Ups & Downs...

A few weeks ago, I posted an article saying that I was disillusioned with football and that I had lost all faith in it. Well fast forward a few weeks and its safe to say that I am back in love with The Beautiful Game. And of course, this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my team has a great chance of winning the FA Cup ;-) . Here are the latest Premiership and FA Cup Ups & Downs.

Going Up

Barnsley
Although many people could argue that Barnsley's win over Liverpool was slightly fortunate, I don't think that anybody who witness Saturday's performance could argue that they ran out worthy winners against Chelski. Well, unless they are Alex Ferguson and Carlos Queiroz, but we will come back to that later.

Using a simple tactic of whacking the ball up to Odejayi of Barnsley, Avram Grant was hopelessly outwitted by his Barnsley counterpart Simon Davey as the Championship side turned over last season's winners. I am not entirely sure why Odejayi is not playing basketball rather than football but his massive presence made sure that Terry and Riccy C had one of their worst experiences in recent years as they were bullied off the ball left, right and centre.

Barnsley created plenty of chances and there was some heroic defending in the final stages. If the CIA needs any new bodyguards then perhaps they should employ the whole Barnsley team because these guys would have thrown themselves in front of a speeding bullet if they had to.

I don't think anyone can argue that these guys deserve to win the Cup after knocking out two of the big 4 in such spectacular fashion.

Portsmouth
Going to Old Trafford is never easy and Pompey had to ride their luck in sometimes ridiculous circumstances before securing a win which suggests that their name might just be on the cup this year.

How on earth Distin cleared that ball of the line I am not entirely sure and the winner was created in rather comical fashion as Rooney and Anderson were left as the last 2 defenders in an attempt to stop Baros breaking clear. Sulley Muntari showed that his balls were as big as the power of his shot as he lashed the ball past Rio Ferdinand to hand Pompey victory. I can think of many places that Rio would rather have been then standing in the line of fire of Muntari, with the obvious contender him being on Facebook organising one of his legendary Roast Parties. He may as well have been actually as Muntari ripped the ball past him to silence Old Trafford.

West Brom
The final scoreline of 5-1 was a touch flattering but don't write of the Baggies for the Cup this year. Though their defence is suspect to stay the least, they have awesome goalpower as demonstrates at the Memorial Ground. Ishmael Miller was the pick of the players for the Baggies with an excellent hat-trick. West Brom will be hoping for a better trip to Wembley than last time where they lost to Derby in the play off final. How the fuck they lost that day is one of life's greatest mysteries along with who shot JFK and how on earth Michael Jackson's kids are white. Answers on a postcard please.

Torres and Gerrard
I think that these two might have some kind of Dwight and Andy thing going on because the way they combined against Newcastle was simply irresistable. Many people say that Liverpool used to be a one man team but now they are definitely a two man team as the Torres-Gerrard axis tore Newcastle to shreds. The Reds are in fine fettle at the moment as they continue to steam forward with their traditional excellent form after Christmas. Who knows, perhaps its something to do with that much criticised rotation policy...?

Going Down

Alex Ferguson and Carlos Querioz
I have generally hidden my disgust at all things Manchester United in recent seasons, whether it be the ridiculous timekeeping, the amount of filthy winners they used to get back in the day or Ferguson's constant whinging and moaning. However, my feelings have died down in recent years as a result of Fergie mellowing out and United being one of the best footballing sides in the country. That and the fact I have a load of their players in my Dream Team.

Anyway, Ferguson and Querioz brought back memories of the good old days with their quite ridiculous criticism of the referee Martin Atkinson during Saturday's defeat against Portsmouth. As far as I could see, the ref only got two things wrong on Saturday. One was not awarding Ronaldo a penno after being body checked by Distin. The only other error I could see that he made was possibly not sending off Wayne Rooney after he launched himself at Nico Kranjcar (who was to have the last laugh). For a hysteric Querioz to say that the referee should himself have been sent off was simply hilarious, but for him to say that Pompey's Diarra's tackling was akin to Taylor's leg breaker on Eduardo was simply disgraceful. Lets get some perspective here, Eduardo nearly lost his foot whilst Ronaldo was simply pushed over a few times and the only thing he would have got damaged was his haircut. (talking of which, what exactly does he put in there? Fergie's spunk?).

All in all it was hilarious to see Man Utd blow a catlaogue of chances and then end up with Rio Ferdinand getting merked by Sulley Muntari in the dying minutes.

Middlesborough
When your own manager admits that you froze on the big occasion at home against a team in the lower half of the Championship then you know that you have balls like cashew buts. Boro were outlclassed in every department as they were embarrassed in front of their own support and live on National Television. The last time I saw a performance that bad was when I watched John Travolta in Battlestar Galactica (just for the record, I didn't actually see that film , but you get the gist).

Wigan's Pitch
Allowing a town to play rugby and football on the same pitch? In this day and age? The same for both sides it may be but this pitch could be the deciding factor in Wigan staying up as it really is a leveller of prodigious proportions.

West Ham and Alan Curbishley
Losing 4-0 in three successive games is pretty shambolic no matter who the opposition as the Hammers remain firmly lodged in mid-table. Alan Curbishley looks set to continue his not so envious record of having a terrible 2nd half of the season whichever his club may be at. Perhaps they should get 2 managers, one for each half of the season. Worse still was the sight of Dean Ashton looking like Mido up front. i.e fat, slow and rubbish

Avram Grant
For Avram Grant read Ronaldo and Thierry Henry i.e big game bottler. The Israeli looks like a dead man walking at the moment (literally) and surely the writing is on the wall. His team looked disinterested, lacking fight (unless Terry is rucking with Ten Cate) and surprisingly short on quality as Luke Steele didn't have to make save of note during the whole game. I think its fair to say that we won't be seeing this miserable fucker on our screens next year. Jose must be loving it at the moment.

