Window of Opportunity?

So 31 January 2008 is nigh and so nears the end a month of frenzied transfer activity. I for one have not been the biggest fan of the transfer window ever since its inception and I think that its introduction has only gone to strengthen the biggest teams in the country at the expense of those with less stature.

The likes of Manchester United and Chelsea are able to spend heavily in the summer, building up their squads, knowing that their any major injuries or suspensions will be catered for and their will be no need to take any emergency action.

However, teams such as Bolton and Reading cannot compete in terms of spending power and so are unable to carry such huge squads on the off chance that they undergo such a crisis, which can prove extremely costly. An excellent example of this occurred a couple of years ago when Watford’s top striker, Marlon King, was injured a couple of games into the Premiership season and after the summer window had shut. As a result, Watford were unable to sign anyone to replace him and the rest is history, as they were relegated without a whimper.

Fans are deprived of months of transfer gossip and the palpable buzz that arrives when you are on the verge of a signing which could potentially change your team’s fortunes. Meanwhile, the media are forced to scratch around for other news to fill their column inches.

Transfer restrictions may also increase the chance of the “tapping up” of players, an issue that was brought to light during the Ashley Cole saga a couple of years ago.

The window is also impractical when players fall out of favour with the club they are contracted to. Footballers may not be playing but are not able to move on for many months and are so getting paid wages for effectively doing nothing, something which hits all clubs in the pockets, including the fans.

Clubs who fall into financial difficulty may also have their hands tied. A common solution would be to sell their most valuable assets for a quick cash injection, but now this cannot happen. In some extreme cases, clubs may not field their best players in case they get injured before the transfer window, thus damaging the team’s chances of pulling through the financial crisis. This will only serve to punish the team on the pitch and the supporters who pay to watch them.

Could you imagine if you only had one month to get rid of your current girlfriend and find another one? Or if you decided to leave your job but were told that you could only do so after another six months? You would be irrative, your motivation would dip and you wouldn’t be at your most productive. And also consider if you had only one month to find the job you really want. It would hardly be ideal to say the least.

Window of opportunity? I don’t think so.

Sunil

Keegan Appoints Wise...Photocall

Despite rumours to the contrary, Keegan was today photographed welcoming Dennis Wise. As you can see below it looks like a match made in heaven

Sunil

Cult Heroes......Tino Asprilla

The recent return of Kevin Keegan has brought back lots of memories for those of us old enough to remember his last stint with the Toon Army. For some it’s the crazy outbursts, or the loss of a big lead in the league. At a time when my own team, Arsenal, was falling to new lows at the end of the Graham era, it was all an interesting distraction. However, for me the enduring memory is of the footballing wizard that was Faustino (Tino) Asprilla (that’s Aspriya, no Asprilia!).

Now I’ll admit that I have an ulterior motive for this, and that is because I’m a Colombian, and to us Colombians, having Asprilla play in the premiership was a moment of great pride. Never before had one of our countrymen pulled on the shirt of a major English team.

Of course Tino came with a reputation already, considering he had played for Parma (where he is said to have declared he was a builder to get a visa), back when they were a decent team. He was also a member of the infamous USA 94 national team, which failed miserably after being given the ultimate jinx, being Pele’s dark horses. Amid rumours of drug cartels and betting rings disrupting the dressing room and a dismal defeat to the USA, (I sat in my parents’ bedroom at 2am watching that match and it was truly heartbreaking). It was said that Tino was one of many players who threatened to walk out before the game, and eventually did afterwards.

But to us Colombians he would remain a hero despite that because he also gave us the immense pleasure of being instrumental in a 5-0 demolishing of Argentina in their own backyard, something that we would never have dreamed of. In those days, we didn’t have much access to South American football, and still don’t really, so there were copies of the match on VHS that did the rounds amongst family so we could all see for ourselves.

I remember when the news broke that Tino was to sign for the Toon, and seeing the pictures of him in the car park, in the middle of a blizzard. Looking back, it epitomised the culture clash between English football and the wider net being cast to bring in talent from abroad. How they laughed at the foreigner bundled up and still looking frozen to the bone. But that all changed when he made his debut at Middlesborough. He came on as a sub and completely changed the game, and instantly showed himself to be one of the more skilful players in the country. He absolutely terrorised the ‘boro defence, with his seemingly rubber legs going one way and the ball another.

Unfortunately, despite his impressive start, he was part of the team that eventually failed to win the league, and was blamed in some quarters for this. It was felt that he broke up a successful partnership in Beardsley and Ferdinand, and was unnecessary tinkering by Keegan. Like many players who seem to have such amazing skill, he could never really find the consistency to be a regular threat.

Probably his defining moment was the hat-trick he scored in a seminal game that Newcastle won 3-2 against the mighty Barcelona. Tino and Ginola took Barca apart, and as Colombians we shared the Toon Army’s joy. Around that time I lost count of the number of Newcastle tops that I saw around the Colombian community and that game still resonates. Not long ago an uncle of mine used one of his calls from prison to ask me to help him settle a bet regarding the match because someone wouldn’t believe Tino had scored a hat-trick (no prison jokes please!).

