The Seven Commandments of English Football Journalism

Wednesday, 8 August 2007

I found this gem on the football365 forum, I hope to abide by all the rules outlined here, i particularly agree with number 2.

George Best was aptly named, and anyone who questions this should have their testicles removed via their nostrils. Arguments to the effect that his reputation was mostly based on a single matchwinning performance in a European Cup Final (putting him on a par with Filippo Inzaghi) shall be ignored. Don't mention that he won only two other medals in his career. Please use terms such as "lovable", "cheeky" and "extravagant" instead of "violent p*ss-artist."

2. Patronise African teams wherever possible. They don't have bad defenders, they are "defensively naive". A European team can be "efficient"; if they were African the word would be "plucky". African wingers might have "flair" they could certainly never be "cultured". Have you ever heard of a black playmaker?

3. Don't criticise Paul Scholes. Ever. About anything. If you perceive some shortcoming about his game or personality, you are mistaken. Revisit the situation and you'll promptly discover your error. That time he clattered viciously into the back of an opponent, with the ball ten yards away? It wasn't a dirty tackle - that's something Robbie Savage would do - it's just that, ah "Oh Scholesy, he has never really learned to tackle". If anything, you should feel sorry for him. Fifteen years as professional player and he still hasn't mastered the art of not kicking the sh*t out of other players. Poor lad.

4. The correct term to be applied to those managers who the dogs on the street know are on the take is "wheeler-dealer".

5. Don't forget that penalty Shoot-Outs are a "lottery", when in fact they clearly aren't, since they involve the most basic skill in the sport, namely kicking the ball into the goal, and from twelve f**king yards away, and anyone with a modicum of talent can manage that more often than not (I have regularly proved that the reverse is also true). Ignore the seeringly obvious fact that a stronger team will beat a weaker team on penalties more often than not, just as they would in a match lasting 90 minutes, since good players score and save penalties more often than bad ones. Perpetuate the idea that teams who are eliminated on penalty kicks are unlucky, in spite of the fact that both sides invariably spend most of extra time rolling the ball across the back four because they're terrified to make any attacks.

6. Remember The English national team is a sleeping giant: a genuinely world class outfit which constantly and mysteriously underachieves at every major tournament. Disregard that over the last ten years they have outperformed Netherlands and Spain, big football nations who don't spend half as much time p*ssing and moaning. Ignore their spectacularly efficient ability to qualify for major competitions (especially if a foreigner is in charge). Skew all statistics so that only quarter-finals of said competitions are relevant to discussions. And then draw no attention the seeringly obvious fact that the reason why they don't do any better is that English teams are tactically staid and crap at retaining possession of a football for longer than it takes "Stevie G" to belt a grandstanding 70-yard pass to someone who doesn't really want it.

7. Zidane is great despite doing shag-all during the first five years of his career (and then winning only a moderate amount of stuff in teams packed with the best players in the world). Conversely, anything Cristiano Ronaldo has done in the first five years of his career can be disregarded because he's an effeminate diver.

by "and rasiak gives chase" from the Football365 forum.

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