Mark Bright
Is this guy Garth Crooks in disguise? Get this clown off the TV. Another waste of licence money methinks.

Phil Bardsley

A truly disgusting tackle to prove that 90% of footballers are as thick as shit after everything that has happened in recent weeks. How he didn't break Fernandes' leg is a mystery really.

Sunil

An extract from Torres' autobiography.....

Even as a Liverpool fan I thought this was kinda funny, this was stolen mercilessly from the bbc message boards. Enjoy


"Flying into Manchester airport for the signing was one of the most exciting days of my career. The limo transferring me took a while longer to reach the ground than I expected but once there I was greeted by a sea of red. The chanting and atmosphere were brilliant and it all passed by in a blur.

Once inside the ground I was greeted by the manager, the first time we had met face to face. He was a lot heavier than I expected but spoke to me in good Spanish which made me feel most welcome. We went straight into a conference room for the official signing.

After I had put pen to paper the manager turned to me and said "Welcome to the biggest club in the World".

I said thank you and asked "When will I meet Wayne and Cristiano"?

There followed about ten minutes of confusion from which it transpired that there are two clubs in the North West of England known as the "Reds" and my idiot agent had got them mixed up.

However I had signed so had to get on with it. Benitez was known as the "Gaffer". I asked Stevie G (the only other player at the club who could control the ball) why this was.

He explained that in English "gaffe" is an embarassing mistake. Apparently even the owners called Rafa "gaffer".

All I can do now is play really well and hope that Real, Barca or possibly Barnsley come and save me from my nightmare.

Some days after training I drive from Liverpool to Manchester and sit outside Old Trafford and dream of what might have been. I can sit there for hours.

Then Stevie will nudge me and say "Come on Nando, we have to go back".

We drive silently back to the gaffer.


Taken from "How did I get here?" by Fernando Torres.

Who's Worse....Alan Smith or Emmanuel Eboue?

I write this article as I watch Emmanuel Eboue miss a golden chance to put Arsenal ahead in the San Siro. By the time I get to the end of this article we will find out if this miss was to ultimately prove crucial.

Watching the terrible miss made me realise what a shambolic player this guy is. He can't cross, he can't tackle and he sure as hell can't shoot. And aside from that he is one of the most despicable characters in the game, with his play acting tactics, his filthy tackles and his insistence of trying to get opposition players booked by waving an imaginary card. I am sat here thinking, he surely in total is one of the most horrible footballers in the modern game?

But then I thought, hold on what about a certain Yorkshire cunt-head called Alan Smith, currently plying his trade at Newcastle. To be fair to Smithers, he did show some early promise at Leeds United under David O' Leary and many people seemed to revel in his "never say die attitude". However, I personally thought that Alan Smith was a filthy bastard, always flying late into tackles and winding up the opposition for no apparent reason other than to try and get them embroiled in a fight.

Smith cried when Leeds got relegated from the Premiership but those tears were quickly wiped away I am sure when he joined the team Leeds hate more than anyone, Manchester United. His Judas stature in Leeds folklore was secure.

Smith's tenure at Man Utd started off pretty well but soon descended into mediocrity as Fergie, realising that Smudger was a shit striker, attempted to deploy him as a midfielder, with equally disastrous results. Fergie's attempts to turn him into the next Roy Keane turned out to be as effective as turning Hurley from Lost into a supermodel.

Smith broke his leg against Liverpool and during this spell on the sidelines he scored as many goals as if he would have been playing. None.

In the summer, Smith moved to Newcastle for a whopping £6m, despite only 7 goals in 61 games for Man United, a truly terrible record for a striker. That's almost a worse scoring record than me (almost).

However, Smith has tried to excel himself in his ineptitude by scoring no goals for Newcastle so far. It is actually true that if you stuck a monkey up front then they couldn't have a worse record. In fact, why not just play with 10 men. Add to this the fact that he is still a thug and the only thing Smith can be proud of is that he once banged Gemma Atkinson, though having heard her sex-ploits, she probably has a pussy like a wizard's sleeve (or clown's pocket, take your pick).

Rumour has it that Smith also has an IQ of 88, a score so low I didn't know it existed.

So who would you rather not have in your team, Smith or Eboue? As the guy from Blind Date would say, the choice is yours

Sunil

P.S As I write this Adebayor has just secured a 2-0 win meaning that Eboue's howler was not punished.

P.P.S Even as a closet Gooner, I wish people would stop going on about this "team spirit". That term is something only used when teams win isn't it, where does it go when team's lose eh? So shut the hell up about it.

2 Angry Men......

I agree with you all that what Gallas did was petulant and a poor show, but I didn't deny that. My point was that Cahill was a pussy if he was crying when he celebrated his goal, and would normally get the piss ripped put of him. Instead its alright cause he showed some emotion.

Im sorry but losing a family member to 6 years in prison >>>>>>>>> losing 2 points in the premiership. Those are the facts, if he is a pussy for crying over this what the hell does that make William Gallas?


