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Premiership Ups and Downs.....

Monday 15 August 2011

As the Americans would say, Gameweek 1 is over. F*CK YEAH! Let’s see who's feeling higher than Pete Doherty and those who are lower than a snake’s belly.

Going Up

Sergio Aguero & David Silva

I am sure I am not the only person who is going to be commenting on the spunktastic debut from Sergio Aguero but it was truly wonderful to watch. I mean, let’s keep it in perspective, he did enter against a tiring Swansea side, but even then his impact was terrific to watch and showed he could have the potential to perform as well as he does on Pro Evo ( sorry I mean for Atletico Madrid). It’s fair to say he could be making the sort of difference to City that Torres did to Liverpool in his first season and he could look right at home in the Premiership. However, the main joy of the game was the brilliant orchestrator David Silva. I personally think as football has progressed , especially in the Premiership, then has been a diminishing influence of the little playmaker. However, Silva is a throwback to the good old days and it’s great to see someone who relies solely on vision, touch and awareness to flourish, rather than just physical prowess. Add to this his understanding with Aguero and is it possible that we could be seeing the birth of a partnership to equal that of Dwight Yorke and Andy Cole. I suggest we stay tuned to the tabloids to see if they can score just as well as Dwight and Andy did off the pitch.

Man United

How many other teams could have one shot on target and still win 2-1 when they looked to be heading for a draw? We might as well just hand the title to them now

Michael Vorm

He may have let in 4 goals but he had an outstanding debut. Makes you wonder what Arsene Wenger is up to if even Swansea can find a decent keeper. Apparently Wenger was sent a DVD of outstanding keepers at budget prices. His retort “I didn’t see it.”

Bolton Wanderers

Partypoopers of the highest order. And with the start these guys have, its probably just as well they have points on the board early doors

Fernandos Torres

Could the forgotten one be inching back to his best? Quite possibly, but whilst playing in a team which leaves him chronically short on service we are unlikely to ever see him hit the heights of those glory days at Anfield, which is a shame.

Going Down


















David de Gea

Another game, another cock up. Ashley Young helped him get away with it but expect this guy to be getting a lot of the rough stuff in his debut season.

Mario Balotelli

This guy is pi$$ed off even when he is playing and scoring. Lord knows how this loose cannon will react now that City won’t be needing him and the Aguero love in will begin. Wouldn’t surprise me to see him start some riots of his own in the near future. Watch this space.

QPR

Blackpool won 4-0 on the first day of last season and still got relegated. So it doesn’t bode well for the Super Hoops who got a mauling in front of their own fans on Saturday. Perhaps my tip of Neil Warnock getting the sack could happen sooner rather than later.

Gary Neville

Could Sky Sports now have their own version of Garth Crooks? Quite possibly. I suggest you mute the TV when this guy is on

Wayne Routledge

Apparently this clown has played for over 7 Premiership Teams, took part in over 100 games and still not scored a Premiership goal. Imagine a Porn Star who had starred in over 100 movies but not got his leg over. Please, someone tell this guy he is in the wrong business.

Joey Barton & Gervinho

Panto season starts early at St James Park. An embarrassment of the highest order. Not probably seen the famous Bowyer/Dyer debacle...talking of which...

Kieron Dyer

The glass man returns with a vengeance. He has my every sympathy but I think its about time he did the honourable thing and pack it in. This guy has had probably less game time then Winston Bogarde did at Chelsea. And that's saying something.

Sunil

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The Great Sack Race

Thursday 11 August 2011

Whilst predicting who will be in the running for the title is about as easy as looting a JD Sports in Hackney, a perhaps far more difficult task is looking at who are the contenders for the chop. So let’s take a look at the managers facing a “squeaky bum time”.


Harry Redknapp

I’m gonna start off with a potential left field choice in good old ‘arry from the Lane. This is might seem a slightly ludicrous prediction but stay with me on this one. Spurs are in the god forbidden Europa League this season and probably need a good run in order to bring in extra revenue and potentially win a cup to keep Mr Levy happy. Ally this with a desperate need to get in the Champions League again to keep the likes of VDV, Modric and Bale happy and the squad at the Lane could soon be very stretched and the failure to sign a top quality centre half and striker could soon seem them plummeting down the league quicker than a lead balloon. Add to this Redknapp’s obsession of whoring himself for the England job at every opportunity and it’s not hard to see that things could take a turn for the worst quicker than expected. Harry has previously admitted that he tends to go to clubs who are struggling in form and has never been to anywhere where they are already doing well. This analysis would place him directly at the door of the England job and he would have no qualm in jumping ship, as shown by his times at Pompey and Southampton. In all honestly, I personally want to see him sacked just so Jamie doesn’t spend an hour fellating him whilst in the Sky Studio (not literally of course)

Roberto Mancini

Mancini is an interesting character to say the least. An absolute legend of a player, his attitude to management is somewhat surprisingly pragmatic. If you were to give Mancini unlimited money to buy the best ingredients the he would end up concocting a Hamburger and Fries and not a Michelin Star Meal. Let’s be honest, City are pretty horrible to watch and rely on nicking the odd goal to win games or grinding down the opposition. With Tevez likely to depart the onus could fall on Mario Balotelli to lead the line. That’s a bit like letting your 7 year old kid drive your Mercedes Benz. That’s right, you wouldn’t. Whilst City have the squad to maintain a good Champs League run unless they are in the running for the title early doors then Scarfed one could be in trouble. His negativity last season did not matter as City were only aiming for 4th but to challenge for the title a more expansive approach will be needed. The FA Cup may have bought him time but when there is big money at stake then nothing can be put past those gazillionaire owners who are more trigger happy then Tony Montana with a machine gun.

