England Bottle It........!!!!!!

England's dismal qualifying campaign came to a spectacular end at Wembley last stadium night as they crashed 3-2 at home to Croatia. Let's get facts straight, England were completely outclassed last night and if they had somehow blundered their way through, then it would have been a bigger screw job then when Brett Hart got stitched up by Vince McMahon and Shawn Michaels in the WWF.

There is so much that I want to talk about, that this may take a while so bear with me and take a long deep breath.....here goes....

Let's look at what happened last week. Israel somehow managed to hand England a lifeline as they broke Russian hearts in the last minute(cue the usual chest thumping and English hype - Kofi). England's prayers had been answered and they needed a solitary point against a team who had already qualified...AT HOME. Its a bit like turning up to your driving test and realising that all you need to do to pass is drive in a straight line for 10 yards. You just wouldn't believe your luck that things could be made so easy for you.

Fast forward to tonights game and things got off to the worst possible start as Nico Kranjcar ghosted in to send a tepid shot towards goal. Scott Carson showed all the composure of a virgin as he let the ball skid off his body and into the net. He got down slower than a 90 year old trying to put on his slippers. Cue Motson wetting his pants. In conditions such as last night, it is imperative that you get your body behind the ball. Perhaps Carson had too much lubricant on his hands after tossing McClaren off, cos surely that is the only way he managed to find his way into the starting XI last night. Now, don't get me wrong, Paul Robinson is a joke, but with such an inexperienced defence McClown has to live and die by his decision to hand a goalie his competitive debut in such a big game. Many people thought that perhaps Carson may not have a lot to do tonight, but how wrong could they have been.

Things took another sorry twist for England as Prince/Symbol/Eduardo bamboozled the home defence to slot in Olic who rounded a stunned Carson to double Croatia's lead. The visiting fans were sent into ecstasy as they partied like it was 1999 (sorry). Cue Motson wetting his pants.

At times like this, you look for inspiration, for leaders. With Terry and Beckham absent, England did not really have anything on the pitch to give them that drive and that energy and so you look to the manager. So what exactly was McClaren doing when England were staring knockout in the face? Doing his best impression of Dick van Dyke in Mary Poppins as he stood under his umbrella, that's what. If he wasn't doing that he was sitting their writing notes on his pad. What exactly was McClown writing? A list of possible jobs he could have when he inevitably has to depart? His list of post match excuses?

The whole country could see that having Crouch up front on his own was not working. A good manager, a manager with tactical nous would have spotted this instantly and made a change. What astonished me more was that Terry Venables was perched up in the box nowhere to be seen. Surely he should be in close contact with the manager to discuss what was going wrong? If Venables was all the way up there he may have been at his local tanning salon or working for a look a like agency as Ray Winstone's double cos he was certainly of no use at the game tonight

Motty even said himself at the time

"Surely someone like Mourinho would make a change instantly?"

And right there he had hit the nail on the head. Someone like Jose is not scared to make decisions. England knew after 14 minutes that they needed at least two goals, so that was the time to make a change, because they had never looked like scoring. However, nothing was done by McClown as England laboured towards half time with one of their most inept displays in recent years.

Credit must also be given to Croatia to be honest. After their capitulation in Macedonia they found their feet and played some delightful football at times. Modric is a real star in the making and at times they had England running around in circles in the middle of the park. Croatia made light of the conditions and used the skidding surface to their advantage with superb attacking movements which often cut England apart.

The half time analysis in the BBC studio was like a wake. Lineker and Shearer were so shocked that they looked like they had found out they were brothers. Wrighty was in such a state of shock that he couldn't even bother laying into England and he just started laughing at the desperate affair. Hansen, the wee lad, couldn't wait to get stuck in to England as he handed out an absolute roasting. The Scottish legend is brilliant at summing things up in one word statements e.g Power. Pace. Strength. However, none of these words could describe England at half time. So instead he went for

"Outclassed.Outfought.Outplayed"

End of story.