Gallas had spent the week consoling Bacary Sagna who's brother had died unexpectedly. He had then seen one of his teammates get his leg broken in two. Following all of that he had then seen his team draw the game due to a potentially dodgy decision in the last seconds of a tense game. Its not meant to be a sob story, but what I'm getting it is...hey, the guy showed some emotion when there was a lot going on. Shit happens.


This seems a little ridiculous, im sure Bacary has family that can console him, I think you are taking the idea of captain abit too far here, his leadership is on the pitch. I seriously doubt that Bacary needs a father figure like Gallas to look after him, im guessing he went back home to be with his family. I know Arsenal fans like to laud the family like atmosphere but i think thats taking it a bit too far. Next you will be telling me that they all have Sunday lunch together and babysit each others kids. Yes there was alot going on but seriously it wasn't the worse thing to ever happen on a football pitch, but that was probably one of the worst reactions.


But saying all that whilst I understand his reasons I do still he should have sucked it and been more of a captain. But I do think some of the reaction to it has been as OTT as his own.

I agree.

As to the whole Eduardo thing, I'm not quite sure why people think Arsenal fans are acting as if he died. I personally am sad for one of our players being injured, and wish him well. If others are taking that too far and 'grieving' then it seems to me to be a minority. But I don't see why that should really bother other fans. If a player on your team got his leg cracked like you'd all think that's a bitch, good luck to him getting back, and maybe even sing his name at a game. Haven't we been saying recently how crap supporters are for not connecting with players and vice versa?

You are not sure why? Seriously? I think sane Arsenal fans like you Jockstrap, need to realise that are alot of myopic and deluded fans too. The grieving and hypocrisy has been around for all to see, he has received over 25000 get well messages, is that not a bit excessive. Cisse broke both his legs, can you even recall what kind of reaction there was? It was a shame and all us Liverpool fans moved on even though we are labeled with the "minutes silence" mourning mentality. This Eduardo incident is just another bad injury, which he will recover from. This is not another David Busst, So why does it seems like it?

Maybe its because of all the death threat bollocks, but I think that's been blown well out of proportion. Most of it seems to be sad internet warriors blowing off steam, and croatian fans who had a decent chance at the Euro's before this.

I seriously doubt this, yes Croation fans are pissed, but you will find that its precious Arsenal fans who have created the monster that is the anti Taylor sentiment, all starting from the great example Wenger set.....

As to Wenger pissing people off...I could care less. We constantly listen to Alex Ferguson spouting shit and its just the way it is. Besides the reason you hear more than when we're not competing is because the media is more interested in the team and has papers to sell. I don't many managers actually arrange press conferences to give their views on the footballing world.

Ferguson does not spout nearly as much shit as Wenger does, he is the master of bullshit. Yes he retracted his statement about Taylor, but why do you think he did so? It wasn't because he genuinely regretted what he said, it was because his media advisors told him to retract it or face another FA charge. He stinks of hypocrisy, literally reeks of it. The challenges by Flamini, Eduardo himself and Gallas against Man Utd in the cup were just as disgraceful as most challenges I have seen this season. What were Wenger's comments about these? Has he ever once come out to apologise for the behaviour of players such as the incredulous Eboue? Let he has the cheek to call for Taylor to be banned, if so then Eboue should be beheaded.


Oh well...that's my rant over. Personally I think the team is in the middle of probably choking, but I don't think its the team's mentality that's the problem, but not having a strong enough squad. Also Man U are just a much much better team than us at the moment. For the money we've spent (rightly or wrongly) we're not doing to bad for ourselves, and if we don't win it, which I've always doubted we will, then we've had a good season and a much better one than was predicted by everyone. And if we do win it y'all can kiss my arse!! :-)


This sounds like another "small club punching above its weight" excuse that I've been hearing for years and years. If you win it, its because you have had 5 years to nurture a group of young players forsaking any success within that time, now they are maturing. Arsenal are the only club who can afford to do that, it wasnt long ago when I heard Arsenal fans calling for Wengers head, but only now they have realised he was building something. So don't make excuses, about your squad not being strong enough because that simply isn't true. If you win it I will give respect where respect is due, but I for one hope that it doesn't happen, because I simply could not bare a summer of newly bought Arsenal shirts floating around my house. Rant Over, as you can tell I am not the biggest Arsenal fan.

Cult Heroes.....Djimi Traore

I was chatting to my friend Saran the other day when a conversation cropped up about this month's Goal of the Month competition. It was in reference to Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink's screamer against Wolves in the FA Cup, where he rolled back the years with a sublime dummy. "That guy is a legend" we both agreed.

That got me thinking of how many other legendary Jimmy's there were. Jimmy Bullard, a constant figure of fun, Jim Rosenthal, the brilliant ITV presenter and of course Jim "here is what you could have won " Bowen, former presenter of Bullseye.

Below is a video of the hilarious Bullard



Anyway, as much as a legend that Jimmy Bullard is, there is truly one Jimmy that can hold Cult Hero status, and that man is , you guessed it, Jimmy with a D, Djimi Traore.

Traore is one of life's great conundrums. A bit like Brigitte Nielsen, you sometimes wonder what on earth they were put on this planet for, but ultimately you can't take your eyes of them. Djimi was signed by Monsieur Houllier during his time on Merseyside for a mere £500,000.

Djimi didn't really flourish during this time and found his first team chances fairly limited and when he did play he hardly inspired any sort of confidence, defending with all the nouse of a 18 year old smacked off his tits on heroine.

