Cult Heroes….Part 2

There are a number of famous people, including celebrities, who may have long and established careers, but are generally only remember for one faux pas, incident, or genuine life changing moment. Take for example, Bill Clinton. The former American President is generally regarded as one of the most forward thinking and productive leaders, but what is he generally going to be remembered for. His work in Ireland? The Middle-East? Of course not, he is going to be remembered for the fact that he stuck a cigar in Monica Lewinksky’s fanjita. Also take Hugh Grant, who as well as being known for playing the exactly same role in every film he does (bumbling, charming Brit), will always be known for the fact that he got caught getting sucked off by Divine Brown in Sunset Boulevard. You can even take all time legend, Zinedine Zidane. What will he remembered for? That’s right, committing GBH in a World Cup Final. Well, to that long illustrious list you can add Tony Yeboah. And by that, I don’t mean he also got caught with Ms Brown,

Tony Yeboah is famous for pretty much about two to three games in his whole career. Any true football fan will know exactly what I am talking about. If you don’t know what I am talking about then you can piss off to another website (ok, that may be a bit harsh).

In the 1995/1996 season, Tony Yeboah unleashed a magnificent volley to score one of THE greatest goals the Premiership has ever seen. He latched onto a Rod Wallace knockdown to send the ball hurtling past David James at rate of knots from fully 35 yards. It was one of the those goals where if he tried it a 100 times, then 99 times it would end up in Row Z. Added to the fact that this was against Liverpool and this goal has forever endeared Yeboah to the Leeds faithful (and who can forget that celebration).

As if that wasn’t enough, the week after, Yeboah scored arguably a better goal against Wimbledon at Selhurst Park. Collecting the ball 40 yards from goal, some excellent close control created some space for him to send a stunning half volley screaming right into the top corner. Cue more wild celebrations from the Ghanaian. The shot was unofficially timed at a rip-roaring 96mph. That’s a massive 26mph faster than the average cheetah and around six times faster than a turkey at full pace. I shit you not. It was once said that Yeboah had the hardest shot in the world, and this was hilariously put to the test when he decided to exhibit his powerful penalty taking abilities against an unwitting goal keeper. As the penalty was taken, the goalkeeper tried to dodge the ball, but it swerved, smashed into him and broke the goalkeeper’s ribs.

To be fair to Yeboah, his goal record of 33 goals in 62 appearances was not to be sniffed at, and he did score a couple more memorable goals, notably against Manchester United. His Leeds career ended acrimoniously, with a fall out with George Graham signalling his departure(Bung taking prick). Perhaps George got pissed off that Tony wouldn’t track back to help out his defence. However, there is no doubt that Tony will always remain in Premiership folklore.

Tony Yeboah………WE SALUTE YOU!!

(As a child I visited this man’s house in Ghana, he held me as a child and blessed me with the ability to smash volleys as hard as possible, it’s a shame I haven’t quite mastered the accuracy bit. Thank you, Tony. – Ed)

The Baby Faced Assassin...

The baby faced assassin has hung up his boots and decided to retire from the game. As a Liverpool fan it’s hard to provide a tribute to one of our greatest enemies and rivals’ best ever players but you have to give respect where respect is due. Solskjaer will always be remembered for the “divine intervention” moment were he scored in the final seconds of the Champions League Final, some may say his career actually ended that year, because injuries have cursed him ever since and that has ultimately brought his career to an end.

He joined Man Utd in 1996 for a measly fee of £1.5m, scoring 126 goals in 366 appearances. You might say that isn’t the greatest strike rate, but Solskjaer is officially the greatest ever substitute. That said, I think he deserves to be remembered as someone more important and influential than that, often coming off the bench to score some of the most priceless goals in the history of the Premiership. I remember his cameo against Liverpool in the 1999 FA Cup, coming off the bench to score another last minute winner. In the era of players throwing hissy fits, it’s always good to see someone who had the respect for his team and manager to wait on the bench and wait for his chance, and he always seemed to make that impact when he did. He even played on the wing in David Beckham’s absence, and many wondered how Becks would get his place back. Many people will remember the man who came off the bench against Nottingham Forest scored 4 goals in the last 12 minutes to help Man Utd 8-1, simply undeniable brilliance. The man was better on the bench than a 16 yr old drunken chav called Tracy. Lets all hail the man who was the inspiration behind great phrases such as “The Late Rhost” and the “Last minute heart breaker”. The Premiership will miss Ole, but I’m sure fans of the clubs whose hearts he broke will certainly not.

Flippin 'eck

Man Utd 1 Tottenham 0

Man Utd recorded their first win of the season against a struggling Tottenham side. Nani or maybe Tevez grabbed the winner with a 30 yard drive that deflected off Tevez past the always “helpless” Robinson. Nani celebrated with his banned trademark backflip, how long before he lands on his head and is ruled out for the season? Berbatov was as classy as ever and was the centre of another Old Trafford penalty furore. Berbatov chipped the ball past Van Der Sar, and it was heading in, before Wes Brown appeared to have blocked it with his arm. Once again the ref decided against awarding the penalty. Remember, you have to understand, getting a penalty at Old Trafford is probably like having a threesome with the Olsen twins, it’s probably never going to happen in your lifetime. Either way, the video evidence suggests that it wasn’t a penalty, so the referee for once made the right decision. One bright spark for Tottenham was Gareth Bale who looked excellent on the left wing, and what more needs to be said about Berbatov? He is simply a superb player, and him staying with Tottenham is like when you heard Michael Douglas was marrying Catherine Zeta Jones, it made you wonder, surely it’s only because he has money. Sorry Tottenham fans, but I think it’s only a matter of time before Berbatov is holding hands with a better looking partner.

Chelsea 1 – 0 Portsmouth

Chelski limped to an unimpressive win against Pompey who were unlucky not to grab a point. Mourinho blamed the performance on the internationals which was fair enough, but his attempts to also blame the lacklustre performance on the weather was simply laughable. It was about 25C on Saturday, a beautiful day for football. Anyone would think it was about 50C and the players were burning themselves to death. Besides Jose, it’s the same for both teams…it didn’t seem to affect the Portsmouth players did it? Despite such an expensively assembled squad, Chelski’s goal once again via the Wimbledon route one method. Cech’s goal kick helped on my Drogbacite (in the John Fashanu role) for Fat Frank (in the Robbie Earle role) to slip the ball past a beleaguered David James. When will Chelski start producing the kind of football that their outlay justifies?