So, to the 2nd half, and McClaren had finally realised after nearly half an hour of concentration and thought that England needed to play with two strikers. On came Goldenballs and Jermaine Defoe to try and dig England out the huge whole they were in.

England immediately got the bit between their teeth and were handed a lifeline as the linesman awarded a penalty for a shirt tug on Defoe. At first look, Fat Frank looked like he took an excellent penalty to send the keeper the wrong way. On second look, the Croatia goalie was so far over to his left hand side before the ball was struck that it had a whiff of Bruce Grobelaar about it. Cue Motson wetting his pants.

However, things were not over as Carson made a stunning save as an unmarked Kovac stole in following a left wing corner. Things then took another twist as Wayne Bridge nearly got merked before spooning the ball onto his own crossbar. At this point, I thought to myself, this is like the Champions League Final again in 1999 when Man United were up against it and somehow made it through. I thought, this must be England's night, surely they must capitalise on the outrageous fortune that they had just received.

Well, minutes later it looked like they had done it as Beckham delivered one of the balls of the season towards Peter Crouch to brilliantly level and send Wembley into raptures. Cue Motson wetting his pants.

Now at this point, England had done the hard work and somehow got themselves into a qualifying position. However, like all England sides over the last few years they went to defensive mode. This is when the manager again should have took control and told his players to stop sitting back. Beckham, having set up Crouch for the equaliser was finding himself behind Micah Richards in the right back slot. England players were standing off all over the park as they looked to hold on to what they had instead of going for the jugular. Croatia again grabbed a foothold in the game and it was no surprise that Petric, who was allowed the freedom of the pitch, strode forward to slam the ball past a slightly unsighted Carson. Cue Motson wetting his pants.

England again looked for that elusive goal but apart from one shot by Darren Bent, never looked like getting it. In all honesty, they were lucky to escape without an even bigger hammering as their gung ho tactics left them hopelessly exposed at the back. In the latter stages England's sole tactic of hoofing the ball forwards in hope was excruciating to watch and almost as embarrassing as watching your parents snog each other in public.

England were a disgrace throughout this whole campaign to be honest and whenever they were faced with decent opposition they shown to be nothing less than average. However, despite all this, they had a golden opportunity to sneak in through the back door tonight and they somehow bottled it. McClown has said that he won't walk away. This has really got my goat, surely he must resign. Following Sven's legacy of 3 quarter finals, the least McClown had to do was match this for him to justify his appointment. However, for him to not even manage to get through this qualifying group means that McClaren has to tender his resignation to show he actually has a bit of dignity about him. If he doesn't I am going to round his house and sort him out myself.

As we reflect on tonight's shambles, feel free to let us know your comments and thoughts on this sorry qualifying campaign.

Sunil


Kofi's classic commentary moment

Motty - "say something Mark"

Lawro - "i can't"

Sums it all up really.

No Sunshine, No Football, Just Transfers...

Fernando Torres - 21m

I think many people are aware of the striker jinx that’s has befouled many a man who has entered those Shankly gates. From Anelka to Cisse(who turned from a talented striker to a player who would keep his head down, run and usually end up in the Anfield car park, without the football) to Morientes(who made me wonder whether Liverpool had signed his slower, fatter twin brother). Many have come with big reputations and left with nothing but a scouse accent and their proverbial tail between their legs.

Is Torres the “20 goal a season” man Anfield has been waiting for? Torres has never scored more than 20 goals in a season, but you will be surprised to know that a certain Michael Owen never scored more than 20 league goals in a season for Liverpool. Many people highlight the need for a player who can score 20 goals in a league season, but how many strikers in the last 5 years have scored more than 20 goals? Henry, Shearer, Drogba, Johnson and Van Nistelrooy are the ones I can think of, and scoring that many goals doesn’t guarantee you a league title.

What price would you put on a player who can create as many as he scores? Torres has the ability to create chances for others and score them himself, which is why I think he will be successful next season. But as we all know Rafa likes to rotate his team more frequently than planet earth, so that could stifle El Nino's strike rate next season.

