My Rant....

I have a few things on my mind after last nights circus act. England tumbled out of Euro 2008 after quite possibly the worst performance I have seen from an apparently "world class" team. McClaren will surely take most of the flack and rightly so, he made some of the worst decisions since someone decided to give Michele McManus a record deal.

Firstly, why play Carson in goal and leave him in the firing line? Robinson was a dead man walking, it could only go uphill for him, so it would have been fine to leave him in the team, another mistake would have been expected. Instead he included a 22 year old, and has potentially ended his England career already.

That stupid umbrella, what was he thinking? Why wasn't he out there firing up his team? Any manager with a bit of passion would have been out there in his shirt, with his sleeves rolled up, screaming from the touchline, instead McClaren wanted to avoid another trip to Vidal Sassoon.

How stupid are the FA? Probably one of the worst run organisations in the history of the world, probably worse than Enron. Knowing full well you're hiring a man with the credentials of a 2 year old child, you somehow fail to write a clause in the contract that says if he fails to qualify he is sacked. Instead McClaren walks away with 2.5million pounds for doing absolutely nothing, and embarrassing the nation. Disgraceful, why not just go out and burn money wearing a thong in the streets of London? Just as embarrassing and just as much money would be wasted.

Hearing England fans say they really should have beaten these teams easily. Really? At what point did England become world beaters? They haven't won a trophy since TVs were black and white. Croatia were miles miles better than England. Olic, Modric and Kranjcar to name a few, were making a mockery of the England midfield, packed with all those "world class" players. Modric, who isn't even at a big European club had Gerrard, Lampard and Barry getting a mortgage in his pocket, but of course England should have blown away the opposition like they always do sigh.

Now on to the English players, the basic aspects of football are to score goals and to pass the ball to each other. Imagine a professional dancer with no rhythm, now you can picture how bad England were. Its totally unforgivable when your so called "world class" players can't do something as simple as pass the ball to each other. Regardless of all the blame placed on McClaren, you cant deny how awful the players were.

Here are my player ratings,

Carson - "Body behind ball", simple really. England career probably over already. Utter nightmare. That reflex save wont save his career - 4

Richards - There were points when I wondered if there was actually an English right back on the pitch. Krankjar was all over him. - 5

Campbell - Although he is bereft of any of the normal footballing skills, like control and touch, he did get himself in the way a few times. -5

Lescott - Hoof, Hoof , Hoof. Awful hair cut, minus 1 point. - 4

Bridge - Awful, easily the worst player on the pitch. With the positioning of a blind man, drunk on whiskey, wearing roller skates. - 1

Barry - Lost the ball too much, and forgot how to deliver a decent set piece. - 4

Gerrard - Easily his worst ever performance. Couldn't pass wind, couldn't motivate the team, couldn't do anything apart from run around a lot. - 2

Lampard - He came on as substitute to score the penalty...Oh wait. Anonymous, but somehow he still managed to get man of the match. Bizarre - 4

SWP - Did some good work, but he can't deliver anything, not even a pizza. He isn't exactly a goalscorer and doesn't track back enough. Bentley and Pennant are much better in my opinion. -5

Joe Cole - Completely and utterly frustrating, if he is England's most skillful player, then English football is in a complete and utter crisis. Get up off the floor Joe. 5

Crouch - Easily the best player, great goal and all round play. This man is a legend, hold your head up high Peter, not that he needs any help with that. - 8

Subs - Beckham - Parcelforce did what he does best, sadly he might not reach a 100 caps. Legend- 7

Bent- Unlucky - 5

Defoe - Won a penalty - 5

In reflection this is the kick up the arse, English football needs. From grass roots upwards a complete overhaul is needed. What really summed it up was seeing a David Beckham advert for his new fragrance when I switched the channel at half time, says it all really.

England Bottle It........!!!!!!

England's dismal qualifying campaign came to a spectacular end at Wembley last stadium night as they crashed 3-2 at home to Croatia. Let's get facts straight, England were completely outclassed last night and if they had somehow blundered their way through, then it would have been a bigger screw job then when Brett Hart got stitched up by Vince McMahon and Shawn Michaels in the WWF.

