Premiership Ups & Downs...

After last week's Roast Watch shenanigans, its back to the bread and butter of the Premiership weekend. Here are the latest Ups & Downs

Going Up

Liverpool

Liverpool produced a superlative performance to destroy Bolton at Anfield as they again showed that they are not out of the title race. Stevie G may have been garbage for England but his club form at the moment speaks for itself and he was at the centre of all of Liverpool's good work on Sunday. What must also not be forgotten is that Liverpool's excellent form has taken place despite the absence of Pennant, Alonso and Agger, who are all arguably first teamers even in Rafa's rotational rota. This has been Liverpool's best start for many years and Rafa's rotation means that his team normally finish strongly after Xmas and even Harry "playing for a new contract"Kewell looks sharp. His rotation policy can only really be judged at the end of the season, but its looking good so far and 21 goals in 5 games is simply awesome. All he needs to do now is keep his mouth shut to make sure he doesn't get booted out as the Reds look to mount a serious title challenge.

Arsenal

The Gooners gained an impressive victory against a resurgent Aston Villa to stretch their lead at the top of the Premiership. The first half was a masterclass in football and you wouldn't known have known that Fabregas was missing as they handed out a pure footballing lesson. This was despite falling behind to a Gardner goal early on. Aston Villa's record against Arsenal is almost as bad as against Manchester United. The last time they beat the Gooners was when Dion "Long Schlong" Dublin (or so I have heard) bagged a hat-trick. I think that when Gardner scored even the players and fans alike knew that they would capitulate as they did against Manchester United a few weeks back. And so they did as some superb one touch football resulted in goals for Flamini and Adebayor before the break. Adebayor has ditched the celebratory jig and instead indulged with some hand clapping gayness with Eboue after his bullet header put Arsenal in front. Not sure if he picked the moves up at a playground or something but I wasn't particularly impressed.

Villa turned the screw in the 2nd half and Carew was unlucky to hit the post but overall it was probably a deserved win for the Wengerboys as they maintained their unbeaten start. Hleb was again the outstanding performer. The only person who I think can dribble better than him is probably Michael Jordan in his heyday. Hleb has been superb this season, and whilst his prettier partner has been getting all the glory, i think Hleb has been the real star of the show.

Ronaldo

The cheeky winker was in dynamic form as Man Utd comfortably overcame Fulham at Old Trafford. The only blemish was a booking for diving late on but even that looked a little harsh. Probably the best player on his day in today's Premier League.

Bentley

A few weeks ago we weren't sure whether his was Betnely or Bentley but there is no doubt that the midfielder is having an outstanding season as his two piledrivers heaped yet more pressure on Big Sam and reaffirmed Blackburn as top 6 contenders this season. Not sure if that ginger cheerleader was there on Saturday but if he was I am sure he was going positively mental. However, there are rumours he may be kicked out after he tried to get the crowd to spell out the name of player Zurab Khizanishvilli. Think about it...." Give me a Z........."

Chelsea

Another win for Avram's revamped Chelsea boys, he might look like a frog, but he is by no means an awful coach. There's no denying that come January the ANC will cripple them, but at the moment they are right in the hunt. But I'm guessing, Roman will spend another 200 billion in January to keep the Chelsea machine going.

Going Down

Nicolas Anelka, El Hadji Diouf and Disclipinary Action

Nicolas Anelka had a nightmare of Ronny Rosenthal proportions as his howler effectively handed the points to Liverpool on Sunday. Anelka got his bearings hopelessly wrong as he missed a completely open goal and minutes later Torres sealed the game with a superb finish after a brilliant through ball from Stevie G. Anelka afforded himself a wry smile after his effort, but with misses like that I don't think he will be going anywhere in the transfer window.

