***Roast Watch*** A Brazilian Special

Well well well, its been a while since the last obscene act of a professional footballer, but this one is a classic. These two men below are probably two of the most talented footballers in world football today, but as we found out over the past few weeks they like to indulge in a bit of roasting too.











So Brazil won a World Cup qualifier against Ecuador last Wednesday, and to celebrate these two decided to involve themselves in what only can be described as an alcohol fueled orgy. You will notice that neither player was selected to play in their respective weekend fixtures.

The Brazilian daily newspaper O Globo, were kind enough to provide us with some quite simply hilarious details about the celebrations.

They described Ronaldinho as someone who played a very prominent role in the celebrations and apparently he was the last footballer to leave the disco – at 11am, hidden in the boot of a car to avoid being photographed.

The most hilarious and shocking part of it is to do with Robinho, a man who apparently has a fiance and is expecting his first child.

"At one point Robinho – who had been seen dancing with a voluptuous blonde – asked a security guard “for 40 condoms,” the report said, adding that the Real Madrid player left the disco at 5am."

40 condoms? What does one man need with 40 condoms? The only thing I could think of was that he was planning on banging someone who has around 1000 sexual partners and wanted to make sure he didn't catch anything so he thought he would strap up with 40 Johnnys. So I wonder.... who was this person that had slept with over 1000 people?


Jokes aside, I am sure the two playmakers were loving the fact that they were up to their Brazil nuts in guts, although after wearing 40 condoms I am not sure that they would have actually felt anything. Both players have denied any involvement in this shambles which isn't surprising really given their current form. I think its about time they focused their attention on getting back to their best on the football pitch

Stay tuned for more RoastWatch coming soon......

Cult Heroes....Part 4

Many footballers ,as well as being incredibly thick and having a limited vocabulary which means that they can only talk in cliches, are also blessed with good looks. Beckham, Redknapp (not Harry) and Ginola are a few names that spring to mind. However, the same cannot be said of our next cult hero, Sasa Curcic, former Bolton and Aston Villa legend. Let's face it, he wasn't exactly at the front of the queue when looks were handed out. In fact, I am not entirely sure that he made it to the queue, and was probably held up in a traffic jam. Poor bastard.

The Serbian superstar arrived in the Premiership in 1995 and was an instant hit with the Bolton fans, with his dazzling midfield runs and eye for goal. In fact, he scored one of the most memorable goals of all time with a fine individual effort at Stamford Bridge which announced his arrival in the Premiership. Unfortunately, for him and Bolton, his fine form waned over the course of the season, and Bolton were promptly relegated.

Aston Villa manager Brian Little subsequently spared Curcic from the lower leagues and snapped him up for the sum of £4m. Curcic's spell was nothing short of a disaster and he failed to get anywhere near the heights he reached at Bolton. Even his bum chum Savo Milosevic couldn't help him but lets face it, that would be a bit like going to a drug rehab clinic and finding that Linday Lohan was your supervisor (not that I would be complaining).

Curcic admitted he went off the rails at Villa Park and was taking as many drugs as Pete Doherty. However, unlike Pete Doherty, who managed to rip Kate Moss, Curcic's mug prevented him from attaining such beauties. So, following his transfer to Crystal Palace, he had a nose job, presumably to also help him snort cocaine a bit easier.


Curcic then moved on for a very brief spell in the MLS, where he proclaimed to be the new Dennis Rodman (yes, I am confused as well). I can only presume he has a dong like a baby's arm. It certainly can't be the fact that he married himself as Rodman did, because Curcic was so ugly and a divorce would quickly be on the cards. Imagine what the kids would have been like.

The Serbian retired in 2000 and did so with the following magical quote.


"I would not sign for another club, not even if I was offered 15 million dollars. However, it would be different if they were to instead offer me 15 different women from all around the world. I would tell the club chairman: 'Please let me make these women happy - I will satisfy them like they have never been satisfied before'."

For that alone he is a legend.

Curcic then bizarrely went on to win the equivalent of Celebrity Big Brother in his home country, so fair play to him.

Sasa Curcic...........WE SALUTE YOU!!!!!

Sunil

Premiership Ups & Downs...

Going Up

Chelsea & Avram

So finally Chelsea are finally playing the champagne football that Roman craves so much. It really looks like Chelsea are back in the hunt, and the performances of Drogba and Frank Lampard were something to be admired. He might be slightly rubenesque and probably England's most hated footballer, but no one can deny his defence splitting pass for Drogba was quite possibly the pass of the season. Chelsea showed why they are still unbeatable at home, and against a side that had been threatening to break into the top 4, you really cant underestimate how impressive this result really is, even Shevchenko got a goal, says a lot really doesn't it. Let's not get carried away though, many may be already proclaiming Avram as a saviour, but I'm sure at the end of season Chelsea fans would sacrifice the champagne football and those 6 goals for the 6 trophies Mourinho brought to the bridge.

Man Utd, Tevez & Rooney

So Man Utd notched up another win, scoring 4 goals for the 4th time in a row. When I heard Tevez was joining Man Utd I instantly thought him and Rooney were too similar to play with each other. Both players are short, stocky and have faces that wouldn't require a costume at a Halloween party, but no one can deny that the partnership has blossomed very nicely. These two may never hit the highs on and off the pitch that Yorke and Cole hit, but they are developing an understanding very similar to what the "footballing brothers" had in the late 90s. Tevez's first goal was testament to that. Tevez latched onto a very clever Rooney back heel and cooly slotted in the corner, it was simply sublime and I'm sure Alex Ferguson is hailing his Frankenstein-esque striking partner creation.

