***Roast Watch***

Just when you thought the roasting was over, another story pops up and shocks us all once again. This time it involves a team from our lovely hosts for Euro 2008 called FC Thun. FC Thun first appeared in the spotlight when they famously qualified for the group stages of the Champions League in 2005. This time their claim to fame is far less glamorous and quite simply wrong.

Here is the story in full.

Six players from Swiss first division football side FC Thun face legal charges over allegations of having sexual relations with a 15-year-old girl.

In total, 14 people face charges, authorities in the canton of Bern said. The other eight are either former Thun players, or other people linked to either some of the players, or the girl herself.

"The majority of the people concerned have acknowledged committing acts of a sexual nature with the young girl," the authorities said in a statement.

The charges come after Swiss police last week arrested 21 men over the affair, which has caused uproar in the national media.

Sex with someone under 16 years of age is punishable under Swiss law when the other person or persons involved are more than three years older.

Fourteen men with a 15 yr old, that's just wrong, so so wrong. Apparently a few of the players were unsure as to whether to have relations with the girl due to her age, but the senior players soon removed any doubt by apparently saying

"If they are old enough to bleed they are old enough to breed."

and "if they are old enough to crawl they are in the right position"

Obviously that was a joke, but it is hard to imagine exactly what was going through these people's minds. I have seen less shocking things on fictional programme's such as Footballers' Wives. Examples include a baby being suffocated by a dog sitting on it, a mother bleaching her asian baby's skin to make it white, and roastings in the resort of "La Panga" but this FC Thun episode appears to surpass all of these.

I mean , fourteen people to one girl, what was going on there? Is that in case someone pulled out with injury? Was there really any need for a substitutes appearance from the squad players? Imagine if you had 14 players all trying to take a penalty at once..surely everyone would just get in the way of each other? If you are gonna do something as wrong as bang a 15 year old girl, then don't ask all your mates to come and join in. Thats just plain stupid, but thats what you would expect of footballers I suppose and I think its fair to say that the FC Thun players must have less intelligence than an amoeba.

Stay tuned for more Roast Watch coming soon........

The Real Reason Why Blackburn Lost 4-0 Last Night..

Blackburn got hammered by Aston Villa las night, and i think many Blackburn fans may be looking for reasons for this capitulation, but I think i have found it. They must have been distracted by the male cheerleader they had on the sidelines. He goes by the name of Norman Cookson, what a joker.

Oh dear, I think for this reason alone we can rule Blackburn out of a top 6 finish this season.

Some Things Go Beyond Funny......

Here is an absolutely hilarious video of Paul Merson losing a tooth on Soccer Saturday, god only knows how something like that can happen to a human being. lol

Fast forward to 1min 30 seconds. Classic

***Roast Watch***

It has been at least fully 2 weeks since the last Roast Watch and its good to see that John Terry is well and truly at the heart of the latest sordid scandal to hit football.

The full article can be found here

http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/2511_sex_shame.shtml

The antics took place at the Wardour Club in the build up to England's dismal display against Croatia where they got a roasting off a different kind on the football pitch.

To be honest, the article covers pretty much all the sordid details so I will leave you to peruse it at your own leisure!
Sunil

A Blast From The Past.....Why England Will Win Euro 2008.

I saw this and thought it was hilarious, yes we are not all Mystic Meg, but this article is way off.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/2641675.stm

By Dan Warren BBC Sport Online January is a bleak, depressing month, brightened only by the occasional snowball fight and the fact there are no wasps. But if you are an English football fan, there is at least some reason to continue living. The recent steady flow of talented young stars has turned into an veritable torrent, with a new teenage hero seemingly unearthed every week. A brace by 19-year-old Michael Tonge against Liverpool on Wednesday, while 20-year-old Neil Mellor was scoring at the other end, added two more names to this term's astounding production line of promise. And future England manager Alan Shearer must be rubbing his sensible hands together in glee at the pot of gold maturing before his very eyes. Your say: Pick the best of the bunch? Goalkeepers Chris Kirkland, 21 now, will be the world's finest goalkeeper by 2008, especially after another five years of shot-stopping practice at the back of Liverpool's attack-shy team. Leeds' Paul Robinson, 23, is unlikely to be far behind his Liverpool rival and the two of them are likely to vie, Shilton-Clemence style, for the number one jersey for many years. Defence History has shown that every successful England international team has contained brothers, and Rio and Anton Ferdinand will form the bedrock of Shearer's defence. Rio will be the team's veteran at 29, but Anton will possess the same assured approach and, let us hope, the same "funky" goalscoring celebrations. Blackburn's Martin Taylor will be there to mop up when the siblings' rivalry causes them to lose concentration. Ashley Cole and Shaun Wright-Phillips will be devastating wing-backs, whose surging runs will leave Italians crying into their capuccinos and Germans blubbing in their bratwursts. Midfield This is where England excel, with the maverick talents of Joe Cole and David Dunn backed by the steel and vision of Steven Gerrard. With Dunn (28 in 2008) and Cole (26 in 2008) possessing maturity and talent, all England need is for Gerrard (27) to end his current run of form which is, unfortunately, rubbish. All three will be at their peak, and the onlooking David Beckham, who will probably retire from football at 30 to pursue a rock career, will smile in the stands as his successors shine. Forwards Rooney is but part of England's talent avalanche England will have so much talent up front it will be embarrassing, and other teams may concede games before kick-off to avoid the humiliation on the pitch. The original odd couple will spearhead the attack - Wayne Rooney and Michael Owen. Off the field, the pair will fight like dogs, but on the field they will combine to create flowing football poetry which will reduce even the most toughened defenders to mere shells of men. And to keep them alert, the likes of Liverpool's Neil Mellor, Aston Villa's Darius Vassell, Leeds' James Milner and West Ham's Jermaine Defoe will all be in the prime of their careers. A warning No doubt England's rivals will be gnashing teeth at the land of milk and honey awaiting fans of the Three Lions. But a look back one decade offers hope to those who thrive on England's failure. When footballers go bad: Under-21 stars of 1993 Neil Ardley Billy Kenny Eddie Newton Scott Minto Richard Hall Andy Awford The England Under-21s side of 1993 does not exactly read like a list of world beaters. For every Steve McManaman - himself an international disappointment - there is a Billy Kenny, a Neil Cox and a Nicky "Swindon Town" Summerbee. Perhaps the end to what is rapidly approaching 40 years of hurt is not quite as close as it appears.

