Ups & Downs...

A few weeks ago, I posted an article saying that I was disillusioned with football and that I had lost all faith in it. Well fast forward a few weeks and its safe to say that I am back in love with The Beautiful Game. And of course, this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my team has a great chance of winning the FA Cup ;-) . Here are the latest Premiership and FA Cup Ups & Downs.

Going Up

Barnsley
Although many people could argue that Barnsley's win over Liverpool was slightly fortunate, I don't think that anybody who witness Saturday's performance could argue that they ran out worthy winners against Chelski. Well, unless they are Alex Ferguson and Carlos Queiroz, but we will come back to that later.

Using a simple tactic of whacking the ball up to Odejayi of Barnsley, Avram Grant was hopelessly outwitted by his Barnsley counterpart Simon Davey as the Championship side turned over last season's winners. I am not entirely sure why Odejayi is not playing basketball rather than football but his massive presence made sure that Terry and Riccy C had one of their worst experiences in recent years as they were bullied off the ball left, right and centre.

Barnsley created plenty of chances and there was some heroic defending in the final stages. If the CIA needs any new bodyguards then perhaps they should employ the whole Barnsley team because these guys would have thrown themselves in front of a speeding bullet if they had to.

I don't think anyone can argue that these guys deserve to win the Cup after knocking out two of the big 4 in such spectacular fashion.

Portsmouth
Going to Old Trafford is never easy and Pompey had to ride their luck in sometimes ridiculous circumstances before securing a win which suggests that their name might just be on the cup this year.

How on earth Distin cleared that ball of the line I am not entirely sure and the winner was created in rather comical fashion as Rooney and Anderson were left as the last 2 defenders in an attempt to stop Baros breaking clear. Sulley Muntari showed that his balls were as big as the power of his shot as he lashed the ball past Rio Ferdinand to hand Pompey victory. I can think of many places that Rio would rather have been then standing in the line of fire of Muntari, with the obvious contender him being on Facebook organising one of his legendary Roast Parties. He may as well have been actually as Muntari ripped the ball past him to silence Old Trafford.

West Brom
The final scoreline of 5-1 was a touch flattering but don't write of the Baggies for the Cup this year. Though their defence is suspect to stay the least, they have awesome goalpower as demonstrates at the Memorial Ground. Ishmael Miller was the pick of the players for the Baggies with an excellent hat-trick. West Brom will be hoping for a better trip to Wembley than last time where they lost to Derby in the play off final. How the fuck they lost that day is one of life's greatest mysteries along with who shot JFK and how on earth Michael Jackson's kids are white. Answers on a postcard please.

Torres and Gerrard
I think that these two might have some kind of Dwight and Andy thing going on because the way they combined against Newcastle was simply irresistable. Many people say that Liverpool used to be a one man team but now they are definitely a two man team as the Torres-Gerrard axis tore Newcastle to shreds. The Reds are in fine fettle at the moment as they continue to steam forward with their traditional excellent form after Christmas. Who knows, perhaps its something to do with that much criticised rotation policy...?

Going Down

Alex Ferguson and Carlos Querioz
I have generally hidden my disgust at all things Manchester United in recent seasons, whether it be the ridiculous timekeeping, the amount of filthy winners they used to get back in the day or Ferguson's constant whinging and moaning. However, my feelings have died down in recent years as a result of Fergie mellowing out and United being one of the best footballing sides in the country. That and the fact I have a load of their players in my Dream Team.

Anyway, Ferguson and Querioz brought back memories of the good old days with their quite ridiculous criticism of the referee Martin Atkinson during Saturday's defeat against Portsmouth. As far as I could see, the ref only got two things wrong on Saturday. One was not awarding Ronaldo a penno after being body checked by Distin. The only other error I could see that he made was possibly not sending off Wayne Rooney after he launched himself at Nico Kranjcar (who was to have the last laugh). For a hysteric Querioz to say that the referee should himself have been sent off was simply hilarious, but for him to say that Pompey's Diarra's tackling was akin to Taylor's leg breaker on Eduardo was simply disgraceful. Lets get some perspective here, Eduardo nearly lost his foot whilst Ronaldo was simply pushed over a few times and the only thing he would have got damaged was his haircut. (talking of which, what exactly does he put in there? Fergie's spunk?).

