Bite Fever Hits World Cup

Apologies all for the lack of blogging recently, I have been fortunate enough to have been in sunnier climbs since last Thursday so haven't been privvy to all the games.  This has culminated in not only gaining a bit of a sun tan (yes, Asians tan as well) and also missing half of the football exciting action over the last few days.  Therefore, this article will be short and sweet.  To be honest, there is so much coverage these days, social media debate etc that I am struggling to cope with this tidal wave of footballing information so if you think you can do better then please help me out!

Luis Suarez

This episode has pretty much been and gone so I won't add to much other than to quote someone I met recently who is a teacher by trade.  When querying the Suarez incident they simply said

"Btw that Suarez should not be allowed to play football anymore, seriously what a joke, I don't care if he's good or brings a lot of money in, what is he teaching the kids!"

Granted that women shouldn't really normally be allowed to comment on football (Do me a favour love!), but I think that quote pretty much hits the nail on the head.

However, I did also manage to locate Luis Suarez's new local bar in Valencia, somewhere I imagine he may be situated for the next few months.

Hulk

I did manage to catch most of the Brazil vs Chile game.  It wasn't really a classic although it was good to see WBA leaving their imprint on the tournament with ex-Baggie Gonzolo Jara scoring an Own Goal and then missing the decisive penalty.  I did take some personal delight in successfully predicting the direction of each of the penalties, something which I have honed since reading the brilliant book "Twelve Yards", currently available from all good bookshops.  I did offer to help out the England team who are notorious at losing on penalty shoot outs but now they so sh*t that they cannot even get past the group stages, so alas my exceptional Derren Brown like skills will not be required in the near future it seems.

The only other thing interesting about this game was the guy who is called Hulk.  I am sure many of you are thinking that is he simply called that because he is a massive gym freak b*stard?

Rather interestingly (or not) I actually think this is one of those "ironic" nicknames.  The reason I say this, is that the guy falls over like a sack of potatoes on even the slightest of contact. What a big girl's blouse.  Hulk? My arse.  Calling the guy Hulk is akin to calling Dion Dublin "Tiny" due to the size of his manhood.

Mexico Vs Netherlands

As I sat in the departure lounge for my flight back, I heard a group of Dutch fans shout out in sheer delight, a mere two minutes apart whilst a German appeared to shout out "Scheisse".  All of this had me very confused as to what was happening in this game.  Now it all makes sense to me And er...that's it.  Sorry if that's not that very interesting, but if you want a proper match report discussing water breaks and tactical genius Louis van Gaal then you can go and read them elsewhere....

Anyway's this Germany vs Algeria game looks pretty tasty so I am going to stop writing and watch that instead.

Adios amigos!

Sunil

Dead Rubber Brings England No Joy

Let's be honest, you didn't click on this blog because you wanted to read about England's latest battle of attrition, you just wanted to look at this picture didn't you, you filthy animal? And if you did then I can't blame you.  Let's be honest, this is probably the most exciting thing you have seen at the World Cup from an English person (I have no idea if the girls are even English if I am honest).

Despite today's game being a dead rubber for England ( I have never understood this term btw, is it something to do with contraception?  It is a reference to an out of date condom? Answers on a postcard please), I made the slightly unfortunate decision to leave work early today to take up a seat at the battle cruiser near work to watch the English team take on the mighty Costa Rica.   A bit like arranging to meet up with an ex-girlfriend, the expectation of something good quickly descends into boredom and within minutes you have realised that you have made a mistake and you are looking for the quickest exit out of there.

Today's game was one of the worst I have ever seen in the tournament so far and left me feeling pretty despondent. Not because England were terminally average, but because they have contributed absolutely ZERO to this World Cup.

Aside from an early match, ( I think it involved Iran but the game escapes met) nearly every game has had moments of madness, excitement, drama, unbelievable skill, a great celebration or a manager going absolutely apoplectic on the touchline. Yes that's right, Miguel Hererra I am looking at you

http://www.theguardian.com/football/blog/2014/jun/24/mexico-coach-miguel-herrera-world-cup-2014

In fact, even as I watch Greece vs Ivory Coast a last minute penalty has caused absolute bedlam.  Does anyone else get the feeling that England just have not been part of this World Cup?   I mean for God's sake, we didn't even get to see any Wags!  I cannot think of anything worse than being remembered for being a bit ordinary.  Have England provided more than 10 minutes of entertainment in any game?  Even when South Korea were getting humped 3-0 by Algeria the other night at least they came back out second half and gave it a go.

