Cult Heroes……Part 3

If you were to compile an all time Worst Players XI, then Francis Benali would probably be one of the first names on the teamsheet, although Kieran Richardson might give him a run for his money on his current form. So what makes Francis a Cult Hero?

Well in today’s money grabbing, mercenary football world where players change teams faster than Callum Best changes his women, Benali had that one thing which most football fans love above anything else. Loyalty

Apart from the odd loan spell, Benali spent his almost whole career at Southampton racking up over 350 appearances for the Saints. Granted, the reason he stayed so long at the Saints is because he was too shit to sign for everyone else, but that would be missing the point as Benali is the sort of player for whom the term “stalwart” fitted perfectly.

Benali couldn’t defend, could barely tackle, had no pace and couldn’t cross to save his life. Added to that his spectacular ability to score own goals and its still a mystery how he managed to become a Saints regular but I am sure he wasn’t complaining.

Benali’s inability to tackle would normally end in disaster and he regularly got on the wrong side of officials, receiving an incredible 11 red cards. His tackling was worse than that of the ginger ninja Paul Scholes. However, seeing as his position was a defender this presented a bit of a concern as it would generally be considered to be an essential part of his role. I suppose it’s a bit like applying to be a porn star and then telling the director you only have a one inch cock. You really should just be doing something else.

Benali was a shrewd man though, and in the days where footballers actually had a job after their career he joined a business venture in helping to run an Indian restaurant. It’s a shame that Benali wasn’t capable of the devastating runs that his curries were producing.

He notched just one goal during his long and not so distinguished career. A truly shocking figure but still more than that other legend, Rob Jones. Benali was also a member of the football’s dodgy moustache club which meant he looked a touch like the bastard child of Tom Selleck and Freddie Mercury. Thankfully, he had the intelligence later in his career to shave it off.

Francis Benali…………WE SALUTE YOU!!!

Sunil

***Roast Watch***

Ok, this may not be an article about a full on John Terry/Kieron Dyer spit roast but there is no denying that Reading centre forward Leroy Lita has been caught with his pants down. Literally.

As reported in the News of the World

"FOOTBALL idol Leroy Lita played dirty when he filmed himself having sex with a mystery girl—then sent the video to his team-mates.

The Reading and England under-21 striker clearly reckoned he was giving a man-of-the-match performance as he captured the sex session on his mobile.

But after he Bluetoothed the sordid film to pals at Reading, it got passed on and has now reached clubs across the country, including Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal."

Good work Leroy. Apparently Leroy's display lasted a mere 1 minute and 53 seconds in total, significantly shorter than the time he normally puts in a substitute appearance for the Royals. As we all know though, it only takes a second to score though, so fair play to the lad.

Perhaps more concerning were Steve Coppell's comments as reported in the Daily Telegraph

"I don't know the ins and outs"

With all due respect Steve, I don't think its hard to figure out the exact details on this one. I could come up with a million more puns about scoring, finishing in the box, great performance etc , but I can't be bothered so I will leave that to you......

Sunil

Some people never get tired of laughing at spurs, and this rendition of "I will survive" is hilarious. Poor poor Martin Jol, how much more of this can he take?

I Will Survive - By Martin Jol

First I was afraid, I was petrified, Kept thinking I could never turn Spurs into a top 4 side

But I spent oh so many nights thinking how Staltari did me wrong, Perhaps I'm wrong??, but I'll just have to carry on and we'll be back, into 5th place..

I'll just wait till the transfer window to sign another waste of space, I should have sold Paul Robinson, I should have dropped him from the team, If I had known for just one second he'd concede more goals than Derby Coun-ty,

Go on now go, Bent, there's the door, Just turn around now, 'cause you don't score goals anymore, weren't you the one that cost more than Thierry Henry, I knew you'd crumble, I'd rather have Emile Hes-key....

Oh no cause I, I will survive, as long as I win the next 6 games I know I will stay alive, I've got Tainio who is shat, & Huddlestone who's just fat, but I'll survive.... I will survive…

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart, kept trying hard to mend Defoe's relationship with his little tart

And I spent oh so many nights trying on John Barnes' tights

And oh I've cried, I want the Spurs job till I die!

And you see Keane, he hates me too I subbed him off when we were winning, then we went and ****ing drew! And now Im scratching my big chin, why can't I just sell Ledley King? If I'm gonna save my skin, I'll need some politics style Spin!!

When It Rains It Pours....

Avram Grant might look like a strange human being, but to add further embarrassment to the Chelsea plight, its seems as if his wife is a bit of a mentalist.

This is a picture of his wife drinking her own urine on live television. No Joke! lol


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=483489&in_page_id=1879

Premiership Ups and Downs.......

Going Up......

The Gooners

The Gooners handed Derby another beating to extend their lead at the top of the Premiership. The Wengerboys (no, not that terrible Dutch pop group) were imperious as Derby were completely outclassed. Things were so comfortable that Arsenal were able to rest Van Persie and hand a start to Da Silva, who looks like the bastard child of Prince.