Premiership Ups & Downs....

Going Up

Stevie G and Liverpool

Booing an opposition player relentlessly is almost certain to end in tears which it did for the Geordie fans on Saturday. After Stevie's shocker against Croatia he responded in the best possible way with a mercurial performance to silence the home fans. He scored a 30 yard cracker and had a hand in the other 2 goals as Liverpool ripped Newcastle open time and time again to maintain the Reds unbeaten start to the season. Doubts remain as Rafa continues to exchange pleasantries with the Liverpool owners but it can't really be denied that his team are still in the title hunt at the moment.

Arteta, Cahill and Everton

Mikel Arteta and Tim Cahill provided a midfield masterclass as Everton put seven goals past a sorry Sunderland at Goodison Park on Saturday. Although Arteta didn't get himself on the scoresheet he was a constant menace to the Sunderland rearguard and Tim Cahill continued his excellent goalscoring form. Everton have responded in fine fashion since they were mugged by Mark Clattenburg in the Merseyside derby and are consistently one of the better teams to watch in the Premiership these days. They have added a touch of class to their high tempo game and will undoubtedly be in the mix come the end of the season

Sven and Manchester City

You can't deny how much Sven is loving life at the moment. Seven straight wins at home, as well as the country beginning to think he actually did a good job managing England. The last time he was this happy was probably when he was banging Ulrika Jonson a few years ago. Stephen Ireland slammed home a stunning volley to snatch a last gasp win as City remain in the top 4, something which was unthinkable at the start of the season. Thankfully for those in the City of Manchester stadium, Ireland's celebration was more family orientated this time and he decided not to show off his meat and two veg. Well done Stephen.

Arsenal

Arsenal are like the ultimate cock-tease. They keep you hanging on and on, thinking that you may get some result for all your effort and endeavour, only to wait till the very death before killing you off and sending you home holding your balls. For so long it looked like they would be held by Wigan on Saturday only for Gallas to merk Titus Bramble at the near post and effectively settle the game. Whilst his dodgy haircut may leave a lot to be desired, it can't be denied that he took his goal brilliantly, almost like a centre forward in fact.

Robert Green

Even as an Englishman he must be feeling smug after again proving what a good keeper he is after Scott Carson' debacle in midweek. His last minute saved Defoe from probably being bundled by the West Ham faithful

Niko Kranjcar

After scoring with a tame effort in mid-week the Croatian showed what he is actually capable of as he ripped a free kick from fully 30 yards out against Birmingham on Saturday to help condemn a managerless Blues to a home defeat.

Going Down

Sunderland and Paul McShane

Sunderland were annilhated on Saturday as Everton put them to the sword. As if having one of the worst haircuts and being ginger wasn't bad enough for Paul McShane, his antics on Saturday would hardly have endeared himself to the Sunderland faithful. He looked like bambi on ice for most of the game, as Everton's tactic of lumping the ball 50 yards long in his direction proved his undoing. I would not like to have seen Roy Keane's reaction to his performance after the game. Hopefully, he gave him the hairdryer treatment, although with any sense he may have sent him to the hairdresser's instead. People used to say that Jason Lee's pineapple cut used to effect his performance, and I wonder if McShane's mop is causing him the same trouble. The Mackems have a huge game against Derby next week. If they don't win that then the alarm bells will be ringing loud and clear for Roy Keane

Stephen Cunt (yes very clever I know)

The Reading winger tried his best impression of Jackie Chan as his kung fu kick on Fernandes provided one of the most distasteful moments of the season so far. How he got away with this I am not entirely sure as the referee saw the incident but decided only to book him.

John Terry

The England captain is a disgrace, what really gives him the right to throw a football at referee? His reaction to Essien's sending off was further evidence that Terry needs to be knocked down a few pegs. Once again the England captain sets a great example for the kids.

Man United and Fergie

Man United stumbled at the Reebok as Bolton's strong arm tactics did the job. Kevin Davies and Evra were at each others throats all game much to the distaste of Fergie. I sometimes sympathise with managers but its hard to stomach when Fergie blames referees, especially after the amount of times that Man United have been awarded phantom penalties in injury time at Old Trafford. United looked fairly toothless without Rooney and Ronaldo and will be hoping that these three dropped points wont prove costly at the end of the season.

