Av It

Avram Grant has replaced Titus Bramble here at On The Bench as our favourite figure of fun. I recently said that the Chelski manager looked a bit like Toad off Wind in the Willows but I have also been reliably informed that the Israeli bears a striking resemblance to Sam The Eagle off the Muppets. As you can see, its something which is hard to argue with

Martin Jol……The Cat With Nine Lives

I have written this article merely minutes after the game at White Hart Lane where Tottenham staged a remarkable comeback to grab a point against a stunned Aston Villa.

Kaboul capped an incredible rescue act in injury time after Spurs looked down out with 20 minutes left and facing a deficit of 4-1.

Paul Robinson had another nightmare as Villa ripped Tottenham to shreds and Martin O Neill must be tearing his hair out after his side threw way three points on Spurs 125^th Anniversary.

Villa hadn’t scored away from home before today which goes to show just how truly inept the Spurs side are at the moment.

So where did it go wrong for Villa? Well the catalyst appears to have been the introduction of Marlon Harewood, possibly one of the worst signings of the summer.

He gave away a needless penalty at 2-4 and also didn’t do one thing right during the whole of his performance. In fact, I would probably go as far as to say that it was the worst cameo performance I have seen since OJ Simpson appeared in Naked Gun.

Daniel Levy celebrated when Kaboul slammed home the equaliser but deep down he looked quite annoyed as if it hadn’t gone in then he was primed to deliver the axe to Jol. That goal will probably give the Dutchman a brief stay of execution but surely it will be sooner rather than later that he gets the bullet. Spurs are still in the bottom three and every time a team attacks them they look like they are gonna fold like Frank Bruno did against Mike Tyson all those years ago.

Just how many lives does Martin Jol have left?

Sunil

Fergie Mark II

A few weeks ago we posted a hilarious video of Alex Ferguson celebrating what he thought was an equaliser in the Manchester Derby

Well it looks like the Scot isn't the only man who has the tendency to get over excited as this clip shows. Here, an Atletico Madrid executive gets ahead of himself thinking they've
equalised....when sadly they hadn't.



I think the funniest thing about this clip is the fact that the guy next to him has no sympathy whatsoever and carries on laughing even when Fergie Mark II is clearly pissed off. If that was Fergie he probably would have spat his chewing gum right in his face

Sunil

Premiership Ups and Downs....

Going Up

Man City, Elano and Petrov

Im starting to believe that Man City are the real deal this season, they have a solid defence, and a brilliant midfield. If they had a few decent strikers they could actually challenge for some of the top spots. Sven's skills on Football Manager have clearly paid off, and with Elano and Petrov they have two of the best signings I have seen in a long time. If these two keep playing they way they are then expect big things from Man City, it makes you wonder how these two great talents went under the radar of some of the bigger clubs in the league, I think maybe a few more managers need to get a copy of Football Manager before the season kicks off.

Arsenal

Another game, another win. Last season the Gooners would have lost this kind of game, this season they are a different outfit with a confidence developed through losing their best player. If you look at teams that have lost their main striker in recent times, they have gone on to be more successful. Liverpool lost Owen and went on to win the Champions League and the FA Cup and Man Utd lost Ruud to then go on and win the league. So losing your best players is sometimes a blessing in disguise, especially when your best player has an attitude that could ruin team spirit. and we all know Thierry was clearly a threatening presence.

Man Utd

Lets face it, the champions have been very poor this season, but they still find themselves near the top of the table. If Birmingham were aware of where the goal was, they would have buried Man Utd long before the half time whistle blew, but unfortunately they were lacking in quality, and allowed Ronaldo to sneak in to snatch an unlikely 1-0 win, but clearly it wasn’t that unlikely as they have won many of their previous outings by that scoreline. Their strikers are still misfiring, Rooney looks off the pace, Saha is their top scorer even though he has only played 5 minutes of football, but all in all you have to say that things look good for Man Utd, because when the star players start performing, not only will they be winning games, but they will be winning them in style.

Portsmouth, Benjani & The Beautiful Game

Its not often that you see an eleven goal thriller in a football match, its more likely to occur in a “high scoring" England rugby match considering how poor they are right now. This game was a great advertisement for the Premiership, but you have to wonder about the mental state of the managers after seeing their defence concede 11 goals combined. I think the most bizarre moment of the game was seeing the often impotent Benjani scoring a very impressive hat-trick, he has always been a player who seems afraid of scoring, he simply doesn’t know where the goal is, but this season he has been in great form.

Liverpool & Benayoun

Liverpool finally picked up a less than deserved win against Wigan, but playing badly and winning is something that Man Utd have trademarked in recent years, and if Liverpool can master it then maybe they have a chance to win the title this season. Benayoun rescued the 3 points with a superb solo effort, and looks like a player who is playing his way into a starting spot with two brilliant goals within a week. The importance of this win can not be underestimated especially with games against Tottenham, Everton, Arsenal and Blackburn coming up. If anyone can correctly guess Rafas next three starting line ups I will give them a special prize.

Arteta

Not much to say apart from this man is pure brilliance, if he was in a top four side we would be calling him one of the best in the world. Criminally underrated.