All in all it was hilarious to see Man Utd blow a catlaogue of chances and then end up with Rio Ferdinand getting merked by Sulley Muntari in the dying minutes.

Middlesborough
When your own manager admits that you froze on the big occasion at home against a team in the lower half of the Championship then you know that you have balls like cashew buts. Boro were outlclassed in every department as they were embarrassed in front of their own support and live on National Television. The last time I saw a performance that bad was when I watched John Travolta in Battlestar Galactica (just for the record, I didn't actually see that film , but you get the gist).

Wigan's Pitch
Allowing a town to play rugby and football on the same pitch? In this day and age? The same for both sides it may be but this pitch could be the deciding factor in Wigan staying up as it really is a leveller of prodigious proportions.

West Ham and Alan Curbishley
Losing 4-0 in three successive games is pretty shambolic no matter who the opposition as the Hammers remain firmly lodged in mid-table. Alan Curbishley looks set to continue his not so envious record of having a terrible 2nd half of the season whichever his club may be at. Perhaps they should get 2 managers, one for each half of the season. Worse still was the sight of Dean Ashton looking like Mido up front. i.e fat, slow and rubbish

Avram Grant
For Avram Grant read Ronaldo and Thierry Henry i.e big game bottler. The Israeli looks like a dead man walking at the moment (literally) and surely the writing is on the wall. His team looked disinterested, lacking fight (unless Terry is rucking with Ten Cate) and surprisingly short on quality as Luke Steele didn't have to make save of note during the whole game. I think its fair to say that we won't be seeing this miserable fucker on our screens next year. Jose must be loving it at the moment.

Mark Bright
Is this guy Garth Crooks in disguise? Get this clown off the TV. Another waste of licence money methinks.

Phil Bardsley

A truly disgusting tackle to prove that 90% of footballers are as thick as shit after everything that has happened in recent weeks. How he didn't break Fernandes' leg is a mystery really.

Sunil

An extract from Torres' autobiography.....

Even as a Liverpool fan I thought this was kinda funny, this was stolen mercilessly from the bbc message boards. Enjoy


"Flying into Manchester airport for the signing was one of the most exciting days of my career. The limo transferring me took a while longer to reach the ground than I expected but once there I was greeted by a sea of red. The chanting and atmosphere were brilliant and it all passed by in a blur.

Once inside the ground I was greeted by the manager, the first time we had met face to face. He was a lot heavier than I expected but spoke to me in good Spanish which made me feel most welcome. We went straight into a conference room for the official signing.

After I had put pen to paper the manager turned to me and said "Welcome to the biggest club in the World".

I said thank you and asked "When will I meet Wayne and Cristiano"?

There followed about ten minutes of confusion from which it transpired that there are two clubs in the North West of England known as the "Reds" and my idiot agent had got them mixed up.

However I had signed so had to get on with it. Benitez was known as the "Gaffer". I asked Stevie G (the only other player at the club who could control the ball) why this was.

He explained that in English "gaffe" is an embarassing mistake. Apparently even the owners called Rafa "gaffer".

All I can do now is play really well and hope that Real, Barca or possibly Barnsley come and save me from my nightmare.

Some days after training I drive from Liverpool to Manchester and sit outside Old Trafford and dream of what might have been. I can sit there for hours.

Then Stevie will nudge me and say "Come on Nando, we have to go back".

We drive silently back to the gaffer.


Taken from "How did I get here?" by Fernando Torres.

Who's Worse....Alan Smith or Emmanuel Eboue?