Sunderland 0 - 2 Liverpool

A very impressive Liverpool dispatched the Black Cats with ease in a comfortable and assured performance, which was completed without talisman Stevie G. Sunderland never really threatened and even Momo Sissoko managed to grab his first goal for the Reds. Torres was a constant menace and the victory was sealed by a fine goal by Voronin, who would well be the free transfer of the season. He looks like a porn star and he certainly finishes like one too his fine low shot completing a fine display. Whisper it quietly; Liverpool could perhaps be at last set to mount a challenge for the title.

Arsenal 1 - 0 Man City

Arsenal are slowly becoming one of the most predictable teams, especially at the Emirates. They create chance after chance, miss all of them, then inevitably grab a winner at the death. Manchester City probably thought they had seen off the Gunners, but Arsenal are like Peter North, they just keep coming and coming. Even a missed penalty by RVP failed to knock them and Fabregas duly hammered home the winner to maintain their unbeaten start. Sven has lost his 100% record but City produced enough to suggest that they can push for a European place this year.

West Ham 1 - 1 Wigan

The points were shared at Upton Park in a mediocre affair. Curbishley has spent big but doesn’t look as though he has made much progress and their fine form at the end of last year appears to have been single handedly to do with the performances of Carlos Tevez rather than the management of the former Charlton man. Wigan continued their excellent start, with Scharner scoring with a brilliant overhead kick. Everyone’s most hated player, Lee Bowyer, bagged an equaliser to guarantee a share of the spoils.

Everton 1 – 1 Blackburn

James McFadden’s low shot handed Everton a point in an entertaining affair with Blackburn. After Wenger’s outrageous claim that Blackburn are violent (did you watch last years League Cup Final Arsene), Mark Hughes’ side produced a fine display. Santa Cruz’s goal came against the run of play, but after that they were in complete control, with David Dunn outstanding. Moyes’ men will be happy to have escaped with a point.

Derby 1 - 2 Birmingham

Hapless Derby continued their rapid return to the Championship with another toothless display. Davies’ policy of buying crap second rate players appears to have already caught up with him and the fact they were outplayed by an average Birmingham City side should be of serious concern. A good result for Potato Head though and Birmingham look as though they may have a fighting chance of staying up this year.

Bolton 3 - 0 Reading

The Trotters romped to victory over an injury depleted Reading at the Reebok. Gary Speed maintained his record of scoring in every Premiership season, and Nicolas Anelka capped a fine display with another goal. This result will buy wee Sammy some much needed time. However, he needs to hold onto Le Sulk and the Senegalese Spitter to have any chance of survival, as without those two, you cannot see Bolton scoring to save their life. In fact, they may need to draft in the great Pele to help with their scoring impotency should they lose their two talismen.

Aston Villa 2 - 1 Fulham

A last gasp goal by Shaun Maloney gave Villa a deserved three points in a game which featured more dodgy decisions than an OJ Simpson trial. Ashley Young gave Baird an absolute roasting which eventually resulted in him being sent off, an incident which tilted the game in Aston Villa’s favour.

Middlesborough 2 – 2 Newcastle

Honours even at the Riverside in a game which was short on overall quality but produced four fine goals. Viduka used all his strength and weight to outmuscle Woodgate to fire home what looked like the winner, only for Sunderland old boy Julio Arca to capitalise on poor defending to fire home an equaliser only minutes later. Not much else to report apart from the fact that Arca appears to slowly be turning into Gareth Southgate in terms of his appearance which is nothing to be proud of.

England, Neighbours & The Karma Sutra....

England were again defeated by the Germans in a poor performance, rather typical of McClaren’s era. Out passed by an German team lacking probably every first team forward they have, no Ballack, Klose, Podolski, Frings, Schweinsteiger, and Lahm playing as a holding midfielder. The Germans have no penetration and lack the strength in depth that England have. Imagine trying to have sex with your girlfriend knowing that you had lost three inches off your manhood, you wouldn’t go in with much confidence would you? But even so, the likes of Kuranyi were still able to cut open an England side with some surprisingly slick passing which I think the England team could learn from. To rehash an old phrase “parcelforce” aka David Beckham was delivering some great trademark parcels, but with small strikers up top and the non existent Alan Smith (words fail me) there wasn’t the cutting edge needed. It was clear that Becks needed a rest, so why didn’t McClaren bring on SWP and see what he could do on the right, as he’s been doing so well for Chelsea. This is clearly the easy option and most intellectual option, but these easy and intellectual are two things McClown seems to have no idea about. SWP gets shunted to the left, and produces a fine display even though he was another player pushed into a position that he didn’t want to be in, let alone Dyer who was placed upfront for some ridiculously strange reason. I think from now one I might have to call him Steve “Karma Sutra” McClaren as he seems to love putting things in the craziest positions possible.

So what have we learned? Well not a great more than what we know already. Firstly, Michael Owen, please do us all a favour and retire from the beautiful game. Tell me, what exactly do you contribute to England these days? I will admit, the service you had was fairly poor but I think your best days are behind you. Can you hold the ball up? No. Can you bring others into play? No. Do you make unselfish runs to help your team-mates? No. Ah, so all you do is play on the last shoulder….but that’s no good. Unless Mickey scores he doesn’t contribute whatsoever to the team. Can any team, let alone England afford that luxury? I don’t think so. Look at Kuranyi today, perhaps not always a goal threat but his all round play was superb and he kept England’s back line on their toes at all time. I think that Owen should just go and setup a market selling a DVD of “that goal” vs Argentina and “that” hat-trick vs Germany. That is pretty much all he has done and ever will do for England in the future. He could have scored tonight but proceeded to miss an open goal. I think he could do with taking some shooting lessons of Ron Jeremy.

Moving to the other end of the pitch and Paul Robinson had an absolute nightmare. I reckon his namesake off Neighbours would have done a better job today, and he’s a cripple. Robinson should just be named Dracula, cos he is just so scared of crosses its untrue and he couldn’t catch a cold to save his life. I think its time for Calamity to make a long awaited comeback.

Can please someone tell me what on earth Alan Smith is doing playing for England. He is not a goalscorer and is just a thug. I would rather have Emile Heskey up there and that’s not even a joke. In fact, I reckon any Championship striker couldn’t do much worse that Smith. His selection defies any sort of logic and belief.