Diouf aka "The Camel" was back to his disgraceful best as he tried to break Arbeloa's leg in a shocking tackle which only resulted in a yellow card. The Senegalese Spitter then had the cheek to moan about the decision. That's a bit like complaining after winning £100 million on the lottery that it was not enough money for you. The cheek. However, because the referee gave a yellow the decision must stand and no further punishment taken. I am not sure why this rule was implemented but it annoys the fuck out of me. Surely he must be punished for such a terrible decision and handed a 3 match ban? Why is that decisions can be rescinded but extra punishments not enforced? I am pretty sure that when Roy Keane said in his autobiography that he intended to "do" Alf Inge Haaland, he was retrospectively punished despite already having been given a red card. What was different there? We now have the possible ridiculous scenario that Robbie Keane may be handed a 3 match ban for a mis-timed tackle but Diouf is allowed to get away scot-free for a potential career ending tackle. As Chazz Michael Michaels would say on Blades of Glory....totally MIND BOTTLING.

Titus Bramble

There was huge controversy this week as a teacher in Sudan was imprisoned for letting her schoolchildren name their teddy bear Titus Bramble. Members of the Sudanese population marched onto the streets demanding that she be handed the death penalty for such a heinous crime which insulted all teddy bears around the country. This situation has been resolved amicably but one thing that hasn't changed is that Titus Bramble is still shit. This season has been slightly light on Bramble howlers but he was back to his brilliant best as his first minute balls up handed Man City an early goal at the JJB. Hopefully there will be a few more before Xmas as a Titus Bramble Bloopers DVD would make a great stocking filler.

Guy With The Laser Pen At Stamford Bridge

Some idiot tried to shine a laser in the Drogfather's face at Stamford Bridge on Saturday. Let's face it, the horse faced clown doesn't need any incentive to dive on the floor writhing in agony so save your pen for the Powerpoint presentation on Monday morning you prat. On a serious note though, there is no excuse for this kind of thing in football.

Tottenham

Are Spurs too good to go down? Well, until they sort out their desperate defence they could be in for a relegation scrap like West Ham were last season. Their is no doubting their attacking quality but they have more holes at the back than a golf course and they need to score 4 goals a game just to get a point these days. I am not entirely sure why the perpetually injured King was not suitably replaced at the beginning of the season instead of the board spunking £17m on goal machine Darren Bent (ahem), but it is a decision which must be rebalanced in the Transfer Window or else Tottenham will be in in the lower reaches for the remainder of the season.

Ramos will succeed at Spurs, but this season is a total write off. Robbie Keane is a great player, but am I the only one that thinks that he scores meaningless goals? I know that sounds stupid, but he seems to always score a brace and then Tottenham go on to lose or draw the match. His sending off was harsh to say the least. Turn the table upside down and Tottenham might just scrape that top four finish.

Big Sam

Its almost the end of the road for Big Sam, put your house on it.

Aston Villa

Bottlers. I don’t think I need to write more. They have also drawn Man Utd in the Cup at home, and as we all know its Christmas everytime United go to Villa Park. Expect Man Utd to dump Villa out of the Cup for like the 6^th time in 10 years.

Derby

When you concede a last minute winner in a such a huge 6 pointer you know its all over. I suppose they are lucky its not technically a 6 pointer in terms of points lost or else they would be even worse off

England Bottle It........!!!!!!

England's dismal qualifying campaign came to a spectacular end at Wembley last stadium night as they crashed 3-2 at home to Croatia. Let's get facts straight, England were completely outclassed last night and if they had somehow blundered their way through, then it would have been a bigger screw job then when Brett Hart got stitched up by Vince McMahon and Shawn Michaels in the WWF.

There is so much that I want to talk about, that this may take a while so bear with me and take a long deep breath.....here goes....

Let's look at what happened last week. Israel somehow managed to hand England a lifeline as they broke Russian hearts in the last minute(cue the usual chest thumping and English hype - Kofi). England's prayers had been answered and they needed a solitary point against a team who had already qualified...AT HOME. Its a bit like turning up to your driving test and realising that all you need to do to pass is drive in a straight line for 10 yards. You just wouldn't believe your luck that things could be made so easy for you.