I write this article as I watch Emmanuel Eboue miss a golden chance to put Arsenal ahead in the San Siro. By the time I get to the end of this article we will find out if this miss was to ultimately prove crucial.

Watching the terrible miss made me realise what a shambolic player this guy is. He can't cross, he can't tackle and he sure as hell can't shoot. And aside from that he is one of the most despicable characters in the game, with his play acting tactics, his filthy tackles and his insistence of trying to get opposition players booked by waving an imaginary card. I am sat here thinking, he surely in total is one of the most horrible footballers in the modern game?

But then I thought, hold on what about a certain Yorkshire cunt-head called Alan Smith, currently plying his trade at Newcastle. To be fair to Smithers, he did show some early promise at Leeds United under David O' Leary and many people seemed to revel in his "never say die attitude". However, I personally thought that Alan Smith was a filthy bastard, always flying late into tackles and winding up the opposition for no apparent reason other than to try and get them embroiled in a fight.

Smith cried when Leeds got relegated from the Premiership but those tears were quickly wiped away I am sure when he joined the team Leeds hate more than anyone, Manchester United. His Judas stature in Leeds folklore was secure.

Smith's tenure at Man Utd started off pretty well but soon descended into mediocrity as Fergie, realising that Smudger was a shit striker, attempted to deploy him as a midfielder, with equally disastrous results. Fergie's attempts to turn him into the next Roy Keane turned out to be as effective as turning Hurley from Lost into a supermodel.

Smith broke his leg against Liverpool and during this spell on the sidelines he scored as many goals as if he would have been playing. None.

In the summer, Smith moved to Newcastle for a whopping £6m, despite only 7 goals in 61 games for Man United, a truly terrible record for a striker. That's almost a worse scoring record than me (almost).

However, Smith has tried to excel himself in his ineptitude by scoring no goals for Newcastle so far. It is actually true that if you stuck a monkey up front then they couldn't have a worse record. In fact, why not just play with 10 men. Add to this the fact that he is still a thug and the only thing Smith can be proud of is that he once banged Gemma Atkinson, though having heard her sex-ploits, she probably has a pussy like a wizard's sleeve (or clown's pocket, take your pick).

Rumour has it that Smith also has an IQ of 88, a score so low I didn't know it existed.

So who would you rather not have in your team, Smith or Eboue? As the guy from Blind Date would say, the choice is yours

Sunil

P.S As I write this Adebayor has just secured a 2-0 win meaning that Eboue's howler was not punished.

P.P.S Even as a closet Gooner, I wish people would stop going on about this "team spirit". That term is something only used when teams win isn't it, where does it go when team's lose eh? So shut the hell up about it.

2 Angry Men......

I agree with you all that what Gallas did was petulant and a poor show, but I didn't deny that. My point was that Cahill was a pussy if he was crying when he celebrated his goal, and would normally get the piss ripped put of him. Instead its alright cause he showed some emotion.

Im sorry but losing a family member to 6 years in prison >>>>>>>>> losing 2 points in the premiership. Those are the facts, if he is a pussy for crying over this what the hell does that make William Gallas?


Gallas had spent the week consoling Bacary Sagna who's brother had died unexpectedly. He had then seen one of his teammates get his leg broken in two. Following all of that he had then seen his team draw the game due to a potentially dodgy decision in the last seconds of a tense game. Its not meant to be a sob story, but what I'm getting it is...hey, the guy showed some emotion when there was a lot going on. Shit happens.


This seems a little ridiculous, im sure Bacary has family that can console him, I think you are taking the idea of captain abit too far here, his leadership is on the pitch. I seriously doubt that Bacary needs a father figure like Gallas to look after him, im guessing he went back home to be with his family. I know Arsenal fans like to laud the family like atmosphere but i think thats taking it a bit too far. Next you will be telling me that they all have Sunday lunch together and babysit each others kids. Yes there was alot going on but seriously it wasn't the worse thing to ever happen on a football pitch, but that was probably one of the worst reactions.


