Willy Wonka, Eddie Izzard and Magnificent Beards

Friday, 10 June 2016

As the self-described greatest football blog ever made, I appreciate that I should probably be providing some incisive analysis about the games being played on the pitch but I am going to ease in and instead first just elaborate my thoughts on the disastrous opening ceremony.

Things seemed to start off reasonably well, although Clive Tydesley probably wished that commentating on this sort of nonsense was not part of his job description, sounding like a thoroughly pissed off Terry Wogan at the Eurovision Song Contest (except without the late Irishman’s delicious irony).  You could almost hear him grimace as he commented on people dressed as giant lips….“they are famous for their kisses you know”. Poor bastard.

The music seemed reasonably on point with the Can Can and “La Vie en Rose” being blasted out on high and nothing seemed too worrying at this point. Then after a few more minutes I thought that I had dropped an E and been transported to the set of Charlie and the Charlie Factory, such was the madness that was going on in front my eyes.

Then, even more bizarrely, the organisers decided to wheel out a certain David Guetta who was prancing around and twiddling his knobs (watch it you filthy animals) as if he was closing out a set in Ibiza. I wasn't sure if he had arrived their unannounced as he looked completely out of place

Now, I appreciate the guy's enthusiasm but playing Black Eyed Peas and Akon?!? Really? Who on earth thought that would be a good idea?  I just wish he had gone the whole hog and blasted out “Sexy Bitch”, at least then we might have had some bikini clad women run out onto the pitch to help improve proceedings

Meanwhile, fresh his embarrassing performance on Question Time, Eddie Izzard was providing his football expertise within the ITV studios. Wait a minute..what’s that you say..it was Slaven Bilic?  Are you sure…? OK maybe that's just me then

Anyway, it's time for the bit you have all been waiting for. The match report!  Except that I can't be bothered any more to write a lot on this subject so I will stick to a brief summary instead

1) Payet really is the sh*t, if he continues to play like this he could be the standout performer for France. What a hit son
2) Giroud really does have a magnificent beard doesn't he?  (and also earnt me £11.50 so merci beaucoup Olivier!)
3) France probably won't win it if they keep defending like they have done tonight

Right, I'm off to catch up on Love Island. Just kidding obviously. Except I'm not

And last but not least..........Come on IN-GER-LAND!!!


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