis would place him directly at the door of the England job and he would have no qualm in jumping ship, as shown by his times at Pompey and Southampton. In all honestly, I personally want to see him sacked just so Jamie doesn’t spend an hour fellating him whilst in the Sky Studio (not literally of course)

Roberto Mancini

Mancini is an interesting character to say the least. An absolute legend of a player, his attitude to management is somewhat surprisingly pragmatic. If you were to give Mancini unlimited money to buy the best ingredients the he would end up concocting a Hamburger and Fries and not a Michelin Star Meal. Let’s be honest, City are pretty horrible to watch and rely on nicking the odd goal to win games or grinding down the opposition. With Tevez likely to depart the onus could fall on Mario Balotelli to lead the line. That’s a bit like letting your 7 year old kid drive your Mercedes Benz. That’s right, you wouldn’t. Whilst City have the squad to maintain a good Champs League run unless they are in the running for the title early doors then Scarfed one could be in trouble. His negativity last season did not matter as City were only aiming for 4^th but to challenge for the title a more expansive approach will be needed. The FA Cup may have bought him time but when there is big money at stake then nothing can be put past those gazillionaire owners who are more trigger happy then Tony Montana with a machine gun.

Neil Warnock

An anagram of Neil Warnock is Colin W*nker. This has nothing to do with him getting the sack but it does always make me laugh. Colin took QPR to the title last year with plenty left to spare but this season will be a different kettle of fish. With millionaire owners refusing to give him more than about 2 quid to spend, the omens are not good. The mercurial Abel Taraadbt (hope I spelt that right) may be his saviour but Colin, although now a bit more mellowed ,still has an abrasive edge which may not go down well with his owners when the going gets tough. Nothing less than survival will be expected this year and if the R’s are in trouble around Xmas don’t be surprised to see Colin get his P45 as the owners look for a more glamorous name to splash the cash and take them to safety. I also would like to see him sacked because I think he’s a kn*b, but that’s by the by.

Alex Ferguson

Just kidding

(and a lot of you are probably thinking Arsene Wenger but even though I think he should go I would be astonished if the board fired him)

Mick McCarthy

I am sure most of you will agree that Mick is an affable chap. He also has a weird nose but I will forgive him for that. Wolves survived by the skin of their teeth last year thanks largely to an incredible record against teams in the top echelons of the table. With that unlikely to be repeated this year, the dirty Dingles will have to improve their form against the weaker sides which is far easier said than done. The signing of Roger Johnson could be key but the board will be hoping for more than last day survival this year and expect the pressure to be cranked up to the extreme this season. Mick’s saviour may be that there are probably 3 worse teams than Wolves in the league but if they are near the danger zone come Christmas then expect Mick’s nose to be put even more out of joint (not sure if that’s actually possible).

So there you go, there are my tips for the sack race. Please feel free to send me any winnings when the predictions come in.

Sunil

Football? Bah Humbug

Football is back. I should be excited. But I’m not. And that’s unusual. The impending football season for me is like the unwanted return of the Genital Herpes which you thought you had shaken off, only to return when you least expect it. This really shouldn’t be how I feel.

The Championship is a few days away and is swiftly followed by the return of the Premiership season. Cue adverts from Sky showing that we cannot live without football. But for me that simply isn’t true. After the end of the season I was actually grateful. The season finale and in particular Survival Sunday was a heart wrenching, nerve wracking spectacle which few other sports could ever match. A great note to finish on and then to take a good couple of months break before getting all excited about the next season...

....which like a flash has already arrived. But am I bothered? Not really. The two month break has descended into a two month orgy of football rumours/non football rumour which means it’s like the season has never ended. I understand that journalists must be having a difficult time of it to be honest. Like school teachers in the 6 week holiday, they have pretty much the square root of f*ck all to do. However, this for me is no excuse to just churn out non stories or link players with clubs a million times over without substance. The Tevez, Fabregas affairs are typical of this. Every time I see an article with either of these players in I just want to take the paper and wipe my arse with it. Am I the only person who thinks it would be way better if the papers just reported things when something was actually going to happen? E.g “Fab signs for Barca for £50 million on a 5 year deal.” Now there would be an article worth reading. Instead, all we get is “Fab - should he stay or go?” etc etc. Do I really give a f*ck? Just tell me when the transfer happens and then I will be interested you morons.