Arsenal & Hleb

At the beginning of the season I genuinely didn't think the Gooners had the squad to challenge for the title, but looking at how they have developed you have to say they look like they will be real challengers. Wenger is clearly a genius when it comes to nurturing kids, and this bunch could be even better than the last crop. The passing game is sublime and no team in world football does it better. At times they cut through the Liverpool defence like a bullet through water, and I think the world needs to give special praise to the man who resembles a anorexic Willem Defoe and that man is Alexander Hleb. This season he has transformed himself from a player who lacked simple skills like ball control, to someone who has an innate ability to spot that special match winning pass. Yes many will heap praise on the often superb Fabregas, but Hleb demonstrated on Sunday that he knows how to deliver the killer pass, even though he had 2 other opportunities to make a less effective pass, but he waited and waited and with great vision sneaked in a a clever dinked pass which Fabregas finished nicely, its balls like that, that win Championships.

Kenwynne Jones

Like a dose of Viagra, he the only reason why Sunderland may stay up this season.

Going Down



Liverpool F.C.

Liverpool could have beaten Arsenal on Sunday, but that would not have told the entire story. From tactics to simple technical ability, Liverpool have been woeful in recent weeks and nothing much changed on Sunday apart from Steven Gerrard looking a lot more like the marauding footballer we remember, maybe talk of his demise was premature. Here are some of the problems Liverpool are facing that could ultimately end their season.

1- Tactics

Playing Voronin and Kuyt on the wings was simply baffling, both of them seem to have a potency in front of goal similar to a corpse penis, but I'm sure playing them on the wing did not help that. With genuine width on the bench, why oh why did Liverpool start with 2 players who simply don't know how to beat a man. Why didn't Crouch start this match? Last season he tormented the Arsenal back line with his height and scored a superb hat-trick. You are not going to trouble Gallas and Toure with pace, so you need an extra dimension and Crouch is that man. How Rafa could not understand this simply defies belief.

2 - The Players

Some of the players simply are not good enough to take Liverpool to the next level. Riise can't defend, cross or beat a man, and having a good shot is not good enough reason to keep him in the team, you wouldn't keep a girlfriend just because she had huge breasts and absolutely nothing else. Hyppia is a legend, but he's had it, put a fork in him because his time at Liverpool is done. Kuyt and Voronin are not strikers; strikers score goals and these 2 simply don't do that on a regular basis. I don't want to see my strikers crossing from the wings, because who are they supposed to be crossing to?

3 - Alonso & Agger

Words can't express how much Liverpool miss these two. When Alonso was on the pitch, his passing and ball retention was unrivaled, he was simply bossing the midfield and allowing Stevie to do what he loves. When he went off it all changed and Arbeloa's attempt to do the Alonso role was simply embarrassing. Arsenal then rediscovered the edge in midfield and ultimately equalised. What would Liverpool give to have Agger back? A player who knows how to come forward and carry a football from defence rather than simply hoof it upfield at any given opportunity.

I can't see a quick solution to any of these problems, and with Torres, Alonso and Agger all out for lengthy periods, it could be a very very cold winter for Liverpool football club.

Man City & Sven

Chelsea nicely brought them back down to Earth, the honeymoon is over guys. A top 4 team does not get hammered 6-0 in this era of the Premiership.

Derby County

Can we just relegate them now please?

Tottenham Hotspur & Ramos

Another match and another lead thrown away. Ramos has a big job on his hands, and at the moment I can't see Spurs winning a single match, could they seriously be contenders for relegation? Surely they have too much class, but that's what we said when West Ham went down a few years back. Good luck Ramos, you are going to need it.

Match Of The Day

Did anyone else notice the shoddy editing the BBC used during the highlights show on Sunday. There was an incident with Hyppia and Adebayor, where Hyppia was adjudged to have elbowed Adebayor in the stomach, but they then showed Wenger's reaction which related to an earlier incident involving Eboue and Carragher. You could only notice it if you had watched the match live, it was subtly done but it still suggests that the BBC are being very sneaky using creative editing to mislead the viewer and create a different perspective on football matches. I'm not even going to mention the return of the simply awful Jaqcui Oatley.

Bolton Seal Relegation........

For those of you who like a flutter...get down to the bookies to and put your whole life savings on the Trotters to get relegated at the end of the season. NOW.

There have been some baffling and dubious decisions in recent times. The invasion of Iraq, Britney Spears deciding to have children and Chris Langham being appointed as the head of the NSPCC (ok I made that up). Well to that list, you can add the decision by Phil Gartside to appoint Gary Megson as manager of Bolton Wanderers, who are currently languishing bottom of the Premier League.

Gary Megson had been manager of Leicester City for about 6 weeks, during which time he won one game and produced football so bad that Leicester fans are grateful for his departure. As soon as rumours surfaced that Gartside was interested in appointing the Ginger One, Bolton fans have been voicing their concerns on radio phone ins, Internet forums and on TV. However, Gartside completely ignored this to have Megson in place for Sunday's game against Aston Villa.

So why has his appointment left the Trotters fans hope of Premiership survival in tatters?

Before his brief spell at Leicester, Megson could not halt Nottingham Forest's slide into League One and there was unable to muster a successful promotion challenge. He had disputes with players and didn't share the greatest relationship with the fans. His first managerial post since his spell at West Brom was an undisputed failure.

No one can deny that his spell at the Baggies was a success and pretty much his only success in his managerial career. In his first season he saved them from relegation and the next season he guided them to the play offs on a shoestring budget. The following season he went one step further and took West Brom into the Premiership for 18 years following a stunning late run to edge out Wolves. During this time he had a tempestuous relationship with the chairman Paul Thompson. However, the fans loved Megson and proclaimed his "Sir Gary". His relationship with the Chairman reached total breakdown and Thompson left. The fans didn't really care, as in their eyes the most important man had stayed.

Relegation from the elite was inevitable and despite having little money to spend, Megson was show to be tactically inept and his ultra defensive tactics made sure that WBA were relegated with a whimper.

He managed to secure an immediate return to the Premiership. However, given a hefty budget to spend which allowed him to secure the likes of Kanu, Greening and Earnshaw he was unable to convince the new Chairman that he could get the results which would keep West Brom in the Premiership. He left after saying he would not renew his contract at the end of the year, but this was largely done to cover up the fact he had lost the respect of the dressing room, something which he admitted after his final match in charge, a 3-0 hammering at the hands of Crystal Palace. His position had become untenable.

