England, Neighbours & The Karma Sutra....

England were again defeated by the Germans in a poor performance, rather typical of McClaren’s era. Out passed by an German team lacking probably every first team forward they have, no Ballack, Klose, Podolski, Frings, Schweinsteiger, and Lahm playing as a holding midfielder. The Germans have no penetration and lack the strength in depth that England have. Imagine trying to have sex with your girlfriend knowing that you had lost three inches off your manhood, you wouldn’t go in with much confidence would you? But even so, the likes of Kuranyi were still able to cut open an England side with some surprisingly slick passing which I think the England team could learn from. To rehash an old phrase “parcelforce” aka David Beckham was delivering some great trademark parcels, but with small strikers up top and the non existent Alan Smith (words fail me) there wasn’t the cutting edge needed. It was clear that Becks needed a rest, so why didn’t McClaren bring on SWP and see what he could do on the right, as he’s been doing so well for Chelsea. This is clearly the easy option and most intellectual option, but these easy and intellectual are two things McClown seems to have no idea about. SWP gets shunted to the left, and produces a fine display even though he was another player pushed into a position that he didn’t want to be in, let alone Dyer who was placed upfront for some ridiculously strange reason. I think from now one I might have to call him Steve “Karma Sutra” McClaren as he seems to love putting things in the craziest positions possible.

So what have we learned? Well not a great more than what we know already. Firstly, Michael Owen, please do us all a favour and retire from the beautiful game. Tell me, what exactly do you contribute to England these days? I will admit, the service you had was fairly poor but I think your best days are behind you. Can you hold the ball up? No. Can you bring others into play? No. Do you make unselfish runs to help your team-mates? No. Ah, so all you do is play on the last shoulder….but that’s no good. Unless Mickey scores he doesn’t contribute whatsoever to the team. Can any team, let alone England afford that luxury? I don’t think so. Look at Kuranyi today, perhaps not always a goal threat but his all round play was superb and he kept England’s back line on their toes at all time. I think that Owen should just go and setup a market selling a DVD of “that goal” vs Argentina and “that” hat-trick vs Germany. That is pretty much all he has done and ever will do for England in the future. He could have scored tonight but proceeded to miss an open goal. I think he could do with taking some shooting lessons of Ron Jeremy.

Moving to the other end of the pitch and Paul Robinson had an absolute nightmare. I reckon his namesake off Neighbours would have done a better job today, and he’s a cripple. Robinson should just be named Dracula, cos he is just so scared of crosses its untrue and he couldn’t catch a cold to save his life. I think its time for Calamity to make a long awaited comeback.

Can please someone tell me what on earth Alan Smith is doing playing for England. He is not a goalscorer and is just a thug. I would rather have Emile Heskey up there and that’s not even a joke. In fact, I reckon any Championship striker couldn’t do much worse that Smith. His selection defies any sort of logic and belief.

One other thing, how does Dyer always get in the England squad but Pennant and Bentley are constantly overlooked despite their excellent club form? Answers on a post-card please.

As if the game wasn’t bad enough, we had to put up with some outrageously bad punditry off the BBC. Shearer was at his comical best, saying that Stevie G and Lampard could play together even though he admitted that they had never done so before. Well done Alan, you would make a great manager. Why won’t anyone step in and say what the nation is thinking? Stevie G should be in centre midfield, with a holding midfielder alongside him (Hargreaves/Carrick). Is it really that bloody hard to figure out? Its not like we are dealing a with a puzzle like the Rubiks cube here, its just plain common sense. Its as if there is some players union not to say Lampard should not be playing for England. Let me put it this way, you ask every single manager in world football who they would rather have in their team. Fat or Stevie? I rest my case.