Premiership Ups & Downs...

After last week's Roast Watch shenanigans, its back to the bread and butter of the Premiership weekend. Here are the latest Ups & Downs

Going Up

Liverpool

Liverpool produced a superlative performance to destroy Bolton at Anfield as they again showed that they are not out of the title race. Stevie G may have been garbage for England but his club form at the moment speaks for itself and he was at the centre of all of Liverpool's good work on Sunday. What must also not be forgotten is that Liverpool's excellent form has taken place despite the absence of Pennant, Alonso and Agger, who are all arguably first teamers even in Rafa's rotational rota. This has been Liverpool's best start for many years and Rafa's rotation means that his team normally finish strongly after Xmas and even Harry "playing for a new contract"Kewell looks sharp. His rotation policy can only really be judged at the end of the season, but its looking good so far and 21 goals in 5 games is simply awesome. All he needs to do now is keep his mouth shut to make sure he doesn't get booted out as the Reds look to mount a serious title challenge.

Arsenal

The Gooners gained an impressive victory against a resurgent Aston Villa to stretch their lead at the top of the Premiership. The first half was a masterclass in football and you wouldn't known have known that Fabregas was missing as they handed out a pure footballing lesson. This was despite falling behind to a Gardner goal early on. Aston Villa's record against Arsenal is almost as bad as against Manchester United. The last time they beat the Gooners was when Dion "Long Schlong" Dublin (or so I have heard) bagged a hat-trick. I think that when Gardner scored even the players and fans alike knew that they would capitulate as they did against Manchester United a few weeks back. And so they did as some superb one touch football resulted in goals for Flamini and Adebayor before the break. Adebayor has ditched the celebratory jig and instead indulged with some hand clapping gayness with Eboue after his bullet header put Arsenal in front. Not sure if he picked the moves up at a playground or something but I wasn't particularly impressed.

Villa turned the screw in the 2nd half and Carew was unlucky to hit the post but overall it was probably a deserved win for the Wengerboys as they maintained their unbeaten start. Hleb was again the outstanding performer. The only person who I think can dribble better than him is probably Michael Jordan in his heyday. Hleb has been superb this season, and whilst his prettier partner has been getting all the glory, i think Hleb has been the real star of the show.

Ronaldo

The cheeky winker was in dynamic form as Man Utd comfortably overcame Fulham at Old Trafford. The only blemish was a booking for diving late on but even that looked a little harsh. Probably the best player on his day in today's Premier League.

Bentley

A few weeks ago we weren't sure whether his was Betnely or Bentley but there is no doubt that the midfielder is having an outstanding season as his two piledrivers heaped yet more pressure on Big Sam and reaffirmed Blackburn as top 6 contenders this season. Not sure if that ginger cheerleader was there on Saturday but if he was I am sure he was going positively mental. However, there are rumours he may be kicked out after he tried to get the crowd to spell out the name of player Zurab Khizanishvilli. Think about it...." Give me a Z........."

Chelsea

Another win for Avram's revamped Chelsea boys, he might look like a frog, but he is by no means an awful coach. There's no denying that come January the ANC will cripple them, but at the moment they are right in the hunt. But I'm guessing, Roman will spend another 200 billion in January to keep the Chelsea machine going.

Going Down

Nicolas Anelka, El Hadji Diouf and Disclipinary Action

Nicolas Anelka had a nightmare of Ronny Rosenthal proportions as his howler effectively handed the points to Liverpool on Sunday. Anelka got his bearings hopelessly wrong as he missed a completely open goal and minutes later Torres sealed the game with a superb finish after a brilliant through ball from Stevie G. Anelka afforded himself a wry smile after his effort, but with misses like that I don't think he will be going anywhere in the transfer window.

Diouf aka "The Camel" was back to his disgraceful best as he tried to break Arbeloa's leg in a shocking tackle which only resulted in a yellow card. The Senegalese Spitter then had the cheek to moan about the decision. That's a bit like complaining after winning £100 million on the lottery that it was not enough money for you. The cheek. However, because the referee gave a yellow the decision must stand and no further punishment taken. I am not sure why this rule was implemented but it annoys the fuck out of me. Surely he must be punished for such a terrible decision and handed a 3 match ban? Why is that decisions can be rescinded but extra punishments not enforced? I am pretty sure that when Roy Keane said in his autobiography that he intended to "do" Alf Inge Haaland, he was retrospectively punished despite already having been given a red card. What was different there? We now have the possible ridiculous scenario that Robbie Keane may be handed a 3 match ban for a mis-timed tackle but Diouf is allowed to get away scot-free for a potential career ending tackle. As Chazz Michael Michaels would say on Blades of Glory....totally MIND BOTTLING.

Titus Bramble

There was huge controversy this week as a teacher in Sudan was imprisoned for letting her schoolchildren name their teddy bear Titus Bramble. Members of the Sudanese population marched onto the streets demanding that she be handed the death penalty for such a heinous crime which insulted all teddy bears around the country. This situation has been resolved amicably but one thing that hasn't changed is that Titus Bramble is still shit. This season has been slightly light on Bramble howlers but he was back to his brilliant best as his first minute balls up handed Man City an early goal at the JJB. Hopefully there will be a few more before Xmas as a Titus Bramble Bloopers DVD would make a great stocking filler.

Guy With The Laser Pen At Stamford Bridge

Some idiot tried to shine a laser in the Drogfather's face at Stamford Bridge on Saturday. Let's face it, the horse faced clown doesn't need any incentive to dive on the floor writhing in agony so save your pen for the Powerpoint presentation on Monday morning you prat. On a serious note though, there is no excuse for this kind of thing in football.

Tottenham

Are Spurs too good to go down? Well, until they sort out their desperate defence they could be in for a relegation scrap like West Ham were last season. Their is no doubting their attacking quality but they have more holes at the back than a golf course and they need to score 4 goals a game just to get a point these days. I am not entirely sure why the perpetually injured King was not suitably replaced at the beginning of the season instead of the board spunking £17m on goal machine Darren Bent (ahem), but it is a decision which must be rebalanced in the Transfer Window or else Tottenham will be in in the lower reaches for the remainder of the season.

Ramos will succeed at Spurs, but this season is a total write off. Robbie Keane is a great player, but am I the only one that thinks that he scores meaningless goals? I know that sounds stupid, but he seems to always score a brace and then Tottenham go on to lose or draw the match. His sending off was harsh to say the least. Turn the table upside down and Tottenham might just scrape that top four finish.

Big Sam

Its almost the end of the road for Big Sam, put your house on it.

Aston Villa

Bottlers. I don’t think I need to write more. They have also drawn Man Utd in the Cup at home, and as we all know its Christmas everytime United go to Villa Park. Expect Man Utd to dump Villa out of the Cup for like the 6^th time in 10 years.

Derby

When you concede a last minute winner in a such a huge 6 pointer you know its all over. I suppose they are lucky its not technically a 6 pointer in terms of points lost or else they would be even worse off