Fabregas continued his goalscoring streak and Adebayor bagged a hat-trick against the hapless Rams. Many people have said that the Togo international has benefited the most since the departure of Mr Va Va Voom. Whilst that may be true in a footballing sense I don’t think that anyone can deny that Adebayor’s celebrations just aren’t the same without him doing that slightly homosexual jig of delight. Surely there must be another person who can step into Henry’s shoes?

Mark Viduka

Mark Viduka bagged a brace as Newcastle took three points against the Hammers. There were rumours that Allarderci wanted to sign Heskey just to partner him with Owen but why bother when you already have Viduka? If Emile Heskey was a prototype then Viduka is the final product. All he needs to do is stop sharing the same diet plan as Fat Frank and he will be fine.

Portsmouth

Pompey gained a great win at Ewood and having faced Liverpool, Arsenal, and Man Utd already, their points total is not to be sniffed out. Fifty year old Kanu got the winner against a tired looking Blackburn to continue their good start to the season.

Going Down......

Avram Grant

Nothing that Mr Grant could do to stop Manchester United winning on Sunday but it remains unclear as to how long he will actually be able to manage Chelsea for. Could it be another case of Israel illegally occupying a territory? Doubt surrounds Grants position and surely he will not be lasting long in the Chelski hot seat.

Also, as you can see from the picture above, our boy Avram looks like a character out of Wind in the Willows, which is a very dubious honour.

Andy Johnson

The aptly named Johnson had another nightmare as his goal drought continued. After his midweek penalty missing antics, Johnson was substituted after another goal-less display. He is going through a bigger dry spell than me at the moment and you get the feeling he just needs any type of goal to get him going, even if it’s the dirtiest goal you can imagine. I could probably do with doing the same and bagging myself some dirty minger just to get my confidence up. After that I am sure both me and AJ will be back to their prolific best.

Antti Niemi

I wrote this article shortly after watching the film “The Departed”. The basic plotline in the film is about two undercover cops trying to suss if each other is rat. Well after watching Fulham take on Man City at the Cottage I think that Lawrie Sanchez should be checking to see if Niemi was working undercover for Man City. Niemi was at fault for all three of Man City’s goals, and its fair to say that there was a whiff of Bruce Grobelaar about his performance.

Rafa

Rafa Benitez reminds me of a thick student who is unable to complete his exams and has to keep repeating the year. He will just never learn. Rafas rotation policy could cost Liverpool the title but will he realise before it’s too late?

El Nino again found himself on the bench as Rafa decided to deploy a side with no pace up front. Liverpool toiled against a well organised Brum and had to make do with a point. Who knows the reasoning behind Benitez’s tactics but how many other top teams would you see leave their best striker on the bench? Rooney, Adebayor, Drogba? Course not. El Nino is a sprightly young chap, surely has can play almost every Premiership game? Torres is the man who has shown that he is the person to give Liverpool that extra dimension up front. As Alan Hansen would say, what are all defenders scared of? Pace

What would Birmingham rather defend against? Sloth from the Goonies (that’s Kuyt) and a pony tailed Porn Star? Or El Nino? Exactly

More importantly, does Rafa not know that I have Torres in my Fantasy Football Team and he is seriously damaging my chances of winning. Do us a favour Rafa, and bring back El Nino. And please get rid of that ridiculous goatee. It was funny at first but now it’s just pissing me off.

Grant Leadbitter & Stewart Downing

After slotting home an excellent opener for the Black Cats, Leadbitter went to try and do the trade mark slide on his knees only to get it hopelessly wrong. He then pretended to give the silencer to the home support. Get your celebration right next time you prat. I was glad when Lee Cattermole tried his best to pole axe him later on.

Stewart Downing slammed home an excellent goal before then committing a heinous crime by doing the Emile Heskey DJ celebration. Are things really that bad that footballer’s have to nick each others celebrations these days? Come on guys, let’s have some originality.

Sunil

An Apology........

Alright guys, sorry for the lack of updates over the last couple of weeks. This has been due to circumstances beyond our control. But don't worry, we will be back up to speed as soon as possible. Remember, if you would like to contribute to our site then get in touch at on-the-bench@hotmail.co.uk

Premiership Ups and Downs

Going Up……

Arsenal, Fabregas & Adebayor

Arsenal leapt to the top of the Premiership with another win against poor Spurs. Fabregas has suddenly turned into a goalscoring machine, is this the season that he finally realises his undeniable talent? Arsenal are back to the top of the table for the first time in 3 years, its early days but I feel that Arsenal have a team spirit unrivalled by any other team, and this could make them title challengers. Adebayor has been ridiculed for years as a poor man’s Kanu, has been given nicknames such as Adebaypoor or Adebaycantscore, but no one can deny that his second goal on Saturday was one that even the great Thierry Henry himself would be proud of, absolutely brilliant. Regardless of the fact that Martin Jol continued his best Santa Claus routine, Arsenal took their chances and with some relatively easy fixtures coming up, it looks like Arsenal will be on top like a Dutch prostitute for a few more months to come.

