I Love Dirk Kuyt....

After the unfortunate events of Grand Slam Sunday, I then received this email from a mate of mine who supports Man Utd, have a read for yourself, it was aptly titled "I Love Dirk Kuyt".

"He epitomises everything about why your pathetic club won't win the title. Oh how I laughed every time he miscontrolled the ball....but don't worry, you've got Alonso coming back! Shudder!

Pathetic, utterly pathetic Kofi. Your big man bravado has yet again blown up in your face as your insignificant little club is out the title race before Xmas yet again - now it feels like Xmas..
.

I just love heading for our annual 3 points at Anfield where Fergie proves he's the master to Benitez's totally inept tactics...Oh we beat Marseilles to finish second in the easiest group in the Champions league, we're the greatest side on earth. F*cking laughable.

Now please, please take your Stevie "I go missing in every game against Man United" Gerrard and Fernando "I'm learning the Liverpool way about choking against Man United" Torres and f*ck off back to fight for third. You have an insignificant club who's only aspirations are to fluke yet another cup victory on penalties. Leave winning titles to the big boys.

Oh, and you Chelsea, you are not out of it yet, but that defeat makes it very, very tough. I know you're missing players, but you're gonna be missing a whole lot more in Jan...."

Premership Ups & Downs

Going Up

Man United

The Champions ground out a terrific win at Anfield to pretty much end the title challenge of their fiercest rivals. In truth, they were rarely tested by Rafa’s men and their defence was superbly marshalled by Rio Ferdinand. Rio has merked Liverpool in recent seasons with last gasp winners but his performance on Sunday was a master class in defending. He and Vidic would have thrown themselves in front of a speeding bullet if they had to protect their lead on Sunday. Meanwhile, Anderson aka Predator again showed he has the potential to be world class player with a fearless display in the middle of the park. Man Utd must be considered the favourites for the title now and 7 points out of 9 against their three main rivals could be crucial come the end of the season

Arsenal

The Gooners maintained their title challenge with a deserved win over Chelski at the Emirates. Whilst this wasn’t their greatest performance of this campaign, the 3 points could prove massive at the end of the season. Seeing them charge forward in the last 10 minutes was a joy to behold and they probably deserved a bigger scoreline.

Watching Arsenal beat your team is like watching your best mate sleep with your wife. You don’t want to look, but you can’t help but admire it.

Yakubu

One of the most under-rated players around, his excellent form is helping Everton on their charge towards a European spot. Compare him to someone like Dirk Kuyt and you wonder if Benitez has maybe bought the wrong striker.

Man City

The best home record in the Premiership, what else can you say about that.

Tottenham

A first away win of the season for Spurs means that they pull away from the Premiership drop zone. They even managed to keep a clean sheet. I think the last time that happened, Elvis was still alive.

Going Down

John Terry and Emmanuel Eboue

Karma is a bitch isn’t it boys?

Liverpool

Liverpool once again flattered to deceive in the big game as they were shown to be short on creativity and that spark to get them back into the game. From a neutral/Closet Gooner’s point of view Liverpool’s attacking game plan seemed to rely on whacking the ball 50 yard forward to the head of Torres and hoping to feed on the scraps. Whilst they may not be a totally long ball team they can be a bit direct, with there being few occasions where they generally cut through Man Utds defence or got in behind them. Riise and Arbeloa barely crossed the halfway line in comparison to Evra and Wes Brown. Benitez has shown in Europe that he has the tactical nous to nullify opposition teams, but in the blood and thunder of the Premiership, his cautious approach could prove to be his downfall. I can remember only one occasion where Stevie G ended up the opposition penalty area and Torres was non existent, mainly because he was having 60 yard balls pinged at his head from the most ridiculous angles. Until Liverpool develop a more expansive game plan for the Premiership, then it is hard to see them challenging for the title.

Portsmouth

Pompey’s poor home form continued as they again drew a blank against Tottenham. That’s a bit like being in a room with Jenna Jameson, Jenna Haze and Tera Patrick and still failing to score. Pompey will have half their team disappear in January because of the African Nations so don’t be surprised to see them slide down the table in the next few weeks.

