Premiership Ups and Downs

Going Up

Liverpool & Torres

Liverpool recorded only their second home win of the season and remain undefeated after a superb cameo appearance from Fernando Torres. For a team apparently in crisis, they were only 3 points off the top of the Premiership on Saturday, what will happen if they actually start playing well again. In Torres they have a truly world class player who can produce a moment of magic at any given moment. Rafa did not rotate the team after the 8-0 thrashing midweek, but it is simply impossible for him to leave a player of Fernando’s quality on the bench. If Liverpool can keep him fit, and get back some of the other injured stars, we might start saying it their year again, Liverpool are once again turning corners.

Man Utd & Ronaldo

Cristiano Ronaldo now has 26 goals in 51 games, which is a very impressive return for a winger who literally has everything, even a taste for a good prostitute. He may often bottle the big games, and have permanent residence in Ashley Cole’s pocket but he is having another great season, and has 10 goals already. Man Utd sit firmly on top of the Premiership again, and even without Rooney you can see them staying there or there abouts for the rest of the season.

Tottenham & Berbatov

Tottenham actually won another game, who would have thought it. Even at 3-0 nil I was still thinking of ways that they could throw away another lead, but somehow they didn’t. I think even Berbatov had time to smile, he’s like a sulking school child at the moment, who clearly does not want to be there, but I’m sure finally getting out of the relegation zone should cheer him up. His all round performance was a masterclass in wonderful football, and even though he has reiterated his desire to stay, I’m not buying it. Tottenham have to be pleased, there standards have dropped like mine would after 10 pints, so forget a top 4 finish, they can celebrate finally being out of the bottom 4.

Tim Cahill

Was out injured for a long time, and has come back and continued to bang in the goals, one of the best goal scoring midfielders around at the moment.

Agbonlahor

I honestly thought he would be more useful in the Great Britain 4x100 relay team, but I have to say he is starting to look like a decent player, and if you score the winner in your local derby, you’ve clearly had a good day.

Going Down

Derby

Should I even bother mentioning them anymore, they are perpetually going down, like a porn star in her prime. Conceding 5 goals at home to West Ham, who are missing their best strikers is simply awful.

Bentley

I know footballers are not the brightest sparks in the world, but surely spelling your own name is probably the easiest thing you will ever do, so how did he not notice that they had spelt it wrong?

John Motson

Apparently Cahill’s goals was a typical goal for him according to Motty, how many overhead kicks does one player score in his life for it to be typical. Time to hang up the mic Motty.

Wigan

I’m not going to praise Jenas for his 2 goals, but Id rather berate Wigan for allowing the invisible man of football to score and almost get a hat trick, similar to getting knocked out by a man with no arms.

Bolton

They cant even give away tickets.