Platoon......

One of the players up for nomination for Worst Playacting Ever this week is Knut Anders of Norway. Now I know what some of you are thinking, he shares the name of famous royalty, King Knut. The less educated of you are probably laughing at the fact that if you cunningly re-arrange the letters of his first name then you get Kunt.

Either way, this video was recently brought to my attention after the antics of Dida the other week. Now, for me to defend Dida's actions would be almost as bad as defending OJ Simpson during his murder trial but at least Dida was slightly tapped, which cannot be said for Mr Anders. His actions are quite simply outrageous and his acting talents are clearly being wasted in the beautiful game as he really should be being paid to be an extra in war films.

I am not sure whether he got punished for this incredible behaviour but I personally think he should have been given a lifetime ban. You can judge his antics for yourself and then decide whether he should have your vote for Worst Playacting Ever.

Sunil

Premiership Ups & Downs....

Going Up

Chelsea & Avram












Some may call Avram another Israeli illegally occupying something, but no one can deny that he has had a good week. Cheslea finally scored a Premiership goal, with Kalou netting the winner in an evenly fought game. I'm sure Avram is feeling pleased with himself right now, with important wins against Valencia & Bolton leaving Chelsea in a much better position than when he first took over. Avram is by no means the man that Mourinho is, but these wins and the return of Frank Lampard can only mean better results amd an increased cafeteria bill.

Arsenal & Van Persie

Last season Arsenal would have probably passed their way into the changing room, rather than get the ball into the net for the winner. This season however things have changed, even afer a brave fightback from Sunderland we all knew Arsenal would get the goal they needed to win the game, regardless of Theo Walcott's Akinbiyi impression. Van Persie is looking back to his best, and they just cant seem to stop the man whose right foot might as well be strapped up and replaced with something more useful, but it cant be denied that he truly is going to be a world class player

Man Utd, Ronaldo & Anderson

Ronaldo's black eye did not stop him from tearing apart Wigan, and helping Man Utd to the top of the table for a brief time. They are starting to play well, and im sure the performance of the protitute roasting Anderson, will give Fergie some hope for the future. His passing was sublime at times, and he seems to be gaining in confidence. Tevez looked dangerous and Rooney is scoring again and with Ronaldo they have a player who can create alot out of nothing.

Elano and Sven

Simply the best player in the league on current form and probably the buy of the season. His finishing is different class, and with freekicks as acccurate as a Peter North cum shot, I'm sure Man City fans can expect to see alot more class from this man. And perhaps people are now realising that Sven is actually a decent manager and the reason he had no success with England is just cos they are shit. His club record speaks for itself.

Michael Owen & Alan Shearer

Back from injury AGAIN, another goal, more Owen hype, more people thinking Owen is the second coming and even more sexual enjoyment for Mr Shearer; who seems to love felating Owen at any moment he can. Get a room guys.

Robbie Keane

Quite possibly the greatest MOTD interview I have ever seen. What a guy. 2 decent goals too.

Random mention

Alfonso Alves of Herenveeren who scoored 7 goals in one game, regardless of how good you think the Dutch league is, thats an unbelievable feat.

Going Down

Dean Ashton
















Another England Call up, another injury to rule him out. When will this man get the chance he deserves?

Paul Robinson
Utter turd, the man drops his balls more than a post adolescent boys school, but why does McClaren still have faith in him? He is awful and he's fat too.

Liverpool, Hyypia & Steven Gerrard

Don't let the highlights fool you, Gerrard was anonymous against Tottenham and he somehow could not dominate a midfield consisting of Jenas and Zakora, thats like struggling to win a pissing distance challenge against some girls. Hyypia needs to be wheeled into a old people's home, he would probably have more pace in a wheelchair. I'm concerned that he can't even use his best asset(his height) to his advantage anymore. Claims by Ryan Babel, that they do not practice attacking formations in training, seems to suggest that Rafa is more concerned with making liverpool a defensive unit, thus stifling the money he has spent on new attacking talent.

Tottenham

I seriously think they do need to speak to David Blunkett about how to hold on to a lead.

Referees

Another week passes and another bunch of refereeing decisions cost someone some points. Steve Sidwell massages the ball in the box, no penalty. Didi Hamann rapes someone from behind in the box, no penalty. Makes Rob Styles penalty decision at Anfield this season even more baffling.

Derby

Going, going...Im willing to put my life savings on them not winning one away game this season.

England & Gareth Barry

Frank Lampard is Back....: -(

Dida

Thank god UEFA have grown some balls and decided to sanction Dida for being a complete and utter cheating moron.

Worst Leg Break Ever…..BUSSTED

I would like to take this opportunity to apologise for the rather sickly nature of last week’s vote but here at On The Bench we like to take a rather perverse look at both the ups and downs of the football world

The resounding winner (or should that be loser?) of the leg break vote was former Coventry centre half David Busst.