One other thing, how does Dyer always get in the England squad but Pennant and Bentley are constantly overlooked despite their excellent club form? Answers on a post-card please.

As if the game wasn’t bad enough, we had to put up with some outrageously bad punditry off the BBC. Shearer was at his comical best, saying that Stevie G and Lampard could play together even though he admitted that they had never done so before. Well done Alan, you would make a great manager. Why won’t anyone step in and say what the nation is thinking? Stevie G should be in centre midfield, with a holding midfielder alongside him (Hargreaves/Carrick). Is it really that bloody hard to figure out? Its not like we are dealing a with a puzzle like the Rubiks cube here, its just plain common sense. Its as if there is some players union not to say Lampard should not be playing for England. Let me put it this way, you ask every single manager in world football who they would rather have in their team. Fat or Stevie? I rest my case.

The Man In Black.......

Rob Styles has been relieved of his refereeing duties next weekend, and I for one, am a very relieved “unbiased” football fan (haha). Being the man in black is clearly a high pressure job, but let’s compare the decisions a referee has to make with say a doctor. A doctor has to make similar split second decisions, and in his case there are lives on the line; this puts things into perspective. Doctors have all sorts of technology to ensure that they do not make mistakes that could cost someone their life, so why hasn’t football introduced similar technology to ensure that games are decided by fair means. Many will say that technology would slow down the game, and ruin it as a spectator sport., but how much time do we see wasted by players arguing and querying dodgy decisions in a game. The incident at Fulham was testament to this. David Healy was furious that his goal wasn’t awarded, and spent considerable time questioning the linesman and delaying the match. If Healy had had some sort of 3^rd opinion to consult, he wouldn’t have had to argue because he would have been proven right.

Referees are, at the end of the day, human beings prone to making mistakes. They have emotions, allegiances, and now (with the punishments handed out to referees that make mistakes) will have to handle more pressure, which evidently leads to more errors. It’s a vicious circle that can probably only be solved by introducing some sort of conclusive help.

Rob Styles is a referee renowned for making rash decisions; he awarded Liverpool a very dubious penalty last season after an acoustic “foul” on Steven Gerrard; never had the name “Rob” been so apt. And last weekend he awarded a penalty straight out of a Disney movie to rescue a point for Chelsea. To be fair to Styles, he was constantly dealing with players in his face, trying to influence his decision; notably England captain John Terry, whose behaviour clearly did not help the situation. I look at it like this: I remember when I was at school, there were guys who had a tendency to crumble under pressure. The hot girl from across the class would ask them for a pencil, and they would literally wet their pants. These weren’t the guys you would rely on when you needed a wing man; Rob Styles is that guy. He is famed for making mistakes under pressure, and awarding him the biggest match of the season so far was a recipe for disaster. This highlights the refereeing crisis the Premier League is having, where the most high profile English referee goes to the World Cup and embarrasses a nation. Do you think you would ever see Collina giving a player three yellow cards? As bad as Styles’ penalty decision was it was by no means as erroneous as the one that denied Fulham a legitimate goal, and this is why the problem needs to be addressed.

The smokescreen caused by players diving and cheating in world football, does mean referees can find it difficult, but goal line decisions that can be cleared up with one quick glance at a video replay are inexcusable. These are the things I feel need to be introduced to improve the game.

1 – Some tennis type “hawkeye” technology which makes sure it’s conclusive when the ball crosses the line.

2- Video playback and mic link to another party to consult when the referee is in doubt, rather than running to the linesman who is probably just as unsighted/inept/useless/etc. And at the end of the day these incidents are a lot easier to clear up in slow motion from a 1000 different angles.

3 – Allow rugby type mics, so we can all hear the eloquent English being expressed by the likes of Rooney and Diouf.

4 – To stop players constantly crowding the ref, allow one player to talk to the ref, possibly the captain, but in Chelsea’s case this could be a bad idea. Any other player who tries to get involved gets an instant yellow card.

5- If a player feigns injury or is injured they should be taken off the pitch immediately for 5 minutes. That way they are getting treatment if they are injured and if they are not then there team gets penalised for 5 minutes.

6- Any blatantly obvious diving is immediately punished with a red card and a one match ban.

7- Sack Uriah Rennie, Rob Styles and all the other useless referees.

Itchy Feet....

Dedicated in loving memory to Martin Jol…..

Chairmen of premiership football teams are archetypal men. They’re easily bored, easily tempted and nearly always get caught with their pants down. Take the chairman of Tottenham, David Levy. Never mind the fact that Spurs have finished 5^th the last two seasons, Levy now wants a top 4 team. And he appears to doubt Martin Jol, his manager, is the man to give it to him.

Levy behaves like the leader of the cool gang in an American high school. Picture the scene: Levy in the playground surveying all the managers, suddenly realises he’s not satisfied with his simple high school hottie, Jol. He wants someone new, someone all the other chairmen will be jealous of. Enter Juande Ramos, the Sevilla manager. He’s hotter than Jol, much admired and exotic to boot. Levy wants him, and what Levy wants, Levy gets. Now he isn’t just going to stroll over and start chatting up Ramos. Firstly, he’s got a rep to protect, and secondly, he’s still got his current squeeze Jol knocking about. So he does what any self-respecting ‘cool’ gang leader would do, he sends over 2 of his minions to feel Ramos out. Naturally, though, in typical high school movie fashion, the minions aren’t exactly stealth. The illicit party are spotted together in a hotel. Excellent work boys! Now, Levy and co. can use Shaggy’s “I didn’t do it” line all they like, but Jol’s no fool and neither are we. Ramos whilst clearly embarrassed about being outed as ‘that kind’ of manager will no doubt get over it, and stand by his newly acquired man. I expect we’ll see the happy couple parading around White Hart Lane very soon.

So, clearly, football is a harsh game; barely 3 weeks into the premiership campaign and the big man from Holland looks like he’s on his way out. Not a fait a complis just yet, but, so sure are those in the know, his own wife has booked a late summer family holiday in September.

The only possible hope for Jol now, is a resounding thumping of Man United this Sunday. Granted, Man United are experiencing a bit of ‘mare at the moment, in that no one seems to want to score (a bit of a problem in this game), but Spurs just aren’t the sorts to kick a team when their down. They’re nice like that.

So, my suggestion: if you can find a bookie still taking bets, put a couple of quid on Martin to win the sack race. He’ll see you right.