There is so much that I want to talk about, that this may take a while so bear with me and take a long deep breath.....here goes....

Let's look at what happened last week. Israel somehow managed to hand England a lifeline as they broke Russian hearts in the last minute(cue the usual chest thumping and English hype - Kofi). England's prayers had been answered and they needed a solitary point against a team who had already qualified...AT HOME. Its a bit like turning up to your driving test and realising that all you need to do to pass is drive in a straight line for 10 yards. You just wouldn't believe your luck that things could be made so easy for you.

Fast forward to tonights game and things got off to the worst possible start as Nico Kranjcar ghosted in to send a tepid shot towards goal. Scott Carson showed all the composure of a virgin as he let the ball skid off his body and into the net. He got down slower than a 90 year old trying to put on his slippers. Cue Motson wetting his pants. In conditions such as last night, it is imperative that you get your body behind the ball. Perhaps Carson had too much lubricant on his hands after tossing McClaren off, cos surely that is the only way he managed to find his way into the starting XI last night. Now, don't get me wrong, Paul Robinson is a joke, but with such an inexperienced defence McClown has to live and die by his decision to hand a goalie his competitive debut in such a big game. Many people thought that perhaps Carson may not have a lot to do tonight, but how wrong could they have been.

Things took another sorry twist for England as Prince/Symbol/Eduardo bamboozled the home defence to slot in Olic who rounded a stunned Carson to double Croatia's lead. The visiting fans were sent into ecstasy as they partied like it was 1999 (sorry). Cue Motson wetting his pants.

At times like this, you look for inspiration, for leaders. With Terry and Beckham absent, England did not really have anything on the pitch to give them that drive and that energy and so you look to the manager. So what exactly was McClaren doing when England were staring knockout in the face? Doing his best impression of Dick van Dyke in Mary Poppins as he stood under his umbrella, that's what. If he wasn't doing that he was sitting their writing notes on his pad. What exactly was McClown writing? A list of possible jobs he could have when he inevitably has to depart? His list of post match excuses?

The whole country could see that having Crouch up front on his own was not working. A good manager, a manager with tactical nous would have spotted this instantly and made a change. What astonished me more was that Terry Venables was perched up in the box nowhere to be seen. Surely he should be in close contact with the manager to discuss what was going wrong? If Venables was all the way up there he may have been at his local tanning salon or working for a look a like agency as Ray Winstone's double cos he was certainly of no use at the game tonight

Motty even said himself at the time

"Surely someone like Mourinho would make a change instantly?"

And right there he had hit the nail on the head. Someone like Jose is not scared to make decisions. England knew after 14 minutes that they needed at least two goals, so that was the time to make a change, because they had never looked like scoring. However, nothing was done by McClown as England laboured towards half time with one of their most inept displays in recent years.

Credit must also be given to Croatia to be honest. After their capitulation in Macedonia they found their feet and played some delightful football at times. Modric is a real star in the making and at times they had England running around in circles in the middle of the park. Croatia made light of the conditions and used the skidding surface to their advantage with superb attacking movements which often cut England apart.

The half time analysis in the BBC studio was like a wake. Lineker and Shearer were so shocked that they looked like they had found out they were brothers. Wrighty was in such a state of shock that he couldn't even bother laying into England and he just started laughing at the desperate affair. Hansen, the wee lad, couldn't wait to get stuck in to England as he handed out an absolute roasting. The Scottish legend is brilliant at summing things up in one word statements e.g Power. Pace. Strength. However, none of these words could describe England at half time. So instead he went for

"Outclassed.Outfought.Outplayed"

End of story.

So, to the 2nd half, and McClaren had finally realised after nearly half an hour of concentration and thought that England needed to play with two strikers. On came Goldenballs and Jermaine Defoe to try and dig England out the huge whole they were in.

England immediately got the bit between their teeth and were handed a lifeline as the linesman awarded a penalty for a shirt tug on Defoe. At first look, Fat Frank looked like he took an excellent penalty to send the keeper the wrong way. On second look, the Croatia goalie was so far over to his left hand side before the ball was struck that it had a whiff of Bruce Grobelaar about it. Cue Motson wetting his pants.