Roy Keane’s missus

Having seen the Irishman raging after Sunderland were denied a last gasp winner I would love to have been a fly on the wall at his home over the weekend. I hope he had calmed down a bit or else I seriously fear for his wife’s life.

Derby

When your new manager admits you are going down after only a week in charge you know it’s all over.

Blackburn

Conceding five goals in one game is bad enough, but to do it against the might of Wigan was a pretty shambolic effort. I think the last time Marcus Bent scored was when he banged Danielle Lloyd so to let him score three times in 90 minutes is criminal. Special mention though to Santa Cruz (lovely Xmas pun there) who managed to score a hat trick and still finish on the losing side.

Garth Crooks

Can someone please remove this man from TV? NOW. Having currently moved flat I am deprived of the brilliant Jeff Stelling and have to put up with the inane ramblings of the former Spurs midfielder on BBC 1 on Saturday.

The guy is simply a complete and utter idiot. He never seems to answer the question which he has been asked and tries to make every response sound like a General Election speech or something. His analysis of games is piss poor to say the least and every time I see him I just want to put my fist through the TV screen and throttle him. It’s almost as bad as listening to Jacqui Oatley.

Shevchenko, Cashley Cole and Fat Frank

Poor old Andrei reminds me of a porn star who is still working at the age of 90 years old. You know that one day he had talent and skill but quite simply he is past his best and out of his depth. It’s hard to believe that this big lump was once one of Europe’s best strikers. He is now only a good player on Pro Evo and Championship Manager respectively.

Cashley is going down this week as the greedy bastard gave a lovely V-sign towards the fans who used to line his pockets. He has also been shown that Gael Clichy is probably a better player than him and that Arsenal came off better in the Gallas/Cole exchange. An embarrassing day all round for Cheryl’s squeeze. I just wish I could squeeze that little fucker to death.

As for Fat Frank, despite his huge size, he once again managed to disappear completely from view in a big game. I am pretty sure that when he tried to take a free kick he was actually aiming for a deflection…what a twat.

Ronaldo
Just for being a diving cunt

Lawrie Sanchez

His attempts to turn Fulham into Northern Ireland have failed spectacularly and Fulham are looking like they could be going down this season. His list of excuses is getting embarrassing now. I wouldn’t be surprised if next week he blames the tea lady for his team’s inept performance. Does he ever have anything sensible to say?

Sunil

Kofi's Perspective on Grand Slam Sunday...

So yesterday was grand slam Sunday, a day filled with so many expectations for so many people, but after being told that Leon had won the X-Factor, I knew all wasn’t right with the worlds equilibrium. My day started quite positively, I woke up slightly hungover from the night before, but I did recall memories of having a few wagers with my Man Utd supporting mate, all in all I was quite confident of a Liverpool victory. I get to the pub, get a nice seat and watch the simply ridiculous hype on Skysports. For some reason they had a boardroom full of ex footballers giving their defunct opinions on how the day’s events would pan out. Why do these "experts" get paid? Their professional insight on the premiership usually extends to telling us that any team that wants to win the title will have to finish above Man Utd. Oh really?

Anyway back to the game, so I was patiently waiting for the team sheet, furiously hoping that Crouch would start and the workman Kuyt would simply drop off the face of the earth and not just onto the bench, but sadly I was disappointed. I was still very optimistic about the game though, was my optimism unfounded? So we get to kick off, and as the first 45 minutes fly by I notice a pattern reminiscent of many other games against Man Utd. We create a few clear cut chances, dominate possession but somehow by some divine right we simply cannot put the ball in the net. So the question was how long until we get sucker punched? Low and behold on the stroke of half time Tevez nips in to score. How predictable was that? We simply didn’t turn up creatively, and it was quite clear that it wasn’t going to be our day. Kuyt was as awful as ever, we were playing with 10 men whilst he was on the pitch, god knows why Rafa has so much faith in him. Gerrard persisted on playing the quarter back role for most of the match, surely he wasn’t scared of Anderson? Torres literally disappeared from the pitch in the second half. Rio put in the performance of his life, and when you defend like that you have a chance wherever you go. They truly are champions, and I think that’s what frustrates us Liverpool fans the most.

