Premiership Ups & Downs...

Going Up

Portsmouth

Harry Redknapp is doing an incredible job at Pompey at the moment, particularly bearing in mind that they have already played the top 4. Any man that can get Benjani to score goals on a regular basis is clearly a miracle worker. Perhaps they should put Harry in charge of the UN and see if he can restore world peace.

Long range shots

There were at least four to five screamers which ripped into the back of the net on Saturday. As much as many pundits may laud great team play etc there is nothing a spectator loves more than seeing a player just smash the ball past the despairing dive of a goalkeeper. More of the same please.

Linesmen

The men in the middle always take a battering and so its about time we give them credit when credits due. Whilst Gallas' equaliser was clearly over the line how many times have we seen the officials bottle that kind of decision. No doubt that a dodgy decision from Rob Styles next week will redress the balance though. Twat.

Fat Frank

I don't think that anyone can deny that the Fat One has played a major part in Chelski's excellent recent form as his goalscoring streak continued at the JJB. Still not sure about his celebration though, looks like he is doing some sort of judo chop or something. (I think he is shoving a pizza in the oven. - Ed)

Going Down

Liverpool and Dirk Kuyt

Liverpool stumbled to a goal-less draw against a determined Blackburn Rovers at Ewood Park on Saturday. Despite another relatively poor performance, the Reds should have won the game in the second half had it not been for some terrible finishing from the hapless Dirk Kuyt. The Dutchman couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo at the moment and his terrible form shows no sign of abaiting. For me, Kuyt is a good example of the flood of players around at the moment who I personally wouldn't call a proper footballer. As a striker, he doesn't have great movement, he doesn't link up play and he can't finish. It seems all he can do is run around a lot. Well, if thats all Rafa wants from his strikers then he might as well stick Paula Radcliffe up front because she would easily cover the same amount of ground and just like Kuyt, would probably piss herself whenever she was in a matchwinning position.

I am not exactly sure why Peter Crouch can't get a game at the moment. The only thing I can think of is that he perhaps slept with Rafa's wife or something, because behind Torres he is Liverpool's most effective striker and has shown proven ability to score in the Premiership. Liverpool may be unbeaten but as many people have pointed out, you are better of winning one game and then losing one rather than drawing two in a row. After all, you could go a whole season unbeaten and still get relegated.

Newcastle United's defence

The Geordies backline was ripped wide open like a prisoner picking up a bar of a soap. Have Newcastle ever had a good defence? Certainly not since I have been alive I don't think

Derby

Pretty self explanatory really

Fabregas's goal celebrations

Don't get me wrong, Cesc is having an incredible season for Arsenal this season, but why oh why does he look like he is going to burst into tears everyime he scores for the Gooners? There are a lot more terrible things going on in the world to get upset about such as poverty, war and the destruction of environment. I don't think that scoring goals for a football team should really be added to that list just yet.

Chris Hutchings

As predicted on this website many months ago (don't all rush to congratulate me), the crafty cockney has been given the boot at Wigan after less than half a season in charge. Just goes to show that an assistant manager should never get promoted to take charge of first team affairs (take note Brian Barwick).

Sunil