The injury occurred in April 1996 at Old Trafford following a Coventry corner as he collided with Dennis Irwin and Brian McClair. I am not sure exactly sure of the medical terminology used to describe it other than to say that the poor man was absolutely f*cked. I myself have broken my wrist (don’t even go there you dirty minded fools) but I cannot even begin to think of the pain that Busst went through. The only thing I could think it could compare to would be listening to Enrique Iglesias’s new album.

Those who remember the incident well will remember Peter Schmeichel’s reaction after he saw the true extent of the horrific leg break. Apparently, he was so shocked that he had to vomit on the side of the pitch. The only other person who used to go to such extreme measures was Pete Sampras after he was going through a gruelling five setter.

Busst had numerous operations but the chances of him coming back were almost impossible. If he had pulled it off then it would have been a bigger comeback than if Michael Jackson was to release a new number one album.

He had to retire at the age of 29 (Busst not Jacko) but to his credit, Buust has remained in football, something which many players would have found hard to do after such a terrible injury and for that he deserves considerable credit.

David Buust...you officially had the worst leg break in football

He Used To Love H.E.R

When Christina was a young girl she wasn't the most intelligent girl in the school, wasn't the most popular, none of the boys really fancied her. They deemed her to be too ugly and boring, she was the sort of girl you would only consider having sex with after barrel of vodka, a 3 o'clocker, a girl that you settle for at the end of a boozy night out at 3am. All through her teenage years this played on her conscience, she always yearned to be one of the "it" girls, one of the girls that all the girls wanted to be, and the all the boys wanted to be with. As she got older she began to attract more boys, many of these guys would break her heart, others would just use her for sex and others wouldn't give her the the gifts that the other more attractive girls got, or make her feel special, until one day it all changed. She met this man, a very wealthy businessman called Paul, who fell for her potential, he could see in her an attractive woman under the bad skin, flat chest and crooked teeth. So he befriended her, wooed her with gifts, paid for plastic surgery, veneers, a whole makeover to make this once unattractive girl beautiful. Suddenly Christina was admired by all the men she would meet, she had a figure to die for and a smile that could make the hardest man moist. People wanted to be around her, they all wanted to be her friend, she made new friends everyday, people who she would never have spoken to when she was younger. Paul would continually buy her the best presents, the best clothes and she would eat the best food. Christina could not believe how much of a transformation she had gone through, she was admired by everyone she knew, Paul knew that all the men wanted a piece of her so he continued to throw money at her to keep her happy. Suddenly things started to go wrong, Paul didn't like Christina's best friend Mary and demanded that she didn't see her any more. Paul was convinced that Mary was leading her astray. Paul argued with Mary about all sorts of things, from the types of expensive clothes she was wearing to the new friends that Paul was forcing upon her. In time Christina stopped calling Mary, she knew she had lost a great friend, one that had helped her get past her insecurities and made her forget about the days when she was an ugly nobody whose sexual experiences ranged from a sloppy kiss to a random boob grope. Christina became depressed, she stopped going to the gym and started piling on the pounds, her boob jobs began to sag, her teeth became yellow and men didn't look at her in the same way. Suddenly she wasn't so attractive to Paul.

Paul knew he could have any women in the world, so why would he continue to waste money on Christina? So he decided to leave her. Christina was devastated, she relied on Paul for everything, she wasn't clever enough to get a new job and wasn't pretty enough to find a new man. As the years went by she found herself back to where she came from, scrambling for any bit of attention she could get, selling her body to the highest bidder. Her standards fell and ultimately she was back where she started, back to the old house she grew up with and ultimately she had lost all the friends she had gained when she was pretty, those friends realized they didn't really know her. She was fun when she was glamorous but when she lost all that they knew they could go elsewhere to find more fun and ultimately her life was now worse than it was all those years ago. Yes, she has all the great memories of her short stint at the top but life is a marathon not a short sprint.

What a sad tale, that is, you may wonder how this relates to football but I think its quite clear for everyone to see what im talking about.

The Most Disgraceful Thing I Have Seen In Football...

Dida should be punished for probably the worst attempt to cheat since Charles Ingram on WWTBAM.

Rotating Rafa

Fancy seeing if you are one step ahead of Rafa Benitez and also winning a bit of cash?

This could be the website for you!

http://www.fantasyrafa.com/

Anfield Agony......

Before I write about Liverpool's performance I would just like to say that I didn't actually get the best view of the game. I decided to watch the game in a pub in South West London with about 5 different screens but every time I got a good view either some outrageously tall person would stand in front of me or someone with a hair do like Marge Simpson would get in the way. I swear, do these people intentionally go to pubs to get in your way cos I am pretty sure that I never see them anywhere else.