England being not that good you can kind of get used to, but at least be so monumentally shit that you let in fifty goals and provide some entertainment.  In today's game, why not just play two in defence and send everyone up front, at least it would be a bit of fun.  Instead we got another snoozefest from the team, with only a couple of dodgy penalty shouts to look at.  In fact, it's more interesting watching as to why Robbie Savage is coming onto Danny Murphy so strongly by wrapping his arm around him in the BBC Studio (something to share Robbie?).

I'm not sure what has happened in this tournament to England and my heart goes out to poor fans who went to Brazil to watch such a farce.  My only advice to them would be to take a stroll along Ipanema beach and check out some of the football street performers as it's likely they have more skill than the whole of the English football team.  Alternatively try and pick up a local with a dead rubber and play something I like to call "Russian Roulette"

*DISCLAIMER*

The above joke was taken from someone else and is not a reflection of On The Bench.  As Tim Westwood once profoundly said "Strap It Up Before You Slap It Up"

Anyway, I should end this article with something football related

ENGLAND TILL I DIE (is that what we sing these days?)

Sunil

Is lack of intelligence the cause of England's woes?

As England were sent crashing out of the World Cup, I am sure that everyone was queuing up to offer their reasons for England's demise. Unusually, though perhaps there didn't seem to be an obvious reason this time for England's failure to qualify for the Group Stages.  The team played ok but were not brilliant, the coach seemed to have prepared them well and we cannot even blame England's ludicrous record from penalties this time.

The usual excuses seem to have all run their course and since 1966 it seems like England have tried nearly everything without ever really looking like making a major imprint on the world stage.  We have tried English managers, foreign managers, youth, experience, pragmatism and also attacking football. We failed in hot countries, in cold countries, we have taken teams to isolated camps, we have taken teams to integrated areas.  So is there some underlying reason for England's failure that we are all missing out on? Is there a reason that we are just perhaps not very good?

If someone could answer that million pound question then I am sure it would have been done already and England would be World Cup Winners but personally think that one reason for England's failure to perform in big tournaments could be what I would deem to be lack of intelligence.

Footballers need many qualities and abilities for their profession.  Physical strength, skill, speed and perhaps an often ignored attribute...intelligence.  In all forms of life, intelligent people are generally good decision makers, find solutions and more often than not, remain calm under pressure.  As I sit watching the Germans play without a recognised striker and create chance after chance I can only be impressed with their ability and awareness on how to play their football.  Could anyone else imagine England playing tournament football without a recognised striker?

How often have we seen in major tournaments England's perceived lack of game management, naivety and in general, their lack of awareness on how to win games. How often have we bemoaned their lack of ability to maintain possession or to close a game out? Against Italy and Uruguay the team had done well to pull level but then did not seem to know how to get the result required.

I think my intelligence argument has been heightened by looking at some of the punditry on the TV this year. Maybe I am just a sucker for a foreign accent but don't all the foreign footballers just sound more intelligent than England's? A certain Carlton Palmer was blaming Hodgson, saying he hadn't taken sufficient risks, despite the fact he played with 4 attacking players in each game. This sort of crude analysis makes you wonder what on earth he had been watching.

On the other hand,  the likes of Seedorf, Henry, and Vieira all seem to speak with a certain wit, widsom and smartness which embarrasses the likes of Savage, Shearer and such like.  In fact, I would go as so far as to say that even their English is better than the British nationals themselves.

Could anyone else imagine a Rio Ferdinand, a John Terry, a David Beckham or a Wayne Rooney going onto Brazilian TV and getting involved with the banter with Fernanda Lima. I don't think so.   These guys can barely put three words together in their own language, let alone a foreign tongue.

Associated with this is the lack of English players going abroad to other countries. You can probably count on one hand the amount of English players who have gone abroad in the last thirty years. The challenge of integrating into another culture, learning a new language, embracing different styles and opinions is a challenge which has not been befitting of many of the current crop of English players and dare I say requires a certain level of intelligence and know how.

Whilst I know England as a whole struggles with languages, how wonderful is it to see other players from foreign countries quickly assimilating into other cultures and fitting into their lifestyle.  Patrick Vieria, Gus Poyet, and Gianluca Vialli for example,  when the first came to England could not speak a word of English but within a couple of years were speaking extremely fluently.  And what do we get from English footballers in their post match interviews? "At the end of the day it was a tough game....etc etc."  Hardly the most inspiring of words.