Charlotte

Worst Penalty Ever.....

“Eh Bobby..what is the French for sh*t penalty?”

Well the millions of votes have been counted and the nation has spoken. On Sunday 22 October 2005, Robert Pires and Thierry Henry tried to create one of the most memorable moments in the modern game. However, they only managed to concoct of the funniest incidents the game has seen since Mwepu Llunga of Congo decided to run out of the wall for a free kick and belt the ball upfield after the referee had blown his whistle.

To be fair, what Henry and Bobby tried was innovative and audacious. It’s a shame then that what followed turned out to be little more than a homage to the Chuckle Brothers’s “to me..to you “ shenanigans.

Just to recap, the two Frenchmen were trying to recreate the moment, when in the 1982-83 season, Ajax's Johan Cruyff exchanged passes with team-mate Jesper Olsen before scoring.

However, Pires showed all the bottle of Jean Van de Velde at the British Open as when he tried to start the exchange, he merely rolled his studs on the ball, allowing the Manchester City players to come in and clear the ball. The scenario was even more bizarre as it transpired that Pires and Henry had planned the routine before, except in practice, the roles were to be reversed. Here is the shambles in all its glory.

This really shows why footballers are some of the least intelligent people you will find. Henry and Pires planned everything fine, and then they swap roles at the last minute. That sort of behaviour is akin to two actors learning all their lines then deciding to swap roles before the start of the film. Imagine if Leonardo DiCaprio decided to instead decide to play the part of Juliet and Claire Daynes was going to be Romeo. Exactly.

Thierry and Bobby…you took the worst ever penalty in football history. I can tell from the picture below that you are disappointed about receiving this accolade but don’t worry, life goes on.

YES! YES! NO! NO! NOOOOO!!

Oh dear, this is the moment when Sir Alex thought Tevez had equalised. Akin to meeting a lovely lady in thailand, and then realising she has meat and 2 veg down below. Classic

DAYLIGHT ROB-BERY AT ANFIELD

Liverpool 1 Rob Styles 1

Liverpool were denied three points after a truly awful penalty decision allowed Chelsea to level the scores. Makes you wonder about the sanity of referees these days, the Chelsea players were guilty of harassing Rob Styles at every opportunity, even when decisions went their way. Torres gave Liverpool the lead after latching onto a brilliant through ball from the ever inspirational Steven Gerrard; he knocked the ball past the statuesque Ben Haim and then produced a neat finish reminiscent of Thierry Henry himself. Liverpool looked very comfortable, with Chelsea

Chelsea’s only shot on target came from the penalty spot, the inept Rob Styles awarded a penalty because apparently Finnan impeded Malouda in the box, but in fact it looked like Malouda charged into Finnan. Probably the worst decision I have seen since Steps decided to reform. Styles had clearly been intimidated by the England captain, who consistently got in Rob Styles’ face, when will they punish players for this type of behaviour? The penalty was then converted by the rubenesque Lampard, who then proceeded to run to the away fans and shout “Franki Lampard, Franki Lampard”, and also did a celebration resembling him putting another pizza in the oven, very strange behaviour me thinks. What do you expect from a man who has his own TV channel, which I’m sure will be full of dietary tips for the English public. Rob Styles then proceeded to continue his Graham Poll impression, by clearly booking Essien and not sending him off, he later claimed that he booked Terry, but if that’s true then why did he brandish his yellow card twice? Styles’ performance was similar to letting a blind man take control of a steering wheel, you could just about guarantee there was going to be an accident. All in all, Chelsea will be the happier team, but Liverpool are beginning to look like a side who can finally mount a sustained title challenge.

Man City 1 Man Utd 0

Manchester United fell closer and closer to the relegation zone, after losing to local rivals Man City. For all the possession and chances Man Utd had, its clear that they need a target man upfront or it could all end in tears. Who would have thought that the champions would have scored less goals than Michael Chopra after 3 games. What are the odds on Man Utd playing Plymouth in the Championship next season? Geovvani grabbed the only goal of the game after a deflection off Vidic left Van Der Sar with no chance. The highlight of the game came when Sir Alex thought Tevez had scored, the look on his face from jubilation to sadness was simply priceless. There is talk of Man Utd signing Anelka, and he could be the man to rescue their season, if not they could be out of the title race in August. Man City are looking impressive, I don’t think they are top four contenders, but they will be pushing for a European spot, and in Micah Richards, they have one of the best English talents I have seen, simply superb.

Blackburn 1 Arsenal 1

Jens Lemon produced another comical moment to deny Arsenal three points. I think his days are numbered as Arsenal’s number one, and this howler will go into the archives as one of the worst ever. Arsenal took the lead through Van Persie after a goal line scramble, but all his good work was undone by Lemon, who spilled a routine shot by David Dunn into his own net. Lemon has gone from being one of the best keepers in the world to a Zippos circus act, and if he continues like this we could be seeing the end of the comedy act that is Jens Lemon, similar to the end of Frasier or Friends, I know we all like a bit of comedy.

Fulham 1 Middlesbrough 2

Fulham lost two points thanks to another dreadful refereeing error. David Healy scored a legitimate goal, which was not given even though the goal keeper carried the ball over the line. The linesman somehow did not see it, thus costing Fulham two points. When the season is over, its moments like these that could be crucial, I think its time to introduce some sort of TV replay to make sure mistakes like this are not made in the future. There is a lot at stake in football these days, and to have the fate of games in the hands of one man just doesn’t make sense. But with Tony Warner in goal, Fulham should be pointing the finger at another man, truly disgraceful goalkeeping.

Tottenham 4 Derby 0

Tottenham lifted themselves off the bottom of the table with a comfortable 4-0 victory over Derby, and it was the usually useless Jenas who scored with a fine solo effort, with Malbranque grabbing a brace. Maybe all is not lost for Martin LOL (his new nickname until I can take him seriously again) and Bent also opened his account to pay much a fraction of the 16 million they paid for him. He still needs to buy effectively if Tottenham are going to get anywhere near that 4^th spot this season.

Reading 1 Everton 0

Reading continued their impressive start to the season by beating the pretenders Everton whilst Bolton look in big big trouble after losing 3-1 to Portsmouth. Sammy Lee could be the new favourite to get the sack, after three pointless games.