But saying all that whilst I understand his reasons I do still he should have sucked it and been more of a captain. But I do think some of the reaction to it has been as OTT as his own.

I agree.

As to the whole Eduardo thing, I'm not quite sure why people think Arsenal fans are acting as if he died. I personally am sad for one of our players being injured, and wish him well. If others are taking that too far and 'grieving' then it seems to me to be a minority. But I don't see why that should really bother other fans. If a player on your team got his leg cracked like you'd all think that's a bitch, good luck to him getting back, and maybe even sing his name at a game. Haven't we been saying recently how crap supporters are for not connecting with players and vice versa?

You are not sure why? Seriously? I think sane Arsenal fans like you Jockstrap, need to realise that are alot of myopic and deluded fans too. The grieving and hypocrisy has been around for all to see, he has received over 25000 get well messages, is that not a bit excessive. Cisse broke both his legs, can you even recall what kind of reaction there was? It was a shame and all us Liverpool fans moved on even though we are labeled with the "minutes silence" mourning mentality. This Eduardo incident is just another bad injury, which he will recover from. This is not another David Busst, So why does it seems like it?

Maybe its because of all the death threat bollocks, but I think that's been blown well out of proportion. Most of it seems to be sad internet warriors blowing off steam, and croatian fans who had a decent chance at the Euro's before this.

I seriously doubt this, yes Croation fans are pissed, but you will find that its precious Arsenal fans who have created the monster that is the anti Taylor sentiment, all starting from the great example Wenger set.....

As to Wenger pissing people off...I could care less. We constantly listen to Alex Ferguson spouting shit and its just the way it is. Besides the reason you hear more than when we're not competing is because the media is more interested in the team and has papers to sell. I don't many managers actually arrange press conferences to give their views on the footballing world.

Ferguson does not spout nearly as much shit as Wenger does, he is the master of bullshit. Yes he retracted his statement about Taylor, but why do you think he did so? It wasn't because he genuinely regretted what he said, it was because his media advisors told him to retract it or face another FA charge. He stinks of hypocrisy, literally reeks of it. The challenges by Flamini, Eduardo himself and Gallas against Man Utd in the cup were just as disgraceful as most challenges I have seen this season. What were Wenger's comments about these? Has he ever once come out to apologise for the behaviour of players such as the incredulous Eboue? Let he has the cheek to call for Taylor to be banned, if so then Eboue should be beheaded.


Oh well...that's my rant over. Personally I think the team is in the middle of probably choking, but I don't think its the team's mentality that's the problem, but not having a strong enough squad. Also Man U are just a much much better team than us at the moment. For the money we've spent (rightly or wrongly) we're not doing to bad for ourselves, and if we don't win it, which I've always doubted we will, then we've had a good season and a much better one than was predicted by everyone. And if we do win it y'all can kiss my arse!! :-)


This sounds like another "small club punching above its weight" excuse that I've been hearing for years and years. If you win it, its because you have had 5 years to nurture a group of young players forsaking any success within that time, now they are maturing. Arsenal are the only club who can afford to do that, it wasnt long ago when I heard Arsenal fans calling for Wengers head, but only now they have realised he was building something. So don't make excuses, about your squad not being strong enough because that simply isn't true. If you win it I will give respect where respect is due, but I for one hope that it doesn't happen, because I simply could not bare a summer of newly bought Arsenal shirts floating around my house. Rant Over, as you can tell I am not the biggest Arsenal fan.

Cult Heroes.....Djimi Traore

I was chatting to my friend Saran the other day when a conversation cropped up about this month's Goal of the Month competition. It was in reference to Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink's screamer against Wolves in the FA Cup, where he rolled back the years with a sublime dummy. "That guy is a legend" we both agreed.

That got me thinking of how many other legendary Jimmy's there were. Jimmy Bullard, a constant figure of fun, Jim Rosenthal, the brilliant ITV presenter and of course Jim "here is what you could have won " Bowen, former presenter of Bullseye.