Sadly, Tino never quite hit those highs again and it became clear that part of his inconsistency was due to being somewhat nuts and very moody. As an acne ridden teenager, I had the pleasure of meeting him at the Colombian restaurant my parents owned, and he was not in the slightest bit interested in giving any of his time to the bunch of Colombian kids who idolised him.

Around the same time his temper increasingly became a problem and he was sent off for Colombia after getting in a fight with the Paraguayan keeper Chilavert in the middle of a match. The first Colombian to get dismissed for such a crime.

He was eventually shipped off to Brazil and wound down his career at various South American clubs, never coming close to matching his previous highs. Although, infamously, he came very close to signing with lowly Doncaster a few years ago after dealing with their moneybags chairmen, even being paraded before a match. But Tino being Tino, he didn’t turn up for the contract signing and was never heard off again.

There were rumours back home that he spent all his time drinking and indulging in the high life of women and cocaine, and when you’re taken from the slums of Colombia and become a mega-rich footballer, respected throughout the world maybe its not a great surprise. Something of course that we see now, with youngsters making much more money than they could ever have dreamed of. Tino eventually did time for running amok in Colombia waving his gun in the air in a wild frenzy, although thankfully the nutter didn’t shoot anyone! He also raised eyebrows when he posed nude for the cover of a magazine.

Anyway, cheers for sharing my journey back in time, and to the crazy owner of Newcastle for re-hiring Keegan and prompting this. Tino, you were a great, but also clearly mad as a hatter, and we salute you for it!

Luis Hernandez

You're Not Singing Anymore

Having carefully observed numerous Premiership and Championship games in recent weeks, it’s clear that the general consensus is that the atmosphere at grounds is gradually diminishing. This is a topic that has been brought sharply into focus after Alex Ferguson accused a crowd of nearly 75,000 fans of producing a ‘funeral-like’ atmosphere as his side beat lowly Birmingham 1-0 at Old Trafford.

I believe that the thrill and excitement of match days has been on the wane for some time and is a trend which is becoming increasingly difficult to reverse.

After the Hillsborough tragedy, the advent of all-seater stadiums was a necessity for crowd safety but this has come at a price. As much as the brand new all-seater stadiums look fantastic and have huge capacities, there is no doubt that they can help create a vacuum-like atmosphere and they can struggle to keep any meaningful noise within their confines. Those who have visited the new Wembley will testify to this.

However, I believe that the main contributing factor has been the rapid rise of footballers’ wages allied to the television boom. When football was first born, it was a game for the “man on the street”. Fans would go to a game to spend their hard earned wages to watch people who were probably getting paid just as much money as them but had a talent and flair for football. The archetypal spectator could relate to these players, they would give them their full backing and would have their mutual respect.

However, fast forward to the modern day and times have changed considerably. Ticket prices are spiralling upwards and many top players earn more money in one week then many spectators earn in two to three years. Fans simply cannot relate to this. Now, when they attend a match, they expect entertainment, perfection and justification for the huge sums that these players are earning. This can lead to fans being anxious, critical and hoping that going to watch their team wasn’t a complete waste of time and money.

The television explosion has also meant that a full compliment of 3pm fixtures rarely occurs. Awkward kick off times has resulted in fans refusing to travel to games and instead choosing to follow their team in the comfort of their own living room.

The perceived lack of loyalty shown by players has also been a contributory factor. A fine example would be Portsmouth’s recent acquisition Lassana Diarra, who on signing for the South Coast side, admitted that if a bigger side were to come calling he would be on his way in rapid time. That’s a bit like saying to your new girlfriend that you will stay with her for now but if Jessica Alba came knocking at your door, you would be gone in a flash. It’s not the sort of thing you would say to garner any sort of support or rapport is it?

Unfortunately, this current trend looks set to continue in the beautiful game.

Sunil

The Return Of The Brazillians From Africa....

Readers of my previous blog dedicated to the 2006 World Cup will be well aware of my African heritage. This week the African Cup of Nations kicked off in my country of origin Ghana, with the Black Stars going up against the world power of Guinea in the showpiece opener. They call Ghana the Brazil Of Africa, and for good reason, yes they may have Junior Agogo of Nottingham Forest and Arsenal failure Quincy, but when they all step on that pitch it is a sight to behold, with a passing game only rivalled by the ever so annoying Gooners(yes I am clearly over hyping them, but aren’t we all guilty of getting a bit too excited).

If you have ever travelled to a country Africa, you will know all about the special saying “This is Africa”. It’s a saying used to describe all the comedy things that happen in Africa, which could only happen in Africa, astonishing things that happen, that you accept as common behaviour. When the tournament kicked off it was quite clear that we would be hearing that saying a lot of times. I said to myself “Please don’t embarrass yourself Ghana, the world is watching”, but from the moment the whistle blew in the opening match I was already hanging my head in shame.

The pitch for the “showpiece” was an absolute disgrace, as if they told the grounds men to make sure the ball cant roll more than 2 metres, with the grass so long you could only see half the ball and none of the players boots, I bet the sponsors were outraged. The match more than made up for the debacle, with the Black stars kicking off with a superb win over Guinea thanks to an absolute roaster from Sulley Muntari which he claimed was a goal which healed sickness. It takes a team with supreme skill and heart to play slick 1 touch football when knee deep in grass.