Eduardo Silva – 8 -16m? (Nobody really knows)

Many of my Arsenal supporting friends had to go into counseling when the news broke that Henry was being sold to Barcelona. But after al the tears had been wiped away, Wenger signed his replacement, the relatively unknown Brazilian/Croation Eduardo Da Silva.

Da silva has been in impressive form, scoring freely at international level(England fans will fondly remember) and netting 34 goals in 32 games for Dinamo Zagreb last season. That is not a record to be sniffed at, but scoring in the Croation league could be likened to England losing on penalties or Frank Lampard scoring a deflected goal, its pretty much guaranteed. His international record suggests he can make the step up to the premiership level, could he be the man to provide a Viagra dose to an impotent strike force? Only time will tell.

Darren Bent – 16.5mil

16.5 million sounds like a lot of money, especially as Thierry Henry went for half a million less, what does that mean? Is Bent a better play than Thierry? Probably not, but hes young, strong , quick and definitely knows where the goal is. I think the big question is, has Martin Jol got what it takes to utilise his strikers effectively?

How many times did we see Martin “I know how to throw away a lead” Jol make poor decisions in team selection? Could Jol’s decision to maintain his little and large comedy strike force be detriment to Bent’s chances? Bent knows he has to impress to have any chance of featuring in Steve MacClaren’s circus act and I think he will.

Voronin – Free

Many people have laughed at the prospect of Voronin actually being a decent signing, maybe it was his not so impressive strike rate? Or his porn star pony tail? Whatever the
reason you cant write off a player who impressed in the world cup more so than his 30 million pound, slower and older counterpart, and has shown undoubted class in pre season.

When the season ends I think Voronin will be a cult hero amongst the Liverpool faithful, lets hope its for reasons other than his now infamous ponytail. “We have the best Ukrainian in the league” is what you might hear from the Kop next season.

Malouda – 13.5 mil

Is Malouda the new Cygan? Both were bestowed with the honour of French player of the year and then moved to the premiership with that title. Cygan was later found to have the turning circle and pace of a tree, but Malouda has all the attributes to succeed unlike the cult legend that is Pascal Cygan.

He is strong quick and skilful, and has been likened to having a Drogba on the wing, but without all the theatrics and the atrocious perm. His experience in world cup and champions league means he knows what it takes to succeed at the highest level, I think he will be a success at Chelsea, which is probably a bad sign for the rest of the Premiership.

Nani, Anderson and Hargreaves – 50+ mil

Man Utd made their intentions clear for next season by splashing the cash on 2 of the world’s brightest talents and the ever reliable Owen Hargreaves. Nani has undoubted skill and is one for the future but I think his featherweight frame might be a problem, every time he does his back flip celebration you always feel like the wind is about to carry him out of the stadium, so how is he going to handle those windy days in Bolton? I personally don’t think he is ready for the physical nature of the Premiership, imagine Amir Khan stepping into the ring with Mike Tyson in his prime, now you have an idea of what Nani is up against.

I think Hargreaves will be the most important signing they have made so far, when Man Utd played Milan last season at the San Siro, it was like watching a sun burnt child in a park, they clearly had no protection. Man Utd have lacked a real ball winner in the middle for the last couple of seasons since the departure of Keane, and I think Hargreaves is the man to fill that role. Ridiculed for years by England fans, but how many of those fans actually watched the Bundesliga or saw his Champions league performances? Or were they blinded by the tactical ineptness of Mr Eriksson?

Anderson has been dubbed the new Ronaldinho a title which is becoming the Brazilian version of the new Maradonna. Many have been given the label and failed to live up to the hype. Who remembers Kerlon and his famous “seal dribble”? Where is he now? Anderson definitely resembles Ronaldinho, and was also developed in the Brazilian club Gremio, his skill is incredible and often breathtaking at times. He is young, and I will put my neck out and say he has the potential to be one of the best players in the world.