The Most Disgraceful Thing I Have Seen In Football...

Dida should be punished for probably the worst attempt to cheat since Charles Ingram on WWTBAM.

Rotating Rafa

Fancy seeing if you are one step ahead of Rafa Benitez and also winning a bit of cash?

This could be the website for you!

http://www.fantasyrafa.com/

Anfield Agony......

Before I write about Liverpool's performance I would just like to say that I didn't actually get the best view of the game. I decided to watch the game in a pub in South West London with about 5 different screens but every time I got a good view either some outrageously tall person would stand in front of me or someone with a hair do like Marge Simpson would get in the way. I swear, do these people intentionally go to pubs to get in your way cos I am pretty sure that I never see them anywhere else.

Anyway, even though I didn't have the best seat in the house the general gist I got from the game was that Liverpool were absolutely terrible. In fact, I think the last time they were so abject was their first half against AC Milan a couple of years ago in the Champs League Final. At least then they were just genuinely outclassed. Today they were just absolutely woeful.

With Pennant suspended and Babel on the bench, Rafa drafted in Benayoun and Leto into the midfield alongside Sissoko. Crouch partnered Torres up front to complete the forward line.

The first half was a tepid affair with Liverpool playing with little or no urgency against a well organised Marseille side. Crouch looked well off the pace an no longer looks like the player who has got "good feet for a little man". He couldn't trap a bag of cement and he must have a trampoline in his chest because everytime he tried to trap the ball it bounced about 20 yards of him.

Liverpool appeared to have no real game plan and played with no tempo as Marseille controlled the majority of possession. They had a goal harhly disallowed for offside which would have given them probably a deserved lead at the break.

Liverpool got worse after half time as Marseille's high tempo pressing game continued to deny Liverpool time and space and the Reds increasingly looked for the long ball to get them out of trouble.

The visitors eventually got the goal they deserved as Valbuena curled in a delicous effort which Pepe Reina could only stand and admire. A flurry of late substitutions and a late rally resulted in Torres being denied a goal by a combination of post and defender. However, it would have been an equaliser that the Reds scarcely deserved.

A few weeks ago, after Liverpool trounced Derby, people said that we would soon see if Liverpool were the real deal. Well if tonights performance was anything to go by, then they most certainly are not. Without Pennnant and Babel, they seriously lacked pace in the final third and any meaningful creativity.

Momo Sissoko was all over the shop and needs to be taken out the firing line asap whilst Gerrard looked like he was still thinking about that kid he run over the other day.

I am not entirely sure why Babel and Mascherano were on the bench, perhaps Rafa underestimated Marseille. Mascherano is Liverpools best holding player, even when Alonso is fit. Rafa has stated time and time again that he is rotating to keep his players fresh for the last games of the season. That surely is the most ridiculous thing ever. What if Liverpool are out of contention by then? They are going to have the fittest players around but they could potentially be playing for sweet FA.

Its a bit like meeting a girl on a drunken night out who wants to sleep with you and then you saying "not tonight love, I am a bit too hammered to give you the pleasure you deserve, but I will call you in a few weeks when I am a bit more sober and then I will show you the time of your life."

So what happens in a few weeks? That's right, you give her a call and find that shes happily married and looking to have kids. And what are you doing? Holding your balls wishing you had banged her that night. Lesson? Don't plan too far ahead and live for the day or else you will be regretting those missed opportunities.

With some tough fixtures coming up this could be make or break time for Rafa Benitez. Jose for Anfield anyone?

Sunil

(I was pleased to see the team defending a 1-0 deficit, absolutely abysmal and probably the worst performance I have seen from a Liverpool side since Houllier was around. - Ed)

What Does He Look Like......

A few things which are annoying me.....

1) I watched Man United's game on ITV and almost wanted to throw my television out of the window. Not because of the game itself which was pretty tedious but because of the ridiculously bad commentary. A job of a commentator is to give a reasonably balanced view of proceedings and have a decent knowledge of the teams who are playing.