Things got that bad that Everton nearly signed him during Houllier's last season in charge, but thankfully for Liverpool fans, this move didn't materialise. The lowest point in Traore's ill fated career was in the FA Cup Clash against Burnley where he somehow managed to perform the Zidane drag back in spectacular fashion. Unfortunately for him, it was in his own 6 yard box and the hilarious own goal sent Liverpool tumbling out the cup. The words Bambi on Ice don't come even close in trying to describe the debacle.



However, like all Cult Heroes, Djimi showed that he had the cojones when it mattered and months later performed heroically in the Champions League Victory against Milan in Istanbul. His goal-line clearance from Sheva just made you know at the time that it was destined to be Liverpool's night. So Traore has now gone down in history as possibly the worst ever player ever to win a Champions League Medal. However, my friend Saran has confirmed that his honour falls to David May, which I don't think many people can really argue with.

His ineptiude is probably best summed by this chant spawned by the Kop to the tune of The Jacksons and "Blame It On The Boogie"

Dont blame it on Hamann
Dont blame it on Biscan
Dont blame it on Finnan.
Blame it on Traore!
He just cant,he just cant, he just cant control his feet!

Here is a clip of Djimi's only Liverpool goal, just to show that he can actually play a bit.




Djimi Traore....WE SALUTE YOU!


Sunil

My Weekend Football Rants......

Have Arsenal blown it?

After the most ludicrously crass and irritating Eduardo(RIP) saga, Gallas' wetting his pampers with his childish petulant strop and Man Utd literally breathing down Arsenals necks, you have to start wondering whether Arsenal's "kids" can hold their nerve and win the title. From my observations they were very fortunate to win the match against Villa and the animosity between Adebayor and Bentdner is clear for everyone to see. Wenger believes that they don't need to get along to coexist in the side, and he probably has a point, but we all know how well a strike partnership can work when you are more than just friends, just ask Dwight and Andy. Man Utd have as much experience in the position as Jenna Jameson has doing doggy style, so this probably makes them the favourites, and lets not forget Chelsea who are a footballing cyborg motoring through all their games with no remorse and care for the women and children of this world. Its going to be tighter than a.............. I think ill just stop there with the dirty analogies.

Hypocrisy?

Where will it end? Some Villa fans were removed from the Emirates for singing songs aimed at Eduardo. Personally I think its awful, but can we have some consistency from Arsenal fans who have rung me up to complain about all this over the weekend. Was it not Arsenal fans singing songs about Auschwitz in recent games? Or haven't missed the point that the apparent murder of one footballer on the pitch is worse than the deaths of 6 million Jews? Lets have some perspective please.

Is there anything more hilarious than the whole Newcastle debacle?

As we cleverly and expertly predicted(not exactly rocket science), Newcastle are an absolute and utter shambles of a team at the moment under the leadership of teh great King Kev. Keegan is not necessarily to blame, he has inherited a mangled squad, which is a Frankenstein-esque creation of Mike Ashley and Big Sam. The defence is non existent, just how much space was Matt Derbyshire afforded for his last minute winner? What more needs to be said about Michael "I want to win trophies" Owen? His career has taken a spectacular nose dive and it couldn't have happened to a nicer man. Hopefully he can reignite his career as the best striker in the championship. Newcastle probably need to win 3 more games to be safe, and reach that magical 40 points mark, it probably will happen, but the hilarity of seeing them even in contention of relegation after seeing some people i know drop their life savings on Newcastle to be the top team outside of the top 4 is simply priceless. Just to top it off, the Pedersen and Bai altercation was probably the pinnacle of my weekend TV viewing, simply hilarious. Who needs only fools and horses when you can just sit in St James park on a Saturday afternoon.

So, what was with the emotional Tim Cahill you might ask?

well, Tim Cahill's brother was jailed for 6 years for partially blinding someone, which was the reason for the handcuffs celebration and crying when he scored. Misguided? maybe. But surely footballers are human, they have emotions too, so lets give the guy a break. Some of the typical overreacting to the incident has been a little bit OTT.

Who will get 4th spot?

Everton look good, this is a fact that cant be denied. The Yak is in sparkling form at the moment and they have a decent squad too. Villa look decent also and were unlucky not to win at the Emirates on the weekend, whilst Liverpool are just starting to pick up some form after a truly awful premiership season. Lets get one thing straight, Everton will not be playing champions league football next year, and if they did they would simply embarrass the nation like they did last time. The people that believe they will make that 4th spot are the ones who would love to see Liverpool out of the competition they always seem to do well in. All my mathematical modelling calculations have led to the same outcome, which has Liverpool in 4th and Everton in 5th, lol. Well I hope I'm right and these comments don't come back to haunt me. If you have time on your hands head over to the BBC game predictor thing, yo will probably come out with the same outcome.

Frank Lampard.

Why do all the west ham fans love Joe Cole but hate Frank Lampard? Well I think its quite simple really. One is a very talented and humble footballer whilst the other is an overweight lump of uselessness, yes I know im being harsh, but hey thats my prerogative. Nothing gave me more glee than to see him get sent off for his stupid petulant reaction to Boa Morte, although seeing mouth to Boa Morte that "You're a C*nt" was quite hilarious.

Has Avram grown some balls or has Ten Cate completely taken over now at Chelsea?

Leaving out 2 of the world's best players takes some guile, I don't think many teams in world football could afford to drop Essien and Drobga. Maybe he is saving them for the champions league, using a rotation system that only one man in the Premiership seems to get vilified for. Hmmmmm

When will they ban Makalele for life?