The internet and media have changed massively in the last few years and throw Twitter into the mix and you have a high potential for a cocktail of massive bullsh*t and conjecture. Can we really believe anything anyone says these days? Let’s take Daniel Sturridge for example. He has been linked with about nearly all 92 teams in the football league by my estimate (slight exaggeration perhaps). I mean, this is clearly a farce, newspapers are clearly taking a wild stab in the dark in order to try and claim that they got the exclusive right. Is this really what journalism is about? I am sure a few of you will be saying I should just avoid all football news but for it’s nearly impossible these days and at most times its unavoidable.

The lack of a break has not been helped by Europe. Stoke and Fulham are playing some farmers in Iceland whilst still arranging pre season friendlies. What the hell? Why bother even having a break at the end of the season these days? For me, it’s just too much. In former years, the lack of any real action in the mid season break (not sexual) would mean that I could not wait for the new season to start, with new signings abound. I do not even feel as though the old season has finished. It’s still lingering, much like an old fart. Obviously, in a couple of months I will be back in the football groove and all will be fine and dandy. I just wish that the last couple of months could have been a more football-less affair. A bit like a game at the Brittania Stadium.

Sunil

Back in August 2011

We will be returning next season....for all you football lovers out there

Ups & Downs...

A few weeks ago, I posted an article saying that I was disillusioned with football and that I had lost all faith in it. Well fast forward a few weeks and its safe to say that I am back in love with The Beautiful Game. And of course, this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my team has a great chance of winning the FA Cup ;-) . Here are the latest Premiership and FA Cup Ups & Downs.

Going Up

Barnsley
Although many people could argue that Barnsley's win over Liverpool was slightly fortunate, I don't think that anybody who witness Saturday's performance could argue that they ran out worthy winners against Chelski. Well, unless they are Alex Ferguson and Carlos Queiroz, but we will come back to that later.

Using a simple tactic of whacking the ball up to Odejayi of Barnsley, Avram Grant was hopelessly outwitted by his Barnsley counterpart Simon Davey as the Championship side turned over last season's winners. I am not entirely sure why Odejayi is not playing basketball rather than football but his massive presence made sure that Terry and Riccy C had one of their worst experiences in recent years as they were bullied off the ball left, right and centre.

Barnsley created plenty of chances and there was some heroic defending in the final stages. If the CIA needs any new bodyguards then perhaps they should employ the whole Barnsley team because these guys would have thrown themselves in front of a speeding bullet if they had to.

I don't think anyone can argue that these guys deserve to win the Cup after knocking out two of the big 4 in such spectacular fashion.

Portsmouth
Going to Old Trafford is never easy and Pompey had to ride their luck in sometimes ridiculous circumstances before securing a win which suggests that their name might just be on the cup this year.

How on earth Distin cleared that ball of the line I am not entirely sure and the winner was created in rather comical fashion as Rooney and Anderson were left as the last 2 defenders in an attempt to stop Baros breaking clear. Sulley Muntari showed that his balls were as big as the power of his shot as he lashed the ball past Rio Ferdinand to hand Pompey victory. I can think of many places that Rio would rather have been then standing in the line of fire of Muntari, with the obvious contender him being on Facebook organising one of his legendary Roast Parties. He may as well have been actually as Muntari ripped the ball past him to silence Old Trafford.

West Brom
The final scoreline of 5-1 was a touch flattering but don't write of the Baggies for the Cup this year. Though their defence is suspect to stay the least, they have awesome goalpower as demonstrates at the Memorial Ground. Ishmael Miller was the pick of the players for the Baggies with an excellent hat-trick. West Brom will be hoping for a better trip to Wembley than last time where they lost to Derby in the play off final. How the fuck they lost that day is one of life's greatest mysteries along with who shot JFK and how on earth Michael Jackson's kids are white. Answers on a postcard please.