Manchester United & Wayne Rooney

Attacking a pensioner is never a good thing, but I’m sure the win against Everton, helped Fergie recover from the shin injuries he incurred. A few weeks ago many people were suggesting that the Champions were out of the title race. Fast forward a few weeks, and guess what? Man Utd were back on top of the table, after a Vidic header fortunately grabbed 3 points at Goodison Park, albeit for only a few hours but they are well and truly back in the hunt. With Wayne Rooney back from injury (with his wolverine-esque healing powers), Ronaldo back from suspension and Saha(Man Utd’s most important player) back off the treatment table, I think Man Utd will now go on to sustain a very serious title challenge. The clash with Chelsea next week will tell us a lot about what shape they are in.

West Ham, “Can’t Control” & Dean Ashton

West ham jumped up to 5^th in the table with a 3-0 win over Middlesbrough. West Ham were relatively poor in the first half, but a rousing team talk from Curbishley and the introduction of Carlton Cole aka “Can’t Control” was decisive as he set up 2 of the goals. It was good to see he had not lost his ineptness in front of goal, when he missed a sitter, but his influence on the game was clear to see. Dean Ashton finally got his goal, after an entire year ruled out through injury, its good to see England’s future great striker back on the scoresheet. Scarily enough, West Ham will lie within the Champions League places if they win their game in hand, a far cry from the relegation zone which they often frequented last season.

Sunderland & Kenwynne Jones

Sunderland grabbed a much needed 2-1 win against Reading, with Kenwynne Jones proving he is worth every penny they spent on him with a superb display. He caused all sorts of problems, and with him in the team maybe Sunderland can better the worst ever Premiership points total they achieved when they were last in the Premiership.

Reina

Quite simply the best penalty saver in world football right now.

Going Down…..

Tuncay

As impressive as Wet Ham were, if Tuncay knew where the goal was he might have had a hat-trick, someone get this man a map of the football pitch.

Heskey

Poor poor Emile, after impressing for England and basically cementing his place in the England squad as Michael Owen’s slave, he then breaks his foot and is ruled out for 6 weeks or more. He will probably miss the next few qualifiers, and I’m sure Rooney will be back to gobble up his place. Sadly we may never see Emile “ The Handful” Heskey in an England squad again.

Spurs, Jol and Darren Bent

Where do I start? Now, as good as Arsenal have been this season, no one can deny that Spurs really should have won this game or got a draw at least. I’m finding it very difficult to understand how one team can have so many chances and simply not score. Berbatov, Keane and Bent both had opportunities to put the game to bed, but simply couldn’t do it. Bent cost 16.5 million, but his attempt at a left foot finish reminded me of someone trying to hit a football with a golf club. Lets be honest here, to lose a North London derby at home is bad enough, but to lose it in such a manner is unforgivable. Martin Jol’s position as manager this season will last as long as Sunil’s first sexual experience. Fact. We all know that Martin Jol doesn’t know how to hold on to a lead, maybe he needs some advice from David Blunkett.

Liverpool, Rafa & Peter Crouch

Rafa Rafa Rafa, what were you thinking? How could you go to Fratton Park and rest 5 of your best players? Yes they were on international duty, and may be tired, but the team Liverpool put out against Portsmouth simply didn’t have the pace and quality to win that game. Fratton Park is one of the hardest places to go in the Premiership, so resting Mascherano, Kuyt, Babel, Gerrard and Torres is plain suicide. This squad is good, but not that good and if Portsmouth knew how to finish, Liverpool would have lost this game. Peter Crouch had a nightmare performance and looks like a man in disarray, but I’m guessing losing your place in the national side to Emile Heskey can be a big blow to a man’s confidence. Makes me wanna rehash my “elephant man stealing your girlfriend” analogy, ok maybe I wont. Peter Crouch is an excellent player, but at this rate I think he will struggle to play much football this season.

Bolton

Another game another defeat, the loss of Big Sam has completely destroyed any quality this team had. Like Samson and his hair, they have lost the source of their power. That’s what happens when you go from big(Allardyce) to small(Lee), ask any girl out there. Sorry Sammy but relegation is a very big possibility.

Reading

Are they still hung-over from their celebrations from doing so well last season?

Chelsea

1 point in 2 games simply is not good enough for the usually consistent Chelsea. You have to say that they were unlucky with the offside decision that would have awarded them the win, but I’m sure they are grateful for the penalty decision at Anfield and how Mikel was not penalised for bulldozing through Pedersen in the penalty area I really don’t know. Chelsea will eventually come good, but I fear for what will happen when the African Nations cup takes away many of their best players.

Shevchenko

He is like a bastard child, that no one likes. The look on Mourinho’s face when he missed that opportunity was golden and made it quite clear that Shevchenko is quite possibly the most unpopular player at any club right now. What a fall from grace for a man who was one of the best players in the world, who now has no pace and looks like he is pulling a truck when he runs. He would probably be the last person picked at my Sunday afternoon kick about.