Tydesley was really getting on my wick in the first half. Instead of talking about the game he spent the whole of the first half talking about the 7-1 pasting Man U handed out last year. Granted, this was bound to be mentioned but to constantly talk about every incident of the game in relation to that result was simply outrageous and very bloody annoying. Was there any mention of Roma's decent form this season and how coupled with Man Utd's shot shy team this could be an incredibly tight game? Course not, Tyldesely was too busy whipping himself into a frenzy over last year's result. For God's sake Clive, take off those rose tinted spectacles and do your fecking job.

And don't even get me started on David "Ronaldeano" Pleat.

2) It looks as though John Terry has once again done the impossible and could be fit to play against Valencia. Am I not the only person who is sick and tired of the hype surrounding every injury that JT gets? Whenever he gets injured the first diagnosis always appears to be that he is about for about a month and therefore will miss key games for both club and country. Cue mass hysteria on how he is to be replaced and how Chelski are getting bad luck with injuries. Then , shock horror iron man JT overcomes all the odds to fight off that career threatening injury and is set to play the next game after all. He really is that man who will sweat blood and tears to pull on the jersey. What a load of garbage. Stop making JT to be some sort of inspirational leader who will overcome adversity to play the game. Its nonsense, just admit that the injury wasn't that bloody serious in the first place.

3) Andy Townsend. No particular reason. I just think hes a rubbish pundit

4) Steve Ryder's hair. Not exactly sure what is going on there

Sunil

***Roast Watch***

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Av It

Avram Grant has replaced Titus Bramble here at On The Bench as our favourite figure of fun. I recently said that the Chelski manager looked a bit like Toad off Wind in the Willows but I have also been reliably informed that the Israeli bears a striking resemblance to Sam The Eagle off the Muppets. As you can see, its something which is hard to argue with

Martin Jol……The Cat With Nine Lives

I have written this article merely minutes after the game at White Hart Lane where Tottenham staged a remarkable comeback to grab a point against a stunned Aston Villa.

Kaboul capped an incredible rescue act in injury time after Spurs looked down out with 20 minutes left and facing a deficit of 4-1.

Paul Robinson had another nightmare as Villa ripped Tottenham to shreds and Martin O Neill must be tearing his hair out after his side threw way three points on Spurs 125^th Anniversary.

Villa hadn’t scored away from home before today which goes to show just how truly inept the Spurs side are at the moment.

So where did it go wrong for Villa? Well the catalyst appears to have been the introduction of Marlon Harewood, possibly one of the worst signings of the summer.

He gave away a needless penalty at 2-4 and also didn’t do one thing right during the whole of his performance. In fact, I would probably go as far as to say that it was the worst cameo performance I have seen since OJ Simpson appeared in Naked Gun.

Daniel Levy celebrated when Kaboul slammed home the equaliser but deep down he looked quite annoyed as if it hadn’t gone in then he was primed to deliver the axe to Jol. That goal will probably give the Dutchman a brief stay of execution but surely it will be sooner rather than later that he gets the bullet. Spurs are still in the bottom three and every time a team attacks them they look like they are gonna fold like Frank Bruno did against Mike Tyson all those years ago.

Just how many lives does Martin Jol have left?

Sunil

Fergie Mark II

A few weeks ago we posted a hilarious video of Alex Ferguson celebrating what he thought was an equaliser in the Manchester Derby

Well it looks like the Scot isn't the only man who has the tendency to get over excited as this clip shows. Here, an Atletico Madrid executive gets ahead of himself thinking they've
equalised....when sadly they hadn't.



I think the funniest thing about this clip is the fact that the guy next to him has no sympathy whatsoever and carries on laughing even when Fergie Mark II is clearly pissed off. If that was Fergie he probably would have spat his chewing gum right in his face

Sunil

Premiership Ups and Downs....