Newcastle 0 Aston Villa 0

There was a bore draw at St James Park between Newcastle and Aston Villa, with Steve Harper making sure the Geordies got a point. The game saw the return to action of Michael Owen who looked well off the boil. Whilst it was only his first game back, surely his best days are behind him. He is like a Peter North without a dick, he might as well just retire.

Wigan 3 Sunderland 0

Wigan routed a truly awful Sunderland at the JJB which momentarily sent them top of the league. Don’t be fooled though, they have only beaten Boro and the Black Cats at home and they will still be expected to struggle, although Jason Koumas looks as though he could be in for an excellent season.

West Ham 1 Birmingham 0

West Ham gained a narrow but deserved victory over Birmingham thanks to a Mark Noble penalty. Not much to report here but Steve Bruce was back to his moaning about the “big club Vs little club syndrome”. What a load of nonsense. Birmingham have a far bigger fan-base that the Hammers and since when have West Ham become a big club exactly? Shut up Steve and just admit that your team were garbage.

Luke Chadwick - The World's Ugliest Footballer...

You guys voted him the ugliest footballer ever, and I have to agree, he certainly isn’t the most attractive man in the world. He has a face that even his mother would struggle to love. When he was born his parents rolled his baby carriage down a hill in horror, similar to the penguin in Batman . It has been said that he looks like a ferret with acne, and I don’t think that description is far off. If you look on his Wikipedia entry, you will notice that they have refused to put up a picture of him, in fear of reducing internet traffic to their site. Norwich City are currently the club he plays for, and he was once a bright talent on Manchester United’s books, but I think Fergie deemed him far too ugly to play in a side with likes of Beckham and Giggs. He was once interviewed and asked what he would be doing if he wasn’t a footballer, to which he replied “I would be trying to lose my virginity”. Being a footballer is surely the only reason why a man like Luke Chadwick, could even get a woman to look at him, let alone have a “child” with him. Luke Chadwick you are officially the ugliest footballer ever.

The Wheels Are Falling Off......

Portsmouth 1-1 Man United

Well well well. Two games in and everything is going wrong for United. Shrek is out for two months, the cheeky winker is out for three games and they only have two points out of six. They are already four points behind Chelsea despite having played two relatively easy fixtures. Man United dominated last night with the worst tackler in world football, Mr Paul Scholes, outstanding but Pompey rode their luck and a point was about right.

Fergie could not have envisaged that United would have had such difficulties in front of goal this year, with Rooney and Saha injured and Tevez not 100% match fit, things look bleak for the champions. They also lost the brilliant Ronaldo, after he decided to rub his forehead against Richard Hughes(the use of the word headbutt is frankly laughable). I’m sure the majority of the nation revelled in seeing winker sent off, and seeing the champions crumble under the mounting pressure is good for the premiership. Next up; the fast improving Man City, a derby that will be as competitive as ever, and could seriously dent Man Utd’s title chances.

Man City 1 – Derby 0

A moment of brilliance from Michael Johnson lit up this rather pedestrian affair. Sven keeps up his 100% record and Derby have shown all the qualities to suggest that they have no chance of surviving this year. When pundits are saying that you are “fit, organised and work hard it basically means that you have no quality, no flair, no skill and couldn’t score in a brothel.

The only good thing about the game was seeing Kasper Schmeichel slowly beginning to emulate his dad. The star jump, the dominance of his area and the screaming at defenders for no reason were there for all to see. All that is missing now is a red nose and him calling someone a “f*cking black bastard”. Like father, like son and all that.

Wigan 1- 0 Middlesborough

Antoine Sibierksi scored the winner in a dull, desperate affair which probably made Sky Viewers wonder why they paid their monthly subscription. Only 14,000 bothered turning up to watch this garbage, which surely just confirms that both these teams are going down faster than Divine Brown on Hugh Grant. Except that he actually got some enjoyment out of it.

Birmingham 2-2 Sunderland

A late equaliser from Blues old boy Stern John could be crucial to the Black Cats at the end of the season and Steve “Potato Head” Bruce will be left disappointed that his side couldn’t hold on after Garry O’ Connor had put Birmingham in front. Though they may be a bit upset with the equalizer as their keeper was clearly made to tap out in a crippler cross face fashion, leaving John with an open goal in which to silence the home crowd.

Fulham 2-Bolton 1

A howler from Tony Warner allowed Helguson to put Bolton in front but goals from Healey and Smertin handed the Cottagers (does that mean they are all gay?) the points. Bolton could be in real trouble this year and Sammy Lee looked like a drowned rat in the dugout. Fulham will probably finish higher than the Trotters but does anyone really care?

Reading 1- Chelsea 2

A typical Chelsea performance really at the Madejski. They looked distinctly average in the first half but a few substitutions and a half time roasting from Jose Mourinho (I bet John Terry feels like he missed out) appeared to do the trick. Fat Frank found his shooting boots (no deflections required) but please stop with that terrible celebration. Why are you kissing your wedding ring? Everyone knows you got caught with you pants down in a hotel with some piece of filth, so stop pretending that you are some sort of perfect husband. The Drog-Father gave Chelsea that extra cutting edge and they really look as though they want to wrestle the title back from Man United this year.

So much so, that they have resorted to try and trick the opposition. Reading players were probably thinking “oh, it’s just a steward, in his bright yellow jacket…..just leave him be….oh sh*t…he’s actually playing...get to him!!” What other explanation can there be for a team using the same dress code as those people working at airports?

Sunil

Spurs Get Tuesday Blues.....

Spurs 1 Everton 3

What can I say about Spurs? Total and utter shambles, though to be fair to them they have been very unlucky with injuries. But you seriously have to question Martin Jol’s purchases in the transfer market. Everton were by far the superior side, and surely with the aging midfield they have you would have thought that Spurs could make an impact, but clearly they could not. Now imagine a glamour model, for the glamour model to succeed she needs to be well rounded in all areas, so she spends money on a stomach tuck and a nose job, but unfortunately she won’t be successful because she has a flat chest. There you have it, Spurs have a flat chest, and with the likes of Jenas in there you might as well call it concave. Jenas and Zakora were totally outclassed by Arteta, who is fast becoming one of the best players in the Premiership.

Darren Bent did not impress on his home debut, but he got the kind of service you would expect from an Indian call centre, and he can’t expect it to get much better until key players return from injury and Spurs buy some quality midfielders. Everton looked very solid, and will be expected to push the top four until the end of the season, with Arteta and Osman looking particularly classy. Jol needs to buy some decent midfielders, or expect to be to be in serious trouble this season.