So how does this lack of intelligence and awareness possibly translate to the pitch?  I think game management would be the main area, as it appears that English players only appear to know how to play the English way.  Often it is derided.."Why can't we play like Spain, Germany etc?". But this is not something you can just switch on and off, it's something which can only be learnt by playing with these players in different countries, gaining a deeper understanding of what makes them tick, how they play their football.

I'm not suggest that all footballers must be contestants on Countdown every week but perhaps a bit more footballing "education" (that's a nine letter word btw) would not go amiss and may help England arise out of their irritable slumber.

Sunil

Commentary Capers and Pundit Perfection Making This A World Cup To Remember

Although we are barely into this Group Stages, I can hand on heart say that this is probably best World Cup I have seen in my lifetime so far. I will stop short of saying it's been the best ever, mainly because I have only seen highlights of all the World Cups prior to the auspicious day of my birth, that cold wintry afternoon in November 1983.

This World Cup has had everything that you would wish for (aside from an England win).  Riots, beaches, goals, controversy, red cards, last minute winners and upsets.  However, one of the main highlights for me has been some of the hilarious commentary and analysis which has taken place in the respective studios on BBC1 and ITV.

My personal pick has been Thierry Henry, who at times, despite the fact he is so relaxed that he looks like he has woken from a coma, has provided some superb wit and dare I say "va va voom" with his expert analysis.

I am sure many of you have seen the Twitter picture doing the rounds (as above) as a poor Robbie Savage has been somewhat put in his place on numerous occasions.  Whilst Robbie will compare a match with his memories from a cold night at Filbert Street, Mr Henry will instead draw on his considerable experience, name dropping on such a regular basis it's almost an embarrassment.  In every game, he seems to have played alongside or against the player on show. "I remember, playing with Marquez...and Yaya...and Alves" or "I remember playing in the World Cup Final...I remember needing to score winning the League."  If it was anyone else I would say he was an arrogant pr*ck, but he pulls it off with such panache it's hard not to just hope he does it on a more regular basis.

If he hasn't played with the guys then he has often just socialised with them.  "I was talking with Clarence the other night at the beach..and told him that Robbie's hair looks ridiculous" was probably my personal favourite(!)

A special mention also to the BBC for placing Neil Lennon next to a certain Mr Shearer. Unfortunately, the two seemed to get along a little bit too nicely.  For those unsure of the significance of this, take a look at this little clip

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8fMbxLTpps

The commentary has been a slightly mixed bag with the dull tones of Monsieur Philip Neville and Andy "He's gotta do better there Clive" Townsend heaping misery upon millions of viewers throughout the nation.

However, I don't think there will be many of you who would disagree that Jonathan Pearce's antics during the France Vs Honduras game were the pick of the tournament.  Good old Jonno thought that he had managed to discover a flaw in the Goaline Technology System only for a rather embarrassed Martin Keown to step in. For those who missed it, a quick summary is here

http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/worldcup/world-cup-2014-bbc-presenter-jonathan-pearce-gets-in-a-mess-over-goalline-technology-9540780.html

It kind of made reminded me of if he was trying to get into a nightclub one night

Jonno : "You said that if I wore a shirt and shoes, you would let me in!!"

Doorman : "Sorry, we cannot let you in dressed like that"

Jonno : "What, this is a disgrace!".  You said to dress smart and I have, this is totally unfair! You are breaking the club's door policy!"

Keown : "You aren't wearing any pants or trousers Jonno"

Jonno ; "Ah ok......"

On a completely separate note, has anyone noticed the uncanny resemblance (give me some leeway here) between the Mexican manager Miguel Herrera and the BNP leader Nick Griffin?  Ok, actually, on second thoughts, it looks like there is none.  On that note, I better do a Robbie Savage and get my coat...

Sunil

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Rooney?

A somewhat disappointing result for England in their opening game against the Italians in Manaus which based on a decent all round performance, was perhaps undeserved.  A vast improvement on their atrocious display against the same opposition two years ago, the result still offers considerable hope that they will win their next two games in order to reach the knockout stages.

Much of the post match analysis has revolved around the role of the much maligned Rooney (who I had the misfortune of receiving in the sweepstake at work).  I think that first of all any criticism of the player in this particular match is pretty much unwarranted and unjustified. Any individual who is played out of position to play his part for the team deserves every single bit of credit.  Rooney is not a left sided player and never will be (despite his sumptuous assist for Sturridge) and any influence his game has is always going to be restricted in such a wide position.  Defensively, he left Baines exposed on numerous occasions, but this is to be expected when a player is instructed to try and curtail his natural instincts to drift inside and support the striker.

