Premership Ups & Downs

Going Up

Man United

The Champions ground out a terrific win at Anfield to pretty much end the title challenge of their fiercest rivals. In truth, they were rarely tested by Rafa’s men and their defence was superbly marshalled by Rio Ferdinand. Rio has merked Liverpool in recent seasons with last gasp winners but his performance on Sunday was a master class in defending. He and Vidic would have thrown themselves in front of a speeding bullet if they had to protect their lead on Sunday. Meanwhile, Anderson aka Predator again showed he has the potential to be world class player with a fearless display in the middle of the park. Man Utd must be considered the favourites for the title now and 7 points out of 9 against their three main rivals could be crucial come the end of the season

Arsenal

The Gooners maintained their title challenge with a deserved win over Chelski at the Emirates. Whilst this wasn’t their greatest performance of this campaign, the 3 points could prove massive at the end of the season. Seeing them charge forward in the last 10 minutes was a joy to behold and they probably deserved a bigger scoreline.

Watching Arsenal beat your team is like watching your best mate sleep with your wife. You don’t want to look, but you can’t help but admire it.

Yakubu

One of the most under-rated players around, his excellent form is helping Everton on their charge towards a European spot. Compare him to someone like Dirk Kuyt and you wonder if Benitez has maybe bought the wrong striker.

Man City

The best home record in the Premiership, what else can you say about that.

Tottenham

A first away win of the season for Spurs means that they pull away from the Premiership drop zone. They even managed to keep a clean sheet. I think the last time that happened, Elvis was still alive.

Going Down

John Terry and Emmanuel Eboue

Karma is a bitch isn’t it boys?

Liverpool

Liverpool once again flattered to deceive in the big game as they were shown to be short on creativity and that spark to get them back into the game. From a neutral/Closet Gooner’s point of view Liverpool’s attacking game plan seemed to rely on whacking the ball 50 yard forward to the head of Torres and hoping to feed on the scraps. Whilst they may not be a totally long ball team they can be a bit direct, with there being few occasions where they generally cut through Man Utds defence or got in behind them. Riise and Arbeloa barely crossed the halfway line in comparison to Evra and Wes Brown. Benitez has shown in Europe that he has the tactical nous to nullify opposition teams, but in the blood and thunder of the Premiership, his cautious approach could prove to be his downfall. I can remember only one occasion where Stevie G ended up the opposition penalty area and Torres was non existent, mainly because he was having 60 yard balls pinged at his head from the most ridiculous angles. Until Liverpool develop a more expansive game plan for the Premiership, then it is hard to see them challenging for the title.

Portsmouth

Pompey’s poor home form continued as they again drew a blank against Tottenham. That’s a bit like being in a room with Jenna Jameson, Jenna Haze and Tera Patrick and still failing to score. Pompey will have half their team disappear in January because of the African Nations so don’t be surprised to see them slide down the table in the next few weeks.

Roy Keane’s missus

Having seen the Irishman raging after Sunderland were denied a last gasp winner I would love to have been a fly on the wall at his home over the weekend. I hope he had calmed down a bit or else I seriously fear for his wife’s life.

Derby

When your new manager admits you are going down after only a week in charge you know it’s all over.

Blackburn

Conceding five goals in one game is bad enough, but to do it against the might of Wigan was a pretty shambolic effort. I think the last time Marcus Bent scored was when he banged Danielle Lloyd so to let him score three times in 90 minutes is criminal. Special mention though to Santa Cruz (lovely Xmas pun there) who managed to score a hat trick and still finish on the losing side.

Garth Crooks

Can someone please remove this man from TV? NOW. Having currently moved flat I am deprived of the brilliant Jeff Stelling and have to put up with the inane ramblings of the former Spurs midfielder on BBC 1 on Saturday.

The guy is simply a complete and utter idiot. He never seems to answer the question which he has been asked and tries to make every response sound like a General Election speech or something. His analysis of games is piss poor to say the least and every time I see him I just want to put my fist through the TV screen and throttle him. It’s almost as bad as listening to Jacqui Oatley.

Shevchenko, Cashley Cole and Fat Frank

Poor old Andrei reminds me of a porn star who is still working at the age of 90 years old. You know that one day he had talent and skill but quite simply he is past his best and out of his depth. It’s hard to believe that this big lump was once one of Europe’s best strikers. He is now only a good player on Pro Evo and Championship Manager respectively.

Cashley is going down this week as the greedy bastard gave a lovely V-sign towards the fans who used to line his pockets. He has also been shown that Gael Clichy is probably a better player than him and that Arsenal came off better in the Gallas/Cole exchange. An embarrassing day all round for Cheryl’s squeeze. I just wish I could squeeze that little fucker to death.

As for Fat Frank, despite his huge size, he once again managed to disappear completely from view in a big game. I am pretty sure that when he tried to take a free kick he was actually aiming for a deflection…what a twat.

Ronaldo
Just for being a diving cunt

Lawrie Sanchez

His attempts to turn Fulham into Northern Ireland have failed spectacularly and Fulham are looking like they could be going down this season. His list of excuses is getting embarrassing now. I wouldn’t be surprised if next week he blames the tea lady for his team’s inept performance. Does he ever have anything sensible to say?

Sunil