Below is a video of the hilarious Bullard



Anyway, as much as a legend that Jimmy Bullard is, there is truly one Jimmy that can hold Cult Hero status, and that man is , you guessed it, Jimmy with a D, Djimi Traore.

Traore is one of life's great conundrums. A bit like Brigitte Nielsen, you sometimes wonder what on earth they were put on this planet for, but ultimately you can't take your eyes of them. Djimi was signed by Monsieur Houllier during his time on Merseyside for a mere £500,000.

Djimi didn't really flourish during this time and found his first team chances fairly limited and when he did play he hardly inspired any sort of confidence, defending with all the nouse of a 18 year old smacked off his tits on heroine.

Things got that bad that Everton nearly signed him during Houllier's last season in charge, but thankfully for Liverpool fans, this move didn't materialise. The lowest point in Traore's ill fated career was in the FA Cup Clash against Burnley where he somehow managed to perform the Zidane drag back in spectacular fashion. Unfortunately for him, it was in his own 6 yard box and the hilarious own goal sent Liverpool tumbling out the cup. The words Bambi on Ice don't come even close in trying to describe the debacle.



However, like all Cult Heroes, Djimi showed that he had the cojones when it mattered and months later performed heroically in the Champions League Victory against Milan in Istanbul. His goal-line clearance from Sheva just made you know at the time that it was destined to be Liverpool's night. So Traore has now gone down in history as possibly the worst ever player ever to win a Champions League Medal. However, my friend Saran has confirmed that his honour falls to David May, which I don't think many people can really argue with.

His ineptiude is probably best summed by this chant spawned by the Kop to the tune of The Jacksons and "Blame It On The Boogie"

Dont blame it on Hamann
Dont blame it on Biscan
Dont blame it on Finnan.
Blame it on Traore!
He just cant,he just cant, he just cant control his feet!

Here is a clip of Djimi's only Liverpool goal, just to show that he can actually play a bit.




Djimi Traore....WE SALUTE YOU!


Sunil

My Weekend Football Rants......

Have Arsenal blown it?

After the most ludicrously crass and irritating Eduardo(RIP) saga, Gallas' wetting his pampers with his childish petulant strop and Man Utd literally breathing down Arsenals necks, you have to start wondering whether Arsenal's "kids" can hold their nerve and win the title. From my observations they were very fortunate to win the match against Villa and the animosity between Adebayor and Bentdner is clear for everyone to see. Wenger believes that they don't need to get along to coexist in the side, and he probably has a point, but we all know how well a strike partnership can work when you are more than just friends, just ask Dwight and Andy. Man Utd have as much experience in the position as Jenna Jameson has doing doggy style, so this probably makes them the favourites, and lets not forget Chelsea who are a footballing cyborg motoring through all their games with no remorse and care for the women and children of this world. Its going to be tighter than a.............. I think ill just stop there with the dirty analogies.

Hypocrisy?

Where will it end? Some Villa fans were removed from the Emirates for singing songs aimed at Eduardo. Personally I think its awful, but can we have some consistency from Arsenal fans who have rung me up to complain about all this over the weekend. Was it not Arsenal fans singing songs about Auschwitz in recent games? Or haven't missed the point that the apparent murder of one footballer on the pitch is worse than the deaths of 6 million Jews? Lets have some perspective please.

Is there anything more hilarious than the whole Newcastle debacle?