Richard Kingson

The Birmingham goalie had a nightmare of Scott Carson-esque proportions as his howler helped Harry's League of Nations grab another three points to maintain their charge towards Europe.

Boro and Southgate

They often say that a team mirror their manager. Well, there can't be a better example of this than at Middlesborough where they are extremely ugly and can't score to save their life. Southgate hasn't found a way to replace the goals of Viduka and the Yak and things are looking pretty desperate for the Euro 96 villain. His team can't keep clean sheets either, and Woodgate was given a roasting by Agbonlahor on Saturday as Boro slumped to a 3-0 defeat in front of their home supporters.

Lawrie Sanchez

Comparing England's failure to qualify for Euro 2008 to Fulham's inability to hold onto a lead makes him an absolute complete and utter loser.

My Rant....

I have a few things on my mind after last nights circus act. England tumbled out of Euro 2008 after quite possibly the worst performance I have seen from an apparently "world class" team. McClaren will surely take most of the flack and rightly so, he made some of the worst decisions since someone decided to give Michele McManus a record deal.

Firstly, why play Carson in goal and leave him in the firing line? Robinson was a dead man walking, it could only go uphill for him, so it would have been fine to leave him in the team, another mistake would have been expected. Instead he included a 22 year old, and has potentially ended his England career already.

That stupid umbrella, what was he thinking? Why wasn't he out there firing up his team? Any manager with a bit of passion would have been out there in his shirt, with his sleeves rolled up, screaming from the touchline, instead McClaren wanted to avoid another trip to Vidal Sassoon.

How stupid are the FA? Probably one of the worst run organisations in the history of the world, probably worse than Enron. Knowing full well you're hiring a man with the credentials of a 2 year old child, you somehow fail to write a clause in the contract that says if he fails to qualify he is sacked. Instead McClaren walks away with 2.5million pounds for doing absolutely nothing, and embarrassing the nation. Disgraceful, why not just go out and burn money wearing a thong in the streets of London? Just as embarrassing and just as much money would be wasted.

Hearing England fans say they really should have beaten these teams easily. Really? At what point did England become world beaters? They haven't won a trophy since TVs were black and white. Croatia were miles miles better than England. Olic, Modric and Kranjcar to name a few, were making a mockery of the England midfield, packed with all those "world class" players. Modric, who isn't even at a big European club had Gerrard, Lampard and Barry getting a mortgage in his pocket, but of course England should have blown away the opposition like they always do sigh.

Now on to the English players, the basic aspects of football are to score goals and to pass the ball to each other. Imagine a professional dancer with no rhythm, now you can picture how bad England were. Its totally unforgivable when your so called "world class" players can't do something as simple as pass the ball to each other. Regardless of all the blame placed on McClaren, you cant deny how awful the players were.

Here are my player ratings,

Carson - "Body behind ball", simple really. England career probably over already. Utter nightmare. That reflex save wont save his career - 4

Richards - There were points when I wondered if there was actually an English right back on the pitch. Krankjar was all over him. - 5

Campbell - Although he is bereft of any of the normal footballing skills, like control and touch, he did get himself in the way a few times. -5

Lescott - Hoof, Hoof , Hoof. Awful hair cut, minus 1 point. - 4

Bridge - Awful, easily the worst player on the pitch. With the positioning of a blind man, drunk on whiskey, wearing roller skates. - 1

Barry - Lost the ball too much, and forgot how to deliver a decent set piece. - 4

Gerrard - Easily his worst ever performance. Couldn't pass wind, couldn't motivate the team, couldn't do anything apart from run around a lot. - 2

Lampard - He came on as substitute to score the penalty...Oh wait. Anonymous, but somehow he still managed to get man of the match. Bizarre - 4

SWP - Did some good work, but he can't deliver anything, not even a pizza. He isn't exactly a goalscorer and doesn't track back enough. Bentley and Pennant are much better in my opinion. -5

Joe Cole - Completely and utterly frustrating, if he is England's most skillful player, then English football is in a complete and utter crisis. Get up off the floor Joe. 5

Crouch - Easily the best player, great goal and all round play. This man is a legend, hold your head up high Peter, not that he needs any help with that. - 8

Subs - Beckham - Parcelforce did what he does best, sadly he might not reach a 100 caps. Legend- 7

Bent- Unlucky - 5

Defoe - Won a penalty - 5

In reflection this is the kick up the arse, English football needs. From grass roots upwards a complete overhaul is needed. What really summed it up was seeing a David Beckham advert for his new fragrance when I switched the channel at half time, says it all really.

England Bottle It........!!!!!!

England's dismal qualifying campaign came to a spectacular end at Wembley last stadium night as they crashed 3-2 at home to Croatia. Let's get facts straight, England were completely outclassed last night and if they had somehow blundered their way through, then it would have been a bigger screw job then when Brett Hart got stitched up by Vince McMahon and Shawn Michaels in the WWF.

There is so much that I want to talk about, that this may take a while so bear with me and take a long deep breath.....here goes....

Let's look at what happened last week. Israel somehow managed to hand England a lifeline as they broke Russian hearts in the last minute(cue the usual chest thumping and English hype - Kofi). England's prayers had been answered and they needed a solitary point against a team who had already qualified...AT HOME. Its a bit like turning up to your driving test and realising that all you need to do to pass is drive in a straight line for 10 yards. You just wouldn't believe your luck that things could be made so easy for you.