Megson's reputation throughout the game is pretty terrible, his man management of players extremely suspect, and his brand of football tedious. Megson was a journeyman midfielder and the teams which he has managed so far mirror his playing style. His teams play with extreme caution, rely on being organised, on working hard and nicking a goal and holding onto it. This is fine if you are winning matches, but if you are not then watching his sides play should be compared to one of the worst forms of torture.

Megson once managed a team that I support. I never really sat near the dugout but one game I did and it wasn't one of the most pleasant experiences I have had. His foul mouth tirades during the game were unbelievable and he had no hesitation in pillorying any of his own players if they made a mistake near him.

I remember when one player made a mis-placed pass. Megson's reaction?

"Go and fucking get it back then"

It should be interesting to see how the likes of Nicolas Anelka react to that sort of instruction.

Megson had fallings out with Jason Koumas, Sean Gregan and Baggies Cult Hero Richard Sneekes, who at his prime was an outstanding goalscoring midfielder.

Sneekes later said that Megson's training sessions and style of football made him "fall out of love with football". High praise indeed for the Ginger One.










In his first season in the top flight with the Baggies, the Nigerian player Udeze made a mistake in a game and his hesitation resulted in the opposition scoring and the Baggies slumping to a 1-0 defeat. Megson's reaction at half time? Rumour has it that he spent the whole break screaming at Udeze, lambasting his error and almost had the poor lad in tears. It was reported that many senior players had to step in to quell the dispute.

In his earlier days as Stockport manager, Megson's side were performing so badly in a game that he gave the half time team-talk on the pitch, in order to humiliate the players. This sort of management may work in the Sunday League, but in the Premiership? I don't think so. I have yet to hear one glowing reference from any player that Megson has managed.

He struggles to manage players with talent, Jason Koumas being a typical example. It's almost as if he gets jealous that these players have more talent than he did as a player, and by banishing them to reserves he gets a massive boost to his ego. Koumas was one of Megson's most talented players, but he would often struggle to get into the West Brom side ahead of players like Andy Johnson (not the one at Everton). Don't be surprised if he sells Nicolas Anelka in January and replaces him with Geoff Horsfield. I'm not even joking.

It is unclear as to why Gartside thinks Megson can save Bolton this season. Although he was managing a relatively poor team his win percentage of 15% in the Premiership hardly inspires confidence(though it is more than Martin Jol's this season) and his style of football will have attendances at the Reebok diminishing at a rapid rate. In an era when fans are paying more than ever for their football the least that they want is a smidgen of entertainment, which Bolton are not going to get.

In his last game, Megson lost at home to Sheffield United. In a couple of weeks, he will be taking on Bayern Munich. He should enjoy it while he can as next year he could be well looking at fixtures against the likes of Scunthorpe and Blackpool.

Sunil

A View From the Kop

I was unable to watch Liverpool's game last night so here is a view point from a Liverpool fan who was unfortunate enough to watch the Besiktas debacle. Our thanks go out to Ryan Thompson

"….. I am fully aware of how shit liverpool were last night – I had the misfortune of watching every dull second in the vain hope that Rafa might stumble across some kind of footballing knowledge and realize that Andriy Voronin is obviously shagged out from his last porn flick.

Also maybe he will realize that Ryan Babel isn’t a young Thierry Henry after all – he can’t play on the left wing – he’s right footed and seems to have some problem with his neck not being strong enough to support his head when he gets the ball, as he seems incapable of looking up.

A small ray of light was Stevie G looking somewhere near decent, however on the flip side, Liverpool’s defence, which has been its main strength for the last few years seems to have become a complete shambles since Sami “own goal” Hyppia has come back into the team.

We spent over 40m in the summer trying to get “2 players for every position” yet centre half is the one glaring omission and is now coming back to haunt us.

With Hyppia in the side we play on the edge of our own area as he is so slow he’d come 2nd to a pensioner with a zimmer frame over 5 yards. Therefore no pressure on the ball in midfield, so anyone with any quality can pick a pass and the striker is in.

Anyone for a Theo Hatrick on Sunday? Just me then."

Football predictable? Never.....

No one could have predicted Arsenal's spunktastic 7-0 win over Slavia Prague or nine man Man United's 4-2 hammering of Kiev last night (Come on..they had O'Shea and Fletcher playing), but a few things were a bit more predictable following last nights coverage on ITV........

1) Peter Drury using the word "perfect" about a billion times to describe Arsenal's performance. Then deciding to say it wasn't actually perfect because Theo Walcott didn't get a hat-trick.

2) The pundits comparing Theo's second goal to a certain Mr Henry. Not surprising considering Theo mentioning his finishing was Henry-esque himself in the post match interview. Calm down son, go and have a shave and think about what you have to do to get near the great man

3) Everyone thinking that Theo is the answer to England's problems and will become the greatest English striker in history. Calm down everyone. Theo was like a tourist in Thailand tonight, he couldn't fail to score

4) Those in the football world saying that Tevez and Rooney could be the new Dwight and Andy. First of all, they are way too ugly to be banging as many chicks as those two used to. Not until they appear in the News of the World together in a roasting scandal will I believe they share the same chemistry as Cole and Yorke. Secondly, Cole and Yorke won the treble, this Man United side have won nothing yet

5) Ronaldo making a meal of every tackle to no mention from Tydesley and then as soon as an opposition player goes down he says "they made a meal of it" or "he went down too easily". Open your eyes Clive

6) Clive Tydesley waxing himself over Man United so much that he failed to spot that it was Rio Ferdinand and not Vidic who got the opening goal. Listening to Clive is a bit like seeing your Mum and Dad snog in public. Completely embarrasssing and totally unnecessary.

7) TV Presenters using the word "Braveheart" to describe Ranger's performance against Barcelona. Do they actually have any Scottish players? Would you ever see anyone describe Arsenal as showing Bulldog Spirit? I don't think so

Sunil

Kung Fu Kuyt.....