The Nigerians our bitter rivals lost out to the tournament favourites the Ivory Coast thanks to surprisingly skillful goal from the often erratic Solomom Kalou, to be honest I will put this goal down to good fortune rather than anything, with the Nigerian defence spreading quicker than the legs of a Dutch prostitute, I seriously wonder what the real average age of the Super eagles actually is? Kanu is now 52, Martins is 36 and Yakubu is nearer 35 than 25. Despite the lights failing during the national anthems, Kanoute was still able to put Mali into a good position scoring the only goal in a 1-0 win over Benin. The Champions Egypt punished Cameroon 4-2, with a sublime display of attacking football and the Angolans were held to a draw by the South Africans after a brilliant goal from New Man Utd star Manucho. How long before Man U fans tell us he is the second coming and future world player of the year? All in all it’s been an exciting start to the tournament on the pitch, regardless of the teething problems off it.

Now on to the television coverage, beware of every cliché in the book from so called “knowledgeable” such as “typical naive African defending”, “look at that robust midfield”, “The goalkeepers are so eccentric”, “look at that power, pace, power, pace, strength” and lets not forget ”the north Africans play a European style of football”. Sometimes I wonder why the commentators don’t comment on the size of the African players’ penises, might as well throw in as many urban myths(or truths) as you possible can. Also be sure to avoid the BBC’s coverage at all costs, they have done some simple maths to decide which pundits to give their “expert” analysis. I think it something like this, Africa + Football + Black people = Garth Crooks, who knows absolutely nothing about the African game or football in general, but he’s clearly the most qualified for the job(sigh). Switch over the Eurosport to watch Stan “Overweight” Collymore providing a very informative assessment of what’s really going on and what players to watch out for, I have been pleasantly surprised.

Regardless of the terrible pitches, awful commentary clichés, insane goalkeeping and terrible punditry, this years African nations will be the best ever in my book, yes I may be biased, but never has their been so many high profile African players represented in the biggest and best leagues in the world, so if you want to watch free flowing, attacking and often dangerous and amusing football, forget the Emirates, just switch over to Eurosport, you wont be disappointed.

Kevin Nolan Loves You

Perhaps I am bit naive here, but I for one have actually had no idea what Kevin Nolan's goal celebration was about until it was very recently brought to my attention. I originally thought that it was some sort of homage to metal rockers but it actually turns out that the hand gesture means "I love you" in sign language. Who or what exactly he loves, I have no idea, but I am pretty sure that its not playing football for Bolton that gets his juices flowing. So there you go, an extra bit of useless information for you next time you go to a pub quiz.

Sunil

Premiership Ups & Downs...

Going UpJoleon Lescott

He may look like a Klingon who was involved in a nasty car accident but the defender has been in outstanding form this season and continued his fine scoring form to help Everton put the pressure on Liverpool for that coveted fourth spot.

Joe Hart

Get this kid in the England squad. Now. Another great display from the former Shrewsbury shot stopper to help secure a lucky point for Manchester City.

Touchline Antics

Alex Ferguson's "fist of fury" was one of the highlights of the weekend after his United side finally overcame Reading at the Madejksi. I am not enturely sure who this signal was aimed but hopefully it wasn't at the family enclosure or else he may be in a bit of trouble with the FA.

Not to be outdone, Mark Hughes and Gareth Southgate almost came to blows at Ewood Park after Hughes cheekily threw the ball at a prone Jeremie Aliadiere. The former players were nose to nose at one point(due to Southgates enormous hooter). However, Sparky was scared to death after looking at Southgate's ugly mug and thankfully saw the light and stepped away from the scene.

Good to see things are back on the up after the departure of the Special One. I don't think that Avram will be getting involved in any of these misdemeanours though, do you?

Robbie Keane

Despite having possibly the worst celebration in football, credit to the Irishman for notching his 100th goal for Tottenham Hotspur. If he carries on at this rate, the mid-table beckons. Still laughable how Spurs were touted as Champions League Challengers at the beginning of the season really.

Benjani

Another guy with a terrible celebration but a great hat-trick never-the-less. He looks slightly like the Candyman and Derby will be having nightmares about this season full stop.

Adebayor

This guy is carrying the Arsenal front line at the moment. Although anyone could score against Fulham you can only beat whats in front of you.

Going Down


Newcastle United

After the Kevin Keegan hype machine reached match day most Geordie fans probably wished they had stayed at home after this shocking goal-less drawer against the Trotters. The irony is, if Big Sam had got this result, there probably would have been a pitch invasion, but because Keegan is in charge, the Geordie fans were still doing cartwheels after the game. Tossers

Titus Bramble

Titus may have been dreaming of an England call up after his scorcher against Liverpool but any such hopes were dashed after his howler helped tee up Andy Johnson to set Everton on the way to victory. Maybe there was a bit too much love there with the whole A-team thing going on as Bramble merked himself on a dogs dinner of a pitch at the JJB.

The guys on MOTD felt so bad for Bramble that they concocted a video showing how Titus actually did some half decent defending during the game. I nearly puked at the sentimental montage. Back to the drawing board for On the Bench's favourite figure of fun.