Owen Brace Breaks Iron Curtain

Michael Owen’s brilliant brace helped England overcome Guus Hiddink’s Russia in this crucial Euro Qualifier.

I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised by England’s performance, as I thought that McClaren may get outsmarted by Hiddink. The line ups suggested that the Guus had his tactics spot on. He played with 5 in midfield in an attempt to smother England and nullify the threat of their wideboys, who had torn into Israel.

However, this game plan was thrown into disarray as England raced into an early lead. Haphazard Russian defending left Michael Owen completely free to side foot home from Barry’s cross to send Wembley into raptures.

England continued to press but Russia eventually worked their way back into the game, and were denied an equalizer. At first glance, it looked like a blatant handball but replays suggest that Zhyrianov chested the ball down before swivelling to send the ball past Robinson. A lucky escape for England whose defence looked uncomfortable for most of the night.

Terry was probably the only defender to emerge with any real credit as Rio Ferdinand and Ashley Cole’s lapses in concentration nearly cost England dear on many occasions. Richards was his usual self but still looks prone to getting caught of position.

However, none of this could stop England doubling their lead as Owen gleefully smashed home a volley after Emile Heskey’s knockdown.

Heskey was again brilliant for England, I lost count of the times he made something out of nothing and his partnership with Owen really looks the business. The goal was the perfect example of this. Rio just hoofed a ball forwards in hope more than anything but Heskey managed to make it look a good ball as he nodded onto Michael to do the rest.

Heskey reminds me of that part in American Pie 2 where Stifler urges everyone to “take one for the team”. Heskey is like that, he will take one for the team as long as it reaps long term benefits. In fact, he is a bit like the perfect wingman on a night out. There you are in a club, about to score with a gorgeous girl, but low and behold, she has a fat, ugly friend who is about to provide the cockblock. That is when Emile would step in, taking out the DUFF (designated ugly fat friend) in order for his friend to take all the glory, in this case Michael Owen.

Heskey’s goalscoring record is correctly derided because it is terrible, but how many goals has Rooney scored in England qualifiers? Exactly. Don’t get me wrong, Rooney is far better player but Heskey is very under-rated at the moment. One thing that annoys me is that you ask any pundit, manager or player about Heskey’s performances and what do they say?

“He’s a handful.”

They can’t say he was “brilliant” or “outstanding”. Instead they have to say that he was a “handful”. I don’t think it will be long before the word “Emile” will be re-branded as a unit of measurement.

“How many peanuts would you like sir?

“An Emile please.”

“Ah, a handful it is then.”

Back to the game and England laboured slightly in the second half after their fast paced first half. They were on the rack straight after half time and a goal during this time would have meant “squeaky bum” time but thankfully this didn’t materialise.

In fact, Rio Ferdinand gave the scoring a slightly flattering look as he swept home from inside the 18 yard area (when I first wrote this I wrote 18 year old area, how worrying is that).

So what can be taken from this performance? England were very good but McClaren has stumbled upon this team, make no bones about it, so judgement should still be reserved on the Ginger Whinger.. Barry was again superb and must keep his place but I still feel that Hargreaves will eventually grab his spot back. Stevie G was positively terrible but still must be played every game purely because he is one of England’s matchwinners and is the most complete central midfielder in the world. The defence still looks a touch suspect but should be good enough to see England through. Upfront Heskey and Owen really looked the real deal but it won’t be long before Shrek is chomping at the bit to get his spot back.

The real test for McClaren will be when England’s big guns will return..will he keep the same winning, cohesive team, or will he shift and change things around? That will be the true test of his management skills.

Sunil

Is it Arsenal's year?

Just so that you don’t think that this is a glorified Liverpool fan site, this article has been decided to restore the balance which has been disturbed by Kofi’s musings. Although I agree with his article which suggests that Liverpool are genuine title contenders, I feel it would be unfair not to consider the other challengers.

Man U and Chelski have proved in the last couple of years that they have the ability to win the League. So, in this article, I shall be playing devil’s advocate to Kofi, as although I am a supporter of an unnamed Championship team, I am also a closet Gooner.

So could this be Arsenal’s year?

Well, let’s start with the summer of discontent. The departure of Mr Va Va Voom cast a cloud over the Emirates, as did the departure of David Dein. Arsene Wenger’s future was in doubt as was that of Cesc Fabregas. Many people thought that Arsenal were on the point of imploding. Things were looking so bad that people even began to think that Tottenham were going to finish higher than them. The natives were restless.

Fast forward into the new season though and people are again taking Arsenal seriously as title challengers after last year’s disappointing campaign. So what has brought about this new found optimism?

The departure of Henry appears to have galvanised the team. There were many rumours that Henry thought he was the big cheese at Arsenal and that this disrupted the karma of the dressing room with many players retreating into their shell. However, with Henry now gone, the likes of van Persie and Adebayor look as though they are determined to take up the mantle. Also, Arsenal tended to over rely on Henry in previous seasons, whereas now, there early performances have suggested that they have the ability to score from all corners of the pitch. Arsene Wenger’s decision to stay on at the club has shown his dedication to the task in hand and it looks like his young squad are beginning to live up to the hype.