So as I watched the last 45 minutes wind down, I sat there thinking will I ever see a Premiership title in my lifetime? Every year we are full of so much hope, but now it seems like there is a dark cloud over Anfield, something that simply wont allow us to do as well as we should be doing in the league. Something tells me that if we were playing a champions league semi final, then we would have won this game and that saddens me. Why can’t we get motivated in the premiership?

After drowning my sorrows with a couple of shots of whiskey I sat down to watch the Arsenal Chelsea game, which involved four of the most despicable human beings to grace the Premiership. Many of them getting what some might say they deserved. I think on reflection it probably should have been a draw, but without Drogba in the side Chelsea lacked the cutting edge required, and they desperately need to spend some cash in January. You seriously have to question the business acumen of Chelsea F.C, how the hell did AC Milan get 30 million pounds for Shevchenko, I will say it again, 30 million pounds!!!!?????? God knows what that can buy these days, but for some reason it can’t get you a striker who can run or score. Strange. Also, Chelsea got rid of Gallas(one of the best defenders in the league) for 5 million and Ashley Cole(One of the biggest …… in the league), and in the end it has come back to haunt them, seriously Kenyon what the hell are you doing?

When John Terry went off injured after a vintage Eboue tackle, you knew Chelsea were in trouble, and Ben Haim is not a suitable replacement. Sidwell, Ben Haim and Pizzaro? Simply awful Business, even for free and not squad depth that Chelsea need. Chelsea have been unlucky with injuries, but with the ANC around the corner, things will only get worse.

How apt was it to see the most detestable characters in football scrapping with each other? John Terry vs Fabregas/Eboue and Ashley Cole vs Fabregas. John Terry clearly tried to injure Fabregas which makes him a twat, but can you blame him? I am not the sort of person to wish injury on a player, but many will say that seeing Eboue go off injured was divine retribution for his double sending off last week. Fabregas is a brilliant player, but is a tedious annoyance, how long before someone punches him clean in the face, his hypocritical play acting was a disgrace and what more needs to be said about Ashley Cole? How classy of him to salute the fans who used to adore him with a cuntomary(spelt incorrectly on purpose) 2 finger gesture.

Overall I went home learning a few things about the top 4, that Liverpool will probably have to wait another year, Man Utd have the luck and steel of champions, and are the team to beat, Chelsea’s 1^st team is awesome and would have beaten Arsenal, but with a few injuries they are lacking and Arsenal are going to be there until the very end, but its not a 2 horse race just yet.

Men In Tights, Theatrics, Grand Slams And Wrestlemania.......

I remember my school days, I was and sadly still am sometimes a big wrestling fan. From the Royal Rumble to Summerslam, I was constantly enthralled by seeing some of the biggest names in sports entertainment, touch, rub and caress each other(eewwww) . It was always Wrestlemania which I had a soft spot for, it usually fell on or near my birthday and the hype surrounding it was ridiculous. The build up for Wrestlemania would often begin a year in advance, just as the curtain had fallen on the last one. From the video montages, to the trash talking to the crazy insane fans speculating what might happen, Wrestlemania was one of those events that you felt you simply couldn't miss, purely because of the out of control marketing campaign and I have to say I literally lapped it up.

So how does this relate to football you might ask? Well, on Sunday we have another one of those grand slam events, with a hype machine almost as ridiculous as what you see in wrestling week in week out. Apparently the fixture list is generated in a totally random way, but I'm not so sure, how is it possible that the big four play each other on the same day for the second season in a row? Either way Super Duper Annihilation Judgment Grand slam Sunday will be as important as ever, the games probably wont live up to expectations, but the ramifications for the title race are clear for all to see. A win for Liverpool and Chlesea is probably a win for the premiership, whilst a win for Arsenal or Man Utd could see the the premiership leaning towards a 2 horse race.