Fulham

With only 2 relegation spots to fill, Fulham are making a strong claim to go down. They have less up top than Keira Knightley and have a defence like a sieve. In other words, they have Delhi Belly, problems at both ends. I personally wouldnt give a monkeys if they go down, they are only up there cos of the money and their space could easily be filled by a proper team(not sure what that actually means but you get the logic)

Liverpool

I am pretty sure that Kofi will be close to tears right now so I will keep this brief. I didn't watch the game but when you get merked by Marlon Harewood, one of the worst strikers in the Premiership merely two weeks after getting ripped by Titus Bramble, then you know you are in trouble.

Rafa Benitez used all his tactical nous to leave matchwinners Babel and Crouch on the bench and instead persisted with Kewell and Kuyt. Rafa only decided to bring on the two subs until relatively late in the game and managed to rescue a point for his beleagured side who are now a massive 14 points off the top of the league. Only Newcastle have saved Liverpool from being the biggest laughing stock in British football right now (that wasn't that brief after all was it)

Sunil

The King Is Back.........

Many man many years ago I was a young man who thought he had found love, her name was Lisa. She showed me so many great times, taught me so many great things and made me see women in a different light. It was one of the best times of my life and everything seemed to go right, until eventually we just drifted apart. She brought me so close to love, but ultimately it just didn’t work out. A couple of weeks ago she rang me again, and we met up for a drink. Unfortunately she wasn’t what I expected; she wasn’t as pretty as I remembered, not as sexy and ultimately not as fun. I had got better looking and more ambitious and as the evening drew on, the memory of her beauty had quickly faded. I wish I had never met up with her, now my memories are ruined. They always said never go back, and it was an experience which fully endorsed that attitude.

Why am I babbling on about past loves you might ask? Well, a couple of weeks ago a good friend of mine mentioned Kevin Keegan returning to Newcastle, I immediately scoffed at the idea. It would be as farcical as Roy Evans being seen at Melwood or Souness being given another managerial position. Rumours then circled claiming it would be a “Dream Team”(I use the words dream and team hesitantly) of Keegan and Shearer, surely lunacy for a club with aspirations of being a top 6 side? Well, Newcastle are never ones to disappoint and in timely fashion Kevin Keegan was announced as the manager of Newcastle United. I’ts simply a crazy appointment, which could either be a masterstroke or a complete and utter circus act. Keegan has not watched football for 3 years, how is that even possible? Surely even he must have rejoiced in seeing McClaren’s circus act outshine any of his past failings as England manager? But what can you honestly expect from a club who signed the perennially injured Michael Owen for 17 million pounds and filled half a stadium to welcome him, as if he were some second coming of Christ, who would guarantee the premiership title. Some may call it passion; I just like to label it as pure stupidity.

Keegan is a bottler, a man who has a history of crumbling like a wet digestive when any pressure is applied. He threw away a 12 point lead to Manchester United during his first spell in charge at Newcastle in that classic premiership season and almost won the title, but unfortunately he was undone by some classic Fergie mind games which cost him dear and he never recovered from this. Who can forget the classic “I would love it” rant that served as an utterly embarrassing outburst which still haunts him to this very day. I bet Fergie still has a right old chuckle in his slippers when replaying this moment on youtube. The premiership is a completely different animal these days. If you go in unprotected too many times you will ultimately get burnt, its something that applies to our sex lives and also to football. That all out attacking type of play won’t cut it anymore, and if King Kev thinks it will, expect Newcastle to continue to get hammered by 4 or 5 by the top sides. Keegan will need to sort out the defence because the stench of Titus Bramble still lingers in the air of St James Park.

Keegan’s relationship with some of his current players is also a bit frosty. Michael Owen claimed in his book that Keegan scarred his career and was responsible for one of the darkest times of his life. That’s not exactly a great way to start a new relationship. Keegan has attempted to rectify this by misplacing his balls and making Owen captain against Bolton, great way to massage his ego Kev, but there really is no point having a captain who will miss half the season through injury and then hand in a transfer request because he secretly has wet dreams of playing for a top 4 side, but I’m guessing anything is better than the incredulous Alan Smith. The Bolton match was an exhibition of total and utter dross but was inevitably overshadowed by the return of the man who rejuvenated the Geordies in the 90s. Did I really expect excitement from 2 teams that Big Sam built?

Mike Ashely is a shrewd business man, he knows the fans will not turn on King Kev, where as any other appointment would not please the fans. Yes, the King may be back, but I’m sorry the mediocrity isn’t going anywhere. Unfortunately the myopic fans will see through this because their messiah has returned. Like my memory of Lisa, Newcastle fans may regret seeing their King come back and ruin the memories they once had.

Here is the video of that classic rant.

***Roast Watch - Cristiano's Back!***

Well well well, just when you thought Cristiano had been the only Man Utd player innocent of any wrong doings in the christmas party scandal, he pops up with his own tale of Roastary(yes I just made that word up). Not to be outdone, Cristiano decided to organise a party of his own shortly after accepting his 3rd place finish at the Fifa World Player of the Year awards. Don't worry Cristiano you might have been voted the 3rd best player in the world but you are most certainly the number one roaster right now.

PROSTITUTE loving soccer ace Cristiano Ronaldo has been up to his old tricks again—jetting off for a sleazy orgy with TWO Rome vice girls.

The Manchester United winker looked like Mr Clean when he SKIPPED the team's notorious Christmas party that ended in roasting and rape allegations.