Fabregas has been a revelation this season. Many football fans have said that Fabregas was like Scholes without the goals and some even said he was no better than Jermaine Jenas (I won’t name names). True, his goal scoring record as a midfielder was terrible but early season form shows that Cesc is really on his game this year. As said before, with Henry gone, the Arsenal players have realised that they really need to improve their goal ratios in order to maintain a sustained title challenge.

It must be remembered that Arsenal have played three games at home this season and not against the most illustrious of opponents. However, last season, these were the sort of games that Arsenal were drawing, and now they have been snatching wins and finally putting away the dozens of chances they created which definitely shows they are moving forward. Arsenal generally produce in the big games, and it was their results against the lesser likes last year which were their downfall.

One criticism levelled at Arsenal is that they have no plan B. This is something which is hard to argue against, but only a Lemon howler prevented them winning against an excellent Blackburn side which suggests that they are learning how to mix it. Their away form will definitely need to improve, especially when it comes to the long winter months.

If anything is to prevent Arsenal winning the League it may be the depth of the squad. They are probably a little bit short in most areas, but there is no doubt in my mind that if they can keep their players fit then they can definitely grab the League title this year. Obviously, that’s a big if. Arsene really wants to compete in the League though and he may decide to rest his players for the FA Cup as well as the League Cup this year which may prove fruitful.

I think it is fair to say that the purists would love Arsenal to win the League, as they are the most entertaining team to watch. Whether they can or not will largely depend on their ability to escape injury though. Will Arsenal be Premiership Champions this year? I certainly hope so (sorry Kofi). Either way, the future is bright; the future is red and white.

Dwight and Andy

When you think of great partnerships you think of Torville and Dean, Zippy and Bungle, Yogi and Booboo or even Delboy and Rodney. One thing all these double acts have in common was the ability to instinctively know when to back up their partner. Dwight Yorke and Andy Cole are probably one the best strike partnerships the Premiership or even the world has ever seen.

Who can forget the telepathic link up play these two had which often translated to ball work they did off the pitch too. The goal they scored at the Nou Camp is testament to how well they knew each others “positional” play, cutting open the Barcelona defence with consummate ease. It was often quoted that they would literally test out new positions on many a lady at the same time, to help further intensify the link they both had on the pitch. Rumour has it that no one is actually sure who Harvey’s father is, as Cole and Yorke regularly played a neat 1-2 with Jordan’s fun bags. Many would say that it would take Cole five chances to score one goal, but with Yorke beside him he scored more often than not on and off the pitch. They scored over 150 goals for Man Utd, including many memorable and important efforts. They cleverly conspired to drag Man Utd into the final of the Champions League in 1999, with some brilliant play to inspire a classic United fight back.

After the dream team broke up, they were reunited at Blackburn. Many expected the same fireworks but it never happened, it was like when DX reformed, even though it was the same people there just wasn’t the magic we remember.

The duo appeared to be inexplicably drawn together as they are now both at Roy Keane’s Sunderland, though Yorke is now plying his trade in midfield. Perhaps he will again provide the ammunition for Cole to produce the goals to help the Black Cats stave off relegation.

Here is a collection of their finest moments. This video is shamelessly called “footballing brothers”. I am guessing that this it just because they are black. Outrageous. Lol

Black diamonds sparkle for England.....

England strolled to a comfortable victory to gain their first win at the new Wembley against a very poor Israeli side. England did what they had to and did it well. Even though the quality of the opposition left a lot to be desired there can be no doubt that England produced one of their most assured and cohesive performances for some time.

McClown for once got his tactics spot on. Heskey provided a much need focal point for England’s attack as he showed that even though he is relatively rubbish, he is still a million times better than Alan Smith. Playing with a genuine 4-4-2 was the key to England’s success as SWP and J.Cole exploited the wide areas and they were ably supported by Messers Cole and Richards.

SWP slotted home to settle any nerves the home crowd had, much to the delight of his appreciation society in the Match of the Day Studio. Once again, the nation saw how that the speedy little midget is now providing serious competition for that right wing position. Surely it won’t be long before Goldenballs return to the England side will soon be over with the likes of Bentley, Pennant and Lennon waiting in the wings. I think England looked much more of a threat without Beckham, with SWP and Micah Richards linking up brilliantly to scare the Israelis to death.

A fantastic goal from Michael Owen doubled the lead which led to John Motson again wetting himself.

“Has he ever scored a better goal for England? I don’t think he has.”

Again, the BBC showed why their commentators are clearly 3^rd rate. Does Motty remember a certain goal against Argentina? Does he remember the stage Owen was on and the fact that it was against one of the favourites for the World Cup? Does he realise that Israel are no better than a pub team. Motty do us all a favour and retire before you embarrass yourself any further.

Richards powered home a header to seal the victory and send the England fans home happy, though there was still time for them to give Bentley the bird, something which I think was unjustified.