Premiership Ups and Downs

Going Up






Liverpool, Carragher, Kuyt & Rafa

Words cannot describe how lucky Liverpool were on the weekend, and no one can deny the importance of this victory. A loss would have left Liverpool six points behind Arsenal, with them having a game in hand. With the Gooners visiting Anfield next weekend, a loss there would mean their title challenge was over before it even began. Carragher's challenge on Lescott in the final minute, was not only a penalty but was something that most WWE fans would call a finishing manoeuvre, and how Clattenburg missed it was criminal. Kuyt's attempt at a challenge was disgraceful, and in some countries could have probably lead to life imprisonment, and he was very very lucky to avoid a red card. It looked as though he was auditioning for a part in Rush Hour 4. Although we all know that Kuyt really should be used as a body double for Sloth from The Goonies











Clattenburg did seem to change his decision after influence from Stevie G, but i think the most worrying thing is that he needed to be reminded what the rules were. If the last man denies a clear goalscoring opportunity = red card, not yellow. Fact. Rafa Benitez set himself up for an almighty fall and mauling from the press. Taking off Stevie was seen by many as a sign of insanity. I still maintain that it was, because Sissoko was awful and he should have made way. But the introduction of the three substitutes won the Liverpool the match, with Lucas clearly playing with his brain rather than getting too excited in the derby game. Stevie was probably trying a bit too hard, is this a sign of future tension between Captain and Manager?

Man Utd & Rooney

They might as well call Villa Park, Old Trafford Part 2. Man Utd seem unable to lose here, no matter what happens. When Gabby opened the scoring, I actually thought Villa had a chance to finally avoid defeat at home to Man Utd, something they haven't done for 10 consecutive matches. I was wrong though, Zat Knight duly gifted them an equaliser , letting in Wayne Rooney at the back post after forgetting he was on a football pitch. They then conceded a second soon after, when the superb Wayne Rooney was afforded more space than Apollo 13, and duly placed the gift in the corner. Nigel Mediocre was then rightfully sent off for 2 stupid tackles, and then Scott Carson followed him, after he brought down Tevez in the box. Stuart Taylor was the only reason Man Utd didn't put 7 or 8 past Villa, and one thing you have to say is, Man Utd really are Champions.

Chelsea and Drogba

After Drogba's comments about leaving last week, what better way to repay your fans but with a goal to keep them on track. Chelsea fans will have to be content with the fact that this is Drogba's last season in blue colours, but I think the Ivorian will give his all to bring silverware back to the Bridge.

Arsenal Comedy & Theo

Arsenal beat their managerless bogey team, after Bolton produced a resolute defensive display not reminiscent of recent form. For 60 minutes Bolton looked like the team who often frustrated the Gooners, but Arsenal just refuse to drop points at home with Kolo getting the first and Theo finally having some much needed composure to set up Rosicky for the 2nd. With games against Liverpool and Man Utd coming up, getting the three points here was essential. I think the highlight of the game was Emmanuel Adebayor's attempt to round the keeper, in which he fell over and crumbled like a stacked Jenga game. Hilarious.

Benjani

As much as I hate the stupid celebration, who would have thought he would be top of the goalscoring charts at this stage of the season?

Kenwynne Jones

This guy is a man mountain, with attributes similar to Drogba's, he is an absolute animal and if Sunderland hope to stay up then they need this man to stay on form.

Man City & Elano

Are Man City actually the real deal? One things for sure, Elano is the best player in the Premiership at the moment.

Green

Why hasn't he been given a chance for England?

Tugay

There was nothing gay about the Turk's delightful (see what I did there?) 35 yarder on Saturday as he helped Rovers to a 4-2 win over Reading. Shame that only his family were there to watch it as Rovers continue to struggle to attract the fans.

Steve Coppell

Its refreshing to see when a manager admits he was wrong instead of blaming the referee, the fans, the pitch or the players. Everyone in football appreciates honesty and the Reading's boss frank post match interview are a delight to watch. I am not sure he will ever admit that signing Michael Duberry was a mistake though.

Going Down









Phil Neville

Phil Neville could have been in the "Going Up" section, because he seemed to prove himself a worthy replacement for Paul Robinson to be England's number one goal keeper. I think what he did is the worst form of cheating. He denies a perfectly good goal by using his hand, and duly gets sent off. Could you imagine the uproar if Kuyt had missed the penalty? I think in this situation a penalty goal should be awarded, similar to what we see in Rugby. This will deter imbeciles like Phil Neville from performing these kinds of "heroics". Many may say that he was sent off, and so was duly punished, but in the 92nd minute of the game this means nothing, and he would have felt vindicated had Kuyt not converted the spot kick. I think a ten game ban is in order. Disgraceful.

Craig Gordon

Quite possibly the unluckiest own goal you will ever see, from a superb goalkeeper.

Derby & Fulham

Will Derby ever score an away goal? If Fulham cant score at home to a team that's conceded 15 goals in 3 games, what hope do they have of staying up this season.

Mark Clattenburg & Referees

Probably the only referee that I respected, but after his performance in the Merseyside derby, its difficult to see any light at the end of the tunnel for the men in black. It's becoming more and more problematic, as we see more and more senior players influencing the referees decisions. If the referees haven't got the balls to stand up to these players, then what hope is there for the beautiful game?

Rafa

Rafa is both a winner and loser this week. Rafa's comment that he thought that Lescott had dived was probably the funniest thing I have heard this month. I should congratulate him for saying it with a straight face really. It's nearly as funny as his goatee. But not quite.

Choose England.......