He escaped the huge rollicking and massive £1million fine delivered to the rest of the side by furious boss Alex Ferguson.

But the Portuguese winger made up for lost time when he slipped away to Italy after United's FA Cup victory over Aston Villa on Sunday —and made a beeline for a seedy dive in Rome's red light district.

A source at the strip joint told us: "Ronaldo and a pal arranged for two girls to go to his hotel after leaving the club.

Shock

"They PAID for sex with the girls then SWAPPED over so they could bed BOTH of them."

It's a shock return to form for Ronaldo. Just four months ago he hired five hookers for a sex bash with Portuguese team-mate Nani, 20, and Brazilian colleague Anderson, 19, at his home outside Manchester.

And in 2005 he was falsely accused of rape by a prostitute after having sex in his suite at London's Sanderson Hotel.

Although we don't have photos of Ronaldo's most recent prostitutes, who took part in the previous orgy.

Ronaldo's latest antics are certain to land him in double trouble—first with boss Sir Alex, already livid about his club's reputation being dragged through the mud, and second with his stunning new girlfriend TV presenter Carolina Patrocinio, 20 (pictured right).

Ronaldo's new girlfriend TV presenter Carolina Patrocinio

The star's night of disgrace began with his visit to Rome's notorious Divafutura Channel club. Inside the dimly-lit basement punters are hustled to buy hostesses £120 bottles of champagne as brazen performers-who charge £35 for private lapdances—strip on a podium.

A bottle of lager costs £16— small beer to £100,000-a-week Ronaldo, 22. The star breezed in, ordered bubbly and spent about an hour boozing with a pal before choosing two hostesses to visit him at the nearby five-star Hilton.

Another guest, who saw him arrive back at the hotel, said: "He came in a cab on his own but his pal followed later with two girls.

"One was Spanish-looking, very curvy and with long dark hair. I'd estimate the girls were up there about two hours so they must have had some fun.

"I saw Ronaldo the next day and he had a big grin on his face."

When our investigators visited the Divafutura club they were shown to a table overlooking the stage and two scantily-clad Romanian girls immediately joined them.

A busty girl was midway through a striptease on the platform, ogled by a handful of businessmen. Our man said: "One of the hostesses was a pretty blonde called Nikki in a tiny black pelmet skirt and boob tube.

"The other, called Nicole, wore black fishnet stockings and basque.

"They ordered glasses of champagne at £22 a go and draped themselves over us. They made it clear from the start they were willing to have sex, wrapping legs around us and urging us to touch them."

Nicole whispered: "Do you have a hotel? We can go there and have sex. We can have a party with my friend and your friend. If you want we can swap over. I will charge £200."

She added: "We have lots of famous people who come here. Ronaldo the football player was here a few days ago—but I didn't like him. He was a bit, how you say, stuck-up."

Our reporters declined the girls' offer and left. It's a pity Cristiano didn't do the same.

Keegan Signs Shaun Wright Phillips

Details have emerged that the King Kevin has wasted no time in dipping into the transfer market as he has snapped up wee Shaun Wright Phillips from Chelski. More details to follow. The picture below confirms the deal is set to go ahead after the two were spotted in a car park exchanging pleasantries.

One down, One to go! - Ross' Response

As we all Liverpool supporters here, we naturally want the best for the team.

Start with the facts, we have not won the premiership since its conception. Are we close, no. if we leave Rafa alone he can build a team. Last season he needed a striker to bury those o so many chances we were creating. The answer to that problem, Torres. The next acquisition for an unstable midfield, mash, another world class player. He knows what he needs for the team, given the backing he has a habit of getting it right recently, before u so say anything, Voronin was free!

Rafa is far from perfect but he needs time, Rome was not built in a day. He has been there 4 yrs resulting in,1 champions league title, another appearance in the final and a few other trophies.

He tinkers too much. Its frustrating as hell, especially when you consider the squad at our disposal. It has a negative effect on the players. But some might say, if you can't stand the heat, get out the kitchen. Torres was rotated like hell when he first turned up, but he turned it around and now he is the first on the team sheet, If you prove Rafa wrong he loves it.

As for the guy who left after 11 yrs, he went for a job without consulting Rafa, big disrespect.

If Rafa went I think you could say goodbye within 1 yr to the whole Spanish contingent, Mash and even Stevie, he wants to win things and at his age he can't wait another3 yrs for another manager to get it right.

The problem lies with the owners. They have no idea how to run a football club and how the media operates, they play straight into their hands. The way the club is financed is a joke.

Who is the alternative: Jose, great personality, but seriously boring football, Guus, he won't leave the Russian mafia. No other big names out there, Lippi, Cuper etc,they just don't cut the mustard. Certainly no other manager from the prem.

It hurts to say this, but look at Arsenal, a club not transformed over night, but over a period of time. From boring 1 nil, to, at times, some of the most exciting football on the planet. All because the manager had a vision and he was backed to the hill.

Lets buck the trend and back our team, god only knows its hard, but when we see Stevie lifting that trophy, my lord, that will be the sweetest feeling ever.

Just have faith

Ross

One down, One to go!