However, things were not over as Carson made a stunning save as an unmarked Kovac stole in following a left wing corner. Things then took another twist as Wayne Bridge nearly got merked before spooning the ball onto his own crossbar. At this point, I thought to myself, this is like the Champions League Final again in 1999 when Man United were up against it and somehow made it through. I thought, this must be England's night, surely they must capitalise on the outrageous fortune that they had just received.

Well, minutes later it looked like they had done it as Beckham delivered one of the balls of the season towards Peter Crouch to brilliantly level and send Wembley into raptures. Cue Motson wetting his pants.

Now at this point, England had done the hard work and somehow got themselves into a qualifying position. However, like all England sides over the last few years they went to defensive mode. This is when the manager again should have took control and told his players to stop sitting back. Beckham, having set up Crouch for the equaliser was finding himself behind Micah Richards in the right back slot. England players were standing off all over the park as they looked to hold on to what they had instead of going for the jugular. Croatia again grabbed a foothold in the game and it was no surprise that Petric, who was allowed the freedom of the pitch, strode forward to slam the ball past a slightly unsighted Carson. Cue Motson wetting his pants.

England again looked for that elusive goal but apart from one shot by Darren Bent, never looked like getting it. In all honesty, they were lucky to escape without an even bigger hammering as their gung ho tactics left them hopelessly exposed at the back. In the latter stages England's sole tactic of hoofing the ball forwards in hope was excruciating to watch and almost as embarrassing as watching your parents snog each other in public.

England were a disgrace throughout this whole campaign to be honest and whenever they were faced with decent opposition they shown to be nothing less than average. However, despite all this, they had a golden opportunity to sneak in through the back door tonight and they somehow bottled it. McClown has said that he won't walk away. This has really got my goat, surely he must resign. Following Sven's legacy of 3 quarter finals, the least McClown had to do was match this for him to justify his appointment. However, for him to not even manage to get through this qualifying group means that McClaren has to tender his resignation to show he actually has a bit of dignity about him. If he doesn't I am going to round his house and sort him out myself.

As we reflect on tonight's shambles, feel free to let us know your comments and thoughts on this sorry qualifying campaign.

Sunil


Kofi's classic commentary moment

Motty - "say something Mark"

Lawro - "i can't"

Sums it all up really.

Things That Annoy Me.....

1 - Steve McClown really must be the most unintelligent human being in football since David Pleat. I know he is clearly trying to instill confidence in a player but this quote defies belief, its like comparing Michael Chopra's premiership record to Alan Shearer's.

McClown seems to believe that Paul Robinson is like England's Peter Schmeichel.

"I feel the same confidence in Robbo that we had in Peter Schmeichel when I was at Manchester United. I would not play him otherwise."

Never has one man been so deluded, I could probably catch a ball better than him, even if i greased my hands up with KY jelly.

2 - This world player of the year nonsense, have a look at the shortlist is below.

Buffon (Juventus, Italy), Cannavaro (Real Madrid, Italy), Cech (Chelsea, Czech Rep), Ronaldo (Man Utd, Portugal), Deco (Barcelona, Portugal), Drogba (Chelsea, Ivory Coast), Essien (Chelsea, Ghana), Eto'o (Barcelona, Cameroon), Gattuso (AC Milan, Italy), Gerrard (Liverpool, England), Henry (Barcelona, France), Juninho (Lyon, Brazil), Kaka (AC Milan, Brazil), Klose (Bayern Munich, Germany), Lahm (Bayern Munich, Germany), Lampard (Chelsea, England), Marquez (Barcelona, Mexico), Messi (Barcelona, Argentina), Nesta (AC Milan, Italy), Pirlo (AC Milan, Italy), Ribery (Bayern Munich, France), Riquelme (Villarreal, Argentina), Ronaldinho (Barcelona, Brazil), Rooney (Man Utd, England), Terry (Chelsea, England), Tevez (Man Utd, Argentina), Thuram (Barcelona, France), Torres (Liverpool, Spain), Van Nistelrooy (Real Madrid, Holland), Vieira (Inter Milan, France).