Fast forward to tonights game and things got off to the worst possible start as Nico Kranjcar ghosted in to send a tepid shot towards goal. Scott Carson showed all the composure of a virgin as he let the ball skid off his body and into the net. He got down slower than a 90 year old trying to put on his slippers. Cue Motson wetting his pants. In conditions such as last night, it is imperative that you get your body behind the ball. Perhaps Carson had too much lubricant on his hands after tossing McClaren off, cos surely that is the only way he managed to find his way into the starting XI last night. Now, don't get me wrong, Paul Robinson is a joke, but with such an inexperienced defence McClown has to live and die by his decision to hand a goalie his competitive debut in such a big game. Many people thought that perhaps Carson may not have a lot to do tonight, but how wrong could they have been.

Things took another sorry twist for England as Prince/Symbol/Eduardo bamboozled the home defence to slot in Olic who rounded a stunned Carson to double Croatia's lead. The visiting fans were sent into ecstasy as they partied like it was 1999 (sorry). Cue Motson wetting his pants.

At times like this, you look for inspiration, for leaders. With Terry and Beckham absent, England did not really have anything on the pitch to give them that drive and that energy and so you look to the manager. So what exactly was McClaren doing when England were staring knockout in the face? Doing his best impression of Dick van Dyke in Mary Poppins as he stood under his umbrella, that's what. If he wasn't doing that he was sitting their writing notes on his pad. What exactly was McClown writing? A list of possible jobs he could have when he inevitably has to depart? His list of post match excuses?

The whole country could see that having Crouch up front on his own was not working. A good manager, a manager with tactical nous would have spotted this instantly and made a change. What astonished me more was that Terry Venables was perched up in the box nowhere to be seen. Surely he should be in close contact with the manager to discuss what was going wrong? If Venables was all the way up there he may have been at his local tanning salon or working for a look a like agency as Ray Winstone's double cos he was certainly of no use at the game tonight

Motty even said himself at the time

"Surely someone like Mourinho would make a change instantly?"

And right there he had hit the nail on the head. Someone like Jose is not scared to make decisions. England knew after 14 minutes that they needed at least two goals, so that was the time to make a change, because they had never looked like scoring. However, nothing was done by McClown as England laboured towards half time with one of their most inept displays in recent years.

Credit must also be given to Croatia to be honest. After their capitulation in Macedonia they found their feet and played some delightful football at times. Modric is a real star in the making and at times they had England running around in circles in the middle of the park. Croatia made light of the conditions and used the skidding surface to their advantage with superb attacking movements which often cut England apart.

The half time analysis in the BBC studio was like a wake. Lineker and Shearer were so shocked that they looked like they had found out they were brothers. Wrighty was in such a state of shock that he couldn't even bother laying into England and he just started laughing at the desperate affair. Hansen, the wee lad, couldn't wait to get stuck in to England as he handed out an absolute roasting. The Scottish legend is brilliant at summing things up in one word statements e.g Power. Pace. Strength. However, none of these words could describe England at half time. So instead he went for

"Outclassed.Outfought.Outplayed"

End of story.

So, to the 2nd half, and McClaren had finally realised after nearly half an hour of concentration and thought that England needed to play with two strikers. On came Goldenballs and Jermaine Defoe to try and dig England out the huge whole they were in.

England immediately got the bit between their teeth and were handed a lifeline as the linesman awarded a penalty for a shirt tug on Defoe. At first look, Fat Frank looked like he took an excellent penalty to send the keeper the wrong way. On second look, the Croatia goalie was so far over to his left hand side before the ball was struck that it had a whiff of Bruce Grobelaar about it. Cue Motson wetting his pants.

However, things were not over as Carson made a stunning save as an unmarked Kovac stole in following a left wing corner. Things then took another twist as Wayne Bridge nearly got merked before spooning the ball onto his own crossbar. At this point, I thought to myself, this is like the Champions League Final again in 1999 when Man United were up against it and somehow made it through. I thought, this must be England's night, surely they must capitalise on the outrageous fortune that they had just received.

Well, minutes later it looked like they had done it as Beckham delivered one of the balls of the season towards Peter Crouch to brilliantly level and send Wembley into raptures. Cue Motson wetting his pants.

Now at this point, England had done the hard work and somehow got themselves into a qualifying position. However, like all England sides over the last few years they went to defensive mode. This is when the manager again should have took control and told his players to stop sitting back. Beckham, having set up Crouch for the equaliser was finding himself behind Micah Richards in the right back slot. England players were standing off all over the park as they looked to hold on to what they had instead of going for the jugular. Croatia again grabbed a foothold in the game and it was no surprise that Petric, who was allowed the freedom of the pitch, strode forward to slam the ball past a slightly unsighted Carson. Cue Motson wetting his pants.

England again looked for that elusive goal but apart from one shot by Darren Bent, never looked like getting it. In all honesty, they were lucky to escape without an even bigger hammering as their gung ho tactics left them hopelessly exposed at the back. In the latter stages England's sole tactic of hoofing the ball forwards in hope was excruciating to watch and almost as embarrassing as watching your parents snog each other in public.