Torres and Gerrard
I think that these two might have some kind of Dwight and Andy thing going on because the way they combined against Newcastle was simply irresistable. Many people say that Liverpool used to be a one man team but now they are definitely a two man team as the Torres-Gerrard axis tore Newcastle to shreds. The Reds are in fine fettle at the moment as they continue to steam forward with their traditional excellent form after Christmas. Who knows, perhaps its something to do with that much criticised rotation policy...?

Going Down

Alex Ferguson and Carlos Querioz
I have generally hidden my disgust at all things Manchester United in recent seasons, whether it be the ridiculous timekeeping, the amount of filthy winners they used to get back in the day or Ferguson's constant whinging and moaning. However, my feelings have died down in recent years as a result of Fergie mellowing out and United being one of the best footballing sides in the country. That and the fact I have a load of their players in my Dream Team.

Anyway, Ferguson and Querioz brought back memories of the good old days with their quite ridiculous criticism of the referee Martin Atkinson during Saturday's defeat against Portsmouth. As far as I could see, the ref only got two things wrong on Saturday. One was not awarding Ronaldo a penno after being body checked by Distin. The only other error I could see that he made was possibly not sending off Wayne Rooney after he launched himself at Nico Kranjcar (who was to have the last laugh). For a hysteric Querioz to say that the referee should himself have been sent off was simply hilarious, but for him to say that Pompey's Diarra's tackling was akin to Taylor's leg breaker on Eduardo was simply disgraceful. Lets get some perspective here, Eduardo nearly lost his foot whilst Ronaldo was simply pushed over a few times and the only thing he would have got damaged was his haircut. (talking of which, what exactly does he put in there? Fergie's spunk?).

All in all it was hilarious to see Man Utd blow a catlaogue of chances and then end up with Rio Ferdinand getting merked by Sulley Muntari in the dying minutes.

Middlesborough
When your own manager admits that you froze on the big occasion at home against a team in the lower half of the Championship then you know that you have balls like cashew buts. Boro were outlclassed in every department as they were embarrassed in front of their own support and live on National Television. The last time I saw a performance that bad was when I watched John Travolta in Battlestar Galactica (just for the record, I didn't actually see that film , but you get the gist).

Wigan's Pitch
Allowing a town to play rugby and football on the same pitch? In this day and age? The same for both sides it may be but this pitch could be the deciding factor in Wigan staying up as it really is a leveller of prodigious proportions.

West Ham and Alan Curbishley
Losing 4-0 in three successive games is pretty shambolic no matter who the opposition as the Hammers remain firmly lodged in mid-table. Alan Curbishley looks set to continue his not so envious record of having a terrible 2nd half of the season whichever his club may be at. Perhaps they should get 2 managers, one for each half of the season. Worse still was the sight of Dean Ashton looking like Mido up front. i.e fat, slow and rubbish

Avram Grant
For Avram Grant read Ronaldo and Thierry Henry i.e big game bottler. The Israeli looks like a dead man walking at the moment (literally) and surely the writing is on the wall. His team looked disinterested, lacking fight (unless Terry is rucking with Ten Cate) and surprisingly short on quality as Luke Steele didn't have to make save of note during the whole game. I think its fair to say that we won't be seeing this miserable fucker on our screens next year. Jose must be loving it at the moment.

Mark Bright
Is this guy Garth Crooks in disguise? Get this clown off the TV. Another waste of licence money methinks.

Phil Bardsley

A truly disgusting tackle to prove that 90% of footballers are as thick as shit after everything that has happened in recent weeks. How he didn't break Fernandes' leg is a mystery really.

Sunil

An extract from Torres' autobiography.....

Even as a Liverpool fan I thought this was kinda funny, this was stolen mercilessly from the bbc message boards. Enjoy


"Flying into Manchester airport for the signing was one of the most exciting days of my career. The limo transferring me took a while longer to reach the ground than I expected but once there I was greeted by a sea of red. The chanting and atmosphere were brilliant and it all passed by in a blur.