Choose England.....Choose a team that hasn't won a major trophy for over 40 years...Choose a team which is crap at a game which itself invented.....Choose a team which doesn't know how to keep the ball...Choose having no skillful, technical players...Choose players who believe their own hype and play with no pride and passion....Choose a manager whose only achievement was taking a mid-table team to well, mid-table...Choose a crap goalkeeper..Choose losing on penalties in the quarter finals....Choose drawing at home to Macedonia....Choose a manager with no tactical knowledge...Choose Stewart Downing......Choose playing Stevie G and Fat Frank together....Choose recalling Beckham after you said he was finished....Choose not knowing how to hold onto a lead...Choose blaming the referee....Choose Phil Neville.....Choose having a manager with no balls....Choose playing 3-5-2.......Choose Jermaine Jenas........Choose messing up in one of the easiest groups for qualification....Choose England

Sunil

Spastics on Plastic...

Maybe I am in the minority here, but from what I saw of England against Russia, they were particularly poor. Full of graft and hard work but lacking any creativity and ability to hold on to the ball, a criticism we have leveled at England for far too many years now. For a team like England and all the talent they have, to be in this position, in a relatively "easy" qualification group is insane. Lets rewind back to January 2007, when the draw took place, this was Sven's reaction to the draw and probably the reaction of all of us at the time.

"I think England should be happy with that draw. I'm convinced they will pass through rather easily."

Now let's fast forward back to the present.

Steve McClaren is handed the job, and then suddenly things go downhill, and i bet it makes you want Sven back. Its like when you dump your girlfriend because she nags too much, but then you get a new one who refuses to go down on you. I know which one I would prefer to have. Anyway, lets get back to the issue at hand. England lost 2-1 to Russia away from home, which now leaves them in a very precarious position, and like a teenage boy getting his first hand job, their fate is no longer in their hands.

So, whose to blame?

1 - The plastic pitch?

Surely any professional football player should be able to play on any surface. When you get paid over 50 grand a week, you should be able to play on concrete, sand and water let alone an artificial pitch.

2 - Paul Robinson aka Paul Roflinson?

Maybe he should have pushed the ball wider for the second goal, but I think its getting a bit boring discussing how bad he is, let's just remove him from the team as soon as possible, before he really costs England......Oh wait.

3 - The players

Lets be totally honest here, some of England's big name stars simply haven't shown up in this qualifying campaign. From Rooney to Lampard to Gerrard, they simply haven't performed like world class players should.

4 - The manager

McClown is simply a man who bottles it more than Coca Cola. Apply a bit of pressure and he crumbles like a digestive bicuit that's been drowned in tea. To be totally honest, who can really give him credit for including Barry and Richards, when it was a decision forced upon him due to injury. His substitutions in the game were hilarious. Bringing on Downing, a player who hasnt played for england in months and putting him at left back, a position he has probably never played before, simply reeks of pure stupidity. Would I ask my grandma to be my wingman? Exactly. Hiddink makes changes that win Russia the game, McClaren makes changes that make you question your own sanity.

5- The Russian players

Who would have thought that a player with a name like Arshavin (pronounced Arse shaving) would possess so much quality.

6- The referee

Many will blame the referee, it was a poor decision to give a penalty. In the second half England simply could not keep the ball, and it seemed like it was only a matter of time before Russia got an equalizer. These decisions do even themselves though, remember the Russian disallowed goal at Wembley?

Regardless of what excuses you can use, there is no denying that England have not been good enough in the big games in this qualifying campaign, and that draw at home to Macedonia could really cost England now. Until an England side learn how to play keep ball, I really cant see much success coming in the near future.

Here are my player ratings for the match.

Robinson - Piss poor positioning, he has the handling of a 12 yr old Nissan Micra on ice. Very Poor - 4

Lescott - Simply wasnt ready to play at left back, and with this performance and that haircut, he should have been left back in the UK. - 5

Ferdinand - Very solid as usual, but he had some scary moments. He will miss the Croatia game, which is a blow. - 7

Campbell. - Superb and was probably England's best player, making some very important blocks to keep Russia at bay. - 8

Richards - Strong and as solid as always. - 7

SWP - Shaun Wright is a good player, but he is nowhere near as good as the BBC likes to make you think, and his delivery isn't exactly parcel force. - 6

Gerrard - Not at his best, and on current form shouldn't really have the armband. Missed a good opportunity too. - 6

Barry -Still brilliant, and really looks like one of the few midfield players who should be one of the first names on the team sheet. - 8

Joe Cole - I don't approve of him diving like a gymnast, but no one can deny that his hard work was not brilliant, he has clearly added graft to all his skill. - 7

Rooney - Simply brilliant goal, but i will have to minus points for that awful awful swan dive just after the penalty decision. - 6.5

Owen - Didn't really get much service, and the Russian defender who allowed him to get that header to assist Rooney really should be ashamed of himself, hes only like 5 "6. - 6

So England's chances for qualification basically come down to Russia going to Israel and getting a result, if they do that then it will be the first time England have failed to qualify for a tournament since 1994. I am not a conspiracy theorist but the Avram and Roman connection may not bode well for England.

Child's Play....

I am sure that most of you probably didn't get to see the Scotland game in Georgia, due to the fact you were probably still drowning your sorrows after England managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Thankfully, I missed the England debacle and made it home in time to see Scotland see off Georgia, to leave them needing just a point against Italy against Hampden. Or so I thought. Instead, I saw the Scots turn in an absolute abject performance to leave them with it all do in their final game.

The more concerning thing for the Scots is that they appeared to be beaten by a bunch of school kids. I think the guy who scored the first goal was 16 years old and the Georgian goalie was 17 years old or something. Now, I am no football genius, but if I was the Scotland manager I would have told my players to have as many shots as possible but the David Hasselhoff look-a-like had nothing to do for the whole 90 minutes, apart from stroke his bum-fluff.

The terrible state of the pitch probably didn't help, but Scotland looked clueless from start to finish. Perhaps they were confused by the fact that all the Georgian players had ridiculously high numbers on their shirts. The guy who scored the first goal had the number 99 on his back. To be fair, I think some of the Scotland team got so baffled by the numbers that they thought they were playing American football, as some of their overphysical play demonstrated.

I think David Weir probably just wondered what the hell was going on and was thinking that he was playing against some of his children or something, cos he must be at least 50 years of age by now.