Fast forward to tonights game and things got off to the worst possible start as Nico Kranjcar ghosted in to send a tepid shot towards goal. Scott Carson showed all the composure of a virgin as he let the ball skid off his body and into the net. He got down slower than a 90 year old trying to put on his slippers. Cue Motson wetting his pants. In conditions such as last night, it is imperative that you get your body behind the ball. Perhaps Carson had too much lubricant on his hands after tossing McClaren off, cos surely that is the only way he managed to find his way into the starting XI last night. Now, don't get me wrong, Paul Robinson is a joke, but with such an inexperienced defence McClown has to live and die by his decision to hand a goalie his competitive debut in such a big game. Many people thought that perhaps Carson may not have a lot to do tonight, but how wrong could they have been.

Things took another sorry twist for England as Prince/Symbol/Eduardo bamboozled the home defence to slot in Olic who rounded a stunned Carson to double Croatia's lead. The visiting fans were sent into ecstasy as they partied like it was 1999 (sorry). Cue Motson wetting his pants.

At times like this, you look for inspiration, for leaders. With Terry and Beckham absent, England did not really have anything on the pitch to give them that drive and that energy and so you look to the manager. So what exactly was McClaren doing when England were staring knockout in the face? Doing his best impression of Dick van Dyke in Mary Poppins as he stood under his umbrella, that's what. If he wasn't doing that he was sitting their writing notes on his pad. What exactly was McClown writing? A list of possible jobs he could have when he inevitably has to depart? His list of post match excuses?

The whole country could see that having Crouch up front on his own was not working. A good manager, a manager with tactical nous would have spotted this instantly and made a change. What astonished me more was that Terry Venables was perched up in the box nowhere to be seen. Surely he should be in close contact with the manager to discuss what was going wrong? If Venables was all the way up there he may have been at his local tanning salon or working for a look a like agency as Ray Winstone's double cos he was certainly of no use at the game tonight

Motty even said himself at the time

"Surely someone like Mourinho would make a change instantly?"

And right there he had hit the nail on the head. Someone like Jose is not scared to make decisions. England knew after 14 minutes that they needed at least two goals, so that was the time to make a change, because they had never looked like scoring. However, nothing was done by McClown as England laboured towards half time with one of their most inept displays in recent years.

Credit must also be given to Croatia to be honest. After their capitulation in Macedonia they found their feet and played some delightful football at times. Modric is a real star in the making and at times they had England running around in circles in the middle of the park. Croatia made light of the conditions and used the skidding surface to their advantage with superb attacking movements which often cut England apart.

The half time analysis in the BBC studio was like a wake. Lineker and Shearer were so shocked that they looked like they had found out they were brothers. Wrighty was in such a state of shock that he couldn't even bother laying into England and he just started laughing at the desperate affair. Hansen, the wee lad, couldn't wait to get stuck in to England as he handed out an absolute roasting. The Scottish legend is brilliant at summing things up in one word statements e.g Power. Pace. Strength. However, none of these words could describe England at half time. So instead he went for

"Outclassed.Outfought.Outplayed"

End of story.

So, to the 2nd half, and McClaren had finally realised after nearly half an hour of concentration and thought that England needed to play with two strikers. On came Goldenballs and Jermaine Defoe to try and dig England out the huge whole they were in.

England immediately got the bit between their teeth and were handed a lifeline as the linesman awarded a penalty for a shirt tug on Defoe. At first look, Fat Frank looked like he took an excellent penalty to send the keeper the wrong way. On second look, the Croatia goalie was so far over to his left hand side before the ball was struck that it had a whiff of Bruce Grobelaar about it. Cue Motson wetting his pants.