Cult Heroes.....Part 1

Mick Quinn

Cult Heroes is about those players who have retained legendary status over the years, albeit for their dodgy haircut, their terrible footballing ability or the fact you wonder how on earth they managed to become a professional in the beautiful game.

Thankfully, Mick Quinn, our first Cult Hero, ticks most of those boxes. The former scouser Centre Forward is a throwback to the days when being a footballer was about being just that, being able to kick a ball. He was from a generation from long before the new era where being a primed athlete was equally as important. Mick Quinn got paid to put the ball in the back of the onion bag, which he did on a regular basis. It is often said that a good striker will always “finish his dinner”. However, Quinn perhaps took this a bit too literally, as after finishing his dinner, he would then proceed to finish everyone else’s for them. Hence him looking like Bob Carolgees’ long lost twin. For those of the younger generation, Bob Carolgees was the rather portly sidekick of Cilla Black on early nineties show Surprise Surprise. Below is a picture of Bob Carolgees with his favourite dog (no jokes about Cilla please)

Quinn’s goal scoring record was impressive, as he rattled in 54 goals in 121 apps at Portsmouth before he moved to Newcastle where he scored 59 goals in 115 matches. A brief spell at Coventry resulted in 25 goals in 64 matches. It was often said that Mick Quinn was the “fastest player over a yard”, (perhaps that should be “fattest”). In 2003, he released his own autobiography “Who ate all the pies?” in reference to his not so strapping physique. When scoring a hat-trick in games, many players like to keep the ball as a souvenir, but it may have been possible that Quinn instead decided to eat his. In fact, the closest a player like Mick Quinn would get to a football team these days would be as a man selling burgers outside the football stadium, although there are strong rumours that Mark Viduka has modelled his game on Quinn, right down to his diet.

Mick Quinn…………WE SALUTE YOU!!!!!!!

Sunil

Photo Of The Weekend.....

I'm loving the 10-0-0 formation here.

The Big Kick Off.......

Sunderland 1 Spurs 0

After all the preseason hype, Spurs reminded us all why they really have not got what it takes to break into the top four. A truly awful performance from Spurs opened up the 2007/2008 premiership season, with Michael Chopra grabbing the winner with a classy finish, after some spirited defending from Roy Keane’s Sunderland. Chopra had only managed one goal in the Premiership previously during his time at Newcastle, and Martin Jol was clearly livid that his second was the reason that Spurs lost a game they really should have won.

With all the great striking talent they have, their midfield resembles a mish mash of Latvian part timers, with the increasingly useless Jenas providing the creative impetuous (its hard not to laugh when writing that, how dare I use the word creative). Can someone tell me what Jenas actually does on a football pitch? I know what the grounds men, physios and mascots all do, but I’m still struggling to figure out what his purpose is. Without some major improvements to their midfield, I think Spurs will continue to underachieve. They do have some key players to return from injury, so all is not lost, but what baffles me is how can you have a lack of quality midfielders, when you have spent more money than anyone else barring Chelsea in the last few years.

Aston Villa 1 Liverpool 2

Liverpool used their famous get out of jail free card, namely Steven Gerrard to get the 3 points at Villa Park. The performance was reminiscent of last season, with Liverpool squandering plenty of chances to put the game out of reach after going ahead through a Laursen own goal. The Torres and Kuyt partnership looks good, and the chemistry between these two men could one day be as good as Elton John and David Furnish. Regardless of the new signings, Steven Gerrard is still the man for the big occasions, scoring a wonderful free kick after a dubious decision from the referee. With Gerrard now playing firmly in the centre, and new signings Babel and Torres looking impressive, I think Liverpool’s title challenge may last longer than an adolescent sexual experience. Villa still have a lot of work to do with Reo-Mediocre living up to his new nick name. With the money they have, I think they need to invest more to compliment the brilliant talents they have upfront.

West Ham 0 Man City 2

Sven is back in business. He may be a chequebook manager, and signing players based on DVDs and Youtube may not be ideal, but Sven has never been a man to do things conventionally. The new look Man City look rather impressive, and the new signings seem to have adapted to the Premiership very quickly. In Elano, I think they have one of the singings of the season, his all round play was superb and he made Upson look like a traffic cone when he ghosted past him to set up Bianchi for the 1^st goal. Sven probably scored more times last year than the whole Man city frontline, but with the Acquisitions of Boijinov, Bianchi and Geovanni, I don’t think goals will be a problem this season.

West Ham didn’t look great, with the back line being opened up more times than a Dutch prostitute. They didn’t have enough upfront, and I feel they will need to push Ashton into the starting line up as soon as possible if they are to move on from the ineptness of last season.

Bolton 1 Newcastle 3

Big Sam puts his former team to the sword with an impressive performance from Newcastle. Removing Bramble from the Newcastle backline is the equivalent of going on Extreme makeover, suddenly things are a lot better looking. With Martins upfront they have a striker ready to take the Premiership by storm this season. His unorthodox bicycle kick was something special, and I think Martins and Viduka will turn out to be one of the most underrated and effective strike forces in the Premiership. Even without the infinitely injured Michel Owen, Newcastle will probably be the most improved side this season.

Arsenal 2 Fulham 1

Different season; same story. Arsenal go behind thanks to an error from their crazy goalkeeper, they then control the game, create hundreds of chances, and fail to score. They were fortunate enough to get a questionable penalty to level things up, and also something as rare as a giant panda, something that you may never see again. A brilliant performance from Alexander Hleb, which he topped off with a goal in the 89^th minute to snatch three points at the death. If Arsenal are to progress they will have to start taking their chances, or they can expect to have another season wondering what would have happened if Thierry was still around.

Man Utd 0 Reading 0

The Alamo springs to mind when I watched this match. Reading literally had 11 men behind the ball for 90 minutes, and I think 75% possession is a reflection of that. As Coppell said, if they had played 4-4-2 they would have got destroyed, so the tactics were spot on. Not a great start for the champions, with Wayne Rooney going off injured with a fractured foot again. When a man of Michael Duberry’s size stomps down on you, there is only going to be one outcome. Unlucky for Rooney, but Man Utd have bought an ideal replacement in Carlos Tevez, but if he isn’t ready for Portsmouth, then expect the clinical John O’Shea upfront again, how comical was that. Nani did not impress on his debut, with his touch sometimes as delicate as a WWF wrestling move. Ronaldo will find life much harder this season, and with Giggs and Scholes ageing maybe the title defence won’t be the forgone conclusion we were all expecting.