Scotland have been immense so far through qualifying and credit to them for taking it to the last game. It would be a shame if they miss out on qualifying, due to the fact that they lost to a bunch of players whose balls haven't even dropped yet.

As for Georgia, well in about 12 years, perhaps they could become a world force in football. They obviously have terrific breeding at the moment knocking out all kinds of talent. Arsene Wenger will probably snaffle some of them and bundle them in a van and drive them down to the Emirates. But as a famous Scotsman once said..... "You never win anything with kids"

Sunil

Guest Article…………Why does the nation hate Fat Frank?

Here is our first guest article at On The Bench. We would like to thank Saran Satefanen for his musings and comments and invite you to join in. If you have anything you want to say or comment about then email us at on-the-bench@hotmail.co.uk . In the meantime, I will leave you to read Saran’s article on the Fat One.......

Why does the nation hate Fat Frank?












Is he actually fat? If you saw ‘Fat Joe’ on a football pitch, you could tell immediately that this guy doesn’t belong on a football pitch! He belongs in a Weight Watchers Fat Camp! Is it because of FrankTV? Is it because he cheats on his wife and kisses his wedding ring to celebrate a goal? I bet no one really knows! The fact of the matter is, if you ask anyone why you hate Fat Frank they will tell you it’s because ‘He’s a fat cu*t!’

Fat Frank, as he is affectionately known is considered as one of the most over hyped midfielders in world football. But is it actually hype or has he got something to deliver? Fat Frank has consistently scored on average over 15 goals a season from midfield. How many midfielders in world football produce that? Barely any. People argue that Fat Frank has got Makelele doing the dirty work for him so it allows him to get forward and do the easy stuff, but when the worst tackler in the world football a.k.a Paul Scholes was banging them in you never heard anyone mention the work of Roy Keane behind the scenes.

People generally also argue that he goes missing in the big games. Games at Anfield come to mind: Champions League Semi Finals. Then again he has scored big goals on the International scene. He scored the opener against France at the European Championships 2004; he also scored against Portugal in the same tournament to equalise in extra time. He also scored some big goals to help Chelski win back to back Premiership titles. A brace at the Reebok springs to mind to help Chelski bring the title back to Stamford Bridge for the first time since 1955 Yes Fat Frank had a disgraceful World Cup, but isn’t that true about the whole England team in general. Making Lumpard the scapegoat for England’s generally inept showing in the World Cup is plain wrong. Ronaldinho had a poor World Cup also but you don’t hear people saying that he’s terrible.
















This season Chelski lost to Aston Villa; Fat Frankie was not playing. Was he missed? I think he was. Chelski missed that bite from midfield, the long range scorcher that’s required when you just can’t pass through the team. However, it may be argued that his time is up. These big game performances came in the years of 2004 and 2005. Where are they now? When that Russian Billionaire burst his way into West London, Fat Frank knew his place was under threat. The signings of Juan Veron, Scott Parker, Claude Makelele and Joe Cole meant he was not guaranteed a place in the starting line up. It was when the pressure of performing was on that he really would stop himself from eating that extra pie. It pushed him to becoming one of the world’s best so much so that Mathias Sammer hailed the Romford Fatty as “the best player in the world”. As he established himself as of Jose Moaninho’s ‘untouchables’ he seems to have helped himself to some more pies and is quite literally living on his own hype. When is the last significant moment he produced in a big game? Can’t remember!

Once a player selected regularly for England starting XI and one of Jose Moron’s ‘untouchables’ he now is under immense pressure from both country and club! The recent booing exploits of the England faithful and the recent change of managerial post at Chelski leaves Fat Frank in unknown territory. Will he silence his critics with the goals that made him Runner Up to World Footballer of the Year or will he wither away? It remains to be seen! One thing that’s for definite is that he will get you a goal albeit a deflected one!

Saran Satefanen

Worst Playacting Ever......Aww Did-umms

Last week's vote was a tight affair with a number of contenders throwing themselves forward, after only the slightest bit of contact, for the honour of being voted Worst Play Actor Ever.

In third place was everyone's not so favourite centre forward Andrei Shevchenko. To be fair to Sheva, he hasn't been throwing himself to the ground or diving like Joe Cole, but he has in fact spent the last two years pretending that he was a £30 million pound striker with one of the finest Champions League goalscoring records in history. Sheva has been absolutely terrible ever since he was signed by Mr Abramovich against Jose Mourinho's wishes and has shown little sign of returning to his prolific best. Everytime he runs he looks like he is treading through treacle and he resembles one of those large lumbering trees off Lord of the Rings. He has become Alan Hansen's favourite figure of fun and his terrible form shows no sign of abaiting.

In second place was Skullfaces ridiculous feigning of injury against Turkey in World Cup 2002. After Hakan Unsal childishly kicked the ball at Rivaldo's legs, the Brazilian grabbed his face as if he had been shot in the face. Cue Hakan Unsal receiving a much undeserved red card. To be fair to Rivaldo, after Felipe Scolari tried to justify the red card, the Skullface came clean

He said:

"Obviously I exaggerated the injury for the guy to be sent off.

"The ball hit my hand and my leg.

"It didn't hit me in the face but that kind of attitude must not be allowed on the pitch.

"He deserved a red card."

I was about to say fair play to Rivaldo for his honesty but when I looked at the video again I struggled to have any respect for the man on this particular occasion.

What made the incident more bizarre was the fact that the linesman was standing right next to him to oversee any potential foul play. After much extensive research and study, I have managed to provide this accurate picture of the assistant referee.















Unsurprisingly perhaps, the winner of last week's vote was Dida of Milan. I am sure you have all seen the incident by now so I am not going to go into too much details other than to say that the guy is an absolute big girls blouse. I think that for incidents like this, that the person involved should be brought onto the screen to explain their actions, because that would be the ultimate humiliation. I would say that Dida's dive was probably the worst acting performance since Jar Jar Binks appeared in Star Wars, and he wasn't even real. The guy who ran on the pitch must have been disappointed that he only tapped him on the face. If he knew Dida was gonna react that way then I bet he wishes he properley punched the hapless Brazilian to the floor and got his value for money.













