Flippin 'eck

Man Utd 1 Tottenham 0

Man Utd recorded their first win of the season against a struggling Tottenham side. Nani or maybe Tevez grabbed the winner with a 30 yard drive that deflected off Tevez past the always “helpless” Robinson. Nani celebrated with his banned trademark backflip, how long before he lands on his head and is ruled out for the season? Berbatov was as classy as ever and was the centre of another Old Trafford penalty furore. Berbatov chipped the ball past Van Der Sar, and it was heading in, before Wes Brown appeared to have blocked it with his arm. Once again the ref decided against awarding the penalty. Remember, you have to understand, getting a penalty at Old Trafford is probably like having a threesome with the Olsen twins, it’s probably never going to happen in your lifetime. Either way, the video evidence suggests that it wasn’t a penalty, so the referee for once made the right decision. One bright spark for Tottenham was Gareth Bale who looked excellent on the left wing, and what more needs to be said about Berbatov? He is simply a superb player, and him staying with Tottenham is like when you heard Michael Douglas was marrying Catherine Zeta Jones, it made you wonder, surely it’s only because he has money. Sorry Tottenham fans, but I think it’s only a matter of time before Berbatov is holding hands with a better looking partner.

Chelsea 1 – 0 Portsmouth

Chelski limped to an unimpressive win against Pompey who were unlucky not to grab a point. Mourinho blamed the performance on the internationals which was fair enough, but his attempts to also blame the lacklustre performance on the weather was simply laughable. It was about 25C on Saturday, a beautiful day for football. Anyone would think it was about 50C and the players were burning themselves to death. Besides Jose, it’s the same for both teams…it didn’t seem to affect the Portsmouth players did it? Despite such an expensively assembled squad, Chelski’s goal once again via the Wimbledon route one method. Cech’s goal kick helped on my Drogbacite (in the John Fashanu role) for Fat Frank (in the Robbie Earle role) to slip the ball past a beleaguered David James. When will Chelski start producing the kind of football that their outlay justifies?

Sunderland 0 - 2 Liverpool

A very impressive Liverpool dispatched the Black Cats with ease in a comfortable and assured performance, which was completed without talisman Stevie G. Sunderland never really threatened and even Momo Sissoko managed to grab his first goal for the Reds. Torres was a constant menace and the victory was sealed by a fine goal by Voronin, who would well be the free transfer of the season. He looks like a porn star and he certainly finishes like one too his fine low shot completing a fine display. Whisper it quietly; Liverpool could perhaps be at last set to mount a challenge for the title.

Arsenal 1 - 0 Man City

Arsenal are slowly becoming one of the most predictable teams, especially at the Emirates. They create chance after chance, miss all of them, then inevitably grab a winner at the death. Manchester City probably thought they had seen off the Gunners, but Arsenal are like Peter North, they just keep coming and coming. Even a missed penalty by RVP failed to knock them and Fabregas duly hammered home the winner to maintain their unbeaten start. Sven has lost his 100% record but City produced enough to suggest that they can push for a European place this year.

West Ham 1 - 1 Wigan

The points were shared at Upton Park in a mediocre affair. Curbishley has spent big but doesn’t look as though he has made much progress and their fine form at the end of last year appears to have been single handedly to do with the performances of Carlos Tevez rather than the management of the former Charlton man. Wigan continued their excellent start, with Scharner scoring with a brilliant overhead kick. Everyone’s most hated player, Lee Bowyer, bagged an equaliser to guarantee a share of the spoils.

Everton 1 – 1 Blackburn

James McFadden’s low shot handed Everton a point in an entertaining affair with Blackburn. After Wenger’s outrageous claim that Blackburn are violent (did you watch last years League Cup Final Arsene), Mark Hughes’ side produced a fine display. Santa Cruz’s goal came against the run of play, but after that they were in complete control, with David Dunn outstanding. Moyes’ men will be happy to have escaped with a point.

Derby 1 - 2 Birmingham

Hapless Derby continued their rapid return to the Championship with another toothless display. Davies’ policy of buying crap second rate players appears to have already caught up with him and the fact they were outplayed by an average Birmingham City side should be of serious concern. A good result for Potato Head though and Birmingham look as though they may have a fighting chance of staying up this year.

Bolton 3 - 0 Reading

The Trotters romped to victory over an injury depleted Reading at the Reebok. Gary Speed maintained his record of scoring in every Premiership season, and Nicolas Anelka capped a fine display with another goal. This result will buy wee Sammy some much needed time. However, he needs to hold onto Le Sulk and the Senegalese Spitter to have any chance of survival, as without those two, you cannot see Bolton scoring to save their life. In fact, they may need to draft in the great Pele to help with their scoring impotency should they lose their two talismen.

Aston Villa 2 - 1 Fulham

A last gasp goal by Shaun Maloney gave Villa a deserved three points in a game which featured more dodgy decisions than an OJ Simpson trial. Ashley Young gave Baird an absolute roasting which eventually resulted in him being sent off, an incident which tilted the game in Aston Villa’s favour.

Middlesborough 2 – 2 Newcastle

Honours even at the Riverside in a game which was short on overall quality but produced four fine goals. Viduka used all his strength and weight to outmuscle Woodgate to fire home what looked like the winner, only for Sunderland old boy Julio Arca to capitalise on poor defending to fire home an equaliser only minutes later. Not much else to report apart from the fact that Arca appears to slowly be turning into Gareth Southgate in terms of his appearance which is nothing to be proud of.