Anyway, even though I didn't have the best seat in the house the general gist I got from the game was that Liverpool were absolutely terrible. In fact, I think the last time they were so abject was their first half against AC Milan a couple of years ago in the Champs League Final. At least then they were just genuinely outclassed. Today they were just absolutely woeful.

With Pennant suspended and Babel on the bench, Rafa drafted in Benayoun and Leto into the midfield alongside Sissoko. Crouch partnered Torres up front to complete the forward line.

The first half was a tepid affair with Liverpool playing with little or no urgency against a well organised Marseille side. Crouch looked well off the pace an no longer looks like the player who has got "good feet for a little man". He couldn't trap a bag of cement and he must have a trampoline in his chest because everytime he tried to trap the ball it bounced about 20 yards of him.

Liverpool appeared to have no real game plan and played with no tempo as Marseille controlled the majority of possession. They had a goal harhly disallowed for offside which would have given them probably a deserved lead at the break.

Liverpool got worse after half time as Marseille's high tempo pressing game continued to deny Liverpool time and space and the Reds increasingly looked for the long ball to get them out of trouble.

The visitors eventually got the goal they deserved as Valbuena curled in a delicous effort which Pepe Reina could only stand and admire. A flurry of late substitutions and a late rally resulted in Torres being denied a goal by a combination of post and defender. However, it would have been an equaliser that the Reds scarcely deserved.

A few weeks ago, after Liverpool trounced Derby, people said that we would soon see if Liverpool were the real deal. Well if tonights performance was anything to go by, then they most certainly are not. Without Pennnant and Babel, they seriously lacked pace in the final third and any meaningful creativity.

Momo Sissoko was all over the shop and needs to be taken out the firing line asap whilst Gerrard looked like he was still thinking about that kid he run over the other day.

I am not entirely sure why Babel and Mascherano were on the bench, perhaps Rafa underestimated Marseille. Mascherano is Liverpools best holding player, even when Alonso is fit. Rafa has stated time and time again that he is rotating to keep his players fresh for the last games of the season. That surely is the most ridiculous thing ever. What if Liverpool are out of contention by then? They are going to have the fittest players around but they could potentially be playing for sweet FA.

Its a bit like meeting a girl on a drunken night out who wants to sleep with you and then you saying "not tonight love, I am a bit too hammered to give you the pleasure you deserve, but I will call you in a few weeks when I am a bit more sober and then I will show you the time of your life."

So what happens in a few weeks? That's right, you give her a call and find that shes happily married and looking to have kids. And what are you doing? Holding your balls wishing you had banged her that night. Lesson? Don't plan too far ahead and live for the day or else you will be regretting those missed opportunities.

With some tough fixtures coming up this could be make or break time for Rafa Benitez. Jose for Anfield anyone?

Sunil

(I was pleased to see the team defending a 1-0 deficit, absolutely abysmal and probably the worst performance I have seen from a Liverpool side since Houllier was around. - Ed)

What Does He Look Like......

A few things which are annoying me.....

1) I watched Man United's game on ITV and almost wanted to throw my television out of the window. Not because of the game itself which was pretty tedious but because of the ridiculously bad commentary. A job of a commentator is to give a reasonably balanced view of proceedings and have a decent knowledge of the teams who are playing.

Tydesley was really getting on my wick in the first half. Instead of talking about the game he spent the whole of the first half talking about the 7-1 pasting Man U handed out last year. Granted, this was bound to be mentioned but to constantly talk about every incident of the game in relation to that result was simply outrageous and very bloody annoying. Was there any mention of Roma's decent form this season and how coupled with Man Utd's shot shy team this could be an incredibly tight game? Course not, Tyldesely was too busy whipping himself into a frenzy over last year's result. For God's sake Clive, take off those rose tinted spectacles and do your fecking job.

And don't even get me started on David "Ronaldeano" Pleat.

2) It looks as though John Terry has once again done the impossible and could be fit to play against Valencia. Am I not the only person who is sick and tired of the hype surrounding every injury that JT gets? Whenever he gets injured the first diagnosis always appears to be that he is about for about a month and therefore will miss key games for both club and country. Cue mass hysteria on how he is to be replaced and how Chelski are getting bad luck with injuries. Then , shock horror iron man JT overcomes all the odds to fight off that career threatening injury and is set to play the next game after all. He really is that man who will sweat blood and tears to pull on the jersey. What a load of garbage. Stop making JT to be some sort of inspirational leader who will overcome adversity to play the game. Its nonsense, just admit that the injury wasn't that bloody serious in the first place.

3) Andy Townsend. No particular reason. I just think hes a rubbish pundit

4) Steve Ryder's hair. Not exactly sure what is going on there

Sunil

***Roast Watch***

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