Big Sam is gone, Benitez to go! I sat in the living room of 'ranting Isaac' at the start of the season. Before i continue, let me give you the websters definition of the word season: "A period of the year marked by special events or activities in some field". With that in mind, the first day of a football season is a time marked with overwhelming positivity and optimissim by football fans across the land. We are all equal on the start of that day.

With those positive words ringing in my ears, I then uttered to 'ranting Isaac', Kofi, Namdi and anyone else who cared to listen to me: "£10 Benitez will not be manager of Liverpool by the start of next season!"

Those words were met with a scorching glance from 'ranting Isaac', and a dismissive snigger from Kofi. I now truly believe that with all things football, my "football 'pundit' boys" tune out when I pipe up! Those uttered words, has made me a leper!

However...we are in January and the departure of Benitez seems as certain as Britney spears' next beaver outing/public cry for help! It is that certain that i'd be surprised if the bookies are even taking bets on it!

Why so, I hear some of you say? Lets examine some facts: He tinkers far too much and often to the detriment of the team; He has become increasingly single-minded in his approach, which in moderation is good for a manager, however it has started to isolate him from his coaching staff and resulted in the departure of Pako Ayesteran, a severance of an 11 year working relationship!

Don't get me wrong, Benitez has a proven pedigree and there is no doubting his credentials. He lead Valencia to a league and UEFA Cup double, overcoming the likes of Real Madrid and Barcelona in 2003/04 season. It is some achievement especially as it was Valencia's second La Liga title in three years under Benitez.

Conversely though, there is no doubt that Liverpool is working progress and we are not gonna get it right straight away, no matter the manager. But we can all agree that Benitez does not help himself with his decisions.

Benitez has had money, but he has bought badly with it. For a man who loves to rotate, he hasn't invested in a quality squad. Only Reina, Torres, and Alonso can be regarded as quality signings by Rafa. So my opinion is why give him more to throw away?

The Americans haven't helped either, they do not have the deep pockets as the pomp and glamour of their arrival indicated. How embarrassing now that after prematurely going public on our radical stadium plans, they are now struggling to refinance the loan and its spiralling costs and can't even spare the cash to secure Mascherano's services! Either they're tight fisted or the dollar to pound exchange is encroaching their nether regions and without bringing the KY! (I bet they use both sides of the toilet paper as well!)

Benitez is regularly linked with his home town club Real, yet he consistently reaffirms his love of the club and desire to stay. Lets face it Rafa, you want to stay because deep down you know, like in Valencia, you wouldn't have full control in Real Madrid, even though it is his home club. How d'you like those apples!

I expect an apology boys and a re-initiation into our football circle when the inevitable happens.

Your boy Diamond D

Return of the Goal Poacher?

The emergence of Eduardo in recent weeks as one the Premiership’s best finishers has left me to consider whether the traditional goal poacher has returned with a vengeance, or whether he is just an example of a dying breed.

There are many examples of the goal poacher over the years. Players such as Gary Lineker, Ian Wright, Tony Cottee, Michael Owen, Alan Shearer, Robbie Fowler and Filipo Inzaghi. These were strikers who would probably sell their arm to get a goal. If the only way they could get a ball over the line was to get an erection and bone it over the whitewash then this is what they would have done. Fans adored them and opposition players hated them. They would capitalise on defensive errors and lapses in concentration and punish the opposition ruthlessly. They would be a bit like those good looking guys who would used to just go out walk up to a girl in a club, look her in the eye and be taking her home in a taxi 5 minutes later. However, things are different these days. When you meet a girl in a club, you have to run game on her, tease her, play with her and put in significant amount of hard work before sealing the deal. Just being good looking isn’t enough.

Anyway, back to the footballers. The one thing that these strikers had in common is that they would largely do sod all else during the game and were often conspicuous by their absence. They would probably let their strike partners do all the hard work and then just come in and take the glory e.g. Emile Heskey was Michael Owen’s bitch at Liverpool (and probably still is).

These types of striker were priceless though and could be relied upon to knock in 20-30 goals a season. However, looking around the game now, it is clear to see that this is a dying art form. Don’t get me wrong, there are still plenty of goal-scorers around but they are a complete different type of breed. They are a more complete footballer, more agile, stronger and capable of scoring more spectacular goals. No longer are footballers just allowed to stand around for 89 minutes and then just bundle in a last minute winner from 6 yards.

Defences are stronger, their concentration levels are better, players are more athletic and more organised and the traditional goal getter is in danger of being as extinct as a dodo. Let’s look at the top strikers in the Premiership. Berbatov, Torres and Drogba. These guys are top athletes, with exceptional technique and strength. They worry defences for a whole game never giving them a minutes rest. They help set up their team-mates as well as all having the ability to slalom past 2-3 men and arc one in the top corner. Could you ever imagine someone like Tony Cottee or Mick Quinn doing this? Of course not, these guys couldn’t even beat an egg, let alone an opposition player.

However, the emergence of Eduardo over recent weeks has given renewed hope that there is still room in the game for the traditional marksman. I have watched a number of Arsenal games in recent weeks and Eduardo’s finishing has been exceptional. He does what all strikers should do, and that’s finish his dinner. However, apart from this in his game he doesn’t have much else in his locker. His hold up play isn’t great, he isn’t the best passer, he doesn’t have a great deal of pace and isn’t particularly strong. But you can always rely on him to stick it in the onion bag when it matters most. In fact, most of his attributes are completely different to that of the guy he replaced, Thierry Henry (who is still struggling to find his va va voom at Barca).