As you can see, there are a few names who have done nothing over the past year to warrant a place in this plastic list, but they have been included. How has Thierry Henry made it onto the shortlist, when he was injured all last season? Is it because of past glories or because of sponsorship deals? If thats the case lets throw Rivaldo and Beckham in the mix, Why is Torres there? Great player but last season Torres did nothing of note. I just don't understand these awards, if you hae a massive sponsorship deal then you make it on the list. If you have been crap for 3 years you can still make it on the list. Why isn't Seedorf on the list? Its because he isn't a glamorous player, lets ignore how good he was in the champions league last season. Gerrard wasn't even Liverpool's best player last season, if he is there then surely Carra should be there. Where the hell is Zlatan? The man who was brilliant for Inter last season. Ronaldinho scored tons of goals last season, still doesn't make it, Totti has been the most prolific "striker" in world football over the past year, still hasn't made this list. Shocking.

3 -As you may or may not know, I am not Michael Owen's biggest fan, but he really is raising the bar when it comes to being a complete moron. Never has a man put his country before his club so often, even when advised by professionals. The only man who constantly declares himself fit for England games. Sorry Newcastle fans, but this man doesn't love your club.

4 - Why are Chelsea hiring Ten Cate when they have Clarke there? Is he just another spy before they hire a dutch manager or is it something else. Either way Clarke has signed a new deal so im guessing they will have 2 first team coaches for a while. Strange, too many cooks spoil the broth and all that, a bit like too many whores will make your dick limp.

5 - Where is Harry Kewell?

6 - "Ballack wants to stay at Chelsea for life" Of course he does, he gets 130 grand a week to chill on an "ankle" injury and live in Chelsea. What a superhero.

Black diamonds sparkle for England.....

England strolled to a comfortable victory to gain their first win at the new Wembley against a very poor Israeli side. England did what they had to and did it well. Even though the quality of the opposition left a lot to be desired there can be no doubt that England produced one of their most assured and cohesive performances for some time.

McClown for once got his tactics spot on. Heskey provided a much need focal point for England’s attack as he showed that even though he is relatively rubbish, he is still a million times better than Alan Smith. Playing with a genuine 4-4-2 was the key to England’s success as SWP and J.Cole exploited the wide areas and they were ably supported by Messers Cole and Richards.

SWP slotted home to settle any nerves the home crowd had, much to the delight of his appreciation society in the Match of the Day Studio. Once again, the nation saw how that the speedy little midget is now providing serious competition for that right wing position. Surely it won’t be long before Goldenballs return to the England side will soon be over with the likes of Bentley, Pennant and Lennon waiting in the wings. I think England looked much more of a threat without Beckham, with SWP and Micah Richards linking up brilliantly to scare the Israelis to death.

A fantastic goal from Michael Owen doubled the lead which led to John Motson again wetting himself.

“Has he ever scored a better goal for England? I don’t think he has.”

Again, the BBC showed why their commentators are clearly 3^rd rate. Does Motty remember a certain goal against Argentina? Does he remember the stage Owen was on and the fact that it was against one of the favourites for the World Cup? Does he realise that Israel are no better than a pub team. Motty do us all a favour and retire before you embarrass yourself any further.

Richards powered home a header to seal the victory and send the England fans home happy, though there was still time for them to give Bentley the bird, something which I think was unjustified.

So what can England take forward from here? Well for starters, I thought that Gareth Barry was outstanding and provided a perfect foil for Stevie G to maraud forward. His passing and distribution was first class and he provided two assists. Who knows what would have happened if the fat one had played but I think that England’s midfield was as balanced as it has been for some time. Another obvious thing is that it gives England another option from set pieces. I personally think it’s outrageous that Beckham takes all the set pieces and think there are other players who can provide just as much quality with their service

Richards was again outstanding, the guy is simply an animal. He can get caught out positionally every now and then but his recovery pace means he can get away with it, a bit like Sol Campbell used to. As much as G.Neville and Goldenballs are legends, they were at their peak 4-5 years ago and I think that its time for them to step aside and let SWP and Richards take their positions as it gives England a completely different dimension on the right hand side.

With any sense, and barring injuries, McClown will keep the same team for the game against Russia. He may have got lucky as this performance was down to him picking players he normally wouldn’t do. However, don’t be surprised if he bottles it and decides to alter things just to keep certain players happy. If he does, it could well be his downfall.