So what can England take forward from here? Well for starters, I thought that Gareth Barry was outstanding and provided a perfect foil for Stevie G to maraud forward. His passing and distribution was first class and he provided two assists. Who knows what would have happened if the fat one had played but I think that England’s midfield was as balanced as it has been for some time. Another obvious thing is that it gives England another option from set pieces. I personally think it’s outrageous that Beckham takes all the set pieces and think there are other players who can provide just as much quality with their service

Richards was again outstanding, the guy is simply an animal. He can get caught out positionally every now and then but his recovery pace means he can get away with it, a bit like Sol Campbell used to. As much as G.Neville and Goldenballs are legends, they were at their peak 4-5 years ago and I think that its time for them to step aside and let SWP and Richards take their positions as it gives England a completely different dimension on the right hand side.

With any sense, and barring injuries, McClown will keep the same team for the game against Russia. He may have got lucky as this performance was down to him picking players he normally wouldn’t do. However, don’t be surprised if he bottles it and decides to alter things just to keep certain players happy. If he does, it could well be his downfall.

Prat of the Month........

There are a few contenders for our first award of the season, with the most notable being Rob Styles and Daniel Levy.

You don’t need me to remind you of the penalty that never was, but at the end of the day, nobody is perfect and so for the purposes of this award Mr Styles shall not be receiving an accolade for what was simply an unintentional balls up.

On the other hand, Daniel Levy’s handling of the Jolgate has been nothing short of scandalous and his antics have done nothing to quell the rumours of discontent. In fact, they have done exactly the opposite and added fuel to the fire that everyone’s favourite Dutchman shall soon be getting the boot. However, at the end of the day, Levy has actually come out and given his manager a belated show of support.

More than can be said for the dubious winner of Prat of the Month. Step forward Milan Mandaric (should that be Mad-daric?), who has come storming through the field to claim a last gasp victory.

Milan Mandaric has just sacked Martin Allen of Leicester City a mere four games into the season. In fact, Leicester have just handed out a spanking to one of the promotion favourites Watford and looked in decent shape. Also add to this the fact that Allen had been handed a large transfer kitty and made a vast amount of signings as he looked to take Leicester back the promised land and the decision to get rid of him seems even more bizarre.

Mandaric’s reasoning for the parting of ways?

"Given our respective visions for the club, it was decided that it would be in everybody's best interests if we parted company," said Mandaric.

Excuse me? Your respective visions? So what exactly did you discuss in the interview Milan? How many sugars Martin liked in his tea? Surely if you had different visions this could have been figured out at an earlier stage, rather than before you gave Allen a whole wodge of money to spunk on new players. Even if you believed Allen’s vision at the start of the season, how, after 4 games can you see that this direction has changed? YOU BLOODY CAN’T YOU PRAT!

It also appears that Martin Allen was one of the first on the scene to help out defender Clive Clarke when he recently collapsed during a cup game with Nottingham Forest. No sympathy from Milan though who promptly gave Martin the boot the week after. It was a bit like taking out a girl on Valentines day, then deciding to dump her the next day.

Why should we trust Milan’s judgment. This is coming a from a man who sacked Redknapp for the same reason as Allen then went crawling back a season later to save his team from relegation. Thankfully, Martin is more of a man than Harry and won’t be doing the same. Hopefully he will find a chairman more deserving of his talents.

Milan Mandaric, you are officially Prat of the Month.

Is It Our Year?

Being a Liverpool fan has been difficult in recent times, we have been befouled with a distinct lack of quality for many years, despite impressive performances in the Champions League, this cannot mask the inadequacies we have had in our squad in recent years. The Champions League was the make up that graces many a unattractive girl on the weekend, but in reality when it’s washed off, you cannot hide the blemishes. Liverpool fans have waited 17 long years for a league title, and for the most celebrated and successful team in the country that simply is not good enough. We have had to endure some torturous Premiership years, seeing our biggest rivals dominate, whilst we had to suffer the indignity of fighting for the last Champions League places. But now things are changing, Liverpool now have investment, a fantastic new stadium and a squad better than anything we have seen in the last 10 years.

Fans of other clubs will continue to provide many a reason why they think Liverpool will continue to underachieve in the league. They will say “Rafa rotates too much”, “you aren’t good away from home”, “you are a one man team” “you can’t score goals”. Years before this may have been true, but gone are the days of Bruno Cheyrou, the legend of Igor Biscan, Djimi Traore, Salif Daio, Bolo Zenden, Morientes, Dudek and Cisse. In ealier years Rafa would rotate his team and bring in ineptness, when a player like Zenden makes your Champions League final 11, you really have to question the squad you have. He may be the worst player to play on a Champions League final. Losing that final last year was a blessing in disguise. To win it would have covered up the deep rooted problems we had, but thankfully Rafa has spotted all of this and rectified all the problems we have in our squad.