England were a disgrace throughout this whole campaign to be honest and whenever they were faced with decent opposition they shown to be nothing less than average. However, despite all this, they had a golden opportunity to sneak in through the back door tonight and they somehow bottled it. McClown has said that he won't walk away. This has really got my goat, surely he must resign. Following Sven's legacy of 3 quarter finals, the least McClown had to do was match this for him to justify his appointment. However, for him to not even manage to get through this qualifying group means that McClaren has to tender his resignation to show he actually has a bit of dignity about him. If he doesn't I am going to round his house and sort him out myself.

As we reflect on tonight's shambles, feel free to let us know your comments and thoughts on this sorry qualifying campaign.

Sunil


Kofi's classic commentary moment

Motty - "say something Mark"

Lawro - "i can't"

Sums it all up really.

We Robbed You 5 Times.......

The residents of Liverpool have robbed another one of their superstars Dirk Kuyt, and he is the 5th Liverpool player to have suffered this fate. Im sure they gave him enough chances to catch them in the act, but he probably missed them all. (Haha - Im so funny)

Sing it everyone,

"We robbed you 5 times, we robbed you 5 times, while you were away, we robbed you 5 times"

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/merseyside/7103019.stm

My Football Club.....

A while back I was pondering a crazy idea, an innovative idea which would ultimately change the face of football as we know it. I thought to myself, what would happen if I got a whole bunch of people to put some money together and buy a football club, take control of it, buy players and pick the teams. Spookily enough months later some guy sets up an interesting website doing the exact same thing.

Myfootballclub.com is a website which invited 23,000 people to pay £35 for a piece of a football club. The lucky or not so lucky club is Ebbsfleet united. This is a fun idiea but lets be honest its also a logistical nightmare. Could you imagine sharing the same wife with 100 other men, sounds messy doesn't it? There are a lot of clear issues I have with this type of site.

Why would a manager want 23,000 people undermining his team selection? The manger knows more about the players than the collective will(sound like something out of star trek). I'm guessing most of the "owners" will be using football manager and wikipedia to figure out the who the hell is playing for them. Sounds like something out of the Sven book of management. How will they actually get to watch the games, its not like Ebbsfleet will be televised on Skysports, apparently only 75 of these randoms attended the match against Oxford. On the plus side this has generated a lot of positive publicity for a club that would have usually gone unnoticed. they now have world wide recognition, and this will clearly lead to increased investment and sponsorship. On the flip side for the club, they have to keep 23,00 people happy. If I had to take 23,000 girls on a date, I could probably, only just about keep them all happy, but many other men would struggle. :- )

I think its fun idea, and probably a bit of a dangerous one for the club, but im guessing money talks as always. Do you think I could get 100,000 people to come together to buy Man Utd? I would stipulate that only liverpool and arsenal fans could be involved. We would then sell Wayne Rooney for 1 million to Wigan in exchange for Titus Bramble. Ferguson would be sacked and replaced with Graeme Souness and finally Old Trafford would be sold and we would relocate to a ground share with MK Dons, sounds like a complete recipe for success.

Whose up for it?

Worst Miss Ever.....

The vote for the worst miss ever was tighter than a ducks arse but the results are in. Before we look at the not so worthy winner, I would like you to draw all your attention to the video clip below. I personally think that this is the worst miss ever, but because I couldn't figure out who this clown was, I didn't include it in the vote.





The reason I think it's the worst miss ever is because the ball was going in anyway before the idiot decided to try and slam the ball home in emphatic fashion. He could of run off celebrating instead whilst the ball crossed the line. Just goes to show how stupid footballers are really.

Anyway, back to the vote and in the runners up position was Ronny Rosenthal. Israelis are a hot topic at the moment, with Avram Grant taking over at Chelski, Yossi Bennayoun running riot in Europe and the nation themselves making sure that Steve McClaren is still alive come the game against Croatia. Rocket Ronnie was a pony tailed attacking midfielder during the early nineties. His career was fairly conspicuous but he will forever be remembered for this howler against Aston Villa, where after rounding the keeper, he slammed the ball against the cross bar with the goal at his mercy. The only thing I can think that happened is that that the guy behind him shouted "you pony tailed wanker" or something to that effect.



The winner of the vote for worst miss ever is Diego Forlan, one of the biggest flops in Premiership history. To be fair to Fergie the writing was on the wall fairly early on as this miss took place on Forlan's first pre-season tour with the Red Devils. A mere 3 yards from goal, and no one near him, Forlan skewed his shot so badly that it only just about managed to ripple the side netting. Rather than announcing his arrival at United by scoring and doing a Ravanelli celebration, Forlan instead had to bury his head in his shirt in shame. The commentators duly agreed as displayed by the hilarious commentary. I suppose I could sum it up by saying that Forlan couldn't finish his dinner..couldn't score in a brothel....etc etc, but instead I prefer to say that Diego Forlan...YOU ARE SHITE.



Diego Forlan..hang your head in shame....you had the Worst Miss Ever....

Sunil

Shut Up Stevie G

So Stevie G has jumped head first into the arguments over whether quotas should be introduced to stem the number of foreign players in the Premiership. Now, this is a very delicate debate with arguments for both sides and also a bit of racial tension thrown in. There are simple ways to look at it. For example, who would Pompey rather have playing for them? Nugent or Kanu? Things obviously aren't that simple but Stevie G's comments are quite simply laughable and a perfect example of why footballer's should keep their noses out of stuff they don't know what they are talking about.