His tackle on Faubert was simply horrifying, life threatening, riot inducing and may even have been the cause of the black death. He could have sent him to the morgue to lay in rest with Eduardo. Will justice prevail?

Van Persie or Van Porcelain?

Apparently this man isn't actually dead and could feature against Milan, can anyone confirm this? If he is fit, how long until he's broken again?

How well has Al Fayed done?

He has almost turned Fulham into the Man united of the south. Good work man, now enjoy the championship.

My Thoughts On Teddy Sheringham.

Great payer who had a great career, and was fortunate enough to be banging 20 yr olds when he was in his 40s, probably the best headerer(sic?) of the ball in recent times, simply superb. Unfortunately I take back all my praise for him because he is an utter bellend, and anyone who has met him in real life like I have, will agree with me.

Will Fergie ever stop Felating Benzema?

We know what you are up to Sir Alex, please stop it, its not amusing and hes only 20 years old.

David Beckhams Condoms.....

Is there anything that this man won't brand? Seriously, where do we draw the line? He has branded some Chinese condoms with some hilarious tag lines and photos to go with them.

Bedroom eye? What the hell is that? Why have they chosen such a ridiculous picture to put on the packaging? What the hell is the world coming too? "Now with less lead and toxins", I don't know about you, but I don't want any lead and toxins near my private parts.

Nothing much to say here really, I think the picture tells the whole story. Can the marketing manager of this condom brand please give me a call, we need to have a serious conversation.

David Moyes, says what we have all been thinking....

David Moyes has been accused of racism by the Nigerian football association for making claims against the real age of Yakubu. African footballers suffer greatly when it comes to whether they are the age they say they are, Ghana and Nigeria always seem to do well in competitions with age restrictions. It really makes you wonder why that hasn't always translated to future senior success, but if a bunch of 25 years olds are playing in an under 17s world cup then there really isn't a chance for everyone else is there. In senior football you then have a bunch of 40 year olds playing youngsters so now the tables have turned.

Freddy Adu is a good example, apparently he is 18 years of age now, but my mother claims that she went to school with him, so make what you want of that, just kidding. God knows how old Roger Milla was when he played in the 1994 world cup, apparently he was 42 but he may have been much older, and who knows how old Okocha is right now. My Nigerian friends always tell me its a fact that their ages are fabricated, especially as some of them may have attended school with older siblings. For example look at Kanu, he claims to be 32, and this is him as a 20 year old. Hmmmm

Yakubu claims to be the only a few months older than me, as some of you may know, I look very fresh faced, if Yakubu looks 25 then i probably look 12.


Freddy Adu is 18 allegedly, well I hope he is or the dirty thoughts he is having about Jojo in this picture would be oh so wrong.


At the end of the day who really cares, they are all great players anyway.

Here is the David Moyes story in full

Nigeria fury over Moyes comments

The Nigeria Football Association (NFA) has written to the English FA asking for Everton manager David Moyes to be sanctioned.

Moyes questioned the true age of his striker Yakubu Ayegbeni and of Nigerian players in general.

"He's only 25, albeit a Nigerian 25, and so if that is his age he's still got a good few years ahead of him," Moyes told the Guardian newspaper.

NFA spokesman Ademola Olajire says the comments have embarrassed the country.

"His statement is insulting to the Nigerian nation and unbecoming of a Premier League manager," Olajire told BBC Sport.

"We don't take kindly to snide remarks about our players, or our nation and we have sent a strongly-worded complaint to the English FA.

"Seriously, we will go at any length to ensure he is brought to book to explain his comments."

Moyes was speaking after Everton's Uefa Cup win over SK Brann on Thursday.

He was praising Yakubu, who scored a hat-trick.

Spur's Fan Gatecrashes Team Photo

After all the news surrounding Eduardo's snapped banjo it has gone un-noticed amongst many people the hilarious incident after Sunday's Cup Final where a Spurs fan managed to gatecrash the celebrations after the extra time win for Ramos' side.

It is not quite sure how the man managed to escape the clutches of security but fair play to the Spurs team for helping to join in the fun by spraying him from head to toe in champagne. Here he is below enjoying his 15 minutes of fame


The image brought back memories of when Karl Power, a Manchester United fan, managed to sneak into the team photo for a Manchester United Champions League Game. The same man also managed to merk the England cricket team by posing as one of their players when a new batsman was called in, though to be fair if he had actually made it all the way there is no chance that he could have done any worse than any of their actual players.




To add to this, there are vicious rumours circulating that an a miserable Israeli man with a face like a slapped arse has managed to convince the public and Roman Abramovich that he is the manager of Chelski football club. However, apparently this has been denied vehemently by Peter Kenyon who say that everything is completely under control. Kenyon also confirmed that Ashley Cole is currently having the time of his life and that he couldn't be feeling better at the moment

Sunil

WTF!!!, moment of the weekend....

There are moment in football that just make you chuckle sometimes, I have never really hidden my disgust for all things Real Madrid, so this incident on the weekend against Getafe has bought a wry smile to my face. The perennially injured Robben thought he had scored, but sadly it was disallowed for some odd reason, Getafe then duly played on and scored the winner leaving everyone totally bemused. Absolutely brilliant, the gap is only 2 points now. Come on Barca.

**Tw*t Watch**

I think we are all aware of how stupid Stephen ireland is, he is famed for pretending his grandmother had died to get out of an international game and posting on an internet website under a stupid username expressing his hatred for the beautiful game. Can we forget his strip show celebration or his simply ridiculous hair transformation. But now he has taken his insanity a step too far, with his purchase of a 90 grand range rover with pink trim. Enjoy some pictures of Ireland in all his twattish glory.