The Defence

Liverpool have only conceded two goal so far this season and both of those were from penalties, one of which was highly contentious. In Finnan we have one of the most underrated players in the league, and one of the best right backs in the world. Arbeloa is a class act and has come leaps and bounds at left back this season. Carragher bleeds Liverpool red, and his passion for the club makes him a world class defender. Agger is simply a great talent, after he was taught a footballing lesson by Drogba in the first leg of the Champions League, he came back to produce a match winning performance at Anfield to control the animal that is Drogba. The likes of Traore could only dream of getting into this team, in comparison to earlier years where Djimi was our first choice left back. Comical is the word.

The midfield we have now is probably one of the best in the world, I think we have all heard the new song, but you can’t deny the quality we have right now. Monster Masch is just that, a monster. His hunger to win the ball is like a 16 yr old boy on the hunt for his first sexual experience, he is relentless and his distribution is also top notch. Alonso has not discovered the form he had in earlier years but his distribution is still impressive, but I feel it’s only a matter of time before Monster takes his starting spot. Momo was once the worst passers of the ball I have ever seen, he couldn’t pass wind, probably couldn’t even play pass the parcel, but this season he has been rejuvenated and has improved massively considering the pressure he is now under for a starting spot. He also has the honour of scoring the 7000^th goal for Liverpool FC. What more needs to be said about Gerrard, simply one of the best midfielders in the world, his influence and drive will carry Liverpool very far.

Attacking options

Last season we had to deal with the likes of Zenden to provide a creative spark for our strikers, a man who couldn’t deliver a pizza let alone a good ball in the box. Harry Kewell who as talented as he is, is clearly made of wet paper and Speedy Gonzales who promised so much but literally gave nothing, and was ousted by Zenden in the starting line up, that’s similar to having your girlfriend stolen by the elephant man. This season things are different, Riise has move into midfield, Ryan Babel is a class addition and looks a real threat, Pennant is beginning to show the world how good he really can be, he has been our best player so far this season and I’m expecting him to get better. I was miffed when we signed Benayoun, but he has impressed me greatly so far, but I still miss little Luis.

Upfront things look a lot different, last season we had a misfit in the shape of Bellamy, GOD, who was brilliant but he was clearly past his prime, Kuyt who seems to be afraid of the penalty box and the legend that is Peter Crouch. We struggled for goals and lacked the real quality to compete. This season we have a porn star and El Nino. Voronin, the pony tailed genius, looks a snip at free transfer and has looked impressive so far and knows how to put the ball in the net, whilst Torres provides us with some genuine pace, skill and power upfront, something we haven’t had for a long time. Ten goals in two games suggests we won’t have trouble scoring this season, but the quality of the opposition wasn’t exactly great.

1 – "Not good away from home" – Already picked up two wins at places we would have struggled to win at last season

2 – "Rafa rotates too much" – yes he does, but he does it to keep players fresh, last season he rotated and brought in genuine crap, this season he is rotating and bringing in genuine class.

3 – "You are a one man team" – we have lost our two best players and have still produced wonderful performances, even without Stevie we have enough quality to cover his absence, losing Stevie is not a problem.

4- "Your strikers cannot score goals" – Our strikers have all scored a couple this season already which bodes well for the future, I think Torres and Voronin is a massive step up from Bellamy and Fowler.

Can we win the league this season? Yes potentially we can, and the squad progression suggest that we will go a lot closer this year. The future looks good, and I think the rest of the Premiership knows it.

Ramming It Home....

Liverpool 6 Derby 0

Liverpool leaped to the top of the Premiership table for the first time in 5 years with an emphatic destruction of a truly woeful Derby side. Liverpool rammed home 6 goals, and regardless of how bad the opposition were, you can’t deny that there is genuine quality in this Liverpool side. Scoring 10 goals in two games without your two best players is a good return. Derby were hopeless, and the sight of two Derby defenders tackling themselves for Liverpool’s second was truly comical, and with defending like that you have to wonder how long it will be before Derby are relegated. I think the word “ram” is such an apt nickname, because they will be getting shafted all season.

Man Utd 1 Sunderland 0

Man Utd really are not playing like Champions, they limped to an unimpressive 1-0 win against Sunderland. Roy Keane went back to his old club and received a great welcome, Sunderland continue to slide, but when you have signed 10 Man Utd rejects/old boys you are bound to struggle, but they defended brilliantly and Craig Gordon is a great acquistion. The impotency upfront for Man Utd was clear to see, and the introduction of Saha was the impetous they needed and he duly scored the winner. Anderson looked well out of his depth, and Nani failed to excite me again. I think their minds were still thinking about the prostitutes they were entertaining a few days earlier. Tevez still looks unfit, but when Ronaldo and Rooney return, and Saha gains full fitness, Man Utd will be a force again.

Arsenal 3 Portsmouth 1

Fabregas shockingly scored another league goal, and his 4^th goal this season. For a guy who has struggled to score in the league it’s clear that he’s maturing as a footballer, can he keep it up? Arsenal strolled to a relatively easy win which started with Adebayor slotting home a penalty after Van Persie was felled in the box. Even though they went down to 10 men, they still looked comfortable and even after Kanu’s bizarre goal made it 3-1, it was clear that the result was never in doubt. I’m not sure if Arsenal have enough to maintain a title challenge, a few injuries and they could really struggle.