Here are Stevie's words of wisdom

"Something has to happen. "I'm all for there being a rule change to make sure we continue to have one of the best national teams."

Excuse me? Since when did England have one of the best national teams? England haven't won a trophy for over fucking forty years!! England have bottled all major tournaments since 1966 and had never won anything even BEFORE the influx of overseas players in the Premiership.

The main reason that England never win anything is because they can't place the ball in the net from 12 yards when it matters. Does Stevie G really think that foreigners are to blame for the fact England players have balls like cashew nuts?

The Liverpool captain then added

"If something isn't done, there will be more and more foreigners and they will take over and that is worrying.

"I think there's a concern that talent will eventually stop coming through if foreigners do take over our league."

Everybody run for cover everyone, the great foreign invasion is about to swamp the Premiership. It is interesting that these comments have suddenly appeared:

1) After Steve Coppell's Reading got taught a lesson by Arsenal

2) England look like messing up their chances of qualifying

Would Stevie G prefer it if every team had a goalie like Paul Robinson in goal as long as they are English? After all, he is one of the main reasons why England are staring failure in the face.

There are over a 100 reasons why England are not successful at the moment but to point the finger at Johnny Foreigner is just ridiculous.

As if these comments arent' daft enough, Stevie then proclaimed that the Ginger Whinger has his full backing

"There is no point changing managers every five months or every year. You need continuity and I feel we are moving in the right direction."

And exactly in which direction is that? As far away from the European Championships as possible? Stevie, please stick to what you do best and stop talking shite.

Sunil

Is this football?

The Gooners strolled to victory against a hapless Reading at the Madejski Stadium. The words Men Against Boys would be a severe understatement.

Remember those days when you use to have games lessons at school and you would have attack against defence? Let me recap. You would play in one half of the pitch. The aim of the attacking side was to score obviously. The aim of the defence? To get the ball over the halfway line, even it if meant just a big hoof.

Well last night's game reminded me of that. Reading had no interest in trying to attack Arsenal whatsoever.. as long as they could stop Arsenal scoring and boot the ball over the halfway line they were content. I have a lot of time for Steve Coppell and after they got mullered last year I can half understand his tactics. But this performance was an absolute embarrassment. To play one up front at home and try to scrape a goal-less draw or dirty set piece is not good for the game in my opinion.

What made it more annoying was the fact that Arsenal strolled to a 2-0 lead and after this the tactics remained the same from Reading. Some of their poor fans were sitting in the freezing cold having paid 30 quid to see their team not even attempt to play football. It wouldn't be so bad but Reading are a decent side, they aren't a Derby like team. It's a sad day when teams are more concerned about goal difference than actually trying to compete against the big sides.

I am not sure that Reading ever got within 10 yards of an Arsenal player and made about 2 tackles all game. Next time guys, can you try and break a sweat please. You get paid more in a week then most fans do all year. If all you are gonna do is run around, then I am sure most supporters would happily manage to do that for you instead. At one point I thought the Arsenal team were going to start doing kick ups on the halfway line which could well lead to a South American style football riot. Alas, that didn't happen. Maybe next time......

Sunil

Premiership Ups and Downs

Going Up

Liverpool & Torres

Liverpool recorded only their second home win of the season and remain undefeated after a superb cameo appearance from Fernando Torres. For a team apparently in crisis, they were only 3 points off the top of the Premiership on Saturday, what will happen if they actually start playing well again. In Torres they have a truly world class player who can produce a moment of magic at any given moment. Rafa did not rotate the team after the 8-0 thrashing midweek, but it is simply impossible for him to leave a player of Fernando’s quality on the bench. If Liverpool can keep him fit, and get back some of the other injured stars, we might start saying it their year again, Liverpool are once again turning corners.

Man Utd & Ronaldo

Cristiano Ronaldo now has 26 goals in 51 games, which is a very impressive return for a winger who literally has everything, even a taste for a good prostitute. He may often bottle the big games, and have permanent residence in Ashley Cole’s pocket but he is having another great season, and has 10 goals already. Man Utd sit firmly on top of the Premiership again, and even without Rooney you can see them staying there or there abouts for the rest of the season.

Tottenham & Berbatov

Tottenham actually won another game, who would have thought it. Even at 3-0 nil I was still thinking of ways that they could throw away another lead, but somehow they didn’t. I think even Berbatov had time to smile, he’s like a sulking school child at the moment, who clearly does not want to be there, but I’m sure finally getting out of the relegation zone should cheer him up. His all round performance was a masterclass in wonderful football, and even though he has reiterated his desire to stay, I’m not buying it. Tottenham have to be pleased, there standards have dropped like mine would after 10 pints, so forget a top 4 finish, they can celebrate finally being out of the bottom 4.

Tim Cahill

Was out injured for a long time, and has come back and continued to bang in the goals, one of the best goal scoring midfielders around at the moment.

Agbonlahor

I honestly thought he would be more useful in the Great Britain 4x100 relay team, but I have to say he is starting to look like a decent player, and if you score the winner in your local derby, you’ve clearly had a good day.

Going Down

Derby

Should I even bother mentioning them anymore, they are perpetually going down, like a porn star in her prime. Conceding 5 goals at home to West Ham, who are missing their best strikers is simply awful.