Chelsea 3 Birmingham 2

Chelsea broke Liverpool’s unbeaten top flight home record with a hard fought win 3-2 win against newcomers Birmingham. New signings Malouda and Pizarro continue to impress, both scoring on their debuts. If not for some frankly shocking goalkeeping from Doyle, the result may have been different. Makes you wonder whether there was some Bruce Grobelaar match fixing going on, especially considering the importance of the match. Kapo is another new signing that impressed me, scoring a brilliant goal to level the game at 2-2, but it was the half man, half machine hybrid of Michael Essien who grabbed the winner for Chelsea, and another one to forget for Colin Doyle. 64 home games without defeat is an unbelievable record, makes you wonder, will they ever lose another home game?

Everton 2 Wigan 1, Middlesbrough 1 Blackburn 2 & Derby 2 Portsmouth 2

Everton beat the relegation favourites Wigan with an effective performance. Matt Derbyshire scores the winner for Blackburn against the truly terrible Middlesbrough, and attempts to recreate a classic Steven Gerrard celebration, and fails miserably. Santa Cruz was also on the score sheet, coming of the bench to score on his debut. Derby secured a late draw against Harry Redknapp’s League of Nations, thanks to a diving header from Andy Todd.

Championship Corner

Just in case you wondering that we are only bothered about the happenings in the Premiership, this is the first in a series of articles which will look at the Championship. In fact, with the Premiership season revolving largely around the big 4 (sorry Spurs fans) it may be argued that the Championship provides more entertaining viewing as so many of the teams are evenly matched, with any number of 12-15 teams fighting for the top six places in attempt to reach the Holy Grail (by that I mean the Premiership and not Mary Magdalenes fanjita)

The Championship Season 07-08 looks set to be one of the most competitive yet and with the rewards for promotion increasing in monetary value by the year it could well be one of the most enthralling.

I will start by looking at the main contenders for the Championship crown and inevitably, all eyes will be on the 3 teams which have just been relegated from the top flight. So who is likely to join the Big Guns next year?

Watford went down with a whimper as they were found out to be desperately short on quality when it mattered. Their star player, Ashley Young, was sold midway through the season and with their top striker Marlon King out for virtually the whole campaign, their relegation was as guaranteed as Tim Henman bottling it at Wimbledon or Jimmy White losing to Stephen Hendry at the Crucible. However, this season will be a different kettle of fish and in Adrian Boothroyd, they have one of the countries up and coming young managers. Whilst they may not be the prettiest team to watch this season, Boothroyd will have his team fit and organised and hard to beat, essential qualities in this league. You could say that the Hornets will be German-esque, except without the dodgy mullets and porn stars. With most of the squad in tact from last year and a return for Marlon King, the Hornets will be strong contenders, although losing Mr Bouzza to Fulham could prove to be a Hameur blow (snigger snigger). The attacking midfielder-cum striker caught the eye of a few teams in the top flight, following his starring role in Watford’s run to the F.A Cup Final last year, where they eventually succumbed to Manchester United.

After last season’s last day heartbreak, Bryan Robson has been trusted with galvanising Sheffield United into taking the Championship by storm. Robson’s appointment has divided the fans with many thinking he may not be the man to take the club forward. His reign at WBA ended in bitter disappointment with the euphoria of the Great Escape followed by relegation and a failure to convince the fans and chairman alike that he could get the Baggies back into the top flight. Although he previously gained promotion from Middlesborough, his track record has raised questions, with many believing he is simply a chequebook manager. The pressure will be on from the start, though he has signed former Scunthorpe striker Billy Sharp and if he can click with former England man James Beattie they will be a partnership which could potentially cause havoc this year. Add in to the mix Rob Hulse and Jonathan Stead and the Blades should have a real cutting edge this year (Blades….cutting edge….sigh). The sale of inspirational skipper Phil Jagielka will be a big loss although the addition of that snivelling little toe rag Lee Hendrie may provide that extra bit of quality which is essential to win the big games.

Alan Pardew’s Charlton are most people’s tip for the title, although much will hinge on their ability to replace the goals of star striker Darren Bent who has moved to Spurs in a club record deal. Pardew has also recently lost the services of skipper Luke Young. Pardew’s reign at West Ham will stand him in good stead as he attempts to build a side which is capable of getting out of arguably the toughest league in the world. Before his ill-fated departure at West Ham, Pardew’s side played with pace, power and strength and that is the sort of side he will be looking to build at the Valley. Chris Iwleumo has been drafted in along with former MK Dons hot-shot Izale Mcleod in attempt to plug the gap left by Bent. And in Jerome Thomas and Andy “I’m not fat, just big boned” Reid, Pardew has players who have the ability to take this league by storm.

Turning now to the other contenders, and I shall start with West Brom who lost in the multi million play off-final to Billy Davies’ Derby last year. Tony Mowbray’s side were one of the most exciting to watch in the country last year, with over 100 league goals in all competitions. However, their brand of football often left them to susceptible to the strong arm tactics employed by other sides and they were left to settle for a play off place. The departures of top scorer Diomansy Kamara and star midfielder Jason Koumas has left a huge void. The departures of Curtis Davies and Paul Robinson also seem inevitable and have left Mowbray with a huge rebuilding job. The additions of Leon Barnett, attacking midfielder Filipo Texeira and former Celtic front man Craig Beattie have appeased the fans and with more signings to follow, Baggies fans can look forward to another rollercoaster ride as Mowbray aims to be one of the few managers to gain promotion from the Championship playing expansive attacking football.

Mick “I got owned by Roy Keane” McCarthy’s Wolves, who were defeated in the play offs by their bitter rivals, were one of last years surprise packages. McCarthy has built a young side with most signings plucked from the lower leagues to compliment the experience he already has at his disposal. This could not be typified more than by the emergence of Michael Kightly, signed from non-league Grays, whose match-winning performances caused the top Premiership clubs to cast envious glances. The addition of Stuart Elliot and Freddy Eastwood has increased Wolves goal threat and the dog-heads will definitely be front runners this campaign as McCarthy looks to build on last season.