Some of the criticism from Shearer on the BBC I thought was incredibly harsh. Granted, Rooney had a good chance to at least hit the target. However, having been starved of the ball all game and then popping up in his favoured central position it' a bit much to suggest he should have scored.  If he played in the central striking role all game then he probably would have had more chances and he may have put it away.

Interestingly, a lot of people think that the easy answer to the problem is to shift Rooney inside into his natural position, playing in behind the striker.  However, I think this is slightly misguided for a few reasons.

Firstly, this would mean shifting Sterling back out wide, probably England's most penetrative player which I don't think would be a good idea. Secondly, I think that by bringing him inside, England would effectively be playing a 4-4-2 as Rooney is not and never will be an attacking midfielder.  He no longer has that ability to drift past players, deliver those really intricate passes in the final third.  Yes he may drop off, but his tendency will then just to be to fire a 40 yard pass out wide and make his way into the box. Very few teams play with such a partnership these days, and more often than not, the support striker is a player who can provide some energy and excitement to the play i.e Sterling.

In my view, this leaves only one option and that is to leave Wayne on the bench (assuming Sturridge is fit). I would bring Lallana in on the left hand side. Whilst this may seem slightly negative, I think this would give the side better balance.  I think Welbeck on the other flank is perhaps another liability, but with limited options (no thank you Milner) I think he will probably retain his place.  For the Uruguay game, Barkley and Rooney should be brought on as impact players.

Now that the boring stuff is out the way, let's look at some other interesting points from some of the footage so far.

Thierry Henry has provided some much entertainment on the BBC and one of my friends interestingly thinks that he was perhaps smoking something either before or during the coverage, and I wouldn't disagree with that. His comment that Pirlo deliberately hit the crossbar with his free kick was my personal highlight.

The uglier of the Neville brothers has come in for a fair amount of deserved stick of this punditry during the match and it's fair to say that he was probably the worst person to have commentating on such a late kick off. For those who had nearly fallen asleep anyway, his dull, expressionless tones probably sent half the country into a coma long before the match had ended.  Who needs hypnosis to send people to sleep when you have commentary like that?  Pitchside expert Danny Murphy was much more worthy of taking a spot in the commentary box with his incisive and clever analysis.  Although perhaps their roles were not reversed as Monsieur Neville has a better face for commentary.....

.....and finally it's fair to say that all of the games have been pretty entertaining so far.  But even the most boring of matches will be lit up by the rather hilarious confirmation of all goals using the Goal-line technology. When the ball has been smashed into the back of the next it's good that we see those 50 different angles to show that the ball has indeed crossed the line...what on earth are these guys up to?

Sunil

Nifty Neymar gives Brazil home comforts

A somewhat fortuitous win for the hosts ensured that the World Cup went off with a bang tonight.  A scuffed daisy cutter, a very dubious penalty and a toepunt that I would have been proud off finally saw off a dogged Croatian side in the first game of the tournament and put Brazil firmly in the driving seat to qualify for the next round.

I am sure most of you have seen the game so I won't write out a boring match report but instead highlight some general thoughts around the opening of the greatest competition in World Sport.

I decided to make the executive decision to leave work early today to come home and make sure I saw the opening ceremony.  Probably one of the worst decisions I have made since I took what I thought was a girl home "that night in Thailand" a few years ago.  I admit opening ceremonies are generally boring but where was the samba based dance fest that everyone was hoping for and expecting?  The gyrating women?  The flavour of carnival?  Instead we got that complete and utter b*llend Pitbull, a ropey looking J-Lo and what I can only assume was her body double (I genuinely have no idea who the other woman was). A massive disappointment and one that won't linger long in the memory....

...and talking of things that don't last long (wait there a minute)..what an amazing thing that vanishing spray is.  I am sure that I was not the only person who was thinking of all the amazing uses for this stuff.  Most of them won't be publishable I would imagine but this really could be the invention of the decade.  It's a shame I suppose that the whole of the opening ceremony was not sprayed in the stuff..

Kudos to Croatia for trying every trick in the book to try and win tonight, including hiring Keanu Reeves as manager. A thoroughly ballsy decision I have to say...also shows that he has more in his locker than being a sh*t actor.  He hasn't minced his words either with his post match quotes

" "If that's how we start the World Cup, we'd better give it up now and go home.

"We talk about respect, that wasn't respect, Croatia didn't get any.

"If that's a penalty, we don't need to play football anymore. Let's play basketball instead, it's a shame."

More of the same please Keanu!

Sunil