Bentley

I know footballers are not the brightest sparks in the world, but surely spelling your own name is probably the easiest thing you will ever do, so how did he not notice that they had spelt it wrong?

John Motson

Apparently Cahill’s goals was a typical goal for him according to Motty, how many overhead kicks does one player score in his life for it to be typical. Time to hang up the mic Motty.

Wigan

I’m not going to praise Jenas for his 2 goals, but Id rather berate Wigan for allowing the invisible man of football to score and almost get a hat trick, similar to getting knocked out by a man with no arms.

Bolton

They cant even give away tickets.

Even The Elderly Hate Man Utd.....

Fabregas The Comedian.....

Little Cesc never ceases to amaze me, when he is not playing superb football, he is often doing his best to wind up his opponents, as Anderson and Rio found out on Sunday.

Here we have Cesc mimicking Anderson's Oscar worthy simulation.



and we can see Fabregas here merking Rio, by telling him to "F%*k Off".

Who Said Footballers Were Shallow.....?

These are not the "WAGS" of Champions. Sort it out lads.

Premiership Ups & Downs...

Going Up

Portsmouth

Harry Redknapp is doing an incredible job at Pompey at the moment, particularly bearing in mind that they have already played the top 4. Any man that can get Benjani to score goals on a regular basis is clearly a miracle worker. Perhaps they should put Harry in charge of the UN and see if he can restore world peace.

Long range shots

There were at least four to five screamers which ripped into the back of the net on Saturday. As much as many pundits may laud great team play etc there is nothing a spectator loves more than seeing a player just smash the ball past the despairing dive of a goalkeeper. More of the same please.

Linesmen

The men in the middle always take a battering and so its about time we give them credit when credits due. Whilst Gallas' equaliser was clearly over the line how many times have we seen the officials bottle that kind of decision. No doubt that a dodgy decision from Rob Styles next week will redress the balance though. Twat.

Fat Frank

I don't think that anyone can deny that the Fat One has played a major part in Chelski's excellent recent form as his goalscoring streak continued at the JJB. Still not sure about his celebration though, looks like he is doing some sort of judo chop or something. (I think he is shoving a pizza in the oven. - Ed)

Going Down

Liverpool and Dirk Kuyt

Liverpool stumbled to a goal-less draw against a determined Blackburn Rovers at Ewood Park on Saturday. Despite another relatively poor performance, the Reds should have won the game in the second half had it not been for some terrible finishing from the hapless Dirk Kuyt. The Dutchman couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo at the moment and his terrible form shows no sign of abaiting. For me, Kuyt is a good example of the flood of players around at the moment who I personally wouldn't call a proper footballer. As a striker, he doesn't have great movement, he doesn't link up play and he can't finish. It seems all he can do is run around a lot. Well, if thats all Rafa wants from his strikers then he might as well stick Paula Radcliffe up front because she would easily cover the same amount of ground and just like Kuyt, would probably piss herself whenever she was in a matchwinning position.

I am not exactly sure why Peter Crouch can't get a game at the moment. The only thing I can think of is that he perhaps slept with Rafa's wife or something, because behind Torres he is Liverpool's most effective striker and has shown proven ability to score in the Premiership. Liverpool may be unbeaten but as many people have pointed out, you are better of winning one game and then losing one rather than drawing two in a row. After all, you could go a whole season unbeaten and still get relegated.

Newcastle United's defence

The Geordies backline was ripped wide open like a prisoner picking up a bar of a soap. Have Newcastle ever had a good defence? Certainly not since I have been alive I don't think

Derby

Pretty self explanatory really

Fabregas's goal celebrations

Don't get me wrong, Cesc is having an incredible season for Arsenal this season, but why oh why does he look like he is going to burst into tears everyime he scores for the Gooners? There are a lot more terrible things going on in the world to get upset about such as poverty, war and the destruction of environment. I don't think that scoring goals for a football team should really be added to that list just yet.

Chris Hutchings

As predicted on this website many months ago (don't all rush to congratulate me), the crafty cockney has been given the boot at Wigan after less than half a season in charge. Just goes to show that an assistant manager should never get promoted to take charge of first team affairs (take note Brian Barwick).

Sunil

Guest Article....."The Big 4"

I thought it was about time I chipped in with my opinions on the respective title aspirations of the so called “Big 4”, Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool & Man Utd.

I personally am a Liverpool fan, but I will attempt to provide as unbiased a commentary as possible.

Arsenal

Yet another crop of amazingly talented youngsters, is beginning to show its true potential under the squirrel headed Wenger. No one can deny that this Frenchman is a genius when it comes to taking unheard of youngsters, that seem to be slipping through the net of other big clubs and turning them into high quality footballers. I use the term footballer as a mark of respect here as these lads play the game in its purest form. It was once leveled at teams like Arsenal that they wanted to walk the ball into the opponents net, but not this bunch, they know when to play, but also know when to play the killer pass or take on the shot. Just look at Hleb’s quality through ball for Fabregas to score against my beloved Liverpool at the weekend. Not only did he back himself to make the right decision, he also had the speed of th and foot to be holding off 3 defenders at the time. Hleb has made massive improvements this year, but no-one can deny that the Arsenal show is run by Cesc Fabregas. He has truly stepped from the imposing shadow of Thierry Henry and has shown himself to be the new leader and talisman for this team. He has added goal scoring to his already excellent range of passing to make him one of the most complete midfielders in the world.