Perennially injured Michael Owen has struggled to regain his goal scoring touch and is finding goals much harder to come by then when he was at Liverpool. Compare him to players such as Berbatov who has Owen’s finishing ability plus other attributes to boot. Strikers at international level are now required to be complete players, and just having the ability to finish is no longer sufficient to make you a feared player on the world stage.

Ruud van Nistelrooy has had to change his game at Madrid to keep up his incredible scoring record. I remember one season at Manchester United where he scored about 40 goals and only one was from outside the 18 yard area. Now though, Ruud boy has added to his game in all areas in an attempt to be a more complete centre forward.

So is the emergence of Eduardo a sign of things to come or is he merely a Prince shaped anomaly on the football landscape? Only time will tell….

Sunil

Isaac's Random Rants....Short Wright-Phillips & Fat Sam

**Pictures are to scale**

Gary Coleman Out Jumps Joleon Lescott!!!

For my first rant on the blog, I thought I would start with an amusing tale of how a midget out jumped a fully grown man. Watching the Carling cup semi final between Chelsea and Everton, I could not believe my eyes, when I saw Everton throw away the match and in the last seconds of the game let half man, half Gary Coleman leap above Lescott to force an injury time winner.

Allow me to digress briefly and give you a little insight into the man that is Shawn Wright-Phillips. On a night out in London, I had an encounter with Mr Wright-Phillips in a popular London club called Embassy. Whilst in the Gents, doing what one does, I found myself standing next to a very small man at the urinal. To my shock, this small fellow happened to be Mr Wright Phillips. As he looked up to me and directly at my genitalia(giving you an insight into how tall he really is), we did the customary black man hello, which for those who do not know is simply a nod of the head. He then proceeded to say “I can’t stay here for much longer, some of us have work in the morning.” You can imagine the look on my face as I thought to myself, “I wish I could piss on your head, you short bastard.”

Now looking back at the Chelsea, Everton game you can understand my sheer disbelief at how Lescott allowed Wright-Phillips to not only out jump him, but to also intimidate him enough, so that he conceded an own goal, it wasn't exactly Drogba was it?

All I ask is that Lescott, never ever ever ever play for England again, because he is a coward. I don’t care if Wright Phillips has go go gadget legs, he is still half the man his father is, literally.

Here is a video of the embarrassing incident.

I've F*cked Up Al, Let's Leap Again........

The sacking of Sam Allardyce, has brought a timely reminder of how cruel the game of football can be, but who really cares, because his style of football at St James' Park was absolute shite. The departure of big Sam as manager of Newcastle has left me some what nostalgic. To this end I find myself reminded of another great Sam. Who? I hear you ask. Well, Sam Allardyce’s journey at Newcastle is similar to that of Sam Beckett. For those who are not old enough to remember, Sam Beckett was the lead character in the hit TV show Quantum leap. Sam Beckett would leap between parallel universes, each time hoping that the next leap would in fact be the leap home, meaning he would never have to leap again.

Now, Sam Allardyce made a quantum leap of his own, from Bolton to Newcastle, but unlike Sam Beckett, big Sam has been told to, f*ck off home!

This was one leap too far Sam, so imagine what would have happened if big Sam had been given the England job. Liken this to Sam Beckett leaping into a universe where he was a porn star with a 2 inch penis, and quite simply not qualified for the job at hand. The England job would have been something bigger than quantum, Sam's intergalactic black whole, huge space, heaven like leap. Thankfully we didn't have to experience this, so lets all congratulate the wonderful and insanely fickle folks at Newcastle for showing us something that we all knew. Sadly, somewhere in a parallel universe he is England manager, but there is no Al to get him the f*ck out of there.

Thank your lucky stars English nation, for not rolling snake eyes, with a very dodgy Dyce.

Till next time, Isaac out.

P.s for those who are wondering what happened to Sam Beckett, the answer is he is currently managing Chelsea football club.

Calm Down, Calm Down...Carragher In Fan Fight Fury

Jamie Carragher was today at the centre of a probe (not anal I presume) after he allegedly challenged Luton fans for a fight after the shambolic performance against the Hatters on Sunday evening.

Carragher is no stranger to such charades, who could forgot that classic moment against Arsenal when he picked up a coin which was aimed at him and threw it right back into the crowd. It later emerged that the fan in question had merely offered Carragher a penny for his thoughts.

Full details have yet to be confirmed as to how the latest incident came about, but it is rumoured that a few Luton fans, dressed up in Scouse wigs and moustaches were giving poor Jamie a bit of stick during his warm down and telling him to “calm down”.

Now, whilst I can understand his annoyance, and the exact details cannot be confirmed it does appear to be a case of another footballer acting like a prima donna. It appears that Carragher was trying to pick a fight with a bunch of fans who probably take a couple of years to earn what he does in a week for about 3-4 hours “work”. Why could he just not ignore them, be the bigger man and walk away. Is this really the way professional sportsman should act?

How often did you see Shane Warne jump in the crowd and with a Jimmy Fly Super Snuka Splash after being taunted for being fat? No, what he instead did was bowl out the whole England team to silence them. In other words, he got on with his job and let his talent do the talking.