De- Motivational posters of the weekend....

Tottenham players get a bit too excited....

Well, only a few hours after completing the biggest triumph fro Tottenham football club in years, some of the lads decided to take a trip to Faces nightclub, where Ledley got a bit too hammered, to hilarious effect, just look at the pictures below. What the hell will Juande be thinking? Unfortunately no stories of any roasting have appeared yet, but give it time and im sure something will turn up. Danni Lloyd was there so surely something must have gone down, possibly her.

Premiership Ups and Downs

Going Up

Man Utd

They can smell blood, only 3 points behind the leaders now, and bare in mind that before the game against the shambolic Newcastle they could have potentially been 8 points behind. With Rooney and Ronaldo in scintillating form it will be difficult for any man to back against them, the strength they have in depth at the moment is kinda scary, and even the man of glass got a goal, things must be looking up. The sight of Gallas having a strop will simply just add more fuel to the Man Utd title charge. Well done William.

Spurs, Woodgate and King

Its been a long 9 year wait for Tottenham fans, but now they can celebrate a “major” trophy, the sight of spurs players crying may lead many to chuckle, but fair play to spurs for turning around a simply atrocious season. They are no assured of a European place which was probably a distant thought a few months ago. Woodgate and King are 2 simply superb defenders, its just a shame that they spend more time on the treatment table than they do on the pitch. I genuinely think that next season with Ramos at the helm and some decent mid fielders apart from the awful Zokora then spurs will have a chance at a top 4 finish.

Liverpool and Torres

After all the pre season discussion about Torres and whether he could hack the premiership, its quite clear now that all the doubters were clearly wrong. After Torres hattrick at the weekend, he now has 15 goals in the league and 21 in all competitions, that is a wonderful return for a debut season, its just a shame the rest of the team are simply not good enough at the moment. Liverpool were very fortunate to collect the 3 points but regardless of how bad Liverpool have performed this season, they are still favourites for that last champions league spot, and we all know what Rafa can do in the champions league, he is simply the master of the big occasion. Could this season actually be turned around? maybe.

Theo Walcott

Although his 2 goals were overshadowed by all the events against Birmingham, he took his chances well. They were his only 2 goals in the premier league this season, which isn't a great return. Fortunately for Theo he wont have to endure another hype fest because I don’t think anyone actually noticed or cared that he had scored by the end of the game.

Roy Keane

His comment about the Sunderland players being overawed by the “superstars” at Portsmouth and hunting them down for autographs was simply hilarious, it wasn’t like they were playing Man Utd or Chelsea was it.

Going Down

Arsenal football Club

Edurado's injury was an absolute shocker and we all hope that he recovers as soon as possible, I don’t think there was intent or malice in the challenge and it was clearly an unfortunate accident. I was actually wondering if Eduardo was killed serving in Afghanistan, the outpouring of grief has been over the top, will there be a minutes silence in the next match? did anyone see those guys holding up an Eduardo shirt at the end of the match? Lets get some perspective here please.

But it was the reaction of Arsene Wenger which was was simply disgraceful, calling for a player to get a life ban because of a bad tackle is simply ludicrous, look at this tackle by henry below, clearly a more intentful tackle than Taylor's but luckily he didn’t break any legs, but should he be banned for life for it?

I bet Wenger probably didn’t see it. His myopic views and hypocrisy show no bounds, how many times has condemned the petulant and human annoyance that is Eboue? Was it ok for Gallas to kick Nani off the ball? Does he condone infighting from his young stars? Can a man complain when he has created the biggest bunch of diving cheats the premier league has seen? I could list them all for you but I wont, because I think we are all aware of who they may be. Arsenal had all of the play and were unlucky to drop points, but in reality the game should have been wrapped up well before the injury time penalty. Why didn’t Adebayor pass to Bendtner, when he was clearly open? I think we all know why. Wenger needs to take a long look at himself and keep his mouth shut from now on, but i don't think he will.

EDIT

The amazing and intelligent arsenal fans have also started a petition to get Taylor banned for life, words really do fail me.

http://www.petitiononline.com/mataylor/petition.html

Gallas

The man needs a separate paragraph for his totally hilarious tantrum, what the hell was he thinking? Fair enough you are upset and want to cry, but why not save it for the dressing room? Don’t you realise that Ferguson and co will be watching? It will only give them more confidence seeing their rivals look like they are crumbling. Quite possibly the worst excuse of captaincy I have seen in my lifetime. Grow some balls or change your nappy.

Avram Grant

Clearly a big match bottler, his team selection look inventive at first, but was ultimately just plain wrong. Why put Lampard in, when Ballack was playing so well? Why put Anelka on the wing where he is clearly ineffective? He was totally outfought and out thought by Ramos.

Juande Ramos

Im sorry but his English was just plain poor, does anyone else know what he was saying apart from being velly velly happy?

Newcastle

They are now in serious danger of going down, they are the laughing stock of the premiership. I predicted that bringing King Kev back with this awful squad was a total recipe for disaster, and i'm sure there are a lot of us who would love to see them relegated as a punishment for their stupidity. Any team that concedes 11 goals in 2 games to any other side in the premiership needs to take a serious look at themselves, I doubt even Derby have suffered like that this season.