In Van Persie, Adebayor Eduardo & Young Theo Walcott they have strikers with all sorts of pace power & skill in abundance. No-one can question the attacking ability of this team, however in a rather Hansen-esque way it is the defence which troubles me. They have a serious lack of aerial ability when the 1^st choice back 4 of Sagna, Toure, Gallas & Clichy are playing. These guys are excellent defenders against quick, pacey strikers, but struggle to cope with an aerial bombardment, so is it a matter of time before teams work this out, or will Wenger pull another rabbit from the hat and continue to do what he does so well – stay ahead of the game. My prediction for this bunch of youngsters is that it may be a season too soon for them and if they are struck with an injury to Fabregas, do they have the quality in depth to cope? My prediction – 3^rd.

Chelsea

Under Mourinho they were predictable, boring, but very effective. Abramovich has made the decision to oust the “Special One” in order to pursue a route to glory using beautiful football. It is a very brave or stupid decision, but from someone with so much money I’ll go for brave. His personal fortune and massive financial commitment to the club would indicate that he has satisfied his initial desire for trophies, now he wants more entertainment to go with the results. These 2 things do not always go hand in hand and a transitional period may be eased by having such quality already available to him such as Drogba & Lampard. Assuming both are still with the club after January I think that they will be right in the title hunt as they have one of the meanest defences around and still have the ability to fall back on what they have learnt from Jose, in terms of getting a result when they don’t play well.

J.Cole SWP & Malouda along with Lampard and Drogba provide a potent attacking force, which coupled with a defence with the experience and organization of Chelsea’s, backed up by the best goalkeeper in the world makes them a very difficult team to beat.

If Avram is given the freedom of the Abramovich chequebook in January and they are within striking distance I would not be surprised to see this bunch go very close again. They have excellent squad depth everywhere apart from upfront where they would struggle to replace Drogba. He will be unavailable for 20 days in Jan/Feb due to African Nations duty and unless they have recruited a proven premiership hitman before he goes, that period could be critical to the challenge they mount. Rumors abound that Anelka will be snapped up in January and if that is the case I think he can fill part of the massive hole left by Drogba. Speculation aside and based on what I’ve seen so far of the Avram Grant show my prediction is for them to finish 2^nd.

Liverpool

Rafa, Rafa, Rafa do you honestly know what your best team is? Thousands on the kop and at home think they do, but each and every week he chooses to chop and change and not allow any rhythm and continuity to build between his players. It’s no coincidence that Liverpool have one of the tightest defences in the league, as he plays pretty much the same back four and keeper each weekend. They don’t have any pace at the back and this must be addressed in January as teams have now worked out that a few quick one two’s around the Liverpool defence will cut them to pieces. If Rafa were to give his strike partnership and central midfield pairing the same run in the side as he does his defenders then I would not be surprised to see a much more free flowing attacking outfit. Rafa has spent big on Torres and I believe he spent well. Torres in his short time in the premiership has looked impressive, couple that with Gerrard in top form and Alonso pulling the strings from midfield Liverpool have the potential to score goals aplenty and keep it tight at the back. However elsewhere a serious lack of match winning talent exists. None of the other current crop of Liverpool strikers seems capable of scoring 10-15 premiership goals, let alone the coveted 20+ per season. In midfield no creativity and ability to beat your man exist outside of Gerrard. As has been proved over the last few years, when the games get close at the crunch part of the season, a little magic or quality makes all the difference.

In Rafa’s defence over the last 3 seasons his rotation policy has paid benefits from Christmas until the end of the season, where Liverpool have taken more points than any of the other sides in with a shot of the title. So if they can get to Christmas close to the lead we will see if the proof of Rafa’s rotation pudding is in the eating. Although a lifelong Liverpool fan with a burning desire for us to win the league again, I can’t see it this season and my prediction is another 4^th place finish unless some sort of miracle happens, or a lot of quality signings occur in January.

Man Utd

So those of you who have managed to read all the above will have worked out that I’m going for Utd to win the title again. I said I’d try to be unbiased and as much as it kills me to say it I think Utd have the players and the know how to get the job done again.

In Ferguson they have a manager who seems to have found the correct blend between the pure football of Arsenal and the ability of Chelsea to grind results. No-one can doubt that they have quality across the field. In Vidic they have possible the best out and out Central Defender in the world. They guy would throw himself in front of a speeding train if it meant stopping a goal. Coupled with Ferdinand’s pace and ability on the ball they have an excellent defensive line up who are now rivaling Chelsea and Liverpool for being tighter than a Nuns chuff. In midfield they have recruited Owen Hargreaves who will do the dirty work, and allow the flair players to get on with what they do best – Wreak havoc in opposing defences. In Cristiano Ronaldo they have potentially the best player in the premiership, if not the world, at creating something out of nothing. The guy has so many tricks he could lose his own shadow. The unholy union of man and beast that is Rooney and Tevez seems to be forming into one of the most creative frontlines in the premiership. Admittedly they both fell through the ugly tree and hit every branch, but no-one can question the footballing ability and goal scoring capability of these two. Both are potentially world class and worryingly for the rest of the league, are beginning to prove it.

So with the package of a mean defence and an attack that can conjure goals from nothing, along with a manager who is the master of the squeaky bum time mind games I can see no further than another title for Utd. I hate saying that.

Ryan Thompson