Isaac's Random Rants....Short Wright-Phillips & Fat Sam

**Pictures are to scale**

Gary Coleman Out Jumps Joleon Lescott!!!

For my first rant on the blog, I thought I would start with an amusing tale of how a midget out jumped a fully grown man. Watching the Carling cup semi final between Chelsea and Everton, I could not believe my eyes, when I saw Everton throw away the match and in the last seconds of the game let half man, half Gary Coleman leap above Lescott to force an injury time winner.

Allow me to digress briefly and give you a little insight into the man that is Shawn Wright-Phillips. On a night out in London, I had an encounter with Mr Wright-Phillips in a popular London club called Embassy. Whilst in the Gents, doing what one does, I found myself standing next to a very small man at the urinal. To my shock, this small fellow happened to be Mr Wright Phillips. As he looked up to me and directly at my genitalia(giving you an insight into how tall he really is), we did the customary black man hello, which for those who do not know is simply a nod of the head. He then proceeded to say “I can’t stay here for much longer, some of us have work in the morning.” You can imagine the look on my face as I thought to myself, “I wish I could piss on your head, you short bastard.”

Now looking back at the Chelsea, Everton game you can understand my sheer disbelief at how Lescott allowed Wright-Phillips to not only out jump him, but to also intimidate him enough, so that he conceded an own goal, it wasn't exactly Drogba was it?

All I ask is that Lescott, never ever ever ever play for England again, because he is a coward. I don’t care if Wright Phillips has go go gadget legs, he is still half the man his father is, literally.

Here is a video of the embarrassing incident.

I've F*cked Up Al, Let's Leap Again........

The sacking of Sam Allardyce, has brought a timely reminder of how cruel the game of football can be, but who really cares, because his style of football at St James' Park was absolute shite. The departure of big Sam as manager of Newcastle has left me some what nostalgic. To this end I find myself reminded of another great Sam. Who? I hear you ask. Well, Sam Allardyce’s journey at Newcastle is similar to that of Sam Beckett. For those who are not old enough to remember, Sam Beckett was the lead character in the hit TV show Quantum leap. Sam Beckett would leap between parallel universes, each time hoping that the next leap would in fact be the leap home, meaning he would never have to leap again.

Now, Sam Allardyce made a quantum leap of his own, from Bolton to Newcastle, but unlike Sam Beckett, big Sam has been told to, f*ck off home!

This was one leap too far Sam, so imagine what would have happened if big Sam had been given the England job. Liken this to Sam Beckett leaping into a universe where he was a porn star with a 2 inch penis, and quite simply not qualified for the job at hand. The England job would have been something bigger than quantum, Sam's intergalactic black whole, huge space, heaven like leap. Thankfully we didn't have to experience this, so lets all congratulate the wonderful and insanely fickle folks at Newcastle for showing us something that we all knew. Sadly, somewhere in a parallel universe he is England manager, but there is no Al to get him the f*ck out of there.

Thank your lucky stars English nation, for not rolling snake eyes, with a very dodgy Dyce.

Till next time, Isaac out.

P.s for those who are wondering what happened to Sam Beckett, the answer is he is currently managing Chelsea football club.