Southampton’s penalty shoot out defeat at the hands of eventual play off winners Derby will have left them deflated and the departure of golden boy Gareth Bale will have done little to help. However, in George Burley, they have one of the Championship’s most respected and knowledgeable managers (well, he did sell Titus Bramble) and he will be expected to produce again this term. A play off spot remains likely but further additions will be necessary in order to maintain a sustained challenge for the top two spots.

On-the-bench’s tip

Champions: Charlton

Runners Up: Wolverhampton Wanderers

Play Offs: Southampton

Sunil

The Great Premiership Sack Race

Sunday’s curtain raiser at Wembley, as dull as it was, has finally brought home the reality that the football season begins this Saturday. Thank God. This season’s drought of summer of sport has left all us football fans surfing the internet or reading papers scratching around for transfer gossip only to be bored to tears by stories such as the Tevez saga and Beckham’s retirement (sorry I meant re-location) to Los Angeles.

But at last, the fun is about to start and we can look forward to an enthralling battle for the Premiership title. Many of you I am sure may be fancying a flutter on who is going to win the Premiership this season. However, before you all rush to the bookies, perhaps you should think about instead considering who is going to be first to get the bullet, mainly because you will have to wait for a shorter amount of time before picking up your winnings.

There are a number of rules when deciding who is going be the first to get the boot in the Premiership.

Rule 1: Stick all your money on Graeme Souness.

Unfortunately the Tom Selleck look a-like is currently out the game so we have to look further afield. In such cases you have to follow the second rule

Rule 2: Stick all your money on the manager of the team who signs Titus Bramble.

Step forward Chris Hutchings.

Wigan survived by the skin of their teeth last year with Paul Jewell in charge, mainly due to the ineptitude of Sheffield United to avoid defeat against them on the last day of the season. Hutchings appointment smacks of desperation, and his managerial nightmare at Bradford will have done little to impress the Wigan faithful. Many of the players who were outstanding in Wigan’s first Premiership season have gone, such as the likes of Roberts, Chimbonda, Bullard and De Zeuuw. Much maligned left back Leighton Baines has also just completed his transfer to Everton. And who has been brought into replace them? Titus Bramble, Mario Melchiot and the likely addition of Paul Robinson (not the cripple of Neighbours). The Wigan fans should be concerned. Any manager who believes that Bramble could play for England has clearly lost his marbles and should be sectioned immediately. Ironically, at Bradford, Hutchings was appointed the season after Paul Jewell had kept them in the league on the final day. Relegation from the Premiership was swift. As Ron Atkinson would say, could it be déjà vu all over again? Hutchings is also the same man who believed that Stan Collymore could provide the goals to help Bradford survive in that same year. Shame that Stan the Man saved all the scoring for his dogging antics. Turning to the present day, Jason Koumas may bring some much needed guile and craft to their midfield but with a defence like a sieve and less up top than Keira Knightley, Hutchings has the equivalent of Delhi belly, problems at both ends. Wigan looked nailed on to go down this year and Hutchings is the obvious top pick to be the first man to get the boot.

As for the outsiders, Billy Davies’ tenure at Derby has been consistently dogged (nothing to do with Stan Collymore) by rumours of unrest. He has done a stirling job so far and you would think it unlikely that he would not be given a fair crack of the whip for one season. However, the Premiership is an expensive league to fail in these days, and a poor start for the Rams could see Davies heading towards the exit door with his assistant Craig Brown waiting in the wings. Davies has so far made a clutch of mediocre signings and so much could depend on Robert Earnshaw finding his scoring boots. All is not lost though, as the Welsh midget/dwarf who resembles something out of Alien (and I ain’t talking about Sigourney Weaver), is second only to Thierry Henry as the player with the best goals-to-minutes ratio in Premiership history (I sh*t you not).

Steve Bruce was one game from the sack last year at Birmingham but after the backing of the board, he turned around their fortunes and led them to the promised land. Bruce will be given plenty of financial clout again this year but they have yet to really strengthen in the defensive third which could be their major weakness, especially after losing Matthew Upson to West Ham last season. Much will depend on his signings leading up to transfer deadline day and the likes of Garry McSheffrey stepping up a level successfully. Furthermore, the potential takeover by Carson Yeung could mean that he is under pressure from the start, especially with Yeung wanting to draft in a number or Chinese players. It may well be possible that Chinese is not Steve Bruce’s favourite dish this season. Birmingham’s woeful relegation campaign last time they were in the Premiership was caused by Bruce trying to get Birmingham to try and play football. His signings that season of Emile Heskey and Jesper Gronjkaer would suggest he really does not know how to spend money wisely, and the failed signing of Hossam Ghaly will have left a sour taste in his mouth. The broken nosed one certainly has a long way to go to prove that he can establish Birmingham City in the Premiership.

Sammy Lee has huge job to follow in the footsteps (or should that be mammoth prints) of Big Sam Allardyce. He has yet to really strengthen the squad and with rumours abound of Le Sulks departure, the Trotters will again have to really on scraping results and sticking to what they are good at. i.e. bullying teams into defeat. However, it also appears that Lee could be on the verge of losing lynchpin Abdoulaye Faye. Another thing standing in his way is the fact that Sammy Lee is so small. I can’t think of many successful short managers and the same applies to Chris Hutchings who fits into the same midget category. Perhaps their size will make it easier for them to inevitably be thrown from their managerial seat.

For those who fancy an outside bet, Gareth Southgate could be worth a look. An indifferent first season for the Euro 96 villain has been followed by the departure of talisman Mark Viduka. Boro will be relying heavily on the Yak Attack this season and the fitness of Jonathon Woodgate. The signing of Luke Young will hardly set the pulses racing and a new striker is desperately needed. Southgate recently came out and said that Middlesborough had done fantastically well to have been in with a shout of signing Alan Smith, a man who is nowhere near the goalscorer that Mark Viduka was. In fact, the last time he scored regularly was when he was going out with Gemma Atkinson, Ronaldo’s latest beau. And to be fair, she has more going for her up front than Boro currently do. It is also well known that Chairman Steve Gibson is huge fan of Tony Mowbray and so his position at the Baggies could have a huge bearing on Southgate’s future

On-the-Bench’s tip – Chris Hutchings 9/2

Outside bet – Steve Bruce/Sammy Lee 10/1 and 8/1 respectively

Long Shot- Gareth Southgate 12/1

Sunil