We wont see any men in tights on Sunday or the most electrifying move in sports entertainment, but expect all the razzmatazz of a Rock vs Stone Cold extravaganza, with all the similar theatrics provided by the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo or Joe Cole. Make the most of it people , because you probably wont witness another one soon(note the sarcasm). Who would have thought that Wrestling had so many similarities to a footballing weekend involving the top four.

Another Liverpool Player Gets Robbed..

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/merseyside/7140110.stm

Steven Gerrard became the 6th Liverpool player to be burgled, as he led his team to a triumphant away win in Marseilles. I have a few queries though, where the hell was his security? After seeing many of your teammates get robbed, why didn't you think to invest in some serious protection? If all my mates got STD's by having unprotected sex, I would then use all my pocket money to purchase as many condoms as I could hold, to avoid getting burnt. Steven Gerrard is on £120,000 a week, he should have the SAS patrolling his house. Hasn't 50 cent got FBI agents for protection?

**Roast Watch** Mobile Phone Special

Another day another story involving too many footballers and too little women, this time involving some unnamed Irish footballers, involved in "roasting" a brunette in their football kits whilst other footballers looked on.


http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/0912_soccer_stars_orgy.shtml

Any ideas on who the footballers are?

My money is on John O'shea and Robbie Keane.

Premiership Ups & Downs...

Going Up

Derby

An away goal, wooohooo, pop the champagne.

Man Utd & Chelsea

You cant really celebrate beating Derby & Sunderland at home because these games are simply formalities, but Man Utd and Chelsea fans must have been indulging in a few thousand celebratory wanks after seeing Arsenal and Liverpool slip up. Lets be honest, these two teams are the big 2 of recent years in terms of success, and its Arsenal and Liverpool who will need to apply the pressure. Their current form looks ominous. Lets hope that Super Duper Grand Slam Annihilation Judgment Day Sunday (courtesy of Skysports TM) throws a few more spanners in the works to make the title race the most exciting ever.

Portsmouth

They have the best away record in the league, and are right in amongst the top spots. Unfortunately Africa will rob them of most of their good players in January, but for now they can celebrate having a dodgy but brilliant manager and a great team, with so much power and pace its scary. Just look at how Muntari bundled Reo-Joker off the ball on Saturday, the word “owned” comes to mind.

Yakubu & Everton

A great hattrick, which was marred only by the awful female commentator Jacqui Oatley on match of the day. Jesus wept. The most prolific striker in the premiership over the last four years apart from that French dude, feed him and he will eat all your groceries, but give him some good service and he will score loads of goals. Everton are on a superb run of form, bar the Clattenburg show in the Merseyside derby. They will probably be the closest team to any of the top 4 come the end of the season.

Giggs

100 goals = Legend

Tottenham Hotspur

Finally a win against a decent side, although it was slightly fortunate. Maybe now spurs can go on that charge and snatch that 4th spot. lol

Going Down

Liverpool, Voronin, Riise and Momo

A team harbouring dreams of lifting the premiership title does not necessarily have to win every game, or go unbeaten for a whole season , but what you must do is win games against the lesser teams away from home. You have to wonder what goes through the mind of Benitez sometimes, after your best spell of the season, you then decide to play a formation similar to something out of a horror show.

Yes Reading were very fortunate, and Liverpool probably should have taken the points, but there are some seriously bad smells in the Liverpool team which need to be eradicated if things are to progress how they should.

Voronin – To quote a Jay-Z line “Had a spark when you started, but now you’re just garbage” When you get past the porn star cult status, and amazing ponytail you don’t really have a great player, even for free he doesn’t seem worth the money, but to be fair to him he was playing on the wing, totally out of position.

Sissoko – Where has this premiership player disappeared to? At one point he was a superb wrecking ball of a player, now he is simply awful and lacks the most simplest of skills in football. Momo’s greatest achievement this season will be passing to a Liverpool player twice in a row, if he does that he will surely be up there for sports personality of the year next season. Awful.

Riise – Cant cross, cant defend, has no pace, has no positional sense, but he can hit a ball 200 miles per hour, not a great gimmick anymore seeing as he hasn’t scored a goal this season.