However, things were not over as Carson made a stunning save as an unmarked Kovac stole in following a left wing corner. Things then took another twist as Wayne Bridge nearly got merked before spooning the ball onto his own crossbar. At this point, I thought to myself, this is like the Champions League Final again in 1999 when Man United were up against it and somehow made it through. I thought, this must be England's night, surely they must capitalise on the outrageous fortune that they had just received.

Well, minutes later it looked like they had done it as Beckham delivered one of the balls of the season towards Peter Crouch to brilliantly level and send Wembley into raptures. Cue Motson wetting his pants.

Now at this point, England had done the hard work and somehow got themselves into a qualifying position. However, like all England sides over the last few years they went to defensive mode. This is when the manager again should have took control and told his players to stop sitting back. Beckham, having set up Crouch for the equaliser was finding himself behind Micah Richards in the right back slot. England players were standing off all over the park as they looked to hold on to what they had instead of going for the jugular. Croatia again grabbed a foothold in the game and it was no surprise that Petric, who was allowed the freedom of the pitch, strode forward to slam the ball past a slightly unsighted Carson. Cue Motson wetting his pants.

England again looked for that elusive goal but apart from one shot by Darren Bent, never looked like getting it. In all honesty, they were lucky to escape without an even bigger hammering as their gung ho tactics left them hopelessly exposed at the back. In the latter stages England's sole tactic of hoofing the ball forwards in hope was excruciating to watch and almost as embarrassing as watching your parents snog each other in public.

England were a disgrace throughout this whole campaign to be honest and whenever they were faced with decent opposition they shown to be nothing less than average. However, despite all this, they had a golden opportunity to sneak in through the back door tonight and they somehow bottled it. McClown has said that he won't walk away. This has really got my goat, surely he must resign. Following Sven's legacy of 3 quarter finals, the least McClown had to do was match this for him to justify his appointment. However, for him to not even manage to get through this qualifying group means that McClaren has to tender his resignation to show he actually has a bit of dignity about him. If he doesn't I am going to round his house and sort him out myself.

As we reflect on tonight's shambles, feel free to let us know your comments and thoughts on this sorry qualifying campaign.

Sunil


Kofi's classic commentary moment

Motty - "say something Mark"

Lawro - "i can't"

Sums it all up really.

Child's Play....

I am sure that most of you probably didn't get to see the Scotland game in Georgia, due to the fact you were probably still drowning your sorrows after England managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Thankfully, I missed the England debacle and made it home in time to see Scotland see off Georgia, to leave them needing just a point against Italy against Hampden. Or so I thought. Instead, I saw the Scots turn in an absolute abject performance to leave them with it all do in their final game.

The more concerning thing for the Scots is that they appeared to be beaten by a bunch of school kids. I think the guy who scored the first goal was 16 years old and the Georgian goalie was 17 years old or something. Now, I am no football genius, but if I was the Scotland manager I would have told my players to have as many shots as possible but the David Hasselhoff look-a-like had nothing to do for the whole 90 minutes, apart from stroke his bum-fluff.

The terrible state of the pitch probably didn't help, but Scotland looked clueless from start to finish. Perhaps they were confused by the fact that all the Georgian players had ridiculously high numbers on their shirts. The guy who scored the first goal had the number 99 on his back. To be fair, I think some of the Scotland team got so baffled by the numbers that they thought they were playing American football, as some of their overphysical play demonstrated.

I think David Weir probably just wondered what the hell was going on and was thinking that he was playing against some of his children or something, cos he must be at least 50 years of age by now.

Scotland have been immense so far through qualifying and credit to them for taking it to the last game. It would be a shame if they miss out on qualifying, due to the fact that they lost to a bunch of players whose balls haven't even dropped yet.

As for Georgia, well in about 12 years, perhaps they could become a world force in football. They obviously have terrific breeding at the moment knocking out all kinds of talent. Arsene Wenger will probably snaffle some of them and bundle them in a van and drive them down to the Emirates. But as a famous Scotsman once said..... "You never win anything with kids"

Sunil