Going Down

Chelsea & The Empire

Chelsea look like they could be in big big trouble, they were fortunate not to lose their much coveted home record and losing their captain to a broken cheekbone could spell the end of their title hopes this season. They are already 7 points off the pace and its only October. Avram has a tough job on his hands to motivate a team who he clearly doesn’t have the backing of. The ghost of Mourinho will continue to haunt this team. But with Abramovich still pumping money into the club, the dynasty isn’t finished just yet.

Linesmen

Has the need for video replays been any stronger? If the decisions at Upton Park and the JJB been correct the weekend results would have been much different, how long can the Premiership survive with linesmen making so many mistakes.

Steven Gerrard

Stevie G started the season in terrific form and was unbelievable against Chelsea, but ever since the debacle with his broken toe he has been more Igor Biscan than the Gerrard we know and love. Many say his last great performance was against West Ham in the FA cup, is the man we once called the best midfielder in the world on the wane? Being outshone by Jason Koumas is not a good sign of things to come.

Tottenham

They still have a game in hand, but being joint bottom in October is simply shocking.

Cult Heroes……Part 3

If you were to compile an all time Worst Players XI, then Francis Benali would probably be one of the first names on the teamsheet, although Kieran Richardson might give him a run for his money on his current form. So what makes Francis a Cult Hero?

Well in today’s money grabbing, mercenary football world where players change teams faster than Callum Best changes his women, Benali had that one thing which most football fans love above anything else. Loyalty

Apart from the odd loan spell, Benali spent his almost whole career at Southampton racking up over 350 appearances for the Saints. Granted, the reason he stayed so long at the Saints is because he was too shit to sign for everyone else, but that would be missing the point as Benali is the sort of player for whom the term “stalwart” fitted perfectly.

Benali couldn’t defend, could barely tackle, had no pace and couldn’t cross to save his life. Added to that his spectacular ability to score own goals and its still a mystery how he managed to become a Saints regular but I am sure he wasn’t complaining.

Benali’s inability to tackle would normally end in disaster and he regularly got on the wrong side of officials, receiving an incredible 11 red cards. His tackling was worse than that of the ginger ninja Paul Scholes. However, seeing as his position was a defender this presented a bit of a concern as it would generally be considered to be an essential part of his role. I suppose it’s a bit like applying to be a porn star and then telling the director you only have a one inch cock. You really should just be doing something else.

Benali was a shrewd man though, and in the days where footballers actually had a job after their career he joined a business venture in helping to run an Indian restaurant. It’s a shame that Benali wasn’t capable of the devastating runs that his curries were producing.

He notched just one goal during his long and not so distinguished career. A truly shocking figure but still more than that other legend, Rob Jones. Benali was also a member of the football’s dodgy moustache club which meant he looked a touch like the bastard child of Tom Selleck and Freddie Mercury. Thankfully, he had the intelligence later in his career to shave it off.

Francis Benali…………WE SALUTE YOU!!!

Sunil

***Roast Watch***

Ok, this may not be an article about a full on John Terry/Kieron Dyer spit roast but there is no denying that Reading centre forward Leroy Lita has been caught with his pants down. Literally.

As reported in the News of the World

"FOOTBALL idol Leroy Lita played dirty when he filmed himself having sex with a mystery girl—then sent the video to his team-mates.

The Reading and England under-21 striker clearly reckoned he was giving a man-of-the-match performance as he captured the sex session on his mobile.

But after he Bluetoothed the sordid film to pals at Reading, it got passed on and has now reached clubs across the country, including Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal."

Good work Leroy. Apparently Leroy's display lasted a mere 1 minute and 53 seconds in total, significantly shorter than the time he normally puts in a substitute appearance for the Royals. As we all know though, it only takes a second to score though, so fair play to the lad.

Perhaps more concerning were Steve Coppell's comments as reported in the Daily Telegraph

"I don't know the ins and outs"

With all due respect Steve, I don't think its hard to figure out the exact details on this one. I could come up with a million more puns about scoring, finishing in the box, great performance etc , but I can't be bothered so I will leave that to you......

Sunil

Some people never get tired of laughing at spurs, and this rendition of "I will survive" is hilarious. Poor poor Martin Jol, how much more of this can he take?

I Will Survive - By Martin Jol

First I was afraid, I was petrified, Kept thinking I could never turn Spurs into a top 4 side

But I spent oh so many nights thinking how Staltari did me wrong, Perhaps I'm wrong??, but I'll just have to carry on and we'll be back, into 5th place..

I'll just wait till the transfer window to sign another waste of space, I should have sold Paul Robinson, I should have dropped him from the team, If I had known for just one second he'd concede more goals than Derby Coun-ty,

Go on now go, Bent, there's the door, Just turn around now, 'cause you don't score goals anymore, weren't you the one that cost more than Thierry Henry, I knew you'd crumble, I'd rather have Emile Hes-key....

Oh no cause I, I will survive, as long as I win the next 6 games I know I will stay alive, I've got Tainio who is shat, & Huddlestone who's just fat, but I'll survive.... I will survive…

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart, kept trying hard to mend Defoe's relationship with his little tart

And I spent oh so many nights trying on John Barnes' tights

And oh I've cried, I want the Spurs job till I die!