Dida's dive was bad enough , but then to call out a stretcher to be taken off as if he had got a broken neck or something was quite simply astonishing. David Busst would not be impressed. Thankfully he has been punished for his actions which should stop him doing the same again in the future. For me the best punishment would be to cast him in a gay porno flick. Perhaps then he will consider whether he really wants to be going down as easily.....

Dida.....You are officially the worst play actor ever.

Sunil

I Thought England Were Crap At Penalties?

I could sit here and blab about England recording their 5th successive 3-0 win against the superpower that is Estonia, or about Wayne Rooney finally breaking his international duck or even about seeing Ashley Cole seriously injure himself, but I cant bring myself to speak about something so mundane and boring. I would like to talk about something more important, something that came to my mind when watching England triumph in the rugby World Cup Semi Final. I always thought England were supposed to be crap at penalties?

There are many similarities between England's rugby and football teamsboth sides have an ability to underachieve at times, both teams fail to play with the style and grace of other more flamboyant countries and both teams have a manager who is often criticised for team selections. That's probably where the similarities stop. Who would you rather see your daughter bring home as her prom date? Wayne Rooney or Jonny Wilkinson? Rio Ferdinand or Jason Robinson? I think its quite clear the kind of difference in personnel we are dealing with here.

The rugby team have actually won something in recent times, yes I admit, winning a tournament with 5 teams who have a chance, is a lot easier than winning a World or European football tournament, but its an achievement not to be sniffed at. When England won the rugby World Cup they had quite possibly the best team in the world at the time, but I bet you didn't know it, I bet you were not smothered with the hype from the Sun newspaper. We weren't flooded with the media proclaiming the second coming of Christ, like we get every 4 years with the football World Cup, from Owen to Beckham to Rooney to Walcott(lol), we have heard it all before, about how these players would lead England to their first World Cup win since "66, but why hasn't this happened? Why have the England rugby side overshadowed the football team?













Well its all about balls, big juicy ones and the England rugby team and most notably Jonny Wilkinson have massive huge balls, as demonstrated once again on Saturday night in the Stade de France, let alone 4 years ago in Australia. As the media expectation heaped on the English football team gets larger and larger their balls become smaller and smaller and smaller.

From Lampard to Vassell to Southgate to Batty to Waddle to whoever. It's a long list of players who simply didn't have the balls when it mattered. Even through years of constant failure, they have been expected to bring home a trophy, but the dreaded penalty has always been the cause of their demise.

These players and future england star players now have balls the size of cashew nuts,
and that won't change until the media realises that they need to stop heaping so much expectation on the football players, regardless of how many so called "world class" players they have.








Wilko on the other hand, is a man with huge melons between his legs.







He doesn't seem to crack under the pressure and is a man who knows how to take a penalty, the footballers can learn a lot from this man. Keep your mouth shut, don't hype yourself up, stay out of the limelight, ignore the media and get yourself fit. Do that and maybe your balls will grow and you might have the bottle to take a penalty and win England a World Cup.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

As I made way home on the tube today I was confronted by the bizarre news that Cesc Fabregas has paid the princely sum of £3,000 to have all his chest hair removed.

It can't be argued that Fabregas' decision to remove that ridiculous mullet many months ago was a the correct decision but it remains to be seen whether this latest move could be catastrophic to Arsenal's season.

What if that chest hair was the reason for Cesc's incredible goalscoring and matchwinning performances this season? Has he made a boo-boo and decided to get rid of his Samson like powers for the sake of being able to do a Ravaenelli type celebration without getting embarassed?

It remains to be seen the effect this has on the Gooner's title challenge but it could be a very dangerous move.

Sunil

We Need You.....

As we all know everyone has a view on football, some may be warped and some may be outright insane, either way I still think the world needs to hear what you have to say. If you have an articles you would like me to put on the blog, just send them to on-the-bench@hotmail.co.uk and i will post them on the blog.

Things That Annoy Me.....

1 - Steve McClown really must be the most unintelligent human being in football since David Pleat. I know he is clearly trying to instill confidence in a player but this quote defies belief, its like comparing Michael Chopra's premiership record to Alan Shearer's.

McClown seems to believe that Paul Robinson is like England's Peter Schmeichel.

"I feel the same confidence in Robbo that we had in Peter Schmeichel when I was at Manchester United. I would not play him otherwise."

Never has one man been so deluded, I could probably catch a ball better than him, even if i greased my hands up with KY jelly.

2 - This world player of the year nonsense, have a look at the shortlist is below.

Buffon (Juventus, Italy), Cannavaro (Real Madrid, Italy), Cech (Chelsea, Czech Rep), Ronaldo (Man Utd, Portugal), Deco (Barcelona, Portugal), Drogba (Chelsea, Ivory Coast), Essien (Chelsea, Ghana), Eto'o (Barcelona, Cameroon), Gattuso (AC Milan, Italy), Gerrard (Liverpool, England), Henry (Barcelona, France), Juninho (Lyon, Brazil), Kaka (AC Milan, Brazil), Klose (Bayern Munich, Germany), Lahm (Bayern Munich, Germany), Lampard (Chelsea, England), Marquez (Barcelona, Mexico), Messi (Barcelona, Argentina), Nesta (AC Milan, Italy), Pirlo (AC Milan, Italy), Ribery (Bayern Munich, France), Riquelme (Villarreal, Argentina), Ronaldinho (Barcelona, Brazil), Rooney (Man Utd, England), Terry (Chelsea, England), Tevez (Man Utd, Argentina), Thuram (Barcelona, France), Torres (Liverpool, Spain), Van Nistelrooy (Real Madrid, Holland), Vieira (Inter Milan, France).