Going Up

Man City, Elano and Petrov

Im starting to believe that Man City are the real deal this season, they have a solid defence, and a brilliant midfield. If they had a few decent strikers they could actually challenge for some of the top spots. Sven's skills on Football Manager have clearly paid off, and with Elano and Petrov they have two of the best signings I have seen in a long time. If these two keep playing they way they are then expect big things from Man City, it makes you wonder how these two great talents went under the radar of some of the bigger clubs in the league, I think maybe a few more managers need to get a copy of Football Manager before the season kicks off.

Arsenal

Another game, another win. Last season the Gooners would have lost this kind of game, this season they are a different outfit with a confidence developed through losing their best player. If you look at teams that have lost their main striker in recent times, they have gone on to be more successful. Liverpool lost Owen and went on to win the Champions League and the FA Cup and Man Utd lost Ruud to then go on and win the league. So losing your best players is sometimes a blessing in disguise, especially when your best player has an attitude that could ruin team spirit. and we all know Thierry was clearly a threatening presence.

Man Utd

Lets face it, the champions have been very poor this season, but they still find themselves near the top of the table. If Birmingham were aware of where the goal was, they would have buried Man Utd long before the half time whistle blew, but unfortunately they were lacking in quality, and allowed Ronaldo to sneak in to snatch an unlikely 1-0 win, but clearly it wasn’t that unlikely as they have won many of their previous outings by that scoreline. Their strikers are still misfiring, Rooney looks off the pace, Saha is their top scorer even though he has only played 5 minutes of football, but all in all you have to say that things look good for Man Utd, because when the star players start performing, not only will they be winning games, but they will be winning them in style.

Portsmouth, Benjani & The Beautiful Game

Its not often that you see an eleven goal thriller in a football match, its more likely to occur in a “high scoring" England rugby match considering how poor they are right now. This game was a great advertisement for the Premiership, but you have to wonder about the mental state of the managers after seeing their defence concede 11 goals combined. I think the most bizarre moment of the game was seeing the often impotent Benjani scoring a very impressive hat-trick, he has always been a player who seems afraid of scoring, he simply doesn’t know where the goal is, but this season he has been in great form.

Liverpool & Benayoun

Liverpool finally picked up a less than deserved win against Wigan, but playing badly and winning is something that Man Utd have trademarked in recent years, and if Liverpool can master it then maybe they have a chance to win the title this season. Benayoun rescued the 3 points with a superb solo effort, and looks like a player who is playing his way into a starting spot with two brilliant goals within a week. The importance of this win can not be underestimated especially with games against Tottenham, Everton, Arsenal and Blackburn coming up. If anyone can correctly guess Rafas next three starting line ups I will give them a special prize.

Arteta

Not much to say apart from this man is pure brilliance, if he was in a top four side we would be calling him one of the best in the world. Criminally underrated.

Going Down

Chelsea & The Empire

Chelsea look like they could be in big big trouble, they were fortunate not to lose their much coveted home record and losing their captain to a broken cheekbone could spell the end of their title hopes this season. They are already 7 points off the pace and its only October. Avram has a tough job on his hands to motivate a team who he clearly doesn’t have the backing of. The ghost of Mourinho will continue to haunt this team. But with Abramovich still pumping money into the club, the dynasty isn’t finished just yet.

Linesmen

Has the need for video replays been any stronger? If the decisions at Upton Park and the JJB been correct the weekend results would have been much different, how long can the Premiership survive with linesmen making so many mistakes.

Steven Gerrard

Stevie G started the season in terrific form and was unbelievable against Chelsea, but ever since the debacle with his broken toe he has been more Igor Biscan than the Gerrard we know and love. Many say his last great performance was against West Ham in the FA cup, is the man we once called the best midfielder in the world on the wane? Being outshone by Jason Koumas is not a good sign of things to come.

Tottenham

They still have a game in hand, but being joint bottom in October is simply shocking.