Combine these 3 with Rafa’s crazy tactics and you have a recipe for disaster, putting Crouch on the left wing is like asking Rhydian from X-factor to perform 50-Cents’s new single, it was a complete and utter horror show. I personally think Rafa has every right to rotate, but only with the correct players, players with a degree of quality. With Rafa substituting Gerrard with 20 minutes to go you have to wonder where his priorities lie, will a European knock out spell the end of Rafa or a resurgence in the league?

Arsenal

The invincibles became the invisibles at the Riverside, we always wondered whether their squad could handle injuries to key players, and clearly they struggle without Hleb and Fabregas. Their midfield on Sunday was as creative as splashing paint on a canvas and calling it art. Without their injured midfielders arsenal may struggle over the busy Christmas period. They certainly need one of Hleb or Fabregas to return for the Chelsea game or they could be in big big trouble.

Eboue

An odious, treacherous, scumbag, disgraceful, cheating, child murdering ……(insert as many negative expletives as possible) type of player.

Ronaldo

As talented as he is, he still feels the need to dive like an absolute twat, you have to feel that the referee last week is now fully vindicated for giving him a yellow card. Funnily enough you didn’t see Fergie come out telling the world that Ronaldo conned the referee, of course you didn’t.

The Fa Cock-Up

I hope you are all loving my Sun style headline, I think its great. Anyway, last week we saw the draw for the FA. Cup 3rd round, and predictably enough Man Utd were drawn away to Aston Villa again, and are ultimately out of the cup, because like I said before its always Christmas for the champions at Villa Park. So I did some detective work and came across a video on YouPorn, sorry I meant YouTube, which seems to suggest that Villa drawing Man Utd was due to an absolute cock up with the draw.

Here is the video, notice Sammy Nelson attempting to cover the number of the second ball after apparently reading the number wrong on an earlier ball which meant Villa got Man Utd. This looks like the worse cover up since Enron tried to convince the world that they were a well run company.

Ref Justice, Broken Fetlock and Mr Potato Head.........

Well....how about that then, that feeling in my gut that the Toon would get a point wasn’t just the previous night’s Chinese.

The game itself wasn’t the most entertaining...although I did miss the opening 25 minutes due to being at a Christmas dinner. AdebayCAN SCORE, opened it up with a beautiful goal, but after that, the lack of Arsenal chances was quite out of character...that’ll be the lack of creativity I predicted then.

Newcastle for their part played as I expected, like their manager’s job depended on it. Maybe that statement they made was sincere. However, as with the honeymoon period that follows a new manager being in put place, I think they’ll be back to their usual ways within a couple of games.

Overall though, Newcastle deserved their point, and I don’t think Arsenal fans will be overly disappointed with a point in the arse end of nowhere on a cold December night. It’ll be interesting to see how they get on now against Boro on Sunday, the same players will be missing and whilst Boro have been pants this year, this will be a chance to raise their game and prove their not a bunch of wasters.

A mention for Mike Dean as well, what an absolute waste of space that man is. Twice in the final 5 minutes, Adebayor was threatening to break away from whatever rubbish defender was tracking him, and was twice bundled over quite clearly. Yet the useless wanker didn’t give a thing....joker.

Elsewhere on planet football, the Toffees got a late winner against the new Russian champions, and secured qualification to the last 32 of the UEFA Cup....but does anyone really care though. Maybe only if you had Arteta in your fantasy team and had to watch him miss a penalty.

On-the-Bench’s newly crowned worst diver (or should that be best?), Didier Drogba’s could be ruled out until February with a knee injury. Good news for the rest of the chasing pack, because as much as I hate the ugly cunt, he seems to bring a lot to the team. I’m sure Phillipe Senderos will be having much sweeter dreams knowing that there’s no chance he’ll have to face him next week. It’ll be interesting to see who replaces him up front, because the Chavs always seem a little light up front beyond the big man, Kalou and Shevchenko don’t quite pose the same threat, and is Pizarro even still alive?