Michael Owen

No he is not back, he is finished, he is shite, and im not buying the “he doesn’t get the service” excuse, no point getting service if you simply cannot run anymore. Awful, even more hilarious because we all saw what happened when he arrived, it was like a cup parade, there were screams of champions league football and top 4 positions. hopefully now the Newcastle fans will finally shut up, although i doubt it, so expect another outpouring of delusion when they sign another over the hill overrated ex superstar.

Carton Cole

Some of the worst finishing I have seen from a striker in the modern era, well dome son.

Dean Ashton

If Carlton Cole is keeping you out of the team, then you have some real problems, what the hell happened to England's great big hope? Now hes just big.

Champions League Questions....

Why couldnt Rafa motivate his team for Barnsley as well as he did for Inter?

Is C. Ronaldo the biggest of all the big game bottlers or can he blame the lasers?

Why was Arsenal's most loyal player kissing the Barcelona badge?

And why did he give the silencer after he scored his goal?

Will Adebeyor rue the day he missed the easiest header of all time?

Is Eduardo still the best finisher in the world?

Why have Man Utd got so much undeserved luck in world football?

Has anyone else noticed that Tevez looks like the incredible hulk, Juninho looks like Adam Goldberg from Entourage and Materazzi looks like John Turtorro?



Is Aiden McGeady actually that good or just another overhyped youngster?

Is Pato actually the second coming of Christ or just another overhyped teenager?

Is Benzema basically now a Man Utd player?

Is there a worse away destination than Turkey?

Did Avram completely bottle his team selection, and maybe thats why he got death threats?

Who wants to kill Avram? Mourinho?

Are Liverpool and Milan Devaluing football by concentrating on the Champions League?

Will we actually see an all English final or will Arsenal, Chelsea and Man Utd bottle it again?

Is Messi now the best player in the world?

Can Kuyt now be forgiven for all his awfulness throughout the season?

When will Rooney learn to finish chances? He's messing up my dream team.

Why was Shevchenko hitching a ride in the Milan team bus?

Did anyone else think Shevchenko was dead?

Will Rafa winning the CL save his job or just paper over the cracks?

Can you find me a more detestable human being than Eboue?

Answers on a postcard...

FA Cup Ups & Downs...

Well after nearly losing faith in football this weekend's action has helped bring me back from the doldrums. Here are the latest ups and downs....

Going Up


Barnsley

Although Liverpool are a shambles at the moment you can't deny the achievement of coming from behind at Anfield to knock out Premiership opposition. After being denied a stone wall penalty in front of the Kop, Brian Howard promptly got off his backside, bundled his way past Alonso and slotted home to send the Barnsley fans into raptures. I am pretty sure that there were fans crying in the ground and who can blame them. Alonso was clearly brewing at the final whistle as Howard had to bully him into swapping shirts as the Spaniard realised that it was the guy who merked him who wanted his jersey. It was also a journalist's dream as the inevitable "Howard's Way" and "Howard's End" headines surfaced.

There was a touch of fate about it as Barnsley fielded an online goalie making his debut who had the game of his life to keep the score to 1-0 and 1-1 respectively.

Showboating

People can say what the fuck they like but I personally thought that Nani's showboating was brilliant against Arsenal. In a game which recently has shown signs of going down the pan, moments of talent and skill should be savoured and not revered. As they say, if you can't stand the heat then get out of the kitchen and Arsenal's reaction to the Portugese player's antics was pretty scandalous. Perhaps if they had put as much effort into the game itself then they may have actually got something out of it. More of the same please.

Hasselbaink

The fat Eddie Murphy may be carrying more girth these days but his superb dummy carved open the Wolves defence to rip home a scorcher from the edge of the area

West Brom

Goals galore from the Championship side as they romped home at the Ricoh. A favourable draw has left them strong favourites to visit Wembley for the 2nd time in a year. Let's see if they can live up to the hype eh?

Set pieces

Hilarious play from Sheffield United which shows that players actually do something in training. Unfortunately for Beattie, he was only able to hit the post.

Fat Frank

Despite his tally including about 99 deflections, you can't deny that scoring 100 goals for Chelski is some achievement.

Going Down

Liverpool and Rafa Benitez

There are a few laughing stocks in football at the moment, the main suspects being Ashley Cole, Newcastle and Garth Crooks punditry. However, these are generally temporary headline makers. One team which likes being laughed at every week is Liverpool. Whether it be Rafa's bizarre new conferences, the fact that Rafa wants DIC or the Hicks Gillete combo. I think that the only time they havent been laughed at is when they spanked the might Derby at Anfield (seems a long time ago now doesnt it?)

Perhaps Liverpool thought they had turned the corner after Kuyt toe poked home his first goal in a million years but it wasn't to be. Rafa's removal of Babel (their most effective player) proved another bizarre decision, especially as the game was not over and they ultmately paid the price. To be fair, there was some incredible last ditch defending from the Tykes but that is still no excuse. The absence of Torres from the bench was also costly.

People may say that they have a big game against Inter in the week but IMO Rafa made a major boo boo by not playing his strongest side. This FA CUP is wide open and would be a more realistic opportunity to win a trophy but Rafa's obsession with the Champions League has left him red faced. Even if they win the Champs League I think he is a goner and his decision not to replace his departed assistant has left him fighting a solo battle against the critics.

Thankfully Rafa has realised the problems and has told his players "we created chances, now lets focus on the next game". Inspiring words indeed from the fat Spaniard.

Arsenal

Utter shambles from the Gooners as they were outclassed, out fought and outplayed. After getting owned by Berbatov the other week, it was Rooney's turn to screw on William Gallas as his all action display may have him worried for the upcoming friendly.