Blackburn 1 Manchester City 0

Sven’s honeymoon period appears to be over as Rovers eased to a 1-0 win courtesy of Benni McCarthy’s close range strike. Blackburn are still unbeaten and are playing with the sort of consistency and quality that many people expected of Tottenham this season. Surely it won’t be long before Mark Hughes steps into Fergie’s boots? Or perhaps he may even be a target for Tottenham once Martin not so Jolly departs… watch this space.

Aston Villa 2 Chelski 0

Villa’s hoodoo over Jose Mourinho continued as Chelsea left the Midlands pointless. The Special One even resorted to getting his hairstyle changed before the game in an attempt to change his fortunes at Villa Park. Unfortunately for Jose, it made no difference and now he has just ended up looking like an idiot. A word of advice Jose, if it aint broke, don’t fix it. Chelski toiled at Villa without any real cutting edge, though it could have all been different if the referee had spotted Laursen’s attempted GBH on SWP in the first half. Without Fat Frank, Chelski were unable the resort to their tactic of getting Drogba to flick the ball on for the Fat one to hit a deflected winner. Ashley Young gave Belleti a torrid time as Villa grabbed what was probably a deserved three points, certainly in terms of clear cut chances.

Fulham 3 Tottenham 3

Diomansy Kamara’s shinned bicycle kick pushed Martin Jol one step closer to the sack as Tottenham once again pushed the self destruct button. I think Martin Jol should be called Santa Claus from now on, not just because of his rotund figure but also because he just loves handing out gifts. His decision to remove Robbie Keane proved pivotal, as the Irishman was running the game and the substitution handed Fulham the initiative. This was followed by the introduction of Michael Dawson as Jol pretty much said “we are trying our best to let you back into the game…so please oblige”. Fulham didn’t disappoint as they gained a point from a game in which Spurs completely dominated. Jol will have a lot of sympathy from the shambles of the Ramos affair but many will question whether he has the tactical ability to take Spurs to the next level, something which will almost certainly cost him his job.

Middlesborough 2 Birmingham 0

Goals from Wheater and Downing handed Boro an impressive win. Shame that there was no-one in the ground to witness it. A very poor attendance was the most notable thing during this game as well as Steve Bruce’s terrible attire. Stick to the tracksuit Steve.

Newcastle 1 Wigan 0

Michael Owen rediscovered his goal scoring touch as the Geordies snatched a last gasp win against a plucky ten man Wigan. Before everyone gets excited though, remember that Owen was up against Titus Bramble, not exactly the sternest test he is likely to face. I personally won’t be convinced until Michael gets 15-20 games under his belt.

Bolton 1 Everton 2

The Yak scored on his debut but it was Joleon Lescott who turned out to be the hero as he headed a last ditch winner at the Reebok. Everton have been excellent so far and look as though they could really be a force to be reckoned with this season, providing that they can keep their squad injury free. Another defeat for wee Sammy will do little to keep the vultures circling but the fact that Derby are already relegated may suggest that he may get some more time to stamp his authority on the Trotters.

Reading 0 West Ham 3

The Hammers gained revenge for last years six goal spanking as Bellamy and Etherington ran riot. Bellamy has shown that he can be a class player but it remains to be seen whether he can do it week in, week out. When things are going well, Bellamy will be fine. But if things aren’t going well, the hunchback is not the sort of person you want in your side when you are trying to scrap your way out of trouble. Not unless he is handed a golf club of course.

Rob Styles Is At It Again.....

Oh Dear.

***Roast Watch***

After literally hundreds of emails, I have decided to bring back the legendary Roast Watch. This week we can see Cristiano Ronaldo and Co getting involved with some roasting action and apparently Fergie is getting in on the act too.

ORGY' RON IS GIVEN A ROASTING BY FERGIE

Sex scandal at Man United Boss fury at escort girl party

By Emma Donnan

Surely its Ronaldo who was the one doing the roasting. Some of the quotes from the hookers are just pure comedy, here are a couple of gems.



















"I heard Ronaldo say in Portuguese to one of his pals, 'Wow, look at those breasts', as we walked over." - So hookers are fluent in Portuguese these days. lol

"They didn't care about our feelings. They didn't even talk. They just moved our bodies into the right positions." You're hookers what did you expect, chocolates and engagement rings?

"It was huge and L-shaped. I couldn't believe I was there," said 18-year-old Tyese. "I felt like a WAG!" lol

"I put on a blue and gold mini dress and some really sexy black and white underwear from Tesco's which showed off my boobs and bum brilliantly." Tesco underwear? Classy.

Tyese added: "Then a man I later found out was Nani came in wearing only boxer shorts, swaggering about saying, ‘I am hot, I am hot'. I knew this wasn't going to be simple sex." Oh dear