As you can see, there are a few names who have done nothing over the past year to warrant a place in this plastic list, but they have been included. How has Thierry Henry made it onto the shortlist, when he was injured all last season? Is it because of past glories or because of sponsorship deals? If thats the case lets throw Rivaldo and Beckham in the mix, Why is Torres there? Great player but last season Torres did nothing of note. I just don't understand these awards, if you hae a massive sponsorship deal then you make it on the list. If you have been crap for 3 years you can still make it on the list. Why isn't Seedorf on the list? Its because he isn't a glamorous player, lets ignore how good he was in the champions league last season. Gerrard wasn't even Liverpool's best player last season, if he is there then surely Carra should be there. Where the hell is Zlatan? The man who was brilliant for Inter last season. Ronaldinho scored tons of goals last season, still doesn't make it, Totti has been the most prolific "striker" in world football over the past year, still hasn't made this list. Shocking.

3 -As you may or may not know, I am not Michael Owen's biggest fan, but he really is raising the bar when it comes to being a complete moron. Never has a man put his country before his club so often, even when advised by professionals. The only man who constantly declares himself fit for England games. Sorry Newcastle fans, but this man doesn't love your club.

4 - Why are Chelsea hiring Ten Cate when they have Clarke there? Is he just another spy before they hire a dutch manager or is it something else. Either way Clarke has signed a new deal so im guessing they will have 2 first team coaches for a while. Strange, too many cooks spoil the broth and all that, a bit like too many whores will make your dick limp.

5 - Where is Harry Kewell?

6 - "Ballack wants to stay at Chelsea for life" Of course he does, he gets 130 grand a week to chill on an "ankle" injury and live in Chelsea. What a superhero.

Platoon......

One of the players up for nomination for Worst Playacting Ever this week is Knut Anders of Norway. Now I know what some of you are thinking, he shares the name of famous royalty, King Knut. The less educated of you are probably laughing at the fact that if you cunningly re-arrange the letters of his first name then you get Kunt.

Either way, this video was recently brought to my attention after the antics of Dida the other week. Now, for me to defend Dida's actions would be almost as bad as defending OJ Simpson during his murder trial but at least Dida was slightly tapped, which cannot be said for Mr Anders. His actions are quite simply outrageous and his acting talents are clearly being wasted in the beautiful game as he really should be being paid to be an extra in war films.

I am not sure whether he got punished for this incredible behaviour but I personally think he should have been given a lifetime ban. You can judge his antics for yourself and then decide whether he should have your vote for Worst Playacting Ever.

Sunil

Premiership Ups & Downs....

Going Up

Chelsea & Avram












Some may call Avram another Israeli illegally occupying something, but no one can deny that he has had a good week. Cheslea finally scored a Premiership goal, with Kalou netting the winner in an evenly fought game. I'm sure Avram is feeling pleased with himself right now, with important wins against Valencia & Bolton leaving Chelsea in a much better position than when he first took over. Avram is by no means the man that Mourinho is, but these wins and the return of Frank Lampard can only mean better results amd an increased cafeteria bill.

Arsenal & Van Persie

Last season Arsenal would have probably passed their way into the changing room, rather than get the ball into the net for the winner. This season however things have changed, even afer a brave fightback from Sunderland we all knew Arsenal would get the goal they needed to win the game, regardless of Theo Walcott's Akinbiyi impression. Van Persie is looking back to his best, and they just cant seem to stop the man whose right foot might as well be strapped up and replaced with something more useful, but it cant be denied that he truly is going to be a world class player

Man Utd, Ronaldo & Anderson

Ronaldo's black eye did not stop him from tearing apart Wigan, and helping Man Utd to the top of the table for a brief time. They are starting to play well, and im sure the performance of the protitute roasting Anderson, will give Fergie some hope for the future. His passing was sublime at times, and he seems to be gaining in confidence. Tevez looked dangerous and Rooney is scoring again and with Ronaldo they have a player who can create alot out of nothing.

Elano and Sven

Simply the best player in the league on current form and probably the buy of the season. His finishing is different class, and with freekicks as acccurate as a Peter North cum shot, I'm sure Man City fans can expect to see alot more class from this man. And perhaps people are now realising that Sven is actually a decent manager and the reason he had no success with England is just cos they are shit. His club record speaks for itself.

Michael Owen & Alan Shearer

Back from injury AGAIN, another goal, more Owen hype, more people thinking Owen is the second coming and even more sexual enjoyment for Mr Shearer; who seems to love felating Owen at any moment he can. Get a room guys.

Robbie Keane

Quite possibly the greatest MOTD interview I have ever seen. What a guy. 2 decent goals too.

Random mention

Alfonso Alves of Herenveeren who scoored 7 goals in one game, regardless of how good you think the Dutch league is, thats an unbelievable feat.

Going Down

Dean Ashton
















Another England Call up, another injury to rule him out. When will this man get the chance he deserves?

Paul Robinson
Utter turd, the man drops his balls more than a post adolescent boys school, but why does McClaren still have faith in him? He is awful and he's fat too.

Liverpool, Hyypia & Steven Gerrard

Don't let the highlights fool you, Gerrard was anonymous against Tottenham and he somehow could not dominate a midfield consisting of Jenas and Zakora, thats like struggling to win a pissing distance challenge against some girls. Hyypia needs to be wheeled into a old people's home, he would probably have more pace in a wheelchair. I'm concerned that he can't even use his best asset(his height) to his advantage anymore. Claims by Ryan Babel, that they do not practice attacking formations in training, seems to suggest that Rafa is more concerned with making liverpool a defensive unit, thus stifling the money he has spent on new attacking talent.

Tottenham

I seriously think they do need to speak to David Blunkett about how to hold on to a lead.

Referees

Another week passes and another bunch of refereeing decisions cost someone some points. Steve Sidwell massages the ball in the box, no penalty. Didi Hamann rapes someone from behind in the box, no penalty. Makes Rob Styles penalty decision at Anfield this season even more baffling.

Derby

Going, going...Im willing to put my life savings on them not winning one away game this season.

England & Gareth Barry

Frank Lampard is Back....: -(

Dida

Thank god UEFA have grown some balls and decided to sanction Dida for being a complete and utter cheating moron.