Premiership Ups and Downs.......

Going Up......

The Gooners

The Gooners handed Derby another beating to extend their lead at the top of the Premiership. The Wengerboys (no, not that terrible Dutch pop group) were imperious as Derby were completely outclassed. Things were so comfortable that Arsenal were able to rest Van Persie and hand a start to Da Silva, who looks like the bastard child of Prince.

Fabregas continued his goalscoring streak and Adebayor bagged a hat-trick against the hapless Rams. Many people have said that the Togo international has benefited the most since the departure of Mr Va Va Voom. Whilst that may be true in a footballing sense I don’t think that anyone can deny that Adebayor’s celebrations just aren’t the same without him doing that slightly homosexual jig of delight. Surely there must be another person who can step into Henry’s shoes?

Mark Viduka

Mark Viduka bagged a brace as Newcastle took three points against the Hammers. There were rumours that Allarderci wanted to sign Heskey just to partner him with Owen but why bother when you already have Viduka? If Emile Heskey was a prototype then Viduka is the final product. All he needs to do is stop sharing the same diet plan as Fat Frank and he will be fine.

Portsmouth

Pompey gained a great win at Ewood and having faced Liverpool, Arsenal, and Man Utd already, their points total is not to be sniffed out. Fifty year old Kanu got the winner against a tired looking Blackburn to continue their good start to the season.

Going Down......

Avram Grant

Nothing that Mr Grant could do to stop Manchester United winning on Sunday but it remains unclear as to how long he will actually be able to manage Chelsea for. Could it be another case of Israel illegally occupying a territory? Doubt surrounds Grants position and surely he will not be lasting long in the Chelski hot seat.

Also, as you can see from the picture above, our boy Avram looks like a character out of Wind in the Willows, which is a very dubious honour.

Andy Johnson

The aptly named Johnson had another nightmare as his goal drought continued. After his midweek penalty missing antics, Johnson was substituted after another goal-less display. He is going through a bigger dry spell than me at the moment and you get the feeling he just needs any type of goal to get him going, even if it’s the dirtiest goal you can imagine. I could probably do with doing the same and bagging myself some dirty minger just to get my confidence up. After that I am sure both me and AJ will be back to their prolific best.

Antti Niemi

I wrote this article shortly after watching the film “The Departed”. The basic plotline in the film is about two undercover cops trying to suss if each other is rat. Well after watching Fulham take on Man City at the Cottage I think that Lawrie Sanchez should be checking to see if Niemi was working undercover for Man City. Niemi was at fault for all three of Man City’s goals, and its fair to say that there was a whiff of Bruce Grobelaar about his performance.

Rafa

Rafa Benitez reminds me of a thick student who is unable to complete his exams and has to keep repeating the year. He will just never learn. Rafas rotation policy could cost Liverpool the title but will he realise before it’s too late?

El Nino again found himself on the bench as Rafa decided to deploy a side with no pace up front. Liverpool toiled against a well organised Brum and had to make do with a point. Who knows the reasoning behind Benitez’s tactics but how many other top teams would you see leave their best striker on the bench? Rooney, Adebayor, Drogba? Course not. El Nino is a sprightly young chap, surely has can play almost every Premiership game? Torres is the man who has shown that he is the person to give Liverpool that extra dimension up front. As Alan Hansen would say, what are all defenders scared of? Pace

What would Birmingham rather defend against? Sloth from the Goonies (that’s Kuyt) and a pony tailed Porn Star? Or El Nino? Exactly

More importantly, does Rafa not know that I have Torres in my Fantasy Football Team and he is seriously damaging my chances of winning. Do us a favour Rafa, and bring back El Nino. And please get rid of that ridiculous goatee. It was funny at first but now it’s just pissing me off.

Grant Leadbitter & Stewart Downing

After slotting home an excellent opener for the Black Cats, Leadbitter went to try and do the trade mark slide on his knees only to get it hopelessly wrong. He then pretended to give the silencer to the home support. Get your celebration right next time you prat. I was glad when Lee Cattermole tried his best to pole axe him later on.

Stewart Downing slammed home an excellent goal before then committing a heinous crime by doing the Emile Heskey DJ celebration. Are things really that bad that footballer’s have to nick each others celebrations these days? Come on guys, let’s have some originality.

Sunil