It’s about time these idiots starting acting with a little dignity. Abuse isn’t nice, don’t get me wrong, but reacting in such a way is only going to further damage the reputation of top flight footballers, especially when confidence in them is at its lowest ebb for many a year.

Sort it out lads.

Sunil

F.A. Cup Ups & Downs.....

Going Up
The lower league teams and the Magic of the cup....

Well well well, who would have thought it. Many may say that the premiership teams have not taken the cup seriously this season, but regardless of this fact, it is undeniable that the minnows have outperformed the overpayed prima donnas. The list of premiership casualties is as long as ever with Everton, Birmingham, Bolton & Blackburn all crashing out horribly, with Newcastle, Derby, Fulham and Liverpool surviving literally by the skin of their teeth. Also special mention has to go to Burnley who gave the premier league leaders arsenal a real scare, and if they had realised they had to put the ball in between the posts and not over them, then maybe just maybe they could have pulled off a shock result.

Luton

Probably the only time you would celebrate a draw more than you would a win. Many would begrudge Liverpool for not donating their share of the proceeds from the game, but seriously why should they? Fair play to Luton though, they got the result they deserved, and it was interesting to see a group of players who had not been paid for 9 weeks compete and literally outplay a team with players who earn millions a year. The money they will get from the replay will be some reward, but sadly this club may still cease to exist before the replay is even played.

Man Utd, Villa Park & Rooney


Man Utd cruised through to the next round thanks to a superb cameo appearance from the boy who makes you wonder, rather than the boy wonder Wayne Rooney at United's second home, Villa park. Will Villa ever have their way against the boys from Manchester? Which man would let someone come into his home and rape and pillage his belongings? Well the boys from Villa park lay down and take it everytime when Ferguson comes to town. Grow some balls guys.

Chelsea

They may no longer be the richest club in the world, but atleast they defeated the newly crowned richest club in the world.

Fat Sam
Almost, almost out of a job, but somehow he his hanging on.

Parkin


When he was coming on for Stoke against Newcastle, I said to myself, what the hell is this monster coming on, he is easily the fattest footballer I have ever seen. No need to ask who ate all the pies, it was clearly him and he ate all the deserts too. But he came on and completely changed the game, and almost won it for Stoke at the end. Feed him Feed him so he doesn't get hungry.

Going Down

Liverpool & Dirk Kuyt

Words cannot describe how bad Dirk Kuyt was at the weekend, he simply is not a footballer and thats the conclusion i have come to. Throw a ball for a dog and you will get a similar performance. Awful. The entire Liverpool team were not much better, with a display so bad it reminded me of the days when Houllier was turning corners. Absolutely disgraceful.

Lower League Finishing

Yes, they may be footballers of lower quality, but surely they must all be aware of where the goal is. Some of the finishing that i observed over the weekend, was some of the worst i have ever seen. Most notably at Burnley, Luton and Stoke, they should all be hanged for crimes against football. They probably couldn't finish a sentence or even a wank. Terrible.

The Premiership

They get paid so much more than their lower league compatriots, but that difference in pay did not represent a difference in class on the pitch. Unfortunately Derby's performance in the premiership suggests that their is this disparity for good reason.

The "A" Team

I know there are many people out there clamouring for me to unload a fully loaded clip of dispair on my beloved Liverpool FC but at this moment i still cant bring myself to unravel the embarrassment of seeing Titus deliver the knockout blow to yet another title campaign. I'd rather talk about some other more interesting aspects of the somewhat painful but still beautiful game.

So upon looking at various football matches across the country, we have witnessed these funny celebrations in which the player creates an "A" with his hand. I think the first person i saw do it was Andy Johnson, so naturally i thought he was doing it to symbolise his name. No mystery there then. Next week a few more players started doing it, from Marcus Bent to another players whose name i just cant bring myself to say anymore. So I'm thinking what the hell is this all about then, does this "A" represent a girl they all roasted, and they decided to pay homage to her? Or did it represent the grade they got for passing their GCSEs at the 15th time of asking?

After doing a bit of super duper journalism and interviews, I found the answer. To my horror the "A" actually represents something good for the world of football. It represents a charity started by Andy Johnson and "One Size" Fitz Hall which is trying to restore the good name of footballers that has been tainted by so many, most notably Joey Barton in recent times. The charity aims to help underprivileged children by showing them that there are role models who don't glamourise guns and drugs, and they can achieve anything they want if they put their minds to it. I think this is a really great idea, and all my respect goes out to all the footballers involved in the project. The website is http://astar-global.com/index.htm be sure to check it out and support it.

Who would have thought that footballers would have been smart enough to think up a marketing campaign for the charity. I could imagine them discussing it, and saying when they scored they would do the celebration, with Titus Bramble nodding his head in agreement, and then everyone stopping and laughing at him knowing he would probably never score another goal in his career. well, looks like the jokes on them and me.

West Brom - Arsenal of the Championship

Just to show that there the Chamionship is not just full of kick and rush football, here are a couple of videos showcasing the talents of the Championship's top fliers, West Bromwich Albion.

The Scunthorpe game was like a Goal of the Month competition held in one game

West Brom vs Scunthorpe

West Brom vs Charlton