As we cleverly and expertly predicted(not exactly rocket science), Newcastle are an absolute and utter shambles of a team at the moment under the leadership of teh great King Kev. Keegan is not necessarily to blame, he has inherited a mangled squad, which is a Frankenstein-esque creation of Mike Ashley and Big Sam. The defence is non existent, just how much space was Matt Derbyshire afforded for his last minute winner? What more needs to be said about Michael "I want to win trophies" Owen? His career has taken a spectacular nose dive and it couldn't have happened to a nicer man. Hopefully he can reignite his career as the best striker in the championship. Newcastle probably need to win 3 more games to be safe, and reach that magical 40 points mark, it probably will happen, but the hilarity of seeing them even in contention of relegation after seeing some people i know drop their life savings on Newcastle to be the top team outside of the top 4 is simply priceless. Just to top it off, the Pedersen and Bai altercation was probably the pinnacle of my weekend TV viewing, simply hilarious. Who needs only fools and horses when you can just sit in St James park on a Saturday afternoon.

So, what was with the emotional Tim Cahill you might ask?

well, Tim Cahill's brother was jailed for 6 years for partially blinding someone, which was the reason for the handcuffs celebration and crying when he scored. Misguided? maybe. But surely footballers are human, they have emotions too, so lets give the guy a break. Some of the typical overreacting to the incident has been a little bit OTT.

Who will get 4th spot?

Everton look good, this is a fact that cant be denied. The Yak is in sparkling form at the moment and they have a decent squad too. Villa look decent also and were unlucky not to win at the Emirates on the weekend, whilst Liverpool are just starting to pick up some form after a truly awful premiership season. Lets get one thing straight, Everton will not be playing champions league football next year, and if they did they would simply embarrass the nation like they did last time. The people that believe they will make that 4th spot are the ones who would love to see Liverpool out of the competition they always seem to do well in. All my mathematical modelling calculations have led to the same outcome, which has Liverpool in 4th and Everton in 5th, lol. Well I hope I'm right and these comments don't come back to haunt me. If you have time on your hands head over to the BBC game predictor thing, yo will probably come out with the same outcome.

Frank Lampard.

Why do all the west ham fans love Joe Cole but hate Frank Lampard? Well I think its quite simple really. One is a very talented and humble footballer whilst the other is an overweight lump of uselessness, yes I know im being harsh, but hey thats my prerogative. Nothing gave me more glee than to see him get sent off for his stupid petulant reaction to Boa Morte, although seeing mouth to Boa Morte that "You're a C*nt" was quite hilarious.

Has Avram grown some balls or has Ten Cate completely taken over now at Chelsea?

Leaving out 2 of the world's best players takes some guile, I don't think many teams in world football could afford to drop Essien and Drobga. Maybe he is saving them for the champions league, using a rotation system that only one man in the Premiership seems to get vilified for. Hmmmmm

When will they ban Makalele for life?

His tackle on Faubert was simply horrifying, life threatening, riot inducing and may even have been the cause of the black death. He could have sent him to the morgue to lay in rest with Eduardo. Will justice prevail?

Van Persie or Van Porcelain?

Apparently this man isn't actually dead and could feature against Milan, can anyone confirm this? If he is fit, how long until he's broken again?

How well has Al Fayed done?

He has almost turned Fulham into the Man united of the south. Good work man, now enjoy the championship.

My Thoughts On Teddy Sheringham.

Great payer who had a great career, and was fortunate enough to be banging 20 yr olds when he was in his 40s, probably the best headerer(sic?) of the ball in recent times, simply superb. Unfortunately I take back all my praise for him because he is an utter bellend, and anyone who has met him in real life like I have, will agree with me.

Will Fergie ever stop Felating Benzema?

We know what you are up to Sir Alex, please stop it, its not amusing and hes only 20 years old.

David Beckhams Condoms.....

Is there anything that this man won't brand? Seriously, where do we draw the line? He has branded some Chinese condoms with some hilarious tag lines and photos to go with them.

Bedroom eye? What the hell is that? Why have they chosen such a ridiculous picture to put on the packaging? What the hell is the world coming too? "Now with less lead and toxins", I don't know about you, but I don't want any lead and toxins near my private parts.

Nothing much to say here really, I think the picture tells the whole story. Can the marketing manager of this condom brand please give me a call, we need to have a serious conversation.