Neil Warnock

An anagram of Neil Warnock is Colin W*nker. This has nothing to do with him getting the sack but it does always make me laugh. Colin took QPR to the title last year with plenty left to spare but this season will be a different kettle of fish. With millionaire owners refusing to give him more than about 2 quid to spend, the omens are not good. The mercurial Abel Taraadbt (hope I spelt that right) may be his saviour but Colin, although now a bit more mellowed ,still has an abrasive edge which may not go down well with his owners when the going gets tough. Nothing less than survival will be expected this year and if the R’s are in trouble around Xmas don’t be surprised to see Colin get his P45 as the owners look for a more glamorous name to splash the cash and take them to safety. I also would like to see him sacked because I think he’s a kn*b, but that’s by the by.

Alex Ferguson

Just kidding

(and a lot of you are probably thinking Arsene Wenger but even though I think he should go I would be astonished if the board fired him)

Mick McCarthy

I am sure most of you will agree that Mick is an affable chap. He also has a weird nose but I will forgive him for that. Wolves survived by the skin of their teeth last year thanks largely to an incredible record against teams in the top echelons of the table. With that unlikely to be repeated this year, the dirty Dingles will have to improve their form against the weaker sides which is far easier said than done. The signing of Roger Johnson could be key but the board will be hoping for more than last day survival this year and expect the pressure to be cranked up to the extreme this season. Mick’s saviour may be that there are probably 3 worse teams than Wolves in the league but if they are near the danger zone come Christmas then expect Mick’s nose to be put even more out of joint (not sure if that’s actually possible).

So there you go, there are my tips for the sack race. Please feel free to send me any winnings when the predictions come in.

Sunil


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Football? Bah Humbug

Wednesday 3 August 2011


Football is back. I should be excited. But I’m not. And that’s unusual. The impending football season for me is like the unwanted return of the Genital Herpes which you thought you had shaken off, only to return when you least expect it. This really shouldn’t be how I feel.

The Championship is a few days away and is swiftly followed by the return of the Premiership season. Cue adverts from Sky showing that we cannot live without football. But for me that simply isn’t true. After the end of the season I was actually grateful. The season finale and in particular Survival Sunday was a heart wrenching, nerve wracking spectacle which few other sports could ever match. A great note to finish on and then to take a good couple of months break before getting all excited about the next season...

....which like a flash has already arrived. But am I bothered? Not really. The two month break has descended into a two month orgy of football rumours/non football rumour which means it’s like the season has never ended. I understand that journalists must be having a difficult time of it to be honest. Like school teachers in the 6 week holiday, they have pretty much the square root of f*ck all to do. However, this for me is no excuse to just churn out non stories or link players with clubs a million times over without substance. The Tevez, Fabregas affairs are typical of this. Every time I see an article with either of these players in I just want to take the paper and wipe my arse with it. Am I the only person who thinks it would be way better if the papers just reported things when something was actually going to happen? E.g “Fab signs for Barca for £50 million on a 5 year deal.” Now there would be an article worth reading. Instead, all we get is “Fab - should he stay or go?” etc etc. Do I really give a f*ck? Just tell me when the transfer happens and then I will be interested you morons.

The internet and media have changed massively in the last few years and throw Twitter into the mix and you have a high potential for a cocktail of massive bullsh*t and conjecture. Can we really believe anything anyone says these days? Let’s take Daniel Sturridge for example. He has been linked with about nearly all 92 teams in the football league by my estimate (slight exaggeration perhaps). I mean, this is clearly a farce, newspapers are clearly taking a wild stab in the dark in order to try and claim that they got the exclusive right. Is this really what journalism is about? I am sure a few of you will be saying I should just avoid all football news but for it’s nearly impossible these days and at most times its unavoidable.

The lack of a break has not been helped by Europe. Stoke and Fulham are playing some farmers in Iceland whilst still arranging pre season friendlies. What the hell? Why bother even having a break at the end of the season these days? For me, it’s just too much. In former years, the lack of any real action in the mid season break (not sexual) would mean that I could not wait for the new season to start, with new signings abound. I do not even feel as though the old season has finished. It’s still lingering, much like an old fart. Obviously, in a couple of months I will be back in the football groove and all will be fine and dandy. I just wish that the last couple of months could have been a more football-less affair. A bit like a game at the Brittania Stadium.

Sunil