The England manager search rumbles on, with Brian Barwick (or Mr Potato Head as he was compared to in one of those crap free London newspapers), trying desperately to find someone willing to take the job. The reports today are that his ‘short’list is Maureen, Cappello, Klinsmann (surely it would be suicide to appoint a German, personally I don’t give a flying fuck, but the xenophobia in the papers would be alarming...we’ve seen it before!), Lippi and O’Neill. Not a bad bunch really, but who seriously thinks he’ll get any of them. Barwick just doesn’t seem to have the personality to convince some of those greats to give up their life, and private life, for a cause they won’t exactly bleed for. We all know money talks, but imagine having that fuckwit as your potential boss. I’ve been getting major déjà vu about this whole process, this is how it all played out two years ago, and ended with McClown being appointed....my prediction, he dicks around for a few weeks, gets rejected by all the big guns (again), like a fat girl trying to get a prom date, and winds up with Fat Sam once the Toon has reverted to type.

Luis Hernandez

Guest Article...Fat Sam, Bill Clinton and The Village People

Big up to Luis Hernandez for today’s article, which he managed to complete whilst at work. Great to see he has his priorities in order.

“Some random thoughts for a cold Wednesday morning.

The big match in the Premier League tonight sees the mess that is the Toon Army take on the current Leaders. You ask anyone at the moment, and it’s an expected easy three points for the Ashburton Grove crew, and you can see why.

Newcastle are just in disarray at the moment. Big Sam is apparently dealing with player revolt after making Geremi captain, and because of his crap tactics. Of course the players in question have released a statement saying it’s not true and they back the manager, but its as convincing a statement as Bill Clinton’s Lewinsky one “...we did not have sexual relations with that Walrus Headed Cunt!” Yeah right boys, we believe you. What amazes me about the Toon at the moment is their defensive frailty. I don’t get how a team that gets shot of Titus ‘the Shambles’ Bramble, doesn’t automatically get better, it beggars belief, but they’ve managed it. And this from a manager who had Bolton as a pretty tight defensive outfit. What is in the water in the North East? Maybe that now that the big man has ‘decent’ players at his disposal he’s decided to try and play football and is now being found out for the hoof-ball merchant he is.

I’m not convinced though that it’ll be nice and easy for the Gunners. They’re decimated by injuries at the moment, and almost exclusively in midfield. For a while Wenger was collecting central midfielders like an Arab King putting together a harem in the old days, but its paying off. Missing will be Cesc, Diaby and Hleb (after Carew’s cynical chop on Saturday...but that’s ok he’s playing for a battling team so it’s just professional). That’s a lot of creative talent missing, but then again how much do you need to really cut Newcastle open like a festive turkey? Probably not much. I’d imagine the least creative Brazilian in the world, Gilberto, will come in, but he adds a solid base, so will hopefully give that scrotum bag Joey Barton a good kicking. I’d like to see Theo have a run out too, should scare the shit out of that defence.

For me the thing that will determine the game is if the mutinous Toon players decide to play well to show their support for their manager. We all know the effect that having your backs against the wall can do to galvanise people...like accidentally finding yourself in a nightclub for a Village People gig. I’ll follow the herd and predict and Arsenal win, but I don’t think it’ll be easy, and I can see the Northern bastards nicking a point.

Elsewhere, Celtic scraped through to the next stage of the Champions League, although how pissed must the Shakhtar Donetsk team and fans be today, it would have been a real story if they had made it through, and instead they bottled it big time...although not an unfamiliar story at the moment is it?


John Terry has said that Maureen should be made England manager. If ever there was a more odious man in football than ‘butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth...but you better not give one of us a fucking red card ref of I’ll hunt you down’ John Terry, then I’m open to suggestions. Considering the free reign that Chelsea players had to be complete chavs in various London nightclubs under Jose, I’m not sure he should be given the opportunity to do it again considering the spotlight on the national team, but then again he is a decent manager. It seems to me that he’s playing Brian Barwick like the kind of cheap slag John ‘I love my wife I do’ Terry probably hunts for; he’s giving her some attention in the hope that some fittie will see all this and swoop in to rescue him from the fat girl. We shall see I guess.

One final mention for West Brom too. Could have gone top on Saturday after Watford bottled a massive lead over the last month, and then they go and get spanked last night by the mighty Coventry....at home! What is going on......”

Luis Hernandez

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