And you see Keane, he hates me too I subbed him off when we were winning, then we went and ****ing drew! And now Im scratching my big chin, why can't I just sell Ledley King? If I'm gonna save my skin, I'll need some politics style Spin!!

When It Rains It Pours....

Avram Grant might look like a strange human being, but to add further embarrassment to the Chelsea plight, its seems as if his wife is a bit of a mentalist.

This is a picture of his wife drinking her own urine on live television. No Joke! lol


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=483489&in_page_id=1879

Premiership Ups and Downs.......

Going Up......

The Gooners

The Gooners handed Derby another beating to extend their lead at the top of the Premiership. The Wengerboys (no, not that terrible Dutch pop group) were imperious as Derby were completely outclassed. Things were so comfortable that Arsenal were able to rest Van Persie and hand a start to Da Silva, who looks like the bastard child of Prince.

Fabregas continued his goalscoring streak and Adebayor bagged a hat-trick against the hapless Rams. Many people have said that the Togo international has benefited the most since the departure of Mr Va Va Voom. Whilst that may be true in a footballing sense I don’t think that anyone can deny that Adebayor’s celebrations just aren’t the same without him doing that slightly homosexual jig of delight. Surely there must be another person who can step into Henry’s shoes?

Mark Viduka

Mark Viduka bagged a brace as Newcastle took three points against the Hammers. There were rumours that Allarderci wanted to sign Heskey just to partner him with Owen but why bother when you already have Viduka? If Emile Heskey was a prototype then Viduka is the final product. All he needs to do is stop sharing the same diet plan as Fat Frank and he will be fine.

Portsmouth

Pompey gained a great win at Ewood and having faced Liverpool, Arsenal, and Man Utd already, their points total is not to be sniffed out. Fifty year old Kanu got the winner against a tired looking Blackburn to continue their good start to the season.

Going Down......

Avram Grant

Nothing that Mr Grant could do to stop Manchester United winning on Sunday but it remains unclear as to how long he will actually be able to manage Chelsea for. Could it be another case of Israel illegally occupying a territory? Doubt surrounds Grants position and surely he will not be lasting long in the Chelski hot seat.

Also, as you can see from the picture above, our boy Avram looks like a character out of Wind in the Willows, which is a very dubious honour.

Andy Johnson

The aptly named Johnson had another nightmare as his goal drought continued. After his midweek penalty missing antics, Johnson was substituted after another goal-less display. He is going through a bigger dry spell than me at the moment and you get the feeling he just needs any type of goal to get him going, even if it’s the dirtiest goal you can imagine. I could probably do with doing the same and bagging myself some dirty minger just to get my confidence up. After that I am sure both me and AJ will be back to their prolific best.

Antti Niemi

I wrote this article shortly after watching the film “The Departed”. The basic plotline in the film is about two undercover cops trying to suss if each other is rat. Well after watching Fulham take on Man City at the Cottage I think that Lawrie Sanchez should be checking to see if Niemi was working undercover for Man City. Niemi was at fault for all three of Man City’s goals, and its fair to say that there was a whiff of Bruce Grobelaar about his performance.

Rafa

Rafa Benitez reminds me of a thick student who is unable to complete his exams and has to keep repeating the year. He will just never learn. Rafas rotation policy could cost Liverpool the title but will he realise before it’s too late?

El Nino again found himself on the bench as Rafa decided to deploy a side with no pace up front. Liverpool toiled against a well organised Brum and had to make do with a point. Who knows the reasoning behind Benitez’s tactics but how many other top teams would you see leave their best striker on the bench? Rooney, Adebayor, Drogba? Course not. El Nino is a sprightly young chap, surely has can play almost every Premiership game? Torres is the man who has shown that he is the person to give Liverpool that extra dimension up front. As Alan Hansen would say, what are all defenders scared of? Pace

What would Birmingham rather defend against? Sloth from the Goonies (that’s Kuyt) and a pony tailed Porn Star? Or El Nino? Exactly

More importantly, does Rafa not know that I have Torres in my Fantasy Football Team and he is seriously damaging my chances of winning. Do us a favour Rafa, and bring back El Nino. And please get rid of that ridiculous goatee. It was funny at first but now it’s just pissing me off.

Grant Leadbitter & Stewart Downing

After slotting home an excellent opener for the Black Cats, Leadbitter went to try and do the trade mark slide on his knees only to get it hopelessly wrong. He then pretended to give the silencer to the home support. Get your celebration right next time you prat. I was glad when Lee Cattermole tried his best to pole axe him later on.

Stewart Downing slammed home an excellent goal before then committing a heinous crime by doing the Emile Heskey DJ celebration. Are things really that bad that footballer’s have to nick each others celebrations these days? Come on guys, let’s have some originality.

Sunil

An Apology........

Alright guys, sorry for the lack of updates over the last couple of weeks. This has been due to circumstances beyond our control. But don't worry, we will be back up to speed as soon as possible. Remember, if you would like to contribute to our site then get in touch at on-the-bench@hotmail.co.uk