Eboue was back to his worst with a shocking tackle on Evra and Adebayor also made a twat of himself after a ridiculous dive to try and win a penalty. Traore and Hoyte got a roasting off Nani and Wenger has perhaps learned that his second string XI are not as good as he thought.

Sunil

I just want to add a few things to the going down section, I think Phil Thompson should be there for his reaction on Soccer Saturday after Barnsley scored, absolutely priceless.

Here is the video of Le' Tiss going mental and Tommo having a mare. Just how awesome is Jeff Stelling? The hype in this video is just ridiculous.

Also the so called best midfielder in the premiership Fabregas who was totally invisible against Man Utd and hasn't been at the races for a long time now, I have said it before and ill say it again, I think he is a half season player. Have a few gifs for added ownage, all in all I think you will say Arsenal were a disgrace.

Also why does Fletcher only play well against the big teams and how good can Anderson really turn out to be?

There's Only One Ronaldo....

Everyone had a player that truly drew them towards football, someone who was so magical and exciting that you truly thought you were experiencing something sexual in a footballing context. I know that sounds slightly dramatic but for me and for many other people around the world that man was Ronaldo Luis Nazário de Lima also known as El Fenómeno. I warn you this article is a somewhat homoerotic tribute to a player that I consider the most talented of all time.

Back in my days there was no Youtube or video downloading like we have in abundance now, so you had to absorb the hype from what you read in the newspapers and any games you could catch on TV, if you were lucky enough to have Sky. I remember first seeing Ronaldo at the 1994 world cup when he was 17 year old, quietly sitting on the bench with no one knowing who he was, but at that time it was simply impossible for a teenager to outshine the genius of Romario and Bebeto. The commentator said Brazil had a wonderkid, a player who could potentially rival the likes of Pele and Maradonna as the greatest talent the game has ever seen, what a way to put some early pressure on a youngster.

Fast forward 2 years, and I was watching the Olympics in 1996 and I watched an absolutely sublime 19 year old simply destroy the opposition, scoring every type of goal imaginable, the young Brazilians eventually fell to a superb Nigerian team led by Kanu and Okocha(god knows how old they really were back then, 30?), but Ronaldo stood out as a player with more potential then any other player I had seen in my lifetime, something similar to when you watched the first Harry Potter movie and saw a young Emma Watson, you knew that a few years down the line she would develop into something we can all lust over. Is that wrong? Maybe, but i don't really care.

At PSV, Ronaldo scored 55 goals in 57 appearances but it was at Barcelona where Ronaldo was at his best, scoring and incredible 47 goals in 49 games and is the last person to score over 30 goals in La Liga, you don't get stats much better than that, unless you're measuring Halle Berry from top to bottom. Ronaldo was only at Barca for one season but in that season we witnessed the greatest exhibition of footballing talent you will probably ever see, and what makes it even more remarkable was the fact at that he was 20 years old. I sometimes chuckle when I see commentators wanking over a lucky Cristiano freekick, Wayne Rooney's excessive aggression or a Messi slalom run, yes they are all great talents but if you want the blueprint of the ultimate wonderkid rewind back to 90s and look at what Ronaldo was doing, he was producing magic that even the worlds greatest players of that time could only dream of.

One of Ronaldo’s lowest moments was in the 1998 world cup final, but you tell me what would happen if a 21 year old player with more hype than a J.lo Sex tape, had an epileptic fit before the biggest match of his life, it doesn't matter how good you are or how big your balls are, you are destined to fail. Ronaldo then moved onto Inter scoring 49 in 69 league goals, and his performance in the UEFA cup final against Lazio was so good that Mancini had to warn him that anymore showboating would lead to a broken leg, to which he adhered to and then ran trough on goal and calmly rounded the goalkeeper in the coolest fashion you can imagine. Just check out the video below.

Who knows what heights Ronaldo could have reached if he didn't suffer those 2 knee injuries whilst at inter, maybe he would be considered the greatest player of all time. Many people blame muscle building drugs for his knee problems, but we will probably never know the whole truth. After more than 2 years out of the game, Ronaldo proved why he is simply a big game player by returning at the 2002 world cup and scoring 8 goals and most notably 2 in the final, and then he moved into Real Madrid scoring over a 100 goals for them, and most notably a superb hattrick at Old Trafford in the champions league.

Its kinda sad that football has changed so much that many people are not aware of this man's talents and what he has done for football, you search for Ronaldo in Google and it asks if you were talking about Cristiano. Ronaldo's weight problems will mean the youngsters and misinformed will never know what kind of player he was, watching him at the 2006 world cup was kinda embarrassing, but even a Fat Ronaldo is better than most, and he still scored 3 goals to become the world cup greatest ever goalscorer, not even i could begrudge him this after his stepover snatched the record against my beloved Ghana. Many people will cite Zidane as the best player of this generation, but for me Ronaldo was a different animal, the only player in our lifetime who was truly unplayable, the man who along with Garrincha invented all the tricks that we see the likes of Ronaldinho and Robinho doing week in week out, and the only player who truly had every attribute that a footballer should have, incredible speed, power, pace, skill and vision, if a machine could make the perfect footballer Ronaldo would come out. Ronaldo is your favourite striker's favourite striker and even Batistuta said that Ronaldo is football. Lets hope we get to see this man on the biggest stage again, if not then thanks for the memories. It's all good, we have Youtube to remember you by.