Once inside the ground I was greeted by the manager, the first time we had met face to face. He was a lot heavier than I expected but spoke to me in good Spanish which made me feel most welcome. We went straight into a conference room for the official signing.

After I had put pen to paper the manager turned to me and said "Welcome to the biggest club in the World".

I said thank you and asked "When will I meet Wayne and Cristiano"?

There followed about ten minutes of confusion from which it transpired that there are two clubs in the North West of England known as the "Reds" and my idiot agent had got them mixed up.

However I had signed so had to get on with it. Benitez was known as the "Gaffer". I asked Stevie G (the only other player at the club who could control the ball) why this was.

He explained that in English "gaffe" is an embarassing mistake. Apparently even the owners called Rafa "gaffer".

All I can do now is play really well and hope that Real, Barca or possibly Barnsley come and save me from my nightmare.

Some days after training I drive from Liverpool to Manchester and sit outside Old Trafford and dream of what might have been. I can sit there for hours.

Then Stevie will nudge me and say "Come on Nando, we have to go back".

We drive silently back to the gaffer.


Taken from "How did I get here?" by Fernando Torres.

Who's Worse....Alan Smith or Emmanuel Eboue?

I write this article as I watch Emmanuel Eboue miss a golden chance to put Arsenal ahead in the San Siro. By the time I get to the end of this article we will find out if this miss was to ultimately prove crucial.

Watching the terrible miss made me realise what a shambolic player this guy is. He can't cross, he can't tackle and he sure as hell can't shoot. And aside from that he is one of the most despicable characters in the game, with his play acting tactics, his filthy tackles and his insistence of trying to get opposition players booked by waving an imaginary card. I am sat here thinking, he surely in total is one of the most horrible footballers in the modern game?

But then I thought, hold on what about a certain Yorkshire cunt-head called Alan Smith, currently plying his trade at Newcastle. To be fair to Smithers, he did show some early promise at Leeds United under David O' Leary and many people seemed to revel in his "never say die attitude". However, I personally thought that Alan Smith was a filthy bastard, always flying late into tackles and winding up the opposition for no apparent reason other than to try and get them embroiled in a fight.

Smith cried when Leeds got relegated from the Premiership but those tears were quickly wiped away I am sure when he joined the team Leeds hate more than anyone, Manchester United. His Judas stature in Leeds folklore was secure.

Smith's tenure at Man Utd started off pretty well but soon descended into mediocrity as Fergie, realising that Smudger was a shit striker, attempted to deploy him as a midfielder, with equally disastrous results. Fergie's attempts to turn him into the next Roy Keane turned out to be as effective as turning Hurley from Lost into a supermodel.

Smith broke his leg against Liverpool and during this spell on the sidelines he scored as many goals as if he would have been playing. None.

In the summer, Smith moved to Newcastle for a whopping £6m, despite only 7 goals in 61 games for Man United, a truly terrible record for a striker. That's almost a worse scoring record than me (almost).

However, Smith has tried to excel himself in his ineptitude by scoring no goals for Newcastle so far. It is actually true that if you stuck a monkey up front then they couldn't have a worse record. In fact, why not just play with 10 men. Add to this the fact that he is still a thug and the only thing Smith can be proud of is that he once banged Gemma Atkinson, though having heard her sex-ploits, she probably has a pussy like a wizard's sleeve (or clown's pocket, take your pick).

Rumour has it that Smith also has an IQ of 88, a score so low I didn't know it existed.

So who would you rather not have in your team, Smith or Eboue? As the guy from Blind Date would say, the choice is yours

Sunil

P.S As I write this Adebayor has just secured a 2-0 win meaning that Eboue's howler was not punished.

P.P.S Even as a closet Gooner, I wish people would stop going on about this "team spirit". That term is something only used when teams win isn't it, where does it go when team's lose eh? So shut the hell up about it.