Cult Heroes….Part 2

There are a number of famous people, including celebrities, who may have long and established careers, but are generally only remember for one faux pas, incident, or genuine life changing moment. Take for example, Bill Clinton. The former American President is generally regarded as one of the most forward thinking and productive leaders, but what is he generally going to be remembered for. His work in Ireland? The Middle-East? Of course not, he is going to be remembered for the fact that he stuck a cigar in Monica Lewinksky’s fanjita. Also take Hugh Grant, who as well as being known for playing the exactly same role in every film he does (bumbling, charming Brit), will always be known for the fact that he got caught getting sucked off by Divine Brown in Sunset Boulevard. You can even take all time legend, Zinedine Zidane. What will he remembered for? That’s right, committing GBH in a World Cup Final. Well, to that long illustrious list you can add Tony Yeboah. And by that, I don’t mean he also got caught with Ms Brown,

Tony Yeboah is famous for pretty much about two to three games in his whole career. Any true football fan will know exactly what I am talking about. If you don’t know what I am talking about then you can piss off to another website (ok, that may be a bit harsh).

In the 1995/1996 season, Tony Yeboah unleashed a magnificent volley to score one of THE greatest goals the Premiership has ever seen. He latched onto a Rod Wallace knockdown to send the ball hurtling past David James at rate of knots from fully 35 yards. It was one of the those goals where if he tried it a 100 times, then 99 times it would end up in Row Z. Added to the fact that this was against Liverpool and this goal has forever endeared Yeboah to the Leeds faithful (and who can forget that celebration).

As if that wasn’t enough, the week after, Yeboah scored arguably a better goal against Wimbledon at Selhurst Park. Collecting the ball 40 yards from goal, some excellent close control created some space for him to send a stunning half volley screaming right into the top corner. Cue more wild celebrations from the Ghanaian. The shot was unofficially timed at a rip-roaring 96mph. That’s a massive 26mph faster than the average cheetah and around six times faster than a turkey at full pace. I shit you not. It was once said that Yeboah had the hardest shot in the world, and this was hilariously put to the test when he decided to exhibit his powerful penalty taking abilities against an unwitting goal keeper. As the penalty was taken, the goalkeeper tried to dodge the ball, but it swerved, smashed into him and broke the goalkeeper’s ribs.

To be fair to Yeboah, his goal record of 33 goals in 62 appearances was not to be sniffed at, and he did score a couple more memorable goals, notably against Manchester United. His Leeds career ended acrimoniously, with a fall out with George Graham signalling his departure(Bung taking prick). Perhaps George got pissed off that Tony wouldn’t track back to help out his defence. However, there is no doubt that Tony will always remain in Premiership folklore.

Tony Yeboah………WE SALUTE YOU!!

(As a child I visited this man’s house in Ghana, he held me as a child and blessed me with the ability to smash volleys as hard as possible, it’s a shame I haven’t quite mastered the accuracy bit. Thank you, Tony. – Ed)

The Baby Faced Assassin...

The baby faced assassin has hung up his boots and decided to retire from the game. As a Liverpool fan it’s hard to provide a tribute to one of our greatest enemies and rivals’ best ever players but you have to give respect where respect is due. Solskjaer will always be remembered for the “divine intervention” moment were he scored in the final seconds of the Champions League Final, some may say his career actually ended that year, because injuries have cursed him ever since and that has ultimately brought his career to an end.

He joined Man Utd in 1996 for a measly fee of £1.5m, scoring 126 goals in 366 appearances. You might say that isn’t the greatest strike rate, but Solskjaer is officially the greatest ever substitute. That said, I think he deserves to be remembered as someone more important and influential than that, often coming off the bench to score some of the most priceless goals in the history of the Premiership. I remember his cameo against Liverpool in the 1999 FA Cup, coming off the bench to score another last minute winner. In the era of players throwing hissy fits, it’s always good to see someone who had the respect for his team and manager to wait on the bench and wait for his chance, and he always seemed to make that impact when he did. He even played on the wing in David Beckham’s absence, and many wondered how Becks would get his place back. Many people will remember the man who came off the bench against Nottingham Forest scored 4 goals in the last 12 minutes to help Man Utd 8-1, simply undeniable brilliance. The man was better on the bench than a 16 yr old drunken chav called Tracy. Lets all hail the man who was the inspiration behind great phrases such as “The Late Rhost” and the “Last minute heart breaker”. The Premiership will miss Ole, but I’m sure fans of the clubs whose hearts he broke will certainly not.

Flippin 'eck

Man Utd 1 Tottenham 0

Man Utd recorded their first win of the season against a struggling Tottenham side. Nani or maybe Tevez grabbed the winner with a 30 yard drive that deflected off Tevez past the always “helpless” Robinson. Nani celebrated with his banned trademark backflip, how long before he lands on his head and is ruled out for the season? Berbatov was as classy as ever and was the centre of another Old Trafford penalty furore. Berbatov chipped the ball past Van Der Sar, and it was heading in, before Wes Brown appeared to have blocked it with his arm. Once again the ref decided against awarding the penalty. Remember, you have to understand, getting a penalty at Old Trafford is probably like having a threesome with the Olsen twins, it’s probably never going to happen in your lifetime. Either way, the video evidence suggests that it wasn’t a penalty, so the referee for once made the right decision. One bright spark for Tottenham was Gareth Bale who looked excellent on the left wing, and what more needs to be said about Berbatov? He is simply a superb player, and him staying with Tottenham is like when you heard Michael Douglas was marrying Catherine Zeta Jones, it made you wonder, surely it’s only because he has money. Sorry Tottenham fans, but I think it’s only a matter of time before Berbatov is holding hands with a better looking partner.

Chelsea 1 – 0 Portsmouth

Chelski limped to an unimpressive win against Pompey who were unlucky not to grab a point. Mourinho blamed the performance on the internationals which was fair enough, but his attempts to also blame the lacklustre performance on the weather was simply laughable. It was about 25C on Saturday, a beautiful day for football. Anyone would think it was about 50C and the players were burning themselves to death. Besides Jose, it’s the same for both teams…it didn’t seem to affect the Portsmouth players did it? Despite such an expensively assembled squad, Chelski’s goal once again via the Wimbledon route one method. Cech’s goal kick helped on my Drogbacite (in the John Fashanu role) for Fat Frank (in the Robbie Earle role) to slip the ball past a beleaguered David James. When will Chelski start producing the kind of football that their outlay justifies?

Sunderland 0 - 2 Liverpool

A very impressive Liverpool dispatched the Black Cats with ease in a comfortable and assured performance, which was completed without talisman Stevie G. Sunderland never really threatened and even Momo Sissoko managed to grab his first goal for the Reds. Torres was a constant menace and the victory was sealed by a fine goal by Voronin, who would well be the free transfer of the season. He looks like a porn star and he certainly finishes like one too his fine low shot completing a fine display. Whisper it quietly; Liverpool could perhaps be at last set to mount a challenge for the title.

Arsenal 1 - 0 Man City

Arsenal are slowly becoming one of the most predictable teams, especially at the Emirates. They create chance after chance, miss all of them, then inevitably grab a winner at the death. Manchester City probably thought they had seen off the Gunners, but Arsenal are like Peter North, they just keep coming and coming. Even a missed penalty by RVP failed to knock them and Fabregas duly hammered home the winner to maintain their unbeaten start. Sven has lost his 100% record but City produced enough to suggest that they can push for a European place this year.

West Ham 1 - 1 Wigan

The points were shared at Upton Park in a mediocre affair. Curbishley has spent big but doesn’t look as though he has made much progress and their fine form at the end of last year appears to have been single handedly to do with the performances of Carlos Tevez rather than the management of the former Charlton man. Wigan continued their excellent start, with Scharner scoring with a brilliant overhead kick. Everyone’s most hated player, Lee Bowyer, bagged an equaliser to guarantee a share of the spoils.

Everton 1 – 1 Blackburn

James McFadden’s low shot handed Everton a point in an entertaining affair with Blackburn. After Wenger’s outrageous claim that Blackburn are violent (did you watch last years League Cup Final Arsene), Mark Hughes’ side produced a fine display. Santa Cruz’s goal came against the run of play, but after that they were in complete control, with David Dunn outstanding. Moyes’ men will be happy to have escaped with a point.

Derby 1 - 2 Birmingham

Hapless Derby continued their rapid return to the Championship with another toothless display. Davies’ policy of buying crap second rate players appears to have already caught up with him and the fact they were outplayed by an average Birmingham City side should be of serious concern. A good result for Potato Head though and Birmingham look as though they may have a fighting chance of staying up this year.

Bolton 3 - 0 Reading

The Trotters romped to victory over an injury depleted Reading at the Reebok. Gary Speed maintained his record of scoring in every Premiership season, and Nicolas Anelka capped a fine display with another goal. This result will buy wee Sammy some much needed time. However, he needs to hold onto Le Sulk and the Senegalese Spitter to have any chance of survival, as without those two, you cannot see Bolton scoring to save their life. In fact, they may need to draft in the great Pele to help with their scoring impotency should they lose their two talismen.

Aston Villa 2 - 1 Fulham

A last gasp goal by Shaun Maloney gave Villa a deserved three points in a game which featured more dodgy decisions than an OJ Simpson trial. Ashley Young gave Baird an absolute roasting which eventually resulted in him being sent off, an incident which tilted the game in Aston Villa’s favour.

Middlesborough 2 – 2 Newcastle

Honours even at the Riverside in a game which was short on overall quality but produced four fine goals. Viduka used all his strength and weight to outmuscle Woodgate to fire home what looked like the winner, only for Sunderland old boy Julio Arca to capitalise on poor defending to fire home an equaliser only minutes later. Not much else to report apart from the fact that Arca appears to slowly be turning into Gareth Southgate in terms of his appearance which is nothing to be proud of.

England, Neighbours & The Karma Sutra....

England were again defeated by the Germans in a poor performance, rather typical of McClaren’s era. Out passed by an German team lacking probably every first team forward they have, no Ballack, Klose, Podolski, Frings, Schweinsteiger, and Lahm playing as a holding midfielder. The Germans have no penetration and lack the strength in depth that England have. Imagine trying to have sex with your girlfriend knowing that you had lost three inches off your manhood, you wouldn’t go in with much confidence would you? But even so, the likes of Kuranyi were still able to cut open an England side with some surprisingly slick passing which I think the England team could learn from. To rehash an old phrase “parcelforce” aka David Beckham was delivering some great trademark parcels, but with small strikers up top and the non existent Alan Smith (words fail me) there wasn’t the cutting edge needed. It was clear that Becks needed a rest, so why didn’t McClaren bring on SWP and see what he could do on the right, as he’s been doing so well for Chelsea. This is clearly the easy option and most intellectual option, but these easy and intellectual are two things McClown seems to have no idea about. SWP gets shunted to the left, and produces a fine display even though he was another player pushed into a position that he didn’t want to be in, let alone Dyer who was placed upfront for some ridiculously strange reason. I think from now one I might have to call him Steve “Karma Sutra” McClaren as he seems to love putting things in the craziest positions possible.

So what have we learned? Well not a great more than what we know already. Firstly, Michael Owen, please do us all a favour and retire from the beautiful game. Tell me, what exactly do you contribute to England these days? I will admit, the service you had was fairly poor but I think your best days are behind you. Can you hold the ball up? No. Can you bring others into play? No. Do you make unselfish runs to help your team-mates? No. Ah, so all you do is play on the last shoulder….but that’s no good. Unless Mickey scores he doesn’t contribute whatsoever to the team. Can any team, let alone England afford that luxury? I don’t think so. Look at Kuranyi today, perhaps not always a goal threat but his all round play was superb and he kept England’s back line on their toes at all time. I think that Owen should just go and setup a market selling a DVD of “that goal” vs Argentina and “that” hat-trick vs Germany. That is pretty much all he has done and ever will do for England in the future. He could have scored tonight but proceeded to miss an open goal. I think he could do with taking some shooting lessons of Ron Jeremy.

Moving to the other end of the pitch and Paul Robinson had an absolute nightmare. I reckon his namesake off Neighbours would have done a better job today, and he’s a cripple. Robinson should just be named Dracula, cos he is just so scared of crosses its untrue and he couldn’t catch a cold to save his life. I think its time for Calamity to make a long awaited comeback.

Can please someone tell me what on earth Alan Smith is doing playing for England. He is not a goalscorer and is just a thug. I would rather have Emile Heskey up there and that’s not even a joke. In fact, I reckon any Championship striker couldn’t do much worse that Smith. His selection defies any sort of logic and belief.

One other thing, how does Dyer always get in the England squad but Pennant and Bentley are constantly overlooked despite their excellent club form? Answers on a post-card please.

As if the game wasn’t bad enough, we had to put up with some outrageously bad punditry off the BBC. Shearer was at his comical best, saying that Stevie G and Lampard could play together even though he admitted that they had never done so before. Well done Alan, you would make a great manager. Why won’t anyone step in and say what the nation is thinking? Stevie G should be in centre midfield, with a holding midfielder alongside him (Hargreaves/Carrick). Is it really that bloody hard to figure out? Its not like we are dealing a with a puzzle like the Rubiks cube here, its just plain common sense. Its as if there is some players union not to say Lampard should not be playing for England. Let me put it this way, you ask every single manager in world football who they would rather have in their team. Fat or Stevie? I rest my case.

The Man In Black.......

Rob Styles has been relieved of his refereeing duties next weekend, and I for one, am a very relieved “unbiased” football fan (haha). Being the man in black is clearly a high pressure job, but let’s compare the decisions a referee has to make with say a doctor. A doctor has to make similar split second decisions, and in his case there are lives on the line; this puts things into perspective. Doctors have all sorts of technology to ensure that they do not make mistakes that could cost someone their life, so why hasn’t football introduced similar technology to ensure that games are decided by fair means. Many will say that technology would slow down the game, and ruin it as a spectator sport., but how much time do we see wasted by players arguing and querying dodgy decisions in a game. The incident at Fulham was testament to this. David Healy was furious that his goal wasn’t awarded, and spent considerable time questioning the linesman and delaying the match. If Healy had had some sort of 3^rd opinion to consult, he wouldn’t have had to argue because he would have been proven right.

Referees are, at the end of the day, human beings prone to making mistakes. They have emotions, allegiances, and now (with the punishments handed out to referees that make mistakes) will have to handle more pressure, which evidently leads to more errors. It’s a vicious circle that can probably only be solved by introducing some sort of conclusive help.

Rob Styles is a referee renowned for making rash decisions; he awarded Liverpool a very dubious penalty last season after an acoustic “foul” on Steven Gerrard; never had the name “Rob” been so apt. And last weekend he awarded a penalty straight out of a Disney movie to rescue a point for Chelsea. To be fair to Styles, he was constantly dealing with players in his face, trying to influence his decision; notably England captain John Terry, whose behaviour clearly did not help the situation. I look at it like this: I remember when I was at school, there were guys who had a tendency to crumble under pressure. The hot girl from across the class would ask them for a pencil, and they would literally wet their pants. These weren’t the guys you would rely on when you needed a wing man; Rob Styles is that guy. He is famed for making mistakes under pressure, and awarding him the biggest match of the season so far was a recipe for disaster. This highlights the refereeing crisis the Premier League is having, where the most high profile English referee goes to the World Cup and embarrasses a nation. Do you think you would ever see Collina giving a player three yellow cards? As bad as Styles’ penalty decision was it was by no means as erroneous as the one that denied Fulham a legitimate goal, and this is why the problem needs to be addressed.

The smokescreen caused by players diving and cheating in world football, does mean referees can find it difficult, but goal line decisions that can be cleared up with one quick glance at a video replay are inexcusable. These are the things I feel need to be introduced to improve the game.

1 – Some tennis type “hawkeye” technology which makes sure it’s conclusive when the ball crosses the line.

2- Video playback and mic link to another party to consult when the referee is in doubt, rather than running to the linesman who is probably just as unsighted/inept/useless/etc. And at the end of the day these incidents are a lot easier to clear up in slow motion from a 1000 different angles.

3 – Allow rugby type mics, so we can all hear the eloquent English being expressed by the likes of Rooney and Diouf.

4 – To stop players constantly crowding the ref, allow one player to talk to the ref, possibly the captain, but in Chelsea’s case this could be a bad idea. Any other player who tries to get involved gets an instant yellow card.

5- If a player feigns injury or is injured they should be taken off the pitch immediately for 5 minutes. That way they are getting treatment if they are injured and if they are not then there team gets penalised for 5 minutes.

6- Any blatantly obvious diving is immediately punished with a red card and a one match ban.

7- Sack Uriah Rennie, Rob Styles and all the other useless referees.

Itchy Feet....

Dedicated in loving memory to Martin Jol…..

Chairmen of premiership football teams are archetypal men. They’re easily bored, easily tempted and nearly always get caught with their pants down. Take the chairman of Tottenham, David Levy. Never mind the fact that Spurs have finished 5^th the last two seasons, Levy now wants a top 4 team. And he appears to doubt Martin Jol, his manager, is the man to give it to him.

Levy behaves like the leader of the cool gang in an American high school. Picture the scene: Levy in the playground surveying all the managers, suddenly realises he’s not satisfied with his simple high school hottie, Jol. He wants someone new, someone all the other chairmen will be jealous of. Enter Juande Ramos, the Sevilla manager. He’s hotter than Jol, much admired and exotic to boot. Levy wants him, and what Levy wants, Levy gets. Now he isn’t just going to stroll over and start chatting up Ramos. Firstly, he’s got a rep to protect, and secondly, he’s still got his current squeeze Jol knocking about. So he does what any self-respecting ‘cool’ gang leader would do, he sends over 2 of his minions to feel Ramos out. Naturally, though, in typical high school movie fashion, the minions aren’t exactly stealth. The illicit party are spotted together in a hotel. Excellent work boys! Now, Levy and co. can use Shaggy’s “I didn’t do it” line all they like, but Jol’s no fool and neither are we. Ramos whilst clearly embarrassed about being outed as ‘that kind’ of manager will no doubt get over it, and stand by his newly acquired man. I expect we’ll see the happy couple parading around White Hart Lane very soon.

So, clearly, football is a harsh game; barely 3 weeks into the premiership campaign and the big man from Holland looks like he’s on his way out. Not a fait a complis just yet, but, so sure are those in the know, his own wife has booked a late summer family holiday in September.

The only possible hope for Jol now, is a resounding thumping of Man United this Sunday. Granted, Man United are experiencing a bit of ‘mare at the moment, in that no one seems to want to score (a bit of a problem in this game), but Spurs just aren’t the sorts to kick a team when their down. They’re nice like that.

So, my suggestion: if you can find a bookie still taking bets, put a couple of quid on Martin to win the sack race. He’ll see you right.

Charlotte

Worst Penalty Ever.....

“Eh Bobby..what is the French for sh*t penalty?”

Well the millions of votes have been counted and the nation has spoken. On Sunday 22 October 2005, Robert Pires and Thierry Henry tried to create one of the most memorable moments in the modern game. However, they only managed to concoct of the funniest incidents the game has seen since Mwepu Llunga of Congo decided to run out of the wall for a free kick and belt the ball upfield after the referee had blown his whistle.

To be fair, what Henry and Bobby tried was innovative and audacious. It’s a shame then that what followed turned out to be little more than a homage to the Chuckle Brothers’s “to me..to you “ shenanigans.

Just to recap, the two Frenchmen were trying to recreate the moment, when in the 1982-83 season, Ajax's Johan Cruyff exchanged passes with team-mate Jesper Olsen before scoring.

However, Pires showed all the bottle of Jean Van de Velde at the British Open as when he tried to start the exchange, he merely rolled his studs on the ball, allowing the Manchester City players to come in and clear the ball. The scenario was even more bizarre as it transpired that Pires and Henry had planned the routine before, except in practice, the roles were to be reversed. Here is the shambles in all its glory.

This really shows why footballers are some of the least intelligent people you will find. Henry and Pires planned everything fine, and then they swap roles at the last minute. That sort of behaviour is akin to two actors learning all their lines then deciding to swap roles before the start of the film. Imagine if Leonardo DiCaprio decided to instead decide to play the part of Juliet and Claire Daynes was going to be Romeo. Exactly.

Thierry and Bobby…you took the worst ever penalty in football history. I can tell from the picture below that you are disappointed about receiving this accolade but don’t worry, life goes on.

YES! YES! NO! NO! NOOOOO!!

Oh dear, this is the moment when Sir Alex thought Tevez had equalised. Akin to meeting a lovely lady in thailand, and then realising she has meat and 2 veg down below. Classic

DAYLIGHT ROB-BERY AT ANFIELD

Liverpool 1 Rob Styles 1

Liverpool were denied three points after a truly awful penalty decision allowed Chelsea to level the scores. Makes you wonder about the sanity of referees these days, the Chelsea players were guilty of harassing Rob Styles at every opportunity, even when decisions went their way. Torres gave Liverpool the lead after latching onto a brilliant through ball from the ever inspirational Steven Gerrard; he knocked the ball past the statuesque Ben Haim and then produced a neat finish reminiscent of Thierry Henry himself. Liverpool looked very comfortable, with Chelsea

Chelsea’s only shot on target came from the penalty spot, the inept Rob Styles awarded a penalty because apparently Finnan impeded Malouda in the box, but in fact it looked like Malouda charged into Finnan. Probably the worst decision I have seen since Steps decided to reform. Styles had clearly been intimidated by the England captain, who consistently got in Rob Styles’ face, when will they punish players for this type of behaviour? The penalty was then converted by the rubenesque Lampard, who then proceeded to run to the away fans and shout “Franki Lampard, Franki Lampard”, and also did a celebration resembling him putting another pizza in the oven, very strange behaviour me thinks. What do you expect from a man who has his own TV channel, which I’m sure will be full of dietary tips for the English public. Rob Styles then proceeded to continue his Graham Poll impression, by clearly booking Essien and not sending him off, he later claimed that he booked Terry, but if that’s true then why did he brandish his yellow card twice? Styles’ performance was similar to letting a blind man take control of a steering wheel, you could just about guarantee there was going to be an accident. All in all, Chelsea will be the happier team, but Liverpool are beginning to look like a side who can finally mount a sustained title challenge.

Man City 1 Man Utd 0

Manchester United fell closer and closer to the relegation zone, after losing to local rivals Man City. For all the possession and chances Man Utd had, its clear that they need a target man upfront or it could all end in tears. Who would have thought that the champions would have scored less goals than Michael Chopra after 3 games. What are the odds on Man Utd playing Plymouth in the Championship next season? Geovvani grabbed the only goal of the game after a deflection off Vidic left Van Der Sar with no chance. The highlight of the game came when Sir Alex thought Tevez had scored, the look on his face from jubilation to sadness was simply priceless. There is talk of Man Utd signing Anelka, and he could be the man to rescue their season, if not they could be out of the title race in August. Man City are looking impressive, I don’t think they are top four contenders, but they will be pushing for a European spot, and in Micah Richards, they have one of the best English talents I have seen, simply superb.

Blackburn 1 Arsenal 1

Jens Lemon produced another comical moment to deny Arsenal three points. I think his days are numbered as Arsenal’s number one, and this howler will go into the archives as one of the worst ever. Arsenal took the lead through Van Persie after a goal line scramble, but all his good work was undone by Lemon, who spilled a routine shot by David Dunn into his own net. Lemon has gone from being one of the best keepers in the world to a Zippos circus act, and if he continues like this we could be seeing the end of the comedy act that is Jens Lemon, similar to the end of Frasier or Friends, I know we all like a bit of comedy.

Fulham 1 Middlesbrough 2

Fulham lost two points thanks to another dreadful refereeing error. David Healy scored a legitimate goal, which was not given even though the goal keeper carried the ball over the line. The linesman somehow did not see it, thus costing Fulham two points. When the season is over, its moments like these that could be crucial, I think its time to introduce some sort of TV replay to make sure mistakes like this are not made in the future. There is a lot at stake in football these days, and to have the fate of games in the hands of one man just doesn’t make sense. But with Tony Warner in goal, Fulham should be pointing the finger at another man, truly disgraceful goalkeeping.

Tottenham 4 Derby 0

Tottenham lifted themselves off the bottom of the table with a comfortable 4-0 victory over Derby, and it was the usually useless Jenas who scored with a fine solo effort, with Malbranque grabbing a brace. Maybe all is not lost for Martin LOL (his new nickname until I can take him seriously again) and Bent also opened his account to pay much a fraction of the 16 million they paid for him. He still needs to buy effectively if Tottenham are going to get anywhere near that 4^th spot this season.

Reading 1 Everton 0

Reading continued their impressive start to the season by beating the pretenders Everton whilst Bolton look in big big trouble after losing 3-1 to Portsmouth. Sammy Lee could be the new favourite to get the sack, after three pointless games.

Newcastle 0 Aston Villa 0

There was a bore draw at St James Park between Newcastle and Aston Villa, with Steve Harper making sure the Geordies got a point. The game saw the return to action of Michael Owen who looked well off the boil. Whilst it was only his first game back, surely his best days are behind him. He is like a Peter North without a dick, he might as well just retire.

Wigan 3 Sunderland 0

Wigan routed a truly awful Sunderland at the JJB which momentarily sent them top of the league. Don’t be fooled though, they have only beaten Boro and the Black Cats at home and they will still be expected to struggle, although Jason Koumas looks as though he could be in for an excellent season.

West Ham 1 Birmingham 0

West Ham gained a narrow but deserved victory over Birmingham thanks to a Mark Noble penalty. Not much to report here but Steve Bruce was back to his moaning about the “big club Vs little club syndrome”. What a load of nonsense. Birmingham have a far bigger fan-base that the Hammers and since when have West Ham become a big club exactly? Shut up Steve and just admit that your team were garbage.

Luke Chadwick - The World's Ugliest Footballer...

You guys voted him the ugliest footballer ever, and I have to agree, he certainly isn’t the most attractive man in the world. He has a face that even his mother would struggle to love. When he was born his parents rolled his baby carriage down a hill in horror, similar to the penguin in Batman . It has been said that he looks like a ferret with acne, and I don’t think that description is far off. If you look on his Wikipedia entry, you will notice that they have refused to put up a picture of him, in fear of reducing internet traffic to their site. Norwich City are currently the club he plays for, and he was once a bright talent on Manchester United’s books, but I think Fergie deemed him far too ugly to play in a side with likes of Beckham and Giggs. He was once interviewed and asked what he would be doing if he wasn’t a footballer, to which he replied “I would be trying to lose my virginity”. Being a footballer is surely the only reason why a man like Luke Chadwick, could even get a woman to look at him, let alone have a “child” with him. Luke